Plot Twist

Yesterday.  For some reason, I decided to read through a bunch of my blog entries.  Which I'm sure you all know are diary entries.  Originally I was thinking about B and how the last time we saw each other played out.  And because my memory on the past was blurry, I though.... Hey.... if B tried to kiss me one day, I'm positive I would have blogged about it.  And so, I was skimming through my entries, trying to find any posts where I talked about him (And totally went down UPS guy and Andrew Lane). But anyways, it was a little painful, and sometimes funny going through my old posts.  If I ever had the opportunity I think I would ask B about these and if he really was hitting on me or not, at the time. 

Anyways.  After having my puzzle piece brain re-arranged, I went back reading some of my entries but this time with the view knowing that B liked me too.  I don't know why it didn't clue in 4 years ago when he replied back saying "I like you too and you know that"  and I was like .... know what?  But it didn't so here we are again.  B is dating someone, and I chose someone else when I should have chosen him.  

So going back through my entries.  Yup.  I found the entry where B tried to kiss me right here.  He came over pre-clubbing on his bday one night and leaned in for a birthday kiss and I got up and said no.  And do you all want to know why I said no?

It was because I was pining over PBC.

Are you kidding me....  You again?  You were who I was hooked on when B made a move back then and you are who I was hooked on when B made a move again.

Why

Are

You

Here?!!

So.  B tried to kiss me and nothing happened because I had met PBC and was trying to deal with him.  I had completely forgotten we had gone on a couple dates and how things actually unravelled.  And I don't even know if its a good thing that it triggered all these memories.  Because.  They weren't good.  I called him an asshole.  He wasn't the perfect saviour card that I remember him as and boy.  That was a hard read.

And so. Its like I've come full circle again, just EXACTLY back where I was almost 10 years ago.  I still like B, and I still like PBC.  I chose PBC over B and know I'm wondering what would have happened if it went the other way around.

I was thinking a lot about B yesterday.  Mind you I was super, super high, I thought about him a lot.  And especially reading all those posts.....  I really paid attention to him and I'm wondering if all those times he really was trying to make a move on me.  Like when we drove to Victoria Circle "to play Pokemon Go".  Where he held my hand trying to hold the vape.  I don't know, I think I'm just over playing scenarios in my head because I'm so dramatic but.  Oh gosh, those would have been some romantic ideas if that is what he was trying to do.  LOL.

I almost messaged him today to see if he wanted to meet up.  Mostly cause I'm not doing so good after PBC v.2.  But I just don't want to stir his life up again.  I can't believe I turned down a kiss from him 2 times.  Just like... what are the chances.

And back to PBC.  

I dunno.  

I'm going to take a unwelcome break from him.  I don't know what else to do, and I'm upset because 2021 PBC turned out to be a cookie cutter version of 2014 PBC.  The one that just ghosted me and disappeared.  

I mean, do think 2021 PBC is different.  Reading back through my old posts I feel differently about him that I did before.  And I do genuinely feel like I have a connection with him.  But I just don't know why.  It felt so so natural to talk to him.

So.  After our first new date, we texted a lot.  He kept telling me how happy he was and how much he enjoyed spending time with me.  And it was so sweet.  I loved every minute of it and I was so happy.  The second time we met up, we grabbed bubble teas and then came back to my place to start pumpkin carving.  I remember being so nervous because I had told him a couple days ago over text that I wanted to kiss him, so I knew that notion was on the table.  Everywhere I went he would follow me or always be in close vicinity of me.  I don't even know if he knew we were going to spend so much time together but he basically had his Death Eater pumpkin carved in like 2 hours, and then I carved my Mike Wazowski pumpkin in like 6.  Hahaha, but he told me he loved spending time with me and it was so enjoyable.  And so after that he took and posted a picture on his FB and IG.  That reminds me that he will always see that picture as a memory of his.  But so, we went to sit down on the couch and I don't know why but I put a bunch of snacks between us.  Lol, so facepalm right?  And we were just chatting and he was trying so hard not to yawn, but eventually took out his phone to show me a video.  I mean from time to time I definitely stared at him a bit longer cause I wanted to kiss him but I just never managed to find the courage.  So I have to sit in closer to him to see his phone and move the snacks out of the way and bring my legs really close to him and he puts his hand on my leg and starts to rub them a little.  I'm not complaining at all, lol and so things stay like this for about 10 minutes.  The clip ends and then we are kinda quietly chatting and he asks why I'm fidgeting.  I tell him I'm totally not fidgeting, but notice I totally am and stop.  Then he asks me how tall I am and I tell him and he says No Way!  Stand up let me see, and he measures himself against me and says Yeah, I guess you are.  And then he hugs me for a really long time and laughs at how stoic I am.  And we probably say something but then he looks down at me and does the so romantic thing where a guy lifts a girl's chin/face up and kisses her. 

And the rest is history.  We didn't have sex that night, but we made out and I may have taken his pants off and sat on him.  I dunno, I guess it was different this time because when I brought up that we could go upstairs he said we didn't have to and he didn't want to pressure me because it was like, our 2nd date.  And I really did appreciate that actually.  So... lol I gave him blue balls and he put it away.  But we did have sex the next day cause he slept over.  

He told me that he struggles with self image because he used to be a narcissist, and I mean I wouldn't not believe him because when I went to get condoms he asked me if the ones I had would fit him.  And its the only thing he's ever said that made me roll my eyes.  Hahaha.  Though in his defence, it is lengthier than I'm used to...

But so yeah, I just remember him doing so many sweet things.  And he also has unbelievable personal cleanliness.  The only person that rivals this is B.... Lol oh god does this mean they are both narcissists?   Oh no wait, Coleslaw was undoubtedly a narcissist and he was a S.L.O.B.. So well, yeah PBC woke up 30 minutes early for work the day he slept over, so he could not only shower and get ready, but come back and snuggle in bed with me for a little bit.  He would open my door wherever we went and give me forehead and hand kisses, too.  Omg you guys it was so incredibly sweet.  We kept texting everyday and things were going so well.  Our next date he invited me over to his place, after we went Asian Supermarket hopping.  I had so much fun at his place too and we got high (I used a bong for the first time and it was super funny) and ate watermelon gummies and oreos and watched anime and Arcane.  And we had high sex.  Woke up the next morning and had sex again and then we went out and he drove me home, and that was the 2nd best date I had with him before shit hit the fan.

He got laid off the next day.  He became depressed.  He's thinking of moving back to Nova Scotia.  And he stopped talking to me.

I don't know why all this ridiculousness keeps happening to me.  

I was physically and mentally so. happy.  I thought this was it.  I thought I finally found a core puzzle piece.  And then it just went downhill so quickly.  And I'm struggling to accept that I have to start over again.  I don't want to.  I literally saw the finish line and I just don't want to start over again.

I thought this time I was applying all the things I had learned from seeing Coleston for 2 years into this relationship.  Being positive, trying to catch myself when I whine, trying not to gaslight PBC.  The only one I'd say I failed at was not trying to be a saviour.  I do have a saviour complex and I think that is what kicked in the last couple weeks.  And maybe that's what cause PBC to shell up.  I don't know.  I mean, he is going through a lot right now.  He's trying to figure out how to pay his bills, he's trying to figure out if he should leave Edmonton.  

I just wanted this to be my storyline this time.  And so yeah.  That's what's happening.  He's basically stopped talking to me again, albeit I believe he has a valid reason this time.

But I don't know.  My brain has not been doing well since this started happening.  It's torn between 2 beliefs. 

A. He is really struggling and lost
B. He was just using me 

Regardless of what the real answer is.  I don't know how much damage has been done now.  I still really like him and I do believe him 85% but I dunno, what happens next?  Well.  I guess when I think critically, there is like a less than 50% chance he'll reach out to me.  First he has to get over his depression.  Then he has to decide if he wants to move or not.  And then.  I don't know, will I even be on his radar after that.

And so.  Yeah.  That's the reason why I almost reached out to B today.  Because I was lonely and I wanted attention.  I wanted to ruin someone else's relationship, right.  And then I thought about Coleston.  He said he might ask me to look after his dogs next week.  And I don't know I'm kinda holding onto that right now.

It's just so ironic that I'm on the side of the battle with depression this time.  That I'm the one that is having to pull out the tips and tricks to stay happy and fight it off.  And that I'm the one that is losing patience and wanting to tell him to get over it.  And at the same time...... I remember I ghosted Triple Vanilla guy because I was having a mental health problem.  I think it was even the exact same scenario, where we liked each other and the guy was being so nice and sweet and checking in with me and I just ghosted and disappeared.  And so... I know exactly how Curtis is feeling right now and I know it was a real shitty thing to do now, but at the time I just wanted to get away.  This is also what all my friends and family were seeing too?  Is this why people stayed away from me because all the negativity and moping was just just too much.  They didn't know how to help me like I didn't know how to help Curtis?

Just, why do the tables always have to turn on me?  This is karma?  Really.  Now that I've got a leg up on depression, Depression is the next enemy boss I have to face in guys that I'm seeing?  Lol.  Just.  Why!

I don't want to be alone again.  I really really really want Curtis to be happy and stay with me.  I've never wanted anything more in my life before.  I even wished for it on my birthday before he got laid off.