David Villote is a huge asshole

Nope.
Thats not even close.
David Villote is the biggest fucking cocksucker I have ever known. This guy is the biggest selfish cunt face and he doesn't even realize it. The worst kind.

I can't even type right now, I'm so fucking pissed. So many things I want to say about this asshole that I don't even know where to begin. I hope you get herpes you mother fucking shit head. I hope you get herpes and your house gets repossessed. Which isn't even that big of a wish because you're heading straight for that road anyways. You bastard. You cause so much trouble for people and you don't even realize what you are doing. All you think about is yourself and what makes you happy. I KNEW IT and I still fucking dated you. I regret every single minute I spent with you beleiving your lies and telling myself I was happy. I hate that I once cared for a person like you. Someone that was able to move on SO EASILY and not even feel bad about the SHIT YOU CAUSED.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

No More

No More.

It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.

Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.

I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.

Thus it inevitable that we broke up.

Why is this one so hard

So very very hard.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.



This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.

My favorite movies

So I'm supposed to be making lists of things that make me happy and I thought I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies that always make me happy after watching them :)

Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie


....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.

Half a Year

Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.

Half a year.

Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.

But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.

A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.

Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away. 

Do you remember when you told me you dreamed that you and I ballroom danced under the chandelier at Corona Station?

I do.

A different kind of sadness

Does anyone else ever feel really really sad after they finish reading a really good book?
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?

When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They  met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)

So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and  maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !

Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.

Angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QavgbeEAZmQ

While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....

Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.

I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.

I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....

I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.

Sigh.

Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Someone else's answer

This is such a great question, closure... we all want it so bad, yet when heartbroken I have no idea if there is a real closure... When my ex left me, I was devastated, I tried to have hope, I tried to hate, I tried to forget, none of them seemed to work. I wanted closure, she would never give it to me, I wasnt pushy either, from the day she suddenly broke up with me I didn't contact her for over 30 days, when I tried she wasnt very responsive, then when I moved back into town, our meet up where I was hoping to just have a friendly conversation, she brings her sister and makes it like they are in a hurry.

Now she left me for another guy, straight up, they were together right after we broke up and are still.. Could have started together while we were still together, I have no idea, day by day for so long I hurt and wanted to know why, but no good could have ever really come from it, because it is never what I would have wanted to hear, but then one day, things just finally changed, the hurt became so much less, and then when they announced theyre relationship publicly via facebook and many people called me up about it, I wasn't mad, hurt, sad, hateful, or spiteful; I really was not even bothered by it, I suprised myself with the way I felt inside... I feel time brings us closure, becoming the person we once were, I know I have become so much more outgoing again and seeing the joys in life and really looking to enjoy everyday more than I ever have, that is my closure, my happiness is back... and one day I know I will find somoene who will make me happier, not make me look for any closures.

Closure comes from within. This I have now learned, it took me awhile, but now I am seeing it.

Untitled

Never once did I ever mention marriage. Not Once.
The thought of it terrifies me.
People always change. You are proof of that.

Everything I Ever Wanted .....

You never did for me.

Dave sent me Happy New Years on the 1st. It was the first message I saw when I finally opened my eyes. Of course I cried ! It motivated me to get out of bed and meet my family for dimsum, who I told I wasn't coming. I talked to him on and off for the rest of the day. And right as I went to bed. I told him I needed him to leave me alone. And then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he hadn't replied back. And he didn't the next day or the day after.
But then. A week later he sent me a message. He invited me to his birthday party. It made me mad that even now he still doesn't listen to the things I ask of him. That he was very selfish always thinking about what would make him feel better, and not how I would feel too.  Doesn't he realize how much more he makes my heart hurt? So, so painful. Maybe I shouldn'tve told him his messages made me happy. They did, but only for a split second. And then it was like August all over again. Random people tell me he does it because he misses me. But I think he does it because he feels guilty. Regardless of the answer my heart hurts. Day 21 today. The longest I made it without messaging Dave was 26 days. I need to make it past that. I hadn't cried for a really really long time, but I started again yesterday in the movie theatre. I really need to stop going to those. No matter what type of movie, I haven't made it out of there without crying. Even if its a comedy. Too much sitting around and time to let my mind wander. Today after I got home I started sobbing again too. I wish I didn't, and I don't know why I started again either. If only I was stronger. I just wish I had someone to talk too. Someone to just keep my mind busy so that I didn't think so much. Then maybe everything wouldn't remind me of him. And everything wouldn't be so painful...

Anyways. I waited till midnight. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a horrible day filled with sorrow and regret. You probably won't, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Time heals all...

The feeling of having the one person in your whole entire world who you trusted the most, give up on you and walk away.


I think it takes a lot of time to heal that kind of pain

Myself again....

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore"

This blog-diary is turning into one of those ones where I post a quote of the day. Cept its not inpirational. Ha-ha.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to reply back to Dave. And that quote above is one of them. I can't treat you like just a friend after all I've been and done with you. It was very silly of you to ask me to try. And so soon after crushing my heart too.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better. Almost a week ago I told Dave I wished I never met him.That my heart missed him so much, and I wished it didn't. Ironically, I woke up the next day and my heart didn't hurt anymore :) And I felt better. I know it was a very mean thing for me to say, but I don't regret saying it. And the best thing for you to have done is give me space. (Which, btw, is what you should've done in the first place). I just hope it lasts. 5 days later and I'm still feeling relieved, but I'm getting an urge to send him a text again :( I just want to know what he thinks. I wonder if he feels bad, and knows how much I hurt. Or if he feels relieved that I'm out of his life. Anyways. This shouldn't matter, because Dave isn't a part of my life anymore. A part of me still wants him to be, but that part isn't so big anymore. Instead of missing him, I'm able to focus on all the things he never did for me, and all the things he was never there for. I'm happy glad that I've started to take off those stupid rose colored glasses again. But its always sad thinking that I've wasted my time. I know, I need to think of it as a lesson learned. But apart of that spiteful me says 'But David never learned anything'. And that is a big reason why I'm so down around him too I think. I want him to feel bad, and I don't want to let him off the hook so easily...... I'm such a jerk ! Hahaha, but maybe thats what you get for breaking the kindest girl you will ever meet's heart. Anyways, it's a big unknown what will happen next. And I need to remember I'm not a fortune teller or mind reader. Maybe I'll never talk to Dave again, and that could be a good thing. But, I do hope something works out... that I can find it in my heart to forgive him, and he will message me and I can tell him I'm okay now.
Yes. I think that would be nice.

Basic Solutions

If only I could follow them....

Sometimes on a slow day at work (like today) I will google things like this. Ironically, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one suffering with a broken heart and sometimes. Just sometimes. There is a piece of advice that stands out to me. Kinda like this bit.

just remember that in order for someone to be right for you, feelings have to be mutual . if he doesn't feel a connection, then maybe you need to analyze whether your feelings are real. when you can't have someone, you want them so much more.

I kept saying Dave gave up too easily, and never tried hard enough, and he just needed to sit back and think about things and times that we were happy. And that is my wishful thinking. Me wanting to push my feelings into him..... Its very hard for me to understand how someone can fall out of love. (Especially with me!) I put a lot of effort into this relationship, and I suppose I'm bitter because I didn't get anything in return. I do just wish he had been more honest with me. Even the last part of the quote is quite funny to me. That is what I originally planned to do to Dave. I would make him miss me. I guess you all know from the last gajillion posts how that turned out. Anyways. I keep on, keep on, keep on writing in here to get these feelings out. I thought Dave was right for me, and its very, very, very hard for me to understand that Dave didn't feel I was right for him. I've never had that feeling before.... or maybe I did but just ignored it. When we were still dating, sometimes I would think, Dave doesn't really understand me. But then I would say, Thats just me being picky ! Warning signs, that I ignored. *sigh* There were even warning signs I said to myself before I started dated Dave. If only I had listened. They were all right. Dave never took me seriously before we dated, and he never took me seriously while we dated. He only started to listen (a bit) after we broke up. But that is too painful for me. To have him casually drop in and drop out of my life. It's too unexpected and painful. It triggers those happy highs when I see him, and then several hours later it brings those gut-wrenching lows.

I know. I know. I know. I need to stop seeing him and talking to him. Maybe I'm just building up courage ! My god. It hasn't even been 5 months.... It feels like its been an eternity....... But, it would be lying if I said I haven't gotten anywhere. I haven't seen a picture of him in so long I've forgotten what he looks like. I've managed to go out a few times (albeit it wasn't a happy drunken, few times). And I've summed up the courage to tell him I missed him (and have yet to regret it). It feels okay to get it off my chest, and maybe him not replying is the best thing that could happen :) Him not relplying tells me he can't return my feelings. So theres nothing up in the air anymore, and I should definately stop wondering if he misses me. And that also means no more imaginary conversations with you either.

Maybe  my heart really can say goodbye this time.....

Maybe this will be goodbye...

"The thing that made me the happiest today is seeing a message from you. My heart misses you very very much and every night before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning I wish very very hard that it didn't and sometimes that I never met you"

What I sent to Dave when he wished me a Merry Christmas. He never replied back, which I wasn't really expecting him to, but was of course secretly hoping he would. Of course I was hoping for a fairy tale ending where he would say he missed me too. But, my brain knew, if I thought with a level head, that he was only being nice to me because he saw me as a regular friend. I miss him a lot, and I'll probably cry the next few nights/weeks, but its over and done with. I told him I missed him, and theres nothing else really left to do (especially considering I said I wouldn't do anymore chasing) It appears that nothing will ever get better and you will always be your cowardly, selfish self. I know what I said wasn't exactly the nicest thing, and what would he even say to me after that. But......I just wanted to let him know. That I missed him.

I wish I could be stronger and just forgive and forget all the heartbreak. But I don't think I can. Maybe I'm selfish too. I just want you to suffer and feel bad for what you put me through, and I want you to feel bad for what you did. It wasn't very nice, and I've said over and over again, that it was outright selfish of you to put me through what you did the last 2 months. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you, and if I can't forgive you, then its probably not a good idea for us to be friends anymore. We never started out with being just friends, so it was very silly and selfish of you to ask me to go back to being something we never knew how to be in the first place.

I wish this was goodbye, but I have a feeling I will probably have a weak spell and message you again.

Should I just be Frank?

Or Henry, or George, or Johnny....

My most recent attempt at humor......*weak smile*
The drama of a girl with a indecisive heart. First I don't like him, then I like him, then I'm not sure, then I like him a lot, then I hate him, then I miss him, then I hate him, then I miss him so much I think I might love him. I'm sure the last one is just me being dramatic. If I wanted to I could go and Google How do you know if you love someone, and see if that fits. But, at this point in time, I think that is the very last thing I should be doing. I'm sure its just my heart playing tricks on me, and my attachement to Dave that's making me feel this way. I did think at one point in time that we could get married. So, I guess it would be only natural to feel more attached to him than anyone else I've ever dated. I thought life with him was interesting and I felt cared for. When I look at the good side anyways. I always forget to look at the things I ignored because I was so blinded by happiness. I feel like I could be that person who refuses to give up, and keeps trying and trying and refusing to let go because I believe.
And then I think, no this is just the disorder talking, making me me unable to see both sides. Unable to let go and move on. Unable to adjust to the loss. Making me think of only the things that made me happy, becuase that's all that mattered. And making me forget about all the times he made me sad, and gave up so easily. Making me put all his good qualities before his equally as many bad qualities.
I tried to erase you from my picture, just like I originally had sketched you in. I wanted to get you out and as far away from me as possible, so I could be the me that was happy before I met you. I want to forget you. But then, it gets hard again when something trips. An old memory, friends mentioning your name or your friends. It makes me think of every possible situation and outcome. Why I wasn't asked, who's been talking, what if they said that, or thought this. Maybe she said something, maybe she heard something. So many possibilites, and I can't think that maybe none of them happened. Maybe nobody cares, and it all just boils down to a simiple thing. Everyone just wants to have fun with their friends.
I know I need to stop over-thinking things. That maybe thats one of the many reasons why this relationship failed. I wonder if Dave's friends think about me, or think that Dave made the wrong choice. I wonder, and I shouldn't because its trivial, and it shouldn't matter. I shoud be thinking about how to get better and become stronger. Not wondering and worrying about what people that shouldn't matter to me are thinking. If they really were saying horrible things about you, then I don't need them as friends, right?
Anyways, back on topic. My question is really asking myself if I should just honestly tell Dave that I miss him. He always asked me how I was doing, and I would always give an open ended answer. And now I think I should just flat out tell him. I miss you. I don't want to, and I try not to but I do. But I think the first thing I need to do is forgive you. On random days I still get mad at you and start crying and calling you poo-head. I do it to convince myself to stop crying over you because your not worth it. But deep down, I think I still miss you. You weren't a great boyfriend, and maybe this is the disorder talking, but I feel like I miss you. And maybe I should let you know? A while ago I asked you if it made you uncomfortable when I said I missed you. Without hesitating you said 'No'. No because it was only natural. I only told you once that I missed you, and that was a few days right after we broke up. Then I never said it again because I didn't want to seem like the weak one. But not saying it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. So thats why I think, that the next time you ask me how I'm doing. I will tell you. Because you shouldn't ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer for.
I hope I'll be okay.

I miss you :(

I'm such a high school girl.
I can't remember what you look like anymore but I still miss you. The thing that would make me the happiest is being able to wake up and lie in bed next to you. Just for a little bit. I'm so silly for still missing you. For not being able to move on and move past you yet. For being scared when other guys show interest in me. I want to see you, and I want to hear you say that you miss me too. I'm so silly. You'll ask me how I'm doing, but I'm too scared to answer you back. To scared because I know I over think things, and I automatically assume that you messaging me, means you miss me. Because what I do when I miss you. I keep hoping I will have a fairytale ending and you will look for me. And that I can't completely convince myself that its over. That we are over. I don't think about how you gave up on me. How you ignored me, instead of told me what was on your mind. How I fought for us, but you didn't even try. How you just kept me around as someone to have sex with. I say this to myself everytime I start to miss you and I feel like crying. And it works for a bit, but a tiny while later my heart will ache again. I read so many articles on how to deal with a broken heart, and I see how others feel and go through exactly what I'm going through, and I just wish I could be Black or White. Not inbetween. Not hating you and wanting you at the same time. I want you in my life so much, or not at all. Not even a friend. I haven't talked or seen Dave since my last post. 26 days. It seemed so long, but it wasn't really. Day 7. Day 12. Day 20. I felt stronger and stronger every day. And then slowly I started to think about you and miss you all over again. Wondering if you were happy. Wondering if you thought about me. But I didn't want to ask you, because I didn't want to hear the answer. I want to move away from here. Far away from everything and everyone and every place that reminds me of you. Away from my friends and family to be a strong person again. I miss you very much. And I wish I didn't. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I accepted you for who you were, and I tried to help you work on your faults, but I never got mad if you failed or got distracted. I wanted you to do the same for me. To be my equal and help me stand when I needed help. I didn't want you to pity me, I wanted you to understand me. I told you all my weaknesses and fears so that you could be there for me when I felt scared. But you didn't do that for me. Even though I supported everything you did. You never did the same for me. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, even if it hurt. It wouldve made me feel better because it meant you saw us together in the future.
I miss you. And I wish I didnt.

Feeling like myself

Today was the first day where I felt like I was going to be okay. That I felt I was able to go an hour without thinking of him. Today I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it.
12 days ago I saw Dave. And 12 days ago I told myself it would be the last time I would see him. And that I couldn't just be his friend. I told myself that many many times, but I couldn't convince myself to let him go. I was hoping that he would say something to me, and I would get the benefit of telling him this. But he didn't. So I just said goodbye in my heart. I miss him very much, but everyday that goes by I feel stronger and stronger. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and see him as just a silly boy that doesn't hurt me anymore.
I think maybe I won't see the therapist next week too. It helped being told that I had depression, but I dont feel llike she's giving me enough to work with. Teaching me things to do when I'm slumping. I find I'm just doing things on my own that make me feel better. Small simple things that make me feel pretty and happy and make me feel like a different person. Parting my bangs to the other side, wearing different colors, wearing my barrette on a different side, new glasses.... Its small material changes but it makes me feel new. And I can put the old weaker me behind. I even went to the studio and spruced it up a bit, and made a few aprons. It could've been that I've just been interacting with more people this week, but I feel less sad. And that I'm not thinking of sad things as much anymore..... That and I've been thinking of moving somewhere lately. Not sure if its just on a whim, but I really want to do something that will make me feel strong and independant again. Back to NY, or maybe Vancouver.... or maybe just a long trip to Europe..... Something different that will make me happy memories.......

I just miss the idea of you

1. I miss having someone to spend my weekends with
2. I miss his/her sense of humor/laugh
3. I miss knowing that I have someone out there who cares about me
4. I miss his/her sweet text messages/love notes/phone calls/etc.
5. I miss having love/affection/sex
6. I miss his/her scent
7. I miss always having someone to talk to when something good/bad happens
8. I miss his/her style
9. I miss being treated to dinner/getting gifts
10. I miss his/her drive/motivation

If you checked off mostly even numbers, than it seems you truly do miss your ex-companion. If you checked off mostly odd numbers, it’s the absence of the companionship that has you hurting.

I did this survey about 2 months ago and I tried to convince myself that I said yes to all 10 questions. I looked at it again last night and I really only said yes to the odd #s and I had to think really hard for the even #s. Maybe I do only miss the idea of you. I told myself that before too. That I never really loved you and maybe just loved the idea of you. I thought you made me happy but really I was only happy around you because you were someone to be around. Just like how I can be happy at work because there are people to be around.  The biggest clue that I don't actually miss Dave is the thing I've been saying every day to myself is I feel lonely. Not I miss him. Maybe the part where I can't look at him or cheer up when I see him is my own psyche playing tricks on me. So help me forget about you. Help me see the faults that you had. Because I know you had them, I just ignored them....

Dave never really had a sense of humor, I can't remember a time where he really made me laugh.
He never really sent me sweet texts or called me or stopped by just because. Not unless I asked him to. I did that a lot for him
He never really wore cologne often, and the one he didn't wasn't amazing either. He always smelled like his deoderant which smelled like ointment, but it wasn't gross......
Well. I do miss his old sense of style. When he wore dress shirts and ties. The guys at work remind me of him because they dress well, and when Dave had to he dressed well too.....
Dave had no motivation.
He changed his mind very easily.
Do you remember that thing about how you can judge how a man will treat you by how he treats his favorite pair of jeans? If he has one pair that he's held on to for the longest time or if he tosses them out as soon as a new trend comes along? He was kind of the latter. Always buying new phones not able to have a favorite something.
I never really felt special to him..... He never did things that made me knew he cared for me or knew me or understood me.
The silly presents he would get for me.
He was there physically a lot, but not very mentally. When I felt sad or cried or was upset, he would say things that didn't really make me feel better.
He made me feel bad for things I shouldn't feel bad about, but he never once felt bad for things he's said to me.
He wasn't tall...... or in the greatest shape.
He wasn't a good homeowner, and even his roomate said that, someone who's known him for 3/4 of his life.
He would tell me his family meant a lot to him, but if I think about it he never did much to help them out. (Like work harder to get out of debt and pay off his parents' mortgage like he said)
He had horrible eating, sleeping, health, hygiene habits.
Make a mix tape just for me & Make sure I go to the therapist. - The only 2 things I really wanted from him and he never did.

See, he has a lot of faults. You wrote this list out yourself, so you can see the reasons why he's not good for you. Maybe he does realize and maybe he doesn't. And even if he does realize, what will/can he do about it and will it stay that way? You know him more than he knows himself sometimes, and the answer, unfortunately, is a most definate No.

The Day After Yesterday

I finally saw a therapist on Tuesday.
She didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know (suspect). That I finally have depression. That I went untreated for so long I suppose it turned into depression. I figured as much the one day I looked it up and I had all the symptoms. That I would cry randomly for no apparent reason, and that its gotten so bad I couldn't even hold it in in front of other people. That I always always felt tired and just wanted to lie in bed and sleep so I wouldn't think about sad things. That I stopped going to the studio and designing or drawing because I everything I did felt like a failure. That I didn't want to go out or do anything anymore. That I felt abandoned and alone all the time. That I don't smile or laugh anymore. And that I think about dying and how to. My new boss once said to me, when I told him my heart was in so much pain, that that actually was a good sign. Because it meant I was still human, and that I still felt something. And that if I didn't feel anything that was when I should start worrying. I said just the other day, that I don't really feel anything anymore. I didn't feel nervous when I had to go to the therapist. I don't feel excited or happy or mad or frustrated much anymore. That I have trouble looking anyone in the eyes, and I feel like there is nothing interesting in my life anymore. That everything is grey. That everything that makes me happy, is something that shouldn't.
I do feel better sometimes. On the days where work is so busy and I'm running around, I sometimes feel like myself. That I have my energy back..... But as soon as 5pm hits and I make that walk home, I just feel myself falling again. Because I don't want to go back to an empty home, an empty kitchen, and an empty bed. I don't to be reminded by things that remind me of Dave, but they are everywhere. Things I can't hide in the closet. Food, tv shows, articles in the paper, the news, movies, toys, places, phrases. So many things. And I wish I could train myself to not let all those triggers remind me of Dave.
I remember a few weeks after we broke up I told myself, I would become so happy again that I would make Dave miss me. I don't know what happened. I just keep wondering and hoping and praying that he is as miserable as me. But I don't think that's the case, which is what makes me sad too. That hes out doing all the things he wants too, and that I was holding him down so now that we're not together he has all his time back to do things he wants to do. I was silly and asked Dave to watch Wreck-It Ralph with me. I thought that I was doing better and that seeing him would be okay. But secretly I knew that I would be a mess after he left. He came to pick me up and we chatted for a bit. He paid for my movie, but I gave him money back. The movie was pretty good actually, but towards the end I started crying because I knew the movie was almost over and that I would have to go back home, and that Dave would leave. Now that I think about it I didn't look at him the entire time we were together. I couldn't look at his eyes, or even his face, or in his direction. I wondered if he noticed this, and if he knew that I was feeling really sad. That I left his car as fast as I could and as soon as I closed the door I started crying. I wondered if he watched me go up the stairs and if he knew how much pain I was in. It's useless asking this but I just wanted to know that he felt bad. That he had a tiniest bit of guilt. I don't think we will get back together anymore. As much as I miss him, the effect everything has had on me has made too much of an impact. I won't be able to forget this unless Dave is out of my life. I've said it so many times to myself, but I still can't bring myself to say it to him. I lied. I don't think we can be friends anymore. You are the trigger that makes me fall the hardest. Everytime I see you or hear from you it makes me so happy, but it crushes my heart after because its just temporary. I want you in my life more than just a friend, and if thats not possible then I don't think you can be in my life at all. Because I won't be able to let you go if your still within my reach. I blocked him on FB, but that wasn't enough because I still saw what his friends were doing. I deactived FB but that wasn't enough either because my friends would still talk about things they were all doing together. I started ignoring the texts he would send me, but that wasn't enough either because I would just sit and read them over and over again. I finally deleted all the texts, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. I don't know what else I can do, but tell you I can't talk to you anymore because its too painful. To want something right in front of you, but not be able to have it. Sometimes I think that Dave misses me and regrets his decision. But then I think that that is always what I say because I think too much. So then I assume the opposite. That Dave is alright. That he cut off all his feelings for me and just sees me as an ordinary friend, and he is happy because his life is back to normal and finally has time to do things he wanted because he got rid of me.
Are you that much happier without me? Was I really that much of a burden? I want to ask you every night, but I don't want to hear the answer. When you told me you went snowboarding that made me really sad too. You always said you would teach me to snowboard, but you never did. I wanted to learn, and waited patiently for you to find time, but you never did. You never found the time for me, and it was alwys me waiting for you and working my schedule around yours. I shouldn't blame myself for anything, but I do. I do still ask myself What did I do wrong. What else could I have done. And I can't see that it was all you. All you, and that you never really cared about me. And that makes me sad too, that I cared so much for someone who was able to move on so quickly and forget about me. It hurts extra lots when I think about this. That I meant very little to you.