The right path....

hey everybody.
I guess I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging again. I was going through the first 2 years of my blogs re-reading all my entries and it makes me laugh at how simple my complaints were. no wonder I didn't have any followers. ha-ha...... well anyways. I've been staying up late a lot these past few weeks trying to get some sewing done. I've got some pieces on consignment at Bamboo Ballroom so hopefully I'll start making stuff on a regular basis now.
....But....speaking about starting to design again. I dunno why, but I'm starting to wonder about whether or not I'm really going to be happy being a fashion designer? I just feel like its such a superficial job now. UGH. how come I can't realize this stuff BEFORE i've spent ten grand on schooling.... After talking to Sarah at work, and reading Survivor, i just feel like I want to spend my life doing something more....helpful something more fulfilling. i've been having these thoughts of taking some massage therapy courses or something.... I'm still using my hands I'll be helping people at the same time. Its not even that this thought suddenly came up, I've thought about it before but it was always on the backburner. If i really did pursue this at least I would be garaunteed a job, and i'm sure the wage would be pretty good. And...and....and i dont know..... uuuuuugh..... the problem is, the problem is what I'm doing right NOW. i'm supposed to be a fashion designer. and i tell everyone i'm a fashion designer, and everyone thinks i am a fashion designer. but I'm having my doubts..... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *sob sob* Its just so stressfull right now. I'm telling everyone that I'm trying to save up money to set up my studio, and i'm designing on the side. but its all so frustrating because I'm having these second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm really cut out be a fashion designer. I feel so timid compared to everyone else. And theres that part about me having such a superficial job for ther est of my life. If i wanna start looking into massage therapy I need to do it now. I dont want to spend years setting up a studio and designing and then realize again, this isn't what i want to do. and then have to go back to school again..... uuuuuuuuuuuuugh i'm so so so confused......

is pretty sure.......

I dont really know how to explain this feeling that I have.... but i'm pretty pretty *pretty* sure that i'm gonna die in at most a couple years. I'm all done school (for now) and I'm just not feeling happy with life. its super mundane, and everything is driving me crazy. Trying to get some weight off my chest, but whoever i tell, i feel like doesn't take me seriously. I'm pretty sure I should see a psychiatrist, but I haven't. 10+ years of knowing that and trying to tell someone that I need their help, their support and nadda. I dunno if I'm just that damn unlucky that no one I knows thinks I have a problem or if their just naive. Does no one believe that their sister, their friend, their daughter could have depression? That more and more often she wonders what the hell shes doing still alive? Why bother fighter sometimes i wonder. I look around me and i seriouisly wonder why the hell would anybody want to live in this world. Humans are killing it and we're killing ourselves. Why stick around and be a part of the problem.
I'm kinda getting a headache right now but I want to get some thoughts out. If you were so SO unfulfilled with life the only thing you looked forward to was death that would be kind of a goal...rather release....it would be your release, the one positive thing you looked forward to in life. And if you were depressed and just wanted to die, imagine how it would feel if people were telling you *no no dont do it dont die think of everybody you'll leave behind, think of all the pain you'll cause.* has it ever occured to anyone to think about that depressed persons pain? The pain of having to live every day because someone else told them to? denying them the one thing in life that had meaning? I dunno, its bad but thats the way i've been looking at things lately.
I talk, smile, laugh, play, work. but in the end i feel like it doesn't matter. at one or more points of time during the day i'll ponder the meaning of life. The second we're born, the only thing that we can be sure of is. you'll die. Thats the outcome of everyone. no ifs, ands or buts. and if that was the case. whats the point?
I'm just really tired of people not understanding how lost i am and how awful Im feeling. I've always said i dont know if its better knowing so much and worrying all the time, or being happy and completely oblivious of the pain and misery around you? I'm pretty sure I would chose the former 9 out of 10 times. just seeing how materialistic society is. geting getting getting. buying buying buying. all for what? I sit at home sometimes wondering when i'll die, and i'll look over and see a pile of dishes, a mountain of bottles, bags of garbage sitting there for me to do. really makes me wanna keep on living hey? i just feel so stressed out, because i want to solve everything. and if i cant solve it, then i wont try. I want everyone to be happy, I want everyone to be equal. I'm always the middleman. but theres no such thing as equality. so the middleman is always screwed. Rather than having no problems but my own, now i have everyone elses, and i'm trying to solve theirs before mine. I'm not a messenger anymore, i want to scream. I'm so negative now. both my brothers talk to each other through me. I'm just so tired of being messenger. figuring out what each other wants, doing all the accomodating for them and figuring out all the planning so the only thing they get is black or white. I clean up the grey. I wish with all my might that my family wasnt so fickle. that someone could just say yes. no. yes. no. no more *i dont care, it doesn't matter* because actually. it does matter. it matters a lot. if i learned how to say yes and no instead of maybe, then i wouldn't be living a maybe life. and i could decide. do it. dont do it.

not feeling great

hiiiiiii......
sitting at home, watching tv. being unproductive. I actually feel kinda sick today, my stomache feels funny. ugggggh, im just falling into a slump again. i need a job so bad. I feel so horrible that I've finshed 6 years of schooling and i can't even get a fuckin retail job. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. i just want.....a clean slate....an empty mind....nothing to think about nothing to worry about. job, one year plan, michael, being single. i dont know how people do it. theres so much stuff for me to worry about, and at the same time, the stuff i'm worrying about is SO DUMB. like.....how many millions of people are umemployed, or unable to work, and i cant just suck it up? i hate feeling this useless, wakingg up and having nothing to do. i hate that michael is so....so.....carefree??? am i complaining that hes too carefree???? wtf. this guy has probably less money than in his account than me, and the second he gets a bit more than that he spends it all on something useless. I dont understand why he can't see that HES NOT RICH ANYMORE. i feel like he's still trying to impress everyone with money that he doesn't have. he always scolded me for being so senseless and childish, and here HE IS blowing his life away. i cant even comprehend why i still care so much. ugh my brother just came home and asked me *how can you stay at home and do nothing all day*..... HAH. if he only understood how i feel. how ever day i stay at home makes me feel more and more depressed. makes me feel more and more confused and makes me wonder why the hell was i born if i can't succeed......

sigh

it's so bittersweet to be writing here again. writing here helps me to get some weight of my chest, but writing here also means that i'm usually feeling really depressed. *sigh*
Welp, i came back from my internship in new york ......2 and a half weeks ago.....yeah i did go. Not happy i went, not sad i went. I suppose i would have liked it if i went for a shorter period of time....maybe. I dunno. I know for sure that I didn't enjoy working at Heike's. I want to say it's because her company is still young, but it was so unorganized there. There was no permanant staff member, and nobody knew where everything was. it was a constant cat and mouse trying to get stuff done or find things. But, like having said that I did learn a lot. Made a lot of contacts, found a lot of good fabric and notion stores. And i feel really happy that i made it own my own in new york for those 3 months. Of course, i wasn't getting paid so i suppose it wasn't *really* on my own, but i did pay for everything (minus my plane ticket). Anyways long story short, after my internship was over, and i had a week left to do some shopping, i seriously couldn't wait to get back to canada. I was just really done and tired with new york. I suppose it's because, 3 months doesn't really seem like a long time to do stuff, especially when 5 days out of the week your working. So.... every weekend i would get up and go out and do stuff till late. so i was really really REALLY tired at the end.
But anyways, now that i'm back in edmonton....i dont know if its better or worse.... i mean the very first day i got back i was so SO happy. I was smiling from ear to ear the second i stepped off the plane. (mostly because i remembered the day i left i was sitting in the airport by myself crying.....haha....) Anyways. pretty much the 2nd day i got back to edmonton i started getting really frustrated again. ironic i suppose, but i really reallly REALLY miss having a tiny dormitory style room. It was always so clean and organized, and i could always find everything, and i'd never have to worry about someone moving my stuff. Back to the condo, and theres junk EVERYWHERE, and its so frustrating because i dont know where to put it, or i dont have access to get rid of it. and just like..... the bottles are PILING up, i dont think my brothers recycled a single load since i've been gone. The dishwasher was broken in january and we had credit to get a brand new one for free. My brother didn't go and get it. the ONLY reason we got a new one was because my parents chose one for him when they came to pick me up from the airport. THREE MONTHS!!!! ........ugh
and now theres the problem of me being unemployed......i dont know if its because i'm being too picky and my lack of retail experience, but i CANNOT seem to get hired. Its taking such a toll on my self esteem. I suppose, i've only been looking for a week or so, but everytime i call to *follow-up* on a resume, everybody says they're not looking right now even though i know they are hiring. And then there was the 2 interviews i did. The one at Banana Republic went well I thought, but the one i had at Anthropologie went horribble. It was a group interview and i got so SO nervous i coudln't remember the answers i had prepared the night before. And the girl next to me was giving the exact same answers i wanted to say. uuuuuugh i HATE that i get so nervous!!! but and so now, i'm just sitting at home being useless. I can't imagine what retired people feel like. its so unfulfilling. its SO unfulfilling, that i started considering taking up that job offer i received when i was in New York..... the pay was bad, and i didn't enjoy it, but at least i wasn't sitting at home wasting away..... I have this GREAT plan set up in my head of what i want, and i told michael that i want my studio up and runing by next August. but theres just that problem of getting a job thats stopping me. I can't get to step 10 if i can't even get to step 1 first..... its just bringing me down. Am i being to picky? Am i just thinking too much? Am i being to impatient? I dont know..... I just know i woudln't feel this bad if i had some type of job. I wouldn't have 24 hours to remind myself that i have less than $1000 left in my bank account, i wouldn't have 24 hours to constantly ponder over if what i'm trying to do is right or not...... it just sucks...... going back to that damn contradiction that is life. Why doesn't anything in life ever make sense? when i was in new york i wanted to go back to canada. now that i'm back in canada i dont know if its bettter or worse than new york. In new york i never worried about how much money was in my bank account, i never worried about trying to find a job or the next step. Now i'm worrying about everything and wondering how to take the first step if i dont even have the funds to do so...... The first, first FIRST thing i want right now is just form of income. After banana republic called me back to say they weren't hiring i got so depressed that i called kyoto to ask if they were hiring. and, ironic, they just hired someone and weren't looking anymore. i just feel so useless that i can't even get a simple fucking job. In New York all i could think about was this GREAT plan i had.
#1 get a retail job (preferrably at bamboo ballroom),
#2 maybe work p/t at kyoto to make some extra income
#3 after i've saved sufficient funds rent a studio,
#4 fix up the studio
#5 buy an industrial sewing machine
#6 get on my way......
......now its just so frustrating that i can't even get step one completed......and so here i am waiting at home for a uniform from UPS to come so that tomorrow i can go to wal-mart and give away free Hershey's Kisses..... yup, thats the only job i could land, and its only for 2 days..... i just feel so useless and lost right now........

Corinna casts reactivation spell lv 3.

Wow. so its been at least a year since i last wrote a blog i see.... sorry blog, didn't mean to forget about you. thought about you lots but just never got around to writing. Well. A lots happened since I've last wrote an entry. Last may i started seeing someone. Which i guess would explain the lack of updating my life, since i started having an actual someone to tell it to rather than keeping it all to myself..... Probably the best and worst year of my life..... having said that we broke up a month after our one year. Needless to say i was pretty devastated. Just.... wrong time i guess. A year earlier or a year later and things just mighta worked out.... maybe.

But. If any one should know theres only one real reason why i used to write in this blog. Get things off my chest. To no one. Give an image to whats really bothering me. So another new thing thats happened in the past year is I've just recieved my diploma in fashion design. I really enjoy doing it and I dont plan on going to school anymore because i'm content with doing this as a career. Problem. Its required that we finish 180hours worth of unpaid work experience before we get our diploma. I originally wanted to do half at a small independant company, and half with a large scale company. I already did half of it with a local designer here in edmonton and I have to say what she does now feels like exactly what i want to do. Have a small studio to myself where i can just design and sew, design and sew. However. right after i *finished* this half practicum the director of my program informed me that i wasn't allowed to do *half*. I was kinda pissed off because i had alreayd gone over this with her MONTHS ago. and how she failed to realize and tell me before then i do not know. Anyways. at that time I told her i still wanted to go do a practicum with a big company (in New York). So while she went to look for someone to accept me I started to *work* at a seamstress/alteration store. I tried it out for 4 days but. It went really bad. The lady owner was SUPER nice, and really really tried to help me, but she was just too busy for me to be of any real help. It took me 6 hours to sew a dress that she could sew in 2. She tried to get me to do some alterations but she just ended up taking out what i did and re doing it. I just thanked her for her time and said that it felt like i was being more a burden than a help. She invited me to come in any time to watch/learn which was really nice. So... that was just last week middle of October. The director got a hold of me few days ago to tell me she got a connection for me in NY and the next step is to contact her and try and set it up. I dont know why but.... i dont want to go to NY anymore. Months ago i thought i would give anything to go back. I loved it when i went with the university and i've always said i've wanted to go back. But.... i just can't stop worrying about it. I'm low on cash and my original plan when i was intent on going to NY was that I'd be working full time throughout September till I left in January to make sufficient funds. And that I wanted to see what it would be like to work for a big company. I JUST started working a few days ago because I was unable to land a retail job like I wanted to. My parents have said they'd pay for any living expenses if I couldn't make enough so i was like okay. sure. But after i worked those few days at the tailor's I hated it. I just couldn't pick up sewing other peoples designs and their specific short cuts. I felt like I had to ask how to sew everything. After that I started to worry about going to NY and if that was what I was going to have to do. Only this one is going to last at least a month. And... unless they offer me a job as an illustrator I dont actually see myself staying in NY. So... is it worth it for me to go now? Jess tells me its worth the experience which I agree to an extent. But.... what if i've already decided that I want to open my own studio and just start selling small amounts like bridget. Maybe i'm just being scared and not willing to look at other paths but.... I'm starting to think that this trip to NY might not be worth it. I'm not making enough money right now to pay for it. And its kinda rude to get another job right now KNOWING that I'll be leaving in January. And then. When I do come back. I'm going to have to start all over again saving up money to rent a studio, and buy all my supplies. The seamstress suggested that i get started as soon as possible and to borrow money from my parents if I really had to. I just....i keep on thinking and wondering whether or not my decision to go to NY is the right one or not? I've wanted to go so bad but right now it just seems like its something i should put off because I don't see myself gaining anything from it. Just this week I've gotten so depressed over it because I feel the path is blurring. It just seems to be set in my mind now that this trip to NY is setting me back more than anything. uuuuuuuugh. I know i know, if i dont want to go anymore then why dont i just not go? I was the one that called up the director asking her to try and get me an internship in NY and she found this contact for me. I sent in my portfoio and resume and now it just seems like I'd get in so much shit if i told her i didn't want to go anymore. Ugh i get so stressed out when i think about it because it just seems to landslide. If i go to NY now i'm going to have to put off getting my studio set up at least till May? MAYBE. If I dont go to NY and just finish my practicum here I can work on the side and everything might start coming together by january..... i just.... i just dont want to waste anymore time i guess. I'm in a real slump right now worrying about this. Not really eatting well. And the fact that I couldn't keep that seamstress job bummed me out. Now i'm back at kyoto. waitressing. Not even at Downtown. I had to go over to southside cuz DT was over staffed. Its only been one day but i feel so sad. I know the people there, but its just not as friendly as DT. It used to take me 7 minutes to walk to work. Now i have to pay for a bus pass to take the bus to work. And when i get off work at 10pm it takes me at least 45 mintues to take the bus back DT and then transfer to another bus which drops me off in front of dowtown kyoto, where i proceed to walk that 7 minute walk home........ I'm just so sad right now. so so very sad.....

planning for my summer?

Hey all, after finishing my big china 302 translation project i decided to reward myself by reading 3 naruto mangas. This is where i found my next animethon costume! Hahah assuming that I'm still in Canada, let alone Edmonton, i'm gonna be Kimimaro from Naruto! Yaaaay. hahah whats with me and liking to dress up as efeminate men? Anyways, that pic on the right..no left hahah is Kimimaro. Of course i dont have his chest, or the ability to take out my bones... but you get the idea. Hahah. ....oh.... have i previously mentioned that I might be going to china again?

dilema, dilema....

dilema should be my middle name. lifes full of em' Okay, welp just gonna get straight to the point i guess. So something COMPLETELY unexpected happened yesterday. Um I came home after visiting my gramma and checked my email, and there was like 10 messages. wow. ive never gotten 10 messages in a week. And strangely there was a message from my chinese instructor....
So apparently I was chosen to receive a full scholarship to go to school in China for a semester that covers tuition, texts, accomodations and basic meals..... *holy....fuck....* I was totally not expecting that. I had to go lie down after. And when i got up i went to check my email again to make sure i wasn't dreaming. And then after i told jess and a few friends, i went to check it again. and then when i finally called my parents and told them. I checked it one last final time.... still there. geezus. I still cannot belive I got that scholarship. Like everybody i know must be thinking what the hell am i waiting for. Anybody else would jump at an opportunity like this. But. i dunno its not that easy a decision for me. Its really scary going to a place where you dont know anyone. Where after your class you dont get to go home to your familiar house, see familiar faces, sleep in your own bed. its scary. blarg.... i wish i got this notice after exams. I've still got a lot of hw to do, and exams to study for. Don't need another reason to keep me awake at night. sigh....
Welp, in anycase, i'm probably leaning towards yes... Its just really my nerves thats scared right now.

今天啦....

今天啦....很奇怪。哎呀， 我真的不明白这个世界。为什么我喜欢的人，不喜欢我。喜欢我的人，我不喜欢。今天我下班时我镇伤心心痛。为什么？因为....哎呀，因为他没有等我。每次一下班的时候，拜拜都不说就马上走了。虽然这是一件很简单的事，可是对我来说呢这是说他对我一点兴趣都没有。我也不是很喜欢很喜欢他。可是他一点感觉都没有真让我失望。我真不明白。他喜欢跟我开玩笑，有时候好像跟我调清....*sigh* 可能我想得太多了。也再来一个单相思啦。我不想 :(

i just wish that people could understand what i'm going through. That everything people say and dont say to me i keep it in the heart. I'm a sensitive shit. I dont like it when people are upset with me, and i dont like it when people ignore me. fuck my brother of all people should know that having been through the whole having a fake best friend ordeal. It hurts me so much to see someone who used to be so close to me become so distant. And at the same time be the one that causes so many people i care for so much pain. do you know what your doing to me? seeing everything that you do and don't do and all the pain that you put everyone through worrying so much about you? what the hell happened. why can't i have my old brother back.

Hi

Hi all. So much trouble sleeping these past few weeks. You guys every watch that episode of Star Trek where nobody achieves REM sleep, and they start to go insane because of it? You think thats real? Hahaha i hope not, i dont recall having any dreams for like the past year. I was going to write another complainer blog about how i can't fall asleep but whatever. Just one thing to mention. AhCong got a haircut. He looks like a 17year old boy.... So cute! Hahahahah HES ACTUALLY 26 OKAY !!

Lives in Strange Central

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not religious, and why I don't believe in a God or anything. Other times it's absolutely clear. This week as been one of those times when it's been crystal clear. I don't believe in god because he gives me no reason to do so. It fricken makes me want to die when I see rude little shits spending their parents money on gucci bags and gucci shoes not having to worry about their life because everythings already been set in stone. And then you go and compare it with people who try hard everyday in life, but just can't get ahead because no one gives them a break. It makes me sick. Fucking sick. I just dont understand. How could you have cancer? You're how old? I just don't fucking believe.... that if there really was a god, that he would have the heart to put someone through even half as much shit as you've been through. useless....

new year doesn't bring anything new

or anything really good actually for that matter.
Long, day today. So the annual CNY Banquet was today. Long story about that. This was the year that it was supposed to be a 10 person table full of all our friends. Somehow, fate threw in a pebble and messed it all up. I had 4 tickets for me, jess, ling and ben. a week b4 the banquet, and ben gets laid off, so he gives up his ticket. few days later, jess' grandpa in ottawa passes away, and she gives up her ticket. 2 more days later and ling gets a kidney infection and gets admitted into the hospital. Down to just me. sigh. What are the chances ey? I ended up asking the entire China crew, and managed to get Lisa and Shane to come. goot goot.
bat-bat. Banquet day arrives, i work lunch till 5pm, and then Shane is supposed 2 come pick me up at 5 30. At 12 00pm, my contact tears a tiny tear. Crap.what are the friggen chances. I've never tore a contact in my life before. The stupid thing is, i ran out of contacts at home, but only TWO DAYS prior, i was at WEM and i said EXACTLY: hmm... maybe i should pick up some contacts..... naaaaw, this pair is brand new it'll last for a while. Fuck me in the asshole what are the chances. So anyways. i decided that i'd take off work at 4PM catch the 100# to WEM pick up a new pair, and then catch the 100# back in time for shane to pick me up. Jeebus, right at 4pm all these customers came in, and they all seemed to want to keep me from leaving. I didn't leave kyoto till 4 20, and i realized that I wouldn't be able to make it to WEM and back by 5 30. So i just stuck around for 2 hours. at 5 30 shane blakely still was not here. I called him and he told me he was at home ironing his shirt. Reason number 53 why i dont like that guy, is because he's always late. At 6pm he still wasn't here, and i called again. If your gonna be late gimme a call or something please. I coulda made it to WEM and back. Right before i changed into my dress, my contact tore right in half and it made my eye water like a bitch. So i took it out and just went w/ one contact for the next 5 hours. Painful yes. I can't believe I didn't die. *sigh*
i miss jess and ling and iris and cathy. just not the same
.....on a completely different side note. Tara's BF came for the first year. Him and mister blakely got along extremely well. scary because they both seem to be so opinionated. But anyways, i was my normal self i'm pretty sure, and shane was his normal self, and we were our normal selves. Right after shane left, josh turns and asks me, *so whats the deal between you guys you two sleep together?* WHOA,WHAT??! i was NOT expecting that question, and i was like NO! he might look like that kinda guy, but i'm not that kinda girl. *oh really? no nothing, sorry i just thought that you guys did it once in awhile cuz it kinda feels that way* .....seriously???? HOW? i never realized that thats what people who sleep around are like....

you are my waterloo

Today is February 1st.
Fuck me, i'm screwed. Today is the deadline for applications to Parsons, the Design school in NY that I wanted to apply to. I didn't send in an application. Why didn't I? I dunno. I was scared, and i procrastinated. First thing was, it required a portfolio. I actually *started* working on it in late december, planning out what I wanted to do, stuff like that. Then all this stuff started happening. my gramma went to the hospital, Jess moved out, Kyoto closed down and then re opened. Stuff just kept on happening. And then in January I finally started to put together my canvases. I actually stretched and primed them. And.... and then i just stopped. Fuck. i just lost my ambition. At first i was all *yeah lets get working*. And then i started laying in bed, thinking to myself. What the fuck, i'm not going to get in. All throughout university my instructors have told me that I can't draw, and I can't paint. I tried for 4 years to get into the BFA and i never even got considered once. How the fuck am I supposed to get accepted into New Yorks top design school? why the fuck of all things did they need a portfolio. And so i never started my portfolio. And my parents thing i submited my applications and everything. And i dont even know what to tell them. My parents put too much faith in me, and all i really am is a lying failure. My dad said to me *go apply wherever you want to go, don't be afraid, I know you'll get in* And when he said that i wanted to cry right there. Because he has so much faith and confidence in me, and i dont think i'm any good. So i didn't even try because I was scared that i was going to get rejected, and i wouldn't know what to do. But now that the deadlines passed. I'm still fucked. NOW what do I tell them.

some please help me. i'm at a point where i'm completely lost and i have no idea where to go or what to do. more than anything i need direction to set be back on the path that i've wandered from.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Aaaaah, i haven't been this happy in a long time. Kehkeh-keh. I received a scholarship today! aaaaah i'm really happy, hahaha i read the letter like 6 times already. I completely forgot about it, and even when i was opening the letter I wasn't expecting it. It was addressed from the board of education or soemthing, and i thought that it was just going to say that I was eligible to graduate or something. But i opened it and read the letter and there was a 1000$ cheque inside. Aaaaah you guys have no idea how that made me feel. Hahaha not because of the money but because it made me feel pretty smart. Yeaaaah i know $1000 scholarship isn't very much compared to what other people get but it made me pretty happy. Because I worked really hard last year, and i honestly think i earned it. Last year was the first year where i was registered in 2 full course load semesters, AND working at the same time. Kept me busy, and i really earned it. At first i didn't really think a 3.4 GPA was very high, i always hear ppl get higher.... but when i think about it.... it's pretty damn good. Its really a confidence booster and makes me feel smart (something that i haven't felt in a long time) Hahahah- aaaaaah on cloud 9 here. yaaaaay!

just blank

don't really know what to write about today. But its been awhile. yaaap. I went over to Tara's today for secretsanta part-ay. Hahahah there was so much junk food. aaaaawesome. Anyums, just wanna drop a few lines. I'm doing okay, but at the same time not really. I'm not crying or anything anymore so thats all good. But I find that i'm talking to myself alot more.... and it sounds like I'm talking to a second person now.....it's kinda scarying me, but like i say things aloud like *fuck off* or *leave me alone* or *get the hell outta here*. When i'm just sitting at home by myself . I didn't think it was anything before, but i do it A LOT right now. like several times an hour if i'm by msyelf. And even sometimes when felix is here, and he gives me weird looks. freaaaaaak I need some help. le SIGH. Isnt it ironic how the one that people worry the least about is the one that needs the most help? I just hide my problems so well that they all rack up. and here's my faggity brother, probably just being a stubborn little cunt having people worry the shit outta themselves for him. aaaaah sucks.

But aside from THAT i think i'm doin okay. yup yup. i stopped taking sleeping meds and all that fun stuff. Aaaaand I stopped stalking him. hahah because literally I was. I still think about him a lot but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Its all good. but Yaaah what can i do. He's not even a very nice guy, i don't even know why i like him so much. He's pretty selfcentered, all he thinks about is getting laid, he's snobby, he doesn't care about others, he's kinda gross, hes actually kinda scary looking, he contradicts himself, hes a JERK hahah um...what else? he dresses kinda weird too.... hahah i'm not gonna list the things that i still like about him cuz i've done that before and its gotten me no where...but OH HEY!! i seen BARLEY today! hahaha i went to SSKyoto to pick up some sushi and right when i got inside, he came in too.. hahah ROCK ON! aaaaaah okay i think this is getting a decent length now. I'm gonna go and read soe of my previous happier posts and then read some other peoples blogs cuz i'm nosy like that.

New Day, New Start

Hey pookies. How ya'll doing? Unemployment sucks. I have so much free time on my hands I dont even know what to do with it. c-r-a-z-y. So yeah, i took some pictures, and uploaded one. This is me being silly. Trying to look pretty. This is what i wore to the charity auction yesterday. I liked my outfit. I like the top that I bought. But anyums, I wore a black flowy top, with a bow that tied up in the back. If someone was holding the camera for me I woulda took a back shot. Hahaha, then i wore the tights i bought in HK with the beads and bow ties. And my white shoes and pearls completes the look. One of my favorite *styles* is to wear almost everything in one color (usually black) and then a focal point/ shot of color somewhere. It looks really sharp. Guys who do this win my heart. yeh yeah. My hair looks better here than it did yesterday. Um... oh yeah, so change of pace today. I've been ranting a lot lately but I thought I'd mix it up and make this a happy entry by JUST commenting on the stuff that happened in the past few days that made me happy :)

Okay... i just wrote this giant entry on stuff that happened but i realized theres only really one thing that made me really happy this week and that I really want to comment on. Here goes...

On Friday the guy I like told me I looked pretty and kissed me on the head..... :) It makes me smile whenever I think about it.... Yeah i know i'm totally contradicting the entry i wrote yesterday, but its true. I don't expect anything from that because i know all we're ever gonna be is mutual friends... but its just one of those things that makes a girl happy. He was like an hour and a half late, and when i finally seen him show up, i pretended not to see him and started talking to my other friend. I heard him start introducing his friend and then when he got to me he gave me a hug from behind, told me i looked pretty and kissed me on my head..... not in a romantic gesture, but a friendly one. i just realized now what happened....haha. It was just something unexpected thats all. But like I said it was pretty much like before we met. I just want to get some distance between us is all. I didn't talk to him all night, but he came and sat down next to me and asked how i was doing. So yeah, back to square one i guess, cept that everytime i see him its not. hahaha. But, yeah, i'm gonna keep on saying this till I'm all good again. Distance is good. I'm not gonna go to the library just to visit him or sign in to msn just to see if he'll talk to me. gotta get back to normal corinna-mode.

i hurt.....

.... i just dont get it.... when i really want to see him, i dont. And then, the one time i dont want to see him, i do. its frustrating....I'm just REALLY trying 2 get past him right now. And, i was actually doing pretty well. T called me up to tell me waht time the party started. And then she said *oh btw so-and-so is coming*..... and i paused n said something in an unexcited voice. I just.... its one of those times when, your not angry at someone...but you dont want to see them, because seeing them makes you feel sad. And.... and he doesn't even know it. Yeah, i dont think it was that bad though.... kinda like before we knew each other when he'd sit over there, and i'd sit over here. And not talk. Just what i wanted right? But, it still felt sad when he left though. Frig i dont even know why. And THEN there was the whole deal with the event tonight too. I was pretty excited about getting 2 go to a semi-formal event. I haven't been to one in a long time. Me and Iris and Cathy used to go do stuff like that once a month. Watch ballet, go out 2 eat at pretty restaraunts.... I missed that. So yeah i was pretty happy 2 go do that again tonight. But like.... i dunno, it was pretty good at first, being dressed up, but like... the settings weren't the same. And..... i just miss cathy and iris. Cuz we'd sit around and talk and gossip. But here everyone would get up and wander and talk w/ their other friends. And then, after the auctions were all over D was like *hey you guys hungry? wanna go out and grab a bite 2 eat?* and i was up for that cuz i didn't eat supper yet, and thats what iris and cathy would used 2 do after an event too. We'd go over 2 Joey's and eat, and then cathy would go home and me and iris would walk 2 my place where she would probably sleep over. Plus i love food. and being dressed up and going out 2 eat. But after the auction was over everyone went 2 this tiny dance floor 2 dance. And... and i was in that lethargic mood again. And i felt stupid sitting at the table while everyone was dancing, so i went 2 the dance floor. And then i felt even stupider cuz i didn't want 2 dance so i just stood in the corner. I'm such an idiot. So i just ended up giving iris a call. And talking 2 her till everyone decided 2 leave.... oh and yeah, they decided they didn't want to eat, but instead chose 2 go 2 a club. How awesome. Dave gave me a ride home, but i kinda wanted 2 walk, he kept on asking me, and i just gave in cuz i felt bad. I miss my friends because we always want 2 do the same stuff, and we jsut sit and talk about random stuff. I always have a good time and i never leave feeling upset or sad. You guys have no idea....

加油。加油。

周明儿，你听到吗？你一定要加油，不可以再不开心啦。
yeah zhou-minger you got that? no more of this unhappy BS. You too gods up there, stop fuckin around with me and give me some breathing space between each bad day AIGHT. Yeah, so i feel better now. Lets just keep in that way. Right after jess left I got into a arguement with her over something stupid. I got upset, and I cried and hurt myself, then took a bunch of sleeping meds to knock me out so i'd fall asleep right away and not think about anything. I woke up and i felt like crap. went to class and still felt like crap. Sometimes i think its amazing that people can tell I'm down even when theres no chance. At work i can see how, i dont talk obviously. But in an hour long lecture w/ the lights down low, and only the prof's voice, I was really surprised that my classmate knew something was wrong. But i ended up calling shane out to talk.... i ...i REALLY dont know why i called him out of all people.... it was the first time ive seen him since halloween. I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out. I was wrong. He asked me what was wrong, and i started crying....and then we went 2 HUB and it just went downhill from there. FUCK it was so frustrating, there was so much stuff I wanted to say and i couldn't get the words out. I opened my mouth like 50 thousand times and all i got out was *i...i....i dont know...* After all, how is someone supposed 2 help me if I dont tell them whats wrong.... So in the end he said he had to get back to work, because we sat there for an hour and i barely got any words out. Haven't talked to him since. Figure someone would be a little bit more worried about me than that hey? ah whatever. So anyways, I got home and I called tracy out for dinner, but she already ate... so i just went and laid in bed for an hour. Later that night i went online cuz I wanted 2 talk 2 iris or ling. I started 2 tell Ling about my week, and then i decided that Jess should be the one to tell because I feel closer to her. And then.... Jess got angry at me, telling me basically to suck it up and stop moping. Yeah i know its something i should do, but that exact moment in time is not when i needed it. I got so upset my hands started shaking. So i signed out, and my first instinct was to call Iris. I haven't talked to Iris in a really really long time, but she's always there for me. Keep in mind it was like 2AM. So i called her and i was like *is this iris?* "yeah....whats wrong?" ...a providence away and she still knows me.... And... for the first time in my life i just cried and i let everything out. God it was a relief. I told her what happened between me and Jess, and what happened on Halloween and everything after, and I told her about my brothers. The words didn't leave me, and I wasn't scared that iris was going to think i was stupid, and i didn't care that she was hearing me cry. you guys have no idea how much better I felt after that. no idea.... haha but so yeah. That was the start to my month hiatus of work! Hahaha, i went out shopping today, bought some new clothes. I bought a black dressy shirt, its something I dont think I'd ever take a 2nd glance at, but for some reason i picked it up and tried it on, and it looked really nice on me. haha *yay* now i'm just on the hunt for a nice pair of shoes....oh and of course a nice 男朋友。

This is a weird feeling....

it is a very weird feeling I'm feeling right now. I'm still feeling pretty down right now, and its been exactly a week since it first started. This might be the longest its lasted before....but i guess it hasn't lasted exactly a week....I was feeling better yesterday.... ugh. I'm just upset because I thought that I was finally going to be able to get it all out and tell someone today. But instead, I just sat there.... and I couldn't get the words out. Im just so angry with myself, I have this conversation over and over again countless times with myself, I voice out everything that bothers me. But when I'm finally face to face with someone the words just leave me. I'm upset because life is unfair. I'm lonely. When I want someone to talk to I feel like I have no one. My best friends moved away. My two brothers dont talk to me. Everyone who I used to be so close to now seems so distant. I can't sleep. I'm taking more sleeping medication than I'm supposed to. I cry when I'm depressed. I think crying is weak. I cut myself because the pain takes my mind off things. I like to wander around at 2AM downtown by myself. I dont believe in Fate. I do believe in Fate. I feel like i'm never meant to be happy. When I finally feel like I'm getting a hold of my life, small stupid things come back and remind me. I feel like people dont take me serious. I dont want people to judge me. I dont like it when people misunderstand me and give me dirty looks. I dont want people to think i'm immature and ditzy. I want my parents to be proud of me. When I complain to people sometimes I just want them to listen and not comment. I know i'm far from perfect and thats fine. I want to meet a sweet guy who's not a creep. I want to find a decent job that doesn't make me feel like shit. I want to be praised. I just want to forget about the past and start over. I smile almost every day even though I'm sad because I dont want my frown to bring someone else down. I used to like reading. I hate the notion of time. Life is NOT short, its the longest thing I'll ever endure. I'm jealous of the people who can sleep at night and not worry about stupid things. I wish that I didn't worry about stupid things. I feel like I have nothing that I really excel at. I wish I didn't put others before myself.

I love the feeling of laughing so hard my eyes water. I like looking at the stars at night. I like walking downtown on a brisk night. I like big dogs. I like the smell of roses. I like pretty things. I like lace-y things. I like shoes that make me look like I have long legs. I like the smell of good cologne on a cute guy. I like tall guys. I like stuffed animals. I like going out to eat. I like lounging around with a small group of close friends. I love sewing. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I like being praised. I like ballet. I like sad songs. I like it when I do something silly and i catch my grandpa laughing at me. I like playing with kids. I like making people laugh. I like having lots of energy. I like when people say thank you. I like seeing well mannered children. I like the color pink. I like white shoes. I like seeing guys who know how to dress. I like the unexpected. I like simple jewelry. I like bright lipstick. I like staying up till the crack of dawn talking to a close friend. I like gerbera's. I like going to events as a family. I like dressing up. I like being told I look pretty by someone I like. I like feeling important. I like having good one on one conversations. I like hazelnut chocolate. I like reading books that make me think even after I've finished reading it. I like mysteries. I like sappy love stories. I like walking in the rain with someone you like. I love the feeling of being in the water. I like making desserts. I like sleeping in a comfy bed. I like the feeling of waking up next to someone who cares about you. I like finishing video games all by myself. I like hearing people laugh. I like being kissed.

i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't even fucking breath it hurts so much.

this might be the longest that i've ever been down before. I just can't snap it. i'm sick and tired of work, and working 12 hour shifts. And i'm sick and tired of all this shit happening to me. Its not fair. Stood up for lunch, and brushed off for an exam mark. Stood up for lunch a 2nd time to sleep in. It hurts and i just can't stop thinking about it. Fucking sucks, that the person that started this mess is STILL the only fucking person you can think about. just kill me now please.

what an awesome day

....and by awesome i mean extremely shitty day. So now, i've experienced every type of *date*. Today i got stood up....
I dont even know why i cried. I dont mean anything to him, and he's not supposed to mean anything to me. So why did it hurt. I actually thought that he was gonna do it too. He msged me out of the blue and asked me out for lunch..... to good to be true i shoulda known. I'm such an idiot, i seen it coming so why did i cry. jerk. But whatever, i deserve it. People have been telling me that I should just forget him, and this is what i get for not listening, right. Its good that someone finally slapped me in the face and woke me up. never again....

生日快乐周明儿！！

哈哈。今天。。。。阿不是不是，昨天是我的生日。
Yeaaaah, it was zhou minger's b-day yesterday. another day another year. birthdays get less exciting each year i realized. hahah no happy happy parties.... especially if your birthday coincides with party central day. Day started out bad, then good, then bad, then good. hahah. i had my HSK test today. it was so brutal. I could read like... every 2nd word. I'm so glad i didn't do the intermediate one. dear lord. so then after i went and visited shane in the library, to kill the hour b4 i went to work. Bumped into cynthia there too. hahah fun times fun times. i laughed so hard because we somehow got on the topic of fake teeth. hahahahah and inappropriate times for a tooth to fall out. like hitting your HEAD on the ceiling. hahahahhaha. aaaah. and then i had to go to work....and he gave me a hug. haha yeah.... didn't see that one coming. And while walking to the train station i got uber bummed out because i didn't want to go to work. not at all. And when i got to kyoto like all the tables were dirty and the lunch hostess left already. and the phone kept on ringiing and customers kept on coming in. i actually almost cried, my eyes started watering and i had to go stand at the hostess stand and just breathe for a few seconds. and then CYNTHIA came in! hahah i dont know why but it made me feel a LOT better. cynthia is so nice, i swear if she were a guy.... hahaha i'm gross. But she got me a cake! she said that i looked really sad after i left. hahah i didn't know i projected that.... but yeah. cake and candy. oo-la-la. I had like 3 cakes today. if i had a meat cake i woulda had all 4 food groups. Jason got me a 水果蛋糕。Cynthia got me a chocolate cake, and Felix and Terence got me a ice cream cake at save on's. after work i went out to Iron Horse with Tara, Jamie, and Ling. we were Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Snow White, and GoGo Yubari. Everybody's costume looked really really good actually. Yup and now here i am sitting at home in front of the cpu. B-day was a good one this year, it all averaged out..... 谢谢你。

Little Red Riding Hood

大家好！你们今天怎么样？hoho 是不是很surprise见到我写的中文字？Isn't it amazing? hahaha. Anyways i just wanted 2 post a quick post. Its been like a month or soething hasn't it? Hahahah, so halloweens coming up and that means my b-day is coming up too. Yup yup. I'm being little red riding hood this year. I finished my costume today but i'm not sure how it looks. Hahah i got stuck in it yesterday cuz i took in too much. I hope it looks decent when i put it on. hahaha
But MAN was I having a horrible past month. Too much work, and too much school. I had so much trouble sleeping. har, but I think i'm better now. i think i'm doing much better about him too... hahah i'm such a silly little girl. I dont even know why I care so much about what he thinks about me. I've never cared before. But yeah. I think, as iris told me, i'm just infatuated with him right now. Because... he opens doors for me, hes tall, he speaks like 2 different languages, and... aaaah geez zhou minger get over him already. his plans for the weekend are *to get laid*. What does that say about the type of guy he is? he is totally not your type and you know that, you told yourself in china. stupid why dont i ever heed my own advice?

eeeeeerggggh

Why is this STILL happening to me. Especially at this point in time? Its been... like freakin' TWO MONTHS. And i still haven't gotten past that obsessive stage yet? Get it in your fucking head you idiot. He. Doesn't. Like. You. 他。不。喜。欢。你。I keep on saying it to myself, and i keep thinking that it's finally sunk in, but all it takes is just one tiny thought and bam, i'm crazy again. aaaarg. I JUST....i just want him to leave me alone.... so that I can finish getting over him. But then.... i dont want to just stop seeing him as a friend either.... but then, i dont know if i can see him as just a friend either..... aaaaaaaarg. fucking craig all over again. Why couldn't you worry about me or ask me whats wrong sometimes you fucking asshole, because maybe then i would finally tell you that its you that makes me sad.

i just have on thing left to say....

....thank you....
I wrote a confession yesterday. And i debated sending it or not. I opted not to. and i'm grateful....i guess. I still woulda liked to have gotten it off my chest. But whatever. So there was a China crew reunion today. A lot of people went, and I was happy to see everyone. I sat with 'him'.....yeah. I never know what to say. But it was okay. I found out....that... he has a new girlfriend.... Unng yeaaaah........ Haha, i'm actually doing pretty okay. I think I'm doing better now that I know too.... I can stop thinking about him now. haha. Because I dont go for guys that aren't single.... for obvious reasons. haha...... But yeah.... I'm glad i found out....
is it still wrong if I ask for that Scratchy doll he won for me though? ....*sigh*....

One day I will send this to you, instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

This is the day where you discover that Corinna is crazy
I'm getting overwhelmed with stuff right now and this is one of the things that has been bothering me for the longest time now. I honestly dont even know where to start....
For the first 2 weeks in China, i bet I didn't even know your name and honestly we didn't even really talk till maybe the last few weeks.... So I dont even understand why it bothers me this much. When I got back to Canada and seen you sent me an email I was really happy. I have absolutley no idea why. Okay. No. thats a lie. I was happy because I liked you a little, and was surprised that you wanted to have coffee. Those next few days in BC before i got back to Edmonton I started to worry because.... I'm weird. I often don't know what to say or how to act around people, and I'm akwardly goofy. I was worried that what has always happened to me was going to happen again. Every single person who's every asked me out for coffee or lunch or whatever ends up meeting me for 2 hours, discovers I'm crazy, and never talks to me again. I'm not even exaggerating that part. Its really degrading, and it makes me feel worthless. It hurts because people think that after a couple hours they've discovered all they have to know about me, lable me a ditz and deem it uneccessary to waste anymore time on me. I hate it when people who dont know me think they can judge me and not take me seriously, and proceed to stop talking to me.But for some stupid reason, I thought that you wouldn't do that. I actually thought that i did a decent job of being not-weird, and that you knew me well enough beforehand to be okay. But as I have learned in life, assumptions suck. I dont understand what I do that makes people ignore me. And its the worst feeling in the world to be ignored.
Please dont get me wrong, i'm not trying 2 guilt trip you, because i hope those weren't your intentions. You at least semi-stuck around for me to send you this email. Which like I said, is just one of the things that has been keeping me up at night, wandering around downtown till I dont know where i am anymore, and I need to get it off my chest.

I stand in the distance, and watch as the world passes me by. No one notices my silence. No one notices my depression. The world stops for no one. Especially not you. Not for this useless little girl.

whoop whoop

My blog page isn't loading very well so I dont know if this entry is going to work or not. BUT, i just want to comment on the outcome of this week. The sun started to shine right after Monday. yup yup. It was good. After making some good tips monday night, I came home to find out that classes didn't start till WEDNESDAY. yaaaah, that was all good. Wednesday was nice too as commented about last entry. Heehee, i was just happy because he called. I deactivated my facebook account like 2 weeks ago and I havent' talked 2 him since. But so yeah it was really unexpected that he called. Haha yeaaah i know-iknow, i wasn't the first person he called, but it still made me happy. Hahaha, i'm a silly girl. And then today I seen a big portion of the china crew! So happy. Kerlih and Cynthia are in my Premodern Chinese Literature class. Simon's in my China 301, class, and I seen Summer, followed by Tracy and Shane, followed by Tuylynn at the bookstore today. Hee hee, i get so happy when i see all those guys. *sniff sniff* Makes me happy. Hahaha, i might get to have lunches with you-know-who on thursdays too, since we are both on campus for like 4 hours. haha weeeee. yaaaay!!. Hah i'm such a little girl.
....however....I'm just a little bit scared now....whatever goes up always comes down right....aiya... scaring me now really. Several really good happy high energy days, followed by several low unhappy depressing days..... nooooo....

First day of school.

Hey-yo. Today was the first day of classes. It went pretty smooth. My first class was at 2p. Art History 212. I actually knew somebody in there! And i think the class sounds pretty neat too. So i dont think i'll drop that one. yeh-yeah. Hahaha, i actually thought that classes started on Tuesday. Hahah on Monday i was DEVASTATED. I had to close at kyoto that day...as a WAITRESS. hahah I wanted 2 go home so bad, and everyone kept on telling me i had all these side jobs to do. I left at 11pm and i actually ran home. Hahaha. Then i was talking to some friends and they informed me that class didnt start tuesday it started wednesday. It was the greatest day of my life. Hahaha. I celebrated by going to Kingsway and buying a sweater, and then going to Staples and buying some notebooks and pencils. (and thus completing my school supply shopping) Funny cuz my sweater cost more than my supplies. Hahahah. But yeah. I'm super glad class started today instead. I felt more prepared. I woke up and slowly (key word slowly) got ready, and ate breakfast, then WALKED to campus. Amazing. yup yup yup! Tomorrow however....egads. THREE back to back to back hour and a half classes. What the crap was i thinking? Then i have a night class from 6 30 till 9 30. I think that one should be fun though, I'm actually kinda looking forward to that one. yeee-haw....no wait, i hsouldn't say that....anytime i say i'm looking forward to something, that forward turns into backwards.... yeah i'll say that. i'm looking backwards to my night class.... gawd its going to be horrible isn't it. I also got an unexpected phone call from somebody today. Hahah, totally caught me off guard. But it was a nice end to a decent day.... MINUS THE SCARY DREAM I HAD.... goodness i just remembered it. I dreamt that someone close to me drove off a cliff and i partially witnessed it.... and actually now that i think about it...a few weeks ago i dreamt a friend walked up to me and shot me in the ribs...... GEEZUS whats wrong with me????

only got it for you, you know....

So i deactived my facebook account today. Its been bringing me down. Facebook really isn't for me, espcially considering how i'm one of those people who can turn into an obsessive stalker. Which is what happened. Stupid guy. *go get facebook, go get facebook, go get facebook* he says. I go and get facebook. And then what does he do? stops talking to me. Yeah it got pretty bad. I would start reading everything that he would do, and look at all his pictures, and when he would reply to other people and not me, it started making me depressed. And i would see msgs from his friends talking about how he would make out with random girls at clubs. It made me cry. Like i said, i thought he was different. Pretty bad. And pretty stupid considering that hes nothing to me nor am i anything to him...so why should he care about me.... right? *sigh* hurts so much. Why did he even try to start anything if he wasn't serious. i FUCKIN HATE that.... I think maybe i've been working too many back to back 12 hour shifts too, which made it seem that much worse. So 4 days ago right after i got off work i forbid myself from going on facebook. And i actually went cold turkey. 4 days straight of not going to stalk him. And today i went to deactivate my account, and no surprise but no one msged me at all. Its just a sign right......
*siiigh* You remind me of craig all over again, only this time i actually know that your still alive, and talking to everyone but me.....

4:11 AM. Monday August 27.

Lets count and see how many days till the next time i start crying again.
I need help, and i need it bad. Its hurting really bad right now because i feel like everyone is underestimating my problems. I feel like no one is taking me serious. I've said this before, and i'll pray for it this time maybe. I wish that one day soon, something bad will happen to me. I'll hurt myself so bad that people will finally realize that i'm 'not' okay. And finally someone will take me seriously.

things just never change.

I dunno what i was thinking when i thought that maybe you were different. But i guess i shoulda saw it coming. Lets face it. You're not. You're just like every other guy i've ever known. I always imagined that i'd be able to have some deep conversations w/ you because i thought you were that kinda person. I thought that finally i had found someone who would listen to the things i had to say, the things that i've never been able to tell anyone. But i was wrong. It was stupid of me to put that faith in you because really....you are no different. Your like everyone else. You judge me and you think you know everything about me just by a first meeting. I thought.... i thought in china, after 2 months maybe you woulda seen that. I thought you knew the type of person that i was and you were okay with that. When you wanted 2 see me again when i came back i was excited because i thought you were okay with me. But i was wrong. You did exactly the same thing that every other guys done. You based me on my looks, and when you found out that i wasn't exactly normal, you put up your wall and ignored me. It hurts. it really does. Its the thing that pains me the most when i fall for someone, and have that someone suddenly have a change of heart. Its happened too many times to me. You figured that i should be used to it by now. You make me so angry sometimes, and yet I still find myself thinking of you. I dont know why, and i really wish i could forget you. You say your different, but i find myself not believing you. I tell you that i need help...and you tell me that i dont need help. i tell you i'm in troulbe and that i'm not normal. and you tell me that i'm normal. YOU DONT FUCKING TELL SOMEONE THAT. normal is NOT crying yourself to sleep at night. normal is NOT cutting your wrists so that the pain takes your mind of crying. You say you've been there before SO HELP ME. dont ignore me like nothings the matter with me. Theres so many obvious signs that i put out, and no-one ever clues in on them. I really thought that i had finally found someone who i could finally open up to. You're such a fucking hypocrite. Everything you say and do contradicts everything. You say your tired from working, but you go out and party every night. You say you used to be suicidal, i dont see any sign of that. You say you've never slept with a girl you never knew before, and yet you go out and make out with random girls just because. FUCK, everytime i think of you it makes me upset. I dont know what the hell happened within this month. I wish you didn't kiss me in beijing, because obviously you didn't mean it. i KNEW that me and you were too different to ever be friends, so WHY didn't i listen? why did you have to go and do it... Supposidly we have a lot in common but you never notice that, you never try to find out.
Why.... why do guys i like always do this to me....

Bring on the Depression Baby

So, its been almost exactly 20 days since coming back to Etown, and within those 20 days i have already succeeded in crying so hard that i resorted to cutting myself to make it stop.
Dear God, I don't know why I do what I do, but if you could make me stop, please do..... soon. I really should've wrote this entry earlier because I've been holding this in for a really really long time now. I've hated coming back to Edmonton. I know I'm contradicting what I said like 6 entries ago but, I realize now. The first day when i was in Shanghai, I cried because I felt really isolated and I didn't know anyone. But once I got to HZ i realized that everyone else was basically on the same page as me. Everyone was far away from home, and everyone was basically living on their own by themselves w/o family and out of their comfort zone. For possibly the first time in a long long time i felt on par w/ everyone else. I wasn't constantly reminded that i live in a household where my pain is ignored and i'm treated like i'm invisible. For 60 days I lived with the same 21 students. I got up w/ them, went 2 class with them, went shopping with them and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I really hate being by myself because I can't do anything but think of what a disgrace I am. In HZ all that seemed to dissappear. I slept well, ate well and I laughed well. I was really sad when everyone went there seperate ways in Beijing and then I got really nervous about going to HK by myself. I hadn't seen my uncles in like.... 10 years and I was worried how we'd interact. But.... they really surprised me, the treated me just like a normal family member. And like.... they helped me with so much stuff. They carried all my luggage and bags and ANYTHING that i was holding at the time. fuck, in Edmonton I carry my own shit no matter how heavy it is. I just wasn't used to all this friendly help. And when it came time to leave HK i really REALLY didn't want to leave my uncles behind. People seriously NEVER help me and i was fine w/ it. Until I got back to edmonton. Like it wasn't even a gradual adjustment. First MINTUE i got back into Edmonton I was bombarded with my *loving family*. No one was at the airport to pick me up. No one could make it. I had to take a bus back home. And like I really should've been fine with that, but it turns out I wasn't. It was just too much of a drastic change. 2 months of being normal and okay and helped out, and then bam, an hour later your back to on your own again. I come home and NOTHING has changed. nobody asked me how was my trip, or said they missed me or acknowledged my existence. It was pretty hard. Everyone I knew was glad to be finally going *home*...except me. I didn't really have anything at home to look forward to....

Yeah, yeah me like that

....Sooo this is the 2nd time I've had to write this entry, because I somehow clicked a button and my post got lost. And the stupid auto save, saved right after my post was gone so it saved an empty post.... gotdamn.

But anyways. Isn't this picture beautiful??? Its a street in Hangzhou (aka HZ)... It woulda been more beautiful if that lady in the bottom left hand corner wasn't looking into the depths of my camera.... that dirty lady. But yeah.... oh HZ, i'm gonna miss you too.

But anyums. Today is Monday.... got a long ways to go till Saturday.... whats so special about saturday?? haha oh nothing.... tee hee. Hahaha. A bunch of ppl from the zhejiang group are going clubbing on saturday for T's b-day... and oh... someone might be there. hahahah i'm becoming obsessive aren't i? hahah Whaaat i've done worse before. Hmm... what else did i mention in that blog entry. Oh i remember i mentioned that when i was in HK i got my palm read. Hahaha. i love that crap. It said that.... this year i had a good school year (which i did, 3 A's baby!!) but this coming school year is gonna be a struggle (say WHAAA??) and also my immediate family is also supposed 2 get some sicknesses... oh dear. I'm also supposed 2 start having problems w/ my stomache... which is bad since i already DO have problems w/ my stomache. Um.... i think i'm missing one part.... minus the part about my love life... hahah i'll keep that to myself for now. mwa hahaa.

Um... starting work 2morrow, which is tuesday. Hopefully work will make the week go faster... why? i do not know. After all i only have one month left before... GASP classes start again.... *sigh*. Oh saturday.... i dont want to set my hopes up to high for saturday just in case all does NOT go well... but yeah i get to see my mutual coffee friend again. hahah i have to find him a shorter nickname. Welp this post looks to be about the same length that it originally was so i'll wrap it up. Lets hope that i dont delete it again!

Hohohoh

Thats all i can manage for my entry title today folks. words have left my mind. hahah. I went for a.... mutual coffee date today. Tee hee. It actually went quite well I'll say. I actually didn't have to call iris before hand and set up a fall back plan. Le sigh, where to start where to start. So, whilest in China i made like 21 new friends. haha some are mutual *hi* friends, and others are closer *gossip* friends, and then theres one friend that i never saw coming. Theres always guys that i think are goodlooking, and i like them a lot upon first meeting. But then after getting to know them for a while i start to pick up little quirks that i find annoying. This happened in china, and by the end of the 2 months all of the guys just turned into normal mutual friends. *except* for one guy. The opposite actually happened. I thought he was okay looking in the beginning, and then over time i just started liking his personality. And his quirky laugh, haha its so loud. And it was actually on again off again liking. Cuz i didn't think me and him would get along. *Until* the very last night in Beijing. One of the main things that he did that was the real kicker was that he kinda watched out for me.... yeah, i mentioned in a previous post that id like to meet a guy who would watch out for me/ stand up for me if i got in trouble. And at the club this guy smashed a bottle right behind me and it looked liek a fight was gonna break out, and my friend just stood up and stood in front of me to make sure i didn't get injured.... (swoon) hahaha. Can't see J doing that for me. And then we ended up dancing together pretty much all night. And then the next day he left for Canada.... sigh. I thought i'd never see him again. hahah UNTIL i got to BC and discovered that he somehow got my email addy, and sent me a msg asking me out for coffee!! (mutual drink people, mutual drink) Hahaha, anyways we went out for coffee today. It was much MUCH better than my blind date w/ cement man. Aaaah hes such a gentleman, haha he opened all the doors for me!! I've NEVER had someone do that for me, so yeah it was kinda akward... but sweet. tee hee. Um... some random things to mention, when i was talking w/ 4th uncle in HK i was telling him why i didn't go for a guy like J, and i mentioned something like. *one of the most important things i look for in a guy is manners*.... ironically look what i stumbled upon... hohoh. But yeah, it was just a mutual coffee w/ a friend.... i think. I like him though, hahah i dunno if he likes me..... sigh, why can't i read minds?!????

day one back in edmonton

Hey freaky-cakes,
how's my fellow non-existant viewers been? As titled its my first official morning back in Edmonton. And i guess maybe i am still jet lagged. Especially seeing as its 9 20AM and i've already done 2 loads of laundry. If this were normal C-dawg i'd still be in bed dreaming i've finished my landry. but anyums. i guess it feels good to be home.... i guess.... China was nice. It was *a LOT* more fun than i was expecting. The first 2 days in Shanghai weren't a great start, I actually cried on the bus.... haha i'm a pussy. But i was really sad that none of my friends were there and i didn't really know anyone. But it got a lot better in Hangzhou. Oh HZ i'm actually gonna miss you. It was really nice living in such close proximity with those 22 guys. Having to live in the same building, go to the same classroom, do the same stuff for 2 months really makes those guys grow on you. I woulda liked it a lot more if Iris or Cathy or another close friend was on the trip too, but ah, i dont have any regrets about going. yeaaaah. hahaha. I'm actually pretty close to unpacking everything. Theres only a few odds and ends lying around on the floor, but aside from that my 2months worth of purchases are almost completely put away. yeaaaaah. i basically horded up on socks, and swarovski beads, and (typically) shoes. hahah i didn't actually buy that many shoes. I chose my shoes very carefully, i'm not a horder like Tiff. haha
Um... HK was equally as fun. I was actually sad to leave. I was really worried that I wouldn't know what to say to my gramma and my uncles, but my uncles are the greatest. hahah. One of the first questions they asked me was *so ming-ming......do you have a boyfriend :D* hahaha. I'm surprised i didn't gain 50 pounds w/ my 6 meals a day. Basically every day for a week. I'd wake up at 10AM, and i'd have breakfast w/ my gramma. then my 3rd uncle would get off work, and he'd take me out shopping for a bit, then i would eat lunch w/ him at 12. Then at 2pm, my 4th uncle would get off work, and i would go and have lunch w/ him. and THEN at 4pm, my 5th uncle would get off work....and i would have lunch with him. Then finally, we'd have supper around 7ish.... dear lord. the food the food. hahaha. Anyums i'm gonna go and check up on my laundry before taking a nap. hahah oh naps, how i missed you.

Yo dawgs first post back in Canada

Whooo-wee its been a super long time hasn't it? Oh how i've missed you blog. *smack* This is gonna be a quick quick post because i haven't sleep in like 30+ hours. and am kinda suffering from jet lag. But china was pretty decent. I had a bad start and 2 bad days near the end but all in all it was pretty decent. I'm glad i went. I had a good time in Hangzhou and i had a good time in Hong Kong, and.... i had a good night in Beijing too... tee hee. Hahaha. okay thats all i'm gonna put for now, I'll have some recaps later when i get back into edmonton alrighty.

3:04AM

That is the time right now, as I sit and wait till its time to go to the airport.... Sigh, I dunno whether or not its because Im extremely tired, but i'm just NOT excited to go on this trip. Which is ironically *bad* considering I'm gonna be gone for 2 months.... Jeeeeezoos. I just hope It'll be better when I get there, and that I'll be able to think positively, and not get homesick. Gaaaaah. I just wish at least one of my friends was going that way I wouldn't feel so lonely. Poo-urns. Anyhoo, I guess I'm all finished packing. My suitcase is a bit heavier than I expected. I hope its not too heavy.... I swear I only packed essentials..... well... okay so thats a lie. Hahah. I'm just that girl who always thinks of eveyrhitn that she could possibly need, and packs it. Hey C, you have a bandage? (yup), scissors (yup), swiss cheese (yup), a one legged dog named ponkey? (......its in my other bag). Hahaha one of these days....Ung. Anyways I should probably go to bed and take a nap or something. Oh sigh. I just wish I could get a little more excited about this trip. I'm not even the least bit happy. The only reason i get nervous is because I'm worried i forgot something. Gaaah, i nkow so many people who would kill for an opportunity like this, and here i am... not wanting to go....
Bah, i just hope that everything will seem better when i get there.
3:14 AM (fastest post ever)

A picture, finally!

Yo all this is Quinto. I made him while i was busy *packing* Hahaha, I made it for my Gramma in HK, whom as my mom tells me, Loves sparkly things. Hahaha oh gramma so this is where i got my genes from.

Ho hum. Anyways I should be packing, but i've been packing for the past week. I think i should take a break. Hahaha, I'm taking a break by playing microsoft Hearts. I seem to sometimes be really good, and then i seem to sometimes suck... really bad. Hahah its a curse.

Blarg, so i'm going to China on Sunday. Getting a little nervous. I'm starting to have some bad dreams. Hahaha. *sigh* I'm gonna get homesick. Boo-urns. I really really wished that my family, or at least my mom woulda went back to HK with me. Cuz i'm really worried about meeting my uncles and gramma. I haven't seen them for such a long time I'm worried its gonna be really awkward. Sigh, it also makes me sad that I'm thinking about that, even considering that they are family and all. Blaargh.... yessum.

But anyways keep in touch on this blog as i intend to have a travel-blog to show off all my pic-a-tures, of all the pretty places I'm going to.... or also of child slavery... sigh. It'll be a new blog site for sure, because I plan on keepting this one a *secret* blog where i just vent. Yessum thats all for now. Next time i post it'll prolly b in the C-H of INA.

T-minus 4 days till China ladies and gents.

Hoh-yah
So the big days almost here ya'll. I dont rememember if I mentioned it in my previous entries or not seeing as I haven't posted anything in like 2 months hahah, but....so I'm going to China... yeaaaah. Hahaha i'm going for 2 months. Ugh its gonna be an uber long time. I've never been away from *home* for that long of a period of time. Unnng. what to do what to do. I'm just a little sad because I dont know anyone who will be going. Unlike all my other previous trips I wont have a best friend with me. My roomate is kinda... I dunno she's like me in a way but worse. Shes friendly I guess but like... she won't wait up for me or something if I stop and talk to a friend even though she knows we take the train together. So it kinda bothers me and I guess i'm thinking that, ....ah i dunno what am I saying I dont know the girl so i shouldn't judge. vreh.
So yeah 2 months w/o friends. In a country where I dont know my way around, am the size of a monster, and can barely speak the language. siiigh.

And then I'm going to HK to visit my mom's side of the family. I dunno why this bothers me too. But like I'm worried i'm gonna put on a bad impression, cuz theres the language barrier again. And i'm worried I wont know what to say, they'll think i'm stupid, i wont have anything to do, they'll think i'm stuck up.... aaaaall that fun loving stuff. *sigh* Hopefully it will be better when I get there. Aaaand I'm kinda tired now so i'm gonna call it a night. I keep on trying to post up pictures but my internet is to friggen slow to let me. Geeezoos

balrg

Gah, i've been trying 2 load a picture on here for the past like 2 hours i swear. I haven't been on here for a long time and i decided that i should upload a picture but I couldn't. Boo-urns.
But angry aside, Today is the last day of classes! Yah. I celebrated buy naming today *spending day* where i bought expensive lunch for myself. Hahaha. it was indeed. It was also my brothers birthday today. I bought him an ice cream cake from baskin robbins. I had to carry it from whyte have onto the bus, onto the train and back home. Did i mention its uber warm outside? Hahaha i was afraid i'd have a box of cream soup by the time i got home. But it was not. I bought my brother cinderella 3. (Aw thats cute, is he 8?) No... hes 26. Hahah my brother wants to marry cinderella.
Ahhh such an unproductive day. I was gonna do laundry but i did not. Instead I went outside onto my balcony and started a painting.... weird. Its kinda creepy actually i only put up a ground, and then i penciled in a sketch of what i wanted to paint. And then i scraped on some white paint. And then i went inside. And when i peeked outside again. The painting looked like a face already even though its only got white on it. weee-yad. And thats waht i'be been trying 2 upload for the past 2 hours. But it is not working. So instead i will just post this emtpy entry, and continue looking at these amazing bentos that this lady is making.

Creepy Dream

Hey folks, been kinda busy this month.
Also my internet wasn't working last week... so yeah... i've been going to bed uber early. Hahah but low and behold once i get back on the net i go 2 bread at like 2AM each night..... le sigh.
Anyways i have to report about a uber creepy dream i had on Monday night. I dreamt that i died. It was real weird. I was in this giant parking lot, and it was like a gang fight going on. And ppl were shooting at me, and i was shooting at thugs... haha and then this one mofo started chasing me, and i was trying 2 evade him. But eventually i got cornered on this cliff. And rather than get shot to death... hahah i decided to jump off the cliff into the raging waters below. And then it flashed forward to like... a CSI opening. and i could see my body lying on the ground and all these paramedics and ppl surrounding me. And the paramedic said "I'm afraid she's dead. If we had arrived earlier we might've been able to save her....but she's dead."
And then i woke up... creeeepy

achy head

Uuuugh. i dont relly know what this post should be about seeing as nothing really interesting happened. My best friends in town though. So yeah we will go and spend 40 bucks on sushi 2morrow. HOHOH (per person btw) hahah. Um... spring forward yesterday. worst day of my life. I hate losing an hour. Bad enough that time seems 2 magically disappear when i'm on msn. Um... yeah so i've been having a kaffufin w/ internet man. he made me angry on ....friday i guess... i dunno check w/ the previous blog. And i got angry and blocked him for a good few days. Um... i had a full day off yesterday. It was EXTREMELY unproductive. I did finally figure out how to read that crystal beading book my mom got me. i told her to buy me a crafting book in HK. and she bought me one where all the intructions were in chinese. I was like.... uh thanks. hahah but i figured them out.. YESS. i made half a mouse, half a bracelet and 3/4 of an octopus. Hohohoh. i'm going to buy some more beads on ebay when jess gets the paypal money in that she owes me. I also found that pair of white irregular choice clogs i've been looking for for like 2 years! Hohoho. its in my size to!! hahah having said that i bet you i'll miss the auction. *sob sob* i will be the saddest girl in grade number...16. Oh you, you make me sad. But alas i'm gonna go 2 bed now.

FUCK you piss me off so much

GAAAAAAAAH, i seriously finally decided that I liked you, and that when you smiled i thought you were cute. And then you go and fucking pull that stupid fucking brb stunt again. I TOLD YOU, i HATE it when guys tell me they'll brb and DONT DO IT. It pisses me off even more becuase i told you MANY TIMES. its the one of the few things that i HATE about a guy and you always go and fucking do it. Its fucking demoralizing because it makes me feel like i'm not worht coming back for. THIS is why i dont open up to guys because I put so much faith in them, only to have them fucking hurt me again. ITS FUCKING DEPRESSING. stupid shithead.

Hey pookie....

So i went on a semi*date* on friday. Hahaha. I went w/ internet man. He looks a lot different in real life. I dont want to be mean but he looks better in his pictures. Hahah, but he was also wearing a hat when i met him so we'll see. But at the same time i'm not saying i had a horrible time w/ him. It was 10X better than my forced date w/ cement man. Hahah, i wanted 2 squish his arms 2 see if he was really that muscly. O-hohoh.... but i didn't i refrained. Hahaha, I kept on stealing secret looks at him to see if i could determine whether or not i thought i was good looking or not. Hahah and i think he knew i was doing that. Hahahah he makes me laugh really hard cuz he does silly things. hahaha he's so simple, but yet like if all the stuff he tells me is true, hes been through a lot, and apparently hes fucking talented!! hahah. I'll go on about that stuff in a later entry maybe. I think he'll look better in his *thug* clothes. hahahah. OH another coincedence. I bumped into Lawrence and Pauline at the theatres when i was w/ internet mat. It was really strange. hahah cuz they always ask me if i have a bf. and i always never, and the one time i go out w/ a guy, and boom i bump into them. Hahaha. i'm so sad cuz hes so skinny! haha well hes not as skinny as J, and hes only (only PAH) 10 pounds lighter than me. but it makes me sad. Hahaha. I'm pretty sure i'll see him a 2nd time, 2 get a better judgment. Cuz i dunno why i was kinda tired on friday and i couldn't think very clearly.... just like right now, i feel like i'm gonna pass out cuz i'm so tired!! hahha sigh. Welp thats all folks, ttyl

words you say have never hurt me so much

mr d. once asked me before what i didn't like a members of the opposite sex. I told him i couldn't think of anything really, except i didn't like it when men were too girly. I actually discovered something else i dont like about men. I dont like it when they say they'll come back.... and they dont. It sounds like such a minute thing, but because its happened to me so often, it really makes me sad when it happens again. Especially when guys that i 'cared' about do it. The first time i can recal this happening was w/ my stalker-ex M. I specifically took a day off from work because it was his only day off and i wanted to spend time w/ him. We went over 2 his place to watch a movie. And within like 20 mintues of getting there, he got a phone call. And when he hung up he told me that he had completely forgotten that he promised his friend hed go to their place 2 have dinner. So he was like, i'll be back soon okay! And so basically he left me at his place, stranded w/ nothing to do.... For 4 hours. i waited like a fool.
The 2nd time this happened to me was with my heartbreaker C. i probably could've loved you. You were the guy that i knew for the longest amount of time, and the only guy who i really felt comfortable talking to. I loved him and i hated him. We had deep conversations and he picked me up when i was depressed. But at the same time, he used to disappear for long periods of times. Like i'd talk to him one day, and then it'd be a few months before i talked to him again. Just when i thought we really started getting somewhere he told me he had to go. The last words he ever said to me on msn were "I'll talk to you tomorrow" .... and he never did.
It just pains me a lot, cuz guys i care about lie to me. And that they dont think i'm worth coming back for. Its a real punch in the stomache when i think about it. So yeah, it really hurt Mr. D when we were talking last last time and you said *brb* And you went offline and didn't come back. It actually didn't bother me till today. You didn't leave me a offline msg, a txt msg, an email reply or voice msg. You just basically disappeared like everyone else. It felt exactly like M&C. I also think.... that you really arent' that interested in me. When we first met you used to send me at least an email a day. And now... its been like a week+. I told you once, and if i ever see you i'll tell you again. if you dont like me, just tell me. I'd rather find out sooner, than later and before i've fallen for you. It makes me sad too because he reminds me a lot like C. a little bit TOO much. He says the right things, and he makes me laugh and feel good about myself. But at the same time, i worry about him cuz i know craig was a player too....

if lifes gonna suck, why live it?

I'd really like an answer to that question sometime. Feel free to help me out whenever you can God. Its just really depressing to know that sometimes I feel like i have no one to talk to, no one to go to, and no one to cry too. I had a really nice time today at the Chinese New Year Banquet. I laughed lots and smiled more cuz I was with a bunch of friends. Its something that I haven't done in a really long time. So yeah it was nice. And then my fucking brothers went and ruined my day. I got a ride to T's place to pick up some stuff and change shoes. And because it started to get cold (and late) I called up my brothers to come pick me up. And they were like *tsk wehre are you* and i was like *it wont take that long cuz i'm not that far* and he was like *fuck, your 2 blocks away WALK HOME* and i got so angry. WHO the fuck tells their baby sister to walk home in the middle of the night, in the cold, in a skirt??? I fucking cried while walking home. ugh it makes me SO angry cuz they always ruin my days. I think i've lost weight, and i know i'm losing sleep. I wore my cheungsam that i wore for grad 4 years ago. And it used to be really snug. I put it on today and i could pinch like a few inches of excess material around the waist. Ugh. i go to bed so late, cuz its the only time i can study and get homework done. And then my brother wake me up at like 6AM with his alarm that he refuses to turn off till an hour later. And THEN after his shower he turns on ALL the lights in the room and makes all this noise. Its really depressing. And to top things off, i my brothers are serious inconsiderate fucks. I sacrifice so much for them, and i get absolutely nothing in return. I'm positive that my health is deteriorating because of them. I hate seeing my family unhappy. So that was the main reason why i gave my 2nd brother my room. He was sleeping on the couch for the longest time. And it made me really upset cuz he did that.... even though the most fucking easiest and logical thing for him to do would've been to share a room w/ my older brother. Because basically, both of them go to bed early, and both of them get up at the same time... so no one would be disturbing anyone. And both are heavy sleepers anyways. But whatever, so i gave my brother his own room. And instead of being grateful and happy. That little fuck, he just moved in, and i practically never see him anymore. He comes home, and goes into his room, until dinner, where he eats dinner in his room. I can go a week w/o saying a single word 2 him. It makes me so angry cuz hes so fucking stuck up and full of himself. Like hes too good to come and have supper w/ us. ARG. i just dont understand how i can be related to those jerks sometimes. And like.... what makes me really depressed is that I have no one to talk too when i really need someone. I lost my cell couple days ago. So i lost all my friends contact numbers. And my internet isn't working so i can't get ahold of any of them except I. It just bothers me a lot, cuz a lot of times when i'm angry i dont want to be at home, cuz i dont have any privacy anymore. But i dont have anyone/where to go too. Since I & C moved away i just feel really lonely a lot. And... i dunno why, but even when i do have like... jess out here or something, even still i have trouble voicing my saddness. Its like... i dont want to make others worry about me either, and like.... shes my brothers cousin too, so what is she supposed 2 say about them? Aaaah, but at the same time i know its bad that i keep it all bottled up. Anyways i gotta go now. I walked to the cybercafe btw, cuz our internet is not working and i didn't want to be at home...

arg the stress factor

hey baby cakes. I think i'm going to die tomrrow. You guys have no idea how stupidly stressful today was. I called my mom and i actually cried. Really sad. all for such stupid reasons. Its weird how one can not feel stressed out but yet really be stressed out. I didnt feel stressed at all. Till i got home and started realizing. and then i started swearing like a pirate. Ugh So pissed off. I lost my fricken cell phone. I took it to work. put it on the hostess stand. went away to do some take outs and 20 mintues later it was gone. FUCKING GONE. argh. I thought maybe i misplaced it so i looked pretty much everywhere. Including the garbage cans. AAAgh. so angry. It just makes me equally angry because i wasn't supposed to work tdoay. but i did. And it was a fucking joke. It was slower than a monday. I wasted an evening i could've been using to study for a cheesy 5 buck tip. aaagh. if i DIDN'T go to work i wouldve NOT lost my cell, and i wouldn't have been so grumpy and stressed from lack of sleep and studying. I'm actually seriously worried about my FS midterm 2morrow. I have no idea what shes going to put on it. aaaaagh paranoia. I dont think i'm gonna be able 2 fall asleep tonight either. arg. stupid stupid stupid.
......j-just.... one........more....d-d--day.....

My confession

...and this is going to be the email where you discover i'm a paranoid freak.

I really was hoping youd come online to talk these past few days cuz i really wanted to get something off my chest. It's actually been a really stressfull week this coming week and the start of last week cuz of classes and work and midterms and all. So I was really happy when me and you started talking cuz you made me really happy. And then... ugh i dont even wanna say it. But like. I started thinking.... possibly too much for my own good.
....I've been hurt a lot, really bad in all my relationships. the last guy that i seriously fell for was kinda like you, and we met on the internet to. And like, at the peak of our 'relationship' he just up and disappeared. I haven't talked to him or heard a word from him for 2 years. So yeah, all that and more has just made me a paranoid girl. It sucks and I cant help it. I've been really worried these past few days that you might do that too, or that you aren't really who you say you are. I feel like a fucking jerk for even having that thought but its what happens when you've been lied to and disappointed so many times. You start to second guess every good thing that happens in life. I'm a simple little girl, but when i like someone i fall fast, and i fall hard for them, which makes it that much difficutl when i find out all along i meant nothing to them.
...i'm sure this is exactly NOT the email that you wanted to read when you wake up. But yeah. this is me. I know you've said this to me before, so maybe its my turn to say it to you. After you read this email, and you get creeped out and dont want to talk to me anymore thats fine. I'd really rather it happen sooner than later. thanks.
Corinna.

uuunnng help me....

....i dont know what i'm doing right now.... you guys are gonna be the first ones to hear this.... its something that I haven't told any of my friends yet. But.... i met a guy....on the internet. And i think that we really get along and hit it off well. I really like him, and its really creepy but me and him have *a lot* in common. Its kinda creepy sometimes. Well, the first few days that we started talking I started to get that same floaty feeling that i used to get when i talked to.... you know who. It was really exciting haha i have to admint. But then.... ugh its so bad, i dunno if its my 6th sense kicking in, or if i'm just and idiot and worrying too much. But i'm starting to get a little bit worried. Ugh, like i dunno if hes really who he says he is or if all the stories he tells me is true. Or if hes the type of guy I think he is. Its really bothering me. At times i really really really want to talk to him, and then hes never online. And this is the first guy who i actually want to meet and actually want to call. He called me today but i missed his call. And when i went to call him back like 30 mintues later... his phone busy.... Uhhh its bothering me so much, I dont want to fall for someone again and find out hes fake. And I'm also wondering what type of person he is. I originally thought he was like... well different than the type of person I might think he is now. I'm worrying that hes another *henry*. But at the same time, the other part of me pulls little clues that tells me he can't be like henry. ARG its bothering me so much. Like his emails say one thing but i'm reading them a different way. Like.... he told me hes a really shy person, but at the same time, he called me pretty much right after he got my number. I dunno about you but shy people I know dont call girls right away. Fuck i dont call people i like until like i'm really confident about them. And then second of all, he keeps on asking me for pictures of myself.... it makes me uncomfortable cuz he asks for them almost *evertime* we talk. At first I was worried cuz I thought he might think i didn't look like my display pic, so i went on web cam for a bit. But after that he still kept on asking me for pictures. But THEN....after saying all that theres also another part of me that says hes not really as interested in me as I think he is. And that maybe hes like... doing this to other girls at the same time too. Like.... for a girl hes really interested in, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me that much. I've only talked to him online *once* for a good amount of time. And today, he came online for like 2 seconds and said, hi, then he went away. Fuck, you figure if your really interested in someone you'd stay to chat for at least a little bit more. And.... he doesn't reply to emails as often as one would figure....UUUGH FUCK, i wish i wasn't so fucking paranoid. It makes me so angry, because i think that i'm just seriously thinking way to much. And then he's really just a busy guy. and i'm gonna feel like a fucking jerk when i find out that he really is just as he says.
Fuck But i just can't shake that feeling..... uuuuuugh why does this always happen to me.... some one throw me a fucking bone, i seriously need some clarity....

I am a Sexual Predator....Oohohooo...

I'm laughing like Strongbad does in this one episode where I forget what happens and what he does.... but yes i'm still laughign like him. Hahaha. Had an excellent start to an week.... yes indeed. At least so far i'm lead to believe it will be an excellent start. But for all I know it could turn out to be really bad. which i hope it doesn't. Um... i'm starting to have faith in my tarot reading card skills! haha either that or i'm just getting easily believable people. I still need the book for every card, but the readings (as people tell me/ i find out) are creepily accurate. HOHOHO.
Um... i dunno if i mentioned before but i might be going to China in the summer... I'm kinda bittersweet about it. Like i want to go, but no one else i know will be going, and Its ALOT of moolah. and when i come back i have to pay another 5thou out my ass for tuition. Not to mention its gonna be harsh these next few months before may having so save up all this cash. I wanted to buy some new glasses and some other stuff, but all that good stuff's gonna be put on hold if i go... And ALSO i'll be missing jess' grad. And i also wanted to go to BC for a few weeks to visit iris and cathy. Arrrrg, so far all the negatives are outweighing the positives. the positives mainly being, my parents want me to go, i kinda want to go, and its supposed 2 be really cheap, considering what i get out of it, and also... once in a lifetime opportunity here. aaaarg. So yeah. its really bothering me right now. To go or not to go, that is the question.
Ugh... but aside from that, ....tee hee... naw i dont think i'll say it I'll jinx it. So i'll just keep it a little secret between me and myself for now okey! Super hard to though!! hahaha Okay gotta go now before i miss enough sleep and decide i'm elegible to miss class 2morrow.... again. Hahah bye bye

oh internet oh internet

whatever shall i do without you!!!
Soooo... my internet has been down for the past 2 weeks.... or rather more specifically, someone else is stealing the internet signal that we've been stealing.... those JERKS. haha. Well, i'm thinking that a lot of new stuff has been happening but for the life of me I can't remember the important stuff. The new Southside Kyoto opened up and Jason moved over there, so I dont have to be creeped out at work so often anymore. Hahah i'm a jerk. But like usual, after losing one creepy guy, i've gained another. Hahah i just attract em' i tell ya. Oh right, I might be going to China come May! I really want to go cuz a lot of people are telling me i should go, and also its probably like a once in a life time opportunity. If i go i'll be going w/ 21 other classmates and 2 instructors to ZheJiang University in China for 2 months. One of the main reasons that i dont know if i should go or not is that moolah is really.... REALLY tight. its such short notice cuz i thought the trip was NEXT year rather than... in 4 months. I'm supposed 2 come up w/ 5grand by the end of this month. And like, the thing is i have 2thou in my account right now, and my parents said they'll pay whatever else is left and i can pay them back when i come back. But when i come back it'll be July, and i'll have 2 months left to make another ~5thousand for Fall/Winter Tuition. And THEN, theres also the problem of spending money when if i go to China.... aaarg, right now everythings pointing to go-go, but if i 'really' think about it, its probably a bad idea.... aaaaaaah help mee jeeebus!!!!