"I don't mistrust reality, of which I know next to nothing. I mistrust the picture of reality conveyed to us by our senses, which is imperfect and circumscribed. Our eyes have evolved for survival purposes. The fact that they can also see the stars is pure accident."
~Gerhard Richter
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
I Fucked Up
Friday, August 28, 2015
Shit
The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.
Ugh.
So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.
Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.
If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.
Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I think I'm not supposed to ask UPS Man out.
I keep trying and trying and trying and I just feel like something is preventing me.
Ever since.... I don't even know when, the one day where I suddenly realized I liked him is the day it all started going downhill.
I've been trying for the last 2 months to ask him out. He had asked me out for coffee previously a couple times, and my coworkers always say he's flirting with me. In June, right after I got back from Vancouver is when shit started going down. That day after he gave me candy at the bus stop, I decided I was going to ask him to The Works Festival. And of course, the following 3 days he never came to drop off parcels. 2 weeks went by and other UPS guys started coming in. I'm under the assumption he went on vacation with his kids.
Strike 1.
He finally came back and I saw him once.
The next week I decided, I was going to ask him to go to K-Days. K-Days lasts for 10 days, he normally comes 3 times a week. I've got great chances right?
Wrong.
10 days went by and not only did I not see UPS Man, I never even saw the shadow of a van.
I felt super sad last Friday.
Strike 2.
K-Days is over and a couple of my friends are still telling me to go for it. Ask him to Heritage Days, they said.
Oh I will. Just you see.
So. He came on Monday.
The catch?
I didn't work on Monday. Because I covered for someone on Sunday.
Friday, July 24, 2015
It's Friday and guess what. No UPS man.
He normally comes like 3 times a week to deliver things. And of course the week I decide to ask him out again is the week he doesn't come at all.
It's not fun at all.
I feel like crying. Who thinks this is funny doesn't really how shitty this makes me feel. It took me a long long long time to get over Dave. A long time and I almost killed myself. Almost over dosed on sleeping pills. Then you sent Ponyboy to me to fuck things up even more. Sent me a fucking fuckboy to help me get better. Then you sent me Weird Awkward Guy. WAG who fucked with my head so hard I relapsed and had a break down at work.
This isn't fun.
I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want someone to spend time with. But not take over my life.
But I know the only person I should rely on to keep me happy is myself and when I'm dating I turn into an idiot
This makes me so very sad.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
What the Mint Chocolate Chip
Every time something comes up that I think about asking UPS man to, HE STOPS COMING IN.
I dunno what to do guys. It's getting stupid. I'm getting stupid.
Seriously what the fuck. It's just super annoying because it just feels like someone is messing with me. All the fucking time.
Is someone trying to tell me something? Is asking UPS man out going to ruin my life? Jesus Christ, if so just fucking say so and stop fucking with my head like this.
A million sign seem to be telling me don't do this, C. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
I just wanna go to K-days with a cute boy. What's wrong with letting me have that.
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Lack of Sympathy?
She said I don't understand and I think she doesn't see what I see.
It's deep.
I can't tell if I'm being naïve and thinking I'm innocent because I'm not involved in the Edmonton Fashion Industry the way she is. I like doing small markets and being friendly and only having to worry about one design at a time. I don't have to worry about collections or schedules or stepping on peoples toes.
Recently a friend of G's moved back to Edmonton from London. And since then shes 'opened her eyes' about how wrong Edmonton's take on Local Fashion is. Consignment only and high consignment rates. Designers are basically being gouged. And that I believe is true, and why I don't want to sell at stores anymore. But G and I are walking down 2 different paths. She's a name in the Edmonton Fashion Scene, she knows Important People, she's looking at fashion from an Industry perspective. I don't. So I think we don't see eye to eye on certain things in this aspect.
Since London moved back to Edmonton, I've been non-stop hearing G complain about how this is wrong and that is wrong and Designers are being screwed. Bev this and Bev that. This is how its done in London and so on and so on.
I want to say. We are not in Fucking London. And I don't know if that is the wrong take on this.
G has been going on and on and on about how things have to change in the Edmonton Fashion Scene... and yet.... She isn't willing to change....
So. Couple weeks ago G got approached by a clothing store in Edmonton to partake in a charity auction event. Designers are to proved the clothing store 2 dresses. 1 for a Local Celebrity to wear and be bid on. The highest bidder then wins the 2nd dress made to their size, as well as a pop up shop day at the clothing store. It's actually a ridiculous prize if you think about it. The designer really has nothing to gain and the clothing store gets positive press, and commission from the sales of the pop up shop, while the designer loses 2 garments, time and money. I thought that was BS. Yes. We agreed on that.
But somehow G got suckered into doing it. After much persuasion she finally said okay and decided to donate 2 dresses from several seasons ago. 2 dresses that have been sitting here not moving. And now I've been hearing her huff and puff about it. London was also asked to partake in this event and sent an email to the clothing store organizers asked 'Just exactly what do the designers get from this event? We lose money on giving away not one but two free garments, so how is this beneficial to us?" The answer was, you get lots of press, and important people will be seen wearing your designs.
G was talking to London on speaker phone on Monday and they both laughed. 'Wooooo, who's going to be there? The Metro Paper?!! lololol" And... I just.... what do you expect. I didn't understand why they thought press was nothing. I mean, it certainly isn't a gold medal prize but that paper gets around just as much as the EJ. And then the next shock came to me. The clothing store contacted G and told her that the mayor's wife called in and requested to wear G's design. Whoa. That's pretty big and cool and Awesome. But then, while G and London were talking, G kept saying how she didn't think London should do the event and back out, and she wished more people would back out. London said G should back out too, but G's answer was 'If it was anyone else but the mayor's wife, I would back out in a heart beat'.
I was really surprised.
She was copping out.
Telling people not to do the event, not to do the event, not to do the event. But oh no wait, I'm going to do the event.
She is hands down currently London's biggest supporter, but from someone else's perspective it would seem quite the opposite. I don't think she has once, during this entire event let the clothing store know of her displeasure, or sent an email back agreeing with what London had to say. She kept her mouth quite and out of the battle.
Her argument to me was You Don't Understand.
If I back out I'm going to slap all these people in the faces. This clothing store has been there for me and helped me out. They are important people. Me backing out would be the equivalent of saying FUCK YOU to them. I would never be able to show my face in the Edmonton's Fashion Scene again.
You Don't Understand
I thought about this all night yesterday. And I can't tell what is the right thing to do.
G is always talking about a movement to change the fashion industry here in Edmonton. But the way I see it, she has never been willing to make a move herself. Never voicing her opinion aloud or to anyone else but me and London.
It takes one person to start a movement.You shouldn't complain if you aren't willing to do something yourself.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Bummer Man
I know because I felt a little sad when he didn't show up today.
I've been thinking a bit since that day my co-workers creeped him on FB and I'm not sure why but suddenly I started getting nervous when I had to talk to him. Last week when I came back from Vancouver I gave him a small package of the Strawberry Crunch and Aero chocolate bars. On Monday he asked me where I got them from and laughed and told him Vancouver.
Didn't think anything of it.
On Tuesday I left work early for a doctor's appointment. While waiting at the bus stop, UPS Guy pulls up and stops to chat, then gives me candy! Reciprocation. So of course, I got really excited and got the stupid brain thinking. If I see him this week I'll ask him if he wants to hang out. If not, its a sign and not meant to be.
I'm gonna ask him out.
YEAH.
I'M GONNA ASK UPS MAN OUT !!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE UPS MAN I'M GONNA ASK THAT GUY OUT.
YEAH !!!!!!
So, not only did I not see him the rest of the week, someone other UPS guy came in today.
It was like a mean, mean joke.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Your Hair Looks Nice
I think I have a crush on him now.....
We'll. It's been a crush in building. He reminds me of Kevin Spacey who I have a mad crush on after watching American Beauty and The Usual Suspects.
Anyhow, he always chats with me when he comes in.
And did I mention he's cute?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
A Perfect Date
It's been a while since I last posted, and I only post things when my heart hurts, or something unusual happens that makes me feel special.
So I went to Vancouver last week for a small vacation and to visit Iris and maybe catch up with a few other friends. I didn't have any plans set in stone except to do a little shopping. Very little because I only brought a small carry-on. I came back yesterday and I'll have to say it was a really nice vacation. I didn't have an itinerary or anything so I never felt rushed, and didn't have to wake up to an alarm clock. It was nice.
And something I wasn't expecting to happen, happened.
I may have developed a small crush on the old Office Weirdo. He moved back to Vancouver the week I went to Japan and we still keep in touch. He's super weird but also just like me. And we get along really well. Anyhow, I let him know I was coming to town so we met up on Tuesday Night. He came and picked me up at the Waterfront Station and gave me a big hug, opened the car door for me and then took me to his favorite pizza place for a quick bite. Then he drove to North Vancouver and took us to a hidden little spot right underneath the Lions Gate Bridge by the waterside, pulled out blankets, built a small fire and then roasted s'mores. It was a super amazing view and really, really sweet. The funnier thing is he bought a Kinder Surprise and inside was little toy ring.
Straight out of a Romance Novel, right?
Thursday, March 05, 2015
If they don't treat you fairly or make you feel bad about yourself. Leave.
Don't expect anything. Don't apologize if you shouldn't. Don't cry.
You won't hurt if it was the right thing to do.
Saturday, February 07, 2015
I forgot
Monday, February 02, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
But I miss Andrew.
Well, I miss the little attention he gave me anyways.
Do I regret saying goodbye. .......
No.
No I dont. He was mean and inconsiderate. I really hope that wasn't his intention and he really was Weird Awkward Guy but he hurt me a lot.
When I think back to everything that happened and didn't happen, this was exactly what would have happened eventually. The ball was always, always, always in your court. You just never played. You would send me risky photos and only reply back when it was convenient for you or if we talked about sex. Never a serious conversation. You always said you were shy and never talked about yourself and of course I couldn't believe you. You were such a contradiction. You always left me hanging and waiting and never saw the necessity to reply back to me and acted like nothing happened after you blew me off. After dinner the one time we met you just walked awy from me in the parking lot without even saying good bye and that stunned me. Maybe you really are completely oblivious, but even if so, you aren't what I needed. Even if I pretended you were.
Maya said you were a nice guy. I just wish you could have extended the same courtesy towards me as you did her.
Even though it hurts so much, I'm glad I found the strength to let you go.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
January 26th
It's both Andrew and Dave's birthday today.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Comfort Zone
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Now it's called Concealed Depression, eh?
"Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it's difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so."
Did you hear that you numbskull.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
One Trip a Year
Monday, January 12, 2015
Doing Okay
Wednesday, January 07, 2015
The Irony
How funny, the people who barely know you can tell more about you than your actually friends.
And then somehow..... you're in another place
Andrew has been the most confusing boy I have ever met. Gabby and Brendan and Ryan and all my other friends are right, when I think about it. He caused me so much pain and we weren't even dating. How worse would it be if we were. I know a lot of the downfall had to do with myself. My expectations and my lack of self confidence probably helped put the distance between us. It's not all my fault I know, but it's not all his fault either. He was really really bad at communicating and paying attention to things I told him. I told him a lot of problems that I had or things that bothered me and he didn't do a single thing about them.
I like getting good morning messages from you, Andrew.
And then you stopped saying good morning to me. I just don't understand.
I tried to stop talking to you right before the Christmas Break. I felt devastated that first day you ignored me. I told you the things that you were doing that made me hurt and you ignored me. I had a break down. I thought I got better as more time passed. Everyone told me to forget about you and that you were immature. Move on. So I tried and deleted your number and all your messages.
And then you messaged me several days later. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
I ignored it.
And then you messaged me again the next day. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
And I ignored it.
You kept liking photos of mine on Facebook and in one weak moment I messaged you back. We talked for a couple days, but every time I just felt sad. I complained a lot to you, I know. But you weren't helping either. It felt like you weren't even trying to have a conversation with me. And you would reply back when it was convenient for you. And so of course I messed up again. On New Years Eve I got sent home work early because I was sick. I had spent almost 3 days just lying in bed sleeping. But you were still messaging me. You asked me what I was doing tonight and if I had plans. Silly me thought you wanted to do something with me. So I told you I wanted to go see the fireworks. I thought you would come with me. But you didn't. You didn't even reply. So I got mad. I got mad and told you that you were boring, that you never asked me to do anything except ask how I was doing. And of course you ignored me. I'm surprised because I actually wasn't even that upset. I just went and saw the fireworks by myself.
And I tried to stop talking to you again. I deleted your number and your messages again. I blocked you on Snapchat and I blocked you on Facebook and I blocked you on Instagram. I knew that if I didn't, I would find some stupid reason to message you again, or post photos that I was hoping you would see. I wanted you to go away.
But at the same time I was hoping you would message me again.
And you did. 6 days later you messaged me and said you knew I wasn't doing very well. You already had plans for NYE. And you hoped I was doing better in 2015.
During those 6 days when I didn't talk to you I hoped and hoped and hoped you would message me.
Just so I could ask you to leave me alone. Because I think that is the only way I can be normal around you. If you aren't here.
I thought all day of what I wanted to say to you and I replied right after 5pm.
I know and I'm sorry.
Every single time I talk to you I feel happy for about 2 hours and then I feel stupid and regretful and the years and years of depression suffocating me.
I sent it right after work so I wouldn't get distracted and I thought I could have an actual non-interrupted conversation with you. I thought we could go for delicious Seafood Udon Soup and Kyoto and I could pay for your meal and we would be even, and I would say good bye.
But of course that didn't happen.
He didn't reply.
So I just said Goodbye.
I can't play with you anymore, Andrew. I'm really sorry. If you have even the tiniest bit of respect for me, I beg you to please stop talking to me and please leave me alone. Every time I see a message from you now, I don't know what to say or do to start feeling better. I had to block you on all my social media sites. I'm sorry but its the only thing I knew how to do to prevent myself from contacting you again.
All I've ever wanted my entire life was to feel like I mattered to someone. But when I try to have conversations with you I feel so disposable. I haven't felt the depression this bad in in almost 2 years and it all started coming back after I met you. You were such a wonderful person when we first met and I don't understand what happened. Probably me. I told you to backhand me if I ever started whining too much, remember.
I wish you the best of luck in 2015 and I hope you have a wonderful birthday surrounded by people you love and can be yourself around. I'm sorry I can't return your dinner to you
"There is no cure for the common cold and there is no cure for the affection affliction" - Except Time.
Goodbye Andrew.
That's the jist of the message I sent. Maybe it was a bit more poetic. I can't remember the zopiclone had kicked in by then. I'll probably read it one more time when I get home and I'll delete it. And I hope that's all I need.
I feel really good right now. Good meaning I don't feel anything. Quite numb. Like my brain is cloudy and not capable of thinking.
It feels wonderful and I hope it doesn't stop anytime soon.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
One Year Ago Today
I know because I wrote a post on December 16th, 2013 saying so.
Ironic.
One year ago today a boy was the reason I was finally able to crawl out of my slump, and today because of a boy I fell back in again.
You're such a silly girl. Look at all those posts you wrote about Andrew. You knew he wasn't making you happy so why did you stick around. You silly, stupid girl.
My heart hurt so much today. I just thought that maybe you would understand me. I knew you had problems and I thought maybe you were like me and that you would understand. That you understood how being alone felt and how it hurt. But you didn't. You might actually be worse than Dave, in terms of making me feel alone. This was one of the last things I said to him while we were still dating.
I never expect to be first in your life. Or even second. But I can't be last on the list because it would make me feel so worthless.
Am I that hard to deal with? I must be if 2 people since Dave haven't been able to stick around me longer than a few months. I never realized how bad it was. It makes me really sad. I thought I was doing really good with Andrew. I thought the reason I met him was to make me learn that it was okay to not expect a reply right away. I was doing okay. I thought so anyways. But. I should have known. You didn't really care at all, even after I told you.
I read somewhere before that, if you start a new relationship, don't ever compare it to a previous one. That's where it goes wrong. Treat it like a brand new story. And I guess I didn't do that. That's my fault, and I guess I'll say sorry for that.
I feel sad again today. I couldn't stop crying at work and almost got sent home. I've never cried in front of someone before, so I suppose that means it hurt a lot this time.
Just breathe. You'll be okay in a couple months.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
You big dummy
I dunno what to do. I haven't talked to Andrew since Sunday night. He's messaged me once every day, with just a random message. I don't know what to do. As usual, I wanna talk to him, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I shouldn't. My gut feeling has almost never been wrong..... right? I dunno. I wanna message him back but that's just gonna say I don't care what you did and its okay, right? I'm sure if I told anyone the entire story they would roll their eyes and say I'm over reacting..... but we've only met once and he's brushed me off a handful of times already. What does that say about him? Nothing good can come from this right? So I'm really setting myself up for more disappointment and slaps in the face because its already happened so often.....But also, I don't want to be the meanie that just stops talking to you. I know how that feels cause its been done to me before too. So, what should I do then?
*sigh*
I told myself I never want to fall for someone again and be put into the position where I felt like I couldn't survive without them. I never want someone to be the source of my happiness again.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
If it doesn't bring you happiness....
I decided I wouldn't hang around people that made me sad, anymore. That means you, Andrew. Half of the time I'm happy when you talk to me and half of the time you make me feel sad. That's too much time to be feeling sad.
I just don't understand how you think, and how you think its okay to do the things you do and say, and think its okay to brush me off like that. Four times, Andrew. Four Times. My friends told me to stop talking to you after the second time. Like an idiot I didn't. The thing that makes me the saddest is you don't even realize how mean brushing me off is. You go on like nothing happened. I even asked you last week. Don't tell me you want to do something and make me wait for you and then cancel last minute. It's rude an inconsiderate and it means you have no respect for me and my time. And what did you do on Sunday? You did exactly the same thing. I didn't think I was going to be so mad, but the more I thought about it the more disappointed I got and sad for liking you. I didn't talk to you all day yesterday and I'm pretty sure you didn't care and didn't think I was upset with you. When Dave liked me he at least seemed to make every attempt possible to see me, in the beginning and didn't play with me like a toy.
You, on the other hand, are a big liar and a jerk, and I hope I find the strength to tell you to go away.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Welcome Back
Friday, October 03, 2014
And the Spark Fizzles
I hate men. This blog is all about how much they irk me, I swear.
The irony is ridiculous. I'm trying super hard to be patient with Andrew, but this guy is moving way slow. I know I said I wanted to find someone to just hang out with and not be serious but I think this is pushing it. To the point where I don't think he is actually even interested. It actually brings me more pain than happiness to message him because of how long it takes him to reply. I thought I was interesting enough to at least warrant a reply. And from what I've learned from the last 2 years.
If it doesn't bring you happiness. Let it go.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
It's a Bizarre Feeling
Work was up the wall today and I didn't feel angry.
Andrew didn't message me at all today after I got mad at him and I didn't feel sad.
So, so much sewing to do before Saturday and I don't feel stressed.
Maybe I've used up all my emotions. Is this possible?
Is it unreasonable to like a text reply back within 3 hours? Am I being crazy possessive bitch? I dunno. I don't think its too much to ask. It's not even hard.
brb
Look. That took like 3 seconds to type. I dunno. I'm going mental I think. I keep telling myself this and yet I don't listen. Your'e just not meant to be in a relationship. You overthink and worry and become the worst person. Or maybe you're doing the right thing and just listening to your gut? These small things you're trying so hard not to care about actually really do bother you. So weed them out. It's not fair, and its not nice, and its inconsiderate to me. I don't think its hard at all to write a simple 'Yes or No or Maybe' back to someone in a timely manner is it? I think Andrew has some deep dark secrets as well, but he doesn't like talking. I try, but its just not going anywhere. We're both broken.
Or maybe just I'm broken.
I remember saying to Dave. I don't ever expect to be #1 in your life, but I would like to be somewhere on that list. And he couldn't accommodate that.
So... yeah. That's my reasoning for over-reacting when people don't respond to my texts.
I'm not worth their time.
It hurts you know.
Just having some brain thoughts with myself today.
I told Andrew last week when I had that mini shit storm that the thought of dating scared me. I thought I was just over exaggerating, but maybe I'm not. I don't like the me that I turn into when I'm dating. Because when I'm dating it means someone cares about me. It means someone is willing to listen to me. And I have a lot to say when someone says they'll listen. What do you expect, I bottle it up so well.
Sigh. I dunno. I hope life ends soon. I'm tired.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
It's 1:30am
Not a good sign.
2 feet on the ground, C. 2 feet on the ground at all times.
Perhaps I was a bit preemptive in my last post. Yeah. My 3 crushes messaged me almost simultaneously out of no-where. But maybe it's my wishful thinking that it meant something. Ha-ha. I don't think I ever should be in a relationship again. Probably not going to happen but if I wanted to continue being a strong person and to keep growing. I shouldn't. Just the thought of some guy being interested in me turns me into a complete dunce. Heck, even writing in here again. I've been doing really really well, productive, getting so much done, growing, goals achieved this entire year, all because I decided I wanted to be alone. And them a silly boy maybe enters into my life and throws all my productivity out the window. Causes my brain to go into overdrive and over thinking. I want someone to spend time with and someone I can talk to, but I don't think I can. Does that make sense? I want to date slowly and not jump in and fall. But I don't know how to do that. My heart doesn't know how to do that. It just runs whenever someone interesting steps into your life.
So, in April I went to an old co-workers birthday party and met some of her friends. One of those was kind of a cute guy. We added each other on FB and never really talked. He just liked a lot of my photos. He's pretty different from me, probably what interested me about him. Anyways, we didn't really talk but someone I got his number last week and we've been texting back and fourth for a bit. I figured he might be interested.
That same week. I was sitting in the staff room at work having late lunch by myself. My coworker, who I don't know how but I recently started to find attractive walked past the staff room. Then he ran back in a gave me a HUGE teddy bear hug and said 'You looked so Lonely!" then ran off. And then every so often he would refer to me as 'doll' or 'my love'. In a joking context of course. But it suddenly started happening.
And finally. On Friday while heading out of town to go camping, none other than the notorious PonyboyC messages me and asks how I'm doing...... Uh, wtf, right? I thought he wanted a costume made for the Expo but when I mentioned it nothing was brought up. Maybe he was looking for a hook-up. I dunno what would have happened if he was....
My co-workers friend is the one I'm most interested in right now, probably because he's 'new and exciting', but this week I've been feeling kinda down. Maybe from the poor camping diet, or bad sleeping habit this week. We were texting a lot last week and then the last 2 days it kinda died down. And of course that gets over active brain thinking and wondering. Is it me? Did I bore him? Did I say something that he didn't like? And then I think to myself. Eff. What the heck is wrong with you. You don't even know this guy and you're getting all riled up again. Did you decide you didn't want this shit anymore and after you broke up with Dave you said you didn't want to date again until you were strong enough? Isn't today clear indication that you aren't? Getting worked up over a stranger who didn't text you back. You recognized that feeling today at work. The feeling of disappointment from checking your phone and seeing he didn't respond back. And then again at home today. What does that tell you C. That you still haven't grown up enough yet.
Never. Don't Ever Fall for Anyone Again.
Monday, August 25, 2014
What Just Happened....
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Epiphany Day
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Emotions
The Promise of Death.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
The key to happiness?
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Don't. Just Don't.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
What is Going On?!
What is going on indeed? Maybe it was just the bowl of kimchi noodles I had last night. Or that I watched 8 episodes of Dexter in a row. Something is throwing my brain in a whirl and I dreamt Supercrush and kissed again. Very Odd. But not really cuz its been on my mind lately.
I'm totally a high school girl again !!
But it wasn't one of those lusty dreams it was almost like it could happen in real life..... Slow and Subtle.....
I need to stop.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Confusing Heart.
So I went out with SuperCrush and a couple of his friends (aka Dave's few friends who don't care I'm an ex and think I'm cool to hang out with) last night and had a super good time :) Like, actually I woke up in a crazy good mood - good time. Pubbing. Clubbing. And Grubbing. I haven't been that happy in a long, long time. And I can't emphasize enough how nice it was to see those guys again and not feel weird. Tony said they needed to clone me !! (best compliment ever) I laughed so much last night and it just felt really nice. It probably also had to do with the fact that I was pretty tipsy.
So anyhow, SuperCrush came to pick me up in the evening since none of his other friends were ready yet and we just kinda pub-hopped and talked about stuff. It was a bit unusual because we usually talk about superficial stuff but he asked me what I was gonna do for the next few years and just giving me advice because I told him of some sketchy plans that I was thinking about. Going back to school mostly, maybe moving.... I asked him a bit about learning how to drive standard, he showed me a bit of stuff and then gave me more advice. I always feel like he is a super smart guy. Anyways it was different but nice. I bought him a drink cuz he always buys me drinks. (He buys everyone drinks, alright!) We went to another pub (Woodworks) and he had a glass of port and let me try some and it was actually pretty good ! I thought I was gonna hate it but it was really warm going down. 'Good drinks never burn. If it burns its bad quality'. Something he told me before when drinking. But yes, it was really nice. Hahah, I felt classy !!! Anyhow, after that we met up with his other 2 friends and went to the Common for more drinks and then Chinese food at All Happy ! I love All Happy. All my favorite nights always end there. After that, everyone called it a night and he drove me home. So, the odd part is (now maybe/probably he was just texting or something) but I think he waited for me to get into the condo before speeding away.....something which, I'm pretty sure has never happened before.
But.... he's actually dating someone right now and I told him I'm not actively looking right now, and actually kinda happy being single. But.... at the same time I have said to him before that he should stop dating girls that he wants to change and just date someone who is already their own strong person. And oddly sometimes I think to myself .....like me....
Oh shit. Do I still have a crush on SuperCrush?
Craaaaaap. He's just such a bad boyfriend, but he's always super nice to me. I mean, he's super nice to everyone I guess..... but... I don't think I've ever put him in the 'friend-zone' but at the same time he's left the dating-zone. He's always just been in his own weird/wonderful limbo-zone..... There is bizarre history between us from me dating his so-called best friend and their split up, then our split up and then the outcome of that jacked friend/relationship, coming full circle. And I just don't know where to put him ! I've also silently told myself I wouldn't date any of Dave's friends like all of them seem to incestuously do because then I would be just like them..... I dunno why the sudden confusion ! He's said to me before that he wouldn't forgive himself if I ever got hurt trying to help him and that's stuck in my head for a little bit. I don't think anyone has ever said something like that to me... So yeah. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. It must be.
But of course. I dreamt we kissed this morning. :S
Ermergerd.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Baby the Stars Shine Bright Tonight
But rather, the brightest stars are the ones inside us.
You and I.
For those stars are the ones that we look for when we are lost.
Those stars guide us through the darkness.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thanks! .... I think....
Friday, March 21, 2014
Dexter's Sister.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
An imperfect smile
At work today an elderly lady was on her way out the door when she stopped, turned around, and came up to my desk.
"They should clone you," she said.
"You have such a sweet, smile it made me a bit happier every time I had to come here.
Then she laughed and said goodbye.
I work at a funeral home.
My eyes started watering after she left because actually whenever I look in the mirror all I ever see is a crooked smile.
I hope one day I can see the Universe the way she does.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thanks Songza.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Empathy
I've often been told that I lack empathy, but at the same time, sometimes all I feel is empathy. Some of things don't apply to me at all (having vivid dreams, enjoy music, faced paranormal experiences), but some of them are dead on. When I see or hear animals suffering it just kills me. Like the time I was in China and we went to the zoo and I saw those baby bears being mistreated, I couldn't hold back the feeling it was so overwhelming that I started crying super hard. Or I remember having a conversation with G where I told her when people tell me stories of themselves, I put myself in their shoes and imagine what they would feel like. Sometimes that get's really over-bearing and I become quite emotional over things that shouldn't affect me.
After reading this I actually feel kind of bad because I was thinking this wasn't normal and trying to repress these.... but.... maybe its not so bad after all?
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Traits of an Empath
Original article found here:http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
Monday, March 03, 2014
Hyperbole and a Half
My colleague told me about This Blog the other day and I finally had time today to check it out.
I had only read the most recent entry and thought it was entertaining. Definitely worth a read if I had time to kill. On Friday, though, I read This Entry that the author had wrote about depression and I just couldn't believe how much I identified with it. Its not really really funny but I swear this is almost exactly what I feel like happened for the last year and a half. (Minus the piece of Corn) Seriously, it was weird reading someone else's blog because for a few moments I could have almost sworn I had written it. Just the way how everything panned out, the emotions she was going through, the feelings and everything she felt was exactly how I felt. So. Bizarre. Up until then I always thought Depression was different for everyone. And I suppose not everyone's happens this way, but it was almost to a T. The corn part I laughed at really hard though, because if anyone reads my previous entries, I think my turning point was PBC's slap in the face right after we made out. I took one last horrible soul wrenching cry.... and the next day I was okay. Like I had actually cried the last of my heartbreak out. It felt like such a relief. And a few days later it was even funny.
I'll have to admit though. My story wasn't told as good. Ha....
I think I'm going to send this to Gen too.
Finding Where You Belong
I thought it was kinda neat and forgot all about it. That was a bout...5 years ago. For some random reason that image popped into my head and I just wanted to see how he was doing. So with my super stalking powers I did a quick Google Search on him and found that he opened up a Poi performing company ! Ha-ha, I dunno why, but seeing that he was okay and happy and just found a way to express himself made me happy too. I also found this video of him performing in Edmonton and was kinda mesmerized. Super neat, hey ? (the poi part anyways). I just find it a lot more interesting this time. The light play anyways, and the science behind the movements and visual effects and, and, I dunno, the infinity that it makes... Does that make sense even?! Ha-ha. Anyways, I just wanted to share this. I wanted to put in on FB for you know who, but I think I'll put it here instead. Hope someone finds it as neat as I do !
Growing Up.
And then I found this quote.
And I thought. I wouldn't impress anyone. The photos I've been posting are so empty and materialistic
And why should I worry who I am impressing. As long as I know, right? So..... I should take a FB hiatus. Haha. Again (eyeball roll). I probably won't deactivate, but I'll just keep my posts and photos on the DL. Yesterday and Today was like withdrawl. It's kinda funny actually..... and maybe sad. Everything I did or talked about today, my brain was thinking 'how can I make this a FB story. how can I visualize this on Instagram.' I had so many photos on my phone with captions in my brain. Which one will make PBC notice me?!!! Oh my gosh, I sound so pathetic ! Ha-ha. But yeah, just a little cap on this over-activity. Gonna go back to the studio this week and not be lazy, maybe try to lose a bit more weight (2nd goal this year to get under 120lbs !) and just get back to being normal. I mean, I'm feeling pretty normal now, but back to my quiet, less annoying-normal
I think I'm gonna start putting posts and photos on here instead. You guys won't judge me right :)
Maybe I'll meet someone. I hope he's tall.