.... which means I'm getting worse.
Almost 3 months since Dave and I broke up and I still feel so sad. Not just because of the break up, but also because of how lonely I feel. I physically feel like I have no one. I come home to an empty house, and I am sad. I text friends when I am lonely and they don't seem to understand how depressed I feel. That nothing makes me smile or laugh. That I want to get out of the house, but I don't know how. I'm crying randomly every 2nd day or so and I don't really know why. I haven't started cutting myself again which is good, but I do think about dying at least once a day and how it would be easier than waking up sad every morning. A lot has happened since my last post, and nothing has happened. I turned 27. I saw Dave. I saw Dave's friends. There's a lot that goes through my mind every day. How I still miss him and wonder what he is doing. If he is happy and/or if he regrets his decision. It helped a lot that I blocked his updates from my feed so I don't see what he is doing anymore (which reminds me I should block Daisy too). I haven't come to an conclusion yet, but I have a lot of speculations. I wonder how Dave broke it to his friends and what they thought when he told them. I'm sure many of his friends thought we were awesome together, and some of them thought we would get married. Especially because we got along well. So, I think that it must've come as a surprise and I wonder what they thought about. If any of them wanted to say, 'what the fuck are you thinking, Corinna supported you, came to everything that was important to you, and only complained about not having enough time together. You're not getting younger, and you're chasing pipe dreams instead of focusing on whats in front of you, why are you giving up on someone who cares so much about you?!' Originally I assumed his friends were all just ignoring me, but after I went to see everyone on Big Dave's birthday, I re-wondered about that too. Big Dave gave me a big hug and said he missed me and told me to smile. (I guess he knew I was still really sad). I left pretty early because I just kept getting sadder and sadder there, so I didn't say bye to everyone. That resulted in Levar messaging me the next day asking how I was doing. I was a bit confused by this because I didn't know if he was trying to snoop, or whatnot. Daisy never said a single word to me that night, and I will never know if she deliberately did that, or just didn't see me. Of all Dave's friends, Daisy was also the only person who never wished me HBD. Anyways, yeah, Levar asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing the same, and he told me to elaborate. I said I didn't want to, and he told me not to worry because our conversation would be confidential. I didn't know if that was the truth or not, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it because it would make me feel sad again, and he said it was okay, and that he didn't want to make me sad. And then he told me to take care of myself because I was a good person..... So, that and hearing that Big Dave said he missed me too, made me feel a bit better the next few days following. I knew then that they knew I was a good person and that it wasn't anything I did to cause the break-up, that it surprised them as much as it surprised me and that it was purely Dave being stupid Dave. Well, I guess I dont truly know, but just speculate. But even Nomin thinks so too. She tells me lots too, that what Dave did was a very selfish thing, and if he doesn't eventually regret it, then he will forever be a bum-hole. And another thing that we agreed upon is how much drama Daisy causes. David told me he never wanted to date Daisy but I dont think I believed him. I think he wanted to date her, but she didn't want to date him. And it does hurt that he valued her opinion more than mine, and had tons of pictures of him and her together, but maybe 2 of him and I. And I thought about all the people that can't hang out with Dave anymore just because of Daisy. Tony, Travis, Brendan, Me.... theres all one thing in common, that we all used to be good friends with everyone but Daisy led to us being kicked out/we don't want to hang out with Dave's friends anymore because of Daisy. The next thing that can happen that will prove this point is if Daisy and Levar break up. And if Levar gets kicked out of his circle of friends, then I'm hoping some eyes will be opened..... But regardless, Daisy has Dave wrapped around her finger, I dont think he will ever see any fault in her and what she does to his friends.
But even so, I still feel so lonely without him. Lots of things still remind me of him, and I still look at my phone ever day hoping to see a message from him. He gave me a hug too on Big Dave's birthday and sent me a few messages after to say he was really glad I came out and that it was good to see me. He stopped by my place too on my birthday (at my request) and got me the Chewie plush that I asked for in August because it reminded me of Lika. I haven't really talked to him since my birthday but I do feel he listened to me a bit more than usual. (ie, he asked if I went to see the therapist, saw that i started reading the book he gave me, asked if I took the job offer, bought me something I asked for months ago....) and his voice didn't sound so cold the last time I talked to him too..... So I guess maybe he does feel bad.... But regardless I shouldn't be caring about that crap. I have stopped blaming myself for this break-up though I think. I'm not trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore, and I'm telling myself it was Dave's selfish-ness. It helps a lot too that other friends are telling me this too so I know its not just my imagination. That lots of people tell me I am a good person, and I can extrapolate from that that that means Dave was the bad person and he was the one that caused the problem.......I just hope. With all my heart. That Dave realizes how very sad he made me feel because of his selfishness. That he thinks about it every day and that everything reminds him of me and how much of a coward he is.
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