Road to Recovery

Hi again,

I'm pretty sure I am clincally insane. Or have multiple personalities. Or something. I went from blaming Dave and wanting Dave to admit he was wrong, to convincing myself it was all my fault. If that isn't crazy I don't know what is...... *sigh* I guess, the only plus side to this is I'm feeling better...... I just hope Dave doesn't think I'm crazy :S. I just couldn't stop messaging him yesterday. Fuuuuuuuck. I wanted him to know I felt bad because I realized how much I made him feel like shit. I know it won't fix anything, but I did want him to know he was a good boyfriend, and I was okay too. Man, look how much this entry had completely changed perspectives D:
The reason this happened all started after I wrote that last entry on Saturday. Mid-way through I had an epiphany or something. And I felt like I had sidestepped to the left or something and was seeing our relationship from a different angle. That all I was doing was making everything about me, and putting down Dave whenever he told me about something that made him happy. The first time he went to EDC and I told him I didn't like seeing him drunk like that, when he told me about Amway and all I could say were bad things about it. Ai-yai-yai! I felt really bad, but a few hours later while walking home was able to finally pinpoint something.
I never made Dave as happy as he made me.
And to some extent that was what Dave tried to tell me
"I wasn't feeling as happy or fulfilled anymore," is what he managed.
It was pretty eye opening. I kept saying, kept saying, kept saying how happy I was with Dave, how I loved the way he made me feel, how he did everything I asked for..... and then I realized, I was happy, but Dave wasn't. Dave made me happy but I stopped making him happy. And that everything I was saying was about me, and what I wanted. And that I never stopped to look and see how Dave felt. And not just that, but I was bringing him down whenever soemthing made him happy. Uuuuuugh, it makes me feel like poo to see how blind I was :( .....BUT! I also felt not so bad because now I had something to work on. Now I see why our relationship failed. And I had something to fix. I'm not just blindly trying to fix everything that I thought could've been the problem anymore. AND I want to fix this so I can be a better person......
So.... I guess now I'm on the road to recovery. Today I feel really good. Well.... I feel good minus the fact that my heart is still missing Dave. But Dave did message me back just now, so he's not ignoring me and doesn't think I'm crazy. Things are funny and have color again and I'm starting to want to do things with other people again :) And I'm using what I learned as fuel. Fuel to get back to my happy-go-lucky, carefree, smiling, laughing, playful self. To turn into an even better version of the girl that Dave (and all my crushers) have fallen for. So maybe (just maybe) Dave will fall for that same girl again. And even if he doesn't, that same happy girl will probably attract someone else just as great.
But until then, Miss you lots Dave !