Just wanted to check in. I'm doing a lot better today. Forgot to take the zopiclone until it was too late, so now I'm just up and aware and re-reading my last message to Andrew. (Omg stop, I know)
It doesn't feel so bad today, I read it and it doesn't make me as sad anymore. Time heals all, I guess.
Of course I'm still wondering how he's doing and how he reacted. Worst case scenario he thought I was being a mega bitch and deleted everything I've ever sent as well. Best case scenario is he re-reads it every night like I did and thinks of everything that happened....
I'm a Puta, I know.
I'm my biggest enemy. I'm always trying to prove myself to myself but of course I'm never good enough. When I think back I was always trying to prove myself to him. To show him that I was smart and eloquent and knowledgable. The last few times I re-read that message I felt really selfish and naive. Ill never make it past this stage if I don't stop beating myself up every time someone likes me or gives me a compliment. I'm sure Andrew and I would never have happened as we were so different but.... Ah I dunno. Don't think so much, C.
Anyways, I think I wrote a really good comment/response on FB regarding an EJ article. It sounds really professional and I think Andrew would have enjoyed reading it..... :(
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