would you like some buttermelon

translated to english that would be equivalent to 'would you like some avocado'. hohoho. But anyways. small post today. Just wanna comment on fort mcmurrays male population. Theres not that many good looking young guys around my age here is there? BUT however, when one does appear, they sure are cute. Tee hee. I seen a guy come in yesterday who looked like jacob hoggarth from hedley. He was cute. and i caught him secretly looking at me. MWA MWA. hahaha.
Today i went and got my very first filling. I was super nervous and it took like....10 mintues. They put this giant purple rubber tarp-like mask over my mouth and i sat w/ it on for a good 5 mintues waiting for the doctor to come in. Then after my mouth was numb till 8PM. I think i was drooling for a good 10 mintues before i realized. hahaha. Numb mouth is funny. Welp i'm supah tired so i'm gonna go sleep now. chow.
PS. i have made it my next mission to forget about 'you know who'. ADD OIL!!!!

Um, hey everybody....

So yeah....if anyone read the post from yesterday i was debating whether or not my workmate liked me or not. I said that i *thought* maybe he did, but that i also could have been wrong because hes just an overall nice friendly guy. Well, its funny how somethings reveal themselves really quickly. I left back for fort mac today, and he knew that i was leaving today. At 9AM while i was still sleeping i recieved a text msg from him (undoubtedly on his way to work) that read as follows:
"Well see you in like 10 days. Unless you come to eat, then i'll see you in a few hours. I'm gonna miss you."
Dwear Mne....uuuuuung That last sentence i think pretty much answered my question of uncertainty. ung ung. So now i dont know what to do. Because like i said before i dont know...er rather i know i dont feel the same way about him. At least of my own free will. Like i'll find myself thinking of him sometimes, but its more thinking *if i like him that way*. And personally, if you have to think about that, i think you should know the answer. But like.... uuuuug i dunno either if like....maybe i set my standards to high or something. Like. i dunno when i notice a good looking guy i usually say like *oh he has nice eyes, or his arms are nice, or his smile is cute* and thats like....physical stuff. But i find sometimes i start liking someone i've known for a long time after i've gotten to know their personality. Uggggh. I'm really confused right now. I was going to use this entry to try and clarify some of my feelings right now. But i'm talking to Jess about Craig (something i've never done before) and its bringing back some painful memories again.... i'll try this again some other time.

in a fairy tale world

Is it weird that this past month i've been having a more than usual amount of dreams and daydreams of craig? More so daydreams, but a few dreams here and there. But more so daydreams and thoughts. Like i keep on imagining what would happen if he came in to kyoto one day. (this is all assuming that i'd recognize him, even though i've only seen like....old old old pictures of him) But i keep on thinking about....about what i'd do if i ever bumped into him. And like i'd hope he'd recognize me but i'm not sure. So like. today i was thinking if he really came in to eat, if i'd have enough guts to walk up to him and talk to him. And if i did what the hell would i say to him. *hi are you craig? i'm corinna you've ruined 2 years of my life?* No i'd probably not. i'd proably try to ease in and find out if it really was him. *did you used to live in fort mcmurray?* But at the same time if he said *yes i did* i dont know what i'd do after. I dont know if i'd be too overwhelmed to say anything or if i'd start like getting all teary eyed. (i'm sure the latter is not possible). And then, theres also the possibility that i might be too scared/nervous to walk up and talk to him. And if that were the case and he left w/o me saying a single word of recognition to him....i think i might really cry. That after like....2 years of waiting to meet you and i finally do, but before i get the chance to talk to you i let you walk out....that would be really crushing. So yeah, its kind of like a lose lose situation. But i guess i should also consider that he doens't live in edmonton anymore...or alberta....or possibly canada....
But, speaking along the line of guys. Another little dilema i've got going on. (always happens around the end of summer) So.... i have a workmate at work, who i'm not sure if he likes me or something. Like i'm usually pretty good at that kind of stuf....or actually no i'm not. But i can't tell. So.... my workmate he keeps asked me to go to calgary to watch the fireworks competition w/ him. and like, no biggie there cuz he asked all the workmates. But, i dunno if this makes a difference or not but, i told him that i wasn't going to go cuz i didn't have the money 2 do that. And he said *i'll pay for you*. I feel pretty stupid because maybe i'm just thinking one sided here and that, thats what any normal friend would do, and that i'm thinking way to hard. But, he also constantly asks me to go out and have ice cream, and watch movies and go clubbing. and same w/ the *i'll pay for you* bit..... so yeah i'm not sure. Just thought i'd voice that little tid bit.

Paper Dress Princess

Konnichiwa! Hohoho, since i have recently discovered that i can now easily post pictures in my entries, i will try to post pictures of random stuff i take more often. (That will also entice me to take pictures of more stuff)
So.... the picture on the left is of my current project in the drawing class i'm taking. The assignment was to make a garment/accessory/ wearable object out of unconventional materials. The first thing i thought of was *project runway* because i had just recently finished watching the 2nd season. hohoh. So obviously i chose a dress (actually i was thinking of purse or shoe, too) but i chose a dress, and the material was paper. If i had time and money i would have made a pretty hat or purse out of rose petals, or a pair of fancy shoes out of wax. The latter would have been my next choice i believe. But yeah so the dress turned out like that. I guess i'm pretty proud of it. It should be wearable, just that i need a supah skinny model since i cinched the dressform to practically the smallest size it would go, and then i tapered the waist of the dress even smaller. E-hehehe. So yeah i guess it turned out okay, i'm unsure right now whether or not its completely finished. I wanted 2 change the color of the obi to something different cuz my instructor said it was kind of too eye catching. If i have time i'll do that.
Oh, so Kat's b-day is coming up. I got the invite again. I like going because i get to see some old friends from high school. It's like a mini reunion each year. Hohoho. I still have to get a present though. Dwear mne, i still am on the short stack of moo-lah. *sob sob* why oh why budgetting WHY!!!! Sooo yeah. I might go to WEM 2morrow. But its almost midnight so i should be going to bread. My eye hurts like a bee-yatch. Why? Because our showerhead sucks and the little rubber ring attatchment thingy keeps on slipping off so this high powered jet stream shoots out if you move it the wrong way. I was trying 2 fix it in the shower and when i moved the band it angled the water to shoot straight into my open eye. Hurt like a punch in the teeth.

Oh the nightmares....

This is Stewie. He currently resides face first in the corner of my brothers room because he scares me at night. I won him at klondike...sorry no Capital Ex. I was so happy when i won Brian the first day. I figured i absolutely had to go and get him a stewie companion....little did i know i'd get the equivalent of chucky in plush.
Aside from spending all my money at K-Days i'm saddened 2 say that nothing else has really happened. Thats important and that i can think of. Oh well... i bought a new pair of shoes! heheee my shoe fetish comes from my mom i swear. I've been wearing shoes w/ absolutley no support for the past few months and i think doing that has made my pinky toes numb.... so yah i dished out $95 bucks to buy these cute pair of white etnies mules. And after i did that i realized that i had no more money. Dammit. I totally forgot about rent and then now Kat's bday is coming up too so i have 2 get soemthing. and then... i have mangas that i want to buy (same ones from like 6 weeks ago btw). and possibly some new clothes so it doesn't look like i'm wearing the same thing 4 days in a row. Hoya... anyways i'm going to go outside and have some cereal. I've had like 6 bowls of it alreayd. hee hee haw haw.

Kakashi Sensei!!

This is Kakashi. He is currently residing in my bed..... *tee hee*

Alas cruel world.....

Sooo, my internet at home went down again. Maybe i should just start paying for it....hahah jkjk. Right now i'm just too lazy 2 walk home and i wanted 2 slack off a bit. I worked on friday, saturday and sunday. And i'll say that the friday and saturday were the exact opposite of each other.
Friday was a pretty good day, it was steady, not crazy hectic friday-busy. So that was good. And since i worked dinner rather than lunch i actually had time 2 get ready for work and look nice. Hahaha my workmates all asked me if i was going out on a date after work. (hey it was just some lipgloss) But apparently lipgloss makes a big difference because i made $30 tip on take out (i usually make 15-20$) And then i went 2 save on's where i bumped into iris. (actually i was on the otherside of jasper when i called her and right before my phone cut out she said *i'm at save on's*) so yeah i 'bumped' into her. Her and Ling came over for a small 'dinner' and after they left i started making corinna's special desserts for May's house warming party on sunday.
Saturday was an extremely crappy day. Wearing lipgloss really does make a difference cuz i never wore any that day. The first take out i took was horrible. The lady was a real snob, and i had 2 re-order certain stuff cuz 'you guys always screw up my order'. And then i undercharged her 10$. (this is the first time that has every happened 2 me before) i called her back and she made a big BIG deal about it saying stuff that i'm too lazy 2 type out. And eventually after like 10 mintues her husband told me that he'd come in to pay it back another day. And i was like sure okay, whatever. I beleive i will never see that 10$ i had 2 pay again. Then some lady made me make 8 cups of miso soup during the busiest time of the day. And then someone payed their 10.13 bill with 10$ and 1 galaxy cinema token. And i know she did it on purpose cuz she lifted up the bill and put the coin under it. AND THEN at like 8PM this lady walked up 2 me and in this cocky voice was lke *your ladies washroom is flooding really bad, i think 'you' should go fix it right away.* why yes right away i'll just pull the magical plunger that i keep in my pocket out and do it right away. Geez. So i went into the washroom and opened the door and stepped in a puddle. As iris said it looked like someone had lodged their shoe inside the toilet bowl. The water was overflowing like a mofo fountain. Also, since the water wasn't draining throught the drain in the floor it started....somehow seeping throught the wall and i guess since it had been flooding for like 10 mintues it soaked up a nice thick puddle in the dinning room. So sad.
Sunday wasn't so bad I just worked afternoon and then went 2 May's new place where i pretty much played mario party 4 for like....6 hours. hahah. Waluigi still rocks. Pretty funny cuz after like 3 hours of gaming, right as the game was announcing the winner the baby crawled over 2 the gamecube and pushed the power button. thats one dexterious baby. Weeelll. i think thats all i wanted 2 say.
....and to think i could have been home by now had i not come here 2 write this blog.

A-HOY

Hi Everybody!! Super excited cuz my internet is working. ohohoho. Anyhoo heres pictures of me from this years anime convention. In case anyone forgot.... (or doesn't recognize) i'm kakashi when he was an ANBU....

Minus the fact that i forgot about his shoes and therefore had to make them 20 mintues before leaving i was pretty happy w/ my costume. I got a lot of comments and my props turned out quite nicely. I made the mask and kunai knife pretty much from scratch (weeell, i used a basic halloween mask as a base) I was a little bit sad because on saturday i wore my contacts in the wrong eyes and put the scar on the wrong eye too... damn you mirrors. hahaha. But aside from those 2 problems everything else was good. yum yum. It actually doesn't look as good as i remembered it.... But yeah. I forgot to take pictures of tara's costumes. Possibly had to do w/ the fact that i didn't take any pictures at the animethon at ALL.... come on people wheres your creative juices? I actually want to say that i didn't buy that much stuff. First day i spent under $100. Basically all the stuff that i wanted 2 buy wasn't there. So on the 2nd day, after feeling really left out from not buying stuff i went around and bought random stuff that i semi-wanted. ie. many kakashi items. hahah i bought a big plushie and the little one that i was gunning down on ebay, like 4 keychains, and then some artbooks. So all in all it wasn't really that much. No 10 bags like a few years ago. hahah. anyhoo i should prolly go to sleep now... which i wont.

o-HI-yo

yo dawgs. hoho i'm here at the U mooching free internet access. isnt it great? Main reason for this entry is to comment on animethon...13 i believe. It wasn't really that great i thought. not that many super great costumes....actually there weren't that many costumes period. Gosh everybody wheres you anime spirit? The only one that really stuck out as good was that one guy dressed up as Jirara.... and i'm sure i've spelt that wrong. And of course my costume. Hohoho. seriously i got a lot of comments on it i'm so proud. hee hee. especially since, i made everything, with the exception of the pants.... But yah, i was really worried it wasn't going to look good since i didn't actually put everything on w/ makeup/hair until the actual day.. But yah super happy. hahaha. Um... not that much stuff in the dealers room although there seemed to be a lot more dealers. The only reason i spent over $100 is mainly cuz i bought plushies which i wouldn't actaully bought cept that i was feeling a bit sad cuz i didn't buy that much. hahah. aside from a few manga i bought the naruto art book, and the angel sanctuary art book wich i was quite shocked at how inexpensive it was. hohoh deals deals deals. Yuppers. i was also a little upset because i didn't enter the cosplay contest. The worker man at comic king told me my costume was the best one he'd seen all weekend. i was berry berry proud. (PS my friend 'tyreese' won the cosplay contest and i guess i didn't think her costume was that great so i was a bit sad) but ah well what can you do. I might be famous on the internet if you look up ANBU Kakashi from animethon 13. hohohoho. Anyhoo gonna go now. later everyboby.

oh joy

i have access to internet again! man its been an extremely long time. going to be extremely quick. Just some basic recap seeing how as nothing itneresting has happened really. Finished spring classes and have been on break. My parents came in last week. I was actually pretty excited to see them. Hohum. Animethon is in 2 days. Kinda excited. But doesn't think she will go. oh poo-pee. Ling will go and so will Tara, parchance i can dupe jessicaw to come. oh hohoho. Um um. what else. Oh right i think i mentioned a long time ago that i' going to be kakashi from naruto. I dunno how it looks right now cuz i dont have the hair and stuff....but i hope i look okay. Otherwise i will also not go. hahah. I'm so proud of the knife prop that i made. hohoho. Anyhoo, thats all for now. I am broke and trying 2 save moolah so i will go now. Byee bye...

only wishing....

oOh yah, so my internet has been down for the longest time, so here i am using my brothers cpu to type out my blog. Soooo....since i no longer have the opportunity to write random brain thoughts at the wee hours in the morning, i'm stuck w/ writting a blog entry everytime something important happens.
Today, (as the heading for this entry indicates) something out of the ordinary happened. or so i feel. Weeeell, i didn't have 2 work this morning so i was up and about doing stuff...watching tv. And then i went 2 take a nap before going to work. Where... oh wow, it does kinda hurt... i basically had a dream. My dreams are always random stupid things, that never make sense, and have absolutley nothing to do w/ my life. But today this dream was kinda truthful...yet false. So... today i dreamt...(deep breath) that craig had found me again. Well not actually, but on msn. And i didn't know who he was at first because he was using a different name, but he eventually changed it back to craig. And when i found out, i basically just sat at my cpu desk and started crying because i was so happy, and so sad. He told me that he had moved to Ontario or something for the past 2 years, and that he had just moved back to Edmonton (whyte ave to be more exact) and, just like always we hit it off really really well. But in my dream i was also getting ready to go to work. So after like 20 mintues i told him i had to go to work. And he was like *okay i'll talk to you later....* and then i woke up. And at first i was all like drowsy and pretty happy because it was a pretty nice dream. But then i remembered that it was only a dream and those last words he said before i woke up. And.... so i felt pretty sad, because well first it WAS only a dream, and second he lied. *ow* man that really hurts. So then i went to work, were the first customer who came in bore a stiking resemblence to craig. And then a guy called in to make a reservation on friday for 'craig' and while i was reading the paper i found an article written by 'craig elliot'. (a while back ago when i didn't have this blog, and used to write in a diary, craig's 'code name' was elliot.) Really really strange.

woo almost didn't make it

theoretically speaking....my i-net seemed to almost crash... but i got to this page so here comes my attempt at making some more entries. Sooo, i finished my artH calss and got my mark back... %80..pooh... well my average was a A- so i should be pretty happy...(pretty shitty though considering the U doesn't include spring/summer marks in my GPA...DAMMIT)
but aaany-hoo. So...apparently 'budgeting' is a lot harder to do when one has a lot of stuff they wish/need to purchase... pretty shitty. Fathers day (as i stated last post) is in 2 days, so i need to polish of the rest of my daddy's gift. Aside from that i'm going to have to dish out a big C-note in a few days for the rest of my NYpics and the rest of cathy's scrapbook (stupid i forgot to consider the rest of the photos' id have to get developed) ARG. I also want to get some new clothes (and those white&purple pumas....) : ( but sadly, i think i'm going to give up on the puma's. siiiigh. I only have like... 3 work shirts that i wear and 2 of them look almost identical so i'm sure that my servers think i'm a dirty diryt child. Welll, i want to say that cathy's scrapbook is coming along nicely... of course i only have like...10 of the 40+ pictures in right now, soooo i'm sure it'll be fine. My crafty projects usually turn out pretty good. Eeeem... oh oh animethons coming up in the beginning of july! (dont have 2 skip it for portfolio review in mid august like i did last year this time) Whoo-hooo. still hoping to go as Kakashi. If i get him all finished maybe i can finish my 3/4 done miwako costume too. hahah oh the shame.....
speaking of shame. Charles started talking to me on msn today. (charles is my former boyfriend mitchs' bestest friend in the whole world, who i was kinda maybe seeing before i hooked up w/ mitch....wow i'm a dumb kid....) But anyways, so yeah, low and behold he started talking to me in whats been like...8 months maybe? and he was saying crap like *ooh i was just thinkin of ya, and i missed ya, and i liked your booty*?!?!?! what the HELL is that. seriously i have absolutley no idea what man in their right mind would strike up a conversation w/ an old friend saying
*i missed you and your bum!* deserves a swift kick in the groin right there i'll tell ya... jerk....
but ANY-ways...i should go to sleep. I'm going to WEM 2morrow w/ the I-train and L-....bus.... and i ......oh Doooooh.. i just glimpsed up and seen my every so growing collection of manga remembering that the new volume of each series i have should be coming out soon (if not alreayd here) and also remembered all those other mangas i wanted 2 purchase, with the money that i dont have.... *sob sob* why cruel world WHY!!!

holy crustaceous barnacles

its almost been a month since i last posted??!?!! wow, that is quite shocking. Whats really shocking is that my computer hasn't been turned on in almost equally the same amount of time. Hooo-wee. Nothing of extreme importance has really happened that i'm dying to say so i'll just ramble on w/ some random thoughts that have happened since last post. Well, i'm saddened to say that i didn't make it into the BFA either. And although i didn't get as bummed out as i could have i really want to say that i must really really, REALLY suck a lot more than i thought i did. they replied back to me awfully quick. Man thinking about it right now is a bit depressing actually....
Aside from that everything ELSE has been pretty average. got 85% on my artH midterm (pretty proud of that) but i dont feel that confident about the exam seeing as how it seems nothing has seeped into my brain during lectures, and reading the text has done absolutely zilch. I thought yesterday was Fathers Day because my calendar had a missprint and said so. (stupid bootleg half price calendar....) i've been raking in $500+/ paycheck so i'm hoping i'll get enough moolah to pay for tuition by September. which according to my extremely brief budgeting i should do okay as long as i dont spend to much. (Which sadly i have already done yesterday, w/ my michael's/wal-mart/superstore trip) HAY i needed groceries and supplies to start on cathy's going away present. Oh and yeah Cathy's moving to vancouver come july. Sigh i'll prolly miss her. Last week me and her spent like....maybe 4 hours talking on the phone about when we were young. And i was actually pretty surprised because cathy had a pretty shitty childhood. Her mom was pretty much borderline abusive, and some of the stories she told me made me sersiously want to punch someone. I dont think her mom is a good mom at all. (maybe this sounds a little biased to you readers, but of the few stories that cathy told me, that was my impression) I kinda hinted at my past and that i was really depressed but when i tried to go deeper i choked up and couldn't do it.... sigh. one of these days i'll finally get it out.
Umm... last sunday i worked my first day as a server! hohoh it actually wasn't as bad as i remembered it being. I think i did pretty good, with the exception of during the last hour when i had a problem w/ the machine and my food got out before i had time to bring their drinks out.. haha oops. But other than that it went pretty good. I think i made at least 60$. (i say 'think' because i never got a chance to count my tips before dishing it out for dinner at furasato that same night w/ brian and jason.
i've been watching a lot of project runway recently (staying up till 2AM for it), and also i've been catching a lot of CSI too. (oh greg, tee hee). i was really excited on sunday because i thought sherry was coming back (working w/ wenna absolutely does not compare) but apparently i mistook june 11th, for JULY 11th.... sigh, one more month.
I'm looking forward to this friday because that'll be the start of my first snippit of 'summer vacation' till july 10th when summer class starts. OH BOY. I have a bunch of pent up energy that i'm going to expel on some unsuspecting man i meet at the first club i go to on saturday. hahah yeah right. I do have a lot of crafting energy though. I have to get started on cathy's scrapbook, and then after that i'm going to start working on my anbu costume. I think that aside from hair bleach, i'm all set for those 2 projects and shouldnt have to spend much more moolah. which is of course good for my 'budget'.
Oman, well i think that is all that i can remember for now. oh oh, cept ive been rollerblading a bit to try and get some more excercise, and on the way to the U couple weeks ago i did some major wipe-outs. i fell down 3 times, in 3 quite embarassing situations, all 3 times included a pedestian within close proximaty. The first time i flew across a lawn where this old man seen me and laughed, but he helped me up. The 2nd time i tripped while crossing the street and the 3rd time i flew down the highlevel bridge and took an inch of my shin guard. hahah i have then since stopped rollerblading for fear of my life. and that has been the life of corinna these past few weeks.

this is my gangster hat

when i wear it i become gangsta'. yo.
I dunno if its a good thing or a bad thing that i'm recovering so quickly from these bouts of depression. you figured its bad that one day i'm super good and then the next day i'm mashing my fists into a bloody pulp. (but not really) soo... my hand is feeling a lot better, though if i push certain spots it still hurts....obviously. but yeah. Anyways man thought for the day that i had. While in artH class today me and my friend michelle were talking and she told me that she was getting excited because she was getting married! Shes only 3 years older than me and i thought that was really exciting. Shes the first person/friend of mine that's around the same age as me and is getting married. Wow there was so many thoughts that went through my head when she said that. I mean she told me her and her fiance have been going out for like 6 years now and so i guess its about time. But it was still kinda shocking. I mean aside from katherine i dont think i know anyone else within my age range (give or take 10 years) who is in the jist of getting married anytime soon. And i guess i can't say that ppl are getting married younger these days, because my parents and older cousins all got married around 24ish too. So yeah. Its kinda funny/creepy because i said 2 my brothers last month, that a year from now i could be married if just tomorrow i happened 2 meet a guy and he happened to be my future husband.....So basically i dont know what the point i'm trying 2 get to.... Something along the lines of marriage and being young when it happens. I dunno, maybe because i hear so much about ppl getting married it seems so common, but when suddenly one of my friends gets married it sinks in that i could be that someone someday too....i mean, i think about like stupid things like wedding dresses and where i'd want to have my wedding and stuff, but i never really 'really' thought about what would happen if i ever got proposed to. Like, i always say how i'd want to get married so that i'd have someone to be with most of the time, but actually when i think about it deeper, it makes me kind of nervous.... woya, but yeah, apparently i'm missing an extremely important part of marriage which happens to be a man, so it looks like i wont be getting married anytime soon mates. And if i do i'm sure you'll be the first to know.....

bad week

this week really has been a pretty bad week actually. I haven't had one of these since highschool and my first year of university. My hand has bloated to almost twice its size and i think i broke some blood vessels, or whatever. I dunno if its better or worse that rather than screaming i now like to beat myself up. I was kinda hoping i'd hit something hard enough to break a few bones and then maybe somebody would feel bad. I dunno if maybe i was just being selfish or what. But i'll give you guys the low down. I had bought a bunch of cards a while back ago (because there was a special) to give 2 ppl for upcoming events. ie mothers day fathers day, when cathy leaves.... So there was like....5 cards in there. I was trying 2 find the mothers day card today so that i could get my dickjob brothers 2 sign them so i could mail out the card and the present when i finished buying all the stuff. And so i remember when i bought the cards that i had left them in the bag by the side of the sofa. But they weren't there when i went 2 look for them, so i looked elsewhere.... EVERYWHERE else. And i couldn't find them anywhere. So i started getting a little frustrated. And i asked my brothers and they said they never touched it. So i looked some more, for like 2 hours. And still nothing. So i started getting really frustrated, shouting out a *FUCK...mumblemumble* everyso often. And my 2 brothers did nothing, just sat and watched tv. So i kept on looking and i was OBVIOUSLY pissed off because they were sitting on their asses doing nothing, while i was looking for a pack of cards, more specifically the mothers day card so that THEY could sign it and take credit for a gift that they had absolutely nothing to do w/. Finally i got so angry that i yelled at them and said something like *I NEVER TOUCHED THOSE CARDS SO I SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT UNLESS YOU GUYS MOVED THEM* and they didn't move and i said *ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU GUYS AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING HELP ME LOOK* and then terence (who btw is really REALLY pissing me off these few months) said *Well maybe if you picked up your 'garbage' once in a while we wouldn't throw it away* and i said *GARBAGE, IS YOUR FUCKING MOTHERS CARD CONSIDERED GARBAGE?!????* and by that time i was so angry that i started screaming and punching walls and floors like crazy. Good lord, when ever that happens to me (which hasn't been very recently) i get so angry and i have so much trouble breathing. Its times like that that i really scare myself because i really can't control what i do and i basically feel no pain.... which might be a good thing eventually.... but anyways so i went into my bathroom and cried a lot and hurt myself some more. And i was really really upset because i really wanted 2 talk 2 someone but i didn't know who i could call. I wanted to call jess but she changed her cell phone and i didn't know it off by heart yet. I guess its probably bad that i keep all this stuff inside me, but call it habit or something but i just can't voice it. I called my mom while i was in the bathroom and i think i really really really wanted 2 tell her how upset and sad i was feeling but i just couldn't get the words out. And whenever i got close my voice started to crack and....and then i'd just stop. What bothers me really the most i think is not just that i'm starting to turn back into my old pain inflicting, depressed self. But also the cause of it. When i was younger....i'm not sure what really depressed me, but one of the reasons i couldn't bring myself to really kill myself was that i was worried about all the loved ones who i'd make sad. Now though, its actually almost like those loved ones are the ones who are making me depressed. My two brothers are so distant it seems and even though we live in the same household, we dont carry on coversations like we used to and we're not even close to being as close as we used to. I dont live w/ my parents anymore and my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents rarely see me anymore anyways. So it really feels like nobody will really care if i'm gone because i wasn't there in the first place. Whenever my grandparents or uncles call out, they always ask for terence or felix. And kinda sorta same w/ my dad. Oh god i feel so left out of my family right now. And its like i dont really know anyone else i can talk to. Jessica rarely talks to me anymore as it is. And iris has her own family out here, and cathy is always with her boyfriend. So really i dont know what i should do.....It really really makes me sad that this blog is turning back to the depressing blog that it originally used to be

....untitled

Sometimes I think people dont realize how short life really is until its to late. But also at the same time I think that whoever decides when its time for someone to pass on, whether they be god, lord or spirit, has a cruel sense of humour. Several years ago my close cousin lost her dad to a heart attack the night before fathers day and which was also the night before his birthday. Just today i recieved a letter from a friend informing that her mother had also passed away, 4 days before mothers day. I feel a pang of saddness in my heart when i hear news like this because the people who've lost their loved ones had they had a few more days would have been able to share a wonderful hopefully love filled day w/ that person. But even having said this, isn't it sad how we take one...ONE day out of three hundred and sixty five days to show someone how much you appreciate them? When you think about it, how come everyday can't be mothers day, or fathers day, or valentines day or whatever stupid day that has been commercially created? If everyday you woke up and said 'i love you' to everyone you care about, then you wouldn't have to feel guilty if the next day they weren't there for you to say it to.... Humans are foolish creatures sometimes and i often dislike being one. I have the opportunity to live 100 years if i stayed healthy and active. When i'm young i'll complain that life is hard and complicated and i wish i was older so i didn't have to worry about the future. But in the future when i'm 50-60+ i'll complain that life is to short and i'll wish i was younger so i could do the things that i never got to do. Life really is ironic. Sometimes when i'm faced w/ choices and paths to choose, i'll think of that. People tell me that i do stupid things sometimes and waste money, but i guess maybe i'm thinking that they are certain things that i've always wanted to do and when i'm older i can have the chance to say that *yes i did that before* and *i've been there before*. Even though at this moment there aren't to many *daring* things that i've done....but if i ever get faced w/ the oportunity to then hopefully i'll remember what i've just said, and do what i say i'll do.

blasphemy

In case anyone ever wonders, the titles of these posts are often random words that just pop into my head when i can't think of anything to say (which is what i often do/say in real life). Any ways. I just want to re-comment on these past few days. I have to say that a days outcome really does depend on how you want it to turn out. On monday i had a really bad day. But actually i think it was only bad because i let it turn out that way. If i tried i probably could have made it less unfavorable by just not thinking about it so much and looking at the bright side. I say this because on Wednesday i had a pretty much equally as bad day. But rather than let it get to me i just chose not to think about how bad it was. Rather i thought of other stuff like how much worse it could have been and how thankful i was that the latter didn't happen instead. And really that wednesday turned out a lot better than i could have wanted it to. But yeah, that was all i really wanted to comment on. Mind over matter i guess...or soemthing like that.... ;P

been awhile

Today I cried. I haven't cried in a really long time and since i pretty much only cry when i'm depressed it meant today i was depressed. It was an extremely shitty day today. So many past memories came flooding back to me today in the rain. When i was walking 2 the bank I started thinking of how much my brothers were jerks. And how this problem could have been easily solved if he had just takin me back home (5 mintues away) so i could have gotten my cheques. But rather than that he didnt. So i wasted 45 minutes, which led to the closing of the bank before i could get there. I was so sad when i was walking there because those feelings of being uncared for started emerging again. I thought about running away again. But i didn't know where i could go. And like usually it was pretty much useless because no one really notices when i run away depressed and also i never have anyplace to go. I thought about going to Iris' but then i figured it'd be quite for her and my brothers wouldn't care if i went 2 iris'. So then i thought of cathy, but then i figured she was with her boyfriend and i didn't want to intrude. So i was left w/ going nowhere like usual but back home. GOD I FEEL SO USELESS. i have absolutely no idea where i'm going in life, and when something fails i just make up an excuse and chose a different path. I dont want to admit failure but at the same time i dont want to dissapoint my dad who puts so much faith in me. I hate myself because i always feel so uselss. eeeer i dont want to go back to being what i used to be because it was horrible and i hated always crying and not being able to sleep and hurting myself and lying to my family. I hope this little burst of depression goes away soon because I've already started to do the crying and hurting myself bit and its only been the first day.

horrible horrible

These past few days have been really really crappy. Man i haven't had shitty days like this in a long time. First, on saturday, right after work this dirty business suit wearing man bummed 7 bucks offa me. I dont know how the hell he did but that fucker is going to burn in hell. It seriously pisses me off when shitheads like that seriously dont need the money and yet they still get it. And like, at least the people who really REALLY need it, they ask you once and if you say no they POLITELY say thanks anyways and walk away. This jerk stood there for like 10 mintues while i was waiting for the green light asking me friggen 50 times. And then after i gave him 4 dollars he seen my 5 dollar bill and asked for that AS WELL. and i dont know what the hell possessed me cuz i actually gave it to him. and then i walked away pissed off. and then the more i thought about it the angrier i got. By the time i got home i was super pissed off so i punched the brick wall. And when i was in the elevator i was still angry so i punched the metal wall. I woke up that night and my knuckles were swollen. Stupid jerk. Then on Sunday it was uber slow and i was waiting for 4oclock 2 come so that i could start my countdown for hometime. And right at 4 30 the other hostess called in and asked me 2 work for her. I guess once again that was my own fault for saying yes but i'm just trying 2 get some more hours/moolah. So there went my sunday. Today was equally as crappy. stupid cirque de soleil tix. all in all we have 3 tix and technically enough for everybody who wants 2 go....but... ah fuck its also a long complicating story. And then my brothers were going 2 go 2 claireview to take care of some condo investing business. I tagged along cuz i wanted 2 go 2 Michaels, but it ended up being farther away than i thought and my brothers only needed a few minutes 2 sign some papers so i just stayed in the car. Then i asked my brother if i could go 2 the bank 2 deposit my cheques so that id have enough money 2 pay for my tuition tomorrow. And then i realize that i had fucking taken my cheques out earlier today 2 check how much money there was altogether. So my other brother went 2 the bank and i was getting uber pissed off. After they went 2 futureshop 2 exchange something and i was geting EXTREMELY pissed off at this time cuz he was taking so long. When i finally got home it was past 8 and i got my cheques and started walking in the rain 2 the bank. And obviously when i got there it was fucking CLOSED. But at this point in time i had already figured that it was going to be closed. And since i had already cried all the way there i figured it was useless to cry anymore so i went 2 save ons and bought useless junkfood.

once again due to the unreliability of my internet....

....here is another post from a previous day,
April 5th. Deedle dooo, I love working in public areas because i get to see pretty men... *tee hee* hahaha Aaaah especially the guy w/ the big smile, hes so cute. Hohoo. oh doh, there was something i wanted 2 write in here but i have forgotten.... Although i do remember that today a guy around in his late 20's early 30's came in and ordered to go, and he looked like an older version of mitch. I was extremely creeped out. Especially when he kept on staring deeply into the depths of my soul. And then also again when he asked for my name and when i gave it to him he asked me if it was my real name.... that spells c-r-e-e-p-y, my friends. Aaaaah I heart gentlemen. And i want 2 say that i like guys that are a few years older than me....dunno why but thats what i feel. OH OH i remember what i was going to say now. So, today i was sleeping and i dreamt that i was back in highschool and that i had slept in and my ride had come 2 pick me up. And when i was in highshool if i took to long my friend would knock on the door and since i'm a light sleeper i would hear it and automatically know that i had slept in. So I jolted up and rushed around getting ready. I finally got to school when the school bell rang. But in reality it was my real house phone and it woke me up. I was supposed 2 work lunch today and so i really actually was late.... sigh. I think that i subconsciously knew that i was supposed 2 work today hence why i dreamt that i was going to be late.... hahaha thats extremely weird. But i thought it was neat. Anyhoo i'm going to sleep now i'm uber tired.