near death like state of being

HOY-ho, its mass blog entry time. yaaaaaah.
Dwear Mne, I was so sick yesterday. My dummy of a brofer caught a cold, and he was in and out of my room (TAKING A NAP IN MY BED....) and i ended up catching his cold (dirty son of a....) well actually i just got a wicked sore throat, and i didn't want it 2 get worse so i like, ran 2 save ons and bought medicine and halls, and rubbed vicks vapo-rub all over my bod-ay. my sore throat didn't escalate to anything worse really but i got one hell of a headache on Wednesday right before heading to des. class. Hoy seriously i dont think i've ever had such a throbbing headache before (i was worried i was going to cut off something important or pass out..hahah...bad bad) But nothing happened. However i got home and felt really sick and didn't eat dinner and i tried going 2 bread early but i got really hot under the covers and when i kicked them off i felt really cold. sooo i might have also had a fever too. heh heh. Boy was i sick. Haaah i feel really silly (hey, being sick makes you hallucinate) but while i was in bed i was imagining that it was going to be my last day on earth, and i was kinda scared to fall asleep.....BUT as you can see i'm here writing this blog entry so....'i made it!' haaaaaaar....
Anyways, there is a main reason for this entry today. When i was in NY i realized that me and Ls had a lot in common that i never would have imagined. And she actually really surprised me in the typer of person she is. Well, she has a twin sister (that surprised me because i always think having a twin is really special) and one night the 4 of us girls were just sitting around talking. And we got on the topic of family or something, and Ls told us this story that happened like...several months ago, and i felt it really hit close to home. Anyways, Ls told us that her twin had attempted to commit suicide. She said that she had just walked in to check up on her sister and found her all pale and practically unconscious on her bed. And obviously Ls was really scared and called her family for help, but her dad was really skeptical and didn't want 2 take her 2 the hospital. But thankfully alot of Ls's relatives are in med school and they kept making her drink water and stuff, but eventually her dad finally took her 2 emergency. They had 2 make her drink this...um...charcoal watery stuff as i believe Ls called it, to induce vommiting. And obviously it must taste gross and not wanting 2 drink it. But Ls sat there and held her sisters hand and talked to her till like 6AM just getting her 2 drink the water. Later Ls told us that she was really angry w/ herself because she had walked in on her sister an hour before the whole escapade started and she thought her sister was acting a little weird but didn't think much of it. And she was like *....if i had known and tried 2 talk 2 her then she probably wouldn't have done what she did....* (Her sister is okay right now btw.) But what i found really scary is the stuff Ls told us later. She said that she knew that her sister had problems before this incident happened. She said that at like....11-12-ish her sister stopped taking/getting pictures taken of herself, and she also started like....hurting herself. And when Ls asked her why she did that she said somthing like 'oh because it feels comforting....' And her description of her sister sent a chill up my spine. Because....well there was a period of time where i constantly felt that way, and the way she was describing her sister reminded me of myself. I used to (still do kinda) hate taking pictures of myself or w/ other people because i always felt that i took really bad pictures and that i was really ugly. And actually i dont like looking at pictures of myself from the past because i still see myself as really ugly when compared to all my friends. Same thing goes w/ looking in a mirror too. When i first moved out to edmonton i was actually kind of scared for myself because i did some scary stuff too. My brother used to come home really late from class sometimes therefore i'd be home by myself. every so often i would always get really really upset over something and would start crying and screaming really really hard and i would seriously dig my nails into my palms so hard i'd get welts the next day....this one time i took a serrated knife into the bathroom w/ me and i started 2 run in over my wrist. Like gently at first, and then i started thinking about all the stuff i didn't like about myself. and the more i thought, the more angry i got and the harder i started 2 run the knife across my wrists. It probably must've hurt like hell but at that time it didn't matter because honestly i think the mental anguish was 10X worse than the physical pain. huurg, suicide is so stupid, and i bet half the reasons ppl commit suicide are because of dumb superficial reasons. The world is a pretty shitty place i think, and when someone is feeling a bit depressed, everything can turn against them. I think i thought to much in the past. I cared way too much about what others thought of me and didn't care about myself....god. i dont know how many times i must've thought of suicide when i was 17. I think, though, that one of the main reasons i'm still here today though is because of my family. I mean i dont think any of them knew what i was going through at the time (because i wasn't completely depressed all the time, but everyonce in awhile) but, i still really loved my family and the close friends that i had. And i knew from experience what it felt like when a friend or loved one hurt your feelings or has ever made you cry. And... well i never ever wanted to be the source of that pain or feeling. And, pretty much i knew that if i ever died that way i'd cause a lot of saddness to my loved ones, and that was the last thing that i ever wanted to do.....
Wow. It feels really good getting that out every so often. I mean i dont do that stuff anymore, but when Ls told us that story in NY i was really really quiet, and i thought of telling them about my experience to but....sigh i didnt. I think i felt there was too many ppl there at the time. If it was just me and Ls or me and C maybe i would have. But we'll never know now will we. siiiigh. Anyways, thats the story that i've been wanting 2 put down in words since the night Ls told us that story. ay, its time for bread now okey. cheerio.