Impossible.

It's impossible I tell you to stay friends with exes. I dont know how you do it. So much stupid F-ing drama. Ex has been calling me non stop. I want to slit my fucking wrists over how frustrating it is talking to him. I THOUGHT we had all worked out the last argument to tide it over till New Years. Guess I shoulda known better. He sends me a text today saying to give him a call if I have time because he wants to apologize over yesterday. And like....he's said sorry to me SO MANY times that really I could care less whether or not he says it. So. I get off work, dont really want to talk to him so i just send him a text saying I'm home now. It is a bit after 10pm. He calls me, and I can hear partying in the BG. He's probably drinking, okay whatever. He asks if he can call me later, and I ask him if we can talk in the morning. He says yes and hangs up. I really really REALLY dont like talking to him when he's drunk because we always get into arguments because everything is just in one ear out the other. Another reason I don't want to get back together with him is because I've realized how much of a language barrier we had thus causing misunderstandings. Anyways. maybe he wasn't drunk and I was being a jerk, but 90% of the time when he calls me at this time of night he has been drinking. So i have reason to be defensive. Anyways 30 mintues roll around he calls me again. "I'm not drunk, I just want to talk to you and apologize for last night and say sorry and explain myself" And I just say, Look, I really dont want to talk right now okay I still have lots of presents to wrap and stuff. I'll call you tomorrow morning. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow" Hangs up. 11 30 rolls around. Calls me again. I am super pissed off now. "Why dont you trust me? You always think I am drunk, I'm not drunk right now, I just want to say I'm sorry for last night its my fault. I want to tell you I understand that you only want to be friends, but I want to tell you that I will always ALWAYS be waiting for you, you are always my first option" ........ and......so this is what happens at least once a month okay. And obviously I semi freak out. What would EVER make you think that I dont trust you? The fact that you call me once a month piss drunk telling me how much you miss me your going to wait for me for the rest of your life. The fact that YOU KNOW hearing that makes me angry and you STILL dont respect me enough to listen. The fact that GUARANTEED the next day you will call me and say you are sorry for calling me last night and that you were drunk and it wont happen again? HMMMM I wonder why I dont trust you. So I tell him all this and he's calling me immature for not trusting him and for being so mean and I just keep telling him 'please, I dont want to talk to you right now can we talk tomorrow morining' and he SWEARS he isn't drunk, and maybe he isn't and maybe I was being a jerk, but like I said 90% of the time he is. So... so I'm just listening, being my mean defensive self saying 'yup yup, okay, uh huh right' I just, I CANNOT have a conversation with him when hes like that because no matter what I say he tells me CALM DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME. So he calls me childish for not taking him seriously and I just keep on repeating *I dont want to talk right now I will call you in the morning* NO NO you wont, you dont even consider me a friend right now, you wont call me its always me who calls you. And I just want to blow my fucking brains out at this point in time. And this goes on for like another 20 mintues. (Why didn't I hang up? I dont fucking know why) Like, hes done nothing to prove to me that I should get back together with him. When we were dating he told me. HE. told. ME. I never asked him to change anything but HE promised ME that he would quit smoking, drinking and gambling. He never kept any of those promises. Whenever we go out for dinner or lunch, he still chain smokes and drinks even more than before. I just... what reason could I possibly have for getting back in a relationship with you when nothing has changed. I feel so stupid for being so hung up over him this past year too. Ugh. So, anyways I'm still telling him, Do you know why I think your drunk? Because you never call me at this time of night unless you are drunk. You have called me 3 times in the past hour. Since then I have asked you TEN times now can we talk in the morning and you are not letting it go, that is how I know you are drunk. So PLEASE, I really want to go now we can talk in the morning......... "No you are being selfish you only......" And that is as far as I got. I got so SO SO angry that I threw my phone down and screamed and just......I just broke down. It only lasted like a minute but for that minute I couldn't breath I coudln't think I didn't know what to do and all all ALL I wanted to do was hurt myself. I just.... after I snapped out of it, it was really scary because its been years since that's last happened and it was just really upsetting because it brought back bad memories. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, you have no idea how upset I was that that happened tonight and that it only happened because my ex wouldn't listen to the one thing I wanted him to do. Again. Blaaaah.