And it was.
Hahaha.
It totally was. I went on 3 dates with Curtis and I fell so in like with him. I've never felt so happy and myself before. I honestly couldn't remember when the last time I felt so naturally happy, and it didn't feel like I was pretending to be someone else around him. I like him so much.
But of course that only means something had to go wrong right. Haha. I just can't believe this is happening again.
I feel depressed, but like imposter depression. Like I'm only pretending to be depressed because he hasn't even left yet. Like I'm over acting. I don't know.
So. In my last post I met up with B, and if something was supposed to happen that night, I didn't move on it because I wanted to go on a date with Curtis. I wanted to see him.
And so I did. We went for bubble teas and a walk that lasted 5 hours. It was so fun. I just remember looking over and seeing him smile all the time made me feel happy, too. At the end of the night he offered (or maybe I asked) to drive me home and I accepted, except halfway home we got pulled over by a cop and when he told Curtis it was going to be a $250 ticket I felt so bad. But I looked over and he was just smiling and told me that nothing was going to ruin his night cause he had such a great time with me.
I felt so happy.
When he got to my driveway, I wanted to kiss him but then got nervous and screamed FUCK as I ran away. But even then he still texted me after and said I was cute.
I liked him so much.
For our next date I invited him over to carve pumpkins for my b-day and Halloween and I had such a nice time again. And he kissed me. He was so sweet, just... Just always opened my door for me, and would want to hold my hand, kiss my forehead and gave me hugs, woke up early just so he could spend a little bit of extra time in bed snuggling with me. Always had something to say, and I just felt like it was everything I ever wanted. I just liked him so much and I thought he did, too.
We were so similar that I just felt so comfortable around him. He was nerdy and didn't laugh at me because I was still learning to drive. Had a similar sense of humour. And I was really attracted to him too. I liked him so much.
And then he got laid off.
And became depressed.
And is talking about moving back to Nova Scotia.
Hahaha. I'm just crushed. I've been high all week just trying not too feel emotions. I don't understand why this is happening again. How. How I thought I had gone through everything.
Getting your heart broken and spiraling into depression for 7 years. Falling in love with your best friend and leaving for 2 years. Falling in love with a narcist and living through verbal abuse for 2 years. All of those I bounced back from. All of those are stories you'd only read about in a high school drama movie. But no, they all happened to me.
And now. Now I feel like I've found the perfect person. Experienced a moment in time of happiness for 2 weeks. And they are leaving me.
I dunno. I hid my phone all day today and called in sick because I'm avoiding life. I just don't want to know what he said. Or maybe he didn't say anything and I'm scared of what I'm going to feel like. I want time to pass so I don't have to feel the pain and be sad again.
Why did I think life was finally falling in place.
My brain is splitting in half too. I don't know if maybe he is just trying to ghost me again. That's my biggest fear. That I'm making a fool out of myself by trying to be so supportive of him but really he is just trying to disappear.
And then I'm scared that I'm playing the saviour card again. That he thinks I'm just trying to be a know it all who talks about no one but herself. I want to try and help him but I don't even know if that is coming across.
I do genuinely believe he is lost this time, but also that I'm jumping to conclusions about him. That I assume he's going to move, that I know what he's going through. But I don't know. So why am I slipping again?
I just don't want to go down a spiral again.
He's 2 years younger than me and maybe he thinks I'm jumping into things, but I worked really hard the last couple years trying to be positive. I've read so many things about learning to listen instead of trying to fix someone. And I don't know if I did that.
I just feel like I'm the thing that's wrong. That I could have done something differently. That I overwhelmed him or scared him or bored him. I don't know. Just.... why does this always happen to me.
All I wanted was a sweet and soft relationship. And I had it for such a short period of time.
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