bad week

this week really has been a pretty bad week actually. I haven't had one of these since highschool and my first year of university. My hand has bloated to almost twice its size and i think i broke some blood vessels, or whatever. I dunno if its better or worse that rather than screaming i now like to beat myself up. I was kinda hoping i'd hit something hard enough to break a few bones and then maybe somebody would feel bad. I dunno if maybe i was just being selfish or what. But i'll give you guys the low down. I had bought a bunch of cards a while back ago (because there was a special) to give 2 ppl for upcoming events. ie mothers day fathers day, when cathy leaves.... So there was like....5 cards in there. I was trying 2 find the mothers day card today so that i could get my dickjob brothers 2 sign them so i could mail out the card and the present when i finished buying all the stuff. And so i remember when i bought the cards that i had left them in the bag by the side of the sofa. But they weren't there when i went 2 look for them, so i looked elsewhere.... EVERYWHERE else. And i couldn't find them anywhere. So i started getting a little frustrated. And i asked my brothers and they said they never touched it. So i looked some more, for like 2 hours. And still nothing. So i started getting really frustrated, shouting out a *FUCK...mumblemumble* everyso often. And my 2 brothers did nothing, just sat and watched tv. So i kept on looking and i was OBVIOUSLY pissed off because they were sitting on their asses doing nothing, while i was looking for a pack of cards, more specifically the mothers day card so that THEY could sign it and take credit for a gift that they had absolutely nothing to do w/. Finally i got so angry that i yelled at them and said something like *I NEVER TOUCHED THOSE CARDS SO I SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT UNLESS YOU GUYS MOVED THEM* and they didn't move and i said *ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU GUYS AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING HELP ME LOOK* and then terence (who btw is really REALLY pissing me off these few months) said *Well maybe if you picked up your 'garbage' once in a while we wouldn't throw it away* and i said *GARBAGE, IS YOUR FUCKING MOTHERS CARD CONSIDERED GARBAGE?!????* and by that time i was so angry that i started screaming and punching walls and floors like crazy. Good lord, when ever that happens to me (which hasn't been very recently) i get so angry and i have so much trouble breathing. Its times like that that i really scare myself because i really can't control what i do and i basically feel no pain.... which might be a good thing eventually.... but anyways so i went into my bathroom and cried a lot and hurt myself some more. And i was really really upset because i really wanted 2 talk 2 someone but i didn't know who i could call. I wanted to call jess but she changed her cell phone and i didn't know it off by heart yet. I guess its probably bad that i keep all this stuff inside me, but call it habit or something but i just can't voice it. I called my mom while i was in the bathroom and i think i really really really wanted 2 tell her how upset and sad i was feeling but i just couldn't get the words out. And whenever i got close my voice started to crack and....and then i'd just stop. What bothers me really the most i think is not just that i'm starting to turn back into my old pain inflicting, depressed self. But also the cause of it. When i was younger....i'm not sure what really depressed me, but one of the reasons i couldn't bring myself to really kill myself was that i was worried about all the loved ones who i'd make sad. Now though, its actually almost like those loved ones are the ones who are making me depressed. My two brothers are so distant it seems and even though we live in the same household, we dont carry on coversations like we used to and we're not even close to being as close as we used to. I dont live w/ my parents anymore and my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents rarely see me anymore anyways. So it really feels like nobody will really care if i'm gone because i wasn't there in the first place. Whenever my grandparents or uncles call out, they always ask for terence or felix. And kinda sorta same w/ my dad. Oh god i feel so left out of my family right now. And its like i dont really know anyone else i can talk to. Jessica rarely talks to me anymore as it is. And iris has her own family out here, and cathy is always with her boyfriend. So really i dont know what i should do.....It really really makes me sad that this blog is turning back to the depressing blog that it originally used to be