Regressing

I swear I feel like I'm on an rollercoaster!

Last Monday I woke up and JUMPED outta bed. I was singing and dancing and smiling. I'M CURED !!! I proclaimed. And then I slowly lost that pep. On Friday I saw a stupid message from the UN on Facebook and it felt like I tripped and fell back into last month. Daisy sent a message telling everyone Crystal Method was coming to Edmonton, and I felt so much hurt all over again. Dave told me he had met me for the first time while trying to buy tickets for Crystal Method at Kingsway. I didn't even want to but just that simple name made me want to ball up again. It just made me think about the first time we met and how everything changed and grew and died. :( I was so upset at myself because I started crying at the dinner table right in front of my parents and I could't stop! It was so frustrating not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad again and so mad because I couldn't control it. Pretty much everybody asked me what was wrong (obviously) and all I could say was "I miss Dave". And I just felt so silly !! I was doing fine, no, I was doing awesome and then what the hell happened. Baaaah. So anyways, I ended up staying with my parents and went to bed early. The next morning I went shopping with my mom, and I tried to cheer up a bit and it kinda worked. Trying to find other things that make me happy made other people happy too.

I'm pretty sure I need to get more distance between us too. (Duh!) Facebook is really killing this attempt. Ha-ha, so weak. But yeah, I'm trying not to go on FB for a few days since that will reduce temptation to stalk Dave and see what he's doing. I deleted all our previous messages too so hopefully that will help. *sigh* I just find when I feel like I'm slumping again the first thing I want to do is see Dave or read our old conversations to feel better. And thats not really helping because all it does is make me go back to somewhere I shouldn't be! So ironic that talking about Dave makes me feel better, and at the same time its what makes me start crying too :( What did make me unexpectedly feel better is that Tara told me she creeps Josh's FB page too !! Hahaha I felt so happy knowing that what I was doing was normal. Josh was a jerk to Tara and she still misses him too. So, I guess it was good to see that I wasn't going completely insane......Then on Saturday I went out with Nomin and Brendan and Tony and Travis too. All seemed fine, and then on the dance floor my eyes started watering again and the same thing happened from Friday. So frustrating how everything reminds me of him and I can't do anything about it. Nomin started telling me to be happy, be happy, be happy and smile and that just made me start bawling again because its not even like I'm not trying. I'm trying hard and thats why I start crying, I think, because I'm trying to smile and be happy, and forgoet and its not working. Not yet anyways. And then I threw up on the street. And then I threw up in front of my door on the carpet. Hahah yeah. I haven't thrown up in about 10 years. So that was a fun night.

I feel so so so silly sometimes when I hear from Dave w/o me having to bug him. It's the whole Super Crush scenario all over again. It takes all my might to leave Dave alone for the day. Then the next, then the next and finally its a week since I've talked to him, and 2 days since I've creeped his FB page. I start to go through withdrawl and I kinda lose energy and mope. And then low and behold Dave sends me a text !! My heart shoots into my throat and I pulse with energy. I read and re-read and re-read. "MAYBE HE MISSES ME ?!!" "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?!!" And I get all scatter brained again trying to 'decipher' what this message could mean, when I really should be getting distance because its just Dave trying to be friends. And I'm not at that stage yet...... So yeah, Dave did message me after a week of me rollercoasting and trying to get space. I saw his name and my heart raced. He asked me to a movie! .....Oh no wait, he asked my friends and I to a movie with his friends and him. Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much. Just stop and think clearly. Dave didn't chase you when you ran out of his car crying. Dave was unhappy with you for 2 months and he would never want to go back to that. Dave has lots of things to keep him busy that make him happier than you. Dave hasn't said he misses you. So just like how Brendan used to message you out of the blue and it meant nothing, Dave messaging you out of the blue doensn't mean anything either. I know this won't sink in until I've accepted it, and thats the only thing thats stopping me from healing, and all these entries are just me trying to persuade myself Dave doesn't care for me anymore. But, until my heart and mind believe that, I'm just gonna have to keep on keep on persuading. Take off the glasses Corinna !!

On another tangent.....Dave gave me a book awhile ago and I finally listened and started to read it after the last time I saw him. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." I somewhat started reading it for Dave, and I guess I started reading it for myself too. Because, maybe this is the reason Dave left, and even if it isn't I'm getting something out of it regardless. Reach for the moon and if you miss you'll land among the stars, right? It is interesting in some parts, mostly about the things they teach you to do. So yeah, I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future, don't think about the past, and live in day-tight compartments. Something else interesting I find is, I already sometimes do a lot of the things they tell you to do in the book. I just always doubted whether or not that was the proper way of dealing with stress and worry or not. So I guess I always was on the right path!! I do want to ask Dave, though, why he bought that book, and if worry is/was a major problem in his life too. I never imagined that he had things to worry about, or at least it certainly never seemed that way. But he must've bought this book for a reason. And I suppose I do recall Dave saying how he used to be so depressed about his financial situation all he knew to do was sleep, and snowboard to escape from his problems.....

*Sigh*. I miss Dave. And as much as I say talking to him and hearing his voice makes me happy..... its not the right happy I need. I need to be doing things that make me genuinely happy. Drawing, even designing. Playing Mario and Wii. Shopping. Swimming. Spending time with my family, Felix, Terence, Jess, Mom & Dad. Seeing my friends. Iris, Ling, Tara, Jamie. Talking to other people. Aditi, Steph, Maya, Mariam, Ashley. And going out with fun people. Nomin, Brendan, Travis and Tony. Look at all the people you named, Corinna. You feel alone, but your not. Just open your eyes okay.

Road to Recovery

Hi again,

I'm pretty sure I am clincally insane. Or have multiple personalities. Or something. I went from blaming Dave and wanting Dave to admit he was wrong, to convincing myself it was all my fault. If that isn't crazy I don't know what is...... *sigh* I guess, the only plus side to this is I'm feeling better...... I just hope Dave doesn't think I'm crazy :S. I just couldn't stop messaging him yesterday. Fuuuuuuuck. I wanted him to know I felt bad because I realized how much I made him feel like shit. I know it won't fix anything, but I did want him to know he was a good boyfriend, and I was okay too. Man, look how much this entry had completely changed perspectives D:
The reason this happened all started after I wrote that last entry on Saturday. Mid-way through I had an epiphany or something. And I felt like I had sidestepped to the left or something and was seeing our relationship from a different angle. That all I was doing was making everything about me, and putting down Dave whenever he told me about something that made him happy. The first time he went to EDC and I told him I didn't like seeing him drunk like that, when he told me about Amway and all I could say were bad things about it. Ai-yai-yai! I felt really bad, but a few hours later while walking home was able to finally pinpoint something.
I never made Dave as happy as he made me.
And to some extent that was what Dave tried to tell me
"I wasn't feeling as happy or fulfilled anymore," is what he managed.
It was pretty eye opening. I kept saying, kept saying, kept saying how happy I was with Dave, how I loved the way he made me feel, how he did everything I asked for..... and then I realized, I was happy, but Dave wasn't. Dave made me happy but I stopped making him happy. And that everything I was saying was about me, and what I wanted. And that I never stopped to look and see how Dave felt. And not just that, but I was bringing him down whenever soemthing made him happy. Uuuuuugh, it makes me feel like poo to see how blind I was :( .....BUT! I also felt not so bad because now I had something to work on. Now I see why our relationship failed. And I had something to fix. I'm not just blindly trying to fix everything that I thought could've been the problem anymore. AND I want to fix this so I can be a better person......
So.... I guess now I'm on the road to recovery. Today I feel really good. Well.... I feel good minus the fact that my heart is still missing Dave. But Dave did message me back just now, so he's not ignoring me and doesn't think I'm crazy. Things are funny and have color again and I'm starting to want to do things with other people again :) And I'm using what I learned as fuel. Fuel to get back to my happy-go-lucky, carefree, smiling, laughing, playful self. To turn into an even better version of the girl that Dave (and all my crushers) have fallen for. So maybe (just maybe) Dave will fall for that same girl again. And even if he doesn't, that same happy girl will probably attract someone else just as great.
But until then, Miss you lots Dave !

1 month later

Hi sports fans,

So its been a month since Dave and  I broke up. One veeeeeeeeeeery long month. I couldn't tell if I was more upset, sad, or mad half the time. Every day I would wake up in a cold sweat and a pounding heart. I felt like I was having panic attacks every morning. I thought this new job was gonna solve all my problems. And after we broke up I felt like taking that job had ruined my life. I stopped having time to spend with you, and we drifted apart. I stopped wanting to go to the studio. And I felt like in losing you I lost everything. I lost a best friend. Someone who made me so happy. And thats all that I can think about is that I only knew how to be happy around you, so now that your not here, I don't remember how to be happy anymore. You let me come see you yesterday and I looked forward to that a lot. I got dressed up, put on new clothes and a new bag. Just so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of you. I'm not trying to write this entry as a downer. I'm trying to re-state what happened, and I guess what I'm trying to do to get over this break up, and how. I got in Dave's car, and he asked how I was, we caught up a bit on normal stuff and then we went to Garden Bakery. There was so much stuff I wanted to unload on Dave. How what he did was wrong, and how much worse what he did made me feel. How it was selfish of him not to say anything and basically lie to me. How I wanted to call him a coward. But, the moment I heard his voice on the phone I felt it all melt away. That everything I wanted to say didn't matter again. I'm so stupid! The funny thing is I prepared an essay for Dave. It took me at least 2 days and I cut and paste, copied and edited, re-arranged, deleted and entered. I wrote down everything that I felt Dave did wrong. Everything that made my heart hurt. And then I asked Dave if I was crazy. If I was turning into a crazy ex-girlfriend. Who does that? Who writes a paper to read to their ex-boyfriend? And even in the end I never ended up reading it. I took it out, but all the words jumbled together and it was useless. I wish I could realize too, that not everything can be solved by y=x+b formulas. Not everything works out the way I plan. Just like thinking that $5 more an hour was going to make me happy and solve all my problems. Just like I thought I could start planning my life with you. I guess I did lie a bit when I told Dave yesterday I never thought about the future with him. I thought about the possibility that Dave could be in my life. But only because of how happy he made me feel. I don't think I ever felt like I loved Dave, but I loved the way Dave made me feel. But I realize now I relied on you too much. I relied on you and only you to make me happy, to unload all my stress and problems on, thinking you would always be there. That you were the one. And I guess I took you for granted too, just like you took me for granted. Just like how I blamed you for not listening to what I said, I never listened to what you said either. I guess you did somewhat try. You did ask me once "Do you feel like I don't tell you enough?" And I completely ignored you. And I think about it now and wish that I had answered you instead of saying I, I, I, I. One of the things I did notice was that in most of our conversations, now and in the past, I used the word "I" a lot. A LOT. It was always about me, and I never made it about you. And I'm sorry too. I think I tried to change you into what I wanted to be. And I didn't realize you needed just as much help as I did. I told you, that maybe I don't miss you as much as I think I do, and that I just hate being alone. It isn't going to change anything now, but Yes, yes I do feel like you don't tell me enough. But maybe that was my fault that I never let you say what was on your mind. So I guess now,I hope, as soon as I'm strong enough, that I can do for you, what you did for me. And be a pillar to you. That you can call me up to unload on too. And I promise I will learn to listen to you and ask you how you feel, and not tell you how I feel about your problems. So, the next time we see each other, maybe you can be the one to talk and tell stories about yourself and what you are feeling that day.

do you miss me?

That is all I want to know....
No. Maybe thats a lie. I want to know if you miss me, and I want to know that the answer is yes.
I am slowly getting better, but I still miss you. I haven't taken off the rose glasses yet, and have yet to see your flaws. I miss you lots you poo head. Gramma kept asking where you were at lunch today and I finally had to tell her 'we broke up Gramma, please don't ask me anymore' It was kinda painful.
I want to become so happy, you'll be jealous.
But right now thats pretty hard. Haha. I'm working on a new goal, which I'm feeling pretty excited about. I went over to Tara's housewarming party, and I felt bad. Everyone was 5 years younger than me and had houses, cars, boyfriends, husbands, families. And I felt like I had nothing. I lost someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And it makes it worse that I come home everyday to an empty condo. And empty messy condo that I can't invite friends over too because I'm embarassed.
So. I guess my goal for the next little while. I'm gonna renovate the condo. So that I'll want to come home, and be able to have friends over. And show Dave that I'm growing up.

August

August was the month of having long serious talks with everyone. Seriously.
Confirmed, and found out a lot of things from people who I haven't (but should) talked to in a long time.
Everyone's told me I have a bad temper, and to watch my negativity. Haha :|
Something I didn't expect though. My daddy told me, of all his 3 kids, he thinks that I am the strongest one.

I do feel a lot better, and not so empty anymore. But I still feel like a part of my heart is missing. And seeing couples hold hands reminds me a lot of that feeling. But I've definately healed a lot faster than the last break up. Maybe it helps still being able to be friends..... or maybe it makes it worse. I dunno, I think I'm still trying to find the old Corinna who Dave was attracted to first. Doing it for Dave? Maybe, maybe not. I was happy and confident then so maybe I'm doing it for myself too. And doing things that make me happy is helping. Started to draw again. And thats getting exciting. Let's see how much confidence I can gain and maybe I'll attract Dave again, and maybe I'll attract someone even better for me.

Lets Do This.

siiiiiiiiiigh.

I feel better.
Most of the time.
The hardest part is still no doubt waking up in the morning. I miss you the most then. Dreams and nightmares definately don't help either. I'm still in that stage where I wonder constantly what you are doing and miss your silly stupid habits. I definately feel better after talking to you on Friday, and I definately don't feel empty anymore. But I still miss you. I miss you because you made me happy. Mom and Dad told me to keep my head up and I'll find someone better. Someone a little taller and leaner. But I don't think they understood how Happy I was when Dave came to see me. i stopped caring that he was short or overweight. He made me happy. And that is what I valued the most. That I was always happy in our relationship.
Ugh. So, maybe thats why I'm so mixed. I'm trying hard to get over you because eventually I will see why we weren't a match. And at the same time, I still don't want to get over you. I'm waiting for your call. Waiting for a message from you. Waiting for you. I definately don't hurt as much as when I broke up with Michael. Or, I guess no, thats not right. I hurt much much more, during the first week, but I got better quicker. Maybe because I keep on creeping your FB profile, looking at old pictures, etc etc. What will you do if he did call you to say he made a mistake? I'd probably Jump into his Arms.... Hah. But until you're past that stage, let's realize you gotta get better.Try harder to get over Dave, Corinna. TRY. HARDER. He did give up on you. He made you happy, but remember, he said He Wasn't Happy. And thats important too. It's not fair for Dave if he's not feeling it. Just like when Michael wanted to get back together and you wanted no part. Remember how unhappy it made you feel when Michael said he missed you, but you didn't. It made you angry and mad because you didn't want to hear it. Well, Dave probably doesn't want to hear you say that shit either. So dont ! Dave needs to sort his own life out, and he doesn't have time for a relationship. He wants whats best for him right now, and you were no longer in his plan. So, realize it Corinnna. The begininnig of our relationship was amazing because we were excited. Excited because it was different and new. Just like your next relationship will be Corinna. So get better and start the next chapter.
You're paying attention to guys that look twice at you again, thats a start. 
Don't doubt yourself either. Stop Doubting Yourself. Dave's friends did like you, and nothing has changed. Dave never will say anything bad about you. (Unless you do something retarded). So just do what Dave told you and be yourself. Always be yourself. Daisy never thought you were an idiot, or rude. So stop looking for her approval. All this time you were trying to be accepted by Dave's friends, you stopped looking for what Dave wanted and needed.
Next time you see Dave, ask how he is. Ask what he wants, and ask how he feels. But as a friend. A. Friend. Stop telling Dave what to do. He's an adult too, and even if its in his best interest. If he doesn't realize it himself, he won't change. You should know that. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes ME happy. I miss Dave and I still hope we will get back together, but I hoped that for Michael too, and I did get over him. So like I said, start the next chapter.....
Stupid Portmanteau.

first step to healing my heart

Hi.
I'm trying to snap out of this severe loneliness I feel right now, and I guess one of the first things I'm supposed to do is figure out the things that remind me of Dave to think and do something else so that memory doesn't linger. Let's hope tis works:
Facebook. is my main source of spying on Dave without him knowing. I'll look through his pictures, and see how he is doing.
How do I stop. Close the browser right away. Go on Ebay, kijiji, something else.

Old archived messages between Dave and I. I keep on going back to our old conversations and reading how happy we were back then, and wondering what happened.
How do I stop. I need to delete them. I'm having trouble deleting them because a small part in my mind thinks we will get back together. I need to stop looking back to the past. Its over, and nothing can change that.
Thinking about the happiest times I had with Dave. These are the reminders that make me feel like we were meant for each other.
How do I stop. Clap your hands. No joke. It startles me and jolts me back to reality.

Overthinking when Dave is out having fun. I worry that Dave is bashing me behind my back, telling everyone how horrible of a girlfriend I was.
How do I stop. Realize I was a great girlfriend. It was Dave who gave up on me, I couldn't fix something that I had no idea was broken. I made dinners, lunches, snacks, visited him at work, thought of things he would like. He never did that for me.

Inability to snap out of a slump. The hardest thing right now because I am constantly missing Dave.
How do I stop. Call Iris. Jessica. Nomin. Ling. Tara. Jamie.

Wondering if Dave misses me and what he did with the items I left at his house. I keep hoping that Dave will realize he made a mistake and want to get back together after something reminds him of me.
How do I stop. Realize Dave doesn't miss you. If he did we wouldn't have broken up.

The idea that Dave was perfect for me. He was nice, always opened my door and did everything I asked.
How do I stop. Realize Dave wasn't perfect. And I knew this. He never learned from his mistakes, he did avoid problems until they left him alone, he procrastinated worse than I did, he was bad with his money and always bought things he didn't need, his house terrified me, his bathroom terrified me even more, he never thought things thoroughly, he always talked about losing weight but didn't really do anything about it, he always talked about how Amway was giong to change his life but never did anything to prove it, he never had a plan for the future that was believable, he worked too much and will never become successfull until he realizes he needs to focus on one job, he never used his c-pap machine even though the doctor told him he could die in his sleep, he may have kept dating me the last 2 months just for sex, he couldn't save money if his life depended on it, he started smoking and gambling again, he never did thoughtful things for me, he never was there for me when i needed him emotionally, he never really understood me or knew me, or tried to get to know me, and he got me a bullet blender for valentines day !!!

My heart misses you

My heart misses you so much and I don't know what to do.
I just want to call you and tell you I miss you and find out what happened that made you not want me anymore. I just want to hear you say you miss me too. I don't want to get over you and I don't want to see anybody else. You were so capable of making me happy that I never saw this break-up coming. Why wouldn't you tell me when that you weren't happy? All I can think about now is things that I could've done to make this outcome different. I want to go out and party with you, I want to go out and drink with you, I would love to go to Vegas, play video games or anything. I don't want you to think that I didn't want to do any of these things and that I was boring. I just wanted to do them WITH you, not with you off to the side watching, or at a wedding, or another party. I wanted to do so much with you, and it breaks my heart that you don't want to do any of those. I don't want to get married, and I've never thought about getting married. I just enjoy spending time NOW with you and the immediate. I never thought about being with you 20 years from now, but I thought it was at least possible. My heart hurts so much not knowing what made you see  me differently so suddenly. You tried so so hard to make me fall for you and it hurts so much that it worked only to have you pull that picture out from underneath me. I miss you so much Dave and the sweet things you've done for me. I wish you would have told me something so that I knew you were unhappy, instead of pretending you were okay, and letting me think everything was okay. If you were so unhappy why did you ask me to come camping with you, why ask me to come to your parent's anniversary dinner, why sleep in the same bed with me and hold me close at night. It gave me such a false sense of security and hope. I can't stop remembering all the things you did that made me feel loved, that made me feel like you genuinely wanted me. I just want to try so much harder to try and make this work, but I dont know if its even possible. I just want to know that you will be in my life, and it hurts so much to think that you won't be anymore.

Can't stop wishing for you.

One year ago I wished you would slow down because you were smothering me and that we were moving too fast. Today I wish the only thing you would do is call me to say hello. I genuinely thought that you were someone special, and I, at one point in time, thought about moving in together. Little did I know you weren't on the same path as me, and when I found that out you couldn't see us together next year I didn't know what to do. The little picture I had started drawing was completely wiped clean and I found myself standing alone not knowing what to do anymore. I don't understand how we got here and I just wish you would tell me what is happening to you and what caused you to see me differently now. You once told me you wanted to take me to Vegas, that you wished I was constantly with you, that I could wake up next to you, and that made me feel so special. Now you barely even hold my hand anymore and look at me like you're not attracted to me. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not smother you and give you time and space, but I find myself wanting more and more of your time, and you giving me less and less of it. I don't know whats changed, but my heart says its you. I want so much for you turn back into the David I fell for one year ago, but I don't think you are willing to change back. I've told you more than once what bothers me and what I wished you could do for me, but more and more I feel like you are deliberately ignoring me. More and more I find myself wondering if you are deliberately ignoring me so I will push you away and you won't feel so bad for breaking up with me. I do feel like we are drifting apart. I do feel the tension between us of trying to find something to talk about, and I don't know how to fix it. I just wish so very hard you could see what you are doing to me. That you're ambivilance is slowly but surely breaking me down. I miss you so much, and I hate what's happening to me. I just want so much for you to hold me and for me to feel loved again.

Phoenix Down x1

It's almost been a year since I've last wrote in here. Wow and Yikes at the same time. A lot has changed. A lot. I had to re-read my last few entries to see where I last left off. Longest most interestingest story short. I am dating super-crushes friend. Yup. We've been dating for just over a year now, and its pretty nostalgic reading these last few posts. Boy I really crushed on super crush didn't I. Anyways...... I am dating super crushes friend and it (for the most part) turned out pretty good. Except today was a pretty serious step-back. David used to spend so much time trying spend time with me. He would message me all the time, all day, asking me to sleep over. I actually remember at one point in time I told him I was worried we were spending too much time together too quickly. How ironic is it that now we are on the verge of calling it quits because he doesn't have enough time for me. I don't even know if what we decided to do was the right thing. I told David what was bothering me, that he has too many things on his plate and I wish he would focus on one thing instead of trying to make 6 things succeed at once. He told me he probably couldn't do that and that he didn't believe in what I was saying...... so why did we decide to try and work things out? I'm finding I'm re-asking myself that question again only just after a 2 hour conversation. Am I being silly hoping he will change? He told me I wasn't the first girl to mention to him that he was too busy for a relationship. The fact that they still aren't in that relationship says one thing right..... ? I'm just so taken aback right now because I thought I wanted to stay together and try and work through this, but maybe a part of me doesn't believe anything will change. I told Dave only time will tell if he will be able to prioritize, but I'm wondering if its even worthwhile to try....
I honestly think the hardest (and stupidest thing) about this is, I genuinely thought (think) that Dave was something different. I had never thought about the future with Mitch or Michael before and if I did it was completely blank. But when I thought about Dave I felt something was at least possible. And that is probably why it hurt so much when I asked Dave if he saw us together next year and he replied *I don't know* It felt like the wind was knocked out off me because I had basically sketched a fuzzy picture and then suddenly it had to be erased ! In the end, I told Dave I never expect to be #1 in his life (or anybody elses life) but I definately can't settle with being in last place and getting whatever is left behind. I definately didn't hear the answer that I was hoping to hear, but.... I guess time will tell. There was a lot of other stuff that I wanted to bring back up, but I have been told 'not to bring up the past' and just work on the present issue. So....I guess I hope things work out..... I dunno I mean thats not the entire story  summed up in a paragraph, but what do you guys think so far?

In other news, my oldest brother is FINALLY dating a girl (1st girlfriend at age 32 btw). It's kinda annoying because he has become compLETELY twitter-pated with her. He hasn't stayed at home in almost 3 months now. And my mom gets mad at me for sleeping over at Dave's for the weekend....
At the advice of Brendan I talked to  my doctor about my slight depression and he suggested I go talk to a therapist and that he thinks I might have Adjustment Disorder. I haven't told my family yet, or anyone actually except for Dave and Nomin.
Jessica and Pat are engaged.
I no longer work at Kingsway Mall and have a new Receptionist job at Connelly-Mckinley. I really really like it there and I feel useful again. I miss having the cash from waitressing, but its nice to have decent sized paycheques and to be able to afford things again.
My mom and dad opened up a restaraunt again in Fort McMurray so I won't expect them to move out to Edmonton anymore
My gramma got diagnosed with probably Alzheimer's Dementia and my grampa is considered legally blind.
AND i just renewed my library card and am going to horde up on nerdy comics.

Thats all for now I guess. Missed talking to you guys and unloading my stress ~

One Wish.....

....if I only had One Wish I wonder what I would wish for......

Sometimes I wish I had died 5 years ago. When I was the most depressed. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. So....I wouldn't have to put up with the things a Chinese Girl is expected to do. So I wouldn't be so inclined to gossip all the time. So I wasn't so weak and useless. Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I am now. I always pretend to be so happy and so cool and distant and uncaring and neutral....but. I'm not that happy, and I dont think I'm cool at all and if anything I worry more about people and what they think of me more than anything else in the world. I hate that because I'm so neutral and that I dont like talking about people I always become the middle man who everybody complains to. I hate that I, as a woman, will forever be inclined to gossip and what gossip does to people. Including me.
All it took today was one stupid little text message to ruin my day. Completely ruin it. I was in such a good mood to get lots done at the studio, and on the way there my co-worker sends me one little sentence and I just though, "why. why would you send me that and just ruin my day". We've been having a little bit of a problem with one of the girls at work and her not closing our system properly. She closes on Sunday. I open on Monday. The first time I let it slide. The second time I sent them a private message rather than post it in our journal for others to read. This monday it happened again and I was really really upset. I know she's leaving at the end of the month so I've always just been saying 'let it go. let it go. 2 more weeks' but I was really upset so I wrote it down in the journal and specifically said their names. And today my other co-worker sends me this message saying 'so and so is writing a long note regarding your message to them' And I just got really upset. Even on my fucking day off gossip gets to me. What benefit do I have from knowing this information. If anything its all I'm going to be worrying about is what this note says and that its most likely written to me. I HATE that all we do at work is just talk and talk and gossip. I try my best not to spread it because I know it benefits no one, but I'm working here so often that sometimes I do. And I dont like that I'm doing it. Just one stupid little message ruined my day, and it snowballed into me complaining to my best friend and Dave, and when they tried to cheer me up or give me advice it just made me even more upset because I felt like 1. she's never been in this situation before and 2. he's just saying that to make me feel better. And so, this stupid thing has been worrying me all day today. Fucking ridiculous isnt it? And to top it off, I just got mad at Dave for the stupidest thing because I'm still in a bad mood from worrying about what to expect at work tomorrow.

My heart is playing tricks on me......

Ack.
So.... I thought I was pretty over super crush and that he was just regular friend now....... Well.... maybe I should start from the beginning.....

So. I'm pretty sure I'm Super Crush's friend's Super Crush (got it?). Im not really attracted to him, but we get along really well..... and.... like its really easy to talk to him (which I have discovered is what happens to all guys that I don't find attractive but end up attracting) Well, anyways. So its weird awkward love triangle. First one I've ever been in!!! Okay okay, back on topic. So sometime last last week, during my 45 minute commute between jobs I was talking to SCF (super crush's friend) and we get on topic of bubble tea and how I haven't had one in forever. He asks me whats my favorite bubble tea and I say it depends where I am. He says Tea Cottage, and I say I think thats the one that has Ferrero Rocher Bubble Tea. But then I get to Ky and start my shift so I cant check my phone anymore....... mid way through the shift he shows up with a bubble tea for me !!! *aaaaaaaaw* And he says 'so.... they didnt have a Ferrero one, but I got you this chocolate one instead......' and I say to him 'hahaha you're so white-washed!!!' (yes yes I know a MILLION people have told me I am a jerk !!!!) And then he leaves I go back to work yadda yadda yadda. The next dayy (please keep in mind this guy usually sends me 10+ text msgs a day) I dont receive a SINGLE message from him. And i send him one right before bed saying 'are you okay? I haven't heard from you all day!' ......no reply...... Okay whatever. Next day.....same thing.... No Messages!!! And I'll be honest. I was pretty sad!!! It was weird. It's like..... you talk to somebody every day for a month and then one day they just dissappear. It made me really really sad, which I was not expecting! I started worrying that he got upset cuz I said he was whitewashed and realized how mean I was to him and decided to move on. And yeah so I started getting really paranoid!!!! I sent him one more msg asking if he was really okay, and he calls me back right away (but i'm at work and can't pick up) so he leaves a VM. I slightly panick because I think its him saying 'Fuck off already' ....... I finally get off work and listen and............. apparently he has sent me a gazillion messages but none of them have been going through. Geezus I almost cried. But, it was weird because I started to wonder if I was developing a ....crush?......feelings?.......something for him? o.O
Yah....so..... that happened, and then since then I've kinda seen him for lunch and the odd time out........ and..... so I was thinking.... maybe......? Well.... Thursday night we went out with a mutual friend and the 3 of us talked about a lot of stuff and she kept saying 'why arent you guys dating?!!' And... we just pretended not to hear it....... eventually after he drove everybody home, he dropped me off last and I said i'll probably see you tomorrow.
Now....here is where it gets weird. Tomorrow rolls around. And I'm getting ready to go to Vinyl. Because my phone still isn't able to receive texts from him, Super Crush texts me (because they are at vinyl together) saying 'your husband is wondering where you are'....... o.O That.... made me..... not angry...... but... I thought it sounded like super crush was a bit annoyed at me? So.... anyways I get to Vinyl and bump into a friend and we are talking and i turn around and there is Super Crush and co. coincedentially walking towards the bar. I wave I wave I wave. Then we go upstairs and have some drinks. Super Crush buys us some shots (including me). So..... I feel happy because I'm not crushing so hard on Super Crush anymore ! He is doing his usual rounds hunting for prey, I'm okay!! We dance a bit, I'm okay!! I ask him how the event went he says 'why dont you ask Dave?' ........... oh..... that felt a little hostile too..... but whatever right?.... So... anyways I'm dancing with his friend, he is back making his rounds. He comes back and says hes gonna take off. And gives his friends all hugs. I dont really like hugs so I just wave, and he waves back and leaves.....I'm okay!! Me and SCF are dancing..... aaaah like maybe closer than I would normally dance with him- dancing........ We're there for another hour or so an eventually we leave. I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk, because I felt fine, and was pretty clear headed.... And I hold his arm as he walks me to the car, opens the door for me, drives me home, etc etc. I go home, and I'm feeling pretty happy!
But then. I wake up the next day and my F-ing heart is being a giant douche. I start worrying about Super Crush for some stupid reason. I wonder if he was ever interested in me or not. I always just assumed he wasn't but.... when I think about some of the small things that he first said to me when we first met..... it confuses me. And it confuses me EVEN MORE if I think about dating his friend !!!! Because..... i obviously like Super Crush more than him. And..... like what 'IF' by some chance Super Crush was slightly interested in me, and then here I am dating his friend........ I just remember the very first night I met him face to face I asked why he woudln't dance with me and he said 'I knew Dave was interested in you too so......' .....oh noooooo. :(
*sob sob* So confused......but.......Well..... I guess I could be (and probably am) over analysing this and that Super Crush is not interested in me at all. But... now I feel (if possible) even worse about his friend because.... I feel like I'm ...... not being sincere to him??? I cant tell yet if I actually ACTUALLY like him or..... if i'm just enjoying the attention ...... or what......:( :(

When did I become so void.
All this time I thought I was just being passive but I never thought I was coming off as not caring. Shit. Whenever people ask me for advice....Id just tell them..... "It doesn't matter what I think, its your life". I just thought that it made sense. Who am I to give someone advice when I know nothing about them...... Arrrrrrgh. But now that I've been told that that reasoning 'lacks empathy' it makes me feel so bad. So. Bad. How the hell did this happen? I remember when Jess was at our place and she found out she had Cancer. And she sat on the couch and cried and I just..... I didn't know what to do. I sat in the kitchen....and I fucking didn't say anything. What is wrong with me. Aaaaaaaah. But I really don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes. Different circumstances make different outcomes. And.... and..... FUCK I'm just making up excuses again. Why do I doubt myself so much. My mind just freezes when I have to make decisions regarding life. Fuck fuck fuck. Why do I doubt myself so much. Why can't I just say yes or no, or this is what I think? I'm so fucking scared of what people think of me that I can't even make decisions for myself.
I'm sorry too for trying to be more than just friends. My heart tells me the truth but my mind keeps wandering. I thought I had it under control....but I guess I dont. So.... I'll try harder okay.

Edmonton Spring Classic Aftermath.

Hi Yo!

Does anybody like this dress?! I'm so proud of it. Hahaha. It won me 3rd place at the EDM Spring Classic. I almost cried I wasn't expecting it at all.

Aaaaanyways, a little explaination..... This pale pink strapless dress is the first dress from Parasol's Spring 2011 Collection. I was really inspired by the lace trim (which I picked up from New York). My designs are usually really flirty and girly and I felt this design embodied it really well. However, what I'm MOST proud about is....... this is the first garment where I silkscreened an image onto. I suppose you can't *really* see it, but its a hand drawn feather silkscreened onto the bottom right hand corner of the dress. I was SO happy how it turned out. Another thing I'm pretty happy about is how well the night turned out. Not gonna lie I was PRETTY nervous having to do interviews AND mingle with the crowd. Speaking is NOT my forte..... But, I musta did pretty well because I got 3rd place!! I'm also extra proud because I know 1st and 2nd place had a lot of friends there to vote for them....I suppose I did too, but I mingled really really REALLY well with complete strangers so I'm positive I got a lot of votes from unbiased people which makes me smile :) Sooooo happy. Hahahah, the only downside (if really even) is that after they told me I placed 3rd, they said 'Oh it was SO close, you lost 2nd place by ONE vote!!!' .....that was bittersweet. Hahaha......

And the second story I have for you tonight iiiiiiiis..... Super crush and I went for dinner tonight! Yaaaaaaay :) Hahahah. Eyeball roll I know I know. But anyways, I called him yesterday asking if he wanted to go for dinner at my friends new restaurant, and he thought for a bit then said 'sure, why not.' Didn't talk much after and then just hung up..... Wasn't really exited or anything so then I went to bed. 7 30 rolls around and I get a msg from him saying something came up and he couldn't make it for dinner anymore. I read the msg. Said 'why am I not surprised' to myself. Then went back to sleep. Hahaha secretly I wasnt surprised because its happened every single time we were supposed to meet up. so I wasn't THAT upset..... (maybe a teense because I did msg iris). But anyways, the day rolled by and I went to the studio to grade my dress. I failed miserably as I fell asleep :( Hahaha BUT, i was JOLTED awake by my cell ringing and it was super crush!!! Hahahaha. Apparently whatever he had to do fell through so he wanted to see if I still wanted to go out. UH YEAH! hahahah. So.... long story short we did end up going for dinner and it was pretty good! I didn't talk like a ditzy school girl and the staff and super crush got along really well. He ordered sake and totally tried to get me drunk!!!! Hahahah maaaaaaybe not..... but I did get red faced from drinking so fast....... but I'm pretty sure I stayed a lady !! And then. At the end of the meal........(wait for iiiiit)............ he paid for dinner! I was NOT expecting that. I actually was considering to pay for dinner since I still hadn't used my KY giftcard. But he brushed me off :( Yes, yes, I know he was just being friendly and he also clearly stated 'this isn't a date' as I also stated when we first sat at the sushi bar. Soooo it's nothing special. But.... I just didn't expect it at all since we always split the bill, and I thought it was really nice :) Hahaha, such a school girl :[

and oh btw, Brendan is totally left handed........

so overwhelmed

So. I'm not sure why I like sending you these but, I'm so overwhelmed right now.
I'm tired all the time, and I feel like I have so many things to do but dont have time to do them. I came home today after work and I started to get so frustrated because I started to clean up some clutter around the condo, and I just... everywhere I looked I wanted to cry. My brother makes me so angry sometimes. I've told him, there is food in the fridge heat it up. Does he? No. He'll order pizza and we have pizza boxes/take out piling up on the counter. Grandparents ask him to go over and pick up food/soup. He'll bring it home, but is too lazy to heat it up so it just stockpiles up in the fridge. There are probably 4 pails of soup in there right now. Huge pile of dishes in the sink. I've told him, sort out the junk mail downstairs dont bring it up here. Does he? No. He'll bring everything up here and put it on the shoerack till it piles up. I went through it just now and theres Bank/Insurance/Whatever letters in there for him from January! I sorted out all his letters from the junk mail and pushed them over to him to file or whatever. He got up. Left them on the floor. And went to bed. I just sat on the floor and cried. Its such small stuff, but like, why am I the one that has to do it. Aaaaaaaaall his bottles pile up on the countertop until I sort them and put them in bags, and then the bags will pile up until I tell him 'lets do the bottles'. I just feel like everybody expects so much of me. Grandparents dont bother to ask either of my brothers to.... bring them milk/eggs/take them to the doctors/anything because they are 'too busy'. So they just call me now, because if I dont do it no one will. When my parents come out to visit, my mom always pulls me aside and asks me 'is it a bother when we come out to see you guys? we miss you lots but it seems we are in your way everytime we visit?' And it breaks my heart everytime, But she never tells my brothers so I'm the only one who feels guilt ontop of guilt. I can tell my brothers everything, but at the same time I cant tell them anything because..... I dont think it really matters. Last week, I tried telling them about how upset I was with Michael. How, he's been calling me non-stop and his mom and how I'm trying to cut them outta my life. And I was saying how it was so hard because I've never had to do that before. And he just kept saying 'have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him? have you tried telling him?' I just couldn't explain enough how I've been trying to tell him for the past 6 months that hes been bothering me. And I tried to explain how Michael would always guilt me into feeling bad. I tried to tell my brothers how he told me the doctors put him on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and stuff and how.... I didn't know whether or not he was lying and whether or not I should be worried or angry or whatever, but... I got half the sentence out and then my brother stood up and turned to my grandparents and started asking them if wanted more tea like he wasn't even listening. And .......so in the end I just didn't tell anybody.
Did I mention I'm worried I'm not going to get my dresses done in time for the competition this Friday? Did I mention I'm worried my fabric isn't going to come in in time? Did I mention all I really really want is to just tell someone all these things, but am scared to?.......

Fantasizing about kisses

Hahaha yup, I was reading an article on google and just thought about how long its been...... :(

I'm not to sure what to write about in here today....... Just feel like its been a really long time. I didn't tell this story to anybody because I thought it was just me being a schoolgirl, so I'm just gonna put it on here. On monday Michael called me and I was kinda upset about what happened on CNY and his msg to me about drinking by himself again yadda yadda yadda. I didn't want to talk to him so I didn't answer his call. He calls again on Tuesday a few times. I was kinda getting annoyed. Aaaaaand of course the first thing that happens is I think to ask super crush what he thinks. I go online and hes online. Then I get the doubts and logoff quickly before I do something stupid. maybe like 45 minutes pass and Michael calls me again! I dont pick up and I say to myself *If Brendan is online I will ask him, if he is not, then so be it I'll call it quits* Obviously I go online, and hes not online. Ha-ha. Figures. So I sigh and say 'its a sign'........ Two minutes later I get a text msg from him....... yup. hhahah it really is a sign!!! Hahahaha yeah i know i know, I'm such a loser. Anyways he was just asking everyone for wings, and then I ask him about his exes and if hes ever had problems with them..... Long story short he eventually calls me and we talk for a bit and he tells me I really need to stop talking to Michael and his mom as they are causing more grief for me and I'm already emo enough. (yup, he said I was emo !) Hahaha.... :(

And THEN, I think that I'm turning into someones super crush...... no joke. I've been talking to Dave a lot lately and I *think* he is having a crush on me..... but I could be wrong. I've been going out to some clubs with him lately. sometimes I worry I'm leading the guy on but I dont know what I'm doing I swear!! I dont think I'm attracted to him, but I like that hes really funny. I actually like that all Brendan and Dave's friends are funny. But I gotta be careful about unintentionally hitting on him...... as I think I might be doing...... Le Sigh, why can't it be the other way around :( :( :(

Happy Chinese New Year !

恭喜发财，新年快乐，心想事情。

Mmmm yup, Happy Chinese New Years sports fans. I know its been a tiny while since I've written here. But just wanted to give a quick update. Am still single..... Hahaha that is all. But yah, my mom told me this year is supposed to be a really bad year for us Oxen. Normally that wouldn't worry me except she actually pullled me aside to point out my horoscope and specifically pointed to the part on Love. But either or. Love, Finance and Life in general seem to be taking a nose dive D:

Not like I really really believe it but yah. Anyways today we went to (our last?) CNY Banquet. It was probably the least entertaining one that we've ever gone too. I asked Brendan to come but..... long story short he did not. I was kinda sad, but whatever, friends over crush right. And then, mid way through dinner he calls me and says they are all going to Vinyl and I should meet up with them later, so I say okay depends what time we finish at Mirama. Dave texts me the same thing. I'm talking to Dave throughout the banquet. And it sounds like the rest of my gang is game for going to Vinyl as well. I'm pretty pumped! Tralala dinner finishes and we all agree to head over to Vinyl. We go to Tara's place to drop off some stuff, and F-ing everybody starts to bail. One person says they dont wanna go, so then the other person says, OH if your not going then I dont wanna go. Which results in, OH. WELL if so and so isn't going then I dont wanna go either. So.... other long story short, originally 6 girls were gonna come. Then nobody. I was so pissed off. I just ended up saying to Tara just us were gonna go. So we did. And as we're leaving the house Dave txts me and says Vinyl is packed and they are just going to Red Star for drinks then Buffalo after. I am confused and call Dave, who doesn't answer. So I call Brendan and as him where he is and he says *I'm in the club where do you think I am* and hangs up..... Was SUPER pissed at that. So then Dave calls me back and tells me to go to Red Star which me and Tara go to. Right before we go inside Brendan calls me back and is cussing up a storm to me about how wherever he is is F-ing awesome and how no one can make up their F-ing minds. And really. I JUST got there and didn't know what the fuck was going on either so I didn't understand why he was complaining to me. So i just say to him *stop yelling at me please, stop yelling at me stop yelling at me* and then he just hangs up again..... Yeah needless to say I was pretty upset. Jerk. :( :( :(
But ANYWWAYS, we actually ended up having a pretty good time. Met some of Dave's other friends who are all equally HILARIOUS. Fuck I laughed so hard after Buffalo. aaaaah Blue Waffle..... *sigh* I'm kinda sad that I dont have friends that make me laugh that hard..... :(

Its kinda weird....

no scratch that its TOTALLY weird being friends with someone you have a crush on. Its never happened in this order before you know. Usually I have no feelings for a guy friend and they slowly develop.....which I always thought was how the best relationships develop....from friendship you know..... But anyways back on topic. So yah, I've never had a crush on somebody and then that turned into friendship...... and its weird especially with them being okay with it...... you know..... Usually they're like *fuck off you're annoying* and that makes me extra extra sad. But this ones just ha-ha/I dont care lets party..... So it throws me off......no?

I'm such a silly girl sometimes

Such a stupid silly girl with such a stupid silly heart.

Confused

but not really....?
So I guess I'm semi-confused. Hahaha. Well.... I guess the cold turkey *kinda* worked. It worked in that I haven't snooped super crushes' FB page since he left. It didn't work in that I still call him super crush.
Anyways, Happy New Year !! Has anyone ever noticed how this blog varies between rant blog and stalker diary? I wonder which half you guys find more interesting.....Okay, well todays entry will be about super crush. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot call him anything else besides super crush, because everyone has come to know him by that name. Him being gone 10 days kinda did help though. I'm not crushing on him as insanely now. But still laugh hysterically after he calls me. Which he totally did! He called me on..... Wednesday to see if I wanted to go for wings with him and his friends again. And when I asked him *right now?!!* he said *yes, I'll come pick you up right now!* But I was in Clareview baking cookies so I did not go. I did however ask him what he was doing for NYE and said if he was going to Daves to give me a call before he went and maybe Id go. So then yah, end of phone call. I hang up and run and give Grace a big hug. Run and give my mom a big hug. And start laughing hysterically. Everyboddy obviously thinks I'm possessed. Yadda yadda, dont talk to him till NYE night. We are all at Vinyl, I've had a few drinks, am slightly red. Still no call from super crush.....So I finally suck it up and send him a msg asking if he's still going to Daves. He msgs me back saying he's already there....... D: D: D: So by that time it was like a bit after 1. And I'm debating if I should still cab it up there. Debating debating debating. Its pretty far north, so I'm thinking $30+? Is it worth it? Ah its just money I can make it back again..... but how desperate does that sound? Not desperate at all I know more than just one person there! I send super crush one final text asking whats the addy. To which he sends it to me. And finally at 1 30 I decide...........no I will not go. It really is kinda far, and $30 just to see a guy. And also, if he really was even the slightest bit intererested he woulda called me right. So yeaaaaah, I didn't go. Everyone called it quits at Vinyl around quarter to 2pm and I just walked home from there. Dont message him back and say instead, if he messages me back then maybe I'll do something..... and ......he messages me back! hahahahahah. Nothing special, he just tells me hes leaving the party now but theres still lots of people. PHEW! good thing I didn't decide to go otherwise I woulda spent 30 bucks on a cab and not even seen him!! Hahaha so then, I tell him *I decided to not go, since it was too far* and then I have a brainstorm and ask him if he wants to get something to eat with me!! I was lying in bed with my phone on my chest so I wouldn't fall asleep hahah so lame I know but I was so excited too. 5 mintues later he calls me and asks where do I want to go eat. *SUCCESS!!!!* hahaha I said "yay! I'm excited" and he laughed. So he comes DT and picks me up and we go to Denny's. Talk about random stuff, I laugh at him as he checks out other girls. And he is very NOT inconspicuous about it at all. Breakin my Heart, but I figure whatever we are just friends. He tells me Empire sucked cuz he couldn't get in and I laugh and say Vinyl was awesome, no wait or anything. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh yah, he didn't shave today, he actually looks.....mmm kinda debating on it still but I think he looks better not shaving for a few days. So then, we get the bill and pay Marylou and call it a day/night and he drives me home. I'm getting out of the car and say bye/thanks and he says to me......he says to me......*nice outfit tonight* I have no idea why but i totally didn't register it as a compliment till this morning. Agh. I'm so dumb...... but so Yeah, now that its registered..... It makes me wonder a teense. A TEENSE.

Impossible.

It's impossible I tell you to stay friends with exes. I dont know how you do it. So much stupid F-ing drama. Ex has been calling me non stop. I want to slit my fucking wrists over how frustrating it is talking to him. I THOUGHT we had all worked out the last argument to tide it over till New Years. Guess I shoulda known better. He sends me a text today saying to give him a call if I have time because he wants to apologize over yesterday. And like....he's said sorry to me SO MANY times that really I could care less whether or not he says it. So. I get off work, dont really want to talk to him so i just send him a text saying I'm home now. It is a bit after 10pm. He calls me, and I can hear partying in the BG. He's probably drinking, okay whatever. He asks if he can call me later, and I ask him if we can talk in the morning. He says yes and hangs up. I really really REALLY dont like talking to him when he's drunk because we always get into arguments because everything is just in one ear out the other. Another reason I don't want to get back together with him is because I've realized how much of a language barrier we had thus causing misunderstandings. Anyways. maybe he wasn't drunk and I was being a jerk, but 90% of the time when he calls me at this time of night he has been drinking. So i have reason to be defensive. Anyways 30 mintues roll around he calls me again. "I'm not drunk, I just want to talk to you and apologize for last night and say sorry and explain myself" And I just say, Look, I really dont want to talk right now okay I still have lots of presents to wrap and stuff. I'll call you tomorrow morning. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow" Hangs up. 11 30 rolls around. Calls me again. I am super pissed off now. "Why dont you trust me? You always think I am drunk, I'm not drunk right now, I just want to say I'm sorry for last night its my fault. I want to tell you I understand that you only want to be friends, but I want to tell you that I will always ALWAYS be waiting for you, you are always my first option" ........ and......so this is what happens at least once a month okay. And obviously I semi freak out. What would EVER make you think that I dont trust you? The fact that you call me once a month piss drunk telling me how much you miss me your going to wait for me for the rest of your life. The fact that YOU KNOW hearing that makes me angry and you STILL dont respect me enough to listen. The fact that GUARANTEED the next day you will call me and say you are sorry for calling me last night and that you were drunk and it wont happen again? HMMMM I wonder why I dont trust you. So I tell him all this and he's calling me immature for not trusting him and for being so mean and I just keep telling him 'please, I dont want to talk to you right now can we talk tomorrow morining' and he SWEARS he isn't drunk, and maybe he isn't and maybe I was being a jerk, but like I said 90% of the time he is. So... so I'm just listening, being my mean defensive self saying 'yup yup, okay, uh huh right' I just, I CANNOT have a conversation with him when hes like that because no matter what I say he tells me CALM DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME. So he calls me childish for not taking him seriously and I just keep on repeating *I dont want to talk right now I will call you in the morning* NO NO you wont, you dont even consider me a friend right now, you wont call me its always me who calls you. And I just want to blow my fucking brains out at this point in time. And this goes on for like another 20 mintues. (Why didn't I hang up? I dont fucking know why) Like, hes done nothing to prove to me that I should get back together with him. When we were dating he told me. HE. told. ME. I never asked him to change anything but HE promised ME that he would quit smoking, drinking and gambling. He never kept any of those promises. Whenever we go out for dinner or lunch, he still chain smokes and drinks even more than before. I just... what reason could I possibly have for getting back in a relationship with you when nothing has changed. I feel so stupid for being so hung up over him this past year too. Ugh. So, anyways I'm still telling him, Do you know why I think your drunk? Because you never call me at this time of night unless you are drunk. You have called me 3 times in the past hour. Since then I have asked you TEN times now can we talk in the morning and you are not letting it go, that is how I know you are drunk. So PLEASE, I really want to go now we can talk in the morning......... "No you are being selfish you only......" And that is as far as I got. I got so SO SO angry that I threw my phone down and screamed and just......I just broke down. It only lasted like a minute but for that minute I couldn't breath I coudln't think I didn't know what to do and all all ALL I wanted to do was hurt myself. I just.... after I snapped out of it, it was really scary because its been years since that's last happened and it was just really upsetting because it brought back bad memories. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, you have no idea how upset I was that that happened tonight and that it only happened because my ex wouldn't listen to the one thing I wanted him to do. Again. Blaaaah.

This is for you.

This entry I wanted to write to you, but since I'm trying to stop liking you I'll just post it here instead. *weak smile*

So. I had a fairly bad day today.... like a 5 outta 10. Last day of work today for the entire week until next Monday. I'm so burnt out I fell asleep on the bus yesterday.....standing up. So anyways, working working working, then I get a call from my supervisor asking me to stay an extra 3 hours because one of the girls couldn't come in to work.... Bummer. So here I'm going on 9 hours, getting a slight headache. ALMOST time to go home when I get another text from that same girl who called in sick today to cover her shift tomorrow too. KW is totally understaffed right now and I really really dont want to work tomorrow, but I kinda need the money, and I kinda feel bad because I know if I dont work it no one else will. Headache worsens. 7pm finally rolls around and I'm dying to get off. Fuckin brown girl I dont know where the hell she is but she went to go to the bathroom and has been MIA for the past 30 mintues. ugh. Then I get a text from my ex. So....today is Wednesday. I had dinner with him on Monday because he just finished helping me move stuff into my studio. We're talking and he asks me what my family is doing on Christmas, and I say we are having the usual big family dinner. He asks me if he can come. I say 'if you want....' (maybe I shouldn'tve said that....but I felt bad because I knew he would be spending xmas by himself.....) But anyways i tell him if he is goig to be spending xmas alone, then just come over. And he says *your parents wont mind?* and i say *why would they mind?* Then I worry that he is starting to think I'm leading him on or somethig and I say *but....you know I'm just asking you over as a friend right, I mean this doesn't change anything.....* so then.... thats the end of dinner. He walks me to the train station and before I leave he asks me for a hug.... and I say .........I'll give him one on christmas. (I dont want to hug him because A. I dont like hugs and B. last time I hugged him he tried to kiss me) Anyways I go home, end of story..........or so I think. The message I get is a paragraph of him telling me he is going to move to Saskatoon because he has nothing left in Edmonton. He has nothing but bad memories anymore and how he can tell I dont have feelings for him anymore, how he means nothing to me........fuuuuuuuuuuck me. I wanted to blow my brains out when I read that. I just thought.... WTF do you want me to say. Yes come over for dinner. No dont come over for dinner?!?! what the fuck else is left. Either answer woulda provoked this response!! So I called him and was like. what do you want me to say, its lose-lose no matter what I say. Goddamnit. And hes like, You dont even wanna see me anymore or talk to me, I am just going to say good bye now, you never have to hear from me again. And I just start bawling in the middle of the mall.. I say to him 'You say this to me ever week. You call me every 2 weeks piss drunk, and you say that you are never going to call me again, good bye good bye good bye. That means nothing to me, how do I take you seriously anymore??? And he says *no this time I am serious, I'm going to disappear. Good Bye* and I wait, and he doesn't hang up, and I just laugh. Fuck geezus. How do you manage having so many exes? Anyways, in the end he apologizes for the millionth time, still means nothing to me, and he says 'we are still friends right' to which I say yes, and then call it a day. Ugh..... I dnot even know why I still lose tears over this guy.

Followed by the sound of a soft heart breaking......

hahahah I'm so dramatic sometimes. I dont even know why.
Hahaha, well. I guess since I'm writing a lot of "hahaha's" it means I'm not really THAT sad .... but kinda am. I dunno bittersweet I guess. Not like Shane crushed my heart sad, but still sad in the heart sad......mostly because I'm probably coming to this realization on my own. Hahahah... (i keep on laughing I dont know why) Anyways, I am 99% sure super crush is not interested. (The 1% is just my wishful thinking) I probably knew that a while back ago but what can I say, I like to be in denial. He's just too friendly I think. And you know how not good I am at reading guys. I always think they might mean something else. What has brought me to this conclusion? Oh that he still hits on other girls when I'm around, that he still regularly updates POF, that he goes on dates every week.... Hahahaha. I is so sad D: Its just weird because like, I guess he thinks I'm an okay friend so we talk about the most random stuff and like, I dont feel awkward or under any type of pressure when I talk to him. Its just very at ease that he doesn't care about what I know and dont know. anyways. I've been saying this for the past week now but I'm really gonna make the effort to move on from super crush now okay. And since hes goin' outta town for the next 10 days it'll be like cold turkey so I'm gonna need someones hand to hold on to!!

..........But before that happens I would like to record my last few happy times with super crush. I am contradicting the hell outta myself right now but I'm weening okay D: Anyways. Monday...or Tuesday night, cant remember. I was opening at KY and as my shift ends I check my phone and low and behold Brendan has send me (and probably 8 other ppl) a random message asking to join him and his friend for wings. Hahaha obviously I start laughing hysterically and my coworkers laugh at me because I'm crushing so hard. So I meet up with him and his friend and just talk randomly (they talk, I watch and eat....) I tell them about how all Chinese people think I'm too whitewashed to understand chinese and say I am fat. He laughs hysterically. D: Later on that week me Nomin and Tara make plans to go out/party/drink because I magically have the Friday night off. I ask Brendan the day before if he wants to come out with Nomin and I, but since I'm not sure where we are going he doesn't reply. Anyways. Friday rolls around and Nomin and I are walking to Tara's and he messages me! hahaha if I wasn't in the liquorstore in public I woulda laughed hysterically again. I end up inviting him over to Tara's place for drinks to which he actually comes! Shocking I know. So Tara and Nomin and I are kiiiinda tipsy when he comes. I am embarrassingly red. We just end up telling random stories. Punching dykes in the back of the head..... creepy Spanish man at OilCity. Eventually we end up going with him to meet up with Dave and his other friends at a bar on Whyte. Throughout the night Nomin gets kicked out of the bar, and while I'm helping her catch a cab, Tara decides to call it quits too but since my jacket is still inside I end up staying at the bar alone with super crush and his friends. (Oh yah his friends were all making fun of him because he was on the prowl that night for ladies. They laughed. I cried!) Later, we all go to Humpty's (thank god I did not throw up from drinking) and all his friends are just talking random talking. So funny and So random. His friends are so casual I could cry. No bitching or complaining and just making fun of each other. Which I enjoyed as well, and (I suppose it coulda been the alchohol) but I didn't feel like I was gonna have an anxiety attack or anything, it was quite pleasant! Anyways, I dont eat my food cuz it tastes funny, he eats most of it. Then drives me home. We talk a bit, and I'm super tired from being up almost 24 hours/drinking but am really happy. Hahaha. He doesn't wait for me to get in my building before he drives away. Next day, I'm still pretty happy because I had a good night with brendan and his friends. Nothing embarrassing, didn't cry or anything! Again, later in the day he randomly messages me laughing at the drunken text I sent him on the dance floor. (its the random messaging that throws me off I think) so we talk on and off throughout the day, until right before I head to KY he tells me hes got a date on Sunday. :( I tell him I'm jealous and he says he has no sympathy and I should message more guys on PoF. That makes me sadder. :( :( So. I get kinda defensive and tell him I I dunno.... I tell him its easier to say than it is to do, to just jump in and meet people. I dunno why I was able to do it with him, but I feel like I am going to have a heart attack whenever I go to message someone else on POF. That and all the times I chanced it with other guy's and've had my heart broken. Craig, Mitch, Shane, Michael...... I mean, thats gotta do soemthing to a girl right? I've said it before and I'll say it again, getting left behind so much makes me feel like I'm not worth coming back for, you know. (you guys are saying ONLY FOUR GUYS?! but it really hurt okay) So anyways I tell him that and he says *thats unfortunate that you've lost empathy do you being unable to predict/tell untruths* I was working at the time and I thought if I talked about it anymore I was gonna cry so I just stopped msging..... Even though I know it, it hurts 10x more when someone else says it to you. So yeah I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night, and was kinda sad. Saturday finishes, Sunday family goes for dimsum. I get called in to work at KY. And I remember Brendan said he had a date tonight. This is going to be the meanest thing I've said in a while but, close to midnight Im on FB and I see he has commented on his status as *This date is painful*..................I was so Happy!!!! Hahahahaha...... D: Sooooo I end up sending him a msg bugging him about his date. And his reply was. "She ordered juice, Corinna, juice @ 10pm!" Aaaaaaah I was laughing about that for the entire day.... hahaha............. And then I went and had dinner with Michael and invited him to have dinner with my family on Christmas....... aaaaaaaaargh

Okay cold turkey. Commence.....now.

Effervescence

It just took me 25+ mintues to think of a fancy word to use as my title.........

Sometimes I think its funny how people ask for advice even though they've already decided and just want you to say what they want to hear!

Anyways, sometimes I think I am going to be single forever. Or that I just have INCREDIBLY bad luck/timing. :( Craig is the first case in my defense. Didn't he ask me a few times when he was still in my life to go over to his place for dinner, but he would always ask me on the ONLY day where I had a lab or something I couldn't get out of. (wow I haven't talked about craig in a long time! Hahaha, I still randomly think about you/wonder where you are and what your doing/ if your okay......) yeah, and it happened on more than one occassion. When I was trying to woo him he was seeing somebody and when he tried to ask me out I was seeing Mitch. F-ing Mitch.....
Sometimes I feel like this bad timing is happening with Brendan too. (I suppose there is the possibility that its not bad luck and its just him saying no.......) Hahaha we'll either or. I think the first time was when I asked him to come to the staff party. He leaves for vacation the day of the staff party and couldn't go. (I also suppose he kinda said no because of the whole hitting on my cuter coworkers/being awkward......) the 2nd time was few days later when he asked me to go to his sister's Bday dinner. *sob sob* that one really REALLY hurt. Obviously/ironically I decided to go to Vancouver that week and couldn't go. Today, I really wanted to go to Gaya and I figured he woulda been at the U studying. So I asked him if he was there and/or wanted to go for dinner. Obviously, the day I ask is the day he's not there. Yeaaaaaah, I asked him if he wanted to go anyways, and he suggested Vietnamese instead............ and then he called me and said he probably shouldn't go because he had to study for a big test tmo....... I was having such a good day I SWEAR I woulda caught him *sigh*
Anyways, you know, now that I've written this out it kinda feels like hes just saying no and its not bad luck..... *sob sob sob* anyways, I suppose I'll just continue to have this silly crush on him till it transfers to someone else. So yah....hopefully I'll meet this someone else soon before I get my heart mashed into a bloody pulp again. :( why do I crush so hard !!

Note to self. Someone's always got it worse than you.

Ugh. I'm going through a major crash right now. Stupid weekends always do this to me. Had a really less than average week this week and I feel really stressed. Theres just so much stuff I have to/want to/ need to/ am being told to do. And I'm having a lot of trouble prioritizing whats most important right now. Trying to set up the new studio is KILLING ME. All my stuff is just in the corner on the floor as I'm trying to get tables and shelves and stuff moved in. Trying to find some stuff on Kijiji, but everytime I find something I can't find anyone to help me move it in. I got yelled at by some guy on Kijiji the other day because I coudn't get a hold of anyone with a car to pick it up. KW was crazy busy on friday and of course I had double shift and KY was equally busy. I was so tired at the secret santa party it was like, eat-pictures-leave. ugh. And then Saturday, Michael called me while he was drinking again. I dont even wanna go into that conversation. He sent me a text this afternoon apologizing.....And then ugh....this week has just been so bringing me down. I just feel like people think I'm stronger than I really am. And I dont know when to say Help Me or I Can't Take Anymore. My mind is thinking about eight hundred and twelve things and I just dont know what I should be feeling. Why am I feeling sad, am I supposed to be feeling this way, Am I just bringing myself down right now? what the hell.

I actually think I know one of the main branches to this problem. And that would be because of that whole having a crush who doesn't like you scenario again. Damn you. Always happens, and as much as I think its not, I know it is. Who the hell am I trying to impress. I never used FB this much before I met him so like what the hell am I doing with all these status updates? Who really cares? He'll never think of you as anything more than just a friend so stop trying to get his attention all the time, thinking so much, worrying so much. Ack. I'm so stupid sometimes. Why does this always happen to me? Falling for the most inappropriate guys all the time. I mean, I always gotta like the ones that are so different and uncaring, exactly what I dont need, and I just tell myself, 'no no, this is good, he's so different its like opposites attracting, we can learn so much from each other' But who am I trying to fool? Obviously myself.

So. I guess, all I'm telling myself right now. Is to just. Stop.

when worlds come crashing down

what will you do then?

feeling kinda sad today. Just started going downhill after work. *sigh* Stupid KW and all this goddamn drama/gossip/bs. I'm going to sound like a such a contradiction, but I hate gossip and the drama it brings. I dont like gossiping really, but its impossible to get away from it at the kiosk. One of the reasons I didnt wanna go to the staff party was because I knew it'd be all jolly happy ha-ha there, but the second everybody left they'd start talking about each other behind there backs. So anyways, I was getting the cold shoulder today from one of my coworkers because I had told the other girls something that 'wasn't supposed to be said'. I just....I just....UGH don't people have anything better to do than just talk about things people tell them? It was like a whole he said that she said that you said..... fucking jesus. Like, I didn't even really care when she said bye to everyone else but me, but later on I started to get really upset. I mean, the stuff that she tells me she always says *dont tell anyone okay* but I already know that everyone probably already knows and shes also told them 'not to tell anyone'. So like, yeah I guess it was noisy of me to tell my co workers that, but if she didn't want anyone to know, or is ashamed or whatever, then why do it, why ask me what I think. It obviously bothered you so much that you didn't want anyone to know, so why ask me for my opinion. You knew what I would say, you know what everyone else is gonna say so like....why? fuck man.
And then, after work I started getting sad because....I got my studio now but I cant get any furniture for it. I need some tables and a shelf and I'm trying trying trying TRYING to get someone to help me move stuff into the studio so I can start working and everyone is just super busy. And I feel so useless. SO. USELESS. Sitting at home getting yelled at by people for not coming to pick things up and it just makes me more and more sad.
Ugh. Its days like today that makes me hope I die soon. I have such little faith in society and I certainly dont want to have to live another 60 years here.

What goes up....

.....must come down.

Sorry about the slightly negative sounding title. I've actually been having a really good past few days since coming back from BC. The guy I like has been talking to me a lot more lately, which is kinda unexpected. Ha-ha. I mean I really enjoy it, but I'm not sure if its just cause he thinks I'm an 'interesting friend' or whatnot...... *sigh*..... I remember few years ago Jeff told me that I give off mixed signals and 'signs' that I'm uninterested in guys (when in reality I am) and what bothers me is that I have no idea how to take down these said signs. I wonder what guys are thinking and what guys mean when they say certain stuff. Mmmm, like the first one was.... when he msged me that one nite when I was in vancouver and I asked him to the staff party. He said something like 'oh no thx all KY has is old ladies. Well and you' ......means nothing right? And then same conversation, he said it would be awkward having him hit on my coworkers especially considering how we met. That one sounds like he's not interested at all to me. But then, the next day I get a msg from him asking if I want to go to a party with him and his buddy's (keep in mind he's never asked me to do anything before) and I was kinda happy because it seemed 'slightly interested' And then, he texted me randomly few days ago and that just started up a mini chat/conversation which led to him offering to drive me home after work, which I messed up :( But like, sometimes the conversations we have seem more like 'just friends'. Like, he'll tell me about girls he's interested in yadda yadda yadda.......I guess, it doesn't help that I always pull that *too cool* card. Like he'll say something about a girl and I'll say *yeah shes cute* but in reality I'm kinda sad he didn't say *you're cute*....... ha-ha :( But then, the next day, after not talking to him the whole day, he sends me a msg around the time Id normally get off at KY asking 'need a ride today?' ....that sounds like hes interested right? But then.... he always brings up pof and if I've met any new guys or whatnot.... I feel like hes telling me to keep trying!! And then the last thing was today, he was on lunch break and swung by to talk to me. But for a longer than usual time. I had my lunch break too, so we kinda walked around and gossiped before he left........
Aaaah I dunno. I think I just have such a crush on him and am therefore overthinking too much. Either he knows I like him and he just wants to be friends, or he thinks I'm not interested and is just being friends. D: Aaaaah, I'm positive its the former, but still so confusing :(

poooooo :(

someone likes messing around with me don't they?

sigh. such a bittersweet week last few days i have been having. Remember super crush? Of course you do, all my entries for the past few months have been about super crush. Well anyways, remember how I was saying hes never 'initated contact'? Yeah, it was always me starting up the conversations. Everyone at KW was saying 'i dont think he's interested.....' and I probably knew they were telling the truth, but I still have a pretty big crush on him. So anyways I kinda just let it be, I msg him every so often to chat nothing serious. But, while I was in Vancouver, he msged me randomly on FB. Just random conversation, and I decided to ask him/see if he wanted to come to KY's staff party. Hahaha obviously he couldn't come because he had other plans already. So yeah can't say I didn't try right! Yadda yadda, fast forward a few days. I'm at C's checking my email and....what the... theres an email from super crush..... and....he asked me to come hang out with his friends at a party...... hahahah you guys have no idea how pleased I was when I read that email. I screamed and called I over ro read it and then gave her a hug, I was so happy. Hahaha I sound so lame right now I know but really it was the LAST thing I was expecting. but anyways, since I was out of town I coudln't make it either..... *sigh* .......*siiiiiiiiiigh* Such bad timing D:
So anyways, fastforward few more days. Im back in town now and I'm talking to super crush on FB and he says hes gonna call cuz hes too lazy to type. (I suppose whenever we talk on the phone hes always the one that calls me......) so then we're talking he asks me how POF is, I say same ol same ol. (not interested if hes asking me that right?) Anyways, I still like talking to him just cuz he does lots of talking.....tells me stories that make me laugh... hahaha..... well that night we talked till like 2am about random stuff, and hes got class tmo I feel happy that he stayed up to chat. Anyways nothing serious as usual. He says bye, I say bye, we hang up.
Now, TODAY. I am at KY just starting my shift. It is supah slow so I go to check my phone and super crush has texted me! Just a random funny story. I laugh, and msg him back. So its kinda back and fourth texting. I'm cashing out and he sends me *if I dont reply its because my phone died* and I reply *hahah np. I'm heading home now so if I dont reply its because I am getting mugged* (testing to see what he'll say) He says *I'm at the library right now if you want a ride? holy shit! hahahah i was hoping hed ask but I didnt think he would!! So then I kinda hint at yes, and then I start walking to campus. I ask where he wants to meet, but..... he doesnt' reply..... I wait a bit, then walk to the library but its already closed....... yeah figures right. I have the worst luck. His phone probably died and he just went home. So, I just head to the lrt and take the train home, feeling kinda sad. I get home, have some dinner. 10 minutes later he calls me saying *it sure is taking you a long time to get here?* and i'm like *.........ohno......i'm home already......* and then he says oh okay thats fine. bye *hangs up* Oh my god, I felt so bad. I just assumed, with the luck that I have theres no way a guys gonna wait for me hes just gonna call it a day and go home right? But of course not, its gotta go the exact opposite of what I think. Fuuuuuuuuck. I thought he was so angry because he waited for so long. *sob sob sob sob* Why do I have SUCH bad luck? D: D: D: Anyways, I sent him a msg later apologizing but he told me not to worry about it and he said he was more worried than angry, so that made me feel better. Ha-ha...... *sigh* I cant believe I stood super crush up........

Said the bumble bee to the porcupine

Hey. I actually felt really good today. Like a small amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders or something, even though nothing really happened. Well I suppose nothing "productive" happened. Someone up and called me out of the blue yesterday and talked for a little bit. He asked about my FB status which I was kinda surprised about. Haha, anways, apparently he was having some slight relationship problems so he wanted to hear about someone else's problems for a change. (He really only ended up telling me about his problem but whatever)

Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the face

Hi Sports Fans!

Anyways, so I've been semi worrying lately that I need a fourth job......I feel like I'm not working enough/ making enough money. My 2 jobs at KW & KY combined dont even give me full time hours so I worry about how am I supposed to pay for rent, pay for my studio, pay for groceries, pay for supplies and fabric etc etc. I mean, how is it now that I'm needing a job to pay for whats supposed to be my job for the rest of my life? I worry if I'm on the right path or not and if I'm wasting my time chasing a design career. I always always believed that as long as I could wake up happy and wanting to go to work it woudn't matter how much I was making. Sanity is much more important than wealth.....or so I believed. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes realizing that I've spent 6+ years in school and I'm still waitressing. (and I'm not even happy there....) My nursing friends sometimes make more in a week than I do in a month and I wonder if 1/2/5 years from now I'll still be okay with that......
I mean, when I have time to design/draft/sew I love it, but I wonder if I'm capable of making a living do it......Did I waste another year in school chasing another fairy tale dream?....And The real sad thing is, the second I started having these thoughts I immediately thought about going back to school. I didn't even wanna attempt to see if I could do it.....I just looked for the next escape. I'm so scared of failure sometimes it makes me wanna vomit. Blaaaaaaah......

I know I know I just worry too much about other people and what pthey think, I should focus on what I want yadda yadda. But just in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, sometimes your mind gets the best of you......


Does that make sense? I feel like it kinda doesn't but yeah....

Anyways I gotta go to bed now. I somehow managed to rack it up to 4am again. *sob sob*

I feel very sad today

...yes I do. I woke up super early to get the keys for the new studio. Shoulda been so pumped. I sewed for an hour after then came home and slept for a couple. Just woke up and I totally recognize this feeling. The one I hate to have. I just....my mind is really clear right now, but my chest.....my heart feels really sad. I dunno. I dunno. I'm really tired, and I really really REALLY dont want to go to work today. I dont feel like being very social, and I kinda just wanna stay at the studio and sew. Ugh. I suppose I knew this one was coming. Having to much of an up period means it was bound to come down. So lonely sometimes. I guess .... yeah I'm pretty lonely. Meeting too many new people has its ups and downs. The downs being when your feelings aren't returned. I just want someone to hold my hand and give me a hug every once in a while is that too much to ask?

Russian Tea Room/ HBD

25 years old doesn't feel very different from 24 years old doesn't feel very different from 23 years old.....

But anyways so yah its my bday today!....well it was its 1 52AM now so I suppose it was my birthday. Switched shifts so I had today off and get to work Halloween. I went to get my palm read today. $60 bucks which nwo that I think about it was kinda pricy, but whatever, once a year. Anyways, the people at RTR were scarily accurate. I got a tarot reading and palm reading. The first 3 cards the lady drew she said to me *oh my god, you are working too much you have a lot of stress and burdens on your shoulder....a lot from work yes problems at work. Where do you work at?* Then I said I work at KY, KW and sew pt as well...... (the lady who read lings palms told her 'your good with your hands and are very caring, are you a nurse?') Um....fuck I already forgetting what she told me. She said my mom might have some minor health issues, especially in her neather regions. My moms side of the family, possibly my Gramma will also have some minor health issues. One of my brothers, the more *charming* one will be having a relationship soon. One of my friends will be having boy problems and end it with a bf shes been on and offing it again (chanda holy crap that was fast) Um....she said I was going to go on a trip in the near future (i laughed because I'm going to vancouver end of November) She said I'll do a lot of travelling and she sees a major move in the next few years. Like a permanent move. Um....the 3 questions I asked were #1 about the guy I like right now. I asked if it was worthwile to pursue or is it just a random guy in my life I shoudn't worry about. She said if it develops it will be nice relationship. He is very mature and has good relationship with his family but a little tiny drift between the father. Then I asked about my work, if I was on the right path or not. And she said *it will work out, but thats all, it will just *just* work out. You won't make it big but you'll just get by*. She also said I would probably be going back to school maybe come September. (Totally weird because I've been thinking about taking up Massage Therapy a lot recently.) Um so yah, she said if I move it will be better for my career. Something to do about going South for lots of inspiration. Um...and then for the 3rd question I coudln't think of anything so I just asked about my health. She said I'm in very good health, but I'll probably be getting some back problems down the line (if by down the line she means now then yes she is also correct there!) Relationship-wise she said I should expect to meet someone withing the next 6months... something about February I think. He will be very mature with brown or dark blonde hair and brown eyes.... Something about meeting him via friends. But I shoudln't go around asking it'll just be a random encouter and it goes from there. At least she said he was caucasian right!
And for my palm reading, she told me that I have lots of stress..... lots of worries.... sees me going back to school again. oh OH and children wise she saw 3....at least 2 for sure and the 2nd one will be an *oopsie* Hahahaha. I didn't ask when I would die (The lady told ling she'd die when she was 85). Then she asked me if I had any questions to ask. What I would be going back to school for. And she said (obviously) to better my education.... (really vague I know) then I asked when am I going to get married. She said *I see the number 25* o_O hahaha but she said *You'll probably meet someone in your 25th year and this person I see you having a strong union/bond with* hahah Yay! And then I asked about my ex. I told her a one sentence summary, and asked if we should still try to be friends or if I'm just asking for problems down the road. She told me she doesn't like to asnwer these questions because its more my choice....crap I cant remember what she told me. But she said, the guy that you are going to meet the relationship will be much more calm and reliable, because you have trust issues I know, but it will feel much more comfortable. Your last relationship was very up and down and not reliable, this one will be better..... double yay! .....um..... thats all I can remember for now I'm so tired. Forgot I have to open at KW tomorrow. double F.....

But on a side note I am so excited for Friday. hohohohohohohoh.......

I don't trust love very much. It's a temporary impulse that makes you lose yourself and forget whats important to you.

This is a line I pulled from a manga I've been reading. At this exact moment in time I feel it is perfect. Just perfect.

Anyways I was just re-reading my last entry. I do not remember typing that at all but even when I'm reading it I feel like it hasn't expressed what I was feeling that nite. I just can't explain it. :( *sigh* Well anyways. Today is Sunday and I went to have dinner with Michael. I knew it was going to happen but after we got into that argument I knew he was going to call me/msg me 2-3 days later to apologize. I suppose thats why I wasn't that angry, but still. So he msged me on Friday (super crush came to KY that day too btw!) saying sorry, and that he still wanted to see me on Sunday for dinner and after that he would disappear. I didn't have time to msg him back till midnight when I was at my studio. So I had a long (calm) talk with him. I said that I cant handle it when you tell me that you want us to be together again. We're not on the same page anymore when you say those things. I only want to be friends right now and if you're not able to accept that then I guess its not going to work. Crap do I sound like a jerk? I just....I was trying to explain to him....about finally taking of those Rose colored glasses. You know. For the longest time I always thought I'd never find someone who I'd love as much as him. But after I made that decision to move on it was just like *click* I started seeing all the holes in our relationship. He made all these promises to me to A) quit smoking, B) quit gambling, C) quit drinking. I never asked him to do any of these and he was the one who said that he would quit all the above for me, but never got around to doing it. Towards the end of my program at Marvel when I was starting to burn out he would get really angry at me when I didn't wanna have sex cuz I was really tired. What is it with guys and not being able to keep it in there pants? I'd remember those few times when I'd be so SO drowsy from taking sleeping meds and he'd still want to do it so I'd just let him even though it was like 1AM and I had to get up early the next morning..... But I think the number 1 problem in our relationship was the communication barrier. I never really thought it was anything, but I think a lot of our fights were because of miscommunication. Sometimes I would try to explain something in Chinese and I wouldn't use the right words or whatever, or I'd say it in English and maybe he wouldn't understand. So.... we would always be on each other backs because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I think thats why I'm not really interested in Asians right now. I dunno M/B are trying to introduce me to a Chinese/Filipino guy and I'm just not interested. At all. I want a nice cute white boy.....it must be the family curse....
Okay, well back to the story, so I tell him, that I only want to be friends right now. I dont know whats going to happen down the road but at this moment I dont want to get back together. I said just try to move on right now and dont wait for me. And he said I will wait for you forever. Its just, stuff like that that makes me really frustrated. I honestly dont think we'll get back together again (ironic isn't it that a mere 2 months ago I was telling everyone I always always thought we would get back together again....) so then compressed version is I said I'll see him on Sunday for dinner but only if we go as friends. (am I being selfish for making him do that.....)
So then today, Sunday, we meet up for dinner. The first 3/4 was really good. Not awkward at all, just talked about the usual. Work, family, things that piss us off KY gossip yadda yadda yadda. Went for ramen and ice cream. Then he walks me back home and comes into my building with me. I say you dont have to come in with me you know. Then he asks me for a hug.... and I pause....but we still hug and when I go to back away he holds on to me. And says *you really wont give me another chance?* And.....I just stood there again with that dumbfounded not knowing what to say/how to explain/is this happening again? I walked away mumbling random words. I dont know why my brain just stops working when this happens?? So he said he was sorry again, and gave me my birthday card and present. He wrote it a long long time ago he said, and the present is a bracelet which I haven't opened yet..... So then, I said thanks and that I was going up now and gave him another hug and said *sorry I'm not going to kiss you this time* and he said *I want to* and started to follow me into the building and I dont have those feelings for him anymore, I just can't explain the feeling I had but he followed me and when I went into the elevator he grabbed my arm and I just said Please.....don't..... and then the elevator closed. My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry this time.......
I think to you guys it sounds like I still love him. But I'm telling you I dont. I just feel nothing anymore when I see him and when he talks about us or the past or wanting to kiss me I feel really really uncomfortable. Probably because now I dream about kissing super crush.......