加油。加油。

周明儿，你听到吗？你一定要加油，不可以再不开心啦。
yeah zhou-minger you got that? no more of this unhappy BS. You too gods up there, stop fuckin around with me and give me some breathing space between each bad day AIGHT. Yeah, so i feel better now. Lets just keep in that way. Right after jess left I got into a arguement with her over something stupid. I got upset, and I cried and hurt myself, then took a bunch of sleeping meds to knock me out so i'd fall asleep right away and not think about anything. I woke up and i felt like crap. went to class and still felt like crap. Sometimes i think its amazing that people can tell I'm down even when theres no chance. At work i can see how, i dont talk obviously. But in an hour long lecture w/ the lights down low, and only the prof's voice, I was really surprised that my classmate knew something was wrong. But i ended up calling shane out to talk.... i ...i REALLY dont know why i called him out of all people.... it was the first time ive seen him since halloween. I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out. I was wrong. He asked me what was wrong, and i started crying....and then we went 2 HUB and it just went downhill from there. FUCK it was so frustrating, there was so much stuff I wanted to say and i couldn't get the words out. I opened my mouth like 50 thousand times and all i got out was *i...i....i dont know...* After all, how is someone supposed 2 help me if I dont tell them whats wrong.... So in the end he said he had to get back to work, because we sat there for an hour and i barely got any words out. Haven't talked to him since. Figure someone would be a little bit more worried about me than that hey? ah whatever. So anyways, I got home and I called tracy out for dinner, but she already ate... so i just went and laid in bed for an hour. Later that night i went online cuz I wanted 2 talk 2 iris or ling. I started 2 tell Ling about my week, and then i decided that Jess should be the one to tell because I feel closer to her. And then.... Jess got angry at me, telling me basically to suck it up and stop moping. Yeah i know its something i should do, but that exact moment in time is not when i needed it. I got so upset my hands started shaking. So i signed out, and my first instinct was to call Iris. I haven't talked to Iris in a really really long time, but she's always there for me. Keep in mind it was like 2AM. So i called her and i was like *is this iris?* "yeah....whats wrong?" ...a providence away and she still knows me.... And... for the first time in my life i just cried and i let everything out. God it was a relief. I told her what happened between me and Jess, and what happened on Halloween and everything after, and I told her about my brothers. The words didn't leave me, and I wasn't scared that iris was going to think i was stupid, and i didn't care that she was hearing me cry. you guys have no idea how much better I felt after that. no idea.... haha but so yeah. That was the start to my month hiatus of work! Hahaha, i went out shopping today, bought some new clothes. I bought a black dressy shirt, its something I dont think I'd ever take a 2nd glance at, but for some reason i picked it up and tried it on, and it looked really nice on me. haha *yay* now i'm just on the hunt for a nice pair of shoes....oh and of course a nice 男朋友。