1 month later

Hi sports fans,

So its been a month since Dave and  I broke up. One veeeeeeeeeeery long month. I couldn't tell if I was more upset, sad, or mad half the time. Every day I would wake up in a cold sweat and a pounding heart. I felt like I was having panic attacks every morning. I thought this new job was gonna solve all my problems. And after we broke up I felt like taking that job had ruined my life. I stopped having time to spend with you, and we drifted apart. I stopped wanting to go to the studio. And I felt like in losing you I lost everything. I lost a best friend. Someone who made me so happy. And thats all that I can think about is that I only knew how to be happy around you, so now that your not here, I don't remember how to be happy anymore. You let me come see you yesterday and I looked forward to that a lot. I got dressed up, put on new clothes and a new bag. Just so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of you. I'm not trying to write this entry as a downer. I'm trying to re-state what happened, and I guess what I'm trying to do to get over this break up, and how. I got in Dave's car, and he asked how I was, we caught up a bit on normal stuff and then we went to Garden Bakery. There was so much stuff I wanted to unload on Dave. How what he did was wrong, and how much worse what he did made me feel. How it was selfish of him not to say anything and basically lie to me. How I wanted to call him a coward. But, the moment I heard his voice on the phone I felt it all melt away. That everything I wanted to say didn't matter again. I'm so stupid! The funny thing is I prepared an essay for Dave. It took me at least 2 days and I cut and paste, copied and edited, re-arranged, deleted and entered. I wrote down everything that I felt Dave did wrong. Everything that made my heart hurt. And then I asked Dave if I was crazy. If I was turning into a crazy ex-girlfriend. Who does that? Who writes a paper to read to their ex-boyfriend? And even in the end I never ended up reading it. I took it out, but all the words jumbled together and it was useless. I wish I could realize too, that not everything can be solved by y=x+b formulas. Not everything works out the way I plan. Just like thinking that $5 more an hour was going to make me happy and solve all my problems. Just like I thought I could start planning my life with you. I guess I did lie a bit when I told Dave yesterday I never thought about the future with him. I thought about the possibility that Dave could be in my life. But only because of how happy he made me feel. I don't think I ever felt like I loved Dave, but I loved the way Dave made me feel. But I realize now I relied on you too much. I relied on you and only you to make me happy, to unload all my stress and problems on, thinking you would always be there. That you were the one. And I guess I took you for granted too, just like you took me for granted. Just like how I blamed you for not listening to what I said, I never listened to what you said either. I guess you did somewhat try. You did ask me once "Do you feel like I don't tell you enough?" And I completely ignored you. And I think about it now and wish that I had answered you instead of saying I, I, I, I. One of the things I did notice was that in most of our conversations, now and in the past, I used the word "I" a lot. A LOT. It was always about me, and I never made it about you. And I'm sorry too. I think I tried to change you into what I wanted to be. And I didn't realize you needed just as much help as I did. I told you, that maybe I don't miss you as much as I think I do, and that I just hate being alone. It isn't going to change anything now, but Yes, yes I do feel like you don't tell me enough. But maybe that was my fault that I never let you say what was on your mind. So I guess now,I hope, as soon as I'm strong enough, that I can do for you, what you did for me. And be a pillar to you. That you can call me up to unload on too. And I promise I will learn to listen to you and ask you how you feel, and not tell you how I feel about your problems. So, the next time we see each other, maybe you can be the one to talk and tell stories about yourself and what you are feeling that day.