The Day After Yesterday

I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.