..... but so why do I still not feel good enough?.....
Why am I so unlovable.... Really what is wrong with me that's just to overwhelming and abhorring?
When I try and be myself its too much and too annoying. When I try to be who I'm not and hide in a shell it's still too annoying. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong that makes me so unlovable. That makes men lose interest in me after 2 weeks. Why.
I don't get it, I've been really taking all the lessons I've been taught these last couple years and really learning from them. But so why am I still alone. I don't even think I've been over bearing with Curtis this time. Like..... Things were going amazing the first 2 weeks. I was BEYOND happy, I couldn't believe things were going so well. And then he got laid off and I think spiraled into a deep dark depression. I really tried to be there for him and I don't know. The only thing I can think of is maybe he thought I was like.... encrouching too fast. That he barely knew me and I was just trying to give life advice? I dont know. Well anyways I was trying to be positive around him for like... a month and a half. He's just been moping and incapaple of doing anything, including finding a new job, so shit built up, got worse and... yeah. I don't know what to say. I tried to help in ways I could. I asked if I could do anything to help, maybe a grocery trip, or a hug. And he said a hug would be nice. I really.... I dunno I just feel like I'm not getting a fair bargain in this friendship. Like every single day its about him and him and him, I ask him how he's doing he tells me, he complains, I try and talk to him. He stopped asking about my day and how I was doing and like. I dunno. It's so difficult because he's depressed and going through some shit, I kinda know this feeling so I can't push him and be like Snap the Fuck Outta It, Stop being an attention whore. Like..... things are so one-sided. And then comes to the thoght that enter's my head on bad days. He was just fucking around from day 1. He's over and done with me weeks and weeks ago but just couldn't say anything. In which case this. I would be equally upset about because I asked him so many times, if he is done with me then just say so so I can move on and carry on. But nope, he never said anything. Just beat around the question.
UGH its SO INFURIATING.
Its more upsetting putting this down on a screen but I just HATE MEN LIKE THIS.
Like your ego is so fragile and weak. Causing more problems with your indecisiveness.
On Tuesday I sent him a skip meal cause plans got cancelled and he asked me not to come over, so I wanted to just send him something so he knew someone cared about him. Well, like a couple hours after he got his meal and said thanks, he stopped talking to me. And, like I dont know what I was expecting but it wasn't a closed door. He didn't talk to me for a day and I was just like..... wow okay.... not sure how I feel about this. He does message me on Thursday though and we kinda "chat" (not really because I deleted FB from my phone). On Thursday late at night, I ask him if he's going to let me visit him again because I was lonely and I wanted a little attention. He replies back "Tonight would have been the night, lol" And I was like.... A. That doesn't answer my question, B. What is that even trying to answer? I say to him, yeah not interested (because it was like 10pm) and a Thursday night. He leaves me on read....
That's fine, maybe hes just thinking he does have tendancy to reply later..... Friday morning, nothing. So I double texted "Glad I put myself out there again" (thumbs up). It's true, I've been initiating everything the last little bit and I'm getting so tired of being shot down. IF YOUR NOT INTERESTED FUCKING SAY SO. Like I keep saying this but its been such a one-sided friendship. I'm giving him constant 110% support and positivity and I'm just like.... not getting anything. No attention mentally or physically. F U, Curtis.
He replies back "Well I'm busy Saturday and Sunday so I was just saying yesterday would have been the night to do it" And then I reply " I dunno Would have been nice with more than 20 mintues notice. Coming over only to go straight to sleep and waking up at 630am didn't exactly sound enticing. I wasn't looking for a booty call" And then he said "That is not what the implication was at all" "I was simply stating I was busy the rest of the week and yesterday would have been the best day" And I dunno, seeing Coleston just taught me to stop aruging and walk away when your temper is rising. And it was for me. Like, THAT DIDN'T ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION. "Yesterday" not possible, sorry bud. And your life exists past the weekend, so what you're booked up for the rest of your life?? I can come over never, then is that what you're saying?
Like. I know I sound so stupid and desperate typing this out. Like it should be clearly obvious that this guy has been using me (but gaining nothing but that one free lunch) or just no longer interested and just trying to ghost me until I "get the point". BUT FUCK. IVE ASKED HIM, I'VE GIVEN HIM OUTS ALREADY AND HE DIDN'T TAKE THEM.
His answers yesterday were so short and curt it really hurt me. I was so cut from that, and I still stupidly gave him a positive reply after that.
Kill them with Kindness.
That's what my goal is. It's evil because I want people to know they fucked up for walking away from me.
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