Today was the first day where I felt like I was going to be okay. That I felt I was able to go an hour without thinking of him. Today I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it.
12 days ago I saw Dave. And 12 days ago I told myself it would be the last time I would see him. And that I couldn't just be his friend. I told myself that many many times, but I couldn't convince myself to let him go. I was hoping that he would say something to me, and I would get the benefit of telling him this. But he didn't. So I just said goodbye in my heart. I miss him very much, but everyday that goes by I feel stronger and stronger. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and see him as just a silly boy that doesn't hurt me anymore.
I think maybe I won't see the therapist next week too. It helped being told that I had depression, but I dont feel llike she's giving me enough to work with. Teaching me things to do when I'm slumping. I find I'm just doing things on my own that make me feel better. Small simple things that make me feel pretty and happy and make me feel like a different person. Parting my bangs to the other side, wearing different colors, wearing my barrette on a different side, new glasses.... Its small material changes but it makes me feel new. And I can put the old weaker me behind. I even went to the studio and spruced it up a bit, and made a few aprons. It could've been that I've just been interacting with more people this week, but I feel less sad. And that I'm not thinking of sad things as much anymore..... That and I've been thinking of moving somewhere lately. Not sure if its just on a whim, but I really want to do something that will make me feel strong and independant again. Back to NY, or maybe Vancouver.... or maybe just a long trip to Europe..... Something different that will make me happy memories.......
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