Thoughts that Should Never Cross a Woman's Mind

Original Article found here:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/cassandra-davis/2015/01/6-thoughts-that-should-never-cross-a-womans-mind/

2. It doesn’t matter anyway. We weren’t exclusive.

All right. Hold up. Everything matters when two people express their feelings for each other. He deserves all the hatred and wrath because you deserve better. You deserve the romantic walks at midnight to look at the stars, phone calls, flowers, anniversaries, and in the end, the joy of trust. If he broke your trust and your heart, that’s all that matters.

Everything Matters.... 

It wasn't just a one sided game I was playing or trying to delude myself that I was over-reacting. It mattered because Andrew implied he liked me as well and made an effort to show it. It did matter what he did in the end because it was immature and cowardly for leading me on and I guess I do have a justifiable reason to feel hurt.

I believed him.

I had a dream

A silly dream. 

I dreamt Andrew and I were still seeing each other and about to go watch a movie. I told him I had trouble trusting him and he got mad and walked away from me. 

In dream life and real life I'm not sure if I should have apologized or not and felt bad. 

I keep asking myself what was the trigger that caused Andrew to turn away from me. I'm sure overthinking is somewhere there..... but I think he had something to do with that too. I used to be really confident and happy and friendly. I like to think a lot of people would describe me as that. It was only after I started seeing you again and that last week where I started going downhill again. I don't want to completely blame you, but I think we just weren't a great match. I feed on optimism and caring and attention. I just never got that from you. I thought I tried really hard this time, and I did. The times I did slip I think were justifiable. The first time we fooled around and immediately after you didn't message me for an entire day, compared to dozens of messages a day. What would any self conscious girl like myself think? I don't know why Andrew, I liked you and I wanted to trust you, but I just couldn't convince myself. I never even added you back to my contact list after we started talking and I never told anybody I was seeing someone. I just didn't want you to become something permanent in case I had to erase you again. All your messages just came up as Unknown.

Maybe I did know.

I did try harder this time. And I think you did too. So maybe you were telling me the truth that you got back together with your girlfriend. But.... I think my reaction after you told me says something as well. I sent you a message telling you I was really going to hurt. You didn't respond back. And that was it. I deleted all of our messages and knew I just didn't want to talk to you anymore. I thought I wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to me but it really shouldn't matter. I didn't want to talk to you anymore either and that's what matters most to me. That I was tired of this game, and somehow not surprised. I didn't want to fight for someone like you. I wanted the happiness that you brought me when I saw you and when we talked but.... I didn't want the pain that came with it. The small amounts of happiness you gave me just weren't worth the sadness.

I haven't dated a lot of people, but you are genuinely the only other one that would send me on a rollercoaster of emotions. The only one that caused me to doubt myself and my intentions. I know its my fault too for being so insecure.... but.... someone who cares about you should never make your insecurities grow. And.... I think realizing that is important. Doubts grow when you give them a reason to and you're lack of interest and respect for me was a big reason.

Things I Did for You

I keep thinking I did everything wrong. That I was a horrible person to Andrew and all I did was complain. But I didn't, right? I did a lot of nice things for him. I just forget.

I said sorry for asking him to leave me alone.

I told him I liked talking to him.

I gave him 2 pairs of suspenders that I had made.

I told him he had a nice butt.

I told him he had a nice body.

I told him I liked him better than donuts.

I bought him ice cream.

I gave him cookies.

I gave him pineapple cake.

I said thank you when he brought me tea.

I said thank you when he walked me home.

I sometimes told him he was sweet

I always wanted to see him.

He knew I liked him.

I sometimes said Good Morning and Good Night.

I replied back within reasonable amounts of time.

I asked about him.

I wanted to know what he liked

I wanted to know what didn't like.

When I thought he was struggling I tried to help him.

When he told me he was getting back with his girlfriend I didn't get mad at him.

I didn't tell him he should have chosen me.

I just told him that he made me hurt.

And I just told him to grow up and treat her better.

I just wanted him to be happy.

I just wanted him to like me.

I just wanted to see him because it made me happy.

I had trouble giving you handshakes. I told you so many times that I had problems. I guess it was my fault for thinking you could accommodate me. For thinking you would understand me. I thought you were an introvert, and maybe you were, but it doesn't mean you and I were the same. I could open up to you sexually and you the same, but that was all. Both of us couldn't go any further than that. I want to think you are broken too, just like me.

But I can't depend on that. 

I just need to know that I tried, and I was a good person. Someone will like me for exactly who I am one day. And they won't make me feel bad for being broken. 

I miss the idea of someone

I miss the idea of Andrew.

I keep thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will text me. I keep thinking of all the things he and I did together. I keep wondering if he thought I was a bother and that's why he wanted to erase me out of his life.

I miss feeling like someone thought about me. I wish Andrew stayed.

I keep on having roller coaster emotions. In daylight and when I'm around people I'm okay, I feel like Andrew was a jerk and I see all the immature things he did. But when it gets dark and I get home and I try and study I think of him and I wish I could message him and wish he would say sorry and come over and give me a hug.

I wish he chose me.

Even though I think I knew it wasn't right. I felt really nervous around him all the time. But I just wanted him to like me. We never really talked about anything else except for sex. I wish he would start deeper conversations with me about philosophy and hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wished he would have asked me to look at the stars at night and hold my hand and want to go for a walk. But he never asked me much about myself. I always wanted to learn about him and hoped that he would teach me things he knew. But.... it just never happened.

It wasn't meant to be, C. Stop being sad. Stop missing Andrew. He was never good for you.

Texts from your Ex

Just kidding.


I had a dream that Andrew apologized.

D:

Anti-Epiphany

I had an anti-epiphany in Business Law Class today. Epiphanies usually strike people at random moments and enlighten them. I called this one an anti-epiphany because it did everything except instead of enlighten it took me a step backwards.

I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.

Was I the other girl?

Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?

His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....

And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.

It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I  had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).

I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself  'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.

THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.

So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.

So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week

I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.

Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.

Domo Arigato

I feel like Robot-o

I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.

It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.

A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.

I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.

I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.

I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.

I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.

Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.

I paused because I knew what he was talking about.

If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.

Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.

NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........

and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.

I messaged him because I did miss him.  And I said Sorry for what I did before.

Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.

Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.

I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.

Goodbye, Andrew.

I'll Take You're And Idiot for $1000, Alex

The answer to all last post's questions are simply this:

He was getting back together with his ex.

Oh, yes of course, what else could it have been. Silly me.

Of course I hurt. I'm going to hurt for the next few weeks.... maybe a month. I know what will happen. I'm just not looking forward to when it happens.

I'm like a teenage white girl drama queen

Wow, wow, wow.

Who woulda every thought that I would use that phrase to describe myself.

I shouldn't deny it because its true.

I hooked up with Weird Awkward Guy.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Who am I and what am I doing.

So, the day after the end of UPS Man, I was really upset that he played me like that. (Even if you all say he was just being friendly). I was still in disbelief and... so I did was any normal white girl would do and I messaged a boy that the last words I ever said were "I don't want to talk to you anymore".


The entire year and a half I thought about him. I thought that maybe I was being too selfish and expected too much from him. I was comparing him to Dave, and when he didn't do things I wanted or expected, I got mad. I thought it was my fault and I was being immature. He put up with all my whining and complaining, he said sorry to me all the time. So it was my fault and I messaged him first.

Why are Boys Mean. Why Can't They Just Be Nice and Not Lie.

He replied back and we've been talking since.

Well. Since Wednesday anyways.

Everything was going really good. We were talking every day. I actually saw him in person several times and sometimes he would bring me tea. I thought everything was going good. He was sweet most of the time and answered all my nosy questions. He was pretty busy though and usually 1 out of 3 times I asked him to hang out, he would have some other commitment, but I thought that was normal. And then we fooled around. And then a week later we had sex. But he still talked to me after that. I thought everything was going really good. He said he wanted to hang out with me last week before going on a family trip to Canmore for the weekend. But our schedules didn't match so we never met up. He said he wanted me to take him to eat Chinese Food when he got back.

But when he got back he was a huge jerk. He started doing the whole no need to reply to me thing. It was a huge change. I didn't get a good morning or good night anymore. It took him several hours to reply back to me and his reply was non conversation starting. I was feeling pretty dejected again. I didn't want to bug him too much, maybe he was busy or tired. So I just waited. One or two messages on Monday. A small conversation on Tuesday and one message on Wednesday.

So I asked him. Why the lack of messages suddenly? You used to message me numerous times a day?

No reply.

And then it passed midnight so I knew he had read it and went to bed.

I was mad. Really really mad. What the fuck is wrong with you, I thought. Seriously, what is your problem and why do you think this is a game? And then I remembered that's what had pushed me over the top last year. His sudden development of I'm an Asshole Syndrome. It totally happened last year too and I remember him being cocky and 'oh well' attitude. I was so mad. If your busy you don't have to reply right away, I get it, but have the fucking decency to reply before you go to bed you Asshole. I wish SO HARD that he would get a taste of his own medicine.

And so, I sent a message and called him a huge Jerk, and that if he wasn't interested he could have the decency to take 10 flipping seconds out of his super important life to let me know and to please don't play games with me.

And of course. No Reply.

Someone tell me that I'm not being to demanding and that he's being a jerk.

I have no idea what is going on between us. Did I hook backup with another Fuck Boy? Geezus Christ. I DON'T GET IT !!
I genuinely thought he was interested in me.......but the more time that passes the more I'm starting to think he just wanted sex?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I dunno, What an Asshole !!!!

Why did I start talking to him again. You're a fucking idiot, C.

Update:

I talked to anybody and everybody that I could talk to yesterday that wouldn't think I was bat-shit crazy. The last person I talked to was my studiomate and confidant, G. It's funny because everytime I talk to her about a boy she always shakes her head and laughs at me. (Just like I shake my head and laugh at N). She most likely does this because she thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing. And at first I was kinda upset. I don't think she understood how flipping Ironic this turned out to be. How from day 1 to Saturday, as time passed, the scales tipped and the outcome unfolded. I just thought it was "Hilarious" like a mean game hilarious.

The one thing though, that G said to me that initially I was really hurt by was:

You Missed Your Chance.

That's all that happened, C. He probably did like you. He liked you enough to ask you out for coffee. Twice. In a guys rule book. Twice is enough. You don't ask again. My defense was I didn't say no. But I guess it doesn't matter. He asked you out and you brushed it off. But he still had to see you almost every day. So what else was he supposed to do? He could still be friendly (and maybe flirty) because he had to see you every day.

So..... that's it. Maybe he actually was single or maybe he really was just ridiculously friendly. But you know what. It doesn't matter anymore.

The only thing I feel right now is I feel stupid for asking him out because his reply was so ..... so ..... disgusting, now that I think about it. I have a girlfriend..... and thanks, you're sweet. Here comes the hate, Hahahaha. No matter what actually happened I will still think he was messing around with me towards the end.
He didn't have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He didn't have a girlfriend and was interested.
He did have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He did have a girlfriend and was interested.

I gotta stop dissecting this. It's just sad to me no matter what.

But I'll be okay. This one hurts way less.

Still in awe

So here's the story that resulted in the worst possible outcome I could imagine.

On Friday. I didn't have class or work. I had the whole day off and no plans. So I was just gonna loaf around the entire day.

But then the chain reaction started.

I decided I was going to go donate blood. So I got ready and heading over to the clinic. On the way down to catch the train I bumped into brother F. Wow. Kinda random. I've never bumped into my brother before even though we live and work quite close. So anyways I get to the Donor Clinic and get my veins on. They work! Horray! I sit and eat soup for who knows how long. Get up and leave and while waiting for the train to go back. I bump into brother T. Whoa. Now that is really weird. 2 brothers in the same day. It kinda spooked me and I was thinking what else was gonna happen today !
Anways, I eventually get on the train to go to Londonderry. More specifically to McDonalds because I was on the prowl for the last Hello Kitty Toy. I get off the train and JUST miss the bus. DANG, now I gotta wait 15 mintues for the next bus. Oh well whatever. So time dwaddles on and I get to Londonderry. McDonalds does not have the toy I am looking for so I book it outta there. I'm leaving Londonderry and I see my bus coming. I'm not going to make it, its a red light.

OH FUCK IT.

And I ran. And of course I caught the bus and made it to the train station in record timing. As I'm on the train heading back downtown I see some Golden Arches right before I pull into Stadium Station.
So.
I decide to get off.
I get off and walk to the McDonalds and there is a new Hello Kitty Toy there !!!
Excitedly I walk back and I hear the train coming.
I book it again but this time I don't catch the train. So. I'm sitting there waiting. With my bags and my Happy Meal, and I'm deciding how to get to gramma's next. I could get off at Central Station and catch the bus on Jasper because there are more busses there. Or I could get off at Churchill and wait for the one bus that comes there. The train comes and I get on. Still can't decide. Finally I figure getting off at Churchill will be faster. So I get off.

But.
Instead of walking to the bus stop to catch the bus.
I decide to walk to my grandparent's place instead

And during that walk, which so many decisions and timings and missed busses lead me to,

I bumped into UPS man.

I walked almost right past him because I didn't recognize him. I took out an earphone in case he wanted to chat, and I heard him motion to his friends to go on ahead and he would catch up.

And we chatted for a bit.
He asked why I wasn't at work and I told him I didn't work anymore. That I was back in school.
He laughed and said, "You quit because I stopped showing up right!"
And I panicked and laughed and said maybe.
He told me they had just finished some hearing at the ASA building about demolishing some historical buildings, yadda yadda. We talked about his broken hip. And then that was it.

He left and I left the other way

I thought. Holy Shit. How did that just happen. That After 3 months of not seeing UPS man I bump into him here. And I was really kick ass happy. It was a really good day. I went and saw my grandparents and had my happy meal and then went to the studio and started sewing the yellow ranger hoodie. It really was a good day!

It really was a good day

It was a good day if it had ended there and I never woke up again.
But of course I did.
And I woke up with the idea that I should ask UPS man out. All that stuff happened for a reason (I will eventually get to that reason).
So. I decided I was going to ask UPS man to the mid Autumn Lantern Festival.
I got to work and opened up Facebook and started to get shaky hand syndrome. Heart was racing like I did when the UPS van pulled up but it was only fake UPS man.
12pm rolls around and I compose a simple message:

Hey.....uhm.... do you wanna go to a mid-autumn lantern festival tonight?

It took me an hour to hit send.
Someone stop me from doing this. Someone stop me from doing this. Kept repeating in my head.
But nobody stopped me and I sent it.
The self help book that Dave had given me after our break up told me. If you are having trouble making a decision or deciding what to do, ask yourself. 'What is the worse thing that can happen, and will you be able to accept that?'
And I said.... Well.... the worst thing that could happen is he would say he's already got plans, or worst worst case No, I'm not Interested" And... I would be sad for a little bit but I would get better.
So I sent it.

Jeff's reply was:
Hey I would like to but I've got daughters ....... and a girlfriend
Thanks tho. You're a real sweet girl Corinna


....... No C, you were wrong. That is the worst thing that could have happened.

He has a fucking girlfriend?!!!
I could not stop saying WOW for a good 10 minutes yesterday.
HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND

Is this a normal fucking thing to do? For a guy to seemingly flirt almost every time he sees her, tell her she looks nice, or tell her dress is nice, or find out her name and address or pull over in the middle of Jasper and stop and give her candy? But have a girlfriend in the back pocket?

Shit C, he's just really really friendly.

Well FUCK YOU friendly. You can go be friendly to someone else.

Well.
It turns out UPS man not only had kids but he also has a girlfriend.
I'm passed shocked.
That really would have explained the whole divine intervention thing earlier.
Jesus Christ.

I Fucked Up

I Fucked Up, You Guys. 

I shouldn't have messages UPS Man. I'm can feel myself slipping into the sadness again. 

He didn't message me back and I feel absolutely horrible. I few stupid and I'm constantly wondering why. I thought he wanted to get to know me. He always said nice things to me when I saw him at work. So what happened? Did he think I was a loser? Did he think I was immature? I feel sad and stupid. 

I feel sad that he would judge me based on my Facebook life and he didn't even try to get to know me. 

I feel immensely sad. Sad and stupid all over again.  I'm not supposed to let those kind of guys get to me anymore. If they aren't willing to invest time in me, then they aren't worth my time either. 

But I feel sad and can't stop thinking. He must think I'm a huge loser. 

What a meanie. 

Shit

shit. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiit.

The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.

Ugh.

So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.

Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.

If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.

Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.

So.

I think I'm not supposed to ask UPS Man out.

I keep trying and trying and trying and I just feel like something is preventing me.

Ever since.... I don't even know when, the one day where I suddenly realized I liked him is the day it all started going downhill.

I've been trying for the last 2 months to ask him out. He had asked me out for coffee previously a couple times, and my coworkers always say he's flirting with me. In June, right after I got back from Vancouver is when shit started going down. That day after he gave me candy at the bus stop, I decided I was going to ask him to The Works Festival. And of course, the following 3 days he never came to drop off parcels. 2 weeks went by and other UPS guys started coming in. I'm under the assumption he went on vacation with his kids.
Strike 1.

He finally came back and I saw him once.
The next week I decided, I was going to ask him to go to K-Days. K-Days lasts for 10 days, he normally comes 3 times a week. I've got great chances right?
Wrong.
10 days went by and not only did I not see UPS Man, I never even saw the shadow of a van.
I felt super sad last Friday.
Strike 2.

K-Days is over and a couple of my friends are still telling me to go for it. Ask him to Heritage Days, they said.
Oh I will. Just you see.
So. He came on Monday.
The catch?
I didn't work on Monday. Because I covered for someone on Sunday. 

Today, I saw a jewelry order shipping notice come in and knew that UPS would deliver it today or tomorrow. All day my GM was asking me if the jewelry came in. "I expressed it so it should be here ASAP!!" 

3pm rolls by and I hear the screech and breaks of the UPS van. I actually panicked for a brief couple seconds. 

This is it. What are you gonna say to him? The same shit you've been talking to yourself about every single day? 

Whatever just wing it and see what happens.

I look up and see an untucked uniform. 

It's a different UPS man. 

I wanted to laugh but I wanted to cry even more. I told a bunch of friends and they laughed and thought it was funny. I thought I was going to cry again. 

I keep trying to persuade myself that it's a coincidence, a coincidence. Every new week I say I'll try again. And again. And again. 

I think I need to accept that I'm not meant to ask UPS Man out. 

I think I'll end up hurting again because I already do and I have no idea of the type of person he is.

I really, truly, genuinely wish I didn't turn into such a pathetic person as soon as I like someone. 

Super super bummed guys.

It's Friday and guess what. No UPS man.
He normally comes like 3 times a week to deliver things. And of course the week I decide to ask him out again is the week he doesn't come at all.

It's not fun at all.

I feel like crying. Who thinks this is funny doesn't really how shitty this makes me feel. It took me a long long long time to get over Dave. A long time and I almost killed myself. Almost over dosed on sleeping pills. Then you sent Ponyboy to me to fuck things up even more. Sent me a fucking fuckboy to help me get better. Then you sent me Weird Awkward Guy. WAG who fucked with my head so hard I relapsed and had a break down at work.

This isn't fun.

I don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I want someone to spend time with. But not take over my life.
But I know the only person I should rely on to keep me happy is myself and when I'm dating I turn into an idiot

This makes me so very sad.

What the Mint Chocolate Chip

This is just the most frustrating thing ever.

Every time something comes up that I think about asking UPS man to, HE STOPS COMING IN.

I dunno what to do guys. It's getting stupid. I'm getting stupid.
Seriously what the fuck. It's just super annoying because it just feels like someone is messing with me. All the fucking time.

Is someone trying to tell me something? Is asking UPS man out going to ruin my life? Jesus Christ, if so just fucking say so and stop fucking with my head like this.

A million sign seem to be telling me don't do this, C. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

I just wanna go to K-days with a cute boy. What's wrong with letting me have that.

Lack of Sympathy?

Studiomate and I got into a deep argument yesterday over Fashion World Politics.

She said I don't understand and I think she doesn't see what I see.

It's deep.

I can't tell if I'm being naïve and thinking I'm innocent because I'm not involved in the Edmonton Fashion Industry the way she is. I like doing small markets and being friendly and only having to worry about one design at a time. I don't have to worry about collections or schedules or stepping on peoples toes.

Recently a friend of G's moved back to Edmonton from London. And since then shes 'opened her eyes' about how wrong Edmonton's take on Local Fashion is. Consignment only and high consignment rates. Designers are basically being gouged. And that I believe is true, and why I don't want to sell at stores anymore. But G and I are walking down 2 different paths. She's a name in the Edmonton Fashion Scene, she knows Important People, she's looking at fashion from an Industry perspective. I don't. So I think we don't see eye to eye on certain things in this aspect.

Since London moved back to Edmonton, I've been non-stop hearing G complain about how this is wrong and that is wrong and Designers are being screwed. Bev this and Bev that. This is how its done in London and so on and so on.
I want to say. We are not in Fucking London. And I don't know if that is the wrong take on this.
G has been going on and on and on about how things have to change in the Edmonton Fashion Scene... and yet.... She isn't willing to change....

So. Couple weeks ago G got approached by a clothing store in Edmonton to partake in a charity auction event. Designers are to proved the clothing store 2 dresses. 1 for a Local Celebrity to wear and be bid on. The highest bidder then wins the 2nd dress made to their size, as well as a pop up shop day at the clothing store. It's actually a ridiculous prize if you think about it. The designer really has nothing to gain and the clothing store gets positive press, and commission from the sales of the pop up shop, while the designer loses 2 garments, time and money. I thought that was BS. Yes. We agreed on that.

But somehow G got suckered into doing it. After much persuasion she finally said okay and decided to donate 2 dresses from several seasons ago. 2 dresses that have been sitting here not moving. And now I've been hearing her huff and puff about it. London was also asked to partake in this event and sent an email to the clothing store organizers asked 'Just exactly what do the designers get from this event? We lose money on giving away not one but two free garments, so how is this beneficial to us?" The answer was, you get lots of press, and important people will be seen wearing your designs.
G was talking to London on speaker phone on Monday and they both laughed. 'Wooooo, who's going to be there? The Metro Paper?!! lololol" And... I just.... what do you expect. I didn't understand why they thought press was nothing. I mean, it certainly isn't a gold medal prize but that paper gets around just as much as the EJ. And then the next shock came to me. The clothing store contacted G and told her that the mayor's wife called in and requested to wear G's design. Whoa. That's pretty big and cool and Awesome. But then, while G and London were talking, G kept saying how she didn't think London should do the event and back out, and she wished more people would back out. London said G should back out too, but G's answer was 'If it was anyone else but the mayor's wife, I would back out in a heart beat'.
I was really surprised.

She was copping out.

Telling people not to do the event, not to do the event, not to do the event. But oh no wait, I'm going to do the event.

She is hands down currently London's biggest supporter, but from someone else's perspective it would seem quite the opposite. I don't think she has once, during this entire event let the clothing store know of her displeasure, or sent an email back agreeing with what London had to say. She kept her mouth quite and out of the battle.

Her argument to me was You Don't Understand.

If I back out I'm going to slap all these people in the faces. This clothing store has been there for me and helped me out. They are important people. Me backing out would be the equivalent of saying FUCK YOU to them. I would never be able to show my face in the Edmonton's Fashion Scene again.
You Don't Understand

I thought about this all night yesterday. And I can't tell what is the right thing to do.

G is always talking about a movement to change the fashion industry here in Edmonton. But the way I see it, she has never been willing to make a move herself. Never voicing her opinion aloud or to anyone else but me and London.

It takes one person to start a movement.You shouldn't complain if you aren't willing to do something yourself.

Bummer Man

UPS Man is growing on me :(

I know because I felt a little sad when he didn't show up today.

I've been thinking a bit since that day my co-workers creeped him on FB and I'm not sure why but suddenly I started getting nervous when I had to talk to him. Last week when I came back from Vancouver I gave him a small package of the Strawberry Crunch and Aero chocolate bars. On Monday he asked me where I got them from and laughed and told him Vancouver.
Didn't think anything of it.
On Tuesday I left work early for a doctor's appointment. While waiting at the bus stop, UPS Guy pulls up and stops to chat, then gives me candy! Reciprocation. So of course, I got really excited and got the stupid brain thinking. If I see him this week I'll ask him if he wants to hang out. If not, its a sign and not meant to be.

I'm gonna ask him out.
YEAH.
I'M GONNA ASK UPS MAN OUT !!
THE NEXT TIME I SEE UPS MAN I'M GONNA ASK THAT GUY OUT.
YEAH !!!!!!

So, not only did I not see him the rest of the week, someone other UPS guy came in today.
It was like a mean, mean joke.

Your Hair Looks Nice

UPS Man told me my hair looked nice today.

I think I have a crush on him now.....

We'll. It's been a crush in building. He reminds me of Kevin Spacey who I have a mad crush on after watching American Beauty and The Usual Suspects.
Anyhow, he always chats with me when he comes in.

And did I mention he's cute?

A Perfect Date

Weird things happen when you least expect it.

It's been a while since I last posted, and I only post things when my heart hurts, or something unusual happens that makes me feel special.

So I went to Vancouver last week for a small vacation and to visit Iris and maybe catch up with a few other friends. I didn't have any plans set in stone except to do a little shopping. Very little because I only brought a small carry-on. I came back yesterday and I'll have to say it was a really nice vacation. I didn't have an itinerary or anything so I never felt rushed, and didn't have to wake up to an alarm clock. It was nice.

And something I wasn't expecting to happen, happened.
I may have developed a small crush on the old Office Weirdo. He moved back to Vancouver the week I went to Japan and we still keep in touch. He's super weird but also just like me. And we get along really well. Anyhow, I let him know I was coming to town so we met up on Tuesday Night. He came and picked me up at the Waterfront Station and gave me a big hug, opened the car door for me and then took me to his favorite pizza place for a quick bite. Then he drove to North Vancouver and took us to a hidden little spot right underneath the Lions Gate Bridge by the waterside, pulled out blankets, built a small fire and then roasted s'mores. It was a super amazing view and really, really sweet. The funnier thing is he bought a Kinder Surprise and inside was little toy ring.
Straight out of a Romance Novel, right?

Treat every single person in your life the way you want to be treated.
If they don't treat you fairly or make you feel bad about yourself. Leave.
Don't expect anything. Don't apologize if you shouldn't. Don't cry.
You won't hurt if it was the right thing to do.

I forgot

When I went to have dinner with Andrew that night at Japonais Bistro, I was so preoccupied that I forgot to take a photo of my food. That's never happened before :(

I wish I never met you.

2014 was doing great until you and your uncaring self came into my life. Now I'm just a stupid mess and I have no one to blame but myself for letting you get under my skin. I just can't shake you.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.
But I miss Andrew.
Well, I miss the little attention he gave me anyways.
Do I regret saying goodbye. .......
No.
No I dont. He was mean and inconsiderate. I really hope that wasn't his intention and he really was Weird Awkward Guy but he hurt me a lot.
When I think back to everything that happened and didn't happen, this was exactly what would have happened eventually. The ball was always, always, always in your court. You just never played. You would send me risky photos and only reply back when it was convenient for you or if we talked about sex. Never a serious conversation. You always said you were shy and never talked about yourself and of course I couldn't believe you. You were such a contradiction. You always left me hanging and waiting and never saw the necessity to reply back to me and acted like nothing happened after you blew me off. After dinner the one time we met you just walked awy from me in the parking lot without even saying good bye and that stunned me. Maybe you really are completely oblivious, but even if so, you aren't what I needed. Even if I pretended you were.
Maya said you were a nice guy. I just wish you could have extended the same courtesy towards me as you did her.
Even though it hurts so much, I'm glad I found the strength to let you go. 

January 26th

It's both Andrew and Dave's birthday today.

Comfort Zone

I stepped out of my comfort zone by deciding to chase a guy that was the exact opposite of me. Someone who was the reverse image of the last person I dated. I thought it would be different. I thought I could learn more and grow.

It turned out they weren't very different after all. 

They were all liars. 

Now it's called Concealed Depression, eh?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lexi-herrick/11-habits-of-people-with-_b_6384062.html?utm_hp_ref=canada-living&ir=Canada%20Living

"Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it's difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so."

Did you hear that you numbskull.

One Trip a Year

Once a year I have a really bad week and start talking sleeping pills again, then I have a really worrisome experience and trip, and put the pills away for the year. 

I had a conversation with B on Monday night while the sleeping pills were kicking in and this is what the convo went like. A little bit alarming, no?

I told him I would take the pulls until Friday and stop.  

The following night I ate an entire bag of kitkat bites, had 2 full conversations with friends via text and replied 6 times to a post my friend put on my wall. 

I remember almost none of this. 

So at the caution of a couple friends, I put the Zopiclone away. Now I'm just hoping I can get a good night's rest  normally. 

Take care, everybody. 

Doing Okay

Hi Sports Fans,

Just wanted to check in. I'm doing a lot better today. Forgot to take the zopiclone until it was too late, so now I'm just up and aware and re-reading my last message to Andrew. (Omg stop, I know)

It doesn't feel so bad today, I read it and it doesn't make me as sad anymore. Time heals all, I guess. 

Of course I'm still wondering how he's doing and how he reacted. Worst case scenario he thought I was being a mega bitch and deleted everything I've ever sent as well. Best case scenario is he re-reads it every night like I did and thinks of everything that happened....

 I'm a Puta, I know.

I'm my biggest enemy. I'm always trying to prove myself to myself but of course I'm never good enough. When I think back I was always trying to prove myself to him. To show him that I was smart and eloquent and knowledgable. The last few times I re-read that message I felt really selfish and naive. Ill never make it past this stage if I don't stop beating myself up every time someone likes me or gives me a compliment. I'm sure Andrew and I would never have happened as we were so different but.... Ah I dunno. Don't think so much, C. 

Anyways, I think I wrote a really good comment/response on FB regarding an EJ article. It sounds really professional and I think Andrew would have enjoyed reading it..... :(

The Irony

I'm pretty subdued right now from the zopiclone. Thankful actually do I was pretty quiet and mellow todat at work. One thing  I found interesting  about today is the people who noticed something was wrong. My GM and our UPS guy. All of them pretty much strangers and yet when I said hi and smiled they saw past my fake smile and asked me what was wrong.

How funny, the people who barely know you can tell more about you than your actually friends.

And then somehow..... you're in another place

I'm super lucky I started taking zopiclone again. I'm positive I would be a mess if I wasn't. It makes me not want to eat anything, and anything I do eat tastes like metal but.... It mellows me out. I don't feel sad at all. It's good.

Andrew has been the most confusing boy I have ever met. Gabby and Brendan and Ryan and all my other friends are right, when I think about it. He caused me so much pain and we weren't even dating. How worse would it be if we were. I know a lot of the downfall had to do with myself. My expectations and my lack of self confidence probably helped put the distance between us. It's not all my fault I know, but it's not all his fault either. He was really really bad at communicating and paying attention to things I told him. I told him a lot of problems that I had or things that bothered me and he didn't do a single thing about them.

I like getting good morning messages from you, Andrew.

And then you stopped saying good morning to me. I just don't understand.

I tried to stop talking to you right before the Christmas Break. I felt devastated that first day you ignored me. I told you the things that you were doing that made me hurt and you ignored me. I had a break down. I thought I got better as more time passed. Everyone told me to forget about you and that you were immature. Move on. So I tried and deleted your number and all your messages.

And then you messaged me several days later. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
I ignored it.
And then you messaged me again the next day. Hope you are having a good day, Corinna.
And I ignored it.

You kept liking photos of mine on Facebook and in one weak moment I messaged you back. We talked for a couple days, but every time I just felt sad. I complained a lot to you, I know. But you weren't helping either. It felt like you weren't even trying to have a conversation with me. And you would reply back when it was convenient for you. And so of course I messed up again. On New Years Eve I got sent home work early because I was sick. I had spent almost 3 days just lying in bed sleeping. But you were still messaging me. You asked me what I was doing tonight and if I had plans. Silly me thought you wanted to do something with me. So I told you I wanted to go see the fireworks. I thought you would come with me. But you didn't. You didn't even reply. So I got mad. I got mad and told you that you were boring, that you never asked me to do anything except ask how I was doing. And of course you ignored me. I'm surprised because I actually wasn't even that upset. I just went and saw the fireworks by myself.

And I tried to stop talking to you again. I deleted your number and your messages again. I blocked you on Snapchat and I blocked you on Facebook and I blocked you on Instagram. I knew that if I didn't, I would find some stupid reason to message you again, or post photos that I was hoping you would see. I wanted you to go away.

But at the same time I was hoping you would message me again.

And you did. 6 days later you messaged me and said you knew I wasn't doing very well. You already had plans for NYE. And you hoped I was doing better in 2015.

During those 6 days when I didn't talk to you I hoped and hoped and hoped you would message me.
Just so I could ask you to leave me alone. Because I think that is the only way I can be normal around you. If you aren't here.

I thought all day of what I wanted to say to you and I replied right after 5pm.
I know and I'm sorry.
Every single time I talk to you I feel happy for about 2 hours and then I feel stupid and regretful and the years and years of depression suffocating me.
I sent it right after work so I wouldn't get distracted and I thought I could have an actual non-interrupted conversation with you. I thought we could go for delicious Seafood Udon Soup and Kyoto and I could pay for your meal and we would be even, and I would say good bye.
But of course that didn't happen.
He didn't reply.

So I just said Goodbye.

I can't play with you anymore, Andrew. I'm really sorry. If you have even the tiniest bit of respect for me, I beg you to please stop talking to me and please leave me alone. Every time I see a message from you now, I don't know what to say or do to start feeling better. I had to block you on all my social media sites. I'm sorry but its the only thing I knew how to do to prevent myself from contacting you again.
All I've ever wanted my entire life was to feel like I mattered to someone. But when I try to have conversations with you I feel so disposable. I haven't felt the depression this bad in in almost 2 years and it all started coming back after I met you. You were such a wonderful person when we first met and I don't understand what happened. Probably me. I told you to backhand me if I ever started whining too much, remember.
I wish you the best of luck in 2015 and I hope you have a wonderful birthday surrounded by people you love and can be yourself around. I'm sorry I can't return your dinner to you
"There is no cure for the common cold and there is no cure for the affection affliction" - Except Time.
Goodbye Andrew.

That's the jist of the message I sent. Maybe it was a bit more poetic. I can't remember the zopiclone had kicked in by then. I'll probably read it one more time when I get home and I'll delete it. And I hope that's all I need.

I feel really good right now. Good meaning I don't feel anything. Quite numb. Like my brain is cloudy and not capable of thinking.

It feels wonderful and I hope it doesn't stop anytime soon.