my brain feels like it has exploded right now. I'm not comprehending anything. Anything. I dont even know what I'm feeling, I'm so f-ing confused right now. Since that day Michael told me he wanted to get back together, he's been sending me messages non stop. Good Morning. Good Night. Dress Warmly. I Miss You. I dont know the word to describe it but I got somewhat..... overwhelmed? upset? Then he started calling me randomly, (I want to say drunk but I'm not sure) and it was making me really really.... angry? sad? So this morning he asks me out for lunch and I....I'm so drowsy. I cant remember what happened. He asked me out for lunch on my lunch break and I said no. Then he asked me what I was doing after work, and I said I wnted to go to my studio to get some stuff done. and he said *Fine, I will stay at home* And I dont know why but that made me really upset, cause it sounded like he was angry with me? So i msged him back saying. 'you already asked me out for dinner on sunday I said I will see you then, I really am busy I have lots to do, I've been working 14 days straight' and then he replied back saying 'sorry dont be mad' and i replied back saying I'm not mad. Later on in the day I get a msg saying *I am coming to see you, I am at KW now* And I dont know why I got really really scared. I told my coworker and I started crying. On the spot at the kiosk. I dont know why. But I was scared what was going to happen when I saw him. I guess, I just feel that he is kind of an unstable person (I'm not any better I know) and was scared something might happen. Anyways I seen him walk past twice, because he doesn't know where I work and I.....I started to feel bad? So i left the kiosk and went to see him. And like.... I guess it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be but it was still really awkward. I coudln't look him in the eyes. I dont even know why. But everything that comes out of his mouth I dont want to listen to. He asks me if I'm bothering him, if I dont want him to call anymore, if I dont even want to be friends. And I dont say yes. If I say yes, yes I dont want you to call me anymore, I feel bad. Really bad. If I say no, no I still want you to call me I feel like I'll be leading him on and lying to myself. Why, why the fuck do I think that we can still be friends. Who am I trying to impress and what have I got to lose by losing you? After I talked to him briefly at KW I told him I was really upset that he was sending me messages every day. And then he said sorry I'll stop, and then I said I had to go back to work and he walked away. I felt SO bad. Again, I dont know why. When I got off work I sent him a message seeing if he was still in the mall and that I was going to catch the bus. He said that he was at a pub drinking and that hes not going to bother me anymore. I said your not bothering me, I just dont want you messaging me every day every minute. Its confusing me because you say you still want to be friends but you send me stuff like that thats obviously not 'just friends' intentions.
And then the last message he sends me is *I want to be friends but I dont think it is a good idea because I am worried what I might do when I am with you* ...... no comment. So I go home and take a nap. When I wake up Michael calls me and is telling me.....telling all kinds of stuff. My brain felt so cloudy becuase he was telling me ALL this stuff about his regrets and the past, and how bad he felt because he was never there for me. I dunno if it was just too muhc information or what, but I coudln't say anything. There was so so SO much I wanted to say but I didn't know how to. It was like there wasn't proper words to express msyelf with. And in the end. Obviously we got into a fight. I just gave up because i couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say and I said I didn't want to talk anymore. He got angry, hung up and then sent me 2 messages commenting on what I said. and then he said Good Bye. It seems so miniscule what I'm complaining about but it made me so so drowsy. I had just woken up from a nap and yet my brain was so cloudy. I took 2 sleeping pills just to ease the mind, althought I was already pretty drowsy to begin with. And the real kicker is. All this time while michael was talking to me all I could think about was calling my crush. It was ALL i could think about. I cried of course, but while I was crying I just thought about that time he called me to talk. I hate it when I get so obsessed over a guy that I make up the worst reasons that make it okay for me to do soemthing that I would normally not do. I thought, I'll ask him out for drinks so we can talk. I'll ask him why he hasnt been to KW lately. I'll ask him how school is. Would I really do that? No no i wouldn't. I dont know why I always fall for guys who dont show interest in me. It took so much talking to myself to not to call/text him. I'm so stupid sometimes. Stupid and upset and worried. I have so much stuff I want to do and I'm so drowsy right now. 2 pills kick in so fast holy crap. Anyways, I dont know what I'm going to do about michael. It seems pretty obvious right now that its over, and we cant even be friends. But i have a feeling I'm going to be pretty sad and might end up calling him. But the only thing I want right now is to talk to my crush....