Bad bad news

Well.

Not really bad news. I just know eventually it will be.
So. It's another slow day at work and I've been reading over my blog entries and basically backtracking. Re-reading and I'm thinking to myself..... I don't think I should message Ponyboy should I...... Why would I? What do I think is going to happen. I obviously have some intent.... No good ever comes from intent! I dunno. I'm sure I'm just thinking he would see me differently now.... Not like he made much attempt previously..... *sad face*.

Heart, why are you so stubborn and hard to convince !

Anyways, aside from stupid high school boy drama...... My parents are in town :) I was actually excited to hear they were coming out when my mom called me on Saturday. Gave my mom a big hug when I saw her. Something I haven't done (willingly) in about 2 years. I was pretty happy to see them. Also something that hasn't happened in 2 years. Not that previously I didn't want to see them.... I just think......at that time I felt it just made no difference...... But nope. Happy they are in town. I bought them dinner theatre tickets for Friday Date Night. Hope they enjoy it ! I feel like they probably haven't had a fancy date night with just the 2 of them in a long, long time.
Also kind of excited to do some Boxing Day Shopping. C needs some Almond Lotion from the Body Shop !!! I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of jewelry for Christmas this year. My mom and Aunt both called me asking for my ring size. Hahaha. I feel bad though. I shouldn'tve told my mom I wanted an Opal Ring and just said to get a down filled comforter. Honestly that is what actually wanted. That and a Cuisine Art Stand Mixer in Pink... *squeal*

Har har. Anyways, I have some gossip for you guys.
So... I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before or not.....buuuut while I was dating Dave, he kind of made it a big deal that his friends were his friends, and if we broke up it wouldn't be cool if I continued hanging out with his friends. Understandable, sure sure. The thing that got me the most was that after we broke up, it wasn't okay for me to hang out with his friends, but it was alright for him to hang out with my friends. So basically after that I kind of stopped hanging out with certain "friends" of mine because they would rather hang out with my ex's friends. Yeah. Considering how my heart was the one that got crushed, while he went out to party the next night. And then how some of his friends ignored me. I thought I got the short end of the stick when I found out my friends were hanging out with his friends when I was going into total depression mode. It just made me massive upset that I was the one who introduced the circles to each other and then I got booted out. I suppose to some readers it might sound like a lot of whining on my end or that I deserved it. But.... I honestly don't think I did. So... that's why it hurt so much.
Aaaaaanyhow. Back on topic. Shortly before Dave and I broke up one of my friends started dating one of his friends. Like a week or two after she broke up with her bf of 2,3 years. His friends actually someone devised a plan to break them up, although I do suppose the break-up was inevitable, but they sure helped instigate it. So, there was a break-up followed by a hook-up.
I just found out the other day that another one of my former friends broke up with her bf of 2 years, and (need to confirm) may or may not be seeing another one of Dave's friends ?!!! Double You, Tee, Aitch, Right!! I dunno, maybe I'm being a jerk and maybe his friends are all awesome and that I really lost out when I left that group but... Sometimes I think I wish I never met them. All for One and All for One. I suppose I'm only hearing bits of the story through gossip so I'm sure I don't have the story straight but whatever happened must not have been good... They're not even FB friends anymore.... And under my speculation, knowing the group of friends. Shit probably got stirred up.

Sigh.

Heartbeats

Sometimes my heart starts racing randomly.
For no apparent reason that I can connect to....
I wonder if this is unhealthy......

Anyways, its kinda sorta a slow day at work today and I just thought I'd write an entry here and get some thoughts out of my head.
This blog is my diary btw. My therapy.
I've been feeling really cheerful lately. Normal actually. It's nice. I read a quote awhile back ago that read something like:

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I want to change it to When you change, but I'm sure it still applies. I understood it when I read it at the time and I knew eventually something would change, but I was constantly waiting for that perspective shift. Right after my break-up, everything I looked at made me mad or sad. People, things places. I wanted to get away, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything because nothing mattered. Everything made me sad and doubt myself. I just wanted to be alone where nothing would remind me of anything, because everything made me sad.
It's interesting, funny, and odd how something so simple makes such a big difference. I keep on envisioning myself taking a tiny, tiny sidestep to the left and then it's like suddenly everything looks different. Perspectives change. Things that used to make me sad don't make me sad anymore. In fact some of those things make me happy and my life feels interesting again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Things are in color again and I feel like smiling.
Confidence is a silly thing sometimes.
Anyways..... Do you know what silly thought is going through my head now because of this sudden burst of confidence.

To message ponyboy.....

Oh my god you can't be serious, right?!
Sadly I am. I keep thinking to myself ! I was so boring and sad and mopey when he met me, that this happier, smilier C will be more attractive. That is what is going through my head. I keep having this notion of asking him to come to the antique mall with me in the west end next weekend.... The only thing is I deleted his number... ha-ha. (But I'm pretty sure I still remember it though......). Anyways, I'm sure that this is a bad idea. If I have any regular readers, whenever I have GREAT WONDERFUL IDEAS, I always talk them out here first, and pretty much foretell the horrible outcome with basic common sense......but still decide to go through with said horrible idea in the first place. Anyways, I'll give it a few days. Hopefully this silly urge boils over. As he once said to me 'Expectations are what Ruin Things'

I'll tell you all the outcome next week.

There is a Fine Line Between Realism and Pessimism

A very very fine line that only usually the person you are speaking to can see.

So. I was up at my desk today and my GM took a trip up to see me. He told me he was pretty shocked that I haven't received a raise since my assessment in February, or that I haven't asked for one and just let me know how valuable I was to the company and was going to look into it that I got a wage increase.

Oh WOW! I felt super happy from hearing that. My office manager had actually told me to ask a while ago but I didn't now how to bring it up, and then it suddenly started turning into a shit show at work. So I didn't. But the fact that upper management noticed and mentioned it to me made me feel happy. I know I get taken advantage of because I'm naïve and dumb when it comes to wages and stuff or just too shy to ask, and Yeaaaaah I could be getting more, and if I were in a bigger company this never would've happened..... buuuuuut I still felt pretty happy. A raise ! Someone recognizing my hard work !

So, I sent a text to my cousin. Spread the good news !

And then she said to me 'Why didn't you ask earlier.' And 'You should ask for retro pay'.
And.... I just felt like shit after. Way to burst my bubble. I only really wanted a pat on the back, you know, not 'You should've tried harder'.

It always seems my version of Good is never Good Enough. No wonder I have low self esteem.

(But on a side/more happier note:
Fuck you OfficeTeam for telling me I was under qualified to be a Receptionist. You don't know until you try)

Daily Dish

There is never enough time in the day to accomplish what I want.

But I guess I got most of what I wanted done.... most of.....  Kept busy most of the day today..... Took a floor nap, cleaned up the home a bit, vacuumed, did the dishes, cooked dinner, baked cookies, and drew. Minus the cleaning it was all stuff that made me happy. Or at least kept my mind off things. Lets up I keep it up.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. D:
I just got a tremendous urge to creep you-know-who's FB page.
Doooooooooon't dooooooooo it ~~~~~~~~

Sleepy-Tired. Still feeling pretty happy today and trying to keep it up. This whole listening to music while I work thing is doing wonders. Listen to music everywhere, every time, while doing everything. I wish I had knew to do this sooner.

Alas. I did have some invisible conversations with myself today :|
Had a few racing heart moments at work, wasn't sure why. Probably just over thinking stuff. Anyhow. I was thinking about Ponyboy today. Probably, mostly certain because I'm doing that stupid crush-ing thing on him, buuuuut. From what I initially felt from him.... I feel like we could be the same person. I remember saying that to him once before too. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an alternate dimension, cooler version of myself. And I did. I imagined we would have gotten along very well had he (again I repeat) taken the time to get to know me. But that was my expectation and probably my downfall. We had nothing in common. Just similar observations on life. And being geeky. No hobbies though..... But I would loved to have learned how to drive standard, and finally sit on a motorbike.....Sigh, I think I was attracted to him because he lived the lifestyle I wanted. So happy, so outgoing, so fun. Surrounded constantly by people who wanted to be around him..... Always smiling....

*shakes head quickly*

Quit it.
Do you remember what your goal was yesterday? Find your energy back and be the happy person that he should have tried harder on. Exude Confidence. Dance like Nobody's Watching. Set your goals and reach them. Draft the Hoodie. Fix up the Condo. Make your Hsien-ko Costume. Buy a Car.

You can do it so do it.

All it took was 16 months and a boy.

I can't tell if I'm really feeling better or just on a high right now.

I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).

I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.

On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~

Nite Sportsfans.

The night I slipped into a coma for 14 hours

Feel really bummed out today.

So bummed out I didn't go to work. First time I have ever called in sick. I kept waking up last night with a racing heart and sweating balls. Woke up every hour until my alarm rang and I seriously felt like shit.

Anyways I just laid in bed and slept for about 12 hours. Held onto Birthday Bear and made a bunch of wishes. When you are out of it you make some silly wishes.

I wish Curtis would give me a 2nd chance and just get to know me

and then 2 hours I said

I take that back.

It's time to play the game again of bash the guy till I don't miss him anymore :(

He was 2 fucking hours late on our first date !!!
He was kinda cocky.
Stood you up after you ran around the city trying to get home in time to see him.
You guys weren't even dating and you were always suspicious that he was seeing other girls
You guys didn't have anything in common except being nerds.
You didn't watch the same tv shows.
You didn't listen to the same music
You both had 2 completely different lives.
You were trying to be someone you weren't.
Sometimes his storylines didn't match up.
You couldn't tell if he was lying or not.
He said things he didn't mean.
Wanted to have sex the 2nd time we met.


Ugh... its not really working. I liked talking to him, just not in person. I forced myself to think of positive happy responses when he was being negative, because I realized how negative I had become. And that made me glad. I said smart things around him and that made me glad. Uggggggh. I'm just playing that game of 'if only I had' now. If only I had been a bit easier..... :( Yeah. Haha no. The same thing woulda probably happened.

It just wasn't meant to be Miss Chow. Keep telling yourself that and you will be okay.

What my heart wants to say

Hi Curtis,

I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.

You don't want to play anymore do you.

I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.

So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.

Sobbing like a Disney Princess

Except when I lift up my face I look like a raccoon.

My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.

So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.

I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.

For Future Reference ~

If I ever go on a date again, I will refer to this list for some nice ideas.

You should too ~

http://www.thewandereronline.com/2013/10/12/50ish-first-dates-in-yeg-by-blue-knox/

Standing Back Up Again

Hi  Sports Fans,

Having a slow lazy day at home today, when I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I decided to come read some of my blog entries.

I'm not sure what has happened since my last entry but..... I feel a bit happier. No.... actually I feel a lot happier. I don't know why or how. But my heart feels lighter. Not so sad and hurt anymore. I still get mad when I think about him. But.... I actually don't think about him as much anymore. And not everything is a painful reminder. I guess all it does really take is time.
I noticing this after I came back from San Francisco actually. I never really really got upset or PO at Jolie, something that I thought would happen. Everything I managed to calm myself down and tell myself 'Just be Happy'. I don't know if that helped, or maybe it was just the change of environment and having someone to talk to for 7 days straight. I don't know exactly how but I feel like I'm getting back to my normal self. I even started wearing my Kitty Cat Hoodie again :)

Reading some of my previous entries really made me notice this.
Another thing is.... I signed onto a dating website again..... Not sure if that has anything to do with it, but I signed up a few months ago actually. Right after that silly speed-dating event which made me feel like a total idiot, because it just wasn't the thing for me. Too many people too fast. I was talking to Gabby about starting to look again and I got a bit confused after. She said that she didn't think I was ready yet because I still had some issues and I argued that this felt like the last step to take to get over what's his face. Well.... I guess maybe she is and she isn't right. If I'm not completely over someone yet why should I start looking. But at the same time. I feel like my thing is I need to focus on something (someone) else to push that last little bit of him out of my mind.... What do you guys think. Just starting to talk to guys that are interested again I feel like has helped a lot. Instead of spending time thinking about him and how mad he made me, I spend time thinking about what to say to someone who I actually talk to instead.... I dunno. Of course I can justify everything because I feel its right. Just like how I justified talking to Dave right after we broke up was the right thing to do because it made me feel happy, even thought it just delayed the heartbreak..... *SIGH*

Another thing is. Sometimes I wonder why women are always attracted to the wrong type of guy. To the type of relationship they think they will have and the ideal, when we should be focusing on what we are. Not what we want. This comes from that... Jackson-Briggs (correction needed?) Personality Test that my co-worker had told me about. He said 'Remember to answer these with what you would do, not what you want to do.' And I just remember that line sticking in my head. There's a big difference and I never noticed that before. So back to dating again. I always find I'm attracted to guys that are the complete opposite of me. That lead the lifestyle I want to have. Totally different, not my type, I'm not into any of the things they do. And yet, that personality just draaaaaws me in. It's horrible. And then, when someone who is the exact reflection of me messages me, it feel less compelled. But if I push away all the rainbows and clouds I should realize. I should be looking for someone that has similar interests as me right? If I haven't changed into a loud partying raver by now, what makes me think I will? What makes me think I'll suddenly become interested in music and djing and cars? Your so silly C. You should be looking for a nice low key guy, who can't wait to talk to you and will give you non-stop hugs and is shy and silly just like you.

Sigh.

Still Feel Empty

:(
I can calulate the months its been since I broke up with you. Since our 1 year anniversary. Since the last time I saw you. And since the day I told you to leave me alone.
I can calculate the exact number of days.
I can remember the pain my heart felt when I left your car that night and the heartless text you sent me right after it felt like my heart had been crushed. That is how empty I feel sometimes. It makes me very sad to think about this. That after all this time and I still miss something about you. Something that I can't understand what it is, or why. Something that I am having so much trouble replacing.
I can barely talk about you without getting mad or crying. And I don't understand why! Why you are having this much of an effect on me when you meant nothing to me. Did nothing for me. Almost everything I do, I think of you. So many things remind me of you and how I would pick up my phone and text you right away.

Never let one person be the source of your happiness.

I know that, and yet I let it happen. I wonder constantly what you are doing, and if you think about me. I should know by now the answer is obviously no otherwise something would have happened already. I keep calling you selfish because that is the only way I can justify everything and make me feel better. To make you the bad person. I keep saying I want every thing to come back to you ten-fold, keep hoping that your world will collapse underneath you, keep hoping that one day you will realize what a shit-hole you dug yourself into.
But maybe.
None of that will happen. I keep wishing such negative things would happen that I've turned into an extremely negative person. My friends have started telling me how negative I've gotten and how I constantly focus on the bad things that can happen. Even when I try doing some positive mind exercises, they end up coming out negative. I blame myself for not trying hard enough and that my answers are quite pathetic. And I don't know how this has happened. How I had turned from such a happy smiling girl to a heartbroken jaded nag. Friends and even a work mate I barely talk to told me I was pretty negative. And I knew they were right. Whenever I call or text someone to complain they try to get me to look on the bright side of things, but I just see the past and how things could have been fixed and I wouldnt have had to bad, and then I would get so worked up about it. Or even worse, I call my parents for advice, sobbing because I am so upset. And they only thing they tell me in a nonchalant voice is. Don't worry. You will figure it out. And  I constantly feel like I am being brushed off

I just feel very empty a lot of the time. Like I've wandered far far away from my old path and aren't sure what I should be doing or where I need to be, or who I should be with. I hurt lots still. So much. And I've gotten so negative. I can actually feel and hear how negative I've gotten. To the point where sometimes people try to help me and I end up turning their help into negative thoughts. I want to blame him for doing this to me, but I'm sure part of it was me. Wanting something he couldn't give me and needing someone to blame when I should have backed down when I knew it wasn't right. I'm so negative, and yet.... sometimes I think I have too much faith in people. I believe everyone will do the right thing, but the don't always. And I feel sad when that happens. I wish I could just disappear a lot of the times. If I had no condo and no studio I would just cash in my accounts and disappear. And I think I would be very content.

I would be happy if I could be someone else.

Do Not Use Hop to it Maids Inc.

My business instructor always told me a complaint can go a long way:

I was recently asked to find a cleaner to help tidy up my grandparent's condo in Edmonton. They had just been hospitalized and my family decided we wanted to clean up their condo.We removed ALL the furniture, and putting in new carpet and new linoleum. After new carpet and lino was installed on Friday, I took on the task of finding a cleaning company to help us with a bit of the grunt work. I found a company called Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. on Kijiji and gave them a call. I told them our situation and asked for their help in cleaning my grandparents' 750 sq foot condo. The owner informed me their basic rate was $159/2 hours which included 2 workers and would be equivalent to 4 hours of work, they are a well respected, insured, and bonded company. I called around to a few more companies but for some odd reason I decided to go with them. A decision I regret deeply. My appointment was for 4pm this Saturday the 31st. They called me to say they were running late and would be there at 5:30pm. When they got to our building, they asked me if we had a vacuum they could borrow as theirs had just broken. No Problem. I took them upstairs and they said oh its a small condo, and there is barely any furniture here. They should finish with time to spare! I asked them if I should remove the photos from the walls to make it easier to clean and they said no, they will just spot clean. Then they told me they wouldn't clean the pantry because there were rubbermaid boxes in the way...... Not really happy with this but I volunteered to move the boxes out of the way so they could get access. At 6:15pm I told them I had to step out to run an errand and would be back by 7:30pm. I left and came back at 7:15pm and was promptly told they would not be able to finish and would need at least another 2 hours to finish and asked me if I wanted to re-schedule ! At $80/hr I surely said no. After they left I took a walk around and thought, What the HECK did these guys do for 2 hours. The small bathroom, living room vents, fridge, and some counter-tops were clean. My grandparent's entire bedroom hadn't been touched, the linoleum hadn't been swept or mopped, and the walls were still dirty. I went home and thought for a long long time and just felt so unhappy that I paid that much for such a bad job. I sent the owner a message letting her know I was a bit upset, told her what had and had not been cleaned and that I thought they over charged for 2 hours. The owner then said to me "Apparently it's your walls, they were very dirty. If you wish to book more time, please give me a call"
This just blew my mind. Not only did I not get a 'Sorry for the Misunderstanding' I'm pretty sure I was actually being blamed for an unfinished job that I just paid for?! :(
Anyhow, I just wanted to share my experience with this local company Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. They have group-on's and a lot of ads out there. I'm sure most of my friends aren't so lazy like me and are capable of cleaning up themselves, but if anyone ever needs cleaning services.
Don't Call Them <3 p="">
*Update*
After no provoke on my end, and a simple reply of "Thank you but I will not be requiring your services" The owner just sent me a text that pretty much said "your place was FILTHY"
I'm positive that one of the main rules in business is you DO NOT blame your client. My grandparents' place has been un-inhabited for a few months and as I previously stated, we had just cleared haul and removed all furniture and re-carpeted. Yes it was pretty dusty but was FAR from filthy. I just wish I could show everyone how NOT DIRTY our place was before they came. All we needed was someone to wash the floors, and walls. I just cannot believe a company can go around and insult its client as a response to a complaint.  

The best feeling

So, its been awhile since I last wrote an entry.
I've been trying to go out more, be it movies or dinner with friends, studio, or even clean the condo. Studio sales are actually going decent. It's making me back some spending money and definitely feel like I am doing better and better. I even made a shirt that I think has lots of potential !
Anyways, I'm still not 100%. It's really bugging me still that I'm not and I spend maybe 1/4 of my day thinking about him still.... or rather imagining what I would say if I saw his fat selfish face again. Yeah, I imagine conversations over and over and over again. So basically I still haven't forgiven myself. Not him. But myself. It wasn't all my fault. Not even close. But its not every minute any more. Maybe every few hours. So I'm doing a lot better. Yeah.

Anyhow main reason for this entry. This blog has always been like my diary. I write in it when bad things happen, and I write in it when good things happen. I haven't had a happy entry in a long time, so I'm sure it will be nice to read something more upbeat. Plus it boosted my confidence :)

So, has anyone ever had a day where they decide to wear something, and then regret it later on? I do that almost every day. On Sunday I decided to wear a pair of short shorts. It was a nice day and I said "I've lost weight, I can pull these off !" And then as the day progresses I start saying "MY THIGHS ARE WHITE AND JIGGLY I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM WEARING THESE" Finally at around 8pm I call it a day at the studio and start walking home. Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle. I finally get home and check my phone and I have one text from old super crush that simply read "Nice Legs". (For those who don't know, when I first met supercrush 2 years ago I had huuuuuge crush on him. Obviously he did not. Anyways, I've grown up and now we're decent friends, but of course there is always the notion that I used to like him.) Back on topic. I get a random text from him that says "Nice Legs". Uh, excuse me? He texts me back, and apparently he was driving by and totally checked me out because I was sporting some 'serious legs'. But the real kicker is: He didn't know even know it was me ! He said after he realized who he was checking out he shook his head and said "Aaaah Fuck". Made me smile super big. Hahaha, Ugly Duckling grows up :)
Anyways, it just made me feel happy, and kind of boosted my confidence. And just made me feel pretty again.

I know I say this at the end of every blog, but I think I'll be okay now......

Healing

This post was sitting in my draft box for a few months. Not too sure why I never posted it, but I've gone and came back from London !!

Almost 3 months have past since I told Dave to leave me alone and almost 7 months have passed since I broke up with you. I broke up with you. You may have wanted to, but that doesn't matter because I was the one that had the balls to say it. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still pretty mad, but I'm doing a lot better. Not gonna lie but I still secretly hope you'll message me one day and say Sorry. But I've at least gotten to the the point where I'm okay now because there is a very low chance of that happening. You're too stupid and selfish to think you did anything wrong.
I bake and cook a lot more now to kinda fill the void and I also am on Pintrest an awful lot. Hahah yeah. A lot. But anyways. I'm doing better. I sleep a bit better and don't wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, but I do still have a little trouble staying asleep. I'm also going to London next week :) Thats big news. I really wanted to do something to feel brave an independant again and nothing does that like a solo trip to a country you've never been before. I decided about a month and a half ago that I wanted to go somewhere and I narrowed it down to San Francisco or London (how odd). I originally really wanted to go to San Fran but London seemed scarier and I knew I would feel better coming back from that trip. San Francisco reminded me of New York and as much as I wanted to go to their Chinatown and eat food and feel rich, I thought it was a very "safe" vacation. So I'll be hostel-ing it up in London. Haven't done much packing and research yet but I know I'm looking forward to the museums and markets. And of course food. The only downfall is Europe is pricy :S But, whatever, I that's what money is for, right?

David Villote is a huge asshole

Nope.
Thats not even close.
David Villote is the biggest fucking cocksucker I have ever known. This guy is the biggest selfish cunt face and he doesn't even realize it. The worst kind.

I can't even type right now, I'm so fucking pissed. So many things I want to say about this asshole that I don't even know where to begin. I hope you get herpes you mother fucking shit head. I hope you get herpes and your house gets repossessed. Which isn't even that big of a wish because you're heading straight for that road anyways. You bastard. You cause so much trouble for people and you don't even realize what you are doing. All you think about is yourself and what makes you happy. I KNEW IT and I still fucking dated you. I regret every single minute I spent with you beleiving your lies and telling myself I was happy. I hate that I once cared for a person like you. Someone that was able to move on SO EASILY and not even feel bad about the SHIT YOU CAUSED.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

No More

No More.

It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.

Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.

I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.

Thus it inevitable that we broke up.

Why is this one so hard

So very very hard.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.



This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.

My favorite movies

So I'm supposed to be making lists of things that make me happy and I thought I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies that always make me happy after watching them :)

Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie


....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.

Half a Year

Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.

Half a year.

Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.

But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.

A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.

Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away. 

Do you remember when you told me you dreamed that you and I ballroom danced under the chandelier at Corona Station?

I do.

A different kind of sadness

Does anyone else ever feel really really sad after they finish reading a really good book?
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?

When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They  met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)

So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and  maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !

Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.

Angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QavgbeEAZmQ

While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....

Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.

I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.

I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....

I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.

Sigh.

Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Someone else's answer

This is such a great question, closure... we all want it so bad, yet when heartbroken I have no idea if there is a real closure... When my ex left me, I was devastated, I tried to have hope, I tried to hate, I tried to forget, none of them seemed to work. I wanted closure, she would never give it to me, I wasnt pushy either, from the day she suddenly broke up with me I didn't contact her for over 30 days, when I tried she wasnt very responsive, then when I moved back into town, our meet up where I was hoping to just have a friendly conversation, she brings her sister and makes it like they are in a hurry.

Now she left me for another guy, straight up, they were together right after we broke up and are still.. Could have started together while we were still together, I have no idea, day by day for so long I hurt and wanted to know why, but no good could have ever really come from it, because it is never what I would have wanted to hear, but then one day, things just finally changed, the hurt became so much less, and then when they announced theyre relationship publicly via facebook and many people called me up about it, I wasn't mad, hurt, sad, hateful, or spiteful; I really was not even bothered by it, I suprised myself with the way I felt inside... I feel time brings us closure, becoming the person we once were, I know I have become so much more outgoing again and seeing the joys in life and really looking to enjoy everyday more than I ever have, that is my closure, my happiness is back... and one day I know I will find somoene who will make me happier, not make me look for any closures.

Closure comes from within. This I have now learned, it took me awhile, but now I am seeing it.

Untitled

Never once did I ever mention marriage. Not Once.
The thought of it terrifies me.
People always change. You are proof of that.

Everything I Ever Wanted .....

You never did for me.

Dave sent me Happy New Years on the 1st. It was the first message I saw when I finally opened my eyes. Of course I cried ! It motivated me to get out of bed and meet my family for dimsum, who I told I wasn't coming. I talked to him on and off for the rest of the day. And right as I went to bed. I told him I needed him to leave me alone. And then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he hadn't replied back. And he didn't the next day or the day after.
But then. A week later he sent me a message. He invited me to his birthday party. It made me mad that even now he still doesn't listen to the things I ask of him. That he was very selfish always thinking about what would make him feel better, and not how I would feel too.  Doesn't he realize how much more he makes my heart hurt? So, so painful. Maybe I shouldn'tve told him his messages made me happy. They did, but only for a split second. And then it was like August all over again. Random people tell me he does it because he misses me. But I think he does it because he feels guilty. Regardless of the answer my heart hurts. Day 21 today. The longest I made it without messaging Dave was 26 days. I need to make it past that. I hadn't cried for a really really long time, but I started again yesterday in the movie theatre. I really need to stop going to those. No matter what type of movie, I haven't made it out of there without crying. Even if its a comedy. Too much sitting around and time to let my mind wander. Today after I got home I started sobbing again too. I wish I didn't, and I don't know why I started again either. If only I was stronger. I just wish I had someone to talk too. Someone to just keep my mind busy so that I didn't think so much. Then maybe everything wouldn't remind me of him. And everything wouldn't be so painful...

Anyways. I waited till midnight. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a horrible day filled with sorrow and regret. You probably won't, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Time heals all...

The feeling of having the one person in your whole entire world who you trusted the most, give up on you and walk away.


I think it takes a lot of time to heal that kind of pain

Myself again....

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore"

This blog-diary is turning into one of those ones where I post a quote of the day. Cept its not inpirational. Ha-ha.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to reply back to Dave. And that quote above is one of them. I can't treat you like just a friend after all I've been and done with you. It was very silly of you to ask me to try. And so soon after crushing my heart too.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better. Almost a week ago I told Dave I wished I never met him.That my heart missed him so much, and I wished it didn't. Ironically, I woke up the next day and my heart didn't hurt anymore :) And I felt better. I know it was a very mean thing for me to say, but I don't regret saying it. And the best thing for you to have done is give me space. (Which, btw, is what you should've done in the first place). I just hope it lasts. 5 days later and I'm still feeling relieved, but I'm getting an urge to send him a text again :( I just want to know what he thinks. I wonder if he feels bad, and knows how much I hurt. Or if he feels relieved that I'm out of his life. Anyways. This shouldn't matter, because Dave isn't a part of my life anymore. A part of me still wants him to be, but that part isn't so big anymore. Instead of missing him, I'm able to focus on all the things he never did for me, and all the things he was never there for. I'm happy glad that I've started to take off those stupid rose colored glasses again. But its always sad thinking that I've wasted my time. I know, I need to think of it as a lesson learned. But apart of that spiteful me says 'But David never learned anything'. And that is a big reason why I'm so down around him too I think. I want him to feel bad, and I don't want to let him off the hook so easily...... I'm such a jerk ! Hahaha, but maybe thats what you get for breaking the kindest girl you will ever meet's heart. Anyways, it's a big unknown what will happen next. And I need to remember I'm not a fortune teller or mind reader. Maybe I'll never talk to Dave again, and that could be a good thing. But, I do hope something works out... that I can find it in my heart to forgive him, and he will message me and I can tell him I'm okay now.
Yes. I think that would be nice.

Basic Solutions

If only I could follow them....

Sometimes on a slow day at work (like today) I will google things like this. Ironically, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one suffering with a broken heart and sometimes. Just sometimes. There is a piece of advice that stands out to me. Kinda like this bit.

just remember that in order for someone to be right for you, feelings have to be mutual . if he doesn't feel a connection, then maybe you need to analyze whether your feelings are real. when you can't have someone, you want them so much more.

I kept saying Dave gave up too easily, and never tried hard enough, and he just needed to sit back and think about things and times that we were happy. And that is my wishful thinking. Me wanting to push my feelings into him..... Its very hard for me to understand how someone can fall out of love. (Especially with me!) I put a lot of effort into this relationship, and I suppose I'm bitter because I didn't get anything in return. I do just wish he had been more honest with me. Even the last part of the quote is quite funny to me. That is what I originally planned to do to Dave. I would make him miss me. I guess you all know from the last gajillion posts how that turned out. Anyways. I keep on, keep on, keep on writing in here to get these feelings out. I thought Dave was right for me, and its very, very, very hard for me to understand that Dave didn't feel I was right for him. I've never had that feeling before.... or maybe I did but just ignored it. When we were still dating, sometimes I would think, Dave doesn't really understand me. But then I would say, Thats just me being picky ! Warning signs, that I ignored. *sigh* There were even warning signs I said to myself before I started dated Dave. If only I had listened. They were all right. Dave never took me seriously before we dated, and he never took me seriously while we dated. He only started to listen (a bit) after we broke up. But that is too painful for me. To have him casually drop in and drop out of my life. It's too unexpected and painful. It triggers those happy highs when I see him, and then several hours later it brings those gut-wrenching lows.

I know. I know. I know. I need to stop seeing him and talking to him. Maybe I'm just building up courage ! My god. It hasn't even been 5 months.... It feels like its been an eternity....... But, it would be lying if I said I haven't gotten anywhere. I haven't seen a picture of him in so long I've forgotten what he looks like. I've managed to go out a few times (albeit it wasn't a happy drunken, few times). And I've summed up the courage to tell him I missed him (and have yet to regret it). It feels okay to get it off my chest, and maybe him not replying is the best thing that could happen :) Him not relplying tells me he can't return my feelings. So theres nothing up in the air anymore, and I should definately stop wondering if he misses me. And that also means no more imaginary conversations with you either.

Maybe  my heart really can say goodbye this time.....

Maybe this will be goodbye...

"The thing that made me the happiest today is seeing a message from you. My heart misses you very very much and every night before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning I wish very very hard that it didn't and sometimes that I never met you"

What I sent to Dave when he wished me a Merry Christmas. He never replied back, which I wasn't really expecting him to, but was of course secretly hoping he would. Of course I was hoping for a fairy tale ending where he would say he missed me too. But, my brain knew, if I thought with a level head, that he was only being nice to me because he saw me as a regular friend. I miss him a lot, and I'll probably cry the next few nights/weeks, but its over and done with. I told him I missed him, and theres nothing else really left to do (especially considering I said I wouldn't do anymore chasing) It appears that nothing will ever get better and you will always be your cowardly, selfish self. I know what I said wasn't exactly the nicest thing, and what would he even say to me after that. But......I just wanted to let him know. That I missed him.

I wish I could be stronger and just forgive and forget all the heartbreak. But I don't think I can. Maybe I'm selfish too. I just want you to suffer and feel bad for what you put me through, and I want you to feel bad for what you did. It wasn't very nice, and I've said over and over again, that it was outright selfish of you to put me through what you did the last 2 months. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you, and if I can't forgive you, then its probably not a good idea for us to be friends anymore. We never started out with being just friends, so it was very silly and selfish of you to ask me to go back to being something we never knew how to be in the first place.

I wish this was goodbye, but I have a feeling I will probably have a weak spell and message you again.

Should I just be Frank?

Or Henry, or George, or Johnny....

My most recent attempt at humor......*weak smile*
The drama of a girl with a indecisive heart. First I don't like him, then I like him, then I'm not sure, then I like him a lot, then I hate him, then I miss him, then I hate him, then I miss him so much I think I might love him. I'm sure the last one is just me being dramatic. If I wanted to I could go and Google How do you know if you love someone, and see if that fits. But, at this point in time, I think that is the very last thing I should be doing. I'm sure its just my heart playing tricks on me, and my attachement to Dave that's making me feel this way. I did think at one point in time that we could get married. So, I guess it would be only natural to feel more attached to him than anyone else I've ever dated. I thought life with him was interesting and I felt cared for. When I look at the good side anyways. I always forget to look at the things I ignored because I was so blinded by happiness. I feel like I could be that person who refuses to give up, and keeps trying and trying and refusing to let go because I believe.
And then I think, no this is just the disorder talking, making me me unable to see both sides. Unable to let go and move on. Unable to adjust to the loss. Making me think of only the things that made me happy, becuase that's all that mattered. And making me forget about all the times he made me sad, and gave up so easily. Making me put all his good qualities before his equally as many bad qualities.
I tried to erase you from my picture, just like I originally had sketched you in. I wanted to get you out and as far away from me as possible, so I could be the me that was happy before I met you. I want to forget you. But then, it gets hard again when something trips. An old memory, friends mentioning your name or your friends. It makes me think of every possible situation and outcome. Why I wasn't asked, who's been talking, what if they said that, or thought this. Maybe she said something, maybe she heard something. So many possibilites, and I can't think that maybe none of them happened. Maybe nobody cares, and it all just boils down to a simiple thing. Everyone just wants to have fun with their friends.
I know I need to stop over-thinking things. That maybe thats one of the many reasons why this relationship failed. I wonder if Dave's friends think about me, or think that Dave made the wrong choice. I wonder, and I shouldn't because its trivial, and it shouldn't matter. I shoud be thinking about how to get better and become stronger. Not wondering and worrying about what people that shouldn't matter to me are thinking. If they really were saying horrible things about you, then I don't need them as friends, right?
Anyways, back on topic. My question is really asking myself if I should just honestly tell Dave that I miss him. He always asked me how I was doing, and I would always give an open ended answer. And now I think I should just flat out tell him. I miss you. I don't want to, and I try not to but I do. But I think the first thing I need to do is forgive you. On random days I still get mad at you and start crying and calling you poo-head. I do it to convince myself to stop crying over you because your not worth it. But deep down, I think I still miss you. You weren't a great boyfriend, and maybe this is the disorder talking, but I feel like I miss you. And maybe I should let you know? A while ago I asked you if it made you uncomfortable when I said I missed you. Without hesitating you said 'No'. No because it was only natural. I only told you once that I missed you, and that was a few days right after we broke up. Then I never said it again because I didn't want to seem like the weak one. But not saying it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. So thats why I think, that the next time you ask me how I'm doing. I will tell you. Because you shouldn't ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer for.
I hope I'll be okay.

I miss you :(

I'm such a high school girl.
I can't remember what you look like anymore but I still miss you. The thing that would make me the happiest is being able to wake up and lie in bed next to you. Just for a little bit. I'm so silly for still missing you. For not being able to move on and move past you yet. For being scared when other guys show interest in me. I want to see you, and I want to hear you say that you miss me too. I'm so silly. You'll ask me how I'm doing, but I'm too scared to answer you back. To scared because I know I over think things, and I automatically assume that you messaging me, means you miss me. Because what I do when I miss you. I keep hoping I will have a fairytale ending and you will look for me. And that I can't completely convince myself that its over. That we are over. I don't think about how you gave up on me. How you ignored me, instead of told me what was on your mind. How I fought for us, but you didn't even try. How you just kept me around as someone to have sex with. I say this to myself everytime I start to miss you and I feel like crying. And it works for a bit, but a tiny while later my heart will ache again. I read so many articles on how to deal with a broken heart, and I see how others feel and go through exactly what I'm going through, and I just wish I could be Black or White. Not inbetween. Not hating you and wanting you at the same time. I want you in my life so much, or not at all. Not even a friend. I haven't talked or seen Dave since my last post. 26 days. It seemed so long, but it wasn't really. Day 7. Day 12. Day 20. I felt stronger and stronger every day. And then slowly I started to think about you and miss you all over again. Wondering if you were happy. Wondering if you thought about me. But I didn't want to ask you, because I didn't want to hear the answer. I want to move away from here. Far away from everything and everyone and every place that reminds me of you. Away from my friends and family to be a strong person again. I miss you very much. And I wish I didn't. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I accepted you for who you were, and I tried to help you work on your faults, but I never got mad if you failed or got distracted. I wanted you to do the same for me. To be my equal and help me stand when I needed help. I didn't want you to pity me, I wanted you to understand me. I told you all my weaknesses and fears so that you could be there for me when I felt scared. But you didn't do that for me. Even though I supported everything you did. You never did the same for me. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, even if it hurt. It wouldve made me feel better because it meant you saw us together in the future.
I miss you. And I wish I didnt.

Feeling like myself

Today was the first day where I felt like I was going to be okay. That I felt I was able to go an hour without thinking of him. Today I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it.
12 days ago I saw Dave. And 12 days ago I told myself it would be the last time I would see him. And that I couldn't just be his friend. I told myself that many many times, but I couldn't convince myself to let him go. I was hoping that he would say something to me, and I would get the benefit of telling him this. But he didn't. So I just said goodbye in my heart. I miss him very much, but everyday that goes by I feel stronger and stronger. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and see him as just a silly boy that doesn't hurt me anymore.
I think maybe I won't see the therapist next week too. It helped being told that I had depression, but I dont feel llike she's giving me enough to work with. Teaching me things to do when I'm slumping. I find I'm just doing things on my own that make me feel better. Small simple things that make me feel pretty and happy and make me feel like a different person. Parting my bangs to the other side, wearing different colors, wearing my barrette on a different side, new glasses.... Its small material changes but it makes me feel new. And I can put the old weaker me behind. I even went to the studio and spruced it up a bit, and made a few aprons. It could've been that I've just been interacting with more people this week, but I feel less sad. And that I'm not thinking of sad things as much anymore..... That and I've been thinking of moving somewhere lately. Not sure if its just on a whim, but I really want to do something that will make me feel strong and independant again. Back to NY, or maybe Vancouver.... or maybe just a long trip to Europe..... Something different that will make me happy memories.......

I just miss the idea of you

1. I miss having someone to spend my weekends with
2. I miss his/her sense of humor/laugh
3. I miss knowing that I have someone out there who cares about me
4. I miss his/her sweet text messages/love notes/phone calls/etc.
5. I miss having love/affection/sex
6. I miss his/her scent
7. I miss always having someone to talk to when something good/bad happens
8. I miss his/her style
9. I miss being treated to dinner/getting gifts
10. I miss his/her drive/motivation

If you checked off mostly even numbers, than it seems you truly do miss your ex-companion. If you checked off mostly odd numbers, it’s the absence of the companionship that has you hurting.

I did this survey about 2 months ago and I tried to convince myself that I said yes to all 10 questions. I looked at it again last night and I really only said yes to the odd #s and I had to think really hard for the even #s. Maybe I do only miss the idea of you. I told myself that before too. That I never really loved you and maybe just loved the idea of you. I thought you made me happy but really I was only happy around you because you were someone to be around. Just like how I can be happy at work because there are people to be around.  The biggest clue that I don't actually miss Dave is the thing I've been saying every day to myself is I feel lonely. Not I miss him. Maybe the part where I can't look at him or cheer up when I see him is my own psyche playing tricks on me. So help me forget about you. Help me see the faults that you had. Because I know you had them, I just ignored them....

Dave never really had a sense of humor, I can't remember a time where he really made me laugh.
He never really sent me sweet texts or called me or stopped by just because. Not unless I asked him to. I did that a lot for him
He never really wore cologne often, and the one he didn't wasn't amazing either. He always smelled like his deoderant which smelled like ointment, but it wasn't gross......
Well. I do miss his old sense of style. When he wore dress shirts and ties. The guys at work remind me of him because they dress well, and when Dave had to he dressed well too.....
Dave had no motivation.
He changed his mind very easily.
Do you remember that thing about how you can judge how a man will treat you by how he treats his favorite pair of jeans? If he has one pair that he's held on to for the longest time or if he tosses them out as soon as a new trend comes along? He was kind of the latter. Always buying new phones not able to have a favorite something.
I never really felt special to him..... He never did things that made me knew he cared for me or knew me or understood me.
The silly presents he would get for me.
He was there physically a lot, but not very mentally. When I felt sad or cried or was upset, he would say things that didn't really make me feel better.
He made me feel bad for things I shouldn't feel bad about, but he never once felt bad for things he's said to me.
He wasn't tall...... or in the greatest shape.
He wasn't a good homeowner, and even his roomate said that, someone who's known him for 3/4 of his life.
He would tell me his family meant a lot to him, but if I think about it he never did much to help them out. (Like work harder to get out of debt and pay off his parents' mortgage like he said)
He had horrible eating, sleeping, health, hygiene habits.
Make a mix tape just for me & Make sure I go to the therapist. - The only 2 things I really wanted from him and he never did.

See, he has a lot of faults. You wrote this list out yourself, so you can see the reasons why he's not good for you. Maybe he does realize and maybe he doesn't. And even if he does realize, what will/can he do about it and will it stay that way? You know him more than he knows himself sometimes, and the answer, unfortunately, is a most definate No.

The Day After Yesterday

I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.

instruction manual

Has anyone else ever wished there was an instruction manual to life? That at the hardest, toughest times in life you could take a peek and it would tell you what to do to get back on track?
That or wish they were a mind reader. I'm so broken right now! I feel tired all the time, when I wake up, and I don't want to do anything after work. 5-10pm is so short, but so long at the same time. I wish I could just lie in bed and sleep and not have to think and wonder constantly. I wonder what Dave is thinking, what he's doing and if he regrets his decision. I want to tell him I miss him, and I want to ask if he misses me. But I don't want to hear the answer because if its not what I want to hear I think I will break even more. So many times I've said to myself I need to get him out of my life completely, and I'm so stubborn. I don't want him to leave, but I think I know as long as he's here and keeps messaging me, my heart will never let him go. Everything reminds me of him. I think everything I see and hear relates to him and I. And I think I just need to forget he ever existed. It makes me so temporarily happy when he messages me. So happy that I'm scared to message him back, because I don't want to feel that pain of when he doesn't message me back. It hurts so very much. That the one person who is capable of making me feel okay, is the same person that can shatter me to pieces. I want to find my energy and happiness, and myself again, I want to but its so odd. It feels like I'm being pulled down by an invisible net that I want to get up, but I just can't. Like I can't open my eyes  fully or think of things to say. That everything is just blank.

step 1

I tried to call the therapists office to set up an appointment yesterday.
I only got the answering machine, but I did leave a message. I just hope someone will call me back soon. I need help, and I really need it soon. I'm crying constantly, and feeling sad all the time. I feel alone and abandoned and that there is always something else more important than me. That nobody believes in me. I asked Dave the first time it had been suggested I go see a therapist, to make sure I go. "Please make sure I go, I don't want it to get worse again." Please, I asked him. And he never did make sure I went. And I just feel so sad because I knew he didn't care about me. I just want to feel that I matter to someone, that I'm on someone's list of people that are important to them. Everything I look at is grey. It seems like there are no colors any more, and drawing and sewing, and anything doesn't seem interesting or fun anymore.

not getting better.....

.... which means I'm getting worse.
Almost 3 months since Dave and I broke up and I still feel so sad. Not just because of the break up, but also because of how lonely I feel. I physically feel like I have no one. I come home to an empty house, and I am sad. I text friends when I am lonely and they don't seem to understand how depressed I feel. That nothing makes me smile or laugh. That I want to get out of the house, but I don't know how. I'm crying randomly every 2nd day or so and I don't really know why. I haven't started cutting myself again which is good, but I do think about dying at least once a day and how it would be easier than waking up sad every morning. A lot has happened since my last post, and nothing has happened. I turned 27. I saw Dave. I saw Dave's friends. There's a lot that goes through my mind every day. How I still miss him and wonder what he is doing. If he is happy and/or if he regrets his decision. It helped a lot that I blocked his updates from my feed so I don't see what he is doing anymore (which reminds me I should block Daisy too). I haven't come to an conclusion yet, but I have a lot of speculations. I wonder how Dave broke it to his friends and what they thought when he told them. I'm sure many of his friends thought we were awesome together, and some of them thought we would get married. Especially because we got along well. So, I think that it must've come as a surprise and I wonder what they thought about. If any of them wanted to say, 'what the fuck are you thinking, Corinna supported you, came to everything that was important to you, and only complained about not having enough time together. You're not getting younger, and you're chasing pipe dreams instead of focusing on whats in front of you, why are you giving up on someone who cares so much about you?!' Originally I assumed his friends were all just ignoring me, but after I went to see everyone on Big Dave's birthday, I re-wondered about that too. Big Dave gave me a big hug and said he missed me and told me to smile. (I guess he knew I was still really sad). I left pretty early because I just kept getting sadder and sadder there, so I didn't say bye to everyone. That resulted in Levar messaging me the next day asking how I was doing. I was a bit confused by this because I didn't know if he was trying to snoop, or whatnot. Daisy never said a single word to me that night, and I will never know if she deliberately did that, or just didn't see me. Of all Dave's friends, Daisy was also the only person who never wished me HBD. Anyways, yeah, Levar asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing the same, and he told me to elaborate. I said I didn't want to, and he told me not to worry because our conversation would be confidential. I didn't know if that was the truth or not, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it because it would make me feel sad again, and he said it was okay, and that he didn't want to make me sad. And then he told me to take care of myself because I was a good person..... So, that and hearing that Big Dave said he missed me too, made me feel a bit better the next few days following. I knew then that they knew I was a good person and that it wasn't anything I did to cause the break-up, that it surprised them as much as it surprised me and that it was purely Dave being stupid Dave. Well, I guess I dont truly know, but just speculate. But even Nomin thinks so too. She tells me lots too, that what Dave did was a very selfish thing, and if he doesn't eventually regret it, then he will forever be a bum-hole. And another thing that we agreed upon is how much drama Daisy causes. David told me he never wanted to date Daisy but I dont think I believed him. I think he wanted to date her, but she didn't want to date him. And it does hurt that he valued her opinion more than mine, and had tons of pictures of him and her together, but maybe 2 of him and I. And I thought about all the people that can't hang out with Dave anymore just because of Daisy. Tony, Travis, Brendan, Me.... theres all one thing in common, that we all used to be good friends with everyone but Daisy led to us being kicked out/we don't want to hang out with Dave's friends anymore because of Daisy. The next thing that can happen that will prove this point is if Daisy and Levar break up. And if Levar gets kicked out of his circle of friends, then I'm hoping some eyes will be opened..... But regardless, Daisy has Dave wrapped around her finger, I dont think he will ever see any fault in her and what she does to his friends.
But even so, I still feel so lonely without him. Lots of things still remind me of him, and I still look at my phone ever day hoping to see a message from him. He gave me a hug too on Big Dave's birthday and sent me a few messages after to say he was really glad I came out and that it was good to see me. He stopped by my place too on my birthday (at my request) and got me the Chewie plush that I asked for in August because it reminded me of Lika. I haven't really talked to him since my birthday but I do feel he listened to me a bit more than usual. (ie, he asked if I went to see the therapist, saw that i started reading the book he gave me, asked if I took the job offer, bought me something I asked for months ago....) and his voice didn't sound so cold the last time I talked to him too..... So I guess maybe he does feel bad.... But regardless I shouldn't be caring about that crap. I have stopped blaming myself for this break-up though I think. I'm not trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore, and I'm telling myself it was Dave's selfish-ness. It helps a lot too that other friends are telling me this too so I know its not just my imagination. That lots of people tell me I am a good person, and I can extrapolate from that that that means Dave was the bad person and he was the one that caused the problem.......I just hope. With all my heart. That Dave realizes how very sad he made me feel because of his selfishness. That he thinks about it every day and that everything reminds him of me and how much of a coward he is.

Slow. Painful. Torture.

Waiting is torture I tell you.
I miss Dave. or at least I'm pretty sure I miss him. I'm constantly clutching my phone hoping to see him message me. And I stay off Facebook so I won't see his status updates and see that hes doing awesome and better without me. Next time I feel a slump coming on I need to pinpoint what I think about and decipher if its exactly Dave I miss, or if I just miss the company. I feel so silly because I'm pretty sure I'm waiting for him to come around...... and the big problem with that is 'What if He Doesn't Come Around'? And even then, the thing I want the most is for Dave to say 'I Miss You Too'. But then what? Think of everything thats happened and the way he's treated you, and they way his friends treated you. Would I just act like nothing happened and everything is okay? No, I probably wouldn't be able to let it go. How Daisy ignored me and how his friends ignored me. And how much pain Dave put me through. I don't even know if I can be friends anymore. Because if Dave is still in my life I think I will still miss him. And I don't want my heart to feel this pain forever. Dave's messaged me a few times last week and I didn't reply back. When I saw his text's it made me feel like he missed me. But I didn't want to find out he didn't, so I just ignored them. I want to talk to him and see him, but I know thats the last thing I should do. Really I need distance from him. So I can forget about how happy he made me. I need to realize though, that I was a good girlfriend. I did lots for him, and took care of him, and tried to help him save. If Dave doesn't feel like an asshole for doing what he did to me, then he is an asshole. The fact that he and his friends were able to forget me so quickly and not feel bad after breaking up, then he wasn't the one. And thats what I don't need. And if Dave does realize what he did to me was horriible, then maybe I'll be okay. So, just like Cathy, I'll be better off either way.
Now believe it C.

stop

just stop.


http://www.ehow.com/how_4746451_missing-someone-that-meant-lot.html

Dear Chrisssssss

I'm writing this to tell you how much of a looooooser you are.

No, actually I'm not. Only people I know have the tendancy to know where that line is from. Ai-yah, writing so much in here lately. Still missing poo-head, but not to the point that its painful. Day-tight Compartments, ey?
So, I went to the studio yesterday to prep for the surprise Block Party on Friday. Gabby was there, and she asked how Dave and I were doing. And, I know if I could record myself speaking and play it back a week later I would feel so silly! Just because I know my heart still misses him and the way I'm saying things like I still don't want to mess anything up :S One good thing though, Gabby and Halabi all agree that I'm missing "closure". And that it's semi normal to have gone through all that doubting and second guessing, and wondering what i did wrong. *SIGH*
And the 2nd thing that came up that I realized. Gabby asked me what I thought of Daisy. And I didn't know how to answer her. I said I guess she intimidated me. And Gabby said, 'Hell yeah, anybody would be'. You're boyfriends best friend is a girl! And I think maybe I never did believe Dave when he said he and Daisy never wanted to date. Father was right, comparing yourself to someone is a lose-lose situation. Maybe I compared myself to Daisy and felt insecure because I wasn't anything like her, and yet Dave got along so well with her and valued her opinion. A LOT. They had the same hobbies, the same interests, and she was so much more confident. It would almost be like that time Dave got upset at me because he thought I valued Brendan's advice more than his. The only difference was I only saw Brendan maybe once every few months. Dave saw Daisy every week and he went out of his way to see her for lunch. Ah, I was so jealous that they had so much in common :( I got along easily with Dave's male friends, but Daisy I was always so nervous around. And it made it that much worse when she ignored my message to her, because it just hammered in the thought that she never truly accepted me as a friend, and just as a chapter in Dave's life....SO DEEP.

Anyhow, I figure I'm still analyzing every tiny detail because deep deep down, I still miss the poo-head. Did I miss Michael this much when we broke up? I can't remember :( I know it hasn't even been 2 months, and I'm not crazy obsessing anymore, but I still miss having someone to hang out with and relax around, and do life things with. :(

Do you hear that you poo face? I Miss You !!