Impossible.

It's impossible I tell you to stay friends with exes. I dont know how you do it. So much stupid F-ing drama. Ex has been calling me non stop. I want to slit my fucking wrists over how frustrating it is talking to him. I THOUGHT we had all worked out the last argument to tide it over till New Years. Guess I shoulda known better. He sends me a text today saying to give him a call if I have time because he wants to apologize over yesterday. And like....he's said sorry to me SO MANY times that really I could care less whether or not he says it. So. I get off work, dont really want to talk to him so i just send him a text saying I'm home now. It is a bit after 10pm. He calls me, and I can hear partying in the BG. He's probably drinking, okay whatever. He asks if he can call me later, and I ask him if we can talk in the morning. He says yes and hangs up. I really really REALLY dont like talking to him when he's drunk because we always get into arguments because everything is just in one ear out the other. Another reason I don't want to get back together with him is because I've realized how much of a language barrier we had thus causing misunderstandings. Anyways. maybe he wasn't drunk and I was being a jerk, but 90% of the time when he calls me at this time of night he has been drinking. So i have reason to be defensive. Anyways 30 mintues roll around he calls me again. "I'm not drunk, I just want to talk to you and apologize for last night and say sorry and explain myself" And I just say, Look, I really dont want to talk right now okay I still have lots of presents to wrap and stuff. I'll call you tomorrow morning. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow" Hangs up. 11 30 rolls around. Calls me again. I am super pissed off now. "Why dont you trust me? You always think I am drunk, I'm not drunk right now, I just want to say I'm sorry for last night its my fault. I want to tell you I understand that you only want to be friends, but I want to tell you that I will always ALWAYS be waiting for you, you are always my first option" ........ and......so this is what happens at least once a month okay. And obviously I semi freak out. What would EVER make you think that I dont trust you? The fact that you call me once a month piss drunk telling me how much you miss me your going to wait for me for the rest of your life. The fact that YOU KNOW hearing that makes me angry and you STILL dont respect me enough to listen. The fact that GUARANTEED the next day you will call me and say you are sorry for calling me last night and that you were drunk and it wont happen again? HMMMM I wonder why I dont trust you. So I tell him all this and he's calling me immature for not trusting him and for being so mean and I just keep telling him 'please, I dont want to talk to you right now can we talk tomorrow morining' and he SWEARS he isn't drunk, and maybe he isn't and maybe I was being a jerk, but like I said 90% of the time he is. So... so I'm just listening, being my mean defensive self saying 'yup yup, okay, uh huh right' I just, I CANNOT have a conversation with him when hes like that because no matter what I say he tells me CALM DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME. So he calls me childish for not taking him seriously and I just keep on repeating *I dont want to talk right now I will call you in the morning* NO NO you wont, you dont even consider me a friend right now, you wont call me its always me who calls you. And I just want to blow my fucking brains out at this point in time. And this goes on for like another 20 mintues. (Why didn't I hang up? I dont fucking know why) Like, hes done nothing to prove to me that I should get back together with him. When we were dating he told me. HE. told. ME. I never asked him to change anything but HE promised ME that he would quit smoking, drinking and gambling. He never kept any of those promises. Whenever we go out for dinner or lunch, he still chain smokes and drinks even more than before. I just... what reason could I possibly have for getting back in a relationship with you when nothing has changed. I feel so stupid for being so hung up over him this past year too. Ugh. So, anyways I'm still telling him, Do you know why I think your drunk? Because you never call me at this time of night unless you are drunk. You have called me 3 times in the past hour. Since then I have asked you TEN times now can we talk in the morning and you are not letting it go, that is how I know you are drunk. So PLEASE, I really want to go now we can talk in the morning......... "No you are being selfish you only......" And that is as far as I got. I got so SO SO angry that I threw my phone down and screamed and just......I just broke down. It only lasted like a minute but for that minute I couldn't breath I coudln't think I didn't know what to do and all all ALL I wanted to do was hurt myself. I just.... after I snapped out of it, it was really scary because its been years since that's last happened and it was just really upsetting because it brought back bad memories. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, you have no idea how upset I was that that happened tonight and that it only happened because my ex wouldn't listen to the one thing I wanted him to do. Again. Blaaaah.

This is for you.

This entry I wanted to write to you, but since I'm trying to stop liking you I'll just post it here instead. *weak smile*

So. I had a fairly bad day today.... like a 5 outta 10. Last day of work today for the entire week until next Monday. I'm so burnt out I fell asleep on the bus yesterday.....standing up. So anyways, working working working, then I get a call from my supervisor asking me to stay an extra 3 hours because one of the girls couldn't come in to work.... Bummer. So here I'm going on 9 hours, getting a slight headache. ALMOST time to go home when I get another text from that same girl who called in sick today to cover her shift tomorrow too. KW is totally understaffed right now and I really really dont want to work tomorrow, but I kinda need the money, and I kinda feel bad because I know if I dont work it no one else will. Headache worsens. 7pm finally rolls around and I'm dying to get off. Fuckin brown girl I dont know where the hell she is but she went to go to the bathroom and has been MIA for the past 30 mintues. ugh. Then I get a text from my ex. So....today is Wednesday. I had dinner with him on Monday because he just finished helping me move stuff into my studio. We're talking and he asks me what my family is doing on Christmas, and I say we are having the usual big family dinner. He asks me if he can come. I say 'if you want....' (maybe I shouldn'tve said that....but I felt bad because I knew he would be spending xmas by himself.....) But anyways i tell him if he is goig to be spending xmas alone, then just come over. And he says *your parents wont mind?* and i say *why would they mind?* Then I worry that he is starting to think I'm leading him on or somethig and I say *but....you know I'm just asking you over as a friend right, I mean this doesn't change anything.....* so then.... thats the end of dinner. He walks me to the train station and before I leave he asks me for a hug.... and I say .........I'll give him one on christmas. (I dont want to hug him because A. I dont like hugs and B. last time I hugged him he tried to kiss me) Anyways I go home, end of story..........or so I think. The message I get is a paragraph of him telling me he is going to move to Saskatoon because he has nothing left in Edmonton. He has nothing but bad memories anymore and how he can tell I dont have feelings for him anymore, how he means nothing to me........fuuuuuuuuuuck me. I wanted to blow my brains out when I read that. I just thought.... WTF do you want me to say. Yes come over for dinner. No dont come over for dinner?!?! what the fuck else is left. Either answer woulda provoked this response!! So I called him and was like. what do you want me to say, its lose-lose no matter what I say. Goddamnit. And hes like, You dont even wanna see me anymore or talk to me, I am just going to say good bye now, you never have to hear from me again. And I just start bawling in the middle of the mall.. I say to him 'You say this to me ever week. You call me every 2 weeks piss drunk, and you say that you are never going to call me again, good bye good bye good bye. That means nothing to me, how do I take you seriously anymore??? And he says *no this time I am serious, I'm going to disappear. Good Bye* and I wait, and he doesn't hang up, and I just laugh. Fuck geezus. How do you manage having so many exes? Anyways, in the end he apologizes for the millionth time, still means nothing to me, and he says 'we are still friends right' to which I say yes, and then call it a day. Ugh..... I dnot even know why I still lose tears over this guy.

Followed by the sound of a soft heart breaking......

hahahah I'm so dramatic sometimes. I dont even know why.
Hahaha, well. I guess since I'm writing a lot of "hahaha's" it means I'm not really THAT sad .... but kinda am. I dunno bittersweet I guess. Not like Shane crushed my heart sad, but still sad in the heart sad......mostly because I'm probably coming to this realization on my own. Hahahah... (i keep on laughing I dont know why) Anyways, I am 99% sure super crush is not interested. (The 1% is just my wishful thinking) I probably knew that a while back ago but what can I say, I like to be in denial. He's just too friendly I think. And you know how not good I am at reading guys. I always think they might mean something else. What has brought me to this conclusion? Oh that he still hits on other girls when I'm around, that he still regularly updates POF, that he goes on dates every week.... Hahahaha. I is so sad D: Its just weird because like, I guess he thinks I'm an okay friend so we talk about the most random stuff and like, I dont feel awkward or under any type of pressure when I talk to him. Its just very at ease that he doesn't care about what I know and dont know. anyways. I've been saying this for the past week now but I'm really gonna make the effort to move on from super crush now okay. And since hes goin' outta town for the next 10 days it'll be like cold turkey so I'm gonna need someones hand to hold on to!!

..........But before that happens I would like to record my last few happy times with super crush. I am contradicting the hell outta myself right now but I'm weening okay D: Anyways. Monday...or Tuesday night, cant remember. I was opening at KY and as my shift ends I check my phone and low and behold Brendan has send me (and probably 8 other ppl) a random message asking to join him and his friend for wings. Hahaha obviously I start laughing hysterically and my coworkers laugh at me because I'm crushing so hard. So I meet up with him and his friend and just talk randomly (they talk, I watch and eat....) I tell them about how all Chinese people think I'm too whitewashed to understand chinese and say I am fat. He laughs hysterically. D: Later on that week me Nomin and Tara make plans to go out/party/drink because I magically have the Friday night off. I ask Brendan the day before if he wants to come out with Nomin and I, but since I'm not sure where we are going he doesn't reply. Anyways. Friday rolls around and Nomin and I are walking to Tara's and he messages me! hahaha if I wasn't in the liquorstore in public I woulda laughed hysterically again. I end up inviting him over to Tara's place for drinks to which he actually comes! Shocking I know. So Tara and Nomin and I are kiiiinda tipsy when he comes. I am embarrassingly red. We just end up telling random stories. Punching dykes in the back of the head..... creepy Spanish man at OilCity. Eventually we end up going with him to meet up with Dave and his other friends at a bar on Whyte. Throughout the night Nomin gets kicked out of the bar, and while I'm helping her catch a cab, Tara decides to call it quits too but since my jacket is still inside I end up staying at the bar alone with super crush and his friends. (Oh yah his friends were all making fun of him because he was on the prowl that night for ladies. They laughed. I cried!) Later, we all go to Humpty's (thank god I did not throw up from drinking) and all his friends are just talking random talking. So funny and So random. His friends are so casual I could cry. No bitching or complaining and just making fun of each other. Which I enjoyed as well, and (I suppose it coulda been the alchohol) but I didn't feel like I was gonna have an anxiety attack or anything, it was quite pleasant! Anyways, I dont eat my food cuz it tastes funny, he eats most of it. Then drives me home. We talk a bit, and I'm super tired from being up almost 24 hours/drinking but am really happy. Hahaha. He doesn't wait for me to get in my building before he drives away. Next day, I'm still pretty happy because I had a good night with brendan and his friends. Nothing embarrassing, didn't cry or anything! Again, later in the day he randomly messages me laughing at the drunken text I sent him on the dance floor. (its the random messaging that throws me off I think) so we talk on and off throughout the day, until right before I head to KY he tells me hes got a date on Sunday. :( I tell him I'm jealous and he says he has no sympathy and I should message more guys on PoF. That makes me sadder. :( :( So. I get kinda defensive and tell him I I dunno.... I tell him its easier to say than it is to do, to just jump in and meet people. I dunno why I was able to do it with him, but I feel like I am going to have a heart attack whenever I go to message someone else on POF. That and all the times I chanced it with other guy's and've had my heart broken. Craig, Mitch, Shane, Michael...... I mean, thats gotta do soemthing to a girl right? I've said it before and I'll say it again, getting left behind so much makes me feel like I'm not worth coming back for, you know. (you guys are saying ONLY FOUR GUYS?! but it really hurt okay) So anyways I tell him that and he says *thats unfortunate that you've lost empathy do you being unable to predict/tell untruths* I was working at the time and I thought if I talked about it anymore I was gonna cry so I just stopped msging..... Even though I know it, it hurts 10x more when someone else says it to you. So yeah I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night, and was kinda sad. Saturday finishes, Sunday family goes for dimsum. I get called in to work at KY. And I remember Brendan said he had a date tonight. This is going to be the meanest thing I've said in a while but, close to midnight Im on FB and I see he has commented on his status as *This date is painful*..................I was so Happy!!!! Hahahahaha...... D: Sooooo I end up sending him a msg bugging him about his date. And his reply was. "She ordered juice, Corinna, juice @ 10pm!" Aaaaaaah I was laughing about that for the entire day.... hahaha............. And then I went and had dinner with Michael and invited him to have dinner with my family on Christmas....... aaaaaaaaargh

Okay cold turkey. Commence.....now.

Effervescence

It just took me 25+ mintues to think of a fancy word to use as my title.........

Sometimes I think its funny how people ask for advice even though they've already decided and just want you to say what they want to hear!

Anyways, sometimes I think I am going to be single forever. Or that I just have INCREDIBLY bad luck/timing. :( Craig is the first case in my defense. Didn't he ask me a few times when he was still in my life to go over to his place for dinner, but he would always ask me on the ONLY day where I had a lab or something I couldn't get out of. (wow I haven't talked about craig in a long time! Hahaha, I still randomly think about you/wonder where you are and what your doing/ if your okay......) yeah, and it happened on more than one occassion. When I was trying to woo him he was seeing somebody and when he tried to ask me out I was seeing Mitch. F-ing Mitch.....
Sometimes I feel like this bad timing is happening with Brendan too. (I suppose there is the possibility that its not bad luck and its just him saying no.......) Hahaha we'll either or. I think the first time was when I asked him to come to the staff party. He leaves for vacation the day of the staff party and couldn't go. (I also suppose he kinda said no because of the whole hitting on my cuter coworkers/being awkward......) the 2nd time was few days later when he asked me to go to his sister's Bday dinner. *sob sob* that one really REALLY hurt. Obviously/ironically I decided to go to Vancouver that week and couldn't go. Today, I really wanted to go to Gaya and I figured he woulda been at the U studying. So I asked him if he was there and/or wanted to go for dinner. Obviously, the day I ask is the day he's not there. Yeaaaaaah, I asked him if he wanted to go anyways, and he suggested Vietnamese instead............ and then he called me and said he probably shouldn't go because he had to study for a big test tmo....... I was having such a good day I SWEAR I woulda caught him *sigh*
Anyways, you know, now that I've written this out it kinda feels like hes just saying no and its not bad luck..... *sob sob sob* anyways, I suppose I'll just continue to have this silly crush on him till it transfers to someone else. So yah....hopefully I'll meet this someone else soon before I get my heart mashed into a bloody pulp again. :( why do I crush so hard !!

Note to self. Someone's always got it worse than you.

Ugh. I'm going through a major crash right now. Stupid weekends always do this to me. Had a really less than average week this week and I feel really stressed. Theres just so much stuff I have to/want to/ need to/ am being told to do. And I'm having a lot of trouble prioritizing whats most important right now. Trying to set up the new studio is KILLING ME. All my stuff is just in the corner on the floor as I'm trying to get tables and shelves and stuff moved in. Trying to find some stuff on Kijiji, but everytime I find something I can't find anyone to help me move it in. I got yelled at by some guy on Kijiji the other day because I coudn't get a hold of anyone with a car to pick it up. KW was crazy busy on friday and of course I had double shift and KY was equally busy. I was so tired at the secret santa party it was like, eat-pictures-leave. ugh. And then Saturday, Michael called me while he was drinking again. I dont even wanna go into that conversation. He sent me a text this afternoon apologizing.....And then ugh....this week has just been so bringing me down. I just feel like people think I'm stronger than I really am. And I dont know when to say Help Me or I Can't Take Anymore. My mind is thinking about eight hundred and twelve things and I just dont know what I should be feeling. Why am I feeling sad, am I supposed to be feeling this way, Am I just bringing myself down right now? what the hell.

I actually think I know one of the main branches to this problem. And that would be because of that whole having a crush who doesn't like you scenario again. Damn you. Always happens, and as much as I think its not, I know it is. Who the hell am I trying to impress. I never used FB this much before I met him so like what the hell am I doing with all these status updates? Who really cares? He'll never think of you as anything more than just a friend so stop trying to get his attention all the time, thinking so much, worrying so much. Ack. I'm so stupid sometimes. Why does this always happen to me? Falling for the most inappropriate guys all the time. I mean, I always gotta like the ones that are so different and uncaring, exactly what I dont need, and I just tell myself, 'no no, this is good, he's so different its like opposites attracting, we can learn so much from each other' But who am I trying to fool? Obviously myself.

So. I guess, all I'm telling myself right now. Is to just. Stop.

when worlds come crashing down

what will you do then?

feeling kinda sad today. Just started going downhill after work. *sigh* Stupid KW and all this goddamn drama/gossip/bs. I'm going to sound like a such a contradiction, but I hate gossip and the drama it brings. I dont like gossiping really, but its impossible to get away from it at the kiosk. One of the reasons I didnt wanna go to the staff party was because I knew it'd be all jolly happy ha-ha there, but the second everybody left they'd start talking about each other behind there backs. So anyways, I was getting the cold shoulder today from one of my coworkers because I had told the other girls something that 'wasn't supposed to be said'. I just....I just....UGH don't people have anything better to do than just talk about things people tell them? It was like a whole he said that she said that you said..... fucking jesus. Like, I didn't even really care when she said bye to everyone else but me, but later on I started to get really upset. I mean, the stuff that she tells me she always says *dont tell anyone okay* but I already know that everyone probably already knows and shes also told them 'not to tell anyone'. So like, yeah I guess it was noisy of me to tell my co workers that, but if she didn't want anyone to know, or is ashamed or whatever, then why do it, why ask me what I think. It obviously bothered you so much that you didn't want anyone to know, so why ask me for my opinion. You knew what I would say, you know what everyone else is gonna say so like....why? fuck man.
And then, after work I started getting sad because....I got my studio now but I cant get any furniture for it. I need some tables and a shelf and I'm trying trying trying TRYING to get someone to help me move stuff into the studio so I can start working and everyone is just super busy. And I feel so useless. SO. USELESS. Sitting at home getting yelled at by people for not coming to pick things up and it just makes me more and more sad.
Ugh. Its days like today that makes me hope I die soon. I have such little faith in society and I certainly dont want to have to live another 60 years here.

What goes up....

.....must come down.

Sorry about the slightly negative sounding title. I've actually been having a really good past few days since coming back from BC. The guy I like has been talking to me a lot more lately, which is kinda unexpected. Ha-ha. I mean I really enjoy it, but I'm not sure if its just cause he thinks I'm an 'interesting friend' or whatnot...... *sigh*..... I remember few years ago Jeff told me that I give off mixed signals and 'signs' that I'm uninterested in guys (when in reality I am) and what bothers me is that I have no idea how to take down these said signs. I wonder what guys are thinking and what guys mean when they say certain stuff. Mmmm, like the first one was.... when he msged me that one nite when I was in vancouver and I asked him to the staff party. He said something like 'oh no thx all KY has is old ladies. Well and you' ......means nothing right? And then same conversation, he said it would be awkward having him hit on my coworkers especially considering how we met. That one sounds like he's not interested at all to me. But then, the next day I get a msg from him asking if I want to go to a party with him and his buddy's (keep in mind he's never asked me to do anything before) and I was kinda happy because it seemed 'slightly interested' And then, he texted me randomly few days ago and that just started up a mini chat/conversation which led to him offering to drive me home after work, which I messed up :( But like, sometimes the conversations we have seem more like 'just friends'. Like, he'll tell me about girls he's interested in yadda yadda yadda.......I guess, it doesn't help that I always pull that *too cool* card. Like he'll say something about a girl and I'll say *yeah shes cute* but in reality I'm kinda sad he didn't say *you're cute*....... ha-ha :( But then, the next day, after not talking to him the whole day, he sends me a msg around the time Id normally get off at KY asking 'need a ride today?' ....that sounds like hes interested right? But then.... he always brings up pof and if I've met any new guys or whatnot.... I feel like hes telling me to keep trying!! And then the last thing was today, he was on lunch break and swung by to talk to me. But for a longer than usual time. I had my lunch break too, so we kinda walked around and gossiped before he left........
Aaaah I dunno. I think I just have such a crush on him and am therefore overthinking too much. Either he knows I like him and he just wants to be friends, or he thinks I'm not interested and is just being friends. D: Aaaaah, I'm positive its the former, but still so confusing :(

poooooo :(

someone likes messing around with me don't they?

sigh. such a bittersweet week last few days i have been having. Remember super crush? Of course you do, all my entries for the past few months have been about super crush. Well anyways, remember how I was saying hes never 'initated contact'? Yeah, it was always me starting up the conversations. Everyone at KW was saying 'i dont think he's interested.....' and I probably knew they were telling the truth, but I still have a pretty big crush on him. So anyways I kinda just let it be, I msg him every so often to chat nothing serious. But, while I was in Vancouver, he msged me randomly on FB. Just random conversation, and I decided to ask him/see if he wanted to come to KY's staff party. Hahaha obviously he couldn't come because he had other plans already. So yeah can't say I didn't try right! Yadda yadda, fast forward a few days. I'm at C's checking my email and....what the... theres an email from super crush..... and....he asked me to come hang out with his friends at a party...... hahahah you guys have no idea how pleased I was when I read that email. I screamed and called I over ro read it and then gave her a hug, I was so happy. Hahaha I sound so lame right now I know but really it was the LAST thing I was expecting. but anyways, since I was out of town I coudln't make it either..... *sigh* .......*siiiiiiiiiigh* Such bad timing D:
So anyways, fastforward few more days. Im back in town now and I'm talking to super crush on FB and he says hes gonna call cuz hes too lazy to type. (I suppose whenever we talk on the phone hes always the one that calls me......) so then we're talking he asks me how POF is, I say same ol same ol. (not interested if hes asking me that right?) Anyways, I still like talking to him just cuz he does lots of talking.....tells me stories that make me laugh... hahaha..... well that night we talked till like 2am about random stuff, and hes got class tmo I feel happy that he stayed up to chat. Anyways nothing serious as usual. He says bye, I say bye, we hang up.
Now, TODAY. I am at KY just starting my shift. It is supah slow so I go to check my phone and super crush has texted me! Just a random funny story. I laugh, and msg him back. So its kinda back and fourth texting. I'm cashing out and he sends me *if I dont reply its because my phone died* and I reply *hahah np. I'm heading home now so if I dont reply its because I am getting mugged* (testing to see what he'll say) He says *I'm at the library right now if you want a ride? holy shit! hahahah i was hoping hed ask but I didnt think he would!! So then I kinda hint at yes, and then I start walking to campus. I ask where he wants to meet, but..... he doesnt' reply..... I wait a bit, then walk to the library but its already closed....... yeah figures right. I have the worst luck. His phone probably died and he just went home. So, I just head to the lrt and take the train home, feeling kinda sad. I get home, have some dinner. 10 minutes later he calls me saying *it sure is taking you a long time to get here?* and i'm like *.........ohno......i'm home already......* and then he says oh okay thats fine. bye *hangs up* Oh my god, I felt so bad. I just assumed, with the luck that I have theres no way a guys gonna wait for me hes just gonna call it a day and go home right? But of course not, its gotta go the exact opposite of what I think. Fuuuuuuuuck. I thought he was so angry because he waited for so long. *sob sob sob sob* Why do I have SUCH bad luck? D: D: D: Anyways, I sent him a msg later apologizing but he told me not to worry about it and he said he was more worried than angry, so that made me feel better. Ha-ha...... *sigh* I cant believe I stood super crush up........

Said the bumble bee to the porcupine

Hey. I actually felt really good today. Like a small amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders or something, even though nothing really happened. Well I suppose nothing "productive" happened. Someone up and called me out of the blue yesterday and talked for a little bit. He asked about my FB status which I was kinda surprised about. Haha, anways, apparently he was having some slight relationship problems so he wanted to hear about someone else's problems for a change. (He really only ended up telling me about his problem but whatever)

Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the face

Hi Sports Fans!

Anyways, so I've been semi worrying lately that I need a fourth job......I feel like I'm not working enough/ making enough money. My 2 jobs at KW & KY combined dont even give me full time hours so I worry about how am I supposed to pay for rent, pay for my studio, pay for groceries, pay for supplies and fabric etc etc. I mean, how is it now that I'm needing a job to pay for whats supposed to be my job for the rest of my life? I worry if I'm on the right path or not and if I'm wasting my time chasing a design career. I always always believed that as long as I could wake up happy and wanting to go to work it woudn't matter how much I was making. Sanity is much more important than wealth.....or so I believed. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes realizing that I've spent 6+ years in school and I'm still waitressing. (and I'm not even happy there....) My nursing friends sometimes make more in a week than I do in a month and I wonder if 1/2/5 years from now I'll still be okay with that......
I mean, when I have time to design/draft/sew I love it, but I wonder if I'm capable of making a living do it......Did I waste another year in school chasing another fairy tale dream?....And The real sad thing is, the second I started having these thoughts I immediately thought about going back to school. I didn't even wanna attempt to see if I could do it.....I just looked for the next escape. I'm so scared of failure sometimes it makes me wanna vomit. Blaaaaaaah......

I know I know I just worry too much about other people and what pthey think, I should focus on what I want yadda yadda. But just in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, sometimes your mind gets the best of you......


Does that make sense? I feel like it kinda doesn't but yeah....

Anyways I gotta go to bed now. I somehow managed to rack it up to 4am again. *sob sob*

I feel very sad today

...yes I do. I woke up super early to get the keys for the new studio. Shoulda been so pumped. I sewed for an hour after then came home and slept for a couple. Just woke up and I totally recognize this feeling. The one I hate to have. I just....my mind is really clear right now, but my chest.....my heart feels really sad. I dunno. I dunno. I'm really tired, and I really really REALLY dont want to go to work today. I dont feel like being very social, and I kinda just wanna stay at the studio and sew. Ugh. I suppose I knew this one was coming. Having to much of an up period means it was bound to come down. So lonely sometimes. I guess .... yeah I'm pretty lonely. Meeting too many new people has its ups and downs. The downs being when your feelings aren't returned. I just want someone to hold my hand and give me a hug every once in a while is that too much to ask?

Russian Tea Room/ HBD

25 years old doesn't feel very different from 24 years old doesn't feel very different from 23 years old.....

But anyways so yah its my bday today!....well it was its 1 52AM now so I suppose it was my birthday. Switched shifts so I had today off and get to work Halloween. I went to get my palm read today. $60 bucks which nwo that I think about it was kinda pricy, but whatever, once a year. Anyways, the people at RTR were scarily accurate. I got a tarot reading and palm reading. The first 3 cards the lady drew she said to me *oh my god, you are working too much you have a lot of stress and burdens on your shoulder....a lot from work yes problems at work. Where do you work at?* Then I said I work at KY, KW and sew pt as well...... (the lady who read lings palms told her 'your good with your hands and are very caring, are you a nurse?') Um....fuck I already forgetting what she told me. She said my mom might have some minor health issues, especially in her neather regions. My moms side of the family, possibly my Gramma will also have some minor health issues. One of my brothers, the more *charming* one will be having a relationship soon. One of my friends will be having boy problems and end it with a bf shes been on and offing it again (chanda holy crap that was fast) Um....she said I was going to go on a trip in the near future (i laughed because I'm going to vancouver end of November) She said I'll do a lot of travelling and she sees a major move in the next few years. Like a permanent move. Um....the 3 questions I asked were #1 about the guy I like right now. I asked if it was worthwile to pursue or is it just a random guy in my life I shoudn't worry about. She said if it develops it will be nice relationship. He is very mature and has good relationship with his family but a little tiny drift between the father. Then I asked about my work, if I was on the right path or not. And she said *it will work out, but thats all, it will just *just* work out. You won't make it big but you'll just get by*. She also said I would probably be going back to school maybe come September. (Totally weird because I've been thinking about taking up Massage Therapy a lot recently.) Um so yah, she said if I move it will be better for my career. Something to do about going South for lots of inspiration. Um...and then for the 3rd question I coudln't think of anything so I just asked about my health. She said I'm in very good health, but I'll probably be getting some back problems down the line (if by down the line she means now then yes she is also correct there!) Relationship-wise she said I should expect to meet someone withing the next 6months... something about February I think. He will be very mature with brown or dark blonde hair and brown eyes.... Something about meeting him via friends. But I shoudln't go around asking it'll just be a random encouter and it goes from there. At least she said he was caucasian right!
And for my palm reading, she told me that I have lots of stress..... lots of worries.... sees me going back to school again. oh OH and children wise she saw 3....at least 2 for sure and the 2nd one will be an *oopsie* Hahahaha. I didn't ask when I would die (The lady told ling she'd die when she was 85). Then she asked me if I had any questions to ask. What I would be going back to school for. And she said (obviously) to better my education.... (really vague I know) then I asked when am I going to get married. She said *I see the number 25* o_O hahaha but she said *You'll probably meet someone in your 25th year and this person I see you having a strong union/bond with* hahah Yay! And then I asked about my ex. I told her a one sentence summary, and asked if we should still try to be friends or if I'm just asking for problems down the road. She told me she doesn't like to asnwer these questions because its more my choice....crap I cant remember what she told me. But she said, the guy that you are going to meet the relationship will be much more calm and reliable, because you have trust issues I know, but it will feel much more comfortable. Your last relationship was very up and down and not reliable, this one will be better..... double yay! .....um..... thats all I can remember for now I'm so tired. Forgot I have to open at KW tomorrow. double F.....

But on a side note I am so excited for Friday. hohohohohohohoh.......

I don't trust love very much. It's a temporary impulse that makes you lose yourself and forget whats important to you.

This is a line I pulled from a manga I've been reading. At this exact moment in time I feel it is perfect. Just perfect.

Anyways I was just re-reading my last entry. I do not remember typing that at all but even when I'm reading it I feel like it hasn't expressed what I was feeling that nite. I just can't explain it. :( *sigh* Well anyways. Today is Sunday and I went to have dinner with Michael. I knew it was going to happen but after we got into that argument I knew he was going to call me/msg me 2-3 days later to apologize. I suppose thats why I wasn't that angry, but still. So he msged me on Friday (super crush came to KY that day too btw!) saying sorry, and that he still wanted to see me on Sunday for dinner and after that he would disappear. I didn't have time to msg him back till midnight when I was at my studio. So I had a long (calm) talk with him. I said that I cant handle it when you tell me that you want us to be together again. We're not on the same page anymore when you say those things. I only want to be friends right now and if you're not able to accept that then I guess its not going to work. Crap do I sound like a jerk? I just....I was trying to explain to him....about finally taking of those Rose colored glasses. You know. For the longest time I always thought I'd never find someone who I'd love as much as him. But after I made that decision to move on it was just like *click* I started seeing all the holes in our relationship. He made all these promises to me to A) quit smoking, B) quit gambling, C) quit drinking. I never asked him to do any of these and he was the one who said that he would quit all the above for me, but never got around to doing it. Towards the end of my program at Marvel when I was starting to burn out he would get really angry at me when I didn't wanna have sex cuz I was really tired. What is it with guys and not being able to keep it in there pants? I'd remember those few times when I'd be so SO drowsy from taking sleeping meds and he'd still want to do it so I'd just let him even though it was like 1AM and I had to get up early the next morning..... But I think the number 1 problem in our relationship was the communication barrier. I never really thought it was anything, but I think a lot of our fights were because of miscommunication. Sometimes I would try to explain something in Chinese and I wouldn't use the right words or whatever, or I'd say it in English and maybe he wouldn't understand. So.... we would always be on each other backs because we weren't seeing eye to eye. I think thats why I'm not really interested in Asians right now. I dunno M/B are trying to introduce me to a Chinese/Filipino guy and I'm just not interested. At all. I want a nice cute white boy.....it must be the family curse....
Okay, well back to the story, so I tell him, that I only want to be friends right now. I dont know whats going to happen down the road but at this moment I dont want to get back together. I said just try to move on right now and dont wait for me. And he said I will wait for you forever. Its just, stuff like that that makes me really frustrated. I honestly dont think we'll get back together again (ironic isn't it that a mere 2 months ago I was telling everyone I always always thought we would get back together again....) so then compressed version is I said I'll see him on Sunday for dinner but only if we go as friends. (am I being selfish for making him do that.....)
So then today, Sunday, we meet up for dinner. The first 3/4 was really good. Not awkward at all, just talked about the usual. Work, family, things that piss us off KY gossip yadda yadda yadda. Went for ramen and ice cream. Then he walks me back home and comes into my building with me. I say you dont have to come in with me you know. Then he asks me for a hug.... and I pause....but we still hug and when I go to back away he holds on to me. And says *you really wont give me another chance?* And.....I just stood there again with that dumbfounded not knowing what to say/how to explain/is this happening again? I walked away mumbling random words. I dont know why my brain just stops working when this happens?? So he said he was sorry again, and gave me my birthday card and present. He wrote it a long long time ago he said, and the present is a bracelet which I haven't opened yet..... So then, I said thanks and that I was going up now and gave him another hug and said *sorry I'm not going to kiss you this time* and he said *I want to* and started to follow me into the building and I dont have those feelings for him anymore, I just can't explain the feeling I had but he followed me and when I went into the elevator he grabbed my arm and I just said Please.....don't..... and then the elevator closed. My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry this time.......
I think to you guys it sounds like I still love him. But I'm telling you I dont. I just feel nothing anymore when I see him and when he talks about us or the past or wanting to kiss me I feel really really uncomfortable. Probably because now I dream about kissing super crush.......

my brain feels like it has exploded right now. I'm not comprehending anything. Anything. I dont even know what I'm feeling, I'm so f-ing confused right now. Since that day Michael told me he wanted to get back together, he's been sending me messages non stop. Good Morning. Good Night. Dress Warmly. I Miss You. I dont know the word to describe it but I got somewhat..... overwhelmed? upset? Then he started calling me randomly, (I want to say drunk but I'm not sure) and it was making me really really.... angry? sad? So this morning he asks me out for lunch and I....I'm so drowsy. I cant remember what happened. He asked me out for lunch on my lunch break and I said no. Then he asked me what I was doing after work, and I said I wnted to go to my studio to get some stuff done. and he said *Fine, I will stay at home* And I dont know why but that made me really upset, cause it sounded like he was angry with me? So i msged him back saying. 'you already asked me out for dinner on sunday I said I will see you then, I really am busy I have lots to do, I've been working 14 days straight' and then he replied back saying 'sorry dont be mad' and i replied back saying I'm not mad. Later on in the day I get a msg saying *I am coming to see you, I am at KW now* And I dont know why I got really really scared. I told my coworker and I started crying. On the spot at the kiosk. I dont know why. But I was scared what was going to happen when I saw him. I guess, I just feel that he is kind of an unstable person (I'm not any better I know) and was scared something might happen. Anyways I seen him walk past twice, because he doesn't know where I work and I.....I started to feel bad? So i left the kiosk and went to see him. And like.... I guess it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be but it was still really awkward. I coudln't look him in the eyes. I dont even know why. But everything that comes out of his mouth I dont want to listen to. He asks me if I'm bothering him, if I dont want him to call anymore, if I dont even want to be friends. And I dont say yes. If I say yes, yes I dont want you to call me anymore, I feel bad. Really bad. If I say no, no I still want you to call me I feel like I'll be leading him on and lying to myself. Why, why the fuck do I think that we can still be friends. Who am I trying to impress and what have I got to lose by losing you? After I talked to him briefly at KW I told him I was really upset that he was sending me messages every day. And then he said sorry I'll stop, and then I said I had to go back to work and he walked away. I felt SO bad. Again, I dont know why. When I got off work I sent him a message seeing if he was still in the mall and that I was going to catch the bus. He said that he was at a pub drinking and that hes not going to bother me anymore. I said your not bothering me, I just dont want you messaging me every day every minute. Its confusing me because you say you still want to be friends but you send me stuff like that thats obviously not 'just friends' intentions.
And then the last message he sends me is *I want to be friends but I dont think it is a good idea because I am worried what I might do when I am with you* ...... no comment. So I go home and take a nap. When I wake up Michael calls me and is telling me.....telling all kinds of stuff. My brain felt so cloudy becuase he was telling me ALL this stuff about his regrets and the past, and how bad he felt because he was never there for me. I dunno if it was just too muhc information or what, but I coudln't say anything. There was so so SO much I wanted to say but I didn't know how to. It was like there wasn't proper words to express msyelf with. And in the end. Obviously we got into a fight. I just gave up because i couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say and I said I didn't want to talk anymore. He got angry, hung up and then sent me 2 messages commenting on what I said. and then he said Good Bye. It seems so miniscule what I'm complaining about but it made me so so drowsy. I had just woken up from a nap and yet my brain was so cloudy. I took 2 sleeping pills just to ease the mind, althought I was already pretty drowsy to begin with. And the real kicker is. All this time while michael was talking to me all I could think about was calling my crush. It was ALL i could think about. I cried of course, but while I was crying I just thought about that time he called me to talk. I hate it when I get so obsessed over a guy that I make up the worst reasons that make it okay for me to do soemthing that I would normally not do. I thought, I'll ask him out for drinks so we can talk. I'll ask him why he hasnt been to KW lately. I'll ask him how school is. Would I really do that? No no i wouldn't. I dont know why I always fall for guys who dont show interest in me. It took so much talking to myself to not to call/text him. I'm so stupid sometimes. Stupid and upset and worried. I have so much stuff I want to do and I'm so drowsy right now. 2 pills kick in so fast holy crap. Anyways, I dont know what I'm going to do about michael. It seems pretty obvious right now that its over, and we cant even be friends. But i have a feeling I'm going to be pretty sad and might end up calling him. But the only thing I want right now is to talk to my crush....

poor you ... you will meet your "shinning aromr " soon

aka advice from my best friend.

um...... so......i'm not sure why i'm on here again..... originally I was going to write a happy happy post, but I got kinda bummed out..... so now I dont know what I want to write.... I suppose the joke I had wasn't that funny so lets just move onto the real reason why I have this blog. I'MA SO SAD...... D: D: Why are my emotions like a fucking roller coaster? holy shit. whatever did I do in my previous lifetime to get what I've gotten this time around? I'm so so SO confused 70% of the time. I know I know I know, I always fall way to fast for crushes that I have, so when I finally find something bad about them it crushes my heart. I mean, I know its gotten bad that whenever someone tells me something negative I jump to defend him. I just (not going to say really like) have a really big crush on this new guy right now. Like what kind of advice do I take. everyone at KW keeps telling me *move on/find another guy/hes CLEARLY not into you* but how can you tell??! I admit that I did feel kinda sad (before they gave me this advice) that he never msgs me first, and I'm always the one starting conversations. but like.... I know that he's not looking for anything serious so ....so...... am I just being dumb?? I just really like the talks taht we have. *sigh* Well i guess on the *plus* side, he swings by to say Hi whenever hes at KW....does that mean anytyhing? Sometimes I wonder why I bother to ask these questions when its obvious I wont get an answer. But so anyways. yeah I still tell everybody I have a super crush on him and everybody thinks I'm crushing too hard, but what can I say, i can't help it. So....anyways about the *bad news* I heard from him. I totally wasn't expecting it and when he said it I was like *........oh.......* then I got a little sad. I know I've got it bad when I made up a reason for that habit too...... sigh...... SIIIIIIIIIGH.

Okay, I guess I really will tell you that joke, just to lighten up the mood. I was watching wheel of fortune earlier. The hint was "popular saying" and the board read: S_ _ A_ A _ _X.
I loudly proclaimed SAD AS A BOX!!! .....i thought it was funny.....

so, yesterday I kind of had a....a....i dont even know what i had. an episode of depression? mini breakdown? I feel a bit better now but I dunno if I over reacted or whatnot but just a bunch of unexpected things happened to me as the week progressed and the last one kinda shook me up. I dont even know what happened first. I guess... maybe the first thing that upset me was when I was at KW and M told me that I should never have to call a guy, and if a guy was interested in me he would be the one to make the first move. And like, I could totally see her pov, but I kept on defending my reason saying, *oh but this* and *oh but he also* And like, I could hear the words coming out of my mouth and I knew how infatuated I mustve sounded. But I was really sad because the more people I asked, the more they told me that *it sounds like the guy's not interested, your the one always initiating conversations, and he doesn't talk to you unless you talk to him first* And so that brought me down a little bit. I was like, why do all the guys I'm interested in don't care so much about me, and vice versa. The only other guy I replied back to on pof msgs me randomly all the time, but I'm just not drawn to him at all. Its ridiculous how often I fall in this situation. Whats even more awkward is that both pof guys know each other. Like 'good friends' know each other. So anyways. I was a bit upset over that but I was still like *I DONT CARE! I'm going to ask him out for coffee next week!!!* Few days later my classmate messages me about renting out a studio with her. And I was like *FUCK YEAH* I need a studio space SO bad. Whenever I get home I just get so lazy and I look at that pitiful *drafting area* that I have and then I go and climb in bed. So anyways I was really excited to get an actual studio space to be creative. And then, obviously because I'm an idiot, I started worrying again about doing this for the rest of my life. What if I just end up getting bored with it like every hobby I've taken up. What if my designs dont sell. What if I'm wasting my money again. What if I spend the rest of my life working as a waitress or at KW. So much doubt in my mind, and not enough confidence in myself. And THEN the big kicker of the week.........was when Michael asked me to get back together.....yup..... after year and 2 months of hoping and hoping and hoping that we would get back together. The week after I finally decide to move on and find someone else, he asks me to get back together. It took me so so SO long to get the courage and settle my emotions down enough to move on. And then this fucking happens. I would've been SO happy if he asked me 2 weeks ago before I developed this new crush. But no. Of course the SECOND I like someone else, he decides that he wants to get back. And of course, I dont have feelings for him anymore because I like this new guy who, of course, does not appear to have feelings for me. Its obvious that someone enjoys fucking with my life. I just....all I can think about now when I think about Michael is him walking away from me and breaking my heart. Ugh. I feel like I'm over reacting this time because I'm not even confused. I dont know why I'm so so sad, because I know what my answer will be, but I still just feel so down. Am I making the right choice again? I dont want to go back to Michael 'just because' its convenient. you know what I'm sayin?

why is trying to woo someone soooooo complicated.

*sob sob* Where is this dating rule book that everyone seems to have read cept me? I'm soooo confused. Is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy for coffee? What if said guy doesn't *appear* to be interested? I mean, everybody keeps telling me that I shoudn't always be the one initiating conversations. "If they guy doesn't message you at all, then he's not interested". But, at the same time, the conversations we do have don't feel like *nothing*.....Aaaaaah dunno. Its probably just cuz I have a super crush on him right now, but I keep on thinking theres nothing wrong and I should just go for it and see what happens. Am I setting myself up for a broken heart again? gaaaaah. Why do I always always fall for the same guys :( It would make me feel so much better if he sent me a message at least once........

has a new crush

I guess this entry will answer the question I posed 2 entries ago.... I kinda forgot what it felt like to have butterflies for someone again. hah. Well anyways, lets start from the begining I suppose. Its been over a year since I broke up with Michael. And I always always thought we were gonna get back together. But I guess I figured out we weren't/ wanted to move on. So I went onto a online dating site that T and M and a handful of other people I know are on.
First week was pretty bleh. I am probably secretlly still scared that I will meet another cement man. *shudder* Anyways, sometime later a guy messages me and its semi personal. Not the typical *hey/hi/whats up* And his profile seemed interesting enough so I just reply to his simple question. And low and behold he replies back! Hahah I sound so desperate but whatever didn't think much. Anyways, yadda yadda not to sure how long its been....just over a week I think but we've talked a bit more, and I get the butterflies before I msg him. So I guess that means I'm over Michael now........Which is good. I didn't think that it would be so *quick* Transference maybe. But anyways I'm kinda worried (again....) because this one is kinda the complete opposite of me? Reminds me of Shane, but more/less serious at the appropriate times. I also find him pretty funny too which is very good. Aaaaaaand, also through the magic of FB I kinda found out he was going to an event that R was also going to so I asked R to pick me up a ticket too so I could *assess the situation* hahaha (creep and loser I know) so anyways I got dressed up and went there and I totally recognized him when he walked through the door, but he walked past me the first time and I was semi glad he didn't recognize me. 20 or so mintues later we are walking around trying to do I dont know what but he taps me on the shoulder (scaring the living bejeezus outta me since I didn't know he was right there) and says hi! Hahah at that time I actually wasn't sure if I was going to say Hi or txt or call him or anything. But I was kinda surprised that he just said hi like that. Anyways long story short I'm really glad I went out that night and bumped into him. Even though we only talked for like 5 mintues, after both of us went home we talked on FB till like 6am about random stuff. I dunno I just feel really comfortable talking to him, and I feel like he doesn't judge me like Shane did.
Okay so then fastforward to the next day and I'm talking to him on FB again and like... I dont know him that well, but he sounded different.....less happy if thats possible. And, I dunno who I was trying to impress but we got on the topic of insomnia somehow. And I told him that sometimes I think too much which results in my insomnia. And then I suggested we get off the topic because it was kinda depressing and that Id have trouble sleeping if it got to serious. So then he said "if you want" and I asked him if he was okay because he didn't sound to happy, and he said he didn't want to get too deep into it for fear it might give me another sleepless night. So me, being the jerk I am I said *okay* and changed the subject. And after he signed off. I kinda fell into a slump. I dunno if I did it on purpose or what not (i certainly hope not) but I felt like a jerk for not listening to him. He said it was nothing but, I still feel like a jerk. I just... he asked me why I had trouble sleeping and I told him, but I couldnt care to listen to his problem.... gah. it just put me into a slump this morning that I haven't been able to shake. I'm sure (hope) that its nothing and he wont care, but I just feel really sad now for no apparent reason. Ugh my mind is so groggy because I've been having lots of trouble sleeping this week and I try to stay up as late as possible so that I can just crash when I crawl into bed, so my mind can't think. But on the plus side it appears that I'm losing weight from all this kuffufin :) My skirt I bought in China fits me now. yay......

How to Become a Monster

"My thirty-something years of life weren't even a bat of an eyelash in the universe's existence. And yet, I had put so much energy into living and loving. But everything I had loved had been ripped away from me and I was left with only the painful memory - like the luminous echo remaining of a few dead stars, reaching me here on earth. What I see is already dead. What I love is already dead." -Jean Barbe

I have never found a quote with which I agree with so much before. When I read it the second time I thought that it was perfect. the way I feel about life. about society. and about humanity. seems kinda negative, but it is true. Why do we exist and the point of our existance seems so miniscule. so so unimportant. hahah. And I wonder why I have no drive in life.
Anyways that quote is from a book I just finished reading "How to Become a Monster" Its... kinda a war story, but not really. Its about 2 men, one is a attorney defending a convicted murderer. and the other is the murderer/ radical. The begining of the book was kinda slow but like 3/4 in when it started to get into all that 'existance/ reason for being' stuff it got really good. My pov anyways...... just pleased to have found such a perfect quote. :)

why is there no instruction manual for life.

I suppose that would make it too easy wouldn't it.... but is that such a bad thing? I mean theres easy ways out for everything so why not life? I'm so confused right now because I think I realized I'm still in love with michael. I. Am Still. In Love. I just.... I signed up for an online dating thing because its been over a year since we broke up, and I thought I just need to meet someone to take my mind off michael (like michael made me forget about craig) so i was like YEAH thats exactly what I need. So I signed up like a few weeks ago. And theres one guy who i've been kinda back and fourthing ith with. And I just. I just CAN'T STOP wondering how michael will feel if he found out I was seeing somebody else. why why why WHY. why do I/should I care? I do still keep in touch with him, like he'll call me or i'll call him every 2 weeks or something just to chat. And we still joke around but I think I really do miss him still. Yesterday he sent me a txt saying to 'remember to wear a thicker jacket because its getting colder' ......uuuuugh. why is this haaaaaappening D: Randomly today I told M about Michael and how we broke up and how I always always thought we would get back together and it felt so weird reliving those exact moments that I never want to remember. But at the same I'm worried about what him being alone and what he'll do/ what'll happen to him if i start seeing somebody. I suppose I still consider him a friend (if not a bit more than) but what's gonna happen to this relationship if I were to start seeing somebody. And why am I even worrying about losing this friendship? ugh too tired to think D: D: D:

hating here

i really really hate ....what do i hate i dont even know. I just hate living here right now. I hate that my brother is so fucking lazy and all he can do is spend money on useless crap, and how selfish he is. i hate saying this but, sometimes the only thing i feel he is good for is spending money. he helps out with the financial stuff but thats it. doesn't do the dishes, doesn't throw out the trash, doesnt clean the washrrom, doesn't sweep the floor, doesn't cook, doesn't do the bottles, doesnt do anything except the easy stuff. vaccum. order pizza. drive to mcdonalds. vaccum. fuck piss me off so bad. today i had to work at 12-9. so i sent him a text asking him to cook the salmon that i had brought out a few days ago to defrost. i sent him simple instructions on how to cook the salmon. rinse, pat dry, season, pan fry for 3 mintues. make rice and veggies if you like. i come home at 9 30 and what do we have for supper? salad. fucking SALAD. i was, (and still am) SO pissed off. i just cant comprehend, how can it be so hard for someone to do something so simple? I just want to move out of here so bad. SO FUCKING BAD. and if i dont move i just want to fucking shoot myself in the face. i just can't believe this guy sometimes and how he doesn't think sometimes. I have such bad chest pains right now. and to top it off. i was so SO angry tthat i did the stupidest thing imaginable and called michael. well actually i msged him asking if he was still up. and he called me back and i told him what happened and the first thing he said to me was *your so childish* he always scolded me when we were going out for not understanding, but he's such a hypocrite himself. he never understood me at alll either. we make such a bad couple and yet its still him that i think of to call first. fucking jesus. i just..... i just can't believe that he couldn't understand hhow upset i was. and what does he do, just adds more fucking fuel too the fire. i dont even know why i still bother to call him when i'm so upset. every single time i've ever called him when i wanted to talk to he would always make me feel even worse, making me feel like it was my fault. i just cant understand some people. when i call someone to rant about something i'm upset about i really just want someone to listen and maybe say *oh thats too bad* not *OH YOUR WRONG* fuck fuck fuck. theres times when halfway through his sentence i just want to fucking hang up on him beause he just doesn't understand how upset i am. good god. i mean i guess i shoudln'tve called him since it was 10pm/past his bedtime but if he didn't want to talk/was in a bad mood then dont call me back. i've told him a million times beefore. if your in a bad mood dont call me. dont come out with me because your going to put me into a bad mood too. jesus christ i dont even know why i'm still so hung up ovver him. hes not very polite, he smokes, he gambles, hes kinda conceited and he doesn't get along with his family. its like a million things i look for in a guy that he doesn't have and yet all i can do is think about him. fuck fuck fuck FUCK. i just wanna move outta this place and away from everybody.

The right path....

hey everybody.
I guess I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging again. I was going through the first 2 years of my blogs re-reading all my entries and it makes me laugh at how simple my complaints were. no wonder I didn't have any followers. ha-ha...... well anyways. I've been staying up late a lot these past few weeks trying to get some sewing done. I've got some pieces on consignment at Bamboo Ballroom so hopefully I'll start making stuff on a regular basis now.
....But....speaking about starting to design again. I dunno why, but I'm starting to wonder about whether or not I'm really going to be happy being a fashion designer? I just feel like its such a superficial job now. UGH. how come I can't realize this stuff BEFORE i've spent ten grand on schooling.... After talking to Sarah at work, and reading Survivor, i just feel like I want to spend my life doing something more....helpful something more fulfilling. i've been having these thoughts of taking some massage therapy courses or something.... I'm still using my hands I'll be helping people at the same time. Its not even that this thought suddenly came up, I've thought about it before but it was always on the backburner. If i really did pursue this at least I would be garaunteed a job, and i'm sure the wage would be pretty good. And...and....and i dont know..... uuuuuugh..... the problem is, the problem is what I'm doing right NOW. i'm supposed to be a fashion designer. and i tell everyone i'm a fashion designer, and everyone thinks i am a fashion designer. but I'm having my doubts..... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *sob sob* Its just so stressfull right now. I'm telling everyone that I'm trying to save up money to set up my studio, and i'm designing on the side. but its all so frustrating because I'm having these second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really cut out be a fashion designer. I feel so timid compared to everyone else. And theres that part about me having such a superficial job for ther est of my life. If i wanna start looking into massage therapy I need to do it now. I dont want to spend years setting up a studio and designing and then realize again, this isn't what i want to do. and then have to go back to school again..... uuuuuuuuuuuuugh i'm so so so confused......

is pretty sure.......

I dont really know how to explain this feeling that I have.... but i'm pretty pretty *pretty* sure that i'm gonna die in at most a couple years. I'm all done school (for now) and I'm just not feeling happy with life. its super mundane, and everything is driving me crazy. Trying to get some weight off my chest, but whoever i tell, i feel like doesn't take me seriously. I'm pretty sure I should see a psychiatrist, but I haven't. 10+ years of knowing that and trying to tell someone that I need their help, their support and nadda. I dunno if I'm just that damn unlucky that no one I knows thinks I have a problem or if their just naive. Does no one believe that their sister, their friend, their daughter could have depression? That more and more often she wonders what the hell shes doing still alive? Why bother fighter sometimes i wonder. I look around me and i seriouisly wonder why the hell would anybody want to live in this world. Humans are killing it and we're killing ourselves. Why stick around and be a part of the problem.
I'm kinda getting a headache right now but I want to get some thoughts out. If you were so SO unfulfilled with life the only thing you looked forward to was death that would be kind of a goal...rather release....it would be your release, the one positive thing you looked forward to in life. And if you were depressed and just wanted to die, imagine how it would feel if people were telling you *no no dont do it dont die think of everybody you'll leave behind, think of all the pain you'll cause.* has it ever occured to anyone to think about that depressed persons pain? The pain of having to live every day because someone else told them to? denying them the one thing in life that had meaning? I dunno, its bad but thats the way i've been looking at things lately.
I talk, smile, laugh, play, work. but in the end i feel like it doesn't matter. at one or more points of time during the day i'll ponder the meaning of life. The second we're born, the only thing that we can be sure of is. you'll die. Thats the outcome of everyone. no ifs, ands or buts. and if that was the case. whats the point?
I'm just really tired of people not understanding how lost i am and how awful Im feeling. I've always said i dont know if its better knowing so much and worrying all the time, or being happy and completely oblivious of the pain and misery around you? I'm pretty sure I would chose the former 9 out of 10 times. just seeing how materialistic society is. geting getting getting. buying buying buying. all for what? I sit at home sometimes wondering when i'll die, and i'll look over and see a pile of dishes, a mountain of bottles, bags of garbage sitting there for me to do. really makes me wanna keep on living hey? i just feel so stressed out, because i want to solve everything. and if i cant solve it, then i wont try. I want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to be equal. I'm always the middleman. but theres no such thing as equality. so the middleman is always screwed. Rather than having no problems but my own, now i have everyone elses, and i'm trying to solve theirs before mine. I'm not a messenger anymore, i want to scream. I'm so negative now. both my brothers talk to each other through me. I'm just so tired of being messenger. figuring out what each other wants, doing all the accomodating for them and figuring out all the planning so the only thing they get is black or white. I clean up the grey. I wish with all my might that my family wasnt so fickle. that someone could just say yes. no. yes. no. no more *i dont care, it doesn't matter* because actually. it does matter. it matters a lot. if i learned how to say yes and no instead of maybe, then i wouldn't be living a maybe life. and i could decide. do it. dont do it.

not feeling great

hiiiiiii......
sitting at home, watching tv. being unproductive. I actually feel kinda sick today, my stomache feels funny. ugggggh, im just falling into a slump again. i need a job so bad. I feel so horrible that I've finshed 6 years of schooling and i can't even get a fuckin retail job. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i just want.....a clean slate....an empty mind....nothing to think about nothing to worry about. job, one year plan, michael, being single. i dont know how people do it. theres so much stuff for me to worry about, and at the same time, the stuff i'm worrying about is SO DUMB. like.....how many millions of people are umemployed, or unable to work, and i cant just suck it up? i hate feeling this useless, wakingg up and having nothing to do. i hate that michael is so....so.....carefree??? am i complaining that hes too carefree???? wtf. this guy has probably less money than in his account than me, and the second he gets a bit more than that he spends it all on something useless. I dont understand why he can't see that HES NOT RICH ANYMORE. i feel like he's still trying to impress everyone with money that he doesn't have. he always scolded me for being so senseless and childish, and here HE IS blowing his life away. i cant even comprehend why i still care so much. ugh my brother just came home and asked me *how can you stay at home and do nothing all day*..... HAH. if he only understood how i feel. how ever day i stay at home makes me feel more and more depressed. makes me feel more and more confused and makes me wonder why the hell was i born if i can't succeed......

sigh

it's so bittersweet to be writing here again. writing here helps me to get some weight of my chest, but writing here also means that i'm usually feeling really depressed. *sigh*
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........