Lost

I feel really lost.

Pretty unsure.

If you want something in your life, go and get it

But also

If it's meant to be, it will come back

I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.

Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....

I paid a lot of attention to him.

I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.

I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,

I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.

Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.

I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.

Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.

Or really. I am just fucking crazy.