Half a Year

Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.

Half a year.

Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.

But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.

A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.

Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away.