D: D: D:
Holy Hell that was FAST.
Ugh, gotta snap out of it, gotta snap out of it.
So... eyeball roll..... I went to send PBC a message, but decided to creep his fb once more. Asking for a sign. Direction. Guidance. Some stupid shit like that. I was looking and then then saw that he posted a lyric from a song that I have been listening to non-stop (Counting Stars by One Republic) and actually one of the lines that I wanted to post myself. So. I should've stopped there. No I should've stopped by not creeping his FB ! But of course. I didn't. I snooped even more. To the part where I saw a wall post from a girl. That read something like "you sound pretty awesome over text and are pretty easy on the eyes, hope to finally meet up on the weekend."
Heart Attack.
This really knocked the breath out of me :(
But why should it !! Obviously he's not interested in you and is therefore still out there looking duh.
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS
Don't. Crash.
It's just a boy.
It's just a boy
It's just a boy.
It's just a boy.
Don't. Crash.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Hearts
Does anyone think that I refer to my heart too much? I think sometimes I feel my heart and my mind are 2 separate entities. Like Masa and Mune. I always talk about things that make my heart happy, or my heart smile, or my heart sad. I refer to it as if it were a real live being. And yet I never refer to my mind or do things that relax my mind. Instead I do things to distract my mind and make my heart think its happy. Hoooooow Silly. I'm just going to do some philosophical blogging today and see where it goes okay?
I find physical things I do make my mind not wander. Coming to work distracted me from constantly over thinking and the depression I was facing last year. Writing blog entries seemed to relieve stress or anxiety. But it didn't make me happy per se. It just made me able to function and go on with the rest of my day.... I'm thinking this is sounding pretty "duh" right now, but a boring routine is what was keeping my mind sane. Get up at 6:37am. Apply Makeup. Change. Go to work. Off work at 5pm. Go to the Studio. Go Home. Sleep. Repeat. My mind was very easy to please because it didn't have to be pleased. It just needed to be kept busy. And when my mind isn't over thinking, overacting, overanalyzing. Then my heart is okay too..... I suppose, now having said that, I should realize the 2 are connected. All is One and One is All. When my heart feels Happy, my mind is Happy.
Holy Shit Epiphany much!
It's just finding that balance I guess. My mind is always constantly arguing with my heart. Is that the reason why I'm not content? Both should be resonating, not reasoning with each other. My mind is always telling me, Look at the cold hard facts. Look what happened. Look at the meanings. Proof Proof Proof. Always trying to prove my self wrong and saying 'Didn't I tell you, this was going to happen?" While on the other hand my heart is constantly full of feelings and impulses and urges and wants, and hopes, dreams and wishes. And Brain just says 'they are too big'. Yikes. This is turning into more of a soul releasing entry than I thought. How do I get too this happy medium? Where I feel confident. Where my heart can feel happiness, and my mind feels safe. I'm just realizing now as I write this entry how much my mind and heart argue with each other. If my brain were a person, it would be the most stubborn, know-it-all person in the world. I'll give myself that much that I am insightful and fucking logical and when I talk things out I usually have sprouted the answer without me knowing. But.... that shouldn't stop me from doing things should it? Or should it... Damnit ! That last line is TOTALLY my heart thinking. Sneaky, sneaky heart. Trying to convince Brain that you know best !
The confusing part for me, I think is. My heart does things that, yes, make my heart happy. Makes me feel happy. But only temporarily. And then reality (the outcome) kicks in and is like Fuck You Bitch. And Brain is like 'I tooooooold you this was going to happen, you shoulda listened'.
Moral of the story is. I should be listening to my mind right? I'm a Scientist at Heart.
Basically I think what I'm trying to do right now is justify the actions my heart wants to do. Justify the stupid things I do. Aaaaaugh. So silly right now. I'm imaging this conversation physically happening right now. Me physically giving advice to a friend (that friend being my heart) and I can just see me face palming myself over how stupid this person is, and how they aren't hearing the words that are being said. Just to lost in their own thoughts and idealizations.
Oh. Em. Gee.
In case you guys haven't guessed. I'm eluding to wanting to message Ponyboy again. *FACEPALM*. I know, I know. Let me wallow in my false glimmers of hope.
"Why would you ever do that", said Brain.
"Because it makes me happy", said Heart
"No it doesn't, the thought of it and what you think is going to happen is what makes you happy. But it never does because you haven't learned to stop expecting things to happen."
"But you are the one that is imposing these false images and ideas into me.........How do I stop that?"
.......Problem not solved D:
I find physical things I do make my mind not wander. Coming to work distracted me from constantly over thinking and the depression I was facing last year. Writing blog entries seemed to relieve stress or anxiety. But it didn't make me happy per se. It just made me able to function and go on with the rest of my day.... I'm thinking this is sounding pretty "duh" right now, but a boring routine is what was keeping my mind sane. Get up at 6:37am. Apply Makeup. Change. Go to work. Off work at 5pm. Go to the Studio. Go Home. Sleep. Repeat. My mind was very easy to please because it didn't have to be pleased. It just needed to be kept busy. And when my mind isn't over thinking, overacting, overanalyzing. Then my heart is okay too..... I suppose, now having said that, I should realize the 2 are connected. All is One and One is All. When my heart feels Happy, my mind is Happy.
Holy Shit Epiphany much!
It's just finding that balance I guess. My mind is always constantly arguing with my heart. Is that the reason why I'm not content? Both should be resonating, not reasoning with each other. My mind is always telling me, Look at the cold hard facts. Look what happened. Look at the meanings. Proof Proof Proof. Always trying to prove my self wrong and saying 'Didn't I tell you, this was going to happen?" While on the other hand my heart is constantly full of feelings and impulses and urges and wants, and hopes, dreams and wishes. And Brain just says 'they are too big'. Yikes. This is turning into more of a soul releasing entry than I thought. How do I get too this happy medium? Where I feel confident. Where my heart can feel happiness, and my mind feels safe. I'm just realizing now as I write this entry how much my mind and heart argue with each other. If my brain were a person, it would be the most stubborn, know-it-all person in the world. I'll give myself that much that I am insightful and fucking logical and when I talk things out I usually have sprouted the answer without me knowing. But.... that shouldn't stop me from doing things should it? Or should it... Damnit ! That last line is TOTALLY my heart thinking. Sneaky, sneaky heart. Trying to convince Brain that you know best !
The confusing part for me, I think is. My heart does things that, yes, make my heart happy. Makes me feel happy. But only temporarily. And then reality (the outcome) kicks in and is like Fuck You Bitch. And Brain is like 'I tooooooold you this was going to happen, you shoulda listened'.
Moral of the story is. I should be listening to my mind right? I'm a Scientist at Heart.
Basically I think what I'm trying to do right now is justify the actions my heart wants to do. Justify the stupid things I do. Aaaaaugh. So silly right now. I'm imaging this conversation physically happening right now. Me physically giving advice to a friend (that friend being my heart) and I can just see me face palming myself over how stupid this person is, and how they aren't hearing the words that are being said. Just to lost in their own thoughts and idealizations.
Oh. Em. Gee.
In case you guys haven't guessed. I'm eluding to wanting to message Ponyboy again. *FACEPALM*. I know, I know. Let me wallow in my false glimmers of hope.
"Why would you ever do that", said Brain.
"Because it makes me happy", said Heart
"No it doesn't, the thought of it and what you think is going to happen is what makes you happy. But it never does because you haven't learned to stop expecting things to happen."
"But you are the one that is imposing these false images and ideas into me.........How do I stop that?"
.......Problem not solved D:
Monday, December 23, 2013
Bad bad news
Well.
Not really bad news. I just know eventually it will be.
So. It's another slow day at work and I've been reading over my blog entries and basically backtracking. Re-reading and I'm thinking to myself..... I don't think I should message Ponyboy should I...... Why would I? What do I think is going to happen. I obviously have some intent.... No good ever comes from intent! I dunno. I'm sure I'm just thinking he would see me differently now.... Not like he made much attempt previously..... *sad face*.
Heart, why are you so stubborn and hard to convince !
Anyways, aside from stupid high school boy drama...... My parents are in town :) I was actually excited to hear they were coming out when my mom called me on Saturday. Gave my mom a big hug when I saw her. Something I haven't done (willingly) in about 2 years. I was pretty happy to see them. Also something that hasn't happened in 2 years. Not that previously I didn't want to see them.... I just think......at that time I felt it just made no difference...... But nope. Happy they are in town. I bought them dinner theatre tickets for Friday Date Night. Hope they enjoy it ! I feel like they probably haven't had a fancy date night with just the 2 of them in a long, long time.
Also kind of excited to do some Boxing Day Shopping. C needs some Almond Lotion from the Body Shop !!! I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of jewelry for Christmas this year. My mom and Aunt both called me asking for my ring size. Hahaha. I feel bad though. I shouldn'tve told my mom I wanted an Opal Ring and just said to get a down filled comforter. Honestly that is what actually wanted. That and a Cuisine Art Stand Mixer in Pink... *squeal*
Har har. Anyways, I have some gossip for you guys.
So... I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before or not.....buuuut while I was dating Dave, he kind of made it a big deal that his friends were his friends, and if we broke up it wouldn't be cool if I continued hanging out with his friends. Understandable, sure sure. The thing that got me the most was that after we broke up, it wasn't okay for me to hang out with his friends, but it was alright for him to hang out with my friends. So basically after that I kind of stopped hanging out with certain "friends" of mine because they would rather hang out with my ex's friends. Yeah. Considering how my heart was the one that got crushed, while he went out to party the next night. And then how some of his friends ignored me. I thought I got the short end of the stick when I found out my friends were hanging out with his friends when I was going into total depression mode. It just made me massive upset that I was the one who introduced the circles to each other and then I got booted out. I suppose to some readers it might sound like a lot of whining on my end or that I deserved it. But.... I honestly don't think I did. So... that's why it hurt so much.
Aaaaaanyhow. Back on topic. Shortly before Dave and I broke up one of my friends started dating one of his friends. Like a week or two after she broke up with her bf of 2,3 years. His friends actually someone devised a plan to break them up, although I do suppose the break-up was inevitable, but they sure helped instigate it. So, there was a break-up followed by a hook-up.
I just found out the other day that another one of my former friends broke up with her bf of 2 years, and (need to confirm) may or may not be seeing another one of Dave's friends ?!!! Double You, Tee, Aitch, Right!! I dunno, maybe I'm being a jerk and maybe his friends are all awesome and that I really lost out when I left that group but... Sometimes I think I wish I never met them. All for One and All for One. I suppose I'm only hearing bits of the story through gossip so I'm sure I don't have the story straight but whatever happened must not have been good... They're not even FB friends anymore.... And under my speculation, knowing the group of friends. Shit probably got stirred up.
Sigh.
Not really bad news. I just know eventually it will be.
So. It's another slow day at work and I've been reading over my blog entries and basically backtracking. Re-reading and I'm thinking to myself..... I don't think I should message Ponyboy should I...... Why would I? What do I think is going to happen. I obviously have some intent.... No good ever comes from intent! I dunno. I'm sure I'm just thinking he would see me differently now.... Not like he made much attempt previously..... *sad face*.
Heart, why are you so stubborn and hard to convince !
Anyways, aside from stupid high school boy drama...... My parents are in town :) I was actually excited to hear they were coming out when my mom called me on Saturday. Gave my mom a big hug when I saw her. Something I haven't done (willingly) in about 2 years. I was pretty happy to see them. Also something that hasn't happened in 2 years. Not that previously I didn't want to see them.... I just think......at that time I felt it just made no difference...... But nope. Happy they are in town. I bought them dinner theatre tickets for Friday Date Night. Hope they enjoy it ! I feel like they probably haven't had a fancy date night with just the 2 of them in a long, long time.
Also kind of excited to do some Boxing Day Shopping. C needs some Almond Lotion from the Body Shop !!! I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of jewelry for Christmas this year. My mom and Aunt both called me asking for my ring size. Hahaha. I feel bad though. I shouldn'tve told my mom I wanted an Opal Ring and just said to get a down filled comforter. Honestly that is what actually wanted. That and a Cuisine Art Stand Mixer in Pink... *squeal*
Har har. Anyways, I have some gossip for you guys.
So... I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before or not.....buuuut while I was dating Dave, he kind of made it a big deal that his friends were his friends, and if we broke up it wouldn't be cool if I continued hanging out with his friends. Understandable, sure sure. The thing that got me the most was that after we broke up, it wasn't okay for me to hang out with his friends, but it was alright for him to hang out with my friends. So basically after that I kind of stopped hanging out with certain "friends" of mine because they would rather hang out with my ex's friends. Yeah. Considering how my heart was the one that got crushed, while he went out to party the next night. And then how some of his friends ignored me. I thought I got the short end of the stick when I found out my friends were hanging out with his friends when I was going into total depression mode. It just made me massive upset that I was the one who introduced the circles to each other and then I got booted out. I suppose to some readers it might sound like a lot of whining on my end or that I deserved it. But.... I honestly don't think I did. So... that's why it hurt so much.
Aaaaaanyhow. Back on topic. Shortly before Dave and I broke up one of my friends started dating one of his friends. Like a week or two after she broke up with her bf of 2,3 years. His friends actually someone devised a plan to break them up, although I do suppose the break-up was inevitable, but they sure helped instigate it. So, there was a break-up followed by a hook-up.
I just found out the other day that another one of my former friends broke up with her bf of 2 years, and (need to confirm) may or may not be seeing another one of Dave's friends ?!!! Double You, Tee, Aitch, Right!! I dunno, maybe I'm being a jerk and maybe his friends are all awesome and that I really lost out when I left that group but... Sometimes I think I wish I never met them. All for One and All for One. I suppose I'm only hearing bits of the story through gossip so I'm sure I don't have the story straight but whatever happened must not have been good... They're not even FB friends anymore.... And under my speculation, knowing the group of friends. Shit probably got stirred up.
Sigh.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Heartbeats
Sometimes my heart starts racing randomly.
For no apparent reason that I can connect to....
I wonder if this is unhealthy......
Anyways, its kinda sorta a slow day at work today and I just thought I'd write an entry here and get some thoughts out of my head.
This blog is my diary btw. My therapy.
I've been feeling really cheerful lately. Normal actually. It's nice. I read a quote awhile back ago that read something like:
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I want to change it to When you change, but I'm sure it still applies. I understood it when I read it at the time and I knew eventually something would change, but I was constantly waiting for that perspective shift. Right after my break-up, everything I looked at made me mad or sad. People, things places. I wanted to get away, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything because nothing mattered. Everything made me sad and doubt myself. I just wanted to be alone where nothing would remind me of anything, because everything made me sad.
It's interesting, funny, and odd how something so simple makes such a big difference. I keep on envisioning myself taking a tiny, tiny sidestep to the left and then it's like suddenly everything looks different. Perspectives change. Things that used to make me sad don't make me sad anymore. In fact some of those things make me happy and my life feels interesting again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Things are in color again and I feel like smiling.
Confidence is a silly thing sometimes.
Anyways..... Do you know what silly thought is going through my head now because of this sudden burst of confidence.
To message ponyboy.....
Oh my god you can't be serious, right?!
Sadly I am. I keep thinking to myself ! I was so boring and sad and mopey when he met me, that this happier, smilier C will be more attractive. That is what is going through my head. I keep having this notion of asking him to come to the antique mall with me in the west end next weekend.... The only thing is I deleted his number... ha-ha. (But I'm pretty sure I still remember it though......). Anyways, I'm sure that this is a bad idea. If I have any regular readers, whenever I have GREAT WONDERFUL IDEAS, I always talk them out here first, and pretty much foretell the horrible outcome with basic common sense......but still decide to go through with said horrible idea in the first place. Anyways, I'll give it a few days. Hopefully this silly urge boils over. As he once said to me 'Expectations are what Ruin Things'
I'll tell you all the outcome next week.
For no apparent reason that I can connect to....
I wonder if this is unhealthy......
Anyways, its kinda sorta a slow day at work today and I just thought I'd write an entry here and get some thoughts out of my head.
This blog is my diary btw. My therapy.
I've been feeling really cheerful lately. Normal actually. It's nice. I read a quote awhile back ago that read something like:
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I want to change it to When you change, but I'm sure it still applies. I understood it when I read it at the time and I knew eventually something would change, but I was constantly waiting for that perspective shift. Right after my break-up, everything I looked at made me mad or sad. People, things places. I wanted to get away, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything because nothing mattered. Everything made me sad and doubt myself. I just wanted to be alone where nothing would remind me of anything, because everything made me sad.
It's interesting, funny, and odd how something so simple makes such a big difference. I keep on envisioning myself taking a tiny, tiny sidestep to the left and then it's like suddenly everything looks different. Perspectives change. Things that used to make me sad don't make me sad anymore. In fact some of those things make me happy and my life feels interesting again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Things are in color again and I feel like smiling.
Confidence is a silly thing sometimes.
Anyways..... Do you know what silly thought is going through my head now because of this sudden burst of confidence.
To message ponyboy.....
Oh my god you can't be serious, right?!
Sadly I am. I keep thinking to myself ! I was so boring and sad and mopey when he met me, that this happier, smilier C will be more attractive. That is what is going through my head. I keep having this notion of asking him to come to the antique mall with me in the west end next weekend.... The only thing is I deleted his number... ha-ha. (But I'm pretty sure I still remember it though......). Anyways, I'm sure that this is a bad idea. If I have any regular readers, whenever I have GREAT WONDERFUL IDEAS, I always talk them out here first, and pretty much foretell the horrible outcome with basic common sense......but still decide to go through with said horrible idea in the first place. Anyways, I'll give it a few days. Hopefully this silly urge boils over. As he once said to me 'Expectations are what Ruin Things'
I'll tell you all the outcome next week.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
There is a Fine Line Between Realism and Pessimism
A very very fine line that only usually the person you are speaking to can see.
So. I was up at my desk today and my GM took a trip up to see me. He told me he was pretty shocked that I haven't received a raise since my assessment in February, or that I haven't asked for one and just let me know how valuable I was to the company and was going to look into it that I got a wage increase.
Oh WOW! I felt super happy from hearing that. My office manager had actually told me to ask a while ago but I didn't now how to bring it up, and then it suddenly started turning into a shit show at work. So I didn't. But the fact that upper management noticed and mentioned it to me made me feel happy. I know I get taken advantage of because I'm naïve and dumb when it comes to wages and stuff or just too shy to ask, and Yeaaaaah I could be getting more, and if I were in a bigger company this never would've happened..... buuuuuut I still felt pretty happy. A raise ! Someone recognizing my hard work !
So, I sent a text to my cousin. Spread the good news !
And then she said to me 'Why didn't you ask earlier.' And 'You should ask for retro pay'.
And.... I just felt like shit after. Way to burst my bubble. I only really wanted a pat on the back, you know, not 'You should've tried harder'.
It always seems my version of Good is never Good Enough. No wonder I have low self esteem.
(But on a side/more happier note:
Fuck you OfficeTeam for telling me I was under qualified to be a Receptionist. You don't know until you try)
So. I was up at my desk today and my GM took a trip up to see me. He told me he was pretty shocked that I haven't received a raise since my assessment in February, or that I haven't asked for one and just let me know how valuable I was to the company and was going to look into it that I got a wage increase.
Oh WOW! I felt super happy from hearing that. My office manager had actually told me to ask a while ago but I didn't now how to bring it up, and then it suddenly started turning into a shit show at work. So I didn't. But the fact that upper management noticed and mentioned it to me made me feel happy. I know I get taken advantage of because I'm naïve and dumb when it comes to wages and stuff or just too shy to ask, and Yeaaaaah I could be getting more, and if I were in a bigger company this never would've happened..... buuuuuut I still felt pretty happy. A raise ! Someone recognizing my hard work !
So, I sent a text to my cousin. Spread the good news !
And then she said to me 'Why didn't you ask earlier.' And 'You should ask for retro pay'.
And.... I just felt like shit after. Way to burst my bubble. I only really wanted a pat on the back, you know, not 'You should've tried harder'.
It always seems my version of Good is never Good Enough. No wonder I have low self esteem.
(But on a side/more happier note:
Fuck you OfficeTeam for telling me I was under qualified to be a Receptionist. You don't know until you try)
Daily Dish
There is never enough time in the day to accomplish what I want.
But I guess I got most of what I wanted done.... most of..... Kept busy most of the day today..... Took a floor nap, cleaned up the home a bit, vacuumed, did the dishes, cooked dinner, baked cookies, and drew. Minus the cleaning it was all stuff that made me happy. Or at least kept my mind off things. Lets up I keep it up.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. D:
I just got a tremendous urge to creep you-know-who's FB page.
Doooooooooon't dooooooooo it ~~~~~~~~
Sleepy-Tired. Still feeling pretty happy today and trying to keep it up. This whole listening to music while I work thing is doing wonders. Listen to music everywhere, every time, while doing everything. I wish I had knew to do this sooner.
Alas. I did have some invisible conversations with myself today :|
Had a few racing heart moments at work, wasn't sure why. Probably just over thinking stuff. Anyhow. I was thinking about Ponyboy today. Probably, mostly certain because I'm doing that stupid crush-ing thing on him, buuuuut. From what I initially felt from him.... I feel like we could be the same person. I remember saying that to him once before too. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an alternate dimension, cooler version of myself. And I did. I imagined we would have gotten along very well had he (again I repeat) taken the time to get to know me. But that was my expectation and probably my downfall. We had nothing in common. Just similar observations on life. And being geeky. No hobbies though..... But I would loved to have learned how to drive standard, and finally sit on a motorbike.....Sigh, I think I was attracted to him because he lived the lifestyle I wanted. So happy, so outgoing, so fun. Surrounded constantly by people who wanted to be around him..... Always smiling....
*shakes head quickly*
Quit it.
Do you remember what your goal was yesterday? Find your energy back and be the happy person that he should have tried harder on. Exude Confidence. Dance like Nobody's Watching. Set your goals and reach them. Draft the Hoodie. Fix up the Condo. Make your Hsien-ko Costume. Buy a Car.
You can do it so do it.
But I guess I got most of what I wanted done.... most of..... Kept busy most of the day today..... Took a floor nap, cleaned up the home a bit, vacuumed, did the dishes, cooked dinner, baked cookies, and drew. Minus the cleaning it was all stuff that made me happy. Or at least kept my mind off things. Lets up I keep it up.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. D:
I just got a tremendous urge to creep you-know-who's FB page.
Doooooooooon't dooooooooo it ~~~~~~~~
Sleepy-Tired. Still feeling pretty happy today and trying to keep it up. This whole listening to music while I work thing is doing wonders. Listen to music everywhere, every time, while doing everything. I wish I had knew to do this sooner.
Alas. I did have some invisible conversations with myself today :|
Had a few racing heart moments at work, wasn't sure why. Probably just over thinking stuff. Anyhow. I was thinking about Ponyboy today. Probably, mostly certain because I'm doing that stupid crush-ing thing on him, buuuuut. From what I initially felt from him.... I feel like we could be the same person. I remember saying that to him once before too. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an alternate dimension, cooler version of myself. And I did. I imagined we would have gotten along very well had he (again I repeat) taken the time to get to know me. But that was my expectation and probably my downfall. We had nothing in common. Just similar observations on life. And being geeky. No hobbies though..... But I would loved to have learned how to drive standard, and finally sit on a motorbike.....Sigh, I think I was attracted to him because he lived the lifestyle I wanted. So happy, so outgoing, so fun. Surrounded constantly by people who wanted to be around him..... Always smiling....
*shakes head quickly*
Quit it.
Do you remember what your goal was yesterday? Find your energy back and be the happy person that he should have tried harder on. Exude Confidence. Dance like Nobody's Watching. Set your goals and reach them. Draft the Hoodie. Fix up the Condo. Make your Hsien-ko Costume. Buy a Car.
You can do it so do it.
Monday, December 16, 2013
All it took was 16 months and a boy.
I can't tell if I'm really feeling better or just on a high right now.
I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).
I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.
On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~
Nite Sportsfans.
I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).
I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.
On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~
Nite Sportsfans.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The night I slipped into a coma for 14 hours
Feel really bummed out today.
So bummed out I didn't go to work. First time I have ever called in sick. I kept waking up last night with a racing heart and sweating balls. Woke up every hour until my alarm rang and I seriously felt like shit.
Anyways I just laid in bed and slept for about 12 hours. Held onto Birthday Bear and made a bunch of wishes. When you are out of it you make some silly wishes.
I wish Curtis would give me a 2nd chance and just get to know me
and then 2 hours I said
I take that back.
It's time to play the game again of bash the guy till I don't miss him anymore :(
He was 2 fucking hours late on our first date !!!
He was kinda cocky.
Stood you up after you ran around the city trying to get home in time to see him.
You guys weren't even dating and you were always suspicious that he was seeing other girls
You guys didn't have anything in common except being nerds.
You didn't watch the same tv shows.
You didn't listen to the same music
You both had 2 completely different lives.
You were trying to be someone you weren't.
Sometimes his storylines didn't match up.
You couldn't tell if he was lying or not.
He said things he didn't mean.
Wanted to have sex the 2nd time we met.
Ugh... its not really working. I liked talking to him, just not in person. I forced myself to think of positive happy responses when he was being negative, because I realized how negative I had become. And that made me glad. I said smart things around him and that made me glad. Uggggggh. I'm just playing that game of 'if only I had' now. If only I had been a bit easier..... :( Yeah. Haha no. The same thing woulda probably happened.
It just wasn't meant to be Miss Chow. Keep telling yourself that and you will be okay.
So bummed out I didn't go to work. First time I have ever called in sick. I kept waking up last night with a racing heart and sweating balls. Woke up every hour until my alarm rang and I seriously felt like shit.
Anyways I just laid in bed and slept for about 12 hours. Held onto Birthday Bear and made a bunch of wishes. When you are out of it you make some silly wishes.
I wish Curtis would give me a 2nd chance and just get to know me
and then 2 hours I said
I take that back.
It's time to play the game again of bash the guy till I don't miss him anymore :(
He was 2 fucking hours late on our first date !!!
He was kinda cocky.
Stood you up after you ran around the city trying to get home in time to see him.
You guys weren't even dating and you were always suspicious that he was seeing other girls
You guys didn't have anything in common except being nerds.
You didn't watch the same tv shows.
You didn't listen to the same music
You both had 2 completely different lives.
You were trying to be someone you weren't.
Sometimes his storylines didn't match up.
You couldn't tell if he was lying or not.
He said things he didn't mean.
Wanted to have sex the 2nd time we met.
Ugh... its not really working. I liked talking to him, just not in person. I forced myself to think of positive happy responses when he was being negative, because I realized how negative I had become. And that made me glad. I said smart things around him and that made me glad. Uggggggh. I'm just playing that game of 'if only I had' now. If only I had been a bit easier..... :( Yeah. Haha no. The same thing woulda probably happened.
It just wasn't meant to be Miss Chow. Keep telling yourself that and you will be okay.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
What my heart wants to say
Hi Curtis,
I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.
You don't want to play anymore do you.
I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.
So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.
I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.
You don't want to play anymore do you.
I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.
So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.
Sunday, December 08, 2013
Sobbing like a Disney Princess
Except when I lift up my face I look like a raccoon.
My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.
So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.
I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.
My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.
So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.
I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
For Future Reference ~
If I ever go on a date again, I will refer to this list for some nice ideas.
You should too ~
http://www.thewandereronline.com/2013/10/12/50ish-first-dates-in-yeg-by-blue-knox/
You should too ~
http://www.thewandereronline.com/2013/10/12/50ish-first-dates-in-yeg-by-blue-knox/
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Standing Back Up Again
Hi Sports Fans,
Having a slow lazy day at home today, when I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I decided to come read some of my blog entries.
I'm not sure what has happened since my last entry but..... I feel a bit happier. No.... actually I feel a lot happier. I don't know why or how. But my heart feels lighter. Not so sad and hurt anymore. I still get mad when I think about him. But.... I actually don't think about him as much anymore. And not everything is a painful reminder. I guess all it does really take is time.
I noticing this after I came back from San Francisco actually. I never really really got upset or PO at Jolie, something that I thought would happen. Everything I managed to calm myself down and tell myself 'Just be Happy'. I don't know if that helped, or maybe it was just the change of environment and having someone to talk to for 7 days straight. I don't know exactly how but I feel like I'm getting back to my normal self. I even started wearing my Kitty Cat Hoodie again :)
Reading some of my previous entries really made me notice this.
Another thing is.... I signed onto a dating website again..... Not sure if that has anything to do with it, but I signed up a few months ago actually. Right after that silly speed-dating event which made me feel like a total idiot, because it just wasn't the thing for me. Too many people too fast. I was talking to Gabby about starting to look again and I got a bit confused after. She said that she didn't think I was ready yet because I still had some issues and I argued that this felt like the last step to take to get over what's his face. Well.... I guess maybe she is and she isn't right. If I'm not completely over someone yet why should I start looking. But at the same time. I feel like my thing is I need to focus on something (someone) else to push that last little bit of him out of my mind.... What do you guys think. Just starting to talk to guys that are interested again I feel like has helped a lot. Instead of spending time thinking about him and how mad he made me, I spend time thinking about what to say to someone who I actually talk to instead.... I dunno. Of course I can justify everything because I feel its right. Just like how I justified talking to Dave right after we broke up was the right thing to do because it made me feel happy, even thought it just delayed the heartbreak..... *SIGH*
Another thing is. Sometimes I wonder why women are always attracted to the wrong type of guy. To the type of relationship they think they will have and the ideal, when we should be focusing on what we are. Not what we want. This comes from that... Jackson-Briggs (correction needed?) Personality Test that my co-worker had told me about. He said 'Remember to answer these with what you would do, not what you want to do.' And I just remember that line sticking in my head. There's a big difference and I never noticed that before. So back to dating again. I always find I'm attracted to guys that are the complete opposite of me. That lead the lifestyle I want to have. Totally different, not my type, I'm not into any of the things they do. And yet, that personality just draaaaaws me in. It's horrible. And then, when someone who is the exact reflection of me messages me, it feel less compelled. But if I push away all the rainbows and clouds I should realize. I should be looking for someone that has similar interests as me right? If I haven't changed into a loud partying raver by now, what makes me think I will? What makes me think I'll suddenly become interested in music and djing and cars? Your so silly C. You should be looking for a nice low key guy, who can't wait to talk to you and will give you non-stop hugs and is shy and silly just like you.
Sigh.
Having a slow lazy day at home today, when I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I decided to come read some of my blog entries.
I'm not sure what has happened since my last entry but..... I feel a bit happier. No.... actually I feel a lot happier. I don't know why or how. But my heart feels lighter. Not so sad and hurt anymore. I still get mad when I think about him. But.... I actually don't think about him as much anymore. And not everything is a painful reminder. I guess all it does really take is time.
I noticing this after I came back from San Francisco actually. I never really really got upset or PO at Jolie, something that I thought would happen. Everything I managed to calm myself down and tell myself 'Just be Happy'. I don't know if that helped, or maybe it was just the change of environment and having someone to talk to for 7 days straight. I don't know exactly how but I feel like I'm getting back to my normal self. I even started wearing my Kitty Cat Hoodie again :)
Reading some of my previous entries really made me notice this.
Another thing is.... I signed onto a dating website again..... Not sure if that has anything to do with it, but I signed up a few months ago actually. Right after that silly speed-dating event which made me feel like a total idiot, because it just wasn't the thing for me. Too many people too fast. I was talking to Gabby about starting to look again and I got a bit confused after. She said that she didn't think I was ready yet because I still had some issues and I argued that this felt like the last step to take to get over what's his face. Well.... I guess maybe she is and she isn't right. If I'm not completely over someone yet why should I start looking. But at the same time. I feel like my thing is I need to focus on something (someone) else to push that last little bit of him out of my mind.... What do you guys think. Just starting to talk to guys that are interested again I feel like has helped a lot. Instead of spending time thinking about him and how mad he made me, I spend time thinking about what to say to someone who I actually talk to instead.... I dunno. Of course I can justify everything because I feel its right. Just like how I justified talking to Dave right after we broke up was the right thing to do because it made me feel happy, even thought it just delayed the heartbreak..... *SIGH*
Another thing is. Sometimes I wonder why women are always attracted to the wrong type of guy. To the type of relationship they think they will have and the ideal, when we should be focusing on what we are. Not what we want. This comes from that... Jackson-Briggs (correction needed?) Personality Test that my co-worker had told me about. He said 'Remember to answer these with what you would do, not what you want to do.' And I just remember that line sticking in my head. There's a big difference and I never noticed that before. So back to dating again. I always find I'm attracted to guys that are the complete opposite of me. That lead the lifestyle I want to have. Totally different, not my type, I'm not into any of the things they do. And yet, that personality just draaaaaws me in. It's horrible. And then, when someone who is the exact reflection of me messages me, it feel less compelled. But if I push away all the rainbows and clouds I should realize. I should be looking for someone that has similar interests as me right? If I haven't changed into a loud partying raver by now, what makes me think I will? What makes me think I'll suddenly become interested in music and djing and cars? Your so silly C. You should be looking for a nice low key guy, who can't wait to talk to you and will give you non-stop hugs and is shy and silly just like you.
Sigh.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Still Feel Empty
:(
I can calulate the months its been since I broke up with you. Since our 1 year anniversary. Since the last time I saw you. And since the day I told you to leave me alone.
I can calculate the exact number of days.
I can remember the pain my heart felt when I left your car that night and the heartless text you sent me right after it felt like my heart had been crushed. That is how empty I feel sometimes. It makes me very sad to think about this. That after all this time and I still miss something about you. Something that I can't understand what it is, or why. Something that I am having so much trouble replacing.
I can barely talk about you without getting mad or crying. And I don't understand why! Why you are having this much of an effect on me when you meant nothing to me. Did nothing for me. Almost everything I do, I think of you. So many things remind me of you and how I would pick up my phone and text you right away.
Never let one person be the source of your happiness.
I know that, and yet I let it happen. I wonder constantly what you are doing, and if you think about me. I should know by now the answer is obviously no otherwise something would have happened already. I keep calling you selfish because that is the only way I can justify everything and make me feel better. To make you the bad person. I keep saying I want every thing to come back to you ten-fold, keep hoping that your world will collapse underneath you, keep hoping that one day you will realize what a shit-hole you dug yourself into.
But maybe.
None of that will happen. I keep wishing such negative things would happen that I've turned into an extremely negative person. My friends have started telling me how negative I've gotten and how I constantly focus on the bad things that can happen. Even when I try doing some positive mind exercises, they end up coming out negative. I blame myself for not trying hard enough and that my answers are quite pathetic. And I don't know how this has happened. How I had turned from such a happy smiling girl to a heartbroken jaded nag. Friends and even a work mate I barely talk to told me I was pretty negative. And I knew they were right. Whenever I call or text someone to complain they try to get me to look on the bright side of things, but I just see the past and how things could have been fixed and I wouldnt have had to bad, and then I would get so worked up about it. Or even worse, I call my parents for advice, sobbing because I am so upset. And they only thing they tell me in a nonchalant voice is. Don't worry. You will figure it out. And I constantly feel like I am being brushed off
I just feel very empty a lot of the time. Like I've wandered far far away from my old path and aren't sure what I should be doing or where I need to be, or who I should be with. I hurt lots still. So much. And I've gotten so negative. I can actually feel and hear how negative I've gotten. To the point where sometimes people try to help me and I end up turning their help into negative thoughts. I want to blame him for doing this to me, but I'm sure part of it was me. Wanting something he couldn't give me and needing someone to blame when I should have backed down when I knew it wasn't right. I'm so negative, and yet.... sometimes I think I have too much faith in people. I believe everyone will do the right thing, but the don't always. And I feel sad when that happens. I wish I could just disappear a lot of the times. If I had no condo and no studio I would just cash in my accounts and disappear. And I think I would be very content.
I would be happy if I could be someone else.
I can calulate the months its been since I broke up with you. Since our 1 year anniversary. Since the last time I saw you. And since the day I told you to leave me alone.
I can calculate the exact number of days.
I can remember the pain my heart felt when I left your car that night and the heartless text you sent me right after it felt like my heart had been crushed. That is how empty I feel sometimes. It makes me very sad to think about this. That after all this time and I still miss something about you. Something that I can't understand what it is, or why. Something that I am having so much trouble replacing.
I can barely talk about you without getting mad or crying. And I don't understand why! Why you are having this much of an effect on me when you meant nothing to me. Did nothing for me. Almost everything I do, I think of you. So many things remind me of you and how I would pick up my phone and text you right away.
Never let one person be the source of your happiness.
I know that, and yet I let it happen. I wonder constantly what you are doing, and if you think about me. I should know by now the answer is obviously no otherwise something would have happened already. I keep calling you selfish because that is the only way I can justify everything and make me feel better. To make you the bad person. I keep saying I want every thing to come back to you ten-fold, keep hoping that your world will collapse underneath you, keep hoping that one day you will realize what a shit-hole you dug yourself into.
But maybe.
None of that will happen. I keep wishing such negative things would happen that I've turned into an extremely negative person. My friends have started telling me how negative I've gotten and how I constantly focus on the bad things that can happen. Even when I try doing some positive mind exercises, they end up coming out negative. I blame myself for not trying hard enough and that my answers are quite pathetic. And I don't know how this has happened. How I had turned from such a happy smiling girl to a heartbroken jaded nag. Friends and even a work mate I barely talk to told me I was pretty negative. And I knew they were right. Whenever I call or text someone to complain they try to get me to look on the bright side of things, but I just see the past and how things could have been fixed and I wouldnt have had to bad, and then I would get so worked up about it. Or even worse, I call my parents for advice, sobbing because I am so upset. And they only thing they tell me in a nonchalant voice is. Don't worry. You will figure it out. And I constantly feel like I am being brushed off
I just feel very empty a lot of the time. Like I've wandered far far away from my old path and aren't sure what I should be doing or where I need to be, or who I should be with. I hurt lots still. So much. And I've gotten so negative. I can actually feel and hear how negative I've gotten. To the point where sometimes people try to help me and I end up turning their help into negative thoughts. I want to blame him for doing this to me, but I'm sure part of it was me. Wanting something he couldn't give me and needing someone to blame when I should have backed down when I knew it wasn't right. I'm so negative, and yet.... sometimes I think I have too much faith in people. I believe everyone will do the right thing, but the don't always. And I feel sad when that happens. I wish I could just disappear a lot of the times. If I had no condo and no studio I would just cash in my accounts and disappear. And I think I would be very content.
I would be happy if I could be someone else.
Sunday, September 01, 2013
Do Not Use Hop to it Maids Inc.
My business instructor always told me a complaint can go a long way:
I was recently asked to find a cleaner to help tidy up my grandparent's condo in Edmonton. They had just been hospitalized and my family decided we wanted to clean up their condo.We removed ALL the furniture, and putting in new carpet and new linoleum. After new carpet and lino was installed on Friday, I took on the task of finding a cleaning company to help us with a bit of the grunt work. I found a company called Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. on Kijiji and gave them a call. I told them our situation and asked for their help in cleaning my grandparents' 750 sq foot condo. The owner informed me their basic rate was $159/2 hours which included 2 workers and would be equivalent to 4 hours of work, they are a well respected, insured, and bonded company. I called around to a few more companies but for some odd reason I decided to go with them. A decision I regret deeply. My appointment was for 4pm this Saturday the 31st. They called me to say they were running late and would be there at 5:30pm. When they got to our building, they asked me if we had a vacuum they could borrow as theirs had just broken. No Problem. I took them upstairs and they said oh its a small condo, and there is barely any furniture here. They should finish with time to spare! I asked them if I should remove the photos from the walls to make it easier to clean and they said no, they will just spot clean. Then they told me they wouldn't clean the pantry because there were rubbermaid boxes in the way...... Not really happy with this but I volunteered to move the boxes out of the way so they could get access. At 6:15pm I told them I had to step out to run an errand and would be back by 7:30pm. I left and came back at 7:15pm and was promptly told they would not be able to finish and would need at least another 2 hours to finish and asked me if I wanted to re-schedule ! At $80/hr I surely said no. After they left I took a walk around and thought, What the HECK did these guys do for 2 hours. The small bathroom, living room vents, fridge, and some counter-tops were clean. My grandparent's entire bedroom hadn't been touched, the linoleum hadn't been swept or mopped, and the walls were still dirty. I went home and thought for a long long time and just felt so unhappy that I paid that much for such a bad job. I sent the owner a message letting her know I was a bit upset, told her what had and had not been cleaned and that I thought they over charged for 2 hours. The owner then said to me "Apparently it's your walls, they were very dirty. If you wish to book more time, please give me a call"
This just blew my mind. Not only did I not get a 'Sorry for the Misunderstanding' I'm pretty sure I was actually being blamed for an unfinished job that I just paid for?! :(
Anyhow, I just wanted to share my experience with this local company Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. They have group-on's and a lot of ads out there. I'm sure most of my friends aren't so lazy like me and are capable of cleaning up themselves, but if anyone ever needs cleaning services.
Don't Call Them <3 p="">
*Update*
After no provoke on my end, and a simple reply of "Thank you but I will not be requiring your services" The owner just sent me a text that pretty much said "your place was FILTHY"
I'm positive that one of the main rules in business is you DO NOT blame your client. My grandparents' place has been un-inhabited for a few months and as I previously stated, we had just cleared haul and removed all furniture and re-carpeted. Yes it was pretty dusty but was FAR from filthy. I just wish I could show everyone how NOT DIRTY our place was before they came. All we needed was someone to wash the floors, and walls. I just cannot believe a company can go around and insult its client as a response to a complaint.
I was recently asked to find a cleaner to help tidy up my grandparent's condo in Edmonton. They had just been hospitalized and my family decided we wanted to clean up their condo.We removed ALL the furniture, and putting in new carpet and new linoleum. After new carpet and lino was installed on Friday, I took on the task of finding a cleaning company to help us with a bit of the grunt work. I found a company called Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. on Kijiji and gave them a call. I told them our situation and asked for their help in cleaning my grandparents' 750 sq foot condo. The owner informed me their basic rate was $159/2 hours which included 2 workers and would be equivalent to 4 hours of work, they are a well respected, insured, and bonded company. I called around to a few more companies but for some odd reason I decided to go with them. A decision I regret deeply. My appointment was for 4pm this Saturday the 31st. They called me to say they were running late and would be there at 5:30pm. When they got to our building, they asked me if we had a vacuum they could borrow as theirs had just broken. No Problem. I took them upstairs and they said oh its a small condo, and there is barely any furniture here. They should finish with time to spare! I asked them if I should remove the photos from the walls to make it easier to clean and they said no, they will just spot clean. Then they told me they wouldn't clean the pantry because there were rubbermaid boxes in the way...... Not really happy with this but I volunteered to move the boxes out of the way so they could get access. At 6:15pm I told them I had to step out to run an errand and would be back by 7:30pm. I left and came back at 7:15pm and was promptly told they would not be able to finish and would need at least another 2 hours to finish and asked me if I wanted to re-schedule ! At $80/hr I surely said no. After they left I took a walk around and thought, What the HECK did these guys do for 2 hours. The small bathroom, living room vents, fridge, and some counter-tops were clean. My grandparent's entire bedroom hadn't been touched, the linoleum hadn't been swept or mopped, and the walls were still dirty. I went home and thought for a long long time and just felt so unhappy that I paid that much for such a bad job. I sent the owner a message letting her know I was a bit upset, told her what had and had not been cleaned and that I thought they over charged for 2 hours. The owner then said to me "Apparently it's your walls, they were very dirty. If you wish to book more time, please give me a call"
This just blew my mind. Not only did I not get a 'Sorry for the Misunderstanding' I'm pretty sure I was actually being blamed for an unfinished job that I just paid for?! :(
Anyhow, I just wanted to share my experience with this local company Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. They have group-on's and a lot of ads out there. I'm sure most of my friends aren't so lazy like me and are capable of cleaning up themselves, but if anyone ever needs cleaning services.
Don't Call Them <3 p="">
*Update*
After no provoke on my end, and a simple reply of "Thank you but I will not be requiring your services" The owner just sent me a text that pretty much said "your place was FILTHY"
I'm positive that one of the main rules in business is you DO NOT blame your client. My grandparents' place has been un-inhabited for a few months and as I previously stated, we had just cleared haul and removed all furniture and re-carpeted. Yes it was pretty dusty but was FAR from filthy. I just wish I could show everyone how NOT DIRTY our place was before they came. All we needed was someone to wash the floors, and walls. I just cannot believe a company can go around and insult its client as a response to a complaint.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The best feeling
So, its been awhile since I last wrote an entry.
I've been trying to go out more, be it movies or dinner with friends, studio, or even clean the condo. Studio sales are actually going decent. It's making me back some spending money and definitely feel like I am doing better and better. I even made a shirt that I think has lots of potential !
Anyways, I'm still not 100%. It's really bugging me still that I'm not and I spend maybe 1/4 of my day thinking about him still.... or rather imagining what I would say if I saw his fat selfish face again. Yeah, I imagine conversations over and over and over again. So basically I still haven't forgiven myself. Not him. But myself. It wasn't all my fault. Not even close. But its not every minute any more. Maybe every few hours. So I'm doing a lot better. Yeah.
Anyhow main reason for this entry. This blog has always been like my diary. I write in it when bad things happen, and I write in it when good things happen. I haven't had a happy entry in a long time, so I'm sure it will be nice to read something more upbeat. Plus it boosted my confidence :)
So, has anyone ever had a day where they decide to wear something, and then regret it later on? I do that almost every day. On Sunday I decided to wear a pair of short shorts. It was a nice day and I said "I've lost weight, I can pull these off !" And then as the day progresses I start saying "MY THIGHS ARE WHITE AND JIGGLY I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM WEARING THESE" Finally at around 8pm I call it a day at the studio and start walking home. Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle. I finally get home and check my phone and I have one text from old super crush that simply read "Nice Legs". (For those who don't know, when I first met supercrush 2 years ago I had huuuuuge crush on him. Obviously he did not. Anyways, I've grown up and now we're decent friends, but of course there is always the notion that I used to like him.) Back on topic. I get a random text from him that says "Nice Legs". Uh, excuse me? He texts me back, and apparently he was driving by and totally checked me out because I was sporting some 'serious legs'. But the real kicker is: He didn't know even know it was me ! He said after he realized who he was checking out he shook his head and said "Aaaah Fuck". Made me smile super big. Hahaha, Ugly Duckling grows up :)
Anyways, it just made me feel happy, and kind of boosted my confidence. And just made me feel pretty again.
I know I say this at the end of every blog, but I think I'll be okay now......
I've been trying to go out more, be it movies or dinner with friends, studio, or even clean the condo. Studio sales are actually going decent. It's making me back some spending money and definitely feel like I am doing better and better. I even made a shirt that I think has lots of potential !
Anyways, I'm still not 100%. It's really bugging me still that I'm not and I spend maybe 1/4 of my day thinking about him still.... or rather imagining what I would say if I saw his fat selfish face again. Yeah, I imagine conversations over and over and over again. So basically I still haven't forgiven myself. Not him. But myself. It wasn't all my fault. Not even close. But its not every minute any more. Maybe every few hours. So I'm doing a lot better. Yeah.
Anyhow main reason for this entry. This blog has always been like my diary. I write in it when bad things happen, and I write in it when good things happen. I haven't had a happy entry in a long time, so I'm sure it will be nice to read something more upbeat. Plus it boosted my confidence :)
So, has anyone ever had a day where they decide to wear something, and then regret it later on? I do that almost every day. On Sunday I decided to wear a pair of short shorts. It was a nice day and I said "I've lost weight, I can pull these off !" And then as the day progresses I start saying "MY THIGHS ARE WHITE AND JIGGLY I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM WEARING THESE" Finally at around 8pm I call it a day at the studio and start walking home. Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle. I finally get home and check my phone and I have one text from old super crush that simply read "Nice Legs". (For those who don't know, when I first met supercrush 2 years ago I had huuuuuge crush on him. Obviously he did not. Anyways, I've grown up and now we're decent friends, but of course there is always the notion that I used to like him.) Back on topic. I get a random text from him that says "Nice Legs". Uh, excuse me? He texts me back, and apparently he was driving by and totally checked me out because I was sporting some 'serious legs'. But the real kicker is: He didn't know even know it was me ! He said after he realized who he was checking out he shook his head and said "Aaaah Fuck". Made me smile super big. Hahaha, Ugly Duckling grows up :)
Anyways, it just made me feel happy, and kind of boosted my confidence. And just made me feel pretty again.
I know I say this at the end of every blog, but I think I'll be okay now......
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Healing
This post was sitting in my draft box for a few months. Not too sure why I never posted it, but I've gone and came back from London !!
Almost 3 months have past since I told Dave to leave me alone and almost 7 months have passed since I broke up with you. I broke up with you. You may have wanted to, but that doesn't matter because I was the one that had the balls to say it. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still pretty mad, but I'm doing a lot better. Not gonna lie but I still secretly hope you'll message me one day and say Sorry. But I've at least gotten to the the point where I'm okay now because there is a very low chance of that happening. You're too stupid and selfish to think you did anything wrong.
I bake and cook a lot more now to kinda fill the void and I also am on Pintrest an awful lot. Hahah yeah. A lot. But anyways. I'm doing better. I sleep a bit better and don't wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, but I do still have a little trouble staying asleep. I'm also going to London next week :) Thats big news. I really wanted to do something to feel brave an independant again and nothing does that like a solo trip to a country you've never been before. I decided about a month and a half ago that I wanted to go somewhere and I narrowed it down to San Francisco or London (how odd). I originally really wanted to go to San Fran but London seemed scarier and I knew I would feel better coming back from that trip. San Francisco reminded me of New York and as much as I wanted to go to their Chinatown and eat food and feel rich, I thought it was a very "safe" vacation. So I'll be hostel-ing it up in London. Haven't done much packing and research yet but I know I'm looking forward to the museums and markets. And of course food. The only downfall is Europe is pricy :S But, whatever, I that's what money is for, right?
Almost 3 months have past since I told Dave to leave me alone and almost 7 months have passed since I broke up with you. I broke up with you. You may have wanted to, but that doesn't matter because I was the one that had the balls to say it. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still pretty mad, but I'm doing a lot better. Not gonna lie but I still secretly hope you'll message me one day and say Sorry. But I've at least gotten to the the point where I'm okay now because there is a very low chance of that happening. You're too stupid and selfish to think you did anything wrong.
I bake and cook a lot more now to kinda fill the void and I also am on Pintrest an awful lot. Hahah yeah. A lot. But anyways. I'm doing better. I sleep a bit better and don't wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, but I do still have a little trouble staying asleep. I'm also going to London next week :) Thats big news. I really wanted to do something to feel brave an independant again and nothing does that like a solo trip to a country you've never been before. I decided about a month and a half ago that I wanted to go somewhere and I narrowed it down to San Francisco or London (how odd). I originally really wanted to go to San Fran but London seemed scarier and I knew I would feel better coming back from that trip. San Francisco reminded me of New York and as much as I wanted to go to their Chinatown and eat food and feel rich, I thought it was a very "safe" vacation. So I'll be hostel-ing it up in London. Haven't done much packing and research yet but I know I'm looking forward to the museums and markets. And of course food. The only downfall is Europe is pricy :S But, whatever, I that's what money is for, right?
Monday, May 27, 2013
David Villote is a huge asshole
Nope.
Thats not even close.
David Villote is the biggest fucking cocksucker I have ever known. This guy is the biggest selfish cunt face and he doesn't even realize it. The worst kind.
I can't even type right now, I'm so fucking pissed. So many things I want to say about this asshole that I don't even know where to begin. I hope you get herpes you mother fucking shit head. I hope you get herpes and your house gets repossessed. Which isn't even that big of a wish because you're heading straight for that road anyways. You bastard. You cause so much trouble for people and you don't even realize what you are doing. All you think about is yourself and what makes you happy. I KNEW IT and I still fucking dated you. I regret every single minute I spent with you beleiving your lies and telling myself I was happy. I hate that I once cared for a person like you. Someone that was able to move on SO EASILY and not even feel bad about the SHIT YOU CAUSED.
HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
Thats not even close.
David Villote is the biggest fucking cocksucker I have ever known. This guy is the biggest selfish cunt face and he doesn't even realize it. The worst kind.
I can't even type right now, I'm so fucking pissed. So many things I want to say about this asshole that I don't even know where to begin. I hope you get herpes you mother fucking shit head. I hope you get herpes and your house gets repossessed. Which isn't even that big of a wish because you're heading straight for that road anyways. You bastard. You cause so much trouble for people and you don't even realize what you are doing. All you think about is yourself and what makes you happy. I KNEW IT and I still fucking dated you. I regret every single minute I spent with you beleiving your lies and telling myself I was happy. I hate that I once cared for a person like you. Someone that was able to move on SO EASILY and not even feel bad about the SHIT YOU CAUSED.
HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
No More
No More.
It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.
I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.
Thus it inevitable that we broke up.
It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.
I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.
Thus it inevitable that we broke up.
Why is this one so hard
So very very hard.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.
This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.
This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
My favorite movies
So I'm supposed to be making lists of things that make me happy and I thought I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies that always make me happy after watching them :)
Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie
....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.
Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie
....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Half a Year
Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.
Half a year.
Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.
But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.
A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.
Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away.
Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away.
A different kind of sadness
Does anyone else ever feel really really sad after they finish reading a really good book?
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?
When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)
So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !
Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?
When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)
So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !
Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.
Friday, February 01, 2013
Angels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QavgbeEAZmQ
While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....
Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.
I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.
I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....
I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....
Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.
I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.
I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....
I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Someone else's answer
This is such a great question, closure... we all want it so bad, yet when heartbroken I have no idea if there is a real closure... When my ex left me, I was devastated, I tried to have hope, I tried to hate, I tried to forget, none of them seemed to work. I wanted closure, she would never give it to me, I wasnt pushy either, from the day she suddenly broke up with me I didn't contact her for over 30 days, when I tried she wasnt very responsive, then when I moved back into town, our meet up where I was hoping to just have a friendly conversation, she brings her sister and makes it like they are in a hurry.
Now she left me for another guy, straight up, they were together right after we broke up and are still.. Could have started together while we were still together, I have no idea, day by day for so long I hurt and wanted to know why, but no good could have ever really come from it, because it is never what I would have wanted to hear, but then one day, things just finally changed, the hurt became so much less, and then when they announced theyre relationship publicly via facebook and many people called me up about it, I wasn't mad, hurt, sad, hateful, or spiteful; I really was not even bothered by it, I suprised myself with the way I felt inside... I feel time brings us closure, becoming the person we once were, I know I have become so much more outgoing again and seeing the joys in life and really looking to enjoy everyday more than I ever have, that is my closure, my happiness is back... and one day I know I will find somoene who will make me happier, not make me look for any closures.
Closure comes from within. This I have now learned, it took me awhile, but now I am seeing it.
Now she left me for another guy, straight up, they were together right after we broke up and are still.. Could have started together while we were still together, I have no idea, day by day for so long I hurt and wanted to know why, but no good could have ever really come from it, because it is never what I would have wanted to hear, but then one day, things just finally changed, the hurt became so much less, and then when they announced theyre relationship publicly via facebook and many people called me up about it, I wasn't mad, hurt, sad, hateful, or spiteful; I really was not even bothered by it, I suprised myself with the way I felt inside... I feel time brings us closure, becoming the person we once were, I know I have become so much more outgoing again and seeing the joys in life and really looking to enjoy everyday more than I ever have, that is my closure, my happiness is back... and one day I know I will find somoene who will make me happier, not make me look for any closures.
Closure comes from within. This I have now learned, it took me awhile, but now I am seeing it.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Untitled
Never once did I ever mention marriage. Not Once.
The thought of it terrifies me.
People always change. You are proof of that.
The thought of it terrifies me.
People always change. You are proof of that.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Everything I Ever Wanted .....
You never did for me.
Dave sent me Happy New Years on the 1st. It was the first message I saw when I finally opened my eyes. Of course I cried ! It motivated me to get out of bed and meet my family for dimsum, who I told I wasn't coming. I talked to him on and off for the rest of the day. And right as I went to bed. I told him I needed him to leave me alone. And then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he hadn't replied back. And he didn't the next day or the day after.
But then. A week later he sent me a message. He invited me to his birthday party. It made me mad that even now he still doesn't listen to the things I ask of him. That he was very selfish always thinking about what would make him feel better, and not how I would feel too. Doesn't he realize how much more he makes my heart hurt? So, so painful. Maybe I shouldn'tve told him his messages made me happy. They did, but only for a split second. And then it was like August all over again. Random people tell me he does it because he misses me. But I think he does it because he feels guilty. Regardless of the answer my heart hurts. Day 21 today. The longest I made it without messaging Dave was 26 days. I need to make it past that. I hadn't cried for a really really long time, but I started again yesterday in the movie theatre. I really need to stop going to those. No matter what type of movie, I haven't made it out of there without crying. Even if its a comedy. Too much sitting around and time to let my mind wander. Today after I got home I started sobbing again too. I wish I didn't, and I don't know why I started again either. If only I was stronger. I just wish I had someone to talk too. Someone to just keep my mind busy so that I didn't think so much. Then maybe everything wouldn't remind me of him. And everything wouldn't be so painful...
Anyways. I waited till midnight. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a horrible day filled with sorrow and regret. You probably won't, but it doesn't hurt to try.
Dave sent me Happy New Years on the 1st. It was the first message I saw when I finally opened my eyes. Of course I cried ! It motivated me to get out of bed and meet my family for dimsum, who I told I wasn't coming. I talked to him on and off for the rest of the day. And right as I went to bed. I told him I needed him to leave me alone. And then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he hadn't replied back. And he didn't the next day or the day after.
But then. A week later he sent me a message. He invited me to his birthday party. It made me mad that even now he still doesn't listen to the things I ask of him. That he was very selfish always thinking about what would make him feel better, and not how I would feel too. Doesn't he realize how much more he makes my heart hurt? So, so painful. Maybe I shouldn'tve told him his messages made me happy. They did, but only for a split second. And then it was like August all over again. Random people tell me he does it because he misses me. But I think he does it because he feels guilty. Regardless of the answer my heart hurts. Day 21 today. The longest I made it without messaging Dave was 26 days. I need to make it past that. I hadn't cried for a really really long time, but I started again yesterday in the movie theatre. I really need to stop going to those. No matter what type of movie, I haven't made it out of there without crying. Even if its a comedy. Too much sitting around and time to let my mind wander. Today after I got home I started sobbing again too. I wish I didn't, and I don't know why I started again either. If only I was stronger. I just wish I had someone to talk too. Someone to just keep my mind busy so that I didn't think so much. Then maybe everything wouldn't remind me of him. And everything wouldn't be so painful...
Anyways. I waited till midnight. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a horrible day filled with sorrow and regret. You probably won't, but it doesn't hurt to try.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Time heals all...
The feeling of having the one person in your whole entire world who you trusted the most, give up on you and walk away.
I think it takes a lot of time to heal that kind of pain
I think it takes a lot of time to heal that kind of pain
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