it is a very weird feeling I'm feeling right now. I'm still feeling pretty down right now, and its been exactly a week since it first started. This might be the longest its lasted before....but i guess it hasn't lasted exactly a week....I was feeling better yesterday.... ugh. I'm just upset because I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out and tell someone today. But instead, I just sat there.... and I couldn't get the words out. Im just so angry with myself, I have this conversation over and over again countless times with myself, I voice out everything that bothers me. But when I'm finally face to face with someone the words just leave me. I'm upset because life is unfair. I'm lonely. When I want someone to talk to I feel like I have no one. My best friends moved away. My two brothers dont talk to me. Everyone who I used to be so close to now seems so distant. I can't sleep. I'm taking more sleeping medication than I'm supposed to. I cry when I'm depressed. I think crying is weak. I cut myself because the pain takes my mind off things. I like to wander around at 2AM downtown by myself. I dont believe in Fate. I do believe in Fate. I feel like i'm never meant to be happy. When I finally feel like I'm getting a hold of my life, small stupid things come back and remind me. I feel like people dont take me serious. I dont want people to judge me. I dont like it when people misunderstand me and give me dirty looks. I dont want people to think i'm immature and ditzy. I want my parents to be proud of me. When I complain to people sometimes I just want them to listen and not comment. I know i'm far from perfect and thats fine. I want to meet a sweet guy who's not a creep. I want to find a decent job that doesn't make me feel like shit. I want to be praised. I just want to forget about the past and start over. I smile almost every day even though I'm sad because I dont want my frown to bring someone else down. I used to like reading. I hate the notion of time. Life is NOT short, its the longest thing I'll ever endure. I'm jealous of the people who can sleep at night and not worry about stupid things. I wish that I didn't worry about stupid things. I feel like I have nothing that I really excel at. I wish I didn't put others before myself.
I love the feeling of laughing so hard my eyes water. I like looking at the stars at night. I like walking downtown on a brisk night. I like big dogs. I like the smell of roses. I like pretty things. I like lace-y things. I like shoes that make me look like I have long legs. I like the smell of good cologne on a cute guy. I like tall guys. I like stuffed animals. I like going out to eat. I like lounging around with a small group of close friends. I love sewing. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I like being praised. I like ballet. I like sad songs. I like it when I do something silly and i catch my grandpa laughing at me. I like playing with kids. I like making people laugh. I like having lots of energy. I like when people say thank you. I like seeing well mannered children. I like the color pink. I like white shoes. I like seeing guys who know how to dress. I like the unexpected. I like simple jewelry. I like bright lipstick. I like staying up till the crack of dawn talking to a close friend. I like gerbera's. I like going to events as a family. I like dressing up. I like being told I look pretty by someone I like. I like feeling important. I like having good one on one conversations. I like hazelnut chocolate. I like reading books that make me think even after I've finished reading it. I like mysteries. I like sappy love stories. I like walking in the rain with someone you like. I love the feeling of being in the water. I like making desserts. I like sleeping in a comfy bed. I like the feeling of waking up next to someone who cares about you. I like finishing video games all by myself. I like hearing people laugh. I like being kissed.
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