So, its been almost exactly 20 days since coming back to Etown, and within those 20 days i have already succeeded in crying so hard that i resorted to cutting myself to make it stop.
Dear God, I don't know why I do what I do, but if you could make me stop, please do..... soon. I really should've wrote this entry earlier because I've been holding this in for a really really long time now. I've hated coming back to Edmonton. I know I'm contradicting what I said like 6 entries ago but, I realize now. The first day when i was in Shanghai, I cried because I felt really isolated and I didn't know anyone. But once I got to HZ i realized that everyone else was basically on the same page as me. Everyone was far away from home, and everyone was basically living on their own by themselves w/o family and out of their comfort zone. For possibly the first time in a long long time i felt on par w/ everyone else. I wasn't constantly reminded that i live in a household where my pain is ignored and i'm treated like i'm invisible. For 60 days I lived with the same 21 students. I got up w/ them, went 2 class with them, went shopping with them and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I really hate being by myself because I can't do anything but think of what a disgrace I am. In HZ all that seemed to dissappear. I slept well, ate well and I laughed well. I was really sad when everyone went there seperate ways in Beijing and then I got really nervous about going to HK by myself. I hadn't seen my uncles in like.... 10 years and I was worried how we'd interact. But.... they really surprised me, the treated me just like a normal family member. And like.... they helped me with so much stuff. They carried all my luggage and bags and ANYTHING that i was holding at the time. fuck, in Edmonton I carry my own shit no matter how heavy it is. I just wasn't used to all this friendly help. And when it came time to leave HK i really REALLY didn't want to leave my uncles behind. People seriously NEVER help me and i was fine w/ it. Until I got back to edmonton. Like it wasn't even a gradual adjustment. First MINTUE i got back into Edmonton I was bombarded with my *loving family*. No one was at the airport to pick me up. No one could make it. I had to take a bus back home. And like I really should've been fine with that, but it turns out I wasn't. It was just too much of a drastic change. 2 months of being normal and okay and helped out, and then bam, an hour later your back to on your own again. I come home and NOTHING has changed. nobody asked me how was my trip, or said they missed me or acknowledged my existence. It was pretty hard. Everyone I knew was glad to be finally going *home*...except me. I didn't really have anything at home to look forward to....
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