been awhile

Today I cried. I haven't cried in a really long time and since i pretty much only cry when i'm depressed it meant today i was depressed. It was an extremely shitty day today. So many past memories came flooding back to me today in the rain. When i was walking 2 the bank I started thinking of how much my brothers were jerks. And how this problem could have been easily solved if he had just takin me back home (5 mintues away) so i could have gotten my cheques. But rather than that he didnt. So i wasted 45 minutes, which led to the closing of the bank before i could get there. I was so sad when i was walking there because those feelings of being uncared for started emerging again. I thought about running away again. But i didn't know where i could go. And like usually it was pretty much useless because no one really notices when i run away depressed and also i never have anyplace to go. I thought about going to Iris' but then i figured it'd be quite for her and my brothers wouldn't care if i went 2 iris'. So then i thought of cathy, but then i figured she was with her boyfriend and i didn't want to intrude. So i was left w/ going nowhere like usual but back home. GOD I FEEL SO USELESS. i have absolutely no idea where i'm going in life, and when something fails i just make up an excuse and chose a different path. I dont want to admit failure but at the same time i dont want to dissapoint my dad who puts so much faith in me. I hate myself because i always feel so uselss. eeeer i dont want to go back to being what i used to be because it was horrible and i hated always crying and not being able to sleep and hurting myself and lying to my family. I hope this little burst of depression goes away soon because I've already started to do the crying and hurting myself bit and its only been the first day.