Myself again....

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore"

This blog-diary is turning into one of those ones where I post a quote of the day. Cept its not inpirational. Ha-ha.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to reply back to Dave. And that quote above is one of them. I can't treat you like just a friend after all I've been and done with you. It was very silly of you to ask me to try. And so soon after crushing my heart too.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better. Almost a week ago I told Dave I wished I never met him.That my heart missed him so much, and I wished it didn't. Ironically, I woke up the next day and my heart didn't hurt anymore :) And I felt better. I know it was a very mean thing for me to say, but I don't regret saying it. And the best thing for you to have done is give me space. (Which, btw, is what you should've done in the first place). I just hope it lasts. 5 days later and I'm still feeling relieved, but I'm getting an urge to send him a text again :( I just want to know what he thinks. I wonder if he feels bad, and knows how much I hurt. Or if he feels relieved that I'm out of his life. Anyways. This shouldn't matter, because Dave isn't a part of my life anymore. A part of me still wants him to be, but that part isn't so big anymore. Instead of missing him, I'm able to focus on all the things he never did for me, and all the things he was never there for. I'm happy glad that I've started to take off those stupid rose colored glasses again. But its always sad thinking that I've wasted my time. I know, I need to think of it as a lesson learned. But apart of that spiteful me says 'But David never learned anything'. And that is a big reason why I'm so down around him too I think. I want him to feel bad, and I don't want to let him off the hook so easily...... I'm such a jerk ! Hahaha, but maybe thats what you get for breaking the kindest girl you will ever meet's heart. Anyways, it's a big unknown what will happen next. And I need to remember I'm not a fortune teller or mind reader. Maybe I'll never talk to Dave again, and that could be a good thing. But, I do hope something works out... that I can find it in my heart to forgive him, and he will message me and I can tell him I'm okay now.
Yes. I think that would be nice.

Basic Solutions

If only I could follow them....

Sometimes on a slow day at work (like today) I will google things like this. Ironically, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one suffering with a broken heart and sometimes. Just sometimes. There is a piece of advice that stands out to me. Kinda like this bit.

just remember that in order for someone to be right for you, feelings have to be mutual . if he doesn't feel a connection, then maybe you need to analyze whether your feelings are real. when you can't have someone, you want them so much more.

I kept saying Dave gave up too easily, and never tried hard enough, and he just needed to sit back and think about things and times that we were happy. And that is my wishful thinking. Me wanting to push my feelings into him..... Its very hard for me to understand how someone can fall out of love. (Especially with me!) I put a lot of effort into this relationship, and I suppose I'm bitter because I didn't get anything in return. I do just wish he had been more honest with me. Even the last part of the quote is quite funny to me. That is what I originally planned to do to Dave. I would make him miss me. I guess you all know from the last gajillion posts how that turned out. Anyways. I keep on, keep on, keep on writing in here to get these feelings out. I thought Dave was right for me, and its very, very, very hard for me to understand that Dave didn't feel I was right for him. I've never had that feeling before.... or maybe I did but just ignored it. When we were still dating, sometimes I would think, Dave doesn't really understand me. But then I would say, Thats just me being picky ! Warning signs, that I ignored. *sigh* There were even warning signs I said to myself before I started dated Dave. If only I had listened. They were all right. Dave never took me seriously before we dated, and he never took me seriously while we dated. He only started to listen (a bit) after we broke up. But that is too painful for me. To have him casually drop in and drop out of my life. It's too unexpected and painful. It triggers those happy highs when I see him, and then several hours later it brings those gut-wrenching lows.

I know. I know. I know. I need to stop seeing him and talking to him. Maybe I'm just building up courage ! My god. It hasn't even been 5 months.... It feels like its been an eternity....... But, it would be lying if I said I haven't gotten anywhere. I haven't seen a picture of him in so long I've forgotten what he looks like. I've managed to go out a few times (albeit it wasn't a happy drunken, few times). And I've summed up the courage to tell him I missed him (and have yet to regret it). It feels okay to get it off my chest, and maybe him not replying is the best thing that could happen :) Him not relplying tells me he can't return my feelings. So theres nothing up in the air anymore, and I should definately stop wondering if he misses me. And that also means no more imaginary conversations with you either.

Maybe  my heart really can say goodbye this time.....

Maybe this will be goodbye...

"The thing that made me the happiest today is seeing a message from you. My heart misses you very very much and every night before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning I wish very very hard that it didn't and sometimes that I never met you"

What I sent to Dave when he wished me a Merry Christmas. He never replied back, which I wasn't really expecting him to, but was of course secretly hoping he would. Of course I was hoping for a fairy tale ending where he would say he missed me too. But, my brain knew, if I thought with a level head, that he was only being nice to me because he saw me as a regular friend. I miss him a lot, and I'll probably cry the next few nights/weeks, but its over and done with. I told him I missed him, and theres nothing else really left to do (especially considering I said I wouldn't do anymore chasing) It appears that nothing will ever get better and you will always be your cowardly, selfish self. I know what I said wasn't exactly the nicest thing, and what would he even say to me after that. But......I just wanted to let him know. That I missed him.

I wish I could be stronger and just forgive and forget all the heartbreak. But I don't think I can. Maybe I'm selfish too. I just want you to suffer and feel bad for what you put me through, and I want you to feel bad for what you did. It wasn't very nice, and I've said over and over again, that it was outright selfish of you to put me through what you did the last 2 months. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you, and if I can't forgive you, then its probably not a good idea for us to be friends anymore. We never started out with being just friends, so it was very silly and selfish of you to ask me to go back to being something we never knew how to be in the first place.

I wish this was goodbye, but I have a feeling I will probably have a weak spell and message you again.

Should I just be Frank?

Or Henry, or George, or Johnny....

My most recent attempt at humor......*weak smile*
The drama of a girl with a indecisive heart. First I don't like him, then I like him, then I'm not sure, then I like him a lot, then I hate him, then I miss him, then I hate him, then I miss him so much I think I might love him. I'm sure the last one is just me being dramatic. If I wanted to I could go and Google How do you know if you love someone, and see if that fits. But, at this point in time, I think that is the very last thing I should be doing. I'm sure its just my heart playing tricks on me, and my attachement to Dave that's making me feel this way. I did think at one point in time that we could get married. So, I guess it would be only natural to feel more attached to him than anyone else I've ever dated. I thought life with him was interesting and I felt cared for. When I look at the good side anyways. I always forget to look at the things I ignored because I was so blinded by happiness. I feel like I could be that person who refuses to give up, and keeps trying and trying and refusing to let go because I believe.
And then I think, no this is just the disorder talking, making me me unable to see both sides. Unable to let go and move on. Unable to adjust to the loss. Making me think of only the things that made me happy, becuase that's all that mattered. And making me forget about all the times he made me sad, and gave up so easily. Making me put all his good qualities before his equally as many bad qualities.
I tried to erase you from my picture, just like I originally had sketched you in. I wanted to get you out and as far away from me as possible, so I could be the me that was happy before I met you. I want to forget you. But then, it gets hard again when something trips. An old memory, friends mentioning your name or your friends. It makes me think of every possible situation and outcome. Why I wasn't asked, who's been talking, what if they said that, or thought this. Maybe she said something, maybe she heard something. So many possibilites, and I can't think that maybe none of them happened. Maybe nobody cares, and it all just boils down to a simiple thing. Everyone just wants to have fun with their friends.
I know I need to stop over-thinking things. That maybe thats one of the many reasons why this relationship failed. I wonder if Dave's friends think about me, or think that Dave made the wrong choice. I wonder, and I shouldn't because its trivial, and it shouldn't matter. I shoud be thinking about how to get better and become stronger. Not wondering and worrying about what people that shouldn't matter to me are thinking. If they really were saying horrible things about you, then I don't need them as friends, right?
Anyways, back on topic. My question is really asking myself if I should just honestly tell Dave that I miss him. He always asked me how I was doing, and I would always give an open ended answer. And now I think I should just flat out tell him. I miss you. I don't want to, and I try not to but I do. But I think the first thing I need to do is forgive you. On random days I still get mad at you and start crying and calling you poo-head. I do it to convince myself to stop crying over you because your not worth it. But deep down, I think I still miss you. You weren't a great boyfriend, and maybe this is the disorder talking, but I feel like I miss you. And maybe I should let you know? A while ago I asked you if it made you uncomfortable when I said I missed you. Without hesitating you said 'No'. No because it was only natural. I only told you once that I missed you, and that was a few days right after we broke up. Then I never said it again because I didn't want to seem like the weak one. But not saying it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. So thats why I think, that the next time you ask me how I'm doing. I will tell you. Because you shouldn't ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer for.
I hope I'll be okay.

I miss you :(

I'm such a high school girl.
I can't remember what you look like anymore but I still miss you. The thing that would make me the happiest is being able to wake up and lie in bed next to you. Just for a little bit. I'm so silly for still missing you. For not being able to move on and move past you yet. For being scared when other guys show interest in me. I want to see you, and I want to hear you say that you miss me too. I'm so silly. You'll ask me how I'm doing, but I'm too scared to answer you back. To scared because I know I over think things, and I automatically assume that you messaging me, means you miss me. Because what I do when I miss you. I keep hoping I will have a fairytale ending and you will look for me. And that I can't completely convince myself that its over. That we are over. I don't think about how you gave up on me. How you ignored me, instead of told me what was on your mind. How I fought for us, but you didn't even try. How you just kept me around as someone to have sex with. I say this to myself everytime I start to miss you and I feel like crying. And it works for a bit, but a tiny while later my heart will ache again. I read so many articles on how to deal with a broken heart, and I see how others feel and go through exactly what I'm going through, and I just wish I could be Black or White. Not inbetween. Not hating you and wanting you at the same time. I want you in my life so much, or not at all. Not even a friend. I haven't talked or seen Dave since my last post. 26 days. It seemed so long, but it wasn't really. Day 7. Day 12. Day 20. I felt stronger and stronger every day. And then slowly I started to think about you and miss you all over again. Wondering if you were happy. Wondering if you thought about me. But I didn't want to ask you, because I didn't want to hear the answer. I want to move away from here. Far away from everything and everyone and every place that reminds me of you. Away from my friends and family to be a strong person again. I miss you very much. And I wish I didn't. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I accepted you for who you were, and I tried to help you work on your faults, but I never got mad if you failed or got distracted. I wanted you to do the same for me. To be my equal and help me stand when I needed help. I didn't want you to pity me, I wanted you to understand me. I told you all my weaknesses and fears so that you could be there for me when I felt scared. But you didn't do that for me. Even though I supported everything you did. You never did the same for me. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, even if it hurt. It wouldve made me feel better because it meant you saw us together in the future.
I miss you. And I wish I didnt.

Feeling like myself

Today was the first day where I felt like I was going to be okay. That I felt I was able to go an hour without thinking of him. Today I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it.
12 days ago I saw Dave. And 12 days ago I told myself it would be the last time I would see him. And that I couldn't just be his friend. I told myself that many many times, but I couldn't convince myself to let him go. I was hoping that he would say something to me, and I would get the benefit of telling him this. But he didn't. So I just said goodbye in my heart. I miss him very much, but everyday that goes by I feel stronger and stronger. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and see him as just a silly boy that doesn't hurt me anymore.
I think maybe I won't see the therapist next week too. It helped being told that I had depression, but I dont feel llike she's giving me enough to work with. Teaching me things to do when I'm slumping. I find I'm just doing things on my own that make me feel better. Small simple things that make me feel pretty and happy and make me feel like a different person. Parting my bangs to the other side, wearing different colors, wearing my barrette on a different side, new glasses.... Its small material changes but it makes me feel new. And I can put the old weaker me behind. I even went to the studio and spruced it up a bit, and made a few aprons. It could've been that I've just been interacting with more people this week, but I feel less sad. And that I'm not thinking of sad things as much anymore..... That and I've been thinking of moving somewhere lately. Not sure if its just on a whim, but I really want to do something that will make me feel strong and independant again. Back to NY, or maybe Vancouver.... or maybe just a long trip to Europe..... Something different that will make me happy memories.......

I just miss the idea of you

1. I miss having someone to spend my weekends with
2. I miss his/her sense of humor/laugh
3. I miss knowing that I have someone out there who cares about me
4. I miss his/her sweet text messages/love notes/phone calls/etc.
5. I miss having love/affection/sex
6. I miss his/her scent
7. I miss always having someone to talk to when something good/bad happens
8. I miss his/her style
9. I miss being treated to dinner/getting gifts
10. I miss his/her drive/motivation

If you checked off mostly even numbers, than it seems you truly do miss your ex-companion. If you checked off mostly odd numbers, it’s the absence of the companionship that has you hurting.

I did this survey about 2 months ago and I tried to convince myself that I said yes to all 10 questions. I looked at it again last night and I really only said yes to the odd #s and I had to think really hard for the even #s. Maybe I do only miss the idea of you. I told myself that before too. That I never really loved you and maybe just loved the idea of you. I thought you made me happy but really I was only happy around you because you were someone to be around. Just like how I can be happy at work because there are people to be around.  The biggest clue that I don't actually miss Dave is the thing I've been saying every day to myself is I feel lonely. Not I miss him. Maybe the part where I can't look at him or cheer up when I see him is my own psyche playing tricks on me. So help me forget about you. Help me see the faults that you had. Because I know you had them, I just ignored them....

Dave never really had a sense of humor, I can't remember a time where he really made me laugh.
He never really sent me sweet texts or called me or stopped by just because. Not unless I asked him to. I did that a lot for him
He never really wore cologne often, and the one he didn't wasn't amazing either. He always smelled like his deoderant which smelled like ointment, but it wasn't gross......
Well. I do miss his old sense of style. When he wore dress shirts and ties. The guys at work remind me of him because they dress well, and when Dave had to he dressed well too.....
Dave had no motivation.
He changed his mind very easily.
Do you remember that thing about how you can judge how a man will treat you by how he treats his favorite pair of jeans? If he has one pair that he's held on to for the longest time or if he tosses them out as soon as a new trend comes along? He was kind of the latter. Always buying new phones not able to have a favorite something.
I never really felt special to him..... He never did things that made me knew he cared for me or knew me or understood me.
The silly presents he would get for me.
He was there physically a lot, but not very mentally. When I felt sad or cried or was upset, he would say things that didn't really make me feel better.
He made me feel bad for things I shouldn't feel bad about, but he never once felt bad for things he's said to me.
He wasn't tall...... or in the greatest shape.
He wasn't a good homeowner, and even his roomate said that, someone who's known him for 3/4 of his life.
He would tell me his family meant a lot to him, but if I think about it he never did much to help them out. (Like work harder to get out of debt and pay off his parents' mortgage like he said)
He had horrible eating, sleeping, health, hygiene habits.
Make a mix tape just for me & Make sure I go to the therapist. - The only 2 things I really wanted from him and he never did.

See, he has a lot of faults. You wrote this list out yourself, so you can see the reasons why he's not good for you. Maybe he does realize and maybe he doesn't. And even if he does realize, what will/can he do about it and will it stay that way? You know him more than he knows himself sometimes, and the answer, unfortunately, is a most definate No.

The Day After Yesterday

I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.

instruction manual

Has anyone else ever wished there was an instruction manual to life? That at the hardest, toughest times in life you could take a peek and it would tell you what to do to get back on track?
That or wish they were a mind reader. I'm so broken right now! I feel tired all the time, when I wake up, and I don't want to do anything after work. 5-10pm is so short, but so long at the same time. I wish I could just lie in bed and sleep and not have to think and wonder constantly. I wonder what Dave is thinking, what he's doing and if he regrets his decision. I want to tell him I miss him, and I want to ask if he misses me. But I don't want to hear the answer because if its not what I want to hear I think I will break even more. So many times I've said to myself I need to get him out of my life completely, and I'm so stubborn. I don't want him to leave, but I think I know as long as he's here and keeps messaging me, my heart will never let him go. Everything reminds me of him. I think everything I see and hear relates to him and I. And I think I just need to forget he ever existed. It makes me so temporarily happy when he messages me. So happy that I'm scared to message him back, because I don't want to feel that pain of when he doesn't message me back. It hurts so very much. That the one person who is capable of making me feel okay, is the same person that can shatter me to pieces. I want to find my energy and happiness, and myself again, I want to but its so odd. It feels like I'm being pulled down by an invisible net that I want to get up, but I just can't. Like I can't open my eyes  fully or think of things to say. That everything is just blank.

step 1

I tried to call the therapists office to set up an appointment yesterday.
I only got the answering machine, but I did leave a message. I just hope someone will call me back soon. I need help, and I really need it soon. I'm crying constantly, and feeling sad all the time. I feel alone and abandoned and that there is always something else more important than me. That nobody believes in me. I asked Dave the first time it had been suggested I go see a therapist, to make sure I go. "Please make sure I go, I don't want it to get worse again." Please, I asked him. And he never did make sure I went. And I just feel so sad because I knew he didn't care about me. I just want to feel that I matter to someone, that I'm on someone's list of people that are important to them. Everything I look at is grey. It seems like there are no colors any more, and drawing and sewing, and anything doesn't seem interesting or fun anymore.

not getting better.....

.... which means I'm getting worse.
Almost 3 months since Dave and I broke up and I still feel so sad. Not just because of the break up, but also because of how lonely I feel. I physically feel like I have no one. I come home to an empty house, and I am sad. I text friends when I am lonely and they don't seem to understand how depressed I feel. That nothing makes me smile or laugh. That I want to get out of the house, but I don't know how. I'm crying randomly every 2nd day or so and I don't really know why. I haven't started cutting myself again which is good, but I do think about dying at least once a day and how it would be easier than waking up sad every morning. A lot has happened since my last post, and nothing has happened. I turned 27. I saw Dave. I saw Dave's friends. There's a lot that goes through my mind every day. How I still miss him and wonder what he is doing. If he is happy and/or if he regrets his decision. It helped a lot that I blocked his updates from my feed so I don't see what he is doing anymore (which reminds me I should block Daisy too). I haven't come to an conclusion yet, but I have a lot of speculations. I wonder how Dave broke it to his friends and what they thought when he told them. I'm sure many of his friends thought we were awesome together, and some of them thought we would get married. Especially because we got along well. So, I think that it must've come as a surprise and I wonder what they thought about. If any of them wanted to say, 'what the fuck are you thinking, Corinna supported you, came to everything that was important to you, and only complained about not having enough time together. You're not getting younger, and you're chasing pipe dreams instead of focusing on whats in front of you, why are you giving up on someone who cares so much about you?!' Originally I assumed his friends were all just ignoring me, but after I went to see everyone on Big Dave's birthday, I re-wondered about that too. Big Dave gave me a big hug and said he missed me and told me to smile. (I guess he knew I was still really sad). I left pretty early because I just kept getting sadder and sadder there, so I didn't say bye to everyone. That resulted in Levar messaging me the next day asking how I was doing. I was a bit confused by this because I didn't know if he was trying to snoop, or whatnot. Daisy never said a single word to me that night, and I will never know if she deliberately did that, or just didn't see me. Of all Dave's friends, Daisy was also the only person who never wished me HBD. Anyways, yeah, Levar asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing the same, and he told me to elaborate. I said I didn't want to, and he told me not to worry because our conversation would be confidential. I didn't know if that was the truth or not, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it because it would make me feel sad again, and he said it was okay, and that he didn't want to make me sad. And then he told me to take care of myself because I was a good person..... So, that and hearing that Big Dave said he missed me too, made me feel a bit better the next few days following. I knew then that they knew I was a good person and that it wasn't anything I did to cause the break-up, that it surprised them as much as it surprised me and that it was purely Dave being stupid Dave. Well, I guess I dont truly know, but just speculate. But even Nomin thinks so too. She tells me lots too, that what Dave did was a very selfish thing, and if he doesn't eventually regret it, then he will forever be a bum-hole. And another thing that we agreed upon is how much drama Daisy causes. David told me he never wanted to date Daisy but I dont think I believed him. I think he wanted to date her, but she didn't want to date him. And it does hurt that he valued her opinion more than mine, and had tons of pictures of him and her together, but maybe 2 of him and I. And I thought about all the people that can't hang out with Dave anymore just because of Daisy. Tony, Travis, Brendan, Me.... theres all one thing in common, that we all used to be good friends with everyone but Daisy led to us being kicked out/we don't want to hang out with Dave's friends anymore because of Daisy. The next thing that can happen that will prove this point is if Daisy and Levar break up. And if Levar gets kicked out of his circle of friends, then I'm hoping some eyes will be opened..... But regardless, Daisy has Dave wrapped around her finger, I dont think he will ever see any fault in her and what she does to his friends.
But even so, I still feel so lonely without him. Lots of things still remind me of him, and I still look at my phone ever day hoping to see a message from him. He gave me a hug too on Big Dave's birthday and sent me a few messages after to say he was really glad I came out and that it was good to see me. He stopped by my place too on my birthday (at my request) and got me the Chewie plush that I asked for in August because it reminded me of Lika. I haven't really talked to him since my birthday but I do feel he listened to me a bit more than usual. (ie, he asked if I went to see the therapist, saw that i started reading the book he gave me, asked if I took the job offer, bought me something I asked for months ago....) and his voice didn't sound so cold the last time I talked to him too..... So I guess maybe he does feel bad.... But regardless I shouldn't be caring about that crap. I have stopped blaming myself for this break-up though I think. I'm not trying to figure out what I did wrong anymore, and I'm telling myself it was Dave's selfish-ness. It helps a lot too that other friends are telling me this too so I know its not just my imagination. That lots of people tell me I am a good person, and I can extrapolate from that that that means Dave was the bad person and he was the one that caused the problem.......I just hope. With all my heart. That Dave realizes how very sad he made me feel because of his selfishness. That he thinks about it every day and that everything reminds him of me and how much of a coward he is.

Slow. Painful. Torture.

Waiting is torture I tell you.
I miss Dave. or at least I'm pretty sure I miss him. I'm constantly clutching my phone hoping to see him message me. And I stay off Facebook so I won't see his status updates and see that hes doing awesome and better without me. Next time I feel a slump coming on I need to pinpoint what I think about and decipher if its exactly Dave I miss, or if I just miss the company. I feel so silly because I'm pretty sure I'm waiting for him to come around...... and the big problem with that is 'What if He Doesn't Come Around'? And even then, the thing I want the most is for Dave to say 'I Miss You Too'. But then what? Think of everything thats happened and the way he's treated you, and they way his friends treated you. Would I just act like nothing happened and everything is okay? No, I probably wouldn't be able to let it go. How Daisy ignored me and how his friends ignored me. And how much pain Dave put me through. I don't even know if I can be friends anymore. Because if Dave is still in my life I think I will still miss him. And I don't want my heart to feel this pain forever. Dave's messaged me a few times last week and I didn't reply back. When I saw his text's it made me feel like he missed me. But I didn't want to find out he didn't, so I just ignored them. I want to talk to him and see him, but I know thats the last thing I should do. Really I need distance from him. So I can forget about how happy he made me. I need to realize though, that I was a good girlfriend. I did lots for him, and took care of him, and tried to help him save. If Dave doesn't feel like an asshole for doing what he did to me, then he is an asshole. The fact that he and his friends were able to forget me so quickly and not feel bad after breaking up, then he wasn't the one. And thats what I don't need. And if Dave does realize what he did to me was horriible, then maybe I'll be okay. So, just like Cathy, I'll be better off either way.
Now believe it C.

stop

just stop.


http://www.ehow.com/how_4746451_missing-someone-that-meant-lot.html

Dear Chrisssssss

I'm writing this to tell you how much of a looooooser you are.

No, actually I'm not. Only people I know have the tendancy to know where that line is from. Ai-yah, writing so much in here lately. Still missing poo-head, but not to the point that its painful. Day-tight Compartments, ey?
So, I went to the studio yesterday to prep for the surprise Block Party on Friday. Gabby was there, and she asked how Dave and I were doing. And, I know if I could record myself speaking and play it back a week later I would feel so silly! Just because I know my heart still misses him and the way I'm saying things like I still don't want to mess anything up :S One good thing though, Gabby and Halabi all agree that I'm missing "closure". And that it's semi normal to have gone through all that doubting and second guessing, and wondering what i did wrong. *SIGH*
And the 2nd thing that came up that I realized. Gabby asked me what I thought of Daisy. And I didn't know how to answer her. I said I guess she intimidated me. And Gabby said, 'Hell yeah, anybody would be'. You're boyfriends best friend is a girl! And I think maybe I never did believe Dave when he said he and Daisy never wanted to date. Father was right, comparing yourself to someone is a lose-lose situation. Maybe I compared myself to Daisy and felt insecure because I wasn't anything like her, and yet Dave got along so well with her and valued her opinion. A LOT. They had the same hobbies, the same interests, and she was so much more confident. It would almost be like that time Dave got upset at me because he thought I valued Brendan's advice more than his. The only difference was I only saw Brendan maybe once every few months. Dave saw Daisy every week and he went out of his way to see her for lunch. Ah, I was so jealous that they had so much in common :( I got along easily with Dave's male friends, but Daisy I was always so nervous around. And it made it that much worse when she ignored my message to her, because it just hammered in the thought that she never truly accepted me as a friend, and just as a chapter in Dave's life....SO DEEP.

Anyhow, I figure I'm still analyzing every tiny detail because deep deep down, I still miss the poo-head. Did I miss Michael this much when we broke up? I can't remember :( I know it hasn't even been 2 months, and I'm not crazy obsessing anymore, but I still miss having someone to hang out with and relax around, and do life things with. :(

Do you hear that you poo face? I Miss You !!

2 posts in a day :S

Ergh,

More stuff to get off my chest. I went on FACEBOOK :( :( :(
Okay, so here is proof, that facebook is what is causing me to trip. I saw Dave and all of Dave' friends comment and like Tara's photo and I got jealous. I found out that Joald invited Ling, Tara and Jamie to his birthday but not me, and that made me feel bad too. :S :S
Okay Corinna stay calm. Stay calm. Joald, found out you're not dating Dave anymore and didn't want to make it akward. I mean, after all, Tara didn't invite Dave to her housewarming but invited everyone else, so the opposite is normal. Don't be jealous, don't be jealous. I'm Dave's ex, so yeah it would be rude to invite me. I'm not a friend, I'm Dave's ex-girlfriend. I want to stay friends, but everyone see's me as his ex, and I guess thats what normal friends would do. Tara is Andrew's gf so its okay for Joald to invite her. I'm just a bit bummed because without me, those guys wouldn't even have met Tara or Jamie or Ling. So i guess it feels super shitty, that I was the middle that brought everyone together, and now I got kicked out like I'm nobody. When without me, they never would've met in the first place. Uuuuuuuugh.

Everyone commented on Tara's photo because you haven't been posting anything in awhile. So they don't have anything to comment on. And if it just turns out Dave's friends are assholes, then you have nothing to lose. If they really thought you were their friend they would've replied to you when you announced your world had shattered. Not ignored you. At least Brendan did. I know its complicated. In the end they are Dave's friends first. How and why would Dave's friends want to be friends with you? You're his ex. It is weird to be friends with you're friends ex. I mean, Tara doesn't call Dave to hang out right? How akward would it be if you showed up and Dave was there. Dave's friends don't know if we're still talking or not, so yeah, its natural to not invite me. But its not cool if it feels like they are stealing my friends from me. They are my friends first after all. I might have to talk to my friends about that too, because I dont think they know how much it hurts that they go and I can't.
Another thing too. Tara is just replacing you in the UN. It sucks, but I think they'll see the difference between her and I. We're quite similar but not the same, I think I have a bigger heart and was a better, more equal girlfriend. I was very happy to be around Dave's friends, and when we went out to clubs I didn't like, I just thought it was exciting, not boring. I never complained about Dave or his friends, or was cheap. I just wanted to be equal, and I dont think thats what Tara wants.
Am I thinking too much? I probably am. You are the only one that is being bitter. Think from Dave's POV. He's talking to me, and trying to stay friends with me and my friends, his friends are still friends with my friends, and my friends are still friends with his friends. Its just me thats not talking to anyone. I did comment on Levar's link and Levar liked that. It's just me thinking too much ! Dave hasn't been putting up super emo comments on FB, and thats probably why none of his friends are "talking to you". You haven't been commenting on any of Dave's status' but he's commented on a few of yours. You're bringing this loneliness on yourself. So be like Dave, talk and comment and like, show everyone that you 2 are okay, and are still friends. And if that doesn't change anything, then you'll know everyones true colors.

Being a Scientist

So, I guess sometimes I am a decently logical person....

Everything I've been reading these last few weeks about how to better myself, how to get over a break-up, I've actually already been doing! It definately makes me feel better knowing that I've been on the right path. Sometimes I'm such a nerd, needing to get acknowledgement from a textbook before knowing its the right thing to do. It is somewhat funny too (and sad) that I googled "How to get over a break-up" and so many hits came up. What doesn't the internet have a solution for?!
But yah, anyways, I've been reading that book on Worry Dave gave me and theres a lot of things I already did to block out stress and worry. For example, whenever I would start to doubt what I did, or think about something unhappy that already happened, I would say "STOP" and immediately think of something else. Because I started to realize it was no use thinking about something that already happened and that I couldn't change. (I even recall trying to tell Dave that sometimes too, but it didn't seem to work! How funny :) What I do need to work on though, is having that same gung-ho about the future. Don't worry so much about it, and try and work on Just Today. That and Dave actually did try some of the techniques on me too, I remember. When I had that mad spell from not getting the receptionist job at KW he asked me "What is the worst that can happen". And that is directly from the book. I gave him an answer that he didn't expect though. Ha-ha, I'm such a pessimist :( Anyways, I hope I can learn a lot from that book, and even just the first 50 pages kinda gave me a kick start. So its just nothing but sunshine from here right?

I do find it funny the process I'm going through to get through this break up. I kinda went through all my old posts about post break-up with Michael, and I'm trying to skip that whole year of being sad, and just skipping straight to the steps I did after I had gotten over him. For example, I'm definately not over Dave yet, but I re-registered fro PoF immediately. I'm not ready to start looking again, but I'm making all the attempts just so I can feel better. It's hard trying to convince your heart about something you're mind knows is best for you. And maybe one of the reasons ol' heartsy isn't believing is because Michael regretted breaking up with me 1 year later. And I keep on thinking that is what will happen to Dave. So I guess maybe thats why I'm not willing to bash him yet, and start ignoring him like I did Michael. Because I know once I cross that bridge there's probably no going back. (Although I guess that is what Mariam did about Nizar and everything worked out for them.....) So, I guess having said that...... here is the post where I cross the bridge, and make the list of things I didn't like about Dave, and things I did good. I'm doing this because its what I did after I got over  Michael, and I'm doing this so I can move on, and have something to look at if I feel the urge to talk to Dave again.

So here goes.....Dave was alway nice to me and there for me physically...

But he was never there for me emotionally, and I guess we didn't connect on that level.
When I first met him, I didn't want to date Dave, because he never took my problems seriously.
And he never did take my emotional problems seriously, and just said things that would fix them at the time, but would never bring it up again.
He procrastinated a lot. And said things that he never ended up doing.
He was pretty messy and lazy.
He chose his job(s) over me.
He wasn't in a good financial situation, but never did anything about it.
He was overweight, and said he would work on it, but I never saw serious effort.
Even Big Dave complained he was a bad roomate, and he said he wouldn't want to live with Dave again.
Dave never really tried to fix our relationship. He just gave up. Yup. I can tell because he stopped trying to have conversations with me and just gave 1-2 word answers near the end.
He never did listen to my advice (until now), which I don't even think he realizes is because of me.
He bought me a Bullet Blender for Valentines Day.
His friends were pretty cool......if they considered you their friend.
They cut me out and ignore me because I am no longer seeing Dave anymore and therefore not their friend.
But they think its still okay to invite my friends out and not me, although the opposite would have completely pissed Dave off.
Dave held me back too.
Dave never really did thoughtful things for me, but I did so many for him.
He never really knew me.
He started smoking in front of me.
We started to look like a ragged couple the last time we went to an event as a couple (Yzabella's B-day).
He may have kept me around just for sex the last 2 months.
He had bad dental hygiene, and huge pores, and weird skin blotches.
I never liked the cologne he used.
He snoring was HORRIBLE!
Dave only came out to some of the things that were important too me. Like Dimsum and dinners, friends parties, etc etc.
He was too busy working
I put off a lot of things for him.
He never used his C-pap machine when it was hazardous to his health not to.
He, himself never took Amway seriously, and always calls the meetings "an Amway Thing"
He had a bad memory, and wouldn't remember advice he gave himself.
In the year we dated, I changed and grew, but it seems like he is still in the same spot.
When I first met him, he said he was going to quit Telus soon, but its been 1+ year and he is still there.
He never actually owned his own stuff, and would constantly borrow from people.
He never speaks up about things that bother him and just lets it eat away.
People take advantage of him easily (even me)
We never did said 'I love you', which probably meant we knew all the time we weren't right for each other.
Like most guys, he was probably scared of commitment.
He's 32 has nothing saved up, and chose to go it alone.

I'm also supposed to write a list of 10 things I did good..... but Im going to gloat becuase I need to realize I was awesome.

I was very good to Dave.
I may have been boring, but I never brought any drama, and tried to be mindful of Dave's wishes...
I brought him countless homemade lunches.
I would visit him and bring him surprises at work and home.
I planned romantic,relaxing dinners.
I taught Lika to dance.
I took care of him post-knee surgery and visited almost every day.
I thought (too much) of things he would like, and would want to do or try.
I never said no when he wanted to have sex (I wanted it too though :)
His friends honestly thought I was neat (and thought we would get married !)
I was always worried about embarrassing Dave (pro and a con)
I went to all his shows and supported everything he did.
Anytime he asked me to go somewhere or do something (minus Vegas) I never said no and always went.
I gave him advice which he admitted was helpful, although he never could keep doing it.
I asked if he wanted to move in with me mostly because I wanted to help him financially, not all because I wanted him to commit.
I paid close attention to the words he used, and could actually read him very well. (ie. I knew he wasn't serious about trying to work things out, because of the way he answered me).

And here are some lessons this relationship taught me

There were a lot of things I wanted to do (for myself), but I only wanted to do them with Dave, and since Dave was so busy I never did do those things.
I put aside a lot of my friends and forgot about them because of how infatuated I was with Dave.
I need to be careful in future relationships and balance boyfriend and friends equally.
Becareful of becoming so close, that all I start doing is complain whenever I'm around them.
Dave was attracted to me in the beginning because I was confident.
I lost confidence somewhere down the road because I started doubting my abilities to keep Dave happy. And thats when Dave stopped seeming me as beautiful.
So stay confident always and you will be beautiful all the time.

And finally, I'm not trying to sound conceited but I need to realise. I am a good girlfriend.
Either Dave will never realize I was good for him, or he will realize and it'll be too late

So let go.

Regressing

I swear I feel like I'm on an rollercoaster!

Last Monday I woke up and JUMPED outta bed. I was singing and dancing and smiling. I'M CURED !!! I proclaimed. And then I slowly lost that pep. On Friday I saw a stupid message from the UN on Facebook and it felt like I tripped and fell back into last month. Daisy sent a message telling everyone Crystal Method was coming to Edmonton, and I felt so much hurt all over again. Dave told me he had met me for the first time while trying to buy tickets for Crystal Method at Kingsway. I didn't even want to but just that simple name made me want to ball up again. It just made me think about the first time we met and how everything changed and grew and died. :( I was so upset at myself because I started crying at the dinner table right in front of my parents and I could't stop! It was so frustrating not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad again and so mad because I couldn't control it. Pretty much everybody asked me what was wrong (obviously) and all I could say was "I miss Dave". And I just felt so silly !! I was doing fine, no, I was doing awesome and then what the hell happened. Baaaah. So anyways, I ended up staying with my parents and went to bed early. The next morning I went shopping with my mom, and I tried to cheer up a bit and it kinda worked. Trying to find other things that make me happy made other people happy too.

I'm pretty sure I need to get more distance between us too. (Duh!) Facebook is really killing this attempt. Ha-ha, so weak. But yeah, I'm trying not to go on FB for a few days since that will reduce temptation to stalk Dave and see what he's doing. I deleted all our previous messages too so hopefully that will help. *sigh* I just find when I feel like I'm slumping again the first thing I want to do is see Dave or read our old conversations to feel better. And thats not really helping because all it does is make me go back to somewhere I shouldn't be! So ironic that talking about Dave makes me feel better, and at the same time its what makes me start crying too :( What did make me unexpectedly feel better is that Tara told me she creeps Josh's FB page too !! Hahaha I felt so happy knowing that what I was doing was normal. Josh was a jerk to Tara and she still misses him too. So, I guess it was good to see that I wasn't going completely insane......Then on Saturday I went out with Nomin and Brendan and Tony and Travis too. All seemed fine, and then on the dance floor my eyes started watering again and the same thing happened from Friday. So frustrating how everything reminds me of him and I can't do anything about it. Nomin started telling me to be happy, be happy, be happy and smile and that just made me start bawling again because its not even like I'm not trying. I'm trying hard and thats why I start crying, I think, because I'm trying to smile and be happy, and forgoet and its not working. Not yet anyways. And then I threw up on the street. And then I threw up in front of my door on the carpet. Hahah yeah. I haven't thrown up in about 10 years. So that was a fun night.

I feel so so so silly sometimes when I hear from Dave w/o me having to bug him. It's the whole Super Crush scenario all over again. It takes all my might to leave Dave alone for the day. Then the next, then the next and finally its a week since I've talked to him, and 2 days since I've creeped his FB page. I start to go through withdrawl and I kinda lose energy and mope. And then low and behold Dave sends me a text !! My heart shoots into my throat and I pulse with energy. I read and re-read and re-read. "MAYBE HE MISSES ME ?!!" "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?!!" And I get all scatter brained again trying to 'decipher' what this message could mean, when I really should be getting distance because its just Dave trying to be friends. And I'm not at that stage yet...... So yeah, Dave did message me after a week of me rollercoasting and trying to get space. I saw his name and my heart raced. He asked me to a movie! .....Oh no wait, he asked my friends and I to a movie with his friends and him. Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much. Just stop and think clearly. Dave didn't chase you when you ran out of his car crying. Dave was unhappy with you for 2 months and he would never want to go back to that. Dave has lots of things to keep him busy that make him happier than you. Dave hasn't said he misses you. So just like how Brendan used to message you out of the blue and it meant nothing, Dave messaging you out of the blue doensn't mean anything either. I know this won't sink in until I've accepted it, and thats the only thing thats stopping me from healing, and all these entries are just me trying to persuade myself Dave doesn't care for me anymore. But, until my heart and mind believe that, I'm just gonna have to keep on keep on persuading. Take off the glasses Corinna !!

On another tangent.....Dave gave me a book awhile ago and I finally listened and started to read it after the last time I saw him. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." I somewhat started reading it for Dave, and I guess I started reading it for myself too. Because, maybe this is the reason Dave left, and even if it isn't I'm getting something out of it regardless. Reach for the moon and if you miss you'll land among the stars, right? It is interesting in some parts, mostly about the things they teach you to do. So yeah, I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future, don't think about the past, and live in day-tight compartments. Something else interesting I find is, I already sometimes do a lot of the things they tell you to do in the book. I just always doubted whether or not that was the proper way of dealing with stress and worry or not. So I guess I always was on the right path!! I do want to ask Dave, though, why he bought that book, and if worry is/was a major problem in his life too. I never imagined that he had things to worry about, or at least it certainly never seemed that way. But he must've bought this book for a reason. And I suppose I do recall Dave saying how he used to be so depressed about his financial situation all he knew to do was sleep, and snowboard to escape from his problems.....

*Sigh*. I miss Dave. And as much as I say talking to him and hearing his voice makes me happy..... its not the right happy I need. I need to be doing things that make me genuinely happy. Drawing, even designing. Playing Mario and Wii. Shopping. Swimming. Spending time with my family, Felix, Terence, Jess, Mom & Dad. Seeing my friends. Iris, Ling, Tara, Jamie. Talking to other people. Aditi, Steph, Maya, Mariam, Ashley. And going out with fun people. Nomin, Brendan, Travis and Tony. Look at all the people you named, Corinna. You feel alone, but your not. Just open your eyes okay.

Road to Recovery

Hi again,

I'm pretty sure I am clincally insane. Or have multiple personalities. Or something. I went from blaming Dave and wanting Dave to admit he was wrong, to convincing myself it was all my fault. If that isn't crazy I don't know what is...... *sigh* I guess, the only plus side to this is I'm feeling better...... I just hope Dave doesn't think I'm crazy :S. I just couldn't stop messaging him yesterday. Fuuuuuuuck. I wanted him to know I felt bad because I realized how much I made him feel like shit. I know it won't fix anything, but I did want him to know he was a good boyfriend, and I was okay too. Man, look how much this entry had completely changed perspectives D:
The reason this happened all started after I wrote that last entry on Saturday. Mid-way through I had an epiphany or something. And I felt like I had sidestepped to the left or something and was seeing our relationship from a different angle. That all I was doing was making everything about me, and putting down Dave whenever he told me about something that made him happy. The first time he went to EDC and I told him I didn't like seeing him drunk like that, when he told me about Amway and all I could say were bad things about it. Ai-yai-yai! I felt really bad, but a few hours later while walking home was able to finally pinpoint something.
I never made Dave as happy as he made me.
And to some extent that was what Dave tried to tell me
"I wasn't feeling as happy or fulfilled anymore," is what he managed.
It was pretty eye opening. I kept saying, kept saying, kept saying how happy I was with Dave, how I loved the way he made me feel, how he did everything I asked for..... and then I realized, I was happy, but Dave wasn't. Dave made me happy but I stopped making him happy. And that everything I was saying was about me, and what I wanted. And that I never stopped to look and see how Dave felt. And not just that, but I was bringing him down whenever soemthing made him happy. Uuuuuugh, it makes me feel like poo to see how blind I was :( .....BUT! I also felt not so bad because now I had something to work on. Now I see why our relationship failed. And I had something to fix. I'm not just blindly trying to fix everything that I thought could've been the problem anymore. AND I want to fix this so I can be a better person......
So.... I guess now I'm on the road to recovery. Today I feel really good. Well.... I feel good minus the fact that my heart is still missing Dave. But Dave did message me back just now, so he's not ignoring me and doesn't think I'm crazy. Things are funny and have color again and I'm starting to want to do things with other people again :) And I'm using what I learned as fuel. Fuel to get back to my happy-go-lucky, carefree, smiling, laughing, playful self. To turn into an even better version of the girl that Dave (and all my crushers) have fallen for. So maybe (just maybe) Dave will fall for that same girl again. And even if he doesn't, that same happy girl will probably attract someone else just as great.
But until then, Miss you lots Dave !

1 month later

Hi sports fans,

So its been a month since Dave and  I broke up. One veeeeeeeeeeery long month. I couldn't tell if I was more upset, sad, or mad half the time. Every day I would wake up in a cold sweat and a pounding heart. I felt like I was having panic attacks every morning. I thought this new job was gonna solve all my problems. And after we broke up I felt like taking that job had ruined my life. I stopped having time to spend with you, and we drifted apart. I stopped wanting to go to the studio. And I felt like in losing you I lost everything. I lost a best friend. Someone who made me so happy. And thats all that I can think about is that I only knew how to be happy around you, so now that your not here, I don't remember how to be happy anymore. You let me come see you yesterday and I looked forward to that a lot. I got dressed up, put on new clothes and a new bag. Just so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of you. I'm not trying to write this entry as a downer. I'm trying to re-state what happened, and I guess what I'm trying to do to get over this break up, and how. I got in Dave's car, and he asked how I was, we caught up a bit on normal stuff and then we went to Garden Bakery. There was so much stuff I wanted to unload on Dave. How what he did was wrong, and how much worse what he did made me feel. How it was selfish of him not to say anything and basically lie to me. How I wanted to call him a coward. But, the moment I heard his voice on the phone I felt it all melt away. That everything I wanted to say didn't matter again. I'm so stupid! The funny thing is I prepared an essay for Dave. It took me at least 2 days and I cut and paste, copied and edited, re-arranged, deleted and entered. I wrote down everything that I felt Dave did wrong. Everything that made my heart hurt. And then I asked Dave if I was crazy. If I was turning into a crazy ex-girlfriend. Who does that? Who writes a paper to read to their ex-boyfriend? And even in the end I never ended up reading it. I took it out, but all the words jumbled together and it was useless. I wish I could realize too, that not everything can be solved by y=x+b formulas. Not everything works out the way I plan. Just like thinking that $5 more an hour was going to make me happy and solve all my problems. Just like I thought I could start planning my life with you. I guess I did lie a bit when I told Dave yesterday I never thought about the future with him. I thought about the possibility that Dave could be in my life. But only because of how happy he made me feel. I don't think I ever felt like I loved Dave, but I loved the way Dave made me feel. But I realize now I relied on you too much. I relied on you and only you to make me happy, to unload all my stress and problems on, thinking you would always be there. That you were the one. And I guess I took you for granted too, just like you took me for granted. Just like how I blamed you for not listening to what I said, I never listened to what you said either. I guess you did somewhat try. You did ask me once "Do you feel like I don't tell you enough?" And I completely ignored you. And I think about it now and wish that I had answered you instead of saying I, I, I, I. One of the things I did notice was that in most of our conversations, now and in the past, I used the word "I" a lot. A LOT. It was always about me, and I never made it about you. And I'm sorry too. I think I tried to change you into what I wanted to be. And I didn't realize you needed just as much help as I did. I told you, that maybe I don't miss you as much as I think I do, and that I just hate being alone. It isn't going to change anything now, but Yes, yes I do feel like you don't tell me enough. But maybe that was my fault that I never let you say what was on your mind. So I guess now,I hope, as soon as I'm strong enough, that I can do for you, what you did for me. And be a pillar to you. That you can call me up to unload on too. And I promise I will learn to listen to you and ask you how you feel, and not tell you how I feel about your problems. So, the next time we see each other, maybe you can be the one to talk and tell stories about yourself and what you are feeling that day.

do you miss me?

That is all I want to know....
No. Maybe thats a lie. I want to know if you miss me, and I want to know that the answer is yes.
I am slowly getting better, but I still miss you. I haven't taken off the rose glasses yet, and have yet to see your flaws. I miss you lots you poo head. Gramma kept asking where you were at lunch today and I finally had to tell her 'we broke up Gramma, please don't ask me anymore' It was kinda painful.
I want to become so happy, you'll be jealous.
But right now thats pretty hard. Haha. I'm working on a new goal, which I'm feeling pretty excited about. I went over to Tara's housewarming party, and I felt bad. Everyone was 5 years younger than me and had houses, cars, boyfriends, husbands, families. And I felt like I had nothing. I lost someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And it makes it worse that I come home everyday to an empty condo. And empty messy condo that I can't invite friends over too because I'm embarassed.
So. I guess my goal for the next little while. I'm gonna renovate the condo. So that I'll want to come home, and be able to have friends over. And show Dave that I'm growing up.

August

August was the month of having long serious talks with everyone. Seriously.
Confirmed, and found out a lot of things from people who I haven't (but should) talked to in a long time.
Everyone's told me I have a bad temper, and to watch my negativity. Haha :|
Something I didn't expect though. My daddy told me, of all his 3 kids, he thinks that I am the strongest one.

I do feel a lot better, and not so empty anymore. But I still feel like a part of my heart is missing. And seeing couples hold hands reminds me a lot of that feeling. But I've definately healed a lot faster than the last break up. Maybe it helps still being able to be friends..... or maybe it makes it worse. I dunno, I think I'm still trying to find the old Corinna who Dave was attracted to first. Doing it for Dave? Maybe, maybe not. I was happy and confident then so maybe I'm doing it for myself too. And doing things that make me happy is helping. Started to draw again. And thats getting exciting. Let's see how much confidence I can gain and maybe I'll attract Dave again, and maybe I'll attract someone even better for me.

Lets Do This.

siiiiiiiiiigh.

I feel better.
Most of the time.
The hardest part is still no doubt waking up in the morning. I miss you the most then. Dreams and nightmares definately don't help either. I'm still in that stage where I wonder constantly what you are doing and miss your silly stupid habits. I definately feel better after talking to you on Friday, and I definately don't feel empty anymore. But I still miss you. I miss you because you made me happy. Mom and Dad told me to keep my head up and I'll find someone better. Someone a little taller and leaner. But I don't think they understood how Happy I was when Dave came to see me. i stopped caring that he was short or overweight. He made me happy. And that is what I valued the most. That I was always happy in our relationship.
Ugh. So, maybe thats why I'm so mixed. I'm trying hard to get over you because eventually I will see why we weren't a match. And at the same time, I still don't want to get over you. I'm waiting for your call. Waiting for a message from you. Waiting for you. I definately don't hurt as much as when I broke up with Michael. Or, I guess no, thats not right. I hurt much much more, during the first week, but I got better quicker. Maybe because I keep on creeping your FB profile, looking at old pictures, etc etc. What will you do if he did call you to say he made a mistake? I'd probably Jump into his Arms.... Hah. But until you're past that stage, let's realize you gotta get better.Try harder to get over Dave, Corinna. TRY. HARDER. He did give up on you. He made you happy, but remember, he said He Wasn't Happy. And thats important too. It's not fair for Dave if he's not feeling it. Just like when Michael wanted to get back together and you wanted no part. Remember how unhappy it made you feel when Michael said he missed you, but you didn't. It made you angry and mad because you didn't want to hear it. Well, Dave probably doesn't want to hear you say that shit either. So dont ! Dave needs to sort his own life out, and he doesn't have time for a relationship. He wants whats best for him right now, and you were no longer in his plan. So, realize it Corinnna. The begininnig of our relationship was amazing because we were excited. Excited because it was different and new. Just like your next relationship will be Corinna. So get better and start the next chapter.
You're paying attention to guys that look twice at you again, thats a start. 
Don't doubt yourself either. Stop Doubting Yourself. Dave's friends did like you, and nothing has changed. Dave never will say anything bad about you. (Unless you do something retarded). So just do what Dave told you and be yourself. Always be yourself. Daisy never thought you were an idiot, or rude. So stop looking for her approval. All this time you were trying to be accepted by Dave's friends, you stopped looking for what Dave wanted and needed.
Next time you see Dave, ask how he is. Ask what he wants, and ask how he feels. But as a friend. A. Friend. Stop telling Dave what to do. He's an adult too, and even if its in his best interest. If he doesn't realize it himself, he won't change. You should know that. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes ME happy. I miss Dave and I still hope we will get back together, but I hoped that for Michael too, and I did get over him. So like I said, start the next chapter.....
Stupid Portmanteau.

first step to healing my heart

Hi.
I'm trying to snap out of this severe loneliness I feel right now, and I guess one of the first things I'm supposed to do is figure out the things that remind me of Dave to think and do something else so that memory doesn't linger. Let's hope tis works:
Facebook. is my main source of spying on Dave without him knowing. I'll look through his pictures, and see how he is doing.
How do I stop. Close the browser right away. Go on Ebay, kijiji, something else.

Old archived messages between Dave and I. I keep on going back to our old conversations and reading how happy we were back then, and wondering what happened.
How do I stop. I need to delete them. I'm having trouble deleting them because a small part in my mind thinks we will get back together. I need to stop looking back to the past. Its over, and nothing can change that.
Thinking about the happiest times I had with Dave. These are the reminders that make me feel like we were meant for each other.
How do I stop. Clap your hands. No joke. It startles me and jolts me back to reality.

Overthinking when Dave is out having fun. I worry that Dave is bashing me behind my back, telling everyone how horrible of a girlfriend I was.
How do I stop. Realize I was a great girlfriend. It was Dave who gave up on me, I couldn't fix something that I had no idea was broken. I made dinners, lunches, snacks, visited him at work, thought of things he would like. He never did that for me.

Inability to snap out of a slump. The hardest thing right now because I am constantly missing Dave.
How do I stop. Call Iris. Jessica. Nomin. Ling. Tara. Jamie.

Wondering if Dave misses me and what he did with the items I left at his house. I keep hoping that Dave will realize he made a mistake and want to get back together after something reminds him of me.
How do I stop. Realize Dave doesn't miss you. If he did we wouldn't have broken up.

The idea that Dave was perfect for me. He was nice, always opened my door and did everything I asked.
How do I stop. Realize Dave wasn't perfect. And I knew this. He never learned from his mistakes, he did avoid problems until they left him alone, he procrastinated worse than I did, he was bad with his money and always bought things he didn't need, his house terrified me, his bathroom terrified me even more, he never thought things thoroughly, he always talked about losing weight but didn't really do anything about it, he always talked about how Amway was giong to change his life but never did anything to prove it, he never had a plan for the future that was believable, he worked too much and will never become successfull until he realizes he needs to focus on one job, he never used his c-pap machine even though the doctor told him he could die in his sleep, he may have kept dating me the last 2 months just for sex, he couldn't save money if his life depended on it, he started smoking and gambling again, he never did thoughtful things for me, he never was there for me when i needed him emotionally, he never really understood me or knew me, or tried to get to know me, and he got me a bullet blender for valentines day !!!

My heart misses you

My heart misses you so much and I don't know what to do.
I just want to call you and tell you I miss you and find out what happened that made you not want me anymore. I just want to hear you say you miss me too. I don't want to get over you and I don't want to see anybody else. You were so capable of making me happy that I never saw this break-up coming. Why wouldn't you tell me when that you weren't happy? All I can think about now is things that I could've done to make this outcome different. I want to go out and party with you, I want to go out and drink with you, I would love to go to Vegas, play video games or anything. I don't want you to think that I didn't want to do any of these things and that I was boring. I just wanted to do them WITH you, not with you off to the side watching, or at a wedding, or another party. I wanted to do so much with you, and it breaks my heart that you don't want to do any of those. I don't want to get married, and I've never thought about getting married. I just enjoy spending time NOW with you and the immediate. I never thought about being with you 20 years from now, but I thought it was at least possible. My heart hurts so much not knowing what made you see  me differently so suddenly. You tried so so hard to make me fall for you and it hurts so much that it worked only to have you pull that picture out from underneath me. I miss you so much Dave and the sweet things you've done for me. I wish you would have told me something so that I knew you were unhappy, instead of pretending you were okay, and letting me think everything was okay. If you were so unhappy why did you ask me to come camping with you, why ask me to come to your parent's anniversary dinner, why sleep in the same bed with me and hold me close at night. It gave me such a false sense of security and hope. I can't stop remembering all the things you did that made me feel loved, that made me feel like you genuinely wanted me. I just want to try so much harder to try and make this work, but I dont know if its even possible. I just want to know that you will be in my life, and it hurts so much to think that you won't be anymore.

Can't stop wishing for you.

One year ago I wished you would slow down because you were smothering me and that we were moving too fast. Today I wish the only thing you would do is call me to say hello. I genuinely thought that you were someone special, and I, at one point in time, thought about moving in together. Little did I know you weren't on the same path as me, and when I found that out you couldn't see us together next year I didn't know what to do. The little picture I had started drawing was completely wiped clean and I found myself standing alone not knowing what to do anymore. I don't understand how we got here and I just wish you would tell me what is happening to you and what caused you to see me differently now. You once told me you wanted to take me to Vegas, that you wished I was constantly with you, that I could wake up next to you, and that made me feel so special. Now you barely even hold my hand anymore and look at me like you're not attracted to me. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not smother you and give you time and space, but I find myself wanting more and more of your time, and you giving me less and less of it. I don't know whats changed, but my heart says its you. I want so much for you turn back into the David I fell for one year ago, but I don't think you are willing to change back. I've told you more than once what bothers me and what I wished you could do for me, but more and more I feel like you are deliberately ignoring me. More and more I find myself wondering if you are deliberately ignoring me so I will push you away and you won't feel so bad for breaking up with me. I do feel like we are drifting apart. I do feel the tension between us of trying to find something to talk about, and I don't know how to fix it. I just wish so very hard you could see what you are doing to me. That you're ambivilance is slowly but surely breaking me down. I miss you so much, and I hate what's happening to me. I just want so much for you to hold me and for me to feel loved again.

Phoenix Down x1

It's almost been a year since I've last wrote in here. Wow and Yikes at the same time. A lot has changed. A lot. I had to re-read my last few entries to see where I last left off. Longest most interestingest story short. I am dating super-crushes friend. Yup. We've been dating for just over a year now, and its pretty nostalgic reading these last few posts. Boy I really crushed on super crush didn't I. Anyways...... I am dating super crushes friend and it (for the most part) turned out pretty good. Except today was a pretty serious step-back. David used to spend so much time trying spend time with me. He would message me all the time, all day, asking me to sleep over. I actually remember at one point in time I told him I was worried we were spending too much time together too quickly. How ironic is it that now we are on the verge of calling it quits because he doesn't have enough time for me. I don't even know if what we decided to do was the right thing. I told David what was bothering me, that he has too many things on his plate and I wish he would focus on one thing instead of trying to make 6 things succeed at once. He told me he probably couldn't do that and that he didn't believe in what I was saying...... so why did we decide to try and work things out? I'm finding I'm re-asking myself that question again only just after a 2 hour conversation. Am I being silly hoping he will change? He told me I wasn't the first girl to mention to him that he was too busy for a relationship. The fact that they still aren't in that relationship says one thing right..... ? I'm just so taken aback right now because I thought I wanted to stay together and try and work through this, but maybe a part of me doesn't believe anything will change. I told Dave only time will tell if he will be able to prioritize, but I'm wondering if its even worthwhile to try....
I honestly think the hardest (and stupidest thing) about this is, I genuinely thought (think) that Dave was something different. I had never thought about the future with Mitch or Michael before and if I did it was completely blank. But when I thought about Dave I felt something was at least possible. And that is probably why it hurt so much when I asked Dave if he saw us together next year and he replied *I don't know* It felt like the wind was knocked out off me because I had basically sketched a fuzzy picture and then suddenly it had to be erased ! In the end, I told Dave I never expect to be #1 in his life (or anybody elses life) but I definately can't settle with being in last place and getting whatever is left behind. I definately didn't hear the answer that I was hoping to hear, but.... I guess time will tell. There was a lot of other stuff that I wanted to bring back up, but I have been told 'not to bring up the past' and just work on the present issue. So....I guess I hope things work out..... I dunno I mean thats not the entire story  summed up in a paragraph, but what do you guys think so far?

In other news, my oldest brother is FINALLY dating a girl (1st girlfriend at age 32 btw). It's kinda annoying because he has become compLETELY twitter-pated with her. He hasn't stayed at home in almost 3 months now. And my mom gets mad at me for sleeping over at Dave's for the weekend....
At the advice of Brendan I talked to  my doctor about my slight depression and he suggested I go talk to a therapist and that he thinks I might have Adjustment Disorder. I haven't told my family yet, or anyone actually except for Dave and Nomin.
Jessica and Pat are engaged.
I no longer work at Kingsway Mall and have a new Receptionist job at Connelly-Mckinley. I really really like it there and I feel useful again. I miss having the cash from waitressing, but its nice to have decent sized paycheques and to be able to afford things again.
My mom and dad opened up a restaraunt again in Fort McMurray so I won't expect them to move out to Edmonton anymore
My gramma got diagnosed with probably Alzheimer's Dementia and my grampa is considered legally blind.
AND i just renewed my library card and am going to horde up on nerdy comics.

Thats all for now I guess. Missed talking to you guys and unloading my stress ~