you are my waterloo

Today is February 1st.
Fuck me, i'm screwed. Today is the deadline for applications to Parsons, the Design school in NY that I wanted to apply to. I didn't send in an application. Why didn't I? I dunno. I was scared, and i procrastinated. First thing was, it required a portfolio. I actually *started* working on it in late december, planning out what I wanted to do, stuff like that. Then all this stuff started happening. my gramma went to the hospital, Jess moved out, Kyoto closed down and then re opened. Stuff just kept on happening. And then in January I finally started to put together my canvases. I actually stretched and primed them. And.... and then i just stopped. Fuck. i just lost my ambition. At first i was all *yeah lets get working*. And then i started laying in bed, thinking to myself. What the fuck, i'm not going to get in. All throughout university my instructors have told me that I can't draw, and I can't paint. I tried for 4 years to get into the BFA and i never even got considered once. How the fuck am I supposed to get accepted into New Yorks top design school? why the fuck of all things did they need a portfolio. And so i never started my portfolio. And my parents thing i submited my applications and everything. And i dont even know what to tell them. My parents put too much faith in me, and all i really am is a lying failure. My dad said to me *go apply wherever you want to go, don't be afraid, I know you'll get in* And when he said that i wanted to cry right there. Because he has so much faith and confidence in me, and i dont think i'm any good. So i didn't even try because I was scared that i was going to get rejected, and i wouldn't know what to do. But now that the deadlines passed. I'm still fucked. NOW what do I tell them.