It's been just over half a year since I started seeing Coleston.
I first hooked up with him in late May I think it was. I really liked him. He had so much patience for me. And it started getting easier and easier to trust him because he would always message me back. If I got mad it wouldn't matter.
I don't know what went wrong.....
Well... I do.
He's a bad person. He has good intentions.... but he's such a hypocrite. Towards the last little bit we started getting into arguments more and more often. And when I tried to do some problem solving and damage control..... He always got really defenisve. And started blaming me, and would always say I am who I am, I'm not going to change for anyone. So.... So I changed for him. I said I was okay with him sleeping around. It didn't really bother me because he never told me about anyone else. And he was still good company. But then.... sex started not being so fun anymore. It was just the same thing over and over. I would go over, he would ask for a blow job, and then that lead to sex. Never did any foreplay for me. I mean.... in the beginning I did say I didn't like guys going down on me. But .... like a finger wouldn't hurt right?
Around October I started hinting that my birthday was coming up. But he never asked. Finally I just flat out told him. And he said HBD only because I told him my birthday is today. I told him I wanted to go on a road trip and have sex and do drugs. I didn't think it was a lot to ask..... but to this day we never did any of those things. Or anything that I wanted to do really. It was just all about him. Whenever he wanted sex or didn't want it. The first time we argued and I was ready to call it quits, the reason I came back was because he told me 'If you aren't happily coming over and taking my dick night after night, then something has gone terribly wrong.' And so we kinda sorta worked things out. But it never lasted very long. The last argument that we had I told him I wasn't happy and wanted to have a talk to try and work things out. He ignored me. 4 times. Just kept on pretending like I didn't say anything, hoping I would forget. Like a puppy. And I started to get mad and upset. I started realizing how he only wanted things for himself. He didn't care if I was unhappy as long as I came over to sex. It started getting painful because I wasn't turned on half the time. And I just wanted him to make me happy again. But I'm not.
We didn't talk for almost 2 weeks. Missed Christmas. On New Years Eve I was out and about running errands when he send me a text message. 'Happy Holidays, Lover. Hope you are having a good week'. I told him I missed him and Sasha. That I just wanted to talk to him for 5 minutes then we could go home and have make up sex.
His reply:
I have 2 ladies coming over tonight to do molly and play strip poker.
And.....
So.... I'm done.
I don't want to be in your life anymore. I wanted to do those things with you and you knew it. And you just said that to rub in my face.
I'm done getting hurt by you.
I'll miss you, but I don't want someone like you in my life anymore either.
Wednesday, January 02, 2019
When you least expect it
Shit will blow your mind away.
It's been a few months since I last posted something. I went on a couple trips and am feeling better. I've been on Tinder for probably a year or two now and yeaaaaaah I know, Tinder is not the best place to look for guys.... I was talking to someone I really really liked, probably the first 2 weeks I got Tinder and we had a lot in common and I liked talking to him. But, he called in sick last minute during the first 2 times we were supposed to meet up and it made me really really really mad. I think now, that I probably over-reacted but at the time I was like wtf!!! Couldn't have told me like a few hours before? Had to tell me absolutely last minute? Anyways, that didn't go so well and he stopped talking to me.... :(
I talked to a couple more guys and we just didn't have very much chemistry at all. Second most recent guy I thought was kinda cute, and he really really liked talking to me, and wanted to meet up pretty fast. I wasn't feeling sociable but just said yes because I started to feel guilty. Bad idea because I was not prepared to meet a guy who talked so much. Wowsers. I mean, it was nice because he always had something to say, but wow, he always had something to say. Anyways, after that date, he asked for my phone number and I was not excited to give it to him at all. But I did, and I think he could tell I wasn't interested because we texted for a couple days and then he stopped talking to me as well. His favorite ice cream was Triple Vanilla, guys.....
So yeah. Everything has been kind of a bust. No B, Brother still lives with me. It's been a real drag. A few weeks ago, in fact, before I went to Toronto. I got super super mad at T (what else is usual). This guy is just such a bad roommate. Or at least I think so. I find it so hard to live with him sometimes that I just hate coming home. For the most part, its just that the condo has gotten so messy and things aren't where I would like them to be (its my condo!!!!!) and the routine I was so used to is so different. Anyways, a few weeks ago I. slept over at my place. I had to go to the studio for a fitting and then I came back to the condo and T wanted to go do groceries. In the car I asked if we could go get something to eat first because I and I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry. He replied that he would go after groceries because he had to go to work at 7pm. IT WAS 3PM. So he drove straight to the grocery store like I didn't just say I was hungry. I was really really flipping mad (and not just hangry). So. After groceries and I had a bite to eat.....
I did what any normal person would do.
I messaged a guy on Tinder that had been talking to me on and off again/ asking me to come over all the time, even though I wasn't exactly showing a lot of interest.
I messaged him, he invited me over for dinner at his house. I went over. And we had sex 3 times that night.
Sex and he made me candlelit dinner !
I wasn't really expecting anything much, after because it was Tinder. He didn't even know my last name and legit we were naked within the first 10 minutes I got into his place. But, it's been.... 3 weeks I think, and we are still talking to each other, and he's actually a very very sweet guy. I think he likes me outside of his bed.
Yesterday was the first time I saw him after I came back from Toronto, and it had probably been about 2 weeks. He messaged me a couple times after I got back to say he had missed me (and I was like hah, yeah right, okay). I went over around 7pm, played with his dogs. Then we had sex. He made me dinner (spaghetti with meat sauce, which I surprisingly liked because I don't like tomato sauce at all), then we quickly made it over to Yelo'd just before they closed to try the ice cream I've been talking about since the first day I went over. Got back and we uh.... got high. It made me really really sleepy at first and I thought that was going to be it. But he told me that's how the stuff works, I would get really sleepy and then it would kick in and either I would be a zombie if we didn't do anything or we'd just have sex all night long. And the latter is what happened. Around midnight I got up and he stopped playing his video game and sat down on the couch with me and we made out for a bit before having sex pretty hard on the couch. We went into the bedroom and told me 'You get really thirsty from this, so remember to drink lots of water'. Cuddled for a bit and then I totally started to feel everything kick in, and had sex again. Body was starting to feel super numb but I felt so happy. Like I was just lying in bed smiling while he went out for a smoke. He came back and I was super happy to see him and told him, and also said thanks for the drugs (facepalm) and he said thanks for being willing to try them. Had sex again. It was weird (for me) because I'm a bit of a screamer, but on the drugs it was super calm and the kisses were long and sweet. When he came back the second time I just snuggled with him and traced my hands and fingers on his back, arms, chest face etc etc. Everything felt intensified. I asked him how long this would last and he said 'A long time. That's how it works. You kinda go up and down and up and back down. We're about halfway through now'. Snuggled some more and then had sex again. Every time before he went out he brought me a cup of water and told me to drink and this last time when he came back he told me that I would probably start to feel a little bit antsy but it was normal. And so I just laid in bed and hallucinated for like 2 hours. By around 5am I started to feel sleepy and dozed off. Actually I had a really really really good sleep. Like the best sleep I've had in years. It was really nice. Around noon, the guy finally woke up (partially because I had to leave) and he drove me back home. He told me, sometimes a side effect is you get a really big drop in serotonin, so you might feel a little down later, but don't worry it's just temporary okay. And. I just thought it was nice that he kinda kept me in the loop/ no surprises. He also opened the door for me when we went for Starbucks that morning. (I pay attention to this stuff!). I think he's starting to grow on me.....
But.... he has several very bad vices (Vices like I don't think I will tell anybody because they are such red flags). Oh god, what am I doing. If I just don't think or find out, it's all great right?
Right?
I think he was previously married, and I think he usually sees more than one girl (or at least has sex with) at a time. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, C????
God, this is such a bad idea. He is really really nice though, and super thoughtful and yeah okay the sex is pretty effing amazing..... but.... I think my hearts gonna hurt when I find out about the other girls.....
It's been a few months since I last posted something. I went on a couple trips and am feeling better. I've been on Tinder for probably a year or two now and yeaaaaaah I know, Tinder is not the best place to look for guys.... I was talking to someone I really really liked, probably the first 2 weeks I got Tinder and we had a lot in common and I liked talking to him. But, he called in sick last minute during the first 2 times we were supposed to meet up and it made me really really really mad. I think now, that I probably over-reacted but at the time I was like wtf!!! Couldn't have told me like a few hours before? Had to tell me absolutely last minute? Anyways, that didn't go so well and he stopped talking to me.... :(
I talked to a couple more guys and we just didn't have very much chemistry at all. Second most recent guy I thought was kinda cute, and he really really liked talking to me, and wanted to meet up pretty fast. I wasn't feeling sociable but just said yes because I started to feel guilty. Bad idea because I was not prepared to meet a guy who talked so much. Wowsers. I mean, it was nice because he always had something to say, but wow, he always had something to say. Anyways, after that date, he asked for my phone number and I was not excited to give it to him at all. But I did, and I think he could tell I wasn't interested because we texted for a couple days and then he stopped talking to me as well. His favorite ice cream was Triple Vanilla, guys.....
So yeah. Everything has been kind of a bust. No B, Brother still lives with me. It's been a real drag. A few weeks ago, in fact, before I went to Toronto. I got super super mad at T (what else is usual). This guy is just such a bad roommate. Or at least I think so. I find it so hard to live with him sometimes that I just hate coming home. For the most part, its just that the condo has gotten so messy and things aren't where I would like them to be (its my condo!!!!!) and the routine I was so used to is so different. Anyways, a few weeks ago I. slept over at my place. I had to go to the studio for a fitting and then I came back to the condo and T wanted to go do groceries. In the car I asked if we could go get something to eat first because I and I hadn't eaten all day and I was hungry. He replied that he would go after groceries because he had to go to work at 7pm. IT WAS 3PM. So he drove straight to the grocery store like I didn't just say I was hungry. I was really really flipping mad (and not just hangry). So. After groceries and I had a bite to eat.....
I did what any normal person would do.
I messaged a guy on Tinder that had been talking to me on and off again/ asking me to come over all the time, even though I wasn't exactly showing a lot of interest.
I messaged him, he invited me over for dinner at his house. I went over. And we had sex 3 times that night.
Sex and he made me candlelit dinner !
I wasn't really expecting anything much, after because it was Tinder. He didn't even know my last name and legit we were naked within the first 10 minutes I got into his place. But, it's been.... 3 weeks I think, and we are still talking to each other, and he's actually a very very sweet guy. I think he likes me outside of his bed.
Yesterday was the first time I saw him after I came back from Toronto, and it had probably been about 2 weeks. He messaged me a couple times after I got back to say he had missed me (and I was like hah, yeah right, okay). I went over around 7pm, played with his dogs. Then we had sex. He made me dinner (spaghetti with meat sauce, which I surprisingly liked because I don't like tomato sauce at all), then we quickly made it over to Yelo'd just before they closed to try the ice cream I've been talking about since the first day I went over. Got back and we uh.... got high. It made me really really sleepy at first and I thought that was going to be it. But he told me that's how the stuff works, I would get really sleepy and then it would kick in and either I would be a zombie if we didn't do anything or we'd just have sex all night long. And the latter is what happened. Around midnight I got up and he stopped playing his video game and sat down on the couch with me and we made out for a bit before having sex pretty hard on the couch. We went into the bedroom and told me 'You get really thirsty from this, so remember to drink lots of water'. Cuddled for a bit and then I totally started to feel everything kick in, and had sex again. Body was starting to feel super numb but I felt so happy. Like I was just lying in bed smiling while he went out for a smoke. He came back and I was super happy to see him and told him, and also said thanks for the drugs (facepalm) and he said thanks for being willing to try them. Had sex again. It was weird (for me) because I'm a bit of a screamer, but on the drugs it was super calm and the kisses were long and sweet. When he came back the second time I just snuggled with him and traced my hands and fingers on his back, arms, chest face etc etc. Everything felt intensified. I asked him how long this would last and he said 'A long time. That's how it works. You kinda go up and down and up and back down. We're about halfway through now'. Snuggled some more and then had sex again. Every time before he went out he brought me a cup of water and told me to drink and this last time when he came back he told me that I would probably start to feel a little bit antsy but it was normal. And so I just laid in bed and hallucinated for like 2 hours. By around 5am I started to feel sleepy and dozed off. Actually I had a really really really good sleep. Like the best sleep I've had in years. It was really nice. Around noon, the guy finally woke up (partially because I had to leave) and he drove me back home. He told me, sometimes a side effect is you get a really big drop in serotonin, so you might feel a little down later, but don't worry it's just temporary okay. And. I just thought it was nice that he kinda kept me in the loop/ no surprises. He also opened the door for me when we went for Starbucks that morning. (I pay attention to this stuff!). I think he's starting to grow on me.....
But.... he has several very bad vices (Vices like I don't think I will tell anybody because they are such red flags). Oh god, what am I doing. If I just don't think or find out, it's all great right?
Right?
I think he was previously married, and I think he usually sees more than one girl (or at least has sex with) at a time. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, C????
God, this is such a bad idea. He is really really nice though, and super thoughtful and yeah okay the sex is pretty effing amazing..... but.... I think my hearts gonna hurt when I find out about the other girls.....
Monday, March 05, 2018
Sorry. But I'm alive.
It's been over a year since I last spoke to B.
Sometimes I think I'm doing better. And sometimes I think I am going crazy. My thoughts are just so overwhelming. And loud. And stupid. I wish they would go away.
Lately I've been watching a lot of clips and videos of Linkin Park, and Chester Bennington. It made me happy to see such a happy fellow. Always smiling and joking and laughing. Such a happy laugh. But then. I was listening to interviews where he would talk about his battles. The battles he would have with himself. And..... and it resonated with me. A lot. It made me worry a little. Will I end up just like him... He's a little over 40, I think. Originally I would tell myself. Hey, you made it past 30. Your're gonna be fine now, you've lived with it so long, you've got it under control now. But I think for Chester it just built up. It became unbearable, he didn't learn to cope with it as part of life.
It consumed him.
I remember him saying, that he would be fine when he was surrounded by people, when he was with friends, or working or making music. It was when he was alone, where it was bad. Where his thoughts would just overwhelm him and he would go to a bad place. That is what happens to me..... His laughter and happy-go-lucky persona.... sometimes I feel like that is what I reflect. That I try to be that person in public and around other people. But at the end of the day, when lying in bed at night. My overthinking consumes me....
I cannot weigh what is a good thought, what is a bad thought. I cannot decipher between a good person and a bad person. I don't want my illness to define me.... but I don't want people to think it is a walk in the park either. It's hard. I want to be normal, and not have anxiety and go out and meet people and not worry about things. But I do. And I think some of my coworkers think I am being a jerk. And they don't realize or understand how real this illness is. How it truly affects someone.
It's so hard feeling like this. I can't even describe it. I went out after work last Friday with 4 co-workers. Its the first time I've gone out in a majority group of people that I didn't know. I started to feel uncomfortable and got quiet. At the end of the night I just waved and left. And then my co-worker didn't bother to check up on me that I made it home okay, and kind of ignored me today. So then I assumed they thought I was just being stuck up on Friday. But I wasn't. I was just having trouble socializing. It's hard, and so much effort. I feel like if I tried to explain this to them they wouldn't understand. 'What is a lot of effort, C? Talking? Okay, yeah right.' I think he doesn't get the struggle. That he can't grasp what I've said so many times.
I have social anxiety. I don't do well in big groups
Okay, yeah sure whatever. Just try harder, then.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Not doing so well
I'm not.
Not exactly, anyways.
I've never felt so consistently sad before. Every day. Every single day. I think to myself at least once.
I don't want to be here.
I wish I wasn't here anymore.
When is this life going to be over.
I'm going to the doctor's this Friday and I think I'm going to ask if I can start some sort of medication. I couldn't beat it on my own.
It makes me kind of sad. But, I don't think I have anything to lose anymore. Except my life, I guess.
I'm really sad and I don't want to live with my brother anymore. I just tried so hard when they both left me alone at the condo to clean up their mess. I tried so hard to clean it up and make it my home. I spent a lot of money to get rid of all their junk and all of these bad memories. After all my hard work I finally had a place I was happy to come home to. It was clean and empty. I had a routine that I fell into where I kept it clean. There was no clutter. I got rid of everything.
I was so happy.
But then my brother moved in. It wasn't even his fault because of the condo. It was okay for the first little bit. But then a year passed. Two years passed. And I sit here in front of my computer and look around. There is so much junk everywhere. I gave up trying to keep it clean. It was pointless. I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't sweep. I couldn't do anything.
And I fell sad again.
There is literally nothing I can do right now. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because he can't move out and he doesn't know when.
I feel so sad.
Today, I was feeling not good so I came home and went to sleep right after work. I dreamed that Brendan sent me a text. He just wanted to say "Hi" and sent me a handful of pictures and most of them were just random funny photos. I remember laughing because they were so stupid, but then I started crying because I missed him.
And then I woke up and realized I was dreaming. That he didn't text me. That he didn't miss me.
I'm doing great ya'll
Not exactly, anyways.
I've never felt so consistently sad before. Every day. Every single day. I think to myself at least once.
I don't want to be here.
I wish I wasn't here anymore.
When is this life going to be over.
I'm going to the doctor's this Friday and I think I'm going to ask if I can start some sort of medication. I couldn't beat it on my own.
It makes me kind of sad. But, I don't think I have anything to lose anymore. Except my life, I guess.
I'm really sad and I don't want to live with my brother anymore. I just tried so hard when they both left me alone at the condo to clean up their mess. I tried so hard to clean it up and make it my home. I spent a lot of money to get rid of all their junk and all of these bad memories. After all my hard work I finally had a place I was happy to come home to. It was clean and empty. I had a routine that I fell into where I kept it clean. There was no clutter. I got rid of everything.
I was so happy.
But then my brother moved in. It wasn't even his fault because of the condo. It was okay for the first little bit. But then a year passed. Two years passed. And I sit here in front of my computer and look around. There is so much junk everywhere. I gave up trying to keep it clean. It was pointless. I couldn't vacuum, I couldn't sweep. I couldn't do anything.
And I fell sad again.
There is literally nothing I can do right now. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because he can't move out and he doesn't know when.
I feel so sad.
Today, I was feeling not good so I came home and went to sleep right after work. I dreamed that Brendan sent me a text. He just wanted to say "Hi" and sent me a handful of pictures and most of them were just random funny photos. I remember laughing because they were so stupid, but then I started crying because I missed him.
And then I woke up and realized I was dreaming. That he didn't text me. That he didn't miss me.
I'm doing great ya'll
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Sometimes the answer is to get even.
Become so happy they'll regret not chosing you. Eventually you'll be happy just for you.
That is the lesson I've learned and taught myself throughout the years and years of depression.
In the beginning I used to be so focused on making them jealous for giving up on me, but in the end I stopped caring what they though and ended up taking care of myself better. And it turned out being a win-win situation for me, because I got healthier and happier and learned to live without them.
I'm not coming back to you.
I can't.
Because you didn't hurt when I did and I will always remember that.
Become so happy they'll regret not chosing you. Eventually you'll be happy just for you.
That is the lesson I've learned and taught myself throughout the years and years of depression.
In the beginning I used to be so focused on making them jealous for giving up on me, but in the end I stopped caring what they though and ended up taking care of myself better. And it turned out being a win-win situation for me, because I got healthier and happier and learned to live without them.
I'm not coming back to you.
I can't.
Because you didn't hurt when I did and I will always remember that.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Sunday, April 09, 2017
I always think about how fate works. What are the chances that I would have bumped into both of my brothers and the UPS man that day years ago. That I happened to get off the train at that exact time, take that exact specific route to my gramma's and for UPS man to have left his thing at that exact same time for us to cross paths.
3 things happened yesterday that I just thought were bizarre (probably mostly me looking for signs, undoubtedly).
The first day where I spent the quarters from my lucky red envelopes from work.
That I was wondering if B ever saw me walking or thought about me and then to have him stop exactly for me at the crosswalk.
The last red bead fell off the anklet I made when I was sad as I lay in bed yesterday.
It means good bye right?
Friday, April 07, 2017
The crosswalk
My funeral home colleagues got me a dozen lucky red envelopes filled with quarters for my last day of work. I've been saving up the quarters to spend on a chocolate bar or something if I've had a bad day. Not that I had a really bad day today, but I bought a chocolate using the lucky quarters. I walked around ECC a bit with J and then started walking home a little bit after 5pm. As usual I thought a little bit about B. He even popped into my dreams twice in the last couple weeks. (lucky me) Anyways, I decided to take the usual route home instead of the longer way and was walking down 100 ave when I turned and stopped at the crosswalk to cross. I watched one car zoom past me and wasn't sure if the car behind it was going to stop or not. It slowed down and so I started to cross.
But then.... I realized it was a black Jeep that had stopped for me......
I looked back up at the driver.
It was B
I actually wasn't sure if it was him or not at first. I did a double take and stared probably a bit longer than I should have. He nodded at me and that's when I knew.
I think I smiled a little and gave a little wave, then looked down and kept walking.
I thought maybe he would message me when I got home and got a little anxious. But he didn't, and then I started to do what my brain does best and over thought. He just nodded at me. Both his hands were on the steering wheel and I kinda thought he would have waved. So then it just felt like he nodded as an acknowledgement and not to wave Hi.
And so I came to the conclusion that he's mad at me and the last things I said to him.
To be honest, I think I did exactly what I thought I would do when I finally bumped into him again. We live withing 7 blocks of each other, it was bound to happen. Wave and drop my gaze.
Maybe it's my goal to become strangers again.
I don't know. But the first thought that came to my head after I finished crossing was How do I look and I wish I put on lipstick.
But then.... I realized it was a black Jeep that had stopped for me......
I looked back up at the driver.
It was B
I actually wasn't sure if it was him or not at first. I did a double take and stared probably a bit longer than I should have. He nodded at me and that's when I knew.
I think I smiled a little and gave a little wave, then looked down and kept walking.
I thought maybe he would message me when I got home and got a little anxious. But he didn't, and then I started to do what my brain does best and over thought. He just nodded at me. Both his hands were on the steering wheel and I kinda thought he would have waved. So then it just felt like he nodded as an acknowledgement and not to wave Hi.
And so I came to the conclusion that he's mad at me and the last things I said to him.
To be honest, I think I did exactly what I thought I would do when I finally bumped into him again. We live withing 7 blocks of each other, it was bound to happen. Wave and drop my gaze.
Maybe it's my goal to become strangers again.
I don't know. But the first thought that came to my head after I finished crossing was How do I look and I wish I put on lipstick.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
The end
The fact of the matter is of course I'm attracted to you too, you knew that. But I always mess up my relationships and I value our friendship more than some chemistry.
Brendan messaged me late at night the other day after about a month of not talking to each other.
I was so happy I started crying (I partially blame the period). I wanted to see him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.
....Almost everything you've said to me in the past few months has been a huge slap in my face. Calling me up just to see if I could look after your dog. Telling me what a Great Friend I am. Chaulking up everything thats been going through my brain since forever as just 'some chemistry'.
Do you know why I like you so much?
Because you're weird.
Because you're always there for me when I need help.
Because I like the person you see me as so much I start to believe I am her.
Because you always make me remember to smile.
Am I doing okay right now? No. No I'm not. I fucking hate winter. Will I be okay? Probably. Eventually. I just need a little more time alone, okay? The stars eventually shine again. They have to.
And then I went to bed. I could barely fall asleep because I started to get scared the he was going to reply back and call me selfish for only thinking of myself and stupid for not saying anything earlier.
I was genuinely scared.
But then, I woke up in the morning and looked at my phone and this time....
I was relieved he didn't reply back.
Of course I do still worry that he'll change his mind, or he didn't reply back because he was mad. Or that one day he'll start thinking I'm selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and needy and cut me off completely. I don't know.... but I can't really worry about that right now.
I do regret a little bit that I forgot to tell him I recognized the effort he was putting into trying to keep me as his friend. That after I stopped wanting to talk to him he did keep messaging me (albeit for the worst reasons) to try and keep me in his life. That his last message to me was really the first time I've seen him acknowledge he had a fault.
I hope he knows that I do miss him. And I might have lied..... that maybe I don't need a little more time, but maybe forever.
Brendan messaged me late at night the other day after about a month of not talking to each other.
I was so happy I started crying (I partially blame the period). I wanted to see him, but I knew I wasn't supposed to.
....Almost everything you've said to me in the past few months has been a huge slap in my face. Calling me up just to see if I could look after your dog. Telling me what a Great Friend I am. Chaulking up everything thats been going through my brain since forever as just 'some chemistry'.
Do you know why I like you so much?
Because you're weird.
Because you're always there for me when I need help.
Because I like the person you see me as so much I start to believe I am her.
Because you always make me remember to smile.
Am I doing okay right now? No. No I'm not. I fucking hate winter. Will I be okay? Probably. Eventually. I just need a little more time alone, okay? The stars eventually shine again. They have to.
And then I went to bed. I could barely fall asleep because I started to get scared the he was going to reply back and call me selfish for only thinking of myself and stupid for not saying anything earlier.
I was genuinely scared.
But then, I woke up in the morning and looked at my phone and this time....
I was relieved he didn't reply back.
Of course I do still worry that he'll change his mind, or he didn't reply back because he was mad. Or that one day he'll start thinking I'm selfish and greedy and self-absorbed and needy and cut me off completely. I don't know.... but I can't really worry about that right now.
I do regret a little bit that I forgot to tell him I recognized the effort he was putting into trying to keep me as his friend. That after I stopped wanting to talk to him he did keep messaging me (albeit for the worst reasons) to try and keep me in his life. That his last message to me was really the first time I've seen him acknowledge he had a fault.
I hope he knows that I do miss him. And I might have lied..... that maybe I don't need a little more time, but maybe forever.
Sunday, February 05, 2017
Do you know what a mental illness feels like.
A mental illness is waking up and going to work and school every day and feeling fine. Smiling and talking to your classmates and co-workers, and engaging with people. A mental illness is that and also going home and lying in bed for the rest of the day wondering Why no one chooses me. A mental illness is telling yourself you are okay and then crying yourself to sleep at night. A mental illness is wishing people understood you and feeling like a million knives stabbing you when they don't. It is feeling like you are going to be okay in the morning and then praying your hardest that you can die soon when it's night time. It's wanting to die for yourself, but staying alive because it would make others sad.
It's a battle with yourself that only you can understand and losing is easier than winning.
A mental illness is waking up and going to work and school every day and feeling fine. Smiling and talking to your classmates and co-workers, and engaging with people. A mental illness is that and also going home and lying in bed for the rest of the day wondering Why no one chooses me. A mental illness is telling yourself you are okay and then crying yourself to sleep at night. A mental illness is wishing people understood you and feeling like a million knives stabbing you when they don't. It is feeling like you are going to be okay in the morning and then praying your hardest that you can die soon when it's night time. It's wanting to die for yourself, but staying alive because it would make others sad.
It's a battle with yourself that only you can understand and losing is easier than winning.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Lost
I feel really lost.
Pretty unsure.
If you want something in your life, go and get it
But also
If it's meant to be, it will come back
I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.
Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....
I paid a lot of attention to him.
I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.
I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,
I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.
Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.
I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.
Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.
Or really. I am just fucking crazy.
Pretty unsure.
If you want something in your life, go and get it
But also
If it's meant to be, it will come back
I think about B every day right when I wake up, throughout the day and right before I fall asleep. I wake up a couple times throughout the night and look at my phone hoping maybe I'll see a text from him. But of course most of the time there's nothing there. Just the stupid 'Battery sufficiently charged' message.
Sometimes he does message me and I feel happy for like an hour. Really really happy. Oh, he thought of me. But then, I let a bit of time pass and then I start to feel sad. He's just trying to stay friends with me...... and that's not what I want..... And then I usually lie in bed and either cry myself to sleep or knock myself out with sleeping meds and melatonin. I'm over thinking the shit right now. But I guess that's what mental illnesses do, right. Slowly kill you. I think that B is actually doing this on purpose. He keeps messaging me, and trying to be friends and pretending like nothing happened, so when I finally snap and tell him to Leave me the Fuck Alone, he can tell all our mutual friends that I ended the friendship. It's either that, or he's a really big selfish idiot that has no idea what a Broken Heart feels like. That he had no idea how much I liked him.....
I paid a lot of attention to him.
I remember a lot of things about him. Just like I remembered things about Dave.
I remember that he doesn't like carrying around gift cards. I remember his birthday. I remember his parents and sister's name. I remember places he doesn't like to eat. I remembered his address for the most part. I remember the name of the gf he dated for 7 years,
I remember a lot of things about him, but I bet he doesn't remember many things about me.
Some nights I feel really really sad that he didn't return my like.... and then some nights I practically convince myself that I gotta move on because he doesn't care about me and I'm just holding myself back. But then at the very end of the night my eyes water and I fall asleep thinking about him.
I feel really lost. I don't know if I actually miss him or if I just miss the person I wanted to be with.
Who wasn't really a real person, but someone I imagined.
Or really. I am just fucking crazy.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Drowning
If I had to give an analogy about what the year I broke up with Dave felt like, I suppose it would go something like this:
Imagine...... imagine you and your significant other are on a cruise. A beautiful, gorgeous relaxing most wonderful cruise. You are just simply enamored with each other.....holding hands and walking on the deck. Standing near the guardrails looking at the beautiful cerulean waves. He looks at you and smiles.
Let's jump in?
You can't....you don't know how to swim, you tell him.
Don't worry, he assures you. I'll always be here.
And so...... you hold onto his hand and jump into the uncertainty below. You're immediately engulfed underwater but you see him in front of you. Smiling. Time seems to slow down and the bubbles surround you. You feel happy, and calm holding his hand. And safe.
And then you both slowly start to surface, still holding his hand tightly.
But then.
When you emerge from the water, you feel him let go of your hand and he swims confidently and surely away.
Never looking back.
Even your family onboard the cruise ship walks away as you cry for their help.
And you're left alone and terrified in the vast ocean as you slowly drown.
And that is how I had to learn to swim......that is how I learned to never trust anyone.
Imagine...... imagine you and your significant other are on a cruise. A beautiful, gorgeous relaxing most wonderful cruise. You are just simply enamored with each other.....holding hands and walking on the deck. Standing near the guardrails looking at the beautiful cerulean waves. He looks at you and smiles.
Let's jump in?
You can't....you don't know how to swim, you tell him.
Don't worry, he assures you. I'll always be here.
And so...... you hold onto his hand and jump into the uncertainty below. You're immediately engulfed underwater but you see him in front of you. Smiling. Time seems to slow down and the bubbles surround you. You feel happy, and calm holding his hand. And safe.
And then you both slowly start to surface, still holding his hand tightly.
But then.
When you emerge from the water, you feel him let go of your hand and he swims confidently and surely away.
Never looking back.
Even your family onboard the cruise ship walks away as you cry for their help.
And you're left alone and terrified in the vast ocean as you slowly drown.
And that is how I had to learn to swim......that is how I learned to never trust anyone.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
I'm fine
If I tell you I'm not doing okay, don't believe me.
I'm lying.
I'm just being dramatic and want attention.
I'm fine. I'm alright. Stop pretending you're not okay, because you are.
I'm lying.
I'm just being dramatic and want attention.
I'm fine. I'm alright. Stop pretending you're not okay, because you are.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
We're just friends.
Well.
Maybe not even anymore.
I couldn't take the pretending anymore so I just told him I liked him.
To sum it up. He didn't know what to say and kept pretending/trying to talk to me like nothing had happened which made it really really really hard on me. He even got mad at me for not talking to him.
And so, right before New Years Eve I just said to him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was in a lot of pain.
And he hasn't talked to me since.
I keep telling myself he's just super selfish and contradicted everything he said about me. He's probably still dating the 22 year old, going out partying every week, and doesn't care. I keep telling myself a lot of things to feel better. That he never really paid attention to little details about me anyways. That I cared a lot more than I should have for him.
It's not so bad. I'm not as sad as when I lost Dave and it's a lot easier this time around. Most likely because we never actually dated.
I just pretended.
Well.
Maybe not even anymore.
I couldn't take the pretending anymore so I just told him I liked him.
To sum it up. He didn't know what to say and kept pretending/trying to talk to me like nothing had happened which made it really really really hard on me. He even got mad at me for not talking to him.
And so, right before New Years Eve I just said to him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because I was in a lot of pain.
And he hasn't talked to me since.
I keep telling myself he's just super selfish and contradicted everything he said about me. He's probably still dating the 22 year old, going out partying every week, and doesn't care. I keep telling myself a lot of things to feel better. That he never really paid attention to little details about me anyways. That I cared a lot more than I should have for him.
It's not so bad. I'm not as sad as when I lost Dave and it's a lot easier this time around. Most likely because we never actually dated.
I just pretended.
Friday, November 25, 2016
I've developed a small addiction to sleeping pills.
It started a couple years ago when my doctor prescribed me Zoplicone.
It just made everything go away. Especially all the memories.
It gave me a little break in life. A few hours of peace and quiet where my brain wouldn't think, and I didn't feel sad.
Eventually of course the prescription ran out, and when I went to ask for more, he cut it down to 20 and said that he probably wouldn't give me anymore. So. Then I stopped using them. I saved them up for really bad nights. And some time went by. But then I found out you could order OTC sleeping pills online. With almost the same effect as the prescription pills. In almost twice the amount with no one stopping me, I take them as often as I can. In fact I've taken them every day this week.
And I think last week.
Sometimes I mix it up with a bit of Melatonin and I feel nothing at all.
It is the best thing in life.
If you guys saw how much pain I felt the last time I saw him, you would understand too.
It started a couple years ago when my doctor prescribed me Zoplicone.
It just made everything go away. Especially all the memories.
It gave me a little break in life. A few hours of peace and quiet where my brain wouldn't think, and I didn't feel sad.
Eventually of course the prescription ran out, and when I went to ask for more, he cut it down to 20 and said that he probably wouldn't give me anymore. So. Then I stopped using them. I saved them up for really bad nights. And some time went by. But then I found out you could order OTC sleeping pills online. With almost the same effect as the prescription pills. In almost twice the amount with no one stopping me, I take them as often as I can. In fact I've taken them every day this week.
And I think last week.
Sometimes I mix it up with a bit of Melatonin and I feel nothing at all.
It is the best thing in life.
If you guys saw how much pain I felt the last time I saw him, you would understand too.
Tuesday, November 08, 2016
Shortly after I posted yesterday's post, B gave me call.
He just had a funny story to tell me and chatted for a bit and then asked if I was gonna go out and play Pokémon. I actually was thinking about it and had just finished my hw, so I ended up going out to meet up.
We walked around dwtn for a couple hours and he bought me a hot cocoa. Somehow we got on the topic of girls and he called the girl that he was seeing his girlfriend, and I started feeling kinda sad because before, he would just say The girl that I'm kinda seeing. It was getting pretty close to midnight so we started heading back and he said he would walk me home. But then his girlfriend messaged him to say she was on her way to his place. And he said 'Oh I guess X is on her way over to see me. Wasn't expecting that but that's a nice surprise'.
And, I just started feeling really sad.
Eventually we made it close to his place and his gf said she was already there and he said 'Okay, I'm almost there, and I'm pretty bundled up so I'll be really warm.'
And, I just felt my heart crush itself.
We got to the fork in the road and he looked at me and asked if I wanted a ride home. I laughed and said no, your gf is waiting. And he asked again 'Are you sure?'
I'm fine.
And I smiled and left.
And as soon as I was half a block away my eyes started watering uncontrollably. All the way back home and into bed.
He just had a funny story to tell me and chatted for a bit and then asked if I was gonna go out and play Pokémon. I actually was thinking about it and had just finished my hw, so I ended up going out to meet up.
We walked around dwtn for a couple hours and he bought me a hot cocoa. Somehow we got on the topic of girls and he called the girl that he was seeing his girlfriend, and I started feeling kinda sad because before, he would just say The girl that I'm kinda seeing. It was getting pretty close to midnight so we started heading back and he said he would walk me home. But then his girlfriend messaged him to say she was on her way to his place. And he said 'Oh I guess X is on her way over to see me. Wasn't expecting that but that's a nice surprise'.
And, I just started feeling really sad.
Eventually we made it close to his place and his gf said she was already there and he said 'Okay, I'm almost there, and I'm pretty bundled up so I'll be really warm.'
And, I just felt my heart crush itself.
We got to the fork in the road and he looked at me and asked if I wanted a ride home. I laughed and said no, your gf is waiting. And he asked again 'Are you sure?'
I'm fine.
And I smiled and left.
And as soon as I was half a block away my eyes started watering uncontrollably. All the way back home and into bed.
Monday, November 07, 2016
Falco Lombardi
Because Geez Louise....
I genuinely think sometimes when I talk to B for multiple days straight, and then don't talk to him for a day.
I go through withdraw.
Oh. Em. Gee.
How pathetic.
Like genuinely, if he doesn't reply back to a text of mine (that's not a question) I just take it that he's busy, or he needs a break from talking to me every day, so I just lay off and leave him alone till whenever. Usually he's the one that breaks the ice again but once in awhile (like today) I keep checking my phone to see if he's messaged or called me, and then feel a little bummed that he hasn't.
And then usually I think of some stupid idea to text him and then I see how pathetic I look and go try and do something distracting.
Oh.
Look.
I have Japanese HW to do.
Lets go do that :(
I genuinely think sometimes when I talk to B for multiple days straight, and then don't talk to him for a day.
I go through withdraw.
Oh. Em. Gee.
How pathetic.
Like genuinely, if he doesn't reply back to a text of mine (that's not a question) I just take it that he's busy, or he needs a break from talking to me every day, so I just lay off and leave him alone till whenever. Usually he's the one that breaks the ice again but once in awhile (like today) I keep checking my phone to see if he's messaged or called me, and then feel a little bummed that he hasn't.
And then usually I think of some stupid idea to text him and then I see how pathetic I look and go try and do something distracting.
Oh.
Look.
I have Japanese HW to do.
Lets go do that :(
Sunday, November 06, 2016
Raichu-se You
Aaaaaaaaahm.....
So as per usual, I'm probably thinking too much.... but B and I have been hanging out and texting a lot. Like... every day for the last few weeks....
I dunno man, I can't tell. Maybe he talks to all his friends this much. But,....before he was kinda being his usual creeper guy-self talking about girls and stuff and lately he hasn't really. Well not exactly. I guess he did mention that he went shopping with the girl he was seeing a couple weeks ago. And he does keep saying how he thinks he's just being used as a winter boyfriend. I dunno really that should kinda clue me in that we're just friends right?
I just can't put my finger on it but I think maybe.... he might like me too?
Eep, I dunno, its a stressful thought. It's certainly something I'm wishful for, but I'm pretty scared I'm wrong and my soul's gonna be crushed....
So, a couple weeks ago I was getting mad tired from back to back midterms and Halloween and volunteering. I texted B and asked if he wanted to go to BBT after I got off class. He said he had a condo board meeting but would be done around the time I got off class (at 8:30pm). So, I finished class and stuck around campus for half an hour. Then I started getting that dreadful 'stood-up' feeling. I walked home and ate dinner and then texting him around 9:45pm.
You're not coming around you
I tried not to be too bummed out and called my parents to catch up. Around 15 minutes later he calls me and leaves a vm. And then texts me as well. His condo meeting went way longer than he though and called me right as he got out. I was pretty bummed out but I guess it wasn't his fault, so I just replied back and said I was already home and on the phone with my mom. He asked if I still wanted to go out and I just said no, to which he replied Okay have a good night then (or something). I listened to his vm later and it said pretty much the same thing, but also asked me to call him back. Not sure why that makes me feel sentimental.....
My imagination is going a little crazy lately and I feel like I think something is gonna happen, but I'm totally terrified that I'm completely wrong. Like I'm gonna say 'B I like you' and hes gonna be like Whoa What? No, Don't.
I was being really mope-y during midterm week because I literally didn't have time to do anything with anybody and he was being really nice and positive and trying to help me.
On my Birthday last week I invited him and a bunch of friends over for pumpkin carving. He came over super late and somehow managed to cut his thumb carving a pumpkin. I swear he was acting like a baby and I asked if he needed a bandaid or a wrap and he gave me the most 'Go Away' face I have ever seen. I was actually scared to talk to him for the rest of the night. He got so mad he left and went for a walk and I just thought he wasn't coming back. I was genuinely scared that he was that mad. Eventually he came back and said he actually started feeling light headed and had to go for a walk. Everyone laughed at him and I was still scared to talk to him and then everyone left around 1am.
I just assumed he wasn't going to talk to me for the next few days because I was being so mom-ish but he actually called me the next day to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I was working and couldn't and then he said had lots of fun pumpkin carving. I laughed and said I didn't believe him and he said he just didn't feel good after and was getting light headed. (I think maybe he was embarrassed and didn't want to look like a wiener in front of everyone?). Anyways, I was really glad he called because I thought he was upset.
The next day he texts me at 2:30am to say he is at the hospital because his thumb has swollen and infected. When I woke up and saw the message at 8am I actually thought it was a dick pick because it was a thumbnail of just his thumb. Thankfully it was not and I felt kinda bad because I distinctly remember him saying 'If this gets infected I'm not coming over again'
When I get off work I text and ask if he's at home and wants me to bring some food over. He replies back that he went to his parents' place for dinner and his parents said I could come if I wanted. I did not wish to come and that was that. He does text me again with some pokemon related stuff as he was trying to catch up to me.
The next few days he keeps texting me about pokemon, pokemon, pokemon. I'm still prepping for my last midterm. I end up inviting him to pizza with my brother and BFF because I knew he was around us playing pokemon. The entire dinner he was just talking about pokemon and then when he realized he passed me again he kept saying how I must have been so mad. I wasn't really at first because, I mean, I hadn't played in like 2 days whereas he was going hard for the last few days. I kept saying I wasn't mad and it started making me mad that he didn't believe me. So then, yes I got mad. Then I got home and texted him a long ass email saying it was really stupid of him to have kept rubbing something like that in my face until it made me mad. I told him that I wasn't trying to be in competition, but it was just a fun thing for me to do when I walked to work or school and that sometimes I got to see him. He just made up some stupid reason and kept going on about how pokemon was this and that. And I didn't respond and just went to bed upset.
The next morning I woke up and my hair was like Elvira because I must have been tossing and turning in my sleep. What surprised me though was B texted me a little article that made him think of me and said Good Morning and Have a Good Day. I was really surprised, so I texted him a photo of my intense bed-hair and said it was a result of going to bed mad. He laughed and told me again to have a good day.
He still does send me the odd text about pokemon, and calls me up to see if I want to hang out. And actually I remember saying to him once:
'I can't tell if you actually like talking to me or if its because I'm a Pokemon Master who just happens to live by you'
His answer was He didn't know either....
The last kinda exciting, confusing, story I have for you guys is a couple days ago while I was in a studying coma and thought I was going to go crazy. B was doing his usual Pokemon texting and seeing where we should go when I had free time. I was being super emo and negative and complaining. Eventually I went to bed and asked why he was talking to me so much lately and if he was getting tired because I complain so much around midterms.
His reply was
Probably Soon
I was actually secretly hoping for a really poetic and sweet answer. Something like the lyrics to a 2000 boyband song. I actually texted him that. And he replied right away with the chorus to a funny one hit wonder parody.
I replied back that I was really hoping for a sweeter Nsync or One Direction Song, but that I would take what I could get. Then I tried to change the topic.
He replied back with the lyrics to B4-4's Get Down song (If you get down on me I'll get down on you)
I laughed really hard and then my face turned red. I was definitely not expecting that from him.
After the lyrics he didn't talk to me again for a couple days. Until I texted him again, actually.
Oh man. I dunno. Either something's happening or Nothing's happening. I keep thinking I'm gonna say something to him, but when I see him I just forget about it. But then I always get scared that he's gonna start seriously dating again and I'll have missed my opportunity.
But what if it's not even an opportunity in the first place....
So as per usual, I'm probably thinking too much.... but B and I have been hanging out and texting a lot. Like... every day for the last few weeks....
I dunno man, I can't tell. Maybe he talks to all his friends this much. But,....before he was kinda being his usual creeper guy-self talking about girls and stuff and lately he hasn't really. Well not exactly. I guess he did mention that he went shopping with the girl he was seeing a couple weeks ago. And he does keep saying how he thinks he's just being used as a winter boyfriend. I dunno really that should kinda clue me in that we're just friends right?
I just can't put my finger on it but I think maybe.... he might like me too?
Eep, I dunno, its a stressful thought. It's certainly something I'm wishful for, but I'm pretty scared I'm wrong and my soul's gonna be crushed....
So, a couple weeks ago I was getting mad tired from back to back midterms and Halloween and volunteering. I texted B and asked if he wanted to go to BBT after I got off class. He said he had a condo board meeting but would be done around the time I got off class (at 8:30pm). So, I finished class and stuck around campus for half an hour. Then I started getting that dreadful 'stood-up' feeling. I walked home and ate dinner and then texting him around 9:45pm.
You're not coming around you
I tried not to be too bummed out and called my parents to catch up. Around 15 minutes later he calls me and leaves a vm. And then texts me as well. His condo meeting went way longer than he though and called me right as he got out. I was pretty bummed out but I guess it wasn't his fault, so I just replied back and said I was already home and on the phone with my mom. He asked if I still wanted to go out and I just said no, to which he replied Okay have a good night then (or something). I listened to his vm later and it said pretty much the same thing, but also asked me to call him back. Not sure why that makes me feel sentimental.....
My imagination is going a little crazy lately and I feel like I think something is gonna happen, but I'm totally terrified that I'm completely wrong. Like I'm gonna say 'B I like you' and hes gonna be like Whoa What? No, Don't.
I was being really mope-y during midterm week because I literally didn't have time to do anything with anybody and he was being really nice and positive and trying to help me.
On my Birthday last week I invited him and a bunch of friends over for pumpkin carving. He came over super late and somehow managed to cut his thumb carving a pumpkin. I swear he was acting like a baby and I asked if he needed a bandaid or a wrap and he gave me the most 'Go Away' face I have ever seen. I was actually scared to talk to him for the rest of the night. He got so mad he left and went for a walk and I just thought he wasn't coming back. I was genuinely scared that he was that mad. Eventually he came back and said he actually started feeling light headed and had to go for a walk. Everyone laughed at him and I was still scared to talk to him and then everyone left around 1am.
I just assumed he wasn't going to talk to me for the next few days because I was being so mom-ish but he actually called me the next day to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I was working and couldn't and then he said had lots of fun pumpkin carving. I laughed and said I didn't believe him and he said he just didn't feel good after and was getting light headed. (I think maybe he was embarrassed and didn't want to look like a wiener in front of everyone?). Anyways, I was really glad he called because I thought he was upset.
The next day he texts me at 2:30am to say he is at the hospital because his thumb has swollen and infected. When I woke up and saw the message at 8am I actually thought it was a dick pick because it was a thumbnail of just his thumb. Thankfully it was not and I felt kinda bad because I distinctly remember him saying 'If this gets infected I'm not coming over again'
When I get off work I text and ask if he's at home and wants me to bring some food over. He replies back that he went to his parents' place for dinner and his parents said I could come if I wanted. I did not wish to come and that was that. He does text me again with some pokemon related stuff as he was trying to catch up to me.
The next few days he keeps texting me about pokemon, pokemon, pokemon. I'm still prepping for my last midterm. I end up inviting him to pizza with my brother and BFF because I knew he was around us playing pokemon. The entire dinner he was just talking about pokemon and then when he realized he passed me again he kept saying how I must have been so mad. I wasn't really at first because, I mean, I hadn't played in like 2 days whereas he was going hard for the last few days. I kept saying I wasn't mad and it started making me mad that he didn't believe me. So then, yes I got mad. Then I got home and texted him a long ass email saying it was really stupid of him to have kept rubbing something like that in my face until it made me mad. I told him that I wasn't trying to be in competition, but it was just a fun thing for me to do when I walked to work or school and that sometimes I got to see him. He just made up some stupid reason and kept going on about how pokemon was this and that. And I didn't respond and just went to bed upset.
The next morning I woke up and my hair was like Elvira because I must have been tossing and turning in my sleep. What surprised me though was B texted me a little article that made him think of me and said Good Morning and Have a Good Day. I was really surprised, so I texted him a photo of my intense bed-hair and said it was a result of going to bed mad. He laughed and told me again to have a good day.
He still does send me the odd text about pokemon, and calls me up to see if I want to hang out. And actually I remember saying to him once:
'I can't tell if you actually like talking to me or if its because I'm a Pokemon Master who just happens to live by you'
His answer was He didn't know either....
The last kinda exciting, confusing, story I have for you guys is a couple days ago while I was in a studying coma and thought I was going to go crazy. B was doing his usual Pokemon texting and seeing where we should go when I had free time. I was being super emo and negative and complaining. Eventually I went to bed and asked why he was talking to me so much lately and if he was getting tired because I complain so much around midterms.
His reply was
Probably Soon
I was actually secretly hoping for a really poetic and sweet answer. Something like the lyrics to a 2000 boyband song. I actually texted him that. And he replied right away with the chorus to a funny one hit wonder parody.
I replied back that I was really hoping for a sweeter Nsync or One Direction Song, but that I would take what I could get. Then I tried to change the topic.
He replied back with the lyrics to B4-4's Get Down song (If you get down on me I'll get down on you)
I laughed really hard and then my face turned red. I was definitely not expecting that from him.
After the lyrics he didn't talk to me again for a couple days. Until I texted him again, actually.
Oh man. I dunno. Either something's happening or Nothing's happening. I keep thinking I'm gonna say something to him, but when I see him I just forget about it. But then I always get scared that he's gonna start seriously dating again and I'll have missed my opportunity.
But what if it's not even an opportunity in the first place....
Saturday, October 08, 2016
Dissipating
I think, maybe its going away?
The like is going away you guys.
B's been back from Japan for about 2 weeks now and I think I'm doing better. I was really avoiding him the first week he came back because I didn't know how I was going to feel. I think the first time I saw him after he came back from Japan (minus P's bday for 15 seconds) was last Saturday when he came by my place. I was hermit-ing and baking Apple Pies. B told me to come out to Common with him and his friends and I said I was baking Apple Pie but would come out later. But then I thought about it and I didn't want to go. So I just stayed at home and cut 2 dozen and a half apples. And then B called me and asked if he could come over to have some pie.
.......
I think, in any other world that would be the equivalent to Netflix and Chill.
But not in mine. Come over and have some pie, literally just means, come over and have some pie.
Several years ago, I was up doing some Midnight Baking. I texted B at like 1am and asked if he wanted to come over for some pie and to bring some ice cream. He totally came over and brought ice cream. I gave him a slice of pie and then he went home. I didn't think anything of it at the time but ..... wtf ? Who asks a guy to come over to her place late at night to eat pie. Geezus, I'm an idiot.
Anyways. Back to Pie II. He came over but the pies were still in the oven so he just came over and chatted. Kinda. I didn't really talk much. I just did the dishes and didn't make eye contact and he showed me music videos. Eventually his phone rang and he started asking someone where they were. He asked enough times and slow enough that I guessed whoever he was speaking to's first language was not English. In other words the girl he was seeing. He hung up and said he was gonna go to the Common, then gave me a look over and said 'You're not coming are you'. I looked down and shook my head. In my head I was about 90% sure I wasn't going even before B got to my place, but knowing his gf would be there was the hammer in the coffin. Why do something that you know will make you sad? So, I just walked him to the foyer and said good night.
Funny thing is he actually texted me later saying the girl got lost and went home, and that his other friends bailed too. I almost went out to see him. Almost.
But. After that day I guess maybe I started to feel a bit better. I forgot to say that I ended up telling B I couldn't make his costume anymore, and he said it was okay. Actually. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and then 6 hours later I told him I could squish it in if worked on it every day after class. I also said him and my brothers were the only people I would do this for. And that's when he said not to worry about it. And then I felt a bit of relief.
The following next things that happened are just me fangirl-ing about implied meanings.
I haven't really seen B minus the above time. But he has texted and called me a few times. I guess he does make an effort to keep me in his life.
But so a few days ago I was prepping for dinner when I missed a call from B. I called him back and he was passing my place and wanted to see if I wanted to grab a bite, but he was already in the SS. My reply was 'Oh Sorry I can't I'm washing my zucchini..... It's a big zucchini.....' And we both laughed. It was a really big zucchini!
The next day he texted me again 'Hey, donuts?' I replied by 'Nice to see you too, muffin' I assumed he wanted to go to Take 5 and I said I could go in 10 minutes. Then he replied a few minutes later saying he changed his mind and was just going to go solo somewhere else. I literally felt my heart sink. I texted him back 'Wow, that didn't crush my spirits of seeing you at all' (I actually feel like a bit of attitude is coming back). He replied that he was just about to eat but my guilt worked on him and he was coming to get me.
And so he did. We just went to Gama and I had a tea while he ate. The server was pretty and when she asked he said 'We're just friends'. Heart didn't hurt so much this time, actually.End of night and he drops me off at home.
The next day, I get off class really late. I'm so tired, class was insane. I end up texting B, even though I told myself not to:
Please do my Language HW for me. I will pay you in socks. (Because I know he likes socks).
He replies back right away:
LOL good ol' Autocorrect!
I'm confused and say:
But I actually meant socks....
He says:
Oohhhh, Well nevermind, then.
Like half an hour later it clicks in. Wait, what, Socks?? THEN?!! What do you mean THEN?
I'm totally thinking to hard, but he doesn't answer and just asks me what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm super ballsy and say I'm going to see my favorite person, aka you. He replies back Okay, cool and says Ttyl and stuff... He rarely signs off from texts. But I'm oddly happy for some reason, even though I have a feeling he's just gonna forget like last time.
But actually no. 730pm rolls around and he texts me. His friends are planning on going to Beercade. (That's my invite, btw). I get home around 830pm and really don't feel like going out. Which coincidentally plans end up changing. A different group of friends are at Axehole and we end up going there instead. I bring B a slice of apple pie and he is happy mad because he loves pie but hates weight gain. B drives to the place and parks and then gets out of his car and comes over to the passenger side. I assume he has something to get on this side, but he just ends up closing the door.
"Why did you come over here?", I ask.
"Well just in case you needed help or something"
I swear. Sometimes I can't tell. Is this a normal thing guys do?
Several years ago, I was up doing some Midnight Baking. I texted B at like 1am and asked if he wanted to come over for some pie and to bring some ice cream. He totally came over and brought ice cream. I gave him a slice of pie and then he went home. I didn't think anything of it at the time but ..... wtf ? Who asks a guy to come over to her place late at night to eat pie. Geezus, I'm an idiot.
Anyways. Back to Pie II. He came over but the pies were still in the oven so he just came over and chatted. Kinda. I didn't really talk much. I just did the dishes and didn't make eye contact and he showed me music videos. Eventually his phone rang and he started asking someone where they were. He asked enough times and slow enough that I guessed whoever he was speaking to's first language was not English. In other words the girl he was seeing. He hung up and said he was gonna go to the Common, then gave me a look over and said 'You're not coming are you'. I looked down and shook my head. In my head I was about 90% sure I wasn't going even before B got to my place, but knowing his gf would be there was the hammer in the coffin. Why do something that you know will make you sad? So, I just walked him to the foyer and said good night.
Funny thing is he actually texted me later saying the girl got lost and went home, and that his other friends bailed too. I almost went out to see him. Almost.
But. After that day I guess maybe I started to feel a bit better. I forgot to say that I ended up telling B I couldn't make his costume anymore, and he said it was okay. Actually. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and then 6 hours later I told him I could squish it in if worked on it every day after class. I also said him and my brothers were the only people I would do this for. And that's when he said not to worry about it. And then I felt a bit of relief.
The following next things that happened are just me fangirl-ing about implied meanings.
I haven't really seen B minus the above time. But he has texted and called me a few times. I guess he does make an effort to keep me in his life.
But so a few days ago I was prepping for dinner when I missed a call from B. I called him back and he was passing my place and wanted to see if I wanted to grab a bite, but he was already in the SS. My reply was 'Oh Sorry I can't I'm washing my zucchini..... It's a big zucchini.....' And we both laughed. It was a really big zucchini!
The next day he texted me again 'Hey, donuts?' I replied by 'Nice to see you too, muffin' I assumed he wanted to go to Take 5 and I said I could go in 10 minutes. Then he replied a few minutes later saying he changed his mind and was just going to go solo somewhere else. I literally felt my heart sink. I texted him back 'Wow, that didn't crush my spirits of seeing you at all' (I actually feel like a bit of attitude is coming back). He replied that he was just about to eat but my guilt worked on him and he was coming to get me.
And so he did. We just went to Gama and I had a tea while he ate. The server was pretty and when she asked he said 'We're just friends'. Heart didn't hurt so much this time, actually.End of night and he drops me off at home.
The next day, I get off class really late. I'm so tired, class was insane. I end up texting B, even though I told myself not to:
Please do my Language HW for me. I will pay you in socks. (Because I know he likes socks).
He replies back right away:
LOL good ol' Autocorrect!
I'm confused and say:
But I actually meant socks....
He says:
Oohhhh, Well nevermind, then.
Like half an hour later it clicks in. Wait, what, Socks?? THEN?!! What do you mean THEN?
I'm totally thinking to hard, but he doesn't answer and just asks me what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm super ballsy and say I'm going to see my favorite person, aka you. He replies back Okay, cool and says Ttyl and stuff... He rarely signs off from texts. But I'm oddly happy for some reason, even though I have a feeling he's just gonna forget like last time.
But actually no. 730pm rolls around and he texts me. His friends are planning on going to Beercade. (That's my invite, btw). I get home around 830pm and really don't feel like going out. Which coincidentally plans end up changing. A different group of friends are at Axehole and we end up going there instead. I bring B a slice of apple pie and he is happy mad because he loves pie but hates weight gain. B drives to the place and parks and then gets out of his car and comes over to the passenger side. I assume he has something to get on this side, but he just ends up closing the door.
"Why did you come over here?", I ask.
"Well just in case you needed help or something"
I swear. Sometimes I can't tell. Is this a normal thing guys do?
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