when worlds come crashing down

what will you do then?

feeling kinda sad today. Just started going downhill after work. *sigh* Stupid KW and all this goddamn drama/gossip/bs. I'm going to sound like a such a contradiction, but I hate gossip and the drama it brings. I dont like gossiping really, but its impossible to get away from it at the kiosk. One of the reasons I didnt wanna go to the staff party was because I knew it'd be all jolly happy ha-ha there, but the second everybody left they'd start talking about each other behind there backs. So anyways, I was getting the cold shoulder today from one of my coworkers because I had told the other girls something that 'wasn't supposed to be said'. I just....I just....UGH don't people have anything better to do than just talk about things people tell them? It was like a whole he said that she said that you said..... fucking jesus. Like, I didn't even really care when she said bye to everyone else but me, but later on I started to get really upset. I mean, the stuff that she tells me she always says *dont tell anyone okay* but I already know that everyone probably already knows and shes also told them 'not to tell anyone'. So like, yeah I guess it was noisy of me to tell my co workers that, but if she didn't want anyone to know, or is ashamed or whatever, then why do it, why ask me what I think. It obviously bothered you so much that you didn't want anyone to know, so why ask me for my opinion. You knew what I would say, you know what everyone else is gonna say so like....why? fuck man.
And then, after work I started getting sad because....I got my studio now but I cant get any furniture for it. I need some tables and a shelf and I'm trying trying trying TRYING to get someone to help me move stuff into the studio so I can start working and everyone is just super busy. And I feel so useless. SO. USELESS. Sitting at home getting yelled at by people for not coming to pick things up and it just makes me more and more sad.
Ugh. Its days like today that makes me hope I die soon. I have such little faith in society and I certainly dont want to have to live another 60 years here.

What goes up....

.....must come down.

Sorry about the slightly negative sounding title. I've actually been having a really good past few days since coming back from BC. The guy I like has been talking to me a lot more lately, which is kinda unexpected. Ha-ha. I mean I really enjoy it, but I'm not sure if its just cause he thinks I'm an 'interesting friend' or whatnot...... *sigh*..... I remember few years ago Jeff told me that I give off mixed signals and 'signs' that I'm uninterested in guys (when in reality I am) and what bothers me is that I have no idea how to take down these said signs. I wonder what guys are thinking and what guys mean when they say certain stuff. Mmmm, like the first one was.... when he msged me that one nite when I was in vancouver and I asked him to the staff party. He said something like 'oh no thx all KY has is old ladies. Well and you' ......means nothing right? And then same conversation, he said it would be awkward having him hit on my coworkers especially considering how we met. That one sounds like he's not interested at all to me. But then, the next day I get a msg from him asking if I want to go to a party with him and his buddy's (keep in mind he's never asked me to do anything before) and I was kinda happy because it seemed 'slightly interested' And then, he texted me randomly few days ago and that just started up a mini chat/conversation which led to him offering to drive me home after work, which I messed up :( But like, sometimes the conversations we have seem more like 'just friends'. Like, he'll tell me about girls he's interested in yadda yadda yadda.......I guess, it doesn't help that I always pull that *too cool* card. Like he'll say something about a girl and I'll say *yeah shes cute* but in reality I'm kinda sad he didn't say *you're cute*....... ha-ha :( But then, the next day, after not talking to him the whole day, he sends me a msg around the time Id normally get off at KY asking 'need a ride today?' ....that sounds like hes interested right? But then.... he always brings up pof and if I've met any new guys or whatnot.... I feel like hes telling me to keep trying!! And then the last thing was today, he was on lunch break and swung by to talk to me. But for a longer than usual time. I had my lunch break too, so we kinda walked around and gossiped before he left........
Aaaah I dunno. I think I just have such a crush on him and am therefore overthinking too much. Either he knows I like him and he just wants to be friends, or he thinks I'm not interested and is just being friends. D: Aaaaah, I'm positive its the former, but still so confusing :(

poooooo :(

someone likes messing around with me don't they?

sigh. such a bittersweet week last few days i have been having. Remember super crush? Of course you do, all my entries for the past few months have been about super crush. Well anyways, remember how I was saying hes never 'initated contact'? Yeah, it was always me starting up the conversations. Everyone at KW was saying 'i dont think he's interested.....' and I probably knew they were telling the truth, but I still have a pretty big crush on him. So anyways I kinda just let it be, I msg him every so often to chat nothing serious. But, while I was in Vancouver, he msged me randomly on FB. Just random conversation, and I decided to ask him/see if he wanted to come to KY's staff party. Hahaha obviously he couldn't come because he had other plans already. So yeah can't say I didn't try right! Yadda yadda, fast forward a few days. I'm at C's checking my email and....what the... theres an email from super crush..... and....he asked me to come hang out with his friends at a party...... hahahah you guys have no idea how pleased I was when I read that email. I screamed and called I over ro read it and then gave her a hug, I was so happy. Hahaha I sound so lame right now I know but really it was the LAST thing I was expecting. but anyways, since I was out of town I coudln't make it either..... *sigh* .......*siiiiiiiiiigh* Such bad timing D:
So anyways, fastforward few more days. Im back in town now and I'm talking to super crush on FB and he says hes gonna call cuz hes too lazy to type. (I suppose whenever we talk on the phone hes always the one that calls me......) so then we're talking he asks me how POF is, I say same ol same ol. (not interested if hes asking me that right?) Anyways, I still like talking to him just cuz he does lots of talking.....tells me stories that make me laugh... hahaha..... well that night we talked till like 2am about random stuff, and hes got class tmo I feel happy that he stayed up to chat. Anyways nothing serious as usual. He says bye, I say bye, we hang up.
Now, TODAY. I am at KY just starting my shift. It is supah slow so I go to check my phone and super crush has texted me! Just a random funny story. I laugh, and msg him back. So its kinda back and fourth texting. I'm cashing out and he sends me *if I dont reply its because my phone died* and I reply *hahah np. I'm heading home now so if I dont reply its because I am getting mugged* (testing to see what he'll say) He says *I'm at the library right now if you want a ride? holy shit! hahahah i was hoping hed ask but I didnt think he would!! So then I kinda hint at yes, and then I start walking to campus. I ask where he wants to meet, but..... he doesnt' reply..... I wait a bit, then walk to the library but its already closed....... yeah figures right. I have the worst luck. His phone probably died and he just went home. So, I just head to the lrt and take the train home, feeling kinda sad. I get home, have some dinner. 10 minutes later he calls me saying *it sure is taking you a long time to get here?* and i'm like *.........ohno......i'm home already......* and then he says oh okay thats fine. bye *hangs up* Oh my god, I felt so bad. I just assumed, with the luck that I have theres no way a guys gonna wait for me hes just gonna call it a day and go home right? But of course not, its gotta go the exact opposite of what I think. Fuuuuuuuuck. I thought he was so angry because he waited for so long. *sob sob sob sob* Why do I have SUCH bad luck? D: D: D: Anyways, I sent him a msg later apologizing but he told me not to worry about it and he said he was more worried than angry, so that made me feel better. Ha-ha...... *sigh* I cant believe I stood super crush up........

Said the bumble bee to the porcupine

Hey. I actually felt really good today. Like a small amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders or something, even though nothing really happened. Well I suppose nothing "productive" happened. Someone up and called me out of the blue yesterday and talked for a little bit. He asked about my FB status which I was kinda surprised about. Haha, anways, apparently he was having some slight relationship problems so he wanted to hear about someone else's problems for a change. (He really only ended up telling me about his problem but whatever)

Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the face

Hi Sports Fans!

Anyways, so I've been semi worrying lately that I need a fourth job......I feel like I'm not working enough/ making enough money. My 2 jobs at KW & KY combined dont even give me full time hours so I worry about how am I supposed to pay for rent, pay for my studio, pay for groceries, pay for supplies and fabric etc etc. I mean, how is it now that I'm needing a job to pay for whats supposed to be my job for the rest of my life? I worry if I'm on the right path or not and if I'm wasting my time chasing a design career. I always always believed that as long as I could wake up happy and wanting to go to work it woudn't matter how much I was making. Sanity is much more important than wealth.....or so I believed. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes realizing that I've spent 6+ years in school and I'm still waitressing. (and I'm not even happy there....) My nursing friends sometimes make more in a week than I do in a month and I wonder if 1/2/5 years from now I'll still be okay with that......
I mean, when I have time to design/draft/sew I love it, but I wonder if I'm capable of making a living do it......Did I waste another year in school chasing another fairy tale dream?....And The real sad thing is, the second I started having these thoughts I immediately thought about going back to school. I didn't even wanna attempt to see if I could do it.....I just looked for the next escape. I'm so scared of failure sometimes it makes me wanna vomit. Blaaaaaaah......

I know I know I just worry too much about other people and what pthey think, I should focus on what I want yadda yadda. But just in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, sometimes your mind gets the best of you......


Does that make sense? I feel like it kinda doesn't but yeah....

Anyways I gotta go to bed now. I somehow managed to rack it up to 4am again. *sob sob*

I feel very sad today

...yes I do. I woke up super early to get the keys for the new studio. Shoulda been so pumped. I sewed for an hour after then came home and slept for a couple. Just woke up and I totally recognize this feeling. The one I hate to have. I just....my mind is really clear right now, but my chest.....my heart feels really sad. I dunno. I dunno. I'm really tired, and I really really REALLY dont want to go to work today. I dont feel like being very social, and I kinda just wanna stay at the studio and sew. Ugh. I suppose I knew this one was coming. Having to much of an up period means it was bound to come down. So lonely sometimes. I guess .... yeah I'm pretty lonely. Meeting too many new people has its ups and downs. The downs being when your feelings aren't returned. I just want someone to hold my hand and give me a hug every once in a while is that too much to ask?

Russian Tea Room/ HBD

25 years old doesn't feel very different from 24 years old doesn't feel very different from 23 years old.....

But anyways so yah its my bday today!....well it was its 1 52AM now so I suppose it was my birthday. Switched shifts so I had today off and get to work Halloween. I went to get my palm read today. $60 bucks which nwo that I think about it was kinda pricy, but whatever, once a year. Anyways, the people at RTR were scarily accurate. I got a tarot reading and palm reading. The first 3 cards the lady drew she said to me *oh my god, you are working too much you have a lot of stress and burdens on your shoulder....a lot from work yes problems at work. Where do you work at?* Then I said I work at KY, KW and sew pt as well...... (the lady who read lings palms told her 'your good with your hands and are very caring, are you a nurse?') Um....fuck I already forgetting what she told me. She said my mom might have some minor health issues, especially in her neather regions. My moms side of the family, possibly my Gramma will also have some minor health issues. One of my brothers, the more *charming* one will be having a relationship soon. One of my friends will be having boy problems and end it with a bf shes been on and offing it again (chanda holy crap that was fast) Um....she said I was going to go on a trip in the near future (i laughed because I'm going to vancouver end of November) She said I'll do a lot of travelling and she sees a major move in the next few years. Like a permanent move. Um....the 3 questions I asked were #1 about the guy I like right now. I asked if it was worthwile to pursue or is it just a random guy in my life I shoudn't worry about. She said if it develops it will be nice relationship. He is very mature and has good relationship with his family but a little tiny drift between the father. Then I asked about my work, if I was on the right path or not. And she said *it will work out, but thats all, it will just *just* work out. You won't make it big but you'll just get by*. She also said I would probably be going back to school maybe come September. (Totally weird because I've been thinking about taking up Massage Therapy a lot recently.) Um so yah, she said if I move it will be better for my career. Something to do about going South for lots of inspiration. Um...and then for the 3rd question I coudln't think of anything so I just asked about my health. She said I'm in very good health, but I'll probably be getting some back problems down the line (if by down the line she means now then yes she is also correct there!) Relationship-wise she said I should expect to meet someone withing the next 6months... something about February I think. He will be very mature with brown or dark blonde hair and brown eyes.... Something about meeting him via friends. But I shoudln't go around asking it'll just be a random encouter and it goes from there. At least she said he was caucasian right!
And for my palm reading, she told me that I have lots of stress..... lots of worries.... sees me going back to school again. oh OH and children wise she saw 3....at least 2 for sure and the 2nd one will be an *oopsie* Hahahaha. I didn't ask when I would die (The lady told ling she'd die when she was 85). Then she asked me if I had any questions to ask. What I would be going back to school for. And she said (obviously) to better my education.... (really vague I know) then I asked when am I going to get married. She said *I see the number 25* o_O hahaha but she said *You'll probably meet someone in your 25th year and this person I see you having a strong union/bond with* hahah Yay! And then I asked about my ex. I told her a one sentence summary, and asked if we should still try to be friends or if I'm just asking for problems down the road. She told me she doesn't like to asnwer these questions because its more my choice....crap I cant remember what she told me. But she said, the guy that you are going to meet the relationship will be much more calm and reliable, because you have trust issues I know, but it will feel much more comfortable. Your last relationship was very up and down and not reliable, this one will be better..... double yay! .....um..... thats all I can remember for now I'm so tired. Forgot I have to open at KW tomorrow. double F.....

But on a side note I am so excited for Friday. hohohohohohohoh.......

I don't trust love very much. It's a temporary impulse that makes you lose yourself and forget whats important to you.

This is a line I pulled from a manga I've been reading. At this exact moment in time I feel it is perfect. Just perfect.

Anyways I was just re-reading my last entry. I do not remember typing that at all but even when I'm reading it I feel like it hasn't expressed what I was feeling that nite. I just can't explain it. :( *sigh* Well anyways. Today is Sunday and I went to have dinner with Michael. I knew it was going to happen but after we got into that argument I knew he was going to call me/msg me 2-3 days later to apologize. I suppose thats why I wasn't that angry, but still. So he msged me on Friday (super crush came to KY that day too btw!) saying sorry, and that he still wanted to see me on Sunday for dinner and after that he would disappear. I didn't have time to msg him back till midnight when I was at my studio. So I had a long (calm) talk with him. I said that I cant handle it when you tell me that you want us to be together again. We're not on the same page anymore when you say those things. I only want to be friends right now and if you're not able to accept that then I guess its not going to work. Crap do I sound like a jerk? I just....I was trying to explain to him....about finally taking of those Rose colored glasses. You know. For the longest time I always thought I'd never find someone who I'd love as much as him. But after I made that decision to move on it was just like *click* I started seeing all the holes in our relationship. He made all these promises to me to A) quit smoking, B) quit gambling, C) quit drinking. I never asked him to do any of these and he was the one who said that he would quit all the above for me, but never got around to doing it. Towards the end of my program at Marvel when I was starting to burn out he would get really angry at me when I didn't wanna have sex cuz I was really tired. What is it with guys and not being able to keep it in there pants? I'd remember those few times when I'd be so SO drowsy from taking sleeping meds and he'd still want to do it so I'd just let him even though it was like 1AM and I had to get up early the next morning..... But I think the number 1 problem in our relationship was the communication barrier. I never really thought it was anything, but I think a lot of our fights were because of miscommunication. Sometimes I would try to explain something in Chinese and I wouldn't use the right words or whatever, or I'd say it in English and maybe he wouldn't understand. So.... we would always be on each other backs because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I think thats why I'm not really interested in Asians right now. I dunno M/B are trying to introduce me to a Chinese/Filipino guy and I'm just not interested. At all. I want a nice cute white boy.....it must be the family curse....
Okay, well back to the story, so I tell him, that I only want to be friends right now. I dont know whats going to happen down the road but at this moment I dont want to get back together. I said just try to move on right now and dont wait for me. And he said I will wait for you forever. Its just, stuff like that that makes me really frustrated. I honestly dont think we'll get back together again (ironic isn't it that a mere 2 months ago I was telling everyone I always always thought we would get back together again....) so then compressed version is I said I'll see him on Sunday for dinner but only if we go as friends. (am I being selfish for making him do that.....)
So then today, Sunday, we meet up for dinner. The first 3/4 was really good. Not awkward at all, just talked about the usual. Work, family, things that piss us off KY gossip yadda yadda yadda. Went for ramen and ice cream. Then he walks me back home and comes into my building with me. I say you dont have to come in with me you know. Then he asks me for a hug.... and I pause....but we still hug and when I go to back away he holds on to me. And says *you really wont give me another chance?* And.....I just stood there again with that dumbfounded not knowing what to say/how to explain/is this happening again? I walked away mumbling random words. I dont know why my brain just stops working when this happens?? So he said he was sorry again, and gave me my birthday card and present. He wrote it a long long time ago he said, and the present is a bracelet which I haven't opened yet..... So then, I said thanks and that I was going up now and gave him another hug and said *sorry I'm not going to kiss you this time* and he said *I want to* and started to follow me into the building and I dont have those feelings for him anymore, I just can't explain the feeling I had but he followed me and when I went into the elevator he grabbed my arm and I just said Please.....don't..... and then the elevator closed. My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry this time.......
I think to you guys it sounds like I still love him. But I'm telling you I dont. I just feel nothing anymore when I see him and when he talks about us or the past or wanting to kiss me I feel really really uncomfortable. Probably because now I dream about kissing super crush.......

my brain feels like it has exploded right now. I'm not comprehending anything. Anything. I dont even know what I'm feeling, I'm so f-ing confused right now. Since that day Michael told me he wanted to get back together, he's been sending me messages non stop. Good Morning. Good Night. Dress Warmly. I Miss You. I dont know the word to describe it but I got somewhat..... overwhelmed? upset? Then he started calling me randomly, (I want to say drunk but I'm not sure) and it was making me really really.... angry? sad? So this morning he asks me out for lunch and I....I'm so drowsy. I cant remember what happened. He asked me out for lunch on my lunch break and I said no. Then he asked me what I was doing after work, and I said I wnted to go to my studio to get some stuff done. and he said *Fine, I will stay at home* And I dont know why but that made me really upset, cause it sounded like he was angry with me? So i msged him back saying. 'you already asked me out for dinner on sunday I said I will see you then, I really am busy I have lots to do, I've been working 14 days straight' and then he replied back saying 'sorry dont be mad' and i replied back saying I'm not mad. Later on in the day I get a msg saying *I am coming to see you, I am at KW now* And I dont know why I got really really scared. I told my coworker and I started crying. On the spot at the kiosk. I dont know why. But I was scared what was going to happen when I saw him. I guess, I just feel that he is kind of an unstable person (I'm not any better I know) and was scared something might happen. Anyways I seen him walk past twice, because he doesn't know where I work and I.....I started to feel bad? So i left the kiosk and went to see him. And like.... I guess it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be but it was still really awkward. I coudln't look him in the eyes. I dont even know why. But everything that comes out of his mouth I dont want to listen to. He asks me if I'm bothering him, if I dont want him to call anymore, if I dont even want to be friends. And I dont say yes. If I say yes, yes I dont want you to call me anymore, I feel bad. Really bad. If I say no, no I still want you to call me I feel like I'll be leading him on and lying to myself. Why, why the fuck do I think that we can still be friends. Who am I trying to impress and what have I got to lose by losing you? After I talked to him briefly at KW I told him I was really upset that he was sending me messages every day. And then he said sorry I'll stop, and then I said I had to go back to work and he walked away. I felt SO bad. Again, I dont know why. When I got off work I sent him a message seeing if he was still in the mall and that I was going to catch the bus. He said that he was at a pub drinking and that hes not going to bother me anymore. I said your not bothering me, I just dont want you messaging me every day every minute. Its confusing me because you say you still want to be friends but you send me stuff like that thats obviously not 'just friends' intentions.
And then the last message he sends me is *I want to be friends but I dont think it is a good idea because I am worried what I might do when I am with you* ...... no comment. So I go home and take a nap. When I wake up Michael calls me and is telling me.....telling all kinds of stuff. My brain felt so cloudy becuase he was telling me ALL this stuff about his regrets and the past, and how bad he felt because he was never there for me. I dunno if it was just too muhc information or what, but I coudln't say anything. There was so so SO much I wanted to say but I didn't know how to. It was like there wasn't proper words to express msyelf with. And in the end. Obviously we got into a fight. I just gave up because i couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say and I said I didn't want to talk anymore. He got angry, hung up and then sent me 2 messages commenting on what I said. and then he said Good Bye. It seems so miniscule what I'm complaining about but it made me so so drowsy. I had just woken up from a nap and yet my brain was so cloudy. I took 2 sleeping pills just to ease the mind, althought I was already pretty drowsy to begin with. And the real kicker is. All this time while michael was talking to me all I could think about was calling my crush. It was ALL i could think about. I cried of course, but while I was crying I just thought about that time he called me to talk. I hate it when I get so obsessed over a guy that I make up the worst reasons that make it okay for me to do soemthing that I would normally not do. I thought, I'll ask him out for drinks so we can talk. I'll ask him why he hasnt been to KW lately. I'll ask him how school is. Would I really do that? No no i wouldn't. I dont know why I always fall for guys who dont show interest in me. It took so much talking to myself to not to call/text him. I'm so stupid sometimes. Stupid and upset and worried. I have so much stuff I want to do and I'm so drowsy right now. 2 pills kick in so fast holy crap. Anyways, I dont know what I'm going to do about michael. It seems pretty obvious right now that its over, and we cant even be friends. But i have a feeling I'm going to be pretty sad and might end up calling him. But the only thing I want right now is to talk to my crush....

poor you ... you will meet your "shinning aromr " soon

aka advice from my best friend.

um...... so......i'm not sure why i'm on here again..... originally I was going to write a happy happy post, but I got kinda bummed out..... so now I dont know what I want to write.... I suppose the joke I had wasn't that funny so lets just move onto the real reason why I have this blog. I'MA SO SAD...... D: D: Why are my emotions like a fucking roller coaster? holy shit. whatever did I do in my previous lifetime to get what I've gotten this time around? I'm so so SO confused 70% of the time. I know I know I know, I always fall way to fast for crushes that I have, so when I finally find something bad about them it crushes my heart. I mean, I know its gotten bad that whenever someone tells me something negative I jump to defend him. I just (not going to say really like) have a really big crush on this new guy right now. Like what kind of advice do I take. everyone at KW keeps telling me *move on/find another guy/hes CLEARLY not into you* but how can you tell??! I admit that I did feel kinda sad (before they gave me this advice) that he never msgs me first, and I'm always the one starting conversations. but like.... I know that he's not looking for anything serious so ....so...... am I just being dumb?? I just really like the talks taht we have. *sigh* Well i guess on the *plus* side, he swings by to say Hi whenever hes at KW....does that mean anytyhing? Sometimes I wonder why I bother to ask these questions when its obvious I wont get an answer. But so anyways. yeah I still tell everybody I have a super crush on him and everybody thinks I'm crushing too hard, but what can I say, i can't help it. So....anyways about the *bad news* I heard from him. I totally wasn't expecting it and when he said it I was like *........oh.......* then I got a little sad. I know I've got it bad when I made up a reason for that habit too...... sigh...... SIIIIIIIIIGH.

Okay, I guess I really will tell you that joke, just to lighten up the mood. I was watching wheel of fortune earlier. The hint was "popular saying" and the board read: S_ _ A_ A _ _X.
I loudly proclaimed SAD AS A BOX!!! .....i thought it was funny.....

so, yesterday I kind of had a....a....i dont even know what i had. an episode of depression? mini breakdown? I feel a bit better now but I dunno if I over reacted or whatnot but just a bunch of unexpected things happened to me as the week progressed and the last one kinda shook me up. I dont even know what happened first. I guess... maybe the first thing that upset me was when I was at KW and M told me that I should never have to call a guy, and if a guy was interested in me he would be the one to make the first move. And like, I could totally see her pov, but I kept on defending my reason saying, *oh but this* and *oh but he also* And like, I could hear the words coming out of my mouth and I knew how infatuated I mustve sounded. But I was really sad because the more people I asked, the more they told me that *it sounds like the guy's not interested, your the one always initiating conversations, and he doesn't talk to you unless you talk to him first* And so that brought me down a little bit. I was like, why do all the guys I'm interested in don't care so much about me, and vice versa. The only other guy I replied back to on pof msgs me randomly all the time, but I'm just not drawn to him at all. Its ridiculous how often I fall in this situation. Whats even more awkward is that both pof guys know each other. Like 'good friends' know each other. So anyways. I was a bit upset over that but I was still like *I DONT CARE! I'm going to ask him out for coffee next week!!!* Few days later my classmate messages me about renting out a studio with her. And I was like *FUCK YEAH* I need a studio space SO bad. Whenever I get home I just get so lazy and I look at that pitiful *drafting area* that I have and then I go and climb in bed. So anyways I was really excited to get an actual studio space to be creative. And then, obviously because I'm an idiot, I started worrying again about doing this for the rest of my life. What if I just end up getting bored with it like every hobby I've taken up. What if my designs dont sell. What if I'm wasting my money again. What if I spend the rest of my life working as a waitress or at KW. So much doubt in my mind, and not enough confidence in myself. And THEN the big kicker of the week.........was when Michael asked me to get back together.....yup..... after year and 2 months of hoping and hoping and hoping that we would get back together. The week after I finally decide to move on and find someone else, he asks me to get back together. It took me so so SO long to get the courage and settle my emotions down enough to move on. And then this fucking happens. I would've been SO happy if he asked me 2 weeks ago before I developed this new crush. But no. Of course the SECOND I like someone else, he decides that he wants to get back. And of course, I dont have feelings for him anymore because I like this new guy who, of course, does not appear to have feelings for me. Its obvious that someone enjoys fucking with my life. I just....all I can think about now when I think about Michael is him walking away from me and breaking my heart. Ugh. I feel like I'm over reacting this time because I'm not even confused. I dont know why I'm so so sad, because I know what my answer will be, but I still just feel so down. Am I making the right choice again? I dont want to go back to Michael 'just because' its convenient. you know what I'm sayin?

why is trying to woo someone soooooo complicated.

*sob sob* Where is this dating rule book that everyone seems to have read cept me? I'm soooo confused. Is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy for coffee? What if said guy doesn't *appear* to be interested? I mean, everybody keeps telling me that I shoudn't always be the one initiating conversations. "If they guy doesn't message you at all, then he's not interested". But, at the same time, the conversations we do have don't feel like *nothing*.....Aaaaaah dunno. Its probably just cuz I have a super crush on him right now, but I keep on thinking theres nothing wrong and I should just go for it and see what happens. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart again? gaaaaah. Why do I always always fall for the same guys :( It would make me feel so much better if he sent me a message at least once........

has a new crush

I guess this entry will answer the question I posed 2 entries ago.... I kinda forgot what it felt like to have butterflies for someone again. hah. Well anyways, lets start from the begining I suppose. Its been over a year since I broke up with Michael. And I always always thought we were gonna get back together. But I guess I figured out we weren't/ wanted to move on. So I went onto a online dating site that T and M and a handful of other people I know are on.
First week was pretty bleh. I am probably secretlly still scared that I will meet another cement man. *shudder* Anyways, sometime later a guy messages me and its semi personal. Not the typical *hey/hi/whats up* And his profile seemed interesting enough so I just reply to his simple question. And low and behold he replies back! Hahah I sound so desperate but whatever didn't think much. Anyways, yadda yadda not to sure how long its been....just over a week I think but we've talked a bit more, and I get the butterflies before I msg him. So I guess that means I'm over Michael now........Which is good. I didn't think that it would be so *quick* Transference maybe. But anyways I'm kinda worried (again....) because this one is kinda the complete opposite of me? Reminds me of Shane, but more/less serious at the appropriate times. I also find him pretty funny too which is very good. Aaaaaaand, also through the magic of FB I kinda found out he was going to an event that R was also going to so I asked R to pick me up a ticket too so I could *assess the situation* hahaha (creep and loser I know) so anyways I got dressed up and went there and I totally recognized him when he walked through the door, but he walked past me the first time and I was semi glad he didn't recognize me. 20 or so mintues later we are walking around trying to do I dont know what but he taps me on the shoulder (scaring the living bejeezus outta me since I didn't know he was right there) and says hi! Hahah at that time I actually wasn't sure if I was going to say Hi or txt or call him or anything. But I was kinda surprised that he just said hi like that. Anyways long story short I'm really glad I went out that night and bumped into him. Even though we only talked for like 5 mintues, after both of us went home we talked on FB till like 6am about random stuff. I dunno I just feel really comfortable talking to him, and I feel like he doesn't judge me like Shane did.
Okay so then fastforward to the next day and I'm talking to him on FB again and like... I dont know him that well, but he sounded different.....less happy if thats possible. And, I dunno who I was trying to impress but we got on the topic of insomnia somehow. And I told him that sometimes I think too much which results in my insomnia. And then I suggested we get off the topic because it was kinda depressing and that Id have trouble sleeping if it got to serious. So then he said "if you want" and I asked him if he was okay because he didn't sound to happy, and he said he didn't want to get too deep into it for fear it might give me another sleepless night. So me, being the jerk I am I said *okay* and changed the subject. And after he signed off. I kinda fell into a slump. I dunno if I did it on purpose or what not (i certainly hope not) but I felt like a jerk for not listening to him. He said it was nothing but, I still feel like a jerk. I just... he asked me why I had trouble sleeping and I told him, but I couldnt care to listen to his problem.... gah. it just put me into a slump this morning that I haven't been able to shake. I'm sure (hope) that its nothing and he wont care, but I just feel really sad now for no apparent reason. Ugh my mind is so groggy because I've been having lots of trouble sleeping this week and I try to stay up as late as possible so that I can just crash when I crawl into bed, so my mind can't think. But on the plus side it appears that I'm losing weight from all this kuffufin :) My skirt I bought in China fits me now. yay......

How to Become a Monster

"My thirty-something years of life weren't even a bat of an eyelash in the universe's existence. And yet, I had put so much energy into living and loving. But everything I had loved had been ripped away from me and I was left with only the painful memory - like the luminous echo remaining of a few dead stars, reaching me here on earth. What I see is already dead. What I love is already dead." -Jean Barbe

I have never found a quote with which I agree with so much before. When I read it the second time I thought that it was perfect. the way I feel about life. about society. and about humanity. seems kinda negative, but it is true. Why do we exist and the point of our existance seems so miniscule. so so unimportant. hahah. And I wonder why I have no drive in life.
Anyways that quote is from a book I just finished reading "How to Become a Monster" Its... kinda a war story, but not really. Its about 2 men, one is a attorney defending a convicted murderer. and the other is the murderer/ radical. The begining of the book was kinda slow but like 3/4 in when it started to get into all that 'existance/ reason for being' stuff it got really good. My pov anyways...... just pleased to have found such a perfect quote. :)

why is there no instruction manual for life.

I suppose that would make it too easy wouldn't it.... but is that such a bad thing? I mean theres easy ways out for everything so why not life? I'm so confused right now because I think I realized I'm still in love with michael. I. Am Still. In Love. I just.... I signed up for an online dating thing because its been over a year since we broke up, and I thought I just need to meet someone to take my mind off michael (like michael made me forget about craig) so i was like YEAH thats exactly what I need. So I signed up like a few weeks ago. And theres one guy who i've been kinda back and fourthing ith with. And I just. I just CAN'T STOP wondering how michael will feel if he found out I was seeing somebody else. why why why WHY. why do I/should I care? I do still keep in touch with him, like he'll call me or i'll call him every 2 weeks or something just to chat. And we still joke around but I think I really do miss him still. Yesterday he sent me a txt saying to 'remember to wear a thicker jacket because its getting colder' ......uuuuugh. why is this haaaaaappening D: Randomly today I told M about Michael and how we broke up and how I always always thought we would get back together and it felt so weird reliving those exact moments that I never want to remember. But at the same I'm worried about what him being alone and what he'll do/ what'll happen to him if i start seeing somebody. I suppose I still consider him a friend (if not a bit more than) but what's gonna happen to this relationship if I were to start seeing somebody. And why am I even worrying about losing this friendship? ugh too tired to think D: D: D:

hating here

i really really hate ....what do i hate i dont even know. I just hate living here right now. I hate that my brother is so fucking lazy and all he can do is spend money on useless crap, and how selfish he is. i hate saying this but, sometimes the only thing i feel he is good for is spending money. he helps out with the financial stuff but thats it. doesn't do the dishes, doesn't throw out the trash, doesnt clean the washrrom, doesn't sweep the floor, doesn't cook, doesn't do the bottles, doesnt do anything except the easy stuff. vaccum. order pizza. drive to mcdonalds. vaccum. fuck piss me off so bad. today i had to work at 12-9. so i sent him a text asking him to cook the salmon that i had brought out a few days ago to defrost. i sent him simple instructions on how to cook the salmon. rinse, pat dry, season, pan fry for 3 mintues. make rice and veggies if you like. i come home at 9 30 and what do we have for supper? salad. fucking SALAD. i was, (and still am) SO pissed off. i just cant comprehend, how can it be so hard for someone to do something so simple? I just want to move out of here so bad. SO FUCKING BAD. and if i dont move i just want to fucking shoot myself in the face. i just can't believe this guy sometimes and how he doesn't think sometimes. I have such bad chest pains right now. and to top it off. i was so SO angry tthat i did the stupidest thing imaginable and called michael. well actually i msged him asking if he was still up. and he called me back and i told him what happened and the first thing he said to me was *your so childish* he always scolded me when we were going out for not understanding, but he's such a hypocrite himself. he never understood me at alll either. we make such a bad couple and yet its still him that i think of to call first. fucking jesus. i just..... i just can't believe that he couldn't understand hhow upset i was. and what does he do, just adds more fucking fuel too the fire. i dont even know why i still bother to call him when i'm so upset. every single time i've ever called him when i wanted to talk to he would always make me feel even worse, making me feel like it was my fault. i just cant understand some people. when i call someone to rant about something i'm upset about i really just want someone to listen and maybe say *oh thats too bad* not *OH YOUR WRONG* fuck fuck fuck. theres times when halfway through his sentence i just want to fucking hang up on him beause he just doesn't understand how upset i am. good god. i mean i guess i shoudln'tve called him since it was 10pm/past his bedtime but if he didn't want to talk/was in a bad mood then dont call me back. i've told him a million times beefore. if your in a bad mood dont call me. dont come out with me because your going to put me into a bad mood too. jesus christ i dont even know why i'm still so hung up ovver him. hes not very polite, he smokes, he gambles, hes kinda conceited and he doesn't get along with his family. its like a million things i look for in a guy that he doesn't have and yet all i can do is think about him. fuck fuck fuck FUCK. i just wanna move outta this place and away from everybody.

The right path....

hey everybody.
I guess I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging again. I was going through the first 2 years of my blogs re-reading all my entries and it makes me laugh at how simple my complaints were. no wonder I didn't have any followers. ha-ha...... well anyways. I've been staying up late a lot these past few weeks trying to get some sewing done. I've got some pieces on consignment at Bamboo Ballroom so hopefully I'll start making stuff on a regular basis now.
....But....speaking about starting to design again. I dunno why, but I'm starting to wonder about whether or not I'm really going to be happy being a fashion designer? I just feel like its such a superficial job now. UGH. how come I can't realize this stuff BEFORE i've spent ten grand on schooling.... After talking to Sarah at work, and reading Survivor, i just feel like I want to spend my life doing something more....helpful something more fulfilling. i've been having these thoughts of taking some massage therapy courses or something.... I'm still using my hands I'll be helping people at the same time. Its not even that this thought suddenly came up, I've thought about it before but it was always on the backburner. If i really did pursue this at least I would be garaunteed a job, and i'm sure the wage would be pretty good. And...and....and i dont know..... uuuuuugh..... the problem is, the problem is what I'm doing right NOW. i'm supposed to be a fashion designer. and i tell everyone i'm a fashion designer, and everyone thinks i am a fashion designer. but I'm having my doubts..... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *sob sob* Its just so stressfull right now. I'm telling everyone that I'm trying to save up money to set up my studio, and i'm designing on the side. but its all so frustrating because I'm having these second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really cut out be a fashion designer. I feel so timid compared to everyone else. And theres that part about me having such a superficial job for ther est of my life. If i wanna start looking into massage therapy I need to do it now. I dont want to spend years setting up a studio and designing and then realize again, this isn't what i want to do. and then have to go back to school again..... uuuuuuuuuuuuugh i'm so so so confused......

is pretty sure.......

I dont really know how to explain this feeling that I have.... but i'm pretty pretty *pretty* sure that i'm gonna die in at most a couple years. I'm all done school (for now) and I'm just not feeling happy with life. its super mundane, and everything is driving me crazy. Trying to get some weight off my chest, but whoever i tell, i feel like doesn't take me seriously. I'm pretty sure I should see a psychiatrist, but I haven't. 10+ years of knowing that and trying to tell someone that I need their help, their support and nadda. I dunno if I'm just that damn unlucky that no one I knows thinks I have a problem or if their just naive. Does no one believe that their sister, their friend, their daughter could have depression? That more and more often she wonders what the hell shes doing still alive? Why bother fighter sometimes i wonder. I look around me and i seriouisly wonder why the hell would anybody want to live in this world. Humans are killing it and we're killing ourselves. Why stick around and be a part of the problem.
I'm kinda getting a headache right now but I want to get some thoughts out. If you were so SO unfulfilled with life the only thing you looked forward to was death that would be kind of a goal...rather release....it would be your release, the one positive thing you looked forward to in life. And if you were depressed and just wanted to die, imagine how it would feel if people were telling you *no no dont do it dont die think of everybody you'll leave behind, think of all the pain you'll cause.* has it ever occured to anyone to think about that depressed persons pain? The pain of having to live every day because someone else told them to? denying them the one thing in life that had meaning? I dunno, its bad but thats the way i've been looking at things lately.
I talk, smile, laugh, play, work. but in the end i feel like it doesn't matter. at one or more points of time during the day i'll ponder the meaning of life. The second we're born, the only thing that we can be sure of is. you'll die. Thats the outcome of everyone. no ifs, ands or buts. and if that was the case. whats the point?
I'm just really tired of people not understanding how lost i am and how awful Im feeling. I've always said i dont know if its better knowing so much and worrying all the time, or being happy and completely oblivious of the pain and misery around you? I'm pretty sure I would chose the former 9 out of 10 times. just seeing how materialistic society is. geting getting getting. buying buying buying. all for what? I sit at home sometimes wondering when i'll die, and i'll look over and see a pile of dishes, a mountain of bottles, bags of garbage sitting there for me to do. really makes me wanna keep on living hey? i just feel so stressed out, because i want to solve everything. and if i cant solve it, then i wont try. I want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to be equal. I'm always the middleman. but theres no such thing as equality. so the middleman is always screwed. Rather than having no problems but my own, now i have everyone elses, and i'm trying to solve theirs before mine. I'm not a messenger anymore, i want to scream. I'm so negative now. both my brothers talk to each other through me. I'm just so tired of being messenger. figuring out what each other wants, doing all the accomodating for them and figuring out all the planning so the only thing they get is black or white. I clean up the grey. I wish with all my might that my family wasnt so fickle. that someone could just say yes. no. yes. no. no more *i dont care, it doesn't matter* because actually. it does matter. it matters a lot. if i learned how to say yes and no instead of maybe, then i wouldn't be living a maybe life. and i could decide. do it. dont do it.

not feeling great

hiiiiiii......
sitting at home, watching tv. being unproductive. I actually feel kinda sick today, my stomache feels funny. ugggggh, im just falling into a slump again. i need a job so bad. I feel so horrible that I've finshed 6 years of schooling and i can't even get a fuckin retail job. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i just want.....a clean slate....an empty mind....nothing to think about nothing to worry about. job, one year plan, michael, being single. i dont know how people do it. theres so much stuff for me to worry about, and at the same time, the stuff i'm worrying about is SO DUMB. like.....how many millions of people are umemployed, or unable to work, and i cant just suck it up? i hate feeling this useless, wakingg up and having nothing to do. i hate that michael is so....so.....carefree??? am i complaining that hes too carefree???? wtf. this guy has probably less money than in his account than me, and the second he gets a bit more than that he spends it all on something useless. I dont understand why he can't see that HES NOT RICH ANYMORE. i feel like he's still trying to impress everyone with money that he doesn't have. he always scolded me for being so senseless and childish, and here HE IS blowing his life away. i cant even comprehend why i still care so much. ugh my brother just came home and asked me *how can you stay at home and do nothing all day*..... HAH. if he only understood how i feel. how ever day i stay at home makes me feel more and more depressed. makes me feel more and more confused and makes me wonder why the hell was i born if i can't succeed......

sigh

it's so bittersweet to be writing here again. writing here helps me to get some weight of my chest, but writing here also means that i'm usually feeling really depressed. *sigh*
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........

Corinna casts reactivation spell lv 3.

Wow. so its been at least a year since i last wrote a blog i see.... sorry blog, didn't mean to forget about you. thought about you lots but just never got around to writing. Well. A lots happened since I've last wrote an entry. Last may i started seeing someone. Which i guess would explain the lack of updating my life, since i started having an actual someone to tell it to rather than keeping it all to myself..... Probably the best and worst year of my life..... having said that we broke up a month after our one year. Needless to say i was pretty devastated. Just.... wrong time i guess. A year earlier or a year later and things just mighta worked out.... maybe.

But. If any one should know theres only one real reason why i used to write in this blog. Get things off my chest. To no one. Give an image to whats really bothering me. So another new thing thats happened in the past year is I've just recieved my diploma in fashion design. I really enjoy doing it and I dont plan on going to school anymore because i'm content with doing this as a career. Problem. Its required that we finish 180hours worth of unpaid work experience before we get our diploma. I originally wanted to do half at a small independant company, and half with a large scale company. I already did half of it with a local designer here in edmonton and I have to say what she does now feels like exactly what i want to do. Have a small studio to myself where i can just design and sew, design and sew. However. right after i *finished* this half practicum the director of my program informed me that i wasn't allowed to do *half*. I was kinda pissed off because i had alreayd gone over this with her MONTHS ago. and how she failed to realize and tell me before then i do not know. Anyways. at that time I told her i still wanted to go do a practicum with a big company (in New York). So while she went to look for someone to accept me I started to *work* at a seamstress/alteration store. I tried it out for 4 days but. It went really bad. The lady owner was SUPER nice, and really really tried to help me, but she was just too busy for me to be of any real help. It took me 6 hours to sew a dress that she could sew in 2. She tried to get me to do some alterations but she just ended up taking out what i did and re doing it. I just thanked her for her time and said that it felt like i was being more a burden than a help. She invited me to come in any time to watch/learn which was really nice. So... that was just last week middle of October. The director got a hold of me few days ago to tell me she got a connection for me in NY and the next step is to contact her and try and set it up. I dont know why but.... i dont want to go to NY anymore. Months ago i thought i would give anything to go back. I loved it when i went with the university and i've always said i've wanted to go back. But.... i just can't stop worrying about it. I'm low on cash and my original plan when i was intent on going to NY was that I'd be working full time throughout September till I left in January to make sufficient funds. And that I wanted to see what it would be like to work for a big company. I JUST started working a few days ago because I was unable to land a retail job like I wanted to. My parents have said they'd pay for any living expenses if I couldn't make enough so i was like okay. sure. But after i worked those few days at the tailor's I hated it. I just couldn't pick up sewing other peoples designs and their specific short cuts. I felt like I had to ask how to sew everything. After that I started to worry about going to NY and if that was what I was going to have to do. Only this one is going to last at least a month. And... unless they offer me a job as an illustrator I dont actually see myself staying in NY. So... is it worth it for me to go now? Jess tells me its worth the experience which I agree to an extent. But.... what if i've already decided that I want to open my own studio and just start selling small amounts like bridget. Maybe i'm just being scared and not willing to look at other paths but.... I'm starting to think that this trip to NY might not be worth it. I'm not making enough money right now to pay for it. And its kinda rude to get another job right now KNOWING that I'll be leaving in January. And then. When I do come back. I'm going to have to start all over again saving up money to rent a studio, and buy all my supplies. The seamstress suggested that i get started as soon as possible and to borrow money from my parents if I really had to. I just....i keep on thinking and wondering whether or not my decision to go to NY is the right one or not? I've wanted to go so bad but right now it just seems like its something i should put off because I don't see myself gaining anything from it. Just this week I've gotten so depressed over it because I feel the path is blurring. It just seems to be set in my mind now that this trip to NY is setting me back more than anything. uuuuuuuugh. I know i know, if i dont want to go anymore then why dont i just not go? I was the one that called up the director asking her to try and get me an internship in NY and she found this contact for me. I sent in my portfoio and resume and now it just seems like I'd get in so much shit if i told her i didn't want to go anymore. Ugh i get so stressed out when i think about it because it just seems to landslide. If i go to NY now i'm going to have to put off getting my studio set up at least till May? MAYBE. If I dont go to NY and just finish my practicum here I can work on the side and everything might start coming together by january..... i just.... i just dont want to waste anymore time i guess. I'm in a real slump right now worrying about this. Not really eatting well. And the fact that I couldn't keep that seamstress job bummed me out. Now i'm back at kyoto. waitressing. Not even at Downtown. I had to go over to southside cuz DT was over staffed. Its only been one day but i feel so sad. I know the people there, but its just not as friendly as DT. It used to take me 7 minutes to walk to work. Now i have to pay for a bus pass to take the bus to work. And when i get off work at 10pm it takes me at least 45 mintues to take the bus back DT and then transfer to another bus which drops me off in front of dowtown kyoto, where i proceed to walk that 7 minute walk home........ I'm just so sad right now. so so very sad.....

planning for my summer?

Hey all, after finishing my big china 302 translation project i decided to reward myself by reading 3 naruto mangas. This is where i found my next animethon costume! Hahah assuming that I'm still in Canada, let alone Edmonton, i'm gonna be Kimimaro from Naruto! Yaaaay. hahah whats with me and liking to dress up as efeminate men? Anyways, that pic on the right..no left hahah is Kimimaro. Of course i dont have his chest, or the ability to take out my bones... but you get the idea. Hahah. ....oh.... have i previously mentioned that I might be going to china again?

dilema, dilema....

dilema should be my middle name. lifes full of em' Okay, welp just gonna get straight to the point i guess. So something COMPLETELY unexpected happened yesterday. Um I came home after visiting my gramma and checked my email, and there was like 10 messages. wow. ive never gotten 10 messages in a week. And strangely there was a message from my chinese instructor....
So apparently I was chosen to receive a full scholarship to go to school in China for a semester that covers tuition, texts, accomodations and basic meals..... *holy....fuck....* I was totally not expecting that. I had to go lie down after. And when i got up i went to check my email again to make sure i wasn't dreaming. And then after i told jess and a few friends, i went to check it again. and then when i finally called my parents and told them. I checked it one last final time.... still there. geezus. I still cannot belive I got that scholarship. Like everybody i know must be thinking what the hell am i waiting for. Anybody else would jump at an opportunity like this. But. i dunno its not that easy a decision for me. Its really scary going to a place where you dont know anyone. Where after your class you dont get to go home to your familiar house, see familiar faces, sleep in your own bed. its scary. blarg.... i wish i got this notice after exams. I've still got a lot of hw to do, and exams to study for. Don't need another reason to keep me awake at night. sigh....
Welp, in anycase, i'm probably leaning towards yes... Its just really my nerves thats scared right now.

今天啦....

今天啦....很奇怪。哎呀， 我真的不明白这个世界。为什么我喜欢的人，不喜欢我。喜欢我的人，我不喜欢。今天我下班时我镇伤心心痛。为什么？因为....哎呀，因为他没有等我。每次一下班的时候，拜拜都不说就马上走了。虽然这是一件很简单的事，可是对我来说呢这是说他对我一点兴趣都没有。我也不是很喜欢很喜欢他。可是他一点感觉都没有真让我失望。我真不明白。他喜欢跟我开玩笑，有时候好像跟我调清....*sigh* 可能我想得太多了。也再来一个单相思啦。我不想 :(

i just wish that people could understand what i'm going through. That everything people say and dont say to me i keep it in the heart. I'm a sensitive shit. I dont like it when people are upset with me, and i dont like it when people ignore me. fuck my brother of all people should know that having been through the whole having a fake best friend ordeal. It hurts me so much to see someone who used to be so close to me become so distant. And at the same time be the one that causes so many people i care for so much pain. do you know what your doing to me? seeing everything that you do and don't do and all the pain that you put everyone through worrying so much about you? what the hell happened. why can't i have my old brother back.

Hi

Hi all. So much trouble sleeping these past few weeks. You guys every watch that episode of Star Trek where nobody achieves REM sleep, and they start to go insane because of it? You think thats real? Hahaha i hope not, i dont recall having any dreams for like the past year. I was going to write another complainer blog about how i can't fall asleep but whatever. Just one thing to mention. AhCong got a haircut. He looks like a 17year old boy.... So cute! Hahahahah HES ACTUALLY 26 OKAY !!

Lives in Strange Central

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not religious, and why I don't believe in a God or anything. Other times it's absolutely clear. This week as been one of those times when it's been crystal clear. I don't believe in god because he gives me no reason to do so. It fricken makes me want to die when I see rude little shits spending their parents money on gucci bags and gucci shoes not having to worry about their life because everythings already been set in stone. And then you go and compare it with people who try hard everyday in life, but just can't get ahead because no one gives them a break. It makes me sick. Fucking sick. I just dont understand. How could you have cancer? You're how old? I just don't fucking believe.... that if there really was a god, that he would have the heart to put someone through even half as much shit as you've been through. useless....

new year doesn't bring anything new

or anything really good actually for that matter.
Long, day today. So the annual CNY Banquet was today. Long story about that. This was the year that it was supposed to be a 10 person table full of all our friends. Somehow, fate threw in a pebble and messed it all up. I had 4 tickets for me, jess, ling and ben. a week b4 the banquet, and ben gets laid off, so he gives up his ticket. few days later, jess' grandpa in ottawa passes away, and she gives up her ticket. 2 more days later and ling gets a kidney infection and gets admitted into the hospital. Down to just me. sigh. What are the chances ey? I ended up asking the entire China crew, and managed to get Lisa and Shane to come. goot goot.
bat-bat. Banquet day arrives, i work lunch till 5pm, and then Shane is supposed 2 come pick me up at 5 30. At 12 00pm, my contact tears a tiny tear. Crap.what are the friggen chances. I've never tore a contact in my life before. The stupid thing is, i ran out of contacts at home, but only TWO DAYS prior, i was at WEM and i said EXACTLY: hmm... maybe i should pick up some contacts..... naaaaw, this pair is brand new it'll last for a while. Fuck me in the asshole what are the chances. So anyways. i decided that i'd take off work at 4PM catch the 100# to WEM pick up a new pair, and then catch the 100# back in time for shane to pick me up. Jeebus, right at 4pm all these customers came in, and they all seemed to want to keep me from leaving. I didn't leave kyoto till 4 20, and i realized that I wouldn't be able to make it to WEM and back by 5 30. So i just stuck around for 2 hours. at 5 30 shane blakely still was not here. I called him and he told me he was at home ironing his shirt. Reason number 53 why i dont like that guy, is because he's always late. At 6pm he still wasn't here, and i called again. If your gonna be late gimme a call or something please. I coulda made it to WEM and back. Right before i changed into my dress, my contact tore right in half and it made my eye water like a bitch. So i took it out and just went w/ one contact for the next 5 hours. Painful yes. I can't believe I didn't die. *sigh*
i miss jess and ling and iris and cathy. just not the same
.....on a completely different side note. Tara's BF came for the first year. Him and mister blakely got along extremely well. scary because they both seem to be so opinionated. But anyways, i was my normal self i'm pretty sure, and shane was his normal self, and we were our normal selves. Right after shane left, josh turns and asks me, *so whats the deal between you guys you two sleep together?* WHOA,WHAT??! i was NOT expecting that question, and i was like NO! he might look like that kinda guy, but i'm not that kinda girl. *oh really? no nothing, sorry i just thought that you guys did it once in awhile cuz it kinda feels that way* .....seriously???? HOW? i never realized that thats what people who sleep around are like....

you are my waterloo

Today is February 1st.
Fuck me, i'm screwed. Today is the deadline for applications to Parsons, the Design school in NY that I wanted to apply to. I didn't send in an application. Why didn't I? I dunno. I was scared, and i procrastinated. First thing was, it required a portfolio. I actually *started* working on it in late december, planning out what I wanted to do, stuff like that. Then all this stuff started happening. my gramma went to the hospital, Jess moved out, Kyoto closed down and then re opened. Stuff just kept on happening. And then in January I finally started to put together my canvases. I actually stretched and primed them. And.... and then i just stopped. Fuck. i just lost my ambition. At first i was all *yeah lets get working*. And then i started laying in bed, thinking to myself. What the fuck, i'm not going to get in. All throughout university my instructors have told me that I can't draw, and I can't paint. I tried for 4 years to get into the BFA and i never even got considered once. How the fuck am I supposed to get accepted into New Yorks top design school? why the fuck of all things did they need a portfolio. And so i never started my portfolio. And my parents thing i submited my applications and everything. And i dont even know what to tell them. My parents put too much faith in me, and all i really am is a lying failure. My dad said to me *go apply wherever you want to go, don't be afraid, I know you'll get in* And when he said that i wanted to cry right there. Because he has so much faith and confidence in me, and i dont think i'm any good. So i didn't even try because I was scared that i was going to get rejected, and i wouldn't know what to do. But now that the deadlines passed. I'm still fucked. NOW what do I tell them.

some please help me. i'm at a point where i'm completely lost and i have no idea where to go or what to do. more than anything i need direction to set be back on the path that i've wandered from.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Aaaaah, i haven't been this happy in a long time. Kehkeh-keh. I received a scholarship today! aaaaah i'm really happy, hahaha i read the letter like 6 times already. I completely forgot about it, and even when i was opening the letter I wasn't expecting it. It was addressed from the board of education or soemthing, and i thought that it was just going to say that I was eligible to graduate or something. But i opened it and read the letter and there was a 1000$ cheque inside. Aaaaah you guys have no idea how that made me feel. Hahaha not because of the money but because it made me feel pretty smart. Yeaaaah i know $1000 scholarship isn't very much compared to what other people get but it made me pretty happy. Because I worked really hard last year, and i honestly think i earned it. Last year was the first year where i was registered in 2 full course load semesters, AND working at the same time. Kept me busy, and i really earned it. At first i didn't really think a 3.4 GPA was very high, i always hear ppl get higher.... but when i think about it.... it's pretty damn good. Its really a confidence booster and makes me feel smart (something that i haven't felt in a long time) Hahahah- aaaaaah on cloud 9 here. yaaaaay!

just blank

don't really know what to write about today. But its been awhile. yaaap. I went over to Tara's today for secretsanta part-ay. Hahahah there was so much junk food. aaaaawesome. Anyums, just wanna drop a few lines. I'm doing okay, but at the same time not really. I'm not crying or anything anymore so thats all good. But I find that i'm talking to myself alot more.... and it sounds like I'm talking to a second person now.....it's kinda scarying me, but like i say things aloud like *fuck off* or *leave me alone* or *get the hell outta here*. When i'm just sitting at home by myself . I didn't think it was anything before, but i do it A LOT right now. like several times an hour if i'm by msyelf. And even sometimes when felix is here, and he gives me weird looks. freaaaaaak I need some help. le SIGH. Isnt it ironic how the one that people worry the least about is the one that needs the most help? I just hide my problems so well that they all rack up. and here's my faggity brother, probably just being a stubborn little cunt having people worry the shit outta themselves for him. aaaaah sucks.

But aside from THAT i think i'm doin okay. yup yup. i stopped taking sleeping meds and all that fun stuff. Aaaaand I stopped stalking him. hahah because literally I was. I still think about him a lot but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Its all good. but Yaaah what can i do. He's not even a very nice guy, i don't even know why i like him so much. He's pretty selfcentered, all he thinks about is getting laid, he's snobby, he doesn't care about others, he's kinda gross, hes actually kinda scary looking, he contradicts himself, hes a JERK hahah um...what else? he dresses kinda weird too.... hahah i'm not gonna list the things that i still like about him cuz i've done that before and its gotten me no where...but OH HEY!! i seen BARLEY today! hahaha i went to SSKyoto to pick up some sushi and right when i got inside, he came in too.. hahah ROCK ON! aaaaaah okay i think this is getting a decent length now. I'm gonna go and read soe of my previous happier posts and then read some other peoples blogs cuz i'm nosy like that.

New Day, New Start

Hey pookies. How ya'll doing? Unemployment sucks. I have so much free time on my hands I dont even know what to do with it. c-r-a-z-y. So yeah, i took some pictures, and uploaded one. This is me being silly. Trying to look pretty. This is what i wore to the charity auction yesterday. I liked my outfit. I like the top that I bought. But anyums, I wore a black flowy top, with a bow that tied up in the back. If someone was holding the camera for me I woulda took a back shot. Hahaha, then i wore the tights i bought in HK with the beads and bow ties. And my white shoes and pearls completes the look. One of my favorite *styles* is to wear almost everything in one color (usually black) and then a focal point/ shot of color somewhere. It looks really sharp. Guys who do this win my heart. yeh yeah. My hair looks better here than it did yesterday. Um... oh yeah, so change of pace today. I've been ranting a lot lately but I thought I'd mix it up and make this a happy entry by JUST commenting on the stuff that happened in the past few days that made me happy :)

Okay... i just wrote this giant entry on stuff that happened but i realized theres only really one thing that made me really happy this week and that I really want to comment on. Here goes...

On Friday the guy I like told me I looked pretty and kissed me on the head..... :) It makes me smile whenever I think about it.... Yeah i know i'm totally contradicting the entry i wrote yesterday, but its true. I don't expect anything from that because i know all we're ever gonna be is mutual friends... but its just one of those things that makes a girl happy. He was like an hour and a half late, and when i finally seen him show up, i pretended not to see him and started talking to my other friend. I heard him start introducing his friend and then when he got to me he gave me a hug from behind, told me i looked pretty and kissed me on my head..... not in a romantic gesture, but a friendly one. i just realized now what happened....haha. It was just something unexpected thats all. But like I said it was pretty much like before we met. I just want to get some distance between us is all. I didn't talk to him all night, but he came and sat down next to me and asked how i was doing. So yeah, back to square one i guess, cept that everytime i see him its not. hahaha. But, yeah, i'm gonna keep on saying this till I'm all good again. Distance is good. I'm not gonna go to the library just to visit him or sign in to msn just to see if he'll talk to me. gotta get back to normal corinna-mode.

i hurt.....

.... i just dont get it.... when i really want to see him, i dont. And then, the one time i dont want to see him, i do. its frustrating....I'm just REALLY trying 2 get past him right now. And, i was actually doing pretty well. T called me up to tell me waht time the party started. And then she said *oh btw so-and-so is coming*..... and i paused n said something in an unexcited voice. I just.... its one of those times when, your not angry at someone...but you dont want to see them, because seeing them makes you feel sad. And.... and he doesn't even know it. Yeah, i dont think it was that bad though.... kinda like before we knew each other when he'd sit over there, and i'd sit over here. And not talk. Just what i wanted right? But, it still felt sad when he left though. Frig i dont even know why. And THEN there was the whole deal with the event tonight too. I was pretty excited about getting 2 go to a semi-formal event. I haven't been to one in a long time. Me and Iris and Cathy used to go do stuff like that once a month. Watch ballet, go out 2 eat at pretty restaraunts.... I missed that. So yeah i was pretty happy 2 go do that again tonight. But like.... i dunno, it was pretty good at first, being dressed up, but like... the settings weren't the same. And..... i just miss cathy and iris. Cuz we'd sit around and talk and gossip. But here everyone would get up and wander and talk w/ their other friends. And then, after the auctions were all over D was like *hey you guys hungry? wanna go out and grab a bite 2 eat?* and i was up for that cuz i didn't eat supper yet, and thats what iris and cathy would used 2 do after an event too. We'd go over 2 Joey's and eat, and then cathy would go home and me and iris would walk 2 my place where she would probably sleep over. Plus i love food. and being dressed up and going out 2 eat. But after the auction was over everyone went 2 this tiny dance floor 2 dance. And... and i was in that lethargic mood again. And i felt stupid sitting at the table while everyone was dancing, so i went 2 the dance floor. And then i felt even stupider cuz i didn't want 2 dance so i just stood in the corner. I'm such an idiot. So i just ended up giving iris a call. And talking 2 her till everyone decided 2 leave.... oh and yeah, they decided they didn't want to eat, but instead chose 2 go 2 a club. How awesome. Dave gave me a ride home, but i kinda wanted 2 walk, he kept on asking me, and i just gave in cuz i felt bad. I miss my friends because we always want 2 do the same stuff, and we jsut sit and talk about random stuff. I always have a good time and i never leave feeling upset or sad. You guys have no idea....

加油。加油。

周明儿，你听到吗？你一定要加油，不可以再不开心啦。
yeah zhou-minger you got that? no more of this unhappy BS. You too gods up there, stop fuckin around with me and give me some breathing space between each bad day AIGHT. Yeah, so i feel better now. Lets just keep in that way. Right after jess left I got into a arguement with her over something stupid. I got upset, and I cried and hurt myself, then took a bunch of sleeping meds to knock me out so i'd fall asleep right away and not think about anything. I woke up and i felt like crap. went to class and still felt like crap. Sometimes i think its amazing that people can tell I'm down even when theres no chance. At work i can see how, i dont talk obviously. But in an hour long lecture w/ the lights down low, and only the prof's voice, I was really surprised that my classmate knew something was wrong. But i ended up calling shane out to talk.... i ...i REALLY dont know why i called him out of all people.... it was the first time ive seen him since halloween. I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out. I was wrong. He asked me what was wrong, and i started crying....and then we went 2 HUB and it just went downhill from there. FUCK it was so frustrating, there was so much stuff I wanted to say and i couldn't get the words out. I opened my mouth like 50 thousand times and all i got out was *i...i....i dont know...* After all, how is someone supposed 2 help me if I dont tell them whats wrong.... So in the end he said he had to get back to work, because we sat there for an hour and i barely got any words out. Haven't talked to him since. Figure someone would be a little bit more worried about me than that hey? ah whatever. So anyways, I got home and I called tracy out for dinner, but she already ate... so i just went and laid in bed for an hour. Later that night i went online cuz I wanted 2 talk 2 iris or ling. I started 2 tell Ling about my week, and then i decided that Jess should be the one to tell because I feel closer to her. And then.... Jess got angry at me, telling me basically to suck it up and stop moping. Yeah i know its something i should do, but that exact moment in time is not when i needed it. I got so upset my hands started shaking. So i signed out, and my first instinct was to call Iris. I haven't talked to Iris in a really really long time, but she's always there for me. Keep in mind it was like 2AM. So i called her and i was like *is this iris?* "yeah....whats wrong?" ...a providence away and she still knows me.... And... for the first time in my life i just cried and i let everything out. God it was a relief. I told her what happened between me and Jess, and what happened on Halloween and everything after, and I told her about my brothers. The words didn't leave me, and I wasn't scared that iris was going to think i was stupid, and i didn't care that she was hearing me cry. you guys have no idea how much better I felt after that. no idea.... haha but so yeah. That was the start to my month hiatus of work! Hahaha, i went out shopping today, bought some new clothes. I bought a black dressy shirt, its something I dont think I'd ever take a 2nd glance at, but for some reason i picked it up and tried it on, and it looked really nice on me. haha *yay* now i'm just on the hunt for a nice pair of shoes....oh and of course a nice 男朋友。

This is a weird feeling....

it is a very weird feeling I'm feeling right now. I'm still feeling pretty down right now, and its been exactly a week since it first started. This might be the longest its lasted before....but i guess it hasn't lasted exactly a week....I was feeling better yesterday.... ugh. I'm just upset because I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out and tell someone today. But instead, I just sat there.... and I couldn't get the words out. Im just so angry with myself, I have this conversation over and over again countless times with myself, I voice out everything that bothers me. But when I'm finally face to face with someone the words just leave me. I'm upset because life is unfair. I'm lonely. When I want someone to talk to I feel like I have no one. My best friends moved away. My two brothers dont talk to me. Everyone who I used to be so close to now seems so distant. I can't sleep. I'm taking more sleeping medication than I'm supposed to. I cry when I'm depressed. I think crying is weak. I cut myself because the pain takes my mind off things. I like to wander around at 2AM downtown by myself. I dont believe in Fate. I do believe in Fate. I feel like i'm never meant to be happy. When I finally feel like I'm getting a hold of my life, small stupid things come back and remind me. I feel like people dont take me serious. I dont want people to judge me. I dont like it when people misunderstand me and give me dirty looks. I dont want people to think i'm immature and ditzy. I want my parents to be proud of me. When I complain to people sometimes I just want them to listen and not comment. I know i'm far from perfect and thats fine. I want to meet a sweet guy who's not a creep. I want to find a decent job that doesn't make me feel like shit. I want to be praised. I just want to forget about the past and start over. I smile almost every day even though I'm sad because I dont want my frown to bring someone else down. I used to like reading. I hate the notion of time. Life is NOT short, its the longest thing I'll ever endure. I'm jealous of the people who can sleep at night and not worry about stupid things. I wish that I didn't worry about stupid things. I feel like I have nothing that I really excel at. I wish I didn't put others before myself.

I love the feeling of laughing so hard my eyes water. I like looking at the stars at night. I like walking downtown on a brisk night. I like big dogs. I like the smell of roses. I like pretty things. I like lace-y things. I like shoes that make me look like I have long legs. I like the smell of good cologne on a cute guy. I like tall guys. I like stuffed animals. I like going out to eat. I like lounging around with a small group of close friends. I love sewing. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I like being praised. I like ballet. I like sad songs. I like it when I do something silly and i catch my grandpa laughing at me. I like playing with kids. I like making people laugh. I like having lots of energy. I like when people say thank you. I like seeing well mannered children. I like the color pink. I like white shoes. I like seeing guys who know how to dress. I like the unexpected. I like simple jewelry. I like bright lipstick. I like staying up till the crack of dawn talking to a close friend. I like gerbera's. I like going to events as a family. I like dressing up. I like being told I look pretty by someone I like. I like feeling important. I like having good one on one conversations. I like hazelnut chocolate. I like reading books that make me think even after I've finished reading it. I like mysteries. I like sappy love stories. I like walking in the rain with someone you like. I love the feeling of being in the water. I like making desserts. I like sleeping in a comfy bed. I like the feeling of waking up next to someone who cares about you. I like finishing video games all by myself. I like hearing people laugh. I like being kissed.

i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't even fucking breath it hurts so much.

this might be the longest that i've ever been down before. I just can't snap it. i'm sick and tired of work, and working 12 hour shifts. And i'm sick and tired of all this shit happening to me. Its not fair. Stood up for lunch, and brushed off for an exam mark. Stood up for lunch a 2nd time to sleep in. It hurts and i just can't stop thinking about it. Fucking sucks, that the person that started this mess is STILL the only fucking person you can think about. just kill me now please.

what an awesome day

....and by awesome i mean extremely shitty day. So now, i've experienced every type of *date*. Today i got stood up....
I dont even know why i cried. I dont mean anything to him, and he's not supposed to mean anything to me. So why did it hurt. I actually thought that he was gonna do it too. He msged me out of the blue and asked me out for lunch..... to good to be true i shoulda known. I'm such an idiot, i seen it coming so why did i cry. jerk. But whatever, i deserve it. People have been telling me that I should just forget him, and this is what i get for not listening, right. Its good that someone finally slapped me in the face and woke me up. never again....

生日快乐周明儿！！

哈哈。今天。。。。阿不是不是，昨天是我的生日。
Yeaaaah, it was zhou minger's b-day yesterday. another day another year. birthdays get less exciting each year i realized. hahah no happy happy parties.... especially if your birthday coincides with party central day. Day started out bad, then good, then bad, then good. hahah. i had my HSK test today. it was so brutal. I could read like... every 2nd word. I'm so glad i didn't do the intermediate one. dear lord. so then after i went and visited shane in the library, to kill the hour b4 i went to work. Bumped into cynthia there too. hahah fun times fun times. i laughed so hard because we somehow got on the topic of fake teeth. hahahahah and inappropriate times for a tooth to fall out. like hitting your HEAD on the ceiling. hahahahhaha. aaaah. and then i had to go to work....and he gave me a hug. haha yeah.... didn't see that one coming. And while walking to the train station i got uber bummed out because i didn't want to go to work. not at all. And when i got to kyoto like all the tables were dirty and the lunch hostess left already. and the phone kept on ringiing and customers kept on coming in. i actually almost cried, my eyes started watering and i had to go stand at the hostess stand and just breathe for a few seconds. and then CYNTHIA came in! hahah i dont know why but it made me feel a LOT better. cynthia is so nice, i swear if she were a guy.... hahaha i'm gross. But she got me a cake! she said that i looked really sad after i left. hahah i didn't know i projected that.... but yeah. cake and candy. oo-la-la. I had like 3 cakes today. if i had a meat cake i woulda had all 4 food groups. Jason got me a 水果蛋糕。Cynthia got me a chocolate cake, and Felix and Terence got me a ice cream cake at save on's. after work i went out to Iron Horse with Tara, Jamie, and Ling. we were Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Snow White, and GoGo Yubari. Everybody's costume looked really really good actually. Yup and now here i am sitting at home in front of the cpu. B-day was a good one this year, it all averaged out..... 谢谢你。

Little Red Riding Hood

大家好！你们今天怎么样？hoho 是不是很surprise见到我写的中文字？Isn't it amazing? hahaha. Anyways i just wanted 2 post a quick post. Its been like a month or soething hasn't it? Hahahah, so halloweens coming up and that means my b-day is coming up too. Yup yup. I'm being little red riding hood this year. I finished my costume today but i'm not sure how it looks. Hahah i got stuck in it yesterday cuz i took in too much. I hope it looks decent when i put it on. hahaha
But MAN was I having a horrible past month. Too much work, and too much school. I had so much trouble sleeping. har, but I think i'm better now. i think i'm doing much better about him too... hahah i'm such a silly little girl. I dont even know why I care so much about what he thinks about me. I've never cared before. But yeah. I think, as iris told me, i'm just infatuated with him right now. Because... he opens doors for me, hes tall, he speaks like 2 different languages, and... aaaah geez zhou minger get over him already. his plans for the weekend are *to get laid*. What does that say about the type of guy he is? he is totally not your type and you know that, you told yourself in china. stupid why dont i ever heed my own advice?

eeeeeerggggh

Why is this STILL happening to me. Especially at this point in time? Its been... like freakin' TWO MONTHS. And i still haven't gotten past that obsessive stage yet? Get it in your fucking head you idiot. He. Doesn't. Like. You. 他。不。喜。欢。你。I keep on saying it to myself, and i keep thinking that it's finally sunk in, but all it takes is just one tiny thought and bam, i'm crazy again. aaaarg. I JUST....i just want him to leave me alone.... so that I can finish getting over him. But then.... i dont want to just stop seeing him as a friend either.... but then, i dont know if i can see him as just a friend either..... aaaaaaaarg. fucking craig all over again. Why couldn't you worry about me or ask me whats wrong sometimes you fucking asshole, because maybe then i would finally tell you that its you that makes me sad.

i just have on thing left to say....

....thank you....
I wrote a confession yesterday. And i debated sending it or not. I opted not to. and i'm grateful....i guess. I still woulda liked to have gotten it off my chest. But whatever. So there was a China crew reunion today. A lot of people went, and I was happy to see everyone. I sat with 'him'.....yeah. I never know what to say. But it was okay. I found out....that... he has a new girlfriend.... Unng yeaaaah........ Haha, i'm actually doing pretty okay. I think I'm doing better now that I know too.... I can stop thinking about him now. haha. Because I dont go for guys that aren't single.... for obvious reasons. haha...... But yeah.... I'm glad i found out....
is it still wrong if I ask for that Scratchy doll he won for me though? ....*sigh*....

One day I will send this to you, instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

This is the day where you discover that Corinna is crazy
I'm getting overwhelmed with stuff right now and this is one of the things that has been bothering me for the longest time now. I honestly dont even know where to start....
For the first 2 weeks in China, i bet I didn't even know your name and honestly we didn't even really talk till maybe the last few weeks.... So I dont even understand why it bothers me this much. When I got back to Canada and seen you sent me an email I was really happy. I have absolutley no idea why. Okay. No. thats a lie. I was happy because I liked you a little, and was surprised that you wanted to have coffee. Those next few days in BC before i got back to Edmonton I started to worry because.... I'm weird. I often don't know what to say or how to act around people, and I'm akwardly goofy. I was worried that what has always happened to me was going to happen again. Every single person who's every asked me out for coffee or lunch or whatever ends up meeting me for 2 hours, discovers I'm crazy, and never talks to me again. I'm not even exaggerating that part. Its really degrading, and it makes me feel worthless. It hurts because people think that after a couple hours they've discovered all they have to know about me, lable me a ditz and deem it uneccessary to waste anymore time on me. I hate it when people who dont know me think they can judge me and not take me seriously, and proceed to stop talking to me.But for some stupid reason, I thought that you wouldn't do that. I actually thought that i did a decent job of being not-weird, and that you knew me well enough beforehand to be okay. But as I have learned in life, assumptions suck. I dont understand what I do that makes people ignore me. And its the worst feeling in the world to be ignored.
Please dont get me wrong, i'm not trying 2 guilt trip you, because i hope those weren't your intentions. You at least semi-stuck around for me to send you this email. Which like I said, is just one of the things that has been keeping me up at night, wandering around downtown till I dont know where i am anymore, and I need to get it off my chest.

I stand in the distance, and watch as the world passes me by. No one notices my silence. No one notices my depression. The world stops for no one. Especially not you. Not for this useless little girl.

whoop whoop

My blog page isn't loading very well so I dont know if this entry is going to work or not. BUT, i just want to comment on the outcome of this week. The sun started to shine right after Monday. yup yup. It was good. After making some good tips monday night, I came home to find out that classes didn't start till WEDNESDAY. yaaaah, that was all good. Wednesday was nice too as commented about last entry. Heehee, i was just happy because he called. I deactivated my facebook account like 2 weeks ago and I havent' talked 2 him since. But so yeah it was really unexpected that he called. Haha yeaaah i know-iknow, i wasn't the first person he called, but it still made me happy. Hahaha, i'm a silly girl. And then today I seen a big portion of the china crew! So happy. Kerlih and Cynthia are in my Premodern Chinese Literature class. Simon's in my China 301, class, and I seen Summer, followed by Tracy and Shane, followed by Tuylynn at the bookstore today. Hee hee, i get so happy when i see all those guys. *sniff sniff* Makes me happy. Hahaha, i might get to have lunches with you-know-who on thursdays too, since we are both on campus for like 4 hours. haha weeeee. yaaaay!!. Hah i'm such a little girl.
....however....I'm just a little bit scared now....whatever goes up always comes down right....aiya... scaring me now really. Several really good happy high energy days, followed by several low unhappy depressing days..... nooooo....

First day of school.

Hey-yo. Today was the first day of classes. It went pretty smooth. My first class was at 2p. Art History 212. I actually knew somebody in there! And i think the class sounds pretty neat too. So i dont think i'll drop that one. yeh-yeah. Hahaha, i actually thought that classes started on Tuesday. Hahah on Monday i was DEVASTATED. I had to close at kyoto that day...as a WAITRESS. hahah I wanted 2 go home so bad, and everyone kept on telling me i had all these side jobs to do. I left at 11pm and i actually ran home. Hahaha. Then i was talking to some friends and they informed me that class didnt start tuesday it started wednesday. It was the greatest day of my life. Hahaha. I celebrated by going to Kingsway and buying a sweater, and then going to Staples and buying some notebooks and pencils. (and thus completing my school supply shopping) Funny cuz my sweater cost more than my supplies. Hahahah. But yeah. I'm super glad class started today instead. I felt more prepared. I woke up and slowly (key word slowly) got ready, and ate breakfast, then WALKED to campus. Amazing. yup yup yup! Tomorrow however....egads. THREE back to back to back hour and a half classes. What the crap was i thinking? Then i have a night class from 6 30 till 9 30. I think that one should be fun though, I'm actually kinda looking forward to that one. yeee-haw....no wait, i hsouldn't say that....anytime i say i'm looking forward to something, that forward turns into backwards.... yeah i'll say that. i'm looking backwards to my night class.... gawd its going to be horrible isn't it. I also got an unexpected phone call from somebody today. Hahah, totally caught me off guard. But it was a nice end to a decent day.... MINUS THE SCARY DREAM I HAD.... goodness i just remembered it. I dreamt that someone close to me drove off a cliff and i partially witnessed it.... and actually now that i think about it...a few weeks ago i dreamt a friend walked up to me and shot me in the ribs...... GEEZUS whats wrong with me????