I don't trust love very much. It's a temporary impulse that makes you lose yourself and forget whats important to you.

This is a line I pulled from a manga I've been reading. At this exact moment in time I feel it is perfect. Just perfect.

Anyways I was just re-reading my last entry. I do not remember typing that at all but even when I'm reading it I feel like it hasn't expressed what I was feeling that nite. I just can't explain it. :( *sigh* Well anyways. Today is Sunday and I went to have dinner with Michael. I knew it was going to happen but after we got into that argument I knew he was going to call me/msg me 2-3 days later to apologize. I suppose thats why I wasn't that angry, but still. So he msged me on Friday (super crush came to KY that day too btw!) saying sorry, and that he still wanted to see me on Sunday for dinner and after that he would disappear. I didn't have time to msg him back till midnight when I was at my studio. So I had a long (calm) talk with him. I said that I cant handle it when you tell me that you want us to be together again. We're not on the same page anymore when you say those things. I only want to be friends right now and if you're not able to accept that then I guess its not going to work. Crap do I sound like a jerk? I just....I was trying to explain to him....about finally taking of those Rose colored glasses. You know. For the longest time I always thought I'd never find someone who I'd love as much as him. But after I made that decision to move on it was just like *click* I started seeing all the holes in our relationship. He made all these promises to me to A) quit smoking, B) quit gambling, C) quit drinking. I never asked him to do any of these and he was the one who said that he would quit all the above for me, but never got around to doing it. Towards the end of my program at Marvel when I was starting to burn out he would get really angry at me when I didn't wanna have sex cuz I was really tired. What is it with guys and not being able to keep it in there pants? I'd remember those few times when I'd be so SO drowsy from taking sleeping meds and he'd still want to do it so I'd just let him even though it was like 1AM and I had to get up early the next morning..... But I think the number 1 problem in our relationship was the communication barrier. I never really thought it was anything, but I think a lot of our fights were because of miscommunication. Sometimes I would try to explain something in Chinese and I wouldn't use the right words or whatever, or I'd say it in English and maybe he wouldn't understand. So.... we would always be on each other backs because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I think thats why I'm not really interested in Asians right now. I dunno M/B are trying to introduce me to a Chinese/Filipino guy and I'm just not interested. At all. I want a nice cute white boy.....it must be the family curse....
Okay, well back to the story, so I tell him, that I only want to be friends right now. I dont know whats going to happen down the road but at this moment I dont want to get back together. I said just try to move on right now and dont wait for me. And he said I will wait for you forever. Its just, stuff like that that makes me really frustrated. I honestly dont think we'll get back together again (ironic isn't it that a mere 2 months ago I was telling everyone I always always thought we would get back together again....) so then compressed version is I said I'll see him on Sunday for dinner but only if we go as friends. (am I being selfish for making him do that.....)
So then today, Sunday, we meet up for dinner. The first 3/4 was really good. Not awkward at all, just talked about the usual. Work, family, things that piss us off KY gossip yadda yadda yadda. Went for ramen and ice cream. Then he walks me back home and comes into my building with me. I say you dont have to come in with me you know. Then he asks me for a hug.... and I pause....but we still hug and when I go to back away he holds on to me. And says *you really wont give me another chance?* And.....I just stood there again with that dumbfounded not knowing what to say/how to explain/is this happening again? I walked away mumbling random words. I dont know why my brain just stops working when this happens?? So he said he was sorry again, and gave me my birthday card and present. He wrote it a long long time ago he said, and the present is a bracelet which I haven't opened yet..... So then, I said thanks and that I was going up now and gave him another hug and said *sorry I'm not going to kiss you this time* and he said *I want to* and started to follow me into the building and I dont have those feelings for him anymore, I just can't explain the feeling I had but he followed me and when I went into the elevator he grabbed my arm and I just said Please.....don't..... and then the elevator closed. My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry this time.......
I think to you guys it sounds like I still love him. But I'm telling you I dont. I just feel nothing anymore when I see him and when he talks about us or the past or wanting to kiss me I feel really really uncomfortable. Probably because now I dream about kissing super crush.......