Regressing

I swear I feel like I'm on an rollercoaster!

Last Monday I woke up and JUMPED outta bed. I was singing and dancing and smiling. I'M CURED !!! I proclaimed. And then I slowly lost that pep. On Friday I saw a stupid message from the UN on Facebook and it felt like I tripped and fell back into last month. Daisy sent a message telling everyone Crystal Method was coming to Edmonton, and I felt so much hurt all over again. Dave told me he had met me for the first time while trying to buy tickets for Crystal Method at Kingsway. I didn't even want to but just that simple name made me want to ball up again. It just made me think about the first time we met and how everything changed and grew and died. :( I was so upset at myself because I started crying at the dinner table right in front of my parents and I could't stop! It was so frustrating not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad again and so mad because I couldn't control it. Pretty much everybody asked me what was wrong (obviously) and all I could say was "I miss Dave". And I just felt so silly !! I was doing fine, no, I was doing awesome and then what the hell happened. Baaaah. So anyways, I ended up staying with my parents and went to bed early. The next morning I went shopping with my mom, and I tried to cheer up a bit and it kinda worked. Trying to find other things that make me happy made other people happy too.

I'm pretty sure I need to get more distance between us too. (Duh!) Facebook is really killing this attempt. Ha-ha, so weak. But yeah, I'm trying not to go on FB for a few days since that will reduce temptation to stalk Dave and see what he's doing. I deleted all our previous messages too so hopefully that will help. *sigh* I just find when I feel like I'm slumping again the first thing I want to do is see Dave or read our old conversations to feel better. And thats not really helping because all it does is make me go back to somewhere I shouldn't be! So ironic that talking about Dave makes me feel better, and at the same time its what makes me start crying too :( What did make me unexpectedly feel better is that Tara told me she creeps Josh's FB page too !! Hahaha I felt so happy knowing that what I was doing was normal. Josh was a jerk to Tara and she still misses him too. So, I guess it was good to see that I wasn't going completely insane......Then on Saturday I went out with Nomin and Brendan and Tony and Travis too. All seemed fine, and then on the dance floor my eyes started watering again and the same thing happened from Friday. So frustrating how everything reminds me of him and I can't do anything about it. Nomin started telling me to be happy, be happy, be happy and smile and that just made me start bawling again because its not even like I'm not trying. I'm trying hard and thats why I start crying, I think, because I'm trying to smile and be happy, and forgoet and its not working. Not yet anyways. And then I threw up on the street. And then I threw up in front of my door on the carpet. Hahah yeah. I haven't thrown up in about 10 years. So that was a fun night.

I feel so so so silly sometimes when I hear from Dave w/o me having to bug him. It's the whole Super Crush scenario all over again. It takes all my might to leave Dave alone for the day. Then the next, then the next and finally its a week since I've talked to him, and 2 days since I've creeped his FB page. I start to go through withdrawl and I kinda lose energy and mope. And then low and behold Dave sends me a text !! My heart shoots into my throat and I pulse with energy. I read and re-read and re-read. "MAYBE HE MISSES ME ?!!" "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?!!" And I get all scatter brained again trying to 'decipher' what this message could mean, when I really should be getting distance because its just Dave trying to be friends. And I'm not at that stage yet...... So yeah, Dave did message me after a week of me rollercoasting and trying to get space. I saw his name and my heart raced. He asked me to a movie! .....Oh no wait, he asked my friends and I to a movie with his friends and him. Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much. Just stop and think clearly. Dave didn't chase you when you ran out of his car crying. Dave was unhappy with you for 2 months and he would never want to go back to that. Dave has lots of things to keep him busy that make him happier than you. Dave hasn't said he misses you. So just like how Brendan used to message you out of the blue and it meant nothing, Dave messaging you out of the blue doensn't mean anything either. I know this won't sink in until I've accepted it, and thats the only thing thats stopping me from healing, and all these entries are just me trying to persuade myself Dave doesn't care for me anymore. But, until my heart and mind believe that, I'm just gonna have to keep on keep on persuading. Take off the glasses Corinna !!

On another tangent.....Dave gave me a book awhile ago and I finally listened and started to read it after the last time I saw him. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." I somewhat started reading it for Dave, and I guess I started reading it for myself too. Because, maybe this is the reason Dave left, and even if it isn't I'm getting something out of it regardless. Reach for the moon and if you miss you'll land among the stars, right? It is interesting in some parts, mostly about the things they teach you to do. So yeah, I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future, don't think about the past, and live in day-tight compartments. Something else interesting I find is, I already sometimes do a lot of the things they tell you to do in the book. I just always doubted whether or not that was the proper way of dealing with stress and worry or not. So I guess I always was on the right path!! I do want to ask Dave, though, why he bought that book, and if worry is/was a major problem in his life too. I never imagined that he had things to worry about, or at least it certainly never seemed that way. But he must've bought this book for a reason. And I suppose I do recall Dave saying how he used to be so depressed about his financial situation all he knew to do was sleep, and snowboard to escape from his problems.....

*Sigh*. I miss Dave. And as much as I say talking to him and hearing his voice makes me happy..... its not the right happy I need. I need to be doing things that make me genuinely happy. Drawing, even designing. Playing Mario and Wii. Shopping. Swimming. Spending time with my family, Felix, Terence, Jess, Mom & Dad. Seeing my friends. Iris, Ling, Tara, Jamie. Talking to other people. Aditi, Steph, Maya, Mariam, Ashley. And going out with fun people. Nomin, Brendan, Travis and Tony. Look at all the people you named, Corinna. You feel alone, but your not. Just open your eyes okay.