A Silent Voice

 When I was still talking to PBC last week he mentioned an anime called A Silent Voice.  Rather, he sent me a Cinema Therapy clip where they reviewed the movie.  I really like that channel and it piqued my interest to watch the movie, so I did.

I definitely don't think PBC sent this to me for that reason, but I see that movie as being about us.  PBC was Ishida and I'm either Nishimiya or the best friend that tries to be his best friend after barely knowing him.  Curtis was not a good person when I first met him almost 10 years ago.  But I still liked him and I wanted to be friends.  I just moved on with my life though trying to be a better and stronger person.  Whether or not I succeeded in that is a different story, but we crossed paths again almost a decade later.  He reached out to me and apologized for being a bad person and said that he was trying to atone for some of the bad things that he did.  That I was one of the people that popped into his head from time to time as a regret.

I smiled like Nishimiya did and said its okay.  It didn't hurt.

I think it did though.  I just forgot.

I can't say it was all PBC who turned me into a self loathing person, of course.  That's all me.  But that movie did hit home a little.  The X's on the faces is something I didn't know why it resonated with me, until I watched the Cinema Therapy breakdown.  It's cause he wasn't looking people in the eye and recognizing faces.  Which is what I remember not being able to do.  Back in my blog post years ago when I first met PBC.  I literally said "I couldn't look him in the eye".... and I know I did that with more than just him.

I felt like him and I are Ishida and Nishimiya.  Just like how I always smile and try to think of the positive side of things.  Even though I'm likely hurting a lot inside.

Obviously he doesn't know this.  I think he thinks he is Ishida and that's it.

I Feel the Most Normal I Have Ever Felt...

..... but so why do I still not feel good enough?.....

Why am I so unlovable....  Really what is wrong with me that's just to overwhelming and abhorring?  

When I try and be myself its too much and too annoying.  When I try to be who I'm not and hide in a shell it's still too annoying.  I really don't know what I'm doing wrong that makes me so unlovable.  That makes men lose interest in me after 2 weeks.  Why.

I don't get it, I've been really taking all the lessons I've been taught these last couple years and really learning from them.  But so why am I still alone.  I don't even think I've been over bearing with Curtis this time.  Like.....  Things were going amazing the first 2 weeks.  I was BEYOND happy, I couldn't believe things were going so well.  And then he got laid off and I think spiraled into a deep dark depression.  I really tried to be there for him and I don't know.  The only thing I can think of is maybe he thought I was like.... encrouching too fast.  That he barely knew me and I was just trying to give life advice?  I dont know.  Well anyways I was trying to be positive around him for like... a month and a half.  He's just been moping and incapaple of doing anything, including finding a new job, so shit built up, got worse and... yeah.  I don't know what to say.  I tried to help in ways I could.  I asked if I could do anything to help, maybe a grocery trip, or a hug.  And he said a hug would be nice.  I really.... I dunno I just feel like I'm not getting a fair bargain in this friendship.  Like every single day its about him and him and him, I ask him how he's doing he tells me, he complains, I try and talk to him.  He stopped asking about my day and how I was doing and like.  I dunno.  It's so difficult because he's depressed and going through some shit, I kinda know this feeling so I can't push him and be like Snap the Fuck Outta It,  Stop being an attention whore.  Like..... things are so one-sided.  And then comes to the thoght that enter's my head on bad days.  He was just fucking around from day 1.  He's over and done with me weeks and weeks ago but just couldn't say anything.  In which case this.  I would be equally upset about because I asked him so many times, if he is done with me then just say so so I can move on and carry on.  But nope, he never said anything.  Just beat around the question.  

UGH its SO INFURIATING.

Its more upsetting putting this down on a screen but I just HATE MEN LIKE THIS.

Like your ego is so fragile and weak.  Causing more problems with your indecisiveness.

On Tuesday I sent him a skip meal cause plans got cancelled and he asked me not to come over, so I wanted to just send him something so he knew someone cared about him.  Well, like a couple hours after he got his meal and said thanks, he stopped talking to me.  And, like I dont know what I was expecting but it wasn't a closed door.  He didn't talk to me for a day and I was just like..... wow okay.... not sure how I feel about this.  He does message me on Thursday though and we kinda "chat" (not really because I deleted FB from my phone).  On Thursday late at night, I ask him if he's going to let me visit him again because I was lonely and I wanted a little attention.  He replies back "Tonight would have been the night, lol"  And I was like.... A. That doesn't answer my question, B. What is that even trying to answer?  I say to him, yeah not interested (because it was like 10pm) and a Thursday night.  He leaves me on read....

That's fine, maybe hes just thinking he does have tendancy to reply later..... Friday morning, nothing.  So I double texted "Glad I put myself out there again" (thumbs up).  It's true, I've been initiating everything the last little bit and I'm getting so tired of being shot down.  IF YOUR NOT INTERESTED FUCKING SAY SO.  Like I keep saying this but its been such a one-sided friendship.  I'm giving him constant 110% support and positivity and I'm just like.... not getting anything.  No attention mentally or physically.  F U, Curtis.

He replies back "Well I'm busy Saturday and Sunday so I was just saying yesterday would have been the night to do it"  And then I reply " I dunno Would have been nice with more than 20 mintues notice.  Coming over only to go straight to sleep and waking up at 630am didn't exactly sound enticing.  I wasn't looking for a booty call"  And then he said "That is not what the implication was at all"  "I was simply stating I was busy the rest of the week and yesterday would have been the best day"  And I dunno, seeing Coleston just taught me to stop aruging and walk away when your temper is rising.  And it was for me.  Like,  THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION.  "Yesterday" not possible, sorry bud.  And your life exists past the weekend, so what you're booked up for the rest of your life??  I can come over never, then is that what you're saying?

Like.  I know I sound so stupid and desperate typing this out.  Like it should be clearly obvious that this guy has been using me (but gaining nothing but that one free lunch) or just no longer interested and just trying to ghost me until I "get the point".  BUT FUCK.  IVE ASKED HIM, I'VE GIVEN HIM OUTS ALREADY AND HE DIDN'T TAKE THEM.

His answers yesterday were so short and curt it really hurt me.  I was so cut from that,  and I still stupidly gave him a positive reply after that. 

Kill them with Kindness.

That's what my goal is.  It's evil because I want people to know they fucked up for walking away from me.

Plot Twist

Yesterday.  For some reason, I decided to read through a bunch of my blog entries.  Which I'm sure you all know are diary entries.  Originally I was thinking about B and how the last time we saw each other played out.  And because my memory on the past was blurry, I though.... Hey.... if B tried to kiss me one day, I'm positive I would have blogged about it.  And so, I was skimming through my entries, trying to find any posts where I talked about him (And totally went down UPS guy and Andrew Lane). But anyways, it was a little painful, and sometimes funny going through my old posts.  If I ever had the opportunity I think I would ask B about these and if he really was hitting on me or not, at the time. 

Anyways.  After having my puzzle piece brain re-arranged, I went back reading some of my entries but this time with the view knowing that B liked me too.  I don't know why it didn't clue in 4 years ago when he replied back saying "I like you too and you know that"  and I was like .... know what?  But it didn't so here we are again.  B is dating someone, and I chose someone else when I should have chosen him.  

So going back through my entries.  Yup.  I found the entry where B tried to kiss me right here.  He came over pre-clubbing on his bday one night and leaned in for a birthday kiss and I got up and said no.  And do you all want to know why I said no?

It was because I was pining over PBC.

Are you kidding me....  You again?  You were who I was hooked on when B made a move back then and you are who I was hooked on when B made a move again.

Why

Are

You

Here?!!

So.  B tried to kiss me and nothing happened because I had met PBC and was trying to deal with him.  I had completely forgotten we had gone on a couple dates and how things actually unravelled.  And I don't even know if its a good thing that it triggered all these memories.  Because.  They weren't good.  I called him an asshole.  He wasn't the perfect saviour card that I remember him as and boy.  That was a hard read.

And so. Its like I've come full circle again, just EXACTLY back where I was almost 10 years ago.  I still like B, and I still like PBC.  I chose PBC over B and know I'm wondering what would have happened if it went the other way around.

I was thinking a lot about B yesterday.  Mind you I was super, super high, I thought about him a lot.  And especially reading all those posts.....  I really paid attention to him and I'm wondering if all those times he really was trying to make a move on me.  Like when we drove to Victoria Circle "to play Pokemon Go".  Where he held my hand trying to hold the vape.  I don't know, I think I'm just over playing scenarios in my head because I'm so dramatic but.  Oh gosh, those would have been some romantic ideas if that is what he was trying to do.  LOL.

I almost messaged him today to see if he wanted to meet up.  Mostly cause I'm not doing so good after PBC v.2.  But I just don't want to stir his life up again.  I can't believe I turned down a kiss from him 2 times.  Just like... what are the chances.

And back to PBC.  

I dunno.  

I'm going to take a unwelcome break from him.  I don't know what else to do, and I'm upset because 2021 PBC turned out to be a cookie cutter version of 2014 PBC.  The one that just ghosted me and disappeared.  

I mean, do think 2021 PBC is different.  Reading back through my old posts I feel differently about him that I did before.  And I do genuinely feel like I have a connection with him.  But I just don't know why.  It felt so so natural to talk to him.

So.  After our first new date, we texted a lot.  He kept telling me how happy he was and how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  And it was so sweet.  I loved every minute of it and I was so happy.  The second time we met up, we grabbed bubble teas and then came back to my place to start pumpkin carving.  I remember being so nervous because I had told him a couple days ago over text that I wanted to kiss him, so I knew that notion was on the table.  Everywhere I went he would follow me or always be in close vicinity of me.  I don't even know if he knew we were going to spend so much time together but he basically had his Death Eater pumpkin carved in like 2 hours, and then I carved my Mike Wazowski pumpkin in like 6.  Hahaha, but he told me he loved spending time with me and it was so enjoyable.  And so after that he took and posted a picture on his FB and IG.  That reminds me that he will always see that picture as a memory of his.  But so, we went to sit down on the couch and I don't know why but I put a bunch of snacks between us.  Lol, so facepalm right?  And we were just chatting and he was trying so hard not to yawn, but eventually took out his phone to show me a video.  I mean from time to time I definitely stared at him a bit longer cause I wanted to kiss him but I just never managed to find the courage.  So I have to sit in closer to him to see his phone and move the snacks out of the way and bring my legs really close to him and he puts his hand on my leg and starts to rub them a little.  I'm not complaining at all, lol and so things stay like this for about 10 minutes.  The clip ends and then we are kinda quietly chatting and he asks why I'm fidgeting.  I tell him I'm totally not fidgeting, but notice I totally am and stop.  Then he asks me how tall I am and I tell him and he says No Way!  Stand up let me see, and he measures himself against me and says Yeah, I guess you are.  And then he hugs me for a really long time and laughs at how stoic I am.  And we probably say something but then he looks down at me and does the so romantic thing where a guy lifts a girl's chin/face up and kisses her. 

And the rest is history.  We didn't have sex that night, but we made out and I may have taken his pants off and sat on him.  I dunno, I guess it was different this time because when I brought up that we could go upstairs he said we didn't have to and he didn't want to pressure me because it was like, our 2nd date.  And I really did appreciate that actually.  So... lol I gave him blue balls and he put it away.  But we did have sex the next day cause he slept over.  

He told me that he struggles with self image because he used to be a narcissist, and I mean I wouldn't not believe him because when I went to get condoms he asked me if the ones I had would fit him.  And its the only thing he's ever said that made me roll my eyes.  Hahaha.  Though in his defence, it is lengthier than I'm used to...

But so yeah, I just remember him doing so many sweet things.  And he also has unbelievable personal cleanliness.  The only person that rivals this is B.... Lol oh god does this mean they are both narcissists?   Oh no wait, Coleslaw was undoubtedly a narcissist and he was a S.L.O.B.. So well, yeah PBC woke up 30 minutes early for work the day he slept over, so he could not only shower and get ready, but come back and snuggle in bed with me for a little bit.  He would open my door wherever we went and give me forehead and hand kisses, too.  Omg you guys it was so incredibly sweet.  We kept texting everyday and things were going so well.  Our next date he invited me over to his place, after we went Asian Supermarket hopping.  I had so much fun at his place too and we got high (I used a bong for the first time and it was super funny) and ate watermelon gummies and oreos and watched anime and Arcane.  And we had high sex.  Woke up the next morning and had sex again and then we went out and he drove me home, and that was the 2nd best date I had with him before shit hit the fan.

He got laid off the next day.  He became depressed.  He's thinking of moving back to Nova Scotia.  And he stopped talking to me.

I don't know why all this ridiculousness keeps happening to me.  

I was physically and mentally so. happy.  I thought this was it.  I thought I finally found a core puzzle piece.  And then it just went downhill so quickly.  And I'm struggling to accept that I have to start over again.  I don't want to.  I literally saw the finish line and I just don't want to start over again.

I thought this time I was applying all the things I had learned from seeing Coleston for 2 years into this relationship.  Being positive, trying to catch myself when I whine, trying not to gaslight PBC.  The only one I'd say I failed at was not trying to be a saviour.  I do have a saviour complex and I think that is what kicked in the last couple weeks.  And maybe that's what cause PBC to shell up.  I don't know.  I mean, he is going through a lot right now.  He's trying to figure out how to pay his bills, he's trying to figure out if he should leave Edmonton.  

I just wanted this to be my storyline this time.  And so yeah.  That's what's happening.  He's basically stopped talking to me again, albeit I believe he has a valid reason this time.

But I don't know.  My brain has not been doing well since this started happening.  It's torn between 2 beliefs. 

A. He is really struggling and lost
B. He was just using me 

Regardless of what the real answer is.  I don't know how much damage has been done now.  I still really like him and I do believe him 85% but I dunno, what happens next?  Well.  I guess when I think critically, there is like a less than 50% chance he'll reach out to me.  First he has to get over his depression.  Then he has to decide if he wants to move or not.  And then.  I don't know, will I even be on his radar after that.

And so.  Yeah.  That's the reason why I almost reached out to B today.  Because I was lonely and I wanted attention.  I wanted to ruin someone else's relationship, right.  And then I thought about Coleston.  He said he might ask me to look after his dogs next week.  And I don't know I'm kinda holding onto that right now.

It's just so ironic that I'm on the side of the battle with depression this time.  That I'm the one that is having to pull out the tips and tricks to stay happy and fight it off.  And that I'm the one that is losing patience and wanting to tell him to get over it.  And at the same time...... I remember I ghosted Triple Vanilla guy because I was having a mental health problem.  I think it was even the exact same scenario, where we liked each other and the guy was being so nice and sweet and checking in with me and I just ghosted and disappeared.  And so... I know exactly how Curtis is feeling right now and I know it was a real shitty thing to do now, but at the time I just wanted to get away.  This is also what all my friends and family were seeing too?  Is this why people stayed away from me because all the negativity and moping was just just too much.  They didn't know how to help me like I didn't know how to help Curtis?

Just, why do the tables always have to turn on me?  This is karma?  Really.  Now that I've got a leg up on depression, Depression is the next enemy boss I have to face in guys that I'm seeing?  Lol.  Just.  Why!

I don't want to be alone again.  I really really really want Curtis to be happy and stay with me.  I've never wanted anything more in my life before.  I even wished for it on my birthday before he got laid off.

I'm Scared Because Things Seem Too Good To Be True

And it was.

Hahaha. 

It totally was.  I went on 3 dates with Curtis and I fell so in like with him.  I've never felt so happy and myself before.  I honestly couldn't remember when the last time I felt so naturally happy, and it didn't feel like I was pretending to be someone else around him.  I like him so much.

But of course that only means something had to go wrong right.  Haha.  I just can't believe this is happening again.

I feel depressed, but like imposter depression.  Like I'm only pretending to be depressed because he hasn't even left yet.  Like I'm over acting.  I don't know.

So.  In my last post I met up with B, and if something was supposed to happen that night, I didn't move on it because I wanted to go on a date with Curtis.  I wanted to see him.

And so I did.  We went for bubble teas and a walk that lasted 5 hours.  It was so fun.  I just remember looking over and seeing him smile all the time made me feel happy, too.  At the end of the night he offered (or maybe I asked) to drive me home and I accepted, except halfway home we got pulled over by a cop and when he told Curtis it was going to be a $250 ticket I felt so bad.  But I looked over and he was just smiling and told me that nothing was going to ruin his night cause he had such a great time with me.

I felt so happy. 

When he got to my driveway, I wanted to kiss him but then got nervous and screamed FUCK as I ran away.  But even then he still texted me after and said I was cute.

I liked him so much.

For our next date I invited him over to carve pumpkins for my b-day and Halloween and I had such a nice time again.  And he kissed me.  He was so sweet, just... Just always opened my door for me, and would want to hold my hand, kiss my forehead and gave me hugs, woke up early just so he could spend a little bit of extra time in bed snuggling with me.  Always had something to say, and I just felt like it was everything I ever wanted.  I just liked him so much and I thought he did, too.

We were so similar that I just felt so comfortable around him.  He was nerdy and didn't laugh at me because I was still learning to drive.  Had a similar sense of humour.  And I was really attracted to him too.  I liked him so much.

And then he got laid off.

And became depressed.

And is talking about moving back to Nova Scotia.

Hahaha.  I'm just crushed.  I've been high all week just trying not too feel emotions.  I don't understand why this is happening again.  How.  How I thought I had gone through everything.

Getting your heart broken and spiraling into depression for 7 years.  Falling in love with your best friend and leaving for 2 years.  Falling in love with a narcist and living through verbal abuse for 2 years.  All of those I bounced back from.  All of those are stories you'd only read about in a high school drama movie.  But no, they all happened to me.

And now.  Now I feel like I've found the perfect person.  Experienced a moment in time of happiness for 2 weeks.  And they are leaving me.

I dunno.  I hid my phone all day today and called in sick because I'm avoiding life.  I just don't want to know what he said.  Or maybe he didn't say anything and I'm scared of what I'm going to feel like.  I want time to pass so I don't have to feel the pain and be sad again.  

Why did I think life was finally falling in place.  

My brain is splitting in half too.  I don't know if maybe he is just trying to ghost me again.  That's my biggest fear.  That I'm making a fool out of myself by trying to be so supportive of him but really he is just trying to disappear.

And then I'm scared that I'm playing the saviour card again.  That he thinks I'm just trying to be a know it all who talks about no one but herself.  I want to try and help him but I don't even know if that is coming across.

I do genuinely believe he is lost this time, but also that I'm jumping to conclusions about him.  That I assume he's going to move, that I know what he's going through.  But I don't know.  So why am I slipping again?  

I just don't want to go down a spiral again.

He's 2 years younger than me and maybe he thinks I'm jumping into things, but I worked really hard the last couple years trying to be positive.  I've read so many things about learning to listen instead of trying to fix someone.  And I don't know if I did that.

I just feel like I'm the thing that's wrong.  That I could have done something differently.  That I overwhelmed him or scared him or bored him.  I don't know. Just.... why does this always happen to me.

All I wanted was a sweet and soft relationship.  And I had it for such a short period of time.

Part II

 I don't even know if I should be writing this post.

So B came over on Saturday night, the day before my date.  And I think he hit on me.  Actually I think he very strongly hit on me.

I don't know.  I remember being really scared and confused....

So. On Saturday a few days after I had asked him, B asked if I was free to hang out that night and he could bring his doggo over.  I actually was relieved he asked for Saturday instead of Sunday, aka date night, and said yes.

He drove over to my place and really, it wasn't that weird when we first met.  He came out of his truck and we just walked over to the dog park and chatted and caught up.  I was really thankful it wasn't forced and awkward.  I even tell B, that I have a date tomorrow, and I was kind of excited!!  An hourish later we start heading back to my place and then B suggests to get dinner and I said we can just eat at my place since he had his doggo and we do.  As usual B is also high as a kite, but also this is very normal behaviour.

After dinner he's like, so do you want me to leave, do you have plans or?  And I wanted to talk to my date but I hadn't seen B in so long too I was like ah we can just talk and catch up.  We do catch up quite a bit talking about old friends and new friends and then some time later B says to me:

So you know that I hit on you and you turned me down right?  And that's why I didn't understand why you said what you said.

And I was like WHAT? No I think you are confusing me with someone else.... I have no recollection of this....  

And he's like No, it was you, I remember it was at your old condo and we were sitting on the couch and I moved in and you were like Uh what are you doing, and I was super high and like, Okay yup, friendzoned, and I just never did anything again.

I really don't have any recollection of this and I just laughed but was in a little bit of shock.  WHAT....

Anyways I try to play this off because like... A. He has a LT girlfriend; B. I'm going on a date tomorrow; C. Its been like 5+ years.

I just change the subject and eventually B is like lets just watch a movie, and I'm like, I do not have the mental capacity to watch a movie right now, but he chooses one anyways.  It actually was quite clever he chose a movie that he liked but had also watched before so he could just summarize it for me because he knew I wouldn't be paying attention.  It was The Day After Tomorrow. 

1/4 way through the movie he goes:

You really don't remember me hitting on you?

And I have to stop and think because it is making a little nervous.  Um.... maybe.... I maybe remember the scenario now but I don't think I knew what you were doing, that's why I asked what you were doing.  I'm really oblivious, B....

And then he brought up the last thing I had said to him 5 years ago and was like 'You kind of wrote a love note to me....'

And now I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this right now B, I was in a lot of pain.

And we go back to the movie.

About 3/4 into the movie...

B gets up and sits very, very close to me and puts his arm around me, pulls me in a little and leans in extremely, extremely close.

Do you understand what I am doing now?

And I full out start panicking.  I cannot look at him, I cannot think, I don't know what is going on, I was so scared and so confused.  I just covered my face.

I don't know B, I don't know. I think at the time I really did just think you were my friend and I didn't understand what was going on.  But as time passed and we hung out more I started to like you more and more and more, and eventually I just needed to leave because it was making me really sad.  I'm sorry I apologize for doing that to you.

And he doesn't let me go for a really long time and I was scared/confused/nervous that we were going to kiss and I just thought of my date and couldn't move.

Don't you have a girlfriend?

Yeah and don't you have a date, tomorrow?

I was just so beyond confused and scared. 

Eventually he lets me go and we just go back to the movie and I try to continue talking like nothing happened.  I don't know wtf I was doing or what just happened.  Like the thing I had always dreamed about but suddenly it was happening and I was terrified....

The rest of the night goes back to normal and we just talk and we finish the movie and I give his dog a big hug, and then he leaves.

I have to go to bed immediately because I cannot comprehend what has happened in the last 5 days.  I start talking to a guy who ghosted me for 7 years and we are going on a date, then my crush of 7 years comes over and possibly hits on me, all in the same day.  What. The. Fuck.

The next day I am a mess.  I can't stop thinking about what happened, and also my date.  I'm scared B is mad because he made another move and I didn't do anything.  That he risked his relationship and expressed his feelings and I didn't return them..... I really want to go on my date with this guy and I end up spilling the beans to JD.  She is just equally as shocked as I am but tells me to go on my date and enjoy it.  Not to think about what happened with B and to revisit it later (or not at all if the date goes well).

And well.  The date went really well.

Like possibly amazingly well.

We went out for bubble tea at 630 pm and then for a walk, which somehow lasted for 5 hours.  Time slowed down and I think about him lots.

How is this possible.

How is This Possible

How is this in heckin christ.  Possible.

I shouldn't have came back here and read my old posts.  Very bad idea.

I'll write a better post later but....as usual.  A lot has happened since my last post.  I got back together with Coleston, unshockingly we broke up, I've been a little bit of a mess.  Fast foward to today. 

I saw B for the first time in 5+ years.

And I'm excited to go on a date with someone else tonight.

A date not with Coleston.  This is such a long story, and I can't even comprehend all the stuff that has happened in under 7 days.  Seriously you guys, my life is so messed up.

I really wish I didn't go back and read my old posts about B.  I really like my date tonight, even though that is also a wtf story, and I really wish whatever the heck didn't happen last night.  I don't even fully understand what happened myself.

So, after Coleston and I broke up I was done, didn't want to get back together again, but still was hoping we could be friends and occasionally meet up, and maybe he would let me look after his dogs while he was a way.  I love Sasha, I think about him all the time, his cute little nose and teef.  Anyways, we did text a few times here and there, I told him I just wanted to be friends etc etc and he said he would have to hold off on meeting up cause he still wants to fuck me.  Any normal girl would be grossed out by that right?  Well yeah not me.  I started to miss him and then a month ago I text him and asked if he could visit with his dogs someday and he said Yes that would be nice.  The next day he texted me Happy Friday!, I didn't reply back, and I actually haven't heard from him since.  I've been expecting a text from him since he usually disappears and re-appears around this time, but nothing.  

Anyways, so I've been moping and a little depressed, trying to date and just having no luck whatsoever.  I'm getting more and more anti-social as every day passes. Last Saturday, I woke up and was scrolling through FB in bed.  My aunt had posted a mental health story/post about Washing the Dishes Twice.  I read it 2-3 times and it really spoke to me.  I wasn't doing bad, but I had a stack of dishes piling up that I was just getting lazy to do.  After I read the article, I shared it on my Facebook (keep in mind I hate FB and post something like once every 6 months) and then went to do my dishes and clean up a little.  Well, I sit back down and take a look at my phone and someone had sent me a FB message.  PB, a guy I had very briefly saw while I was still depressed over my break up with Dave had messaged me.

Years ago we had like a very bad one night stand, after he left he just ghosted and ignored me.  I never deleted him off FB because actually I think he is one of the reasons I snapped out of my depression.  I just remember thinking, how stupid and pathetic have I become?  That is why guys aren't interested in you, you're so mope-y and depressed its so unattractive.  And I even made a post about it before but I decided I had to become happy again.

Become so happy that people will be sad they didn't come back for you.  If they don't come back, then who cares, you're just a happy person for yourself now and still in a better spot.

And that is kind of what happened 10 years ago.

Well, after I shared the Dishwasher story, PB had messaged me.  He sent me an apology.  He wanted to apologize for what happened the last time we saw and that he should have apologized a long, long time ago.

I read it and I smiled.  I don't know but something over came me.  For the first time ever, I felt right.  All those times I had doubted myself, and convinced I was a bad person and that's why people left me and never came back, had been proven wrong. (I'm exaggerating a little, but that's what I tell myself).  I am a nice person and people know and see that!

Even though it made me extremely happy, I wasn't exactly sure how to reply back or maybe if their were other intentions.  Obviously back then I was attracted to the guy and still was, but I didn't really know his reasoning behind his message.  I also interpreted it as very different than the apology Coleston gave me.  Coleston I think in the back of my mind he was just apologizing for the sake of apologizing and wanting to patch things up so we could have sex again.  PB's apology I'm not sure about.  It really seemed genuine.  And also its been 10 fucking years, he couldn't have been going through his list of friends and been like, ooooh lets try this girl who I haven't talked to in 10 years.

It took me a day but I eventually replied back.  I wasn't mad and I don't think I ever was mad at him for what happened, I really did blame myself.  So said Hi, and Happy Thanksgiving and not to worry.  I was never mad at him, but thanked him for apologizing.  Hoped he was well and to take care.

He replied back a short while later thanking me for replying to him and hoped again that I was doing well.

I didn't reply back, I didn't know what else to say.  It didn't exactly sound like he wanted to continue a conversation so I didn't want to carry anything on, but it was so weird to receive a message like that.

Sunday passed and then Monday was Thanksgiving.  I had been thinking about reply back to ask if he was doing okay because he never really replied to my question.  I had Zoom Thanksgiving dinner with my family and after we had finished eating I went to my computer room and was just messing around, still with my family on Zoom.  Then suddenly I got an Aurora Borealis alert.  They had been sighted in Edmonton?!!!  I loudly screamed and went to look out my window and I screamed because I saw them!  I haven't seen the AB since I moved to Edmonton in 2003.  I screamed and I lost my marbles and told my family to go outside and take pictures, I ran outside in my pjs shivering just looking at them, and then I started texting all my friends.

I even texted Coleston.  I had been thinking about him still and I remember him saying he has always wanted to see the AB.  So I texted him.

And then I messaged B.  We actually started speaking last year when Nomin tried to round us all up, but it's been really weird and awkward.  Neither of us really knowing what to say or where to start.  The AB gave me like a giant burst of adrenaline and I just felt confident to get these messages out.  I asked B if they could visit me with his dog sometimes (I really did want to meet his dog, though).

And then I messaged PB.  I told him thanks for sending me that apology, it actually meant a lot to me.  That I was in a slump the last couple weeks, and seeing his message really seemed to help me snap out of it (along with the Dishwasher story).  

This all happened shortly before/after midnight.  I saw a second showing of the AB and my heart was so happy.  My entire family was under the same sky and we were all seeing this wonder.  I went to bed, but not before realizing Coleston didn't reply back to me.  He almost always replied back to me within a couple hours.

The next day I didn't hear from Coleston all day.  My mind jumped to conclusions thinking maybe he got into an accident, or in jail or died or something, it was very unlike him.  I checked his FB and he had switched his account to private.  I eventually unblocked him on IG and saw that he was still very much active.  I felt a sigh of relief.  He was just done with me.  And I was happy with that.  I re-blocked him and haven't looked back.

PB in the meantime, had replied back to me.  He said something like "I had a lot of issues in the past with insecurities and they have manifested themselves into some toxic things.  You pop into my head from time to time as someone on the receiving end of this and I have always felt horrible.  You're a great person and deserved to be treated better.  Are you doing okay?  Do you need to talk about what happened?!"

Really, I was never mad at him in the first place, and I had no idea he felt like this.  I mean on the occasion I wonder if this is just him pulling a Coleston and testing to see how stupid girls are and ditch me again after some sex.  But again, I dunno.  I just don't know.  I told him again, don't worry, I'm not mad at him, I think I just have lifelong mild depression that comes and goes.  He told me that everytime he sees me post something or my profile pic pops up, he feels horrible about what he did and just needed to apologize head on.

We've been talking ever since and it is so very oddly comfortable talking to him.  I honestly feel like I've gone back in time and am pre-Dave self.  I don't have to do the fake bubbly ice-breaker thing because we already did that years ago, but he's new enough that we have a lot of things to talk about.  And just even his responses are like polar opposite of what happened when I was seeing Coleston.  Like PB actually asks me questions about myself, and double, sometimes triple texts me.  It is so bizarre and unusual, but really lovely.  The first couple days we were just catching up, finding out we have similar stances on Covid, the world, both are pretty jaded and cynical.  And yet, I find I'm doing that thing where I'm trying to help him see the bright side of life instead of being mope-y mope-y all the time.  It is so unusual that I honestly feel more positive as each day passes because I'm just talking about positivity all the time.

And so we are going on a date.... well no I just invited him out for bbt and we are going for an evening walk tonight.

But there is a part 2 - side story to this.

Stay tuned......

You're Just a Girl I Like to Fuck

Funny how I never learn.

I mean.  I do and I don't.

I need to start learning to be stronger, setting actual boundaries and not be a push-over.  Maybe stop romanticizing everything too.

This is kind of funny but I haven't written a post in over 2 years.  I re-read my last 2 posts and.... oh boy.  I really never learned.  I went back to Coleston and..... you guessed it.  We broke up again.  The 'funny' thing is, I very much forgot about why we broke up before and what I was upset about.  After re-reading my last posts its like..... Holy Shit, this is the EXACT same thing that happened this time.  Coleston is still doing the same things over and over and over again.

I feel a mess of emotions.  I feel final and content and sure that we are actually done this time.  But I still feel sad and miss him.  There is something chemically wrong in my brain.  I know it.

I miss Sasha too, his cute nose and how he always sticks it in my face or lap or on the bed or couch to get my attention so I'll give him pets.

I dunno why I miss Coleston, too.  I miss the company.  Not necessarily his company.  I really do think he got me to grow a lot though.  I love that about him.  That in the beginning he pointed out my flaws in a way that I saw what I was doing to himself and myself.  That I was making myself unhappy for stupid reasons.  I don't know if its good or bad that he pushed my boundaries and buttons so far that I finally realized I had some.  I really, really think he tried, too.  And that's why I feel a bit more content this time.  He did try to make me happy, and that attempt means more to me than he'll ever know.  It's so sad I cared a lot about him and the good memories I have of him I really do cherish them.  I think he really tried this time, too.  I tried too.  But.... something just doesn't work between us.  I want and expect him to be someone he is not.  He can't fulfill my happiness and I can't be his either.  

I guess enough about the mushy stuff and me proclaiming how much I loved him.  I really do want to move on from him this time.  He really is a narcissist.  Looking back at my earlier posts I'm really just going to be repeating what I said 2 years ago.    I'm glad that I feel happier leaving this time.  I hope so anyways.  It's only been a couple days.  And I find myself forgetting all the steadfast reasons why I needed to leave.  I was in a toxic relationship that was full of gaslighting and emotional abuse.  It wasn't always, though.  In fact in the first 2 months after we got back together I remember being so happy and just really trusting Coleston.  About half a year after I told him to Fuck Off, he had sent me a couple messages on FB.  First one in May I'm pretty sure was just cause he needed a fuck-buddy during covid.  I ignored it. Second one was on my birthday and he wished be HBD.  I have a super soft spot for people who remember my birthday.  So.... I replied thank you.  We chatted for a little bit, I still kept my guard up very very high, and eventually we got into an argument.  I told him I didn't know if I could trust him, I didn't know if I'd ever let my guard down and fully commit to a relationship because I always feel like I'm just a hole you fuck.  And he said, it wasn't fair to him then.  He could try as hard as he could and constantly tell me No, I'm not fucking any one else.  But if I was never going to trust him, then what was the point.  And I agreed.  Well we agreed.  That he'd stop treating me like a hole to fuck and I'd do my best to be a positive influence in his life.  And that he'd be open to more if things worked out.  And so we patched things up.  I went over to see him and the first night we didn't have sex.  I just slept and cuddled with him.  Things were really nice for the next little bit.  I just treated him like I was actually seeing him and not just a side guy.  I held his hand in public, I liked going over and making dinners.  I felt pretty happy.  He took me on a road trip and on NYE we even went skating and it was probably one of my happiest memories with him.  When I fell down he put his hand out and helped me up and then put his hand on my back.  It was the most genuine affection I had ever felt from him.  A couple nights later when I was dozing off on his couch he adorably offered me a piece of choco-late? too.  I can still hear his voice and it was hilarious and innocent and un-guarded.  I loved that I got that out of him.

But I don't know what happened.  As Coleston would say, You overthought and messed things up.  But I don't think I did.  Coleston would do somethings that made me validly upset and when I brought them up and asked him to stop, he basically said no.  Well no, he didn't say no, he just avoided my question.  Would beat around it and say things like Meh, I tried, or You should have known better, or Did it ever occur to you to ask how I was feeling?  He was really good at deflecting problems and making me be the problem and him the victim.  I tried really hard to respect him and think from his shoes too.  It got to the point where I started letting things slide.  Like when he stood me up on Valentine's Day.  Coleston just wants to be in a relationship, but not have the priorities and liability of a boyfriend.  Whenever I'd say something his response would be 'I'm not your boyfriend' and therefore I don't have to feel bad for fucking up.  It was my fault for expecting him to respond like a boyfriend.  It's such an easy cheap and asshole way out.  If I don't apply then you can't blame me for not holding up my end of the deal because I never made it in the first place.

We got into a couple fights and I tried so hard to stay calm and to talk things thoroughly.  But Coleston just refused to address any of the issues.  I'm not addressing these because you are making things up.  You think its a problem but it isn't a problem.  And he would just brush me off.  It was making me so upset.  I literally said 'You did this and it made me sad, can you please not do it anymore?  I asked him three times once.  All he had to do was say 'Okay'.  But no he didn't he just said it wasn't his fault, I should have tried harder etc etc.  I couldn't comprehend what was so hard.  It's because he's a narcissist.  He can't admit to doing something wrong, doesn't want to talk about it and has a problem with his ego.  It was so hard trying to talk to him because it was just so much gaslightling and deflecting the blame back to me and manipulating me.  It was only a couple months but honestly I started feeling so bad and confused and unsure of myself.  He had a way of wording things that made me doubt myself.  That made me genuinely feel like the bad guy.  You're the reason I started drinking so much, again.  You make problems up in your head and when I don't acknowledge them, you get mad.  Your expectations of me are what ruin things.  But I don't think my expectations were too high at all!  I just wanted to be treated with some respect and acknowledged.  And to this day he had a problem doing that.  I tried explaining things to him countless different ways and he just would ignore me.  Blamed my mental health and the closest thing to an apology was said He was sorry he wasn't in a better position to help my mental health.  That's gaslighting right?

The last time I talked to him was right after Valentine's Day.  The couple weeks before I had asked him Can we do something on Valentine's Day?  I specifically worded it as 'Can we' and not Will you or What are you.  I worded it that way as an option.  I just wanted to know if we'd be spending it together.  If yes, then Yay!  So happy.  If no, then okay I won't get my hopes up.  And he said 'He'd try'.  I told him I would be super happy if he even just made me dinner.  Nothing big or presents.  I would just love if you made me dinner, you haven't in so long.  And he said okay.

I really don't know what happened, we got into a little bicker the day before v-day.  And then on Sunday, after I had spent the night baking, and made him a little present and basically waxed every inch of my body, he texted me at noon to say he didn't want to hang out and just wanted to spend the rest of the day alone.

Yeah..... I was pretty upset.  I just looked at all the stuff I had done and gotten ready for him and I cried.  Why couldn't he do something so little for me?  Why was it so hard?  I tried my best not to get mad at him and in the evening he wished me Happy Valentine's Day, anyways.  The next morning I replied that as his friend I hoped he was feeling better, but as his lover I was pretty hurt and wouldn't be talking to him for a long time.  He told me sorry, and he wanted to make it up to me.

But he never did.

The next time I talked to him he told me I was just a girl he sometimes fucked.

I think that is the line that slapped me out of it.  I mean besides from all his inability to see how much I care for him.  That line really just reiterated my worst fear.  When we first got back together I had told him I didn't want to feel that way.  And he just flat out, unabashidly said it.  I was just a girl he sometimes fucked.

So after the 2+ years we spent together, learning and laughing and having sex and going on dates and trips and trying to work things out, really meant nothing.  In the end, that's still all I was to him.  A hole he could fuck.

I told him to take lots of care <3

And he responded I will now that a selfish girl I cared for is out of my life and I finally have nice people who give instead of take to focus on.

He really never remembers a single thing I did for him?  His birthday presents and dinners, his Christmas presents, how I'd pay attention to what his favourite foods were, or things he was missing or said he wanted. How I let him do anything to me in bed, how I held his hand and snugged in bed or the couch.  I really wasn't selfish and don't understand how he sees that.  

It makes me sad.  It still does.  I hope he realizes one day and misses me.  But I don't want to go back.  Please god, give me strength to leave Coleston behind.  I love him but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him.  I think he does have a lot of mental problems, and even after that last line he said to me.  I still cry and miss him.  My mental illness really is a problem.  To feel bad for someone who treated me so poorly.

Your heart comes crashing down

It's been just over half a year since I started seeing Coleston.

I first hooked up with him in late May I think it was.  I really liked him.  He had so much patience for me.  And it started getting easier and easier to trust him because he would always message me back.  If I got mad it wouldn't matter.

I don't know what went wrong.....

Well... I do.

He's a bad person.  He has good intentions.... but he's such a hypocrite.  Towards the last little bit we started getting into arguments more and more often.  And when I tried to do some problem solving and damage control..... He always got really defenisve.  And started blaming me, and would always say I am who I am, I'm not going to change for anyone.  So....  So I changed for him.  I said I was okay with him sleeping around.  It didn't really bother me because he never told me about anyone else.  And he was still good company.  But then.... sex started not being so fun anymore.  It was just the same thing over and over.  I would go over,  he would ask for a blow job, and then that lead to sex.  Never did any foreplay for me.  I mean.... in the beginning I did say I didn't like guys going down on me.  But .... like a finger wouldn't hurt right?

Around October I started hinting that my birthday was coming up.  But he never asked.  Finally I just flat out told him.  And he said HBD only because I told him my birthday is today.  I told him I wanted to go on a road trip and have sex and do drugs.  I didn't think it was a lot to ask..... but to this day we never did any of those things.  Or anything that I wanted to do really.  It was just all about him.  Whenever he wanted sex or didn't want it.  The first time we argued and I was ready to call it quits, the reason I came back was because he told me 'If you aren't happily coming over and taking my dick night after night, then something has gone terribly wrong.'  And so we kinda sorta worked things out.  But it never lasted very long.  The last argument that we had I told him I wasn't happy and wanted to have a talk to try and work things out.  He ignored me.  4 times.  Just kept on pretending like I didn't say anything, hoping I would forget.  Like a puppy.  And I started to get mad and upset.  I started realizing how he only wanted things for himself.  He didn't care if I was unhappy as long as I came over to sex.  It started getting painful because I wasn't turned on half the time.  And I just wanted him to make me happy again.  But I'm not.

We didn't talk for almost 2 weeks.  Missed Christmas.  On New Years Eve I was out and about running errands when he send me a text message. 'Happy Holidays, Lover.  Hope you are having a good week'.  I told him I missed him and Sasha.  That I just wanted to talk to him for 5 minutes then we could go home and have make up sex.

His reply:

I have 2 ladies coming over tonight to do molly and play strip poker.

And.....

So.... I'm done.

I don't want to be in your life anymore.  I wanted to do those things with you and you knew it.  And you just said that to rub in my face.

I'm done getting hurt by you.

I'll miss you, but I don't want someone like you in my life anymore either.

When you least expect it

Shit will blow your mind away.


It's been a few months since I last posted something.  I went on a couple trips and am feeling better.  I've been on Tinder for probably a year or two now and yeaaaaaah I know, Tinder is not the best place to look for guys....  I was talking to someone I really really liked, probably the first 2 weeks I got Tinder and we had a lot in common and I liked talking to him.  But, he called in sick last minute during the first 2 times we were supposed to meet up and it made me really really really mad.  I think now, that I probably over-reacted but at the time I was like wtf!!! Couldn't have told me like a few hours before? Had to tell me absolutely last minute?  Anyways, that didn't go so well and he stopped talking to me.... :(


I talked to a couple more guys and we just didn't have very much chemistry at all.  Second most recent guy I thought was kinda cute, and he really really liked talking to me, and wanted to meet up pretty fast.  I wasn't feeling sociable but just said yes because I started to feel guilty.  Bad idea because I was not prepared to meet a guy who talked so much.  Wowsers.  I mean, it was nice because he always had something to say, but wow, he always had something to say.  Anyways,  after that date, he asked for my phone number and I was not excited to give it to him at all.  But I did, and I think he could tell I wasn't interested because we texted for a couple days and then he stopped talking to me as well.  His favorite ice cream was Triple Vanilla, guys.....


So yeah. Everything has been kind of a bust.  No B, Brother still lives with me.  It's been a real drag.  A few weeks ago, in fact, before I went to Toronto.  I got super super mad at T (what else is usual).  This guy is just such a bad roommate.  Or at least I think so.  I find it so hard to live with him sometimes that I just hate coming home.  For the most part, its just that the condo has gotten so messy and things aren't where I would like them to be (its my condo!!!!!) and the routine I was so used to is so different.  Anyways, a few weeks ago I. slept over at my place.  I had to go to the studio for a fitting and then I came back to the condo and T wanted to go do groceries.  In the car I asked if we could go get something to eat first because I and I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry.  He replied that he would go after groceries because he had to go to work at 7pm.  IT WAS 3PM.  So he drove straight to the grocery store like I didn't just say I was hungry.  I was really really flipping mad (and not just hangry).  So.  After groceries and I had a bite to eat.....


I did what any normal person would do.


I messaged a guy on Tinder that had been talking to me on and off again/ asking me to come over all the time, even though I wasn't exactly showing a lot of interest.


I messaged him,  he invited me over for dinner at his house.  I went over.  And we had sex 3 times that night.


Sex and he made me candlelit dinner !


I wasn't really expecting anything much, after because it was Tinder.  He didn't even know my last name and legit we were naked within the first 10 minutes I got into his place.  But,  it's been.... 3 weeks I think, and we are still talking to each other, and he's actually a very very sweet guy.  I think he likes me outside of his bed.


Yesterday was the first time I saw him after I came back from Toronto, and it had probably been about 2 weeks.  He messaged me a couple times after I got back to say he had missed me (and I was like hah, yeah right, okay).  I went over around 7pm, played with his dogs.  Then we had sex.  He made me dinner (spaghetti with meat sauce, which I surprisingly liked because I don't like tomato sauce at all), then we quickly made it over to Yelo'd just before they closed to try the ice cream I've been talking about since the first day I went over.  Got back and we uh.... got high.  It made me really really sleepy at first and I thought that was going to be it.  But he told me that's how the stuff works, I would get really sleepy and then it would kick in and either I would be a zombie if we didn't do anything or we'd just have sex all night long.  And the latter is what happened. Around midnight I got up and he stopped playing his video game and sat down on the couch with me and we made out for a  bit before having sex pretty hard on the couch.  We went into the bedroom and told me 'You get really thirsty from this, so remember to drink lots of water'. Cuddled for a bit and then I totally started to feel everything kick in, and had sex again.  Body was starting to feel super numb but I felt so happy.  Like I was just lying in bed smiling while he went out for a smoke.  He came back and I was super happy to see him and told him, and also said thanks for the drugs (facepalm) and he said thanks for being willing to try them.  Had sex again.  It was weird (for me) because I'm a bit of a screamer, but on the drugs  it was super calm and the kisses were long and sweet.  When he came back the second time I just snuggled with him and traced my hands and fingers on his back, arms, chest face etc etc.  Everything felt intensified.  I asked him how long this would last and he said 'A long time.  That's how it works.  You kinda go up and down and up and back down.  We're about halfway through now'. Snuggled some more and then had sex again.  Every time before he went out he brought me a cup of water and told me to drink and this last time when he came back he told me that I would probably start to feel a little bit antsy but it was normal.  And so I just laid in bed and hallucinated for like 2 hours.  By around 5am I started to feel sleepy and dozed off.  Actually I had a really really really good sleep.  Like the best sleep I've had in years.  It was really nice.  Around noon, the guy finally woke up (partially because I had to leave) and he drove me back home.  He told me, sometimes a side effect is you get a really big drop in serotonin, so you might feel a little down later, but don't worry it's just temporary okay.  And.  I just thought it was nice that he kinda kept me in the loop/ no surprises.  He also opened the door for me when we went for Starbucks that morning.  (I pay attention to this stuff!).  I think he's starting to grow on me.....


But.... he has several very bad vices (Vices like I don't think I will tell anybody because they are such red flags).  Oh god, what am I doing.  If I just don't think or find out, it's all great right?


Right?


I think he was previously married, and I think he usually sees more than one girl (or at least has sex with) at a time.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING, C????

God, this is such a bad idea.  He is really really nice though, and super thoughtful and yeah okay the sex is pretty effing amazing..... but.... I think my hearts gonna hurt when I find out about the other girls.....

I'm alive everyone.

Sorry.  But I'm alive.

It's been over a year since I last spoke to B.

Sometimes I think I'm doing better.  And sometimes I think I am going crazy.  My thoughts are just so overwhelming.  And loud.  And stupid.  I wish they would go away.

Lately I've been watching a lot of clips and videos of Linkin Park, and Chester Bennington.  It made me happy to see such a happy fellow.  Always smiling and joking and laughing.  Such a happy laugh.  But then.  I was listening to interviews where he would talk about his battles.  The battles he would have with himself.  And..... and it resonated with me.  A lot.  It made me worry a little.  Will I end up just like him...  He's a little over 40, I think.  Originally I would tell myself.  Hey, you made it past 30.   Your're gonna be fine now, you've lived with it so long, you've got it under control now.  But I think for Chester it just built up.  It became unbearable, he didn't learn to cope with it as part of life.  

It consumed him.

I remember him saying, that he would be fine when he was surrounded by people, when he was with friends, or working or making music.  It was when he was alone, where it was bad.  Where his thoughts would just overwhelm him and he would go to a bad place.  That is what happens to me.....  His laughter and happy-go-lucky persona.... sometimes I feel like that is what I reflect.  That I try to be that person in public and around other people.  But at the end of the day, when lying in bed at night.  My overthinking consumes me....

I cannot weigh what is a good thought, what is a bad thought.  I cannot decipher between a good person and a bad person.  I don't want my illness to define me.... but I don't want people to think it is a walk in the park either.  It's hard.  I want to be normal, and not have anxiety and go out and meet people and not worry about things.  But I do.  And I think some of my coworkers think I am being a jerk.  And they don't realize or understand how real this illness is.  How it truly affects someone.  

It's so hard feeling like this.  I can't even describe it.  I went out after work last Friday with 4 co-workers.  Its the first time I've gone out in a majority group of people that I didn't know.  I started to feel uncomfortable and got quiet.  At the end of the night I just waved and left.  And then my co-worker didn't bother to check up on me that I made it home okay, and kind of ignored me today.  So then I assumed they thought I was just being stuck up on Friday.  But I wasn't.  I was just having trouble socializing.  It's hard, and so much effort.  I feel like if I tried to explain this to them they wouldn't understand.  'What is a lot of effort, C? Talking?  Okay, yeah right.'  I think he doesn't get the struggle.  That he can't grasp what I've said so many times.  

I have social anxiety.  I don't do well in big groups

Okay, yeah sure whatever.  Just try harder, then.

Not doing so well

I'm not.

Not exactly, anyways.

I've never felt so consistently sad before. Every day. Every single day. I think to myself at least once.

I don't want to be here.

I wish I wasn't here anymore.

When is this life going to be over.

I'm going to the doctor's this Friday and I think I'm going to ask if I can start some sort of medication. I couldn't beat it on my own.

It makes me kind of sad.  But, I don't think I have anything to lose anymore.  Except my life, I guess.


I'm really sad and I don't want to live with my brother anymore.  I just tried so hard when they both left me alone at the condo to clean up their mess.  I tried so hard to clean it up and make it my home. I spent a lot of money to get rid of all their junk and all of these bad memories.  After all my hard work I finally had a place I was happy to come home to.  It was clean and empty.  I had a routine that I fell into where I kept it clean.  There was no clutter.  I got rid of everything.

I was so happy.

But then my brother moved in.  It wasn't even his fault because of the condo.  It was okay for the first little bit.  But then a year passed. Two years passed.  And I sit here in front of my computer and look around.  There is so much junk everywhere.  I gave up trying to keep it clean.  It was pointless.  I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't sweep.  I couldn't do anything.

And I fell sad again.

There is literally nothing I can do right now.  There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because he can't move out and he doesn't know when.

I feel so sad.


Today, I was feeling not good so I came home and went to sleep right after work.  I dreamed that Brendan sent me a text.  He just wanted to say "Hi" and sent me a handful of pictures and most of them were just random funny photos.  I remember laughing because they were so stupid, but then I started crying because I missed him.

And then I woke up and realized I was dreaming.  That he didn't text me.  That he didn't miss me.

I'm doing great ya'll

Sometimes the answer is to get even.

Become so happy they'll regret not chosing you.  Eventually you'll be happy just for you.


That is the lesson I've learned and taught myself throughout the years and years of depression.

In the beginning I used to be so focused on making them jealous for giving up on me, but in the end I stopped caring what they though and ended up taking care of myself better. And it turned out being a win-win situation for me, because I got healthier and happier and learned to live without them.

I'm not coming back to you.

I can't.

Because you didn't hurt when I did and I will always remember that.

What do I do

What do I do?

What do I do.....

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder why no one ever came back for me

It's because they don't see your worth, is what I'm told.

The problem with that is, when I think of it from the other side, maybe it means I have no worth.

I always think about how fate works.  What are the chances that I would have bumped into both of my brothers and the UPS man that day years ago.  That I happened to get off the train at that exact time, take that exact specific route to my gramma's and for UPS man to have left his thing at that exact same time for us to cross paths.

3 things happened yesterday that I just thought were bizarre (probably mostly me looking for signs, undoubtedly).

The first day where I spent the quarters from my lucky red envelopes from work.

That I was wondering if B ever saw me walking or thought about me and then to have him stop exactly for me at the crosswalk.

The last red bead fell off the anklet I made when I was sad as I lay in bed yesterday.

It means good bye right?

The crosswalk

My funeral home colleagues got me a dozen lucky red envelopes filled with quarters for my last day of work.  I've been saving up the quarters to spend on a chocolate bar or something if I've had a bad day.  Not that I had a really bad day today, but I bought a chocolate using the lucky quarters.  I walked around ECC a bit with J and then started walking home a little bit after 5pm.  As usual I thought a little bit about B.  He even popped into my dreams twice in the last couple weeks. (lucky me) Anyways, I decided to take the usual route home instead of the longer way and was walking down 100 ave when I turned and stopped at the crosswalk to cross.  I watched one car zoom past me and wasn't sure if the car behind it was going to stop or not. It slowed down and so I started to cross.

But then.... I realized it was a black Jeep that had stopped for me......

I looked back up at the driver.

It was B

I actually wasn't sure if it was him or not at first.  I did a double take and stared probably a bit longer than I should have. He nodded at me and that's when I knew.

I think I smiled a little and gave a little wave, then looked down and kept walking.


I thought maybe he would message me when I got home and got a little anxious.  But he didn't, and then I started to do what my brain does best and over thought.  He just nodded at me. Both his hands were on the steering wheel and I kinda thought he would have waved.  So then it just felt like he nodded as an acknowledgement and not to wave Hi.

And so I came to the conclusion that he's mad at me and the last things I said to him.

To be honest, I think I did exactly what I thought I would do when I finally bumped into him again.  We live withing 7 blocks of each other, it was bound to happen.  Wave and drop my gaze.

Maybe it's my goal to become strangers again.

I don't know.  But the first thought that came to my head after I finished crossing was How do I look and I wish I put on lipstick.

The end

The fact of the matter is of course I'm attracted to you too, you knew that. But I always mess up my relationships and I value our friendship more than some chemistry.


Brendan messaged me late at night the other day after about a month of not talking to each other.

I was so happy I started crying (I partially blame the period). I wanted to see him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.

....Almost everything you've said to me in the past few months has been a huge slap in my face. Calling me up just to see if I could look after your dog. Telling me what a Great Friend I am. Chaulking up everything thats been going through my brain since forever as just 'some chemistry'.

Do you know why I like you so much?
Because you're weird.
Because you're always there for me when I need help.
Because I like the person you see me as so much I start to believe I am her.
Because you always make me remember to smile.

Am I doing okay right now? No. No I'm not. I fucking hate winter. Will I be okay? Probably. Eventually. I just need a little more time alone, okay? The stars eventually shine again. They have to.

And then I went to bed. I could barely fall asleep because I started to get scared the he was going to reply back and call me selfish for only thinking of myself and stupid for not saying anything earlier.

I was genuinely scared.

But then, I woke up in the morning and looked at my phone and this time....

I was relieved he didn't reply back.

Of course I do still worry that he'll change his mind, or he didn't reply back because he was mad. Or that one day he'll start thinking I'm selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and needy and cut me off completely. I don't know.... but I can't really worry about that right now.

I do regret a little bit that I forgot to tell him I recognized the effort he was putting into trying to keep me as his friend. That after I stopped wanting to talk to him he did keep messaging me (albeit for the worst reasons) to try and keep me in his life. That his last message to me was really the first time I've seen him acknowledge he had a fault.

I hope he knows that I do miss him. And I might have lied..... that maybe I don't need a little more time, but maybe forever.

Do you know what a mental illness feels like.

A mental illness is waking up and going to work and school every day and feeling fine. Smiling and talking to your classmates and co-workers, and engaging with people. A mental illness is that and also going home and lying in bed for the rest of the day wondering Why no one chooses me. A mental illness is telling yourself you are okay and then crying yourself to sleep at night. A mental illness is wishing people understood you and feeling like a million knives stabbing you when they don't. It is feeling like you are going to be okay in the morning and then praying your hardest that you can die soon when it's night time. It's wanting to die for yourself, but staying alive because it would make others sad.

It's a battle with yourself that only you can understand and losing is easier than winning.

Lost

I feel really lost.

Pretty unsure.

If you want something in your life, go and get it

But also

If it's meant to be, it will come back

I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.

Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....

I paid a lot of attention to him.

I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.

I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,

I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.

Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.

I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.

Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.

Or really. I am just fucking crazy.

Drowning

If I had to give an analogy about what the year I broke up with Dave felt like, I suppose it would go something like this:

Imagine...... imagine you and your significant other are on a cruise. A beautiful, gorgeous relaxing most wonderful cruise. You are just simply enamored with each other.....holding hands and walking on the deck. Standing near the guardrails looking at the beautiful cerulean waves. He looks at you and smiles.

Let's jump in?

You can't....you don't know how to swim, you tell him.

Don't worry, he assures you. I'll always be here.

And so...... you hold onto his hand and jump into the uncertainty below. You're immediately engulfed underwater but you see him in front of you. Smiling. Time seems to slow down and the bubbles surround you. You feel happy, and calm holding his hand. And safe.

And then you both slowly start to surface, still holding his hand tightly.

But then.

When you emerge from the water, you feel him let go of your hand and he swims confidently and surely away.

Never looking back.

Even your family onboard the cruise ship walks away as you cry for their help.

And you're left alone and terrified in the vast ocean as you slowly drown.



And that is how I had to learn to swim......that is how I learned to never trust anyone.