I can't tell if I'm really feeling better or just on a high right now.
I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).
I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.
On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~
Nite Sportsfans.
No comments:
Post a Comment