The key to happiness?

Love Yourself or You'll Never be Loved by Anyone Else. 

Don't. Just Don't.

The same people keep asking me if I've found a boyfriend yet and every time I say No, they look at me with a sad face. 

You know what. Don't.

In case you guys haven't noticed I'm pretty fucking happy being single right now. It's Awesome. I don't have to worry about pussies and broke promises and soul crushing heart break and snoring and being choked in my sleep. 

It's fucking Great.

What is Going On?!

I had another dream about Supercrush this morning :S

What is going on indeed? Maybe it was just the bowl of kimchi noodles I had last night. Or that I watched 8 episodes of Dexter in a row. Something is throwing my brain in a whirl and I dreamt Supercrush and kissed again. Very Odd. But not really cuz its been on my mind lately.
I'm totally a high school girl again !!
But it wasn't one of those lusty dreams it was almost like it could happen in real life..... Slow and Subtle.....

I need to stop.

Confusing Heart.

(Version 2.0)
So I went out with SuperCrush and a couple of his friends (aka Dave's few friends who don't care I'm an ex and think I'm cool to hang out with) last night and had a super good time :) Like, actually I woke up in a crazy good mood - good time. Pubbing. Clubbing. And Grubbing. I haven't been that happy in a long, long time. And I can't emphasize enough how nice it was to see those guys again and not feel weird. Tony said they needed to clone me !! (best compliment ever) I laughed so much last night and it just felt really nice. It probably also had to do with the fact that I was pretty tipsy.
So anyhow, SuperCrush came to pick me up in the evening since none of his other friends were ready yet and we just kinda pub-hopped and talked about stuff. It was a bit unusual because we usually talk about superficial stuff but he asked me what I was gonna do for the next few years and just giving me advice because I told him of some sketchy plans that I was thinking about. Going back to school mostly, maybe moving.... I asked him a bit about learning how to drive standard, he showed me a bit of stuff and then gave me more advice. I always feel like he is a super smart guy. Anyways it was different but nice. I bought him a drink cuz he always buys me drinks. (He buys everyone drinks, alright!) We went to another pub (Woodworks) and he had a glass of port and let me try some and it was actually pretty good ! I thought I was gonna hate it but it was really warm going down. 'Good drinks never burn. If it burns its bad quality'. Something he told me before when drinking. But yes, it was really nice. Hahah, I felt classy !!! Anyhow, after that we met up with his other 2 friends and went to the Common for more drinks and then Chinese food at All Happy ! I love All Happy. All my favorite nights always end there. After that, everyone called it a night and he drove me home. So, the odd part is (now maybe/probably he was just texting or something) but I think he waited for me to get into the condo before speeding away.....something which, I'm pretty sure has never happened before.
But.... he's actually dating someone right now and I told him I'm not actively looking right now, and actually kinda happy being single. But.... at the same time I have said to him before that he should stop dating girls that he wants to change and just date someone who is already their own strong person. And oddly sometimes I think to myself .....like me....
Oh shit. Do I still have a crush on SuperCrush?

Craaaaaap. He's just such a bad boyfriend, but he's always super nice to me. I mean, he's super nice to everyone I guess..... but... I don't think I've ever put him in the 'friend-zone' but at the same time he's left the dating-zone. He's always just been in his own weird/wonderful limbo-zone..... There is bizarre history between us from me dating his so-called best friend and their split up, then our split up and then the outcome of that jacked friend/relationship, coming full circle. And I just don't know where to put him ! I've also silently told myself I wouldn't date any of Dave's friends like all of them seem to incestuously do because then I would be just like them..... I dunno why the sudden confusion ! He's said to me before that he wouldn't forgive himself if I ever got hurt trying to help him and that's stuck in my head for a little bit. I don't think anyone has ever said something like that to me... So yeah. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. It must be.

But of course. I dreamt we kissed this morning. :S

Ermergerd.

 

Baby the Stars Shine Bright Tonight

The brightest stars are not the giant balls of gases thousands of lightyears away.
But rather, the brightest stars are the ones inside us. 
You and I.
For those stars are the ones that we look for when we are lost.
Those stars guide us through the darkness.

Thanks! .... I think....

"So, what was going on over the weekend? There were all these people in fishnets and sparkles downtown. I figured you would know?"

I did, but I didn't know whether or not I should be flattered at that assumption....

Dexter's Sister.

If I talk about it and it goes away.... I'm actually losing something....

An imperfect smile

At work today an elderly lady was on her way out the door when she stopped, turned around, and came up to my desk.

"They should clone you," she said.

"You have such a sweet, smile it made me a bit happier every time I had to come here.

Then she laughed and said goodbye.

I work at a funeral home.

My eyes started watering after she left because actually whenever I look in the mirror all I ever see is a crooked smile.

I hope one day I can see the Universe the way she does. 

Thanks Songza.

For some stupid reason Songza thought I would enjoy listening to a Break-Up Mix. 

Thanks. Thanks A lot. 

Heartbreak City being replayed. Anyways. Just a plethora of emotions right now and some forgotten memories of Dave came back. How I took the time to set up a romantic dinner on the balcony and he ate all his food with minimal conversation and then cleared my plate before I was even done. I should have gotten madder than I actually did.

It takes a long long time for me to Love. 

But when I finally do. I Love Hard.

I always come up with some epic one-liners don't I? Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love came on just now and I totally flash backed to that SYTYCD song that made me cry after Dave and I broke up. It was exactly how I felt. 

I am never listenig to this mix again. 

You suck Songza :(

http://youtu.be/pUBAPaDYPTo

Empathy

A friend of mine posted that article on FB and I just wanted to share it with someone.
I've often been told that I lack empathy, but at the same time, sometimes all I feel is empathy. Some of things don't apply to me at all (having vivid dreams, enjoy music, faced paranormal experiences), but some of them are dead on. When I see or hear animals suffering it just kills me. Like the time I was in China and we went to the zoo and I saw those baby bears being mistreated, I couldn't hold back the feeling it was so overwhelming that I started crying super hard. Or I remember having a conversation with G where I told her when people tell me stories of themselves, I put myself in their shoes and imagine what they would feel like. Sometimes that get's really over-bearing and I become quite emotional over things that shouldn't affect me.
After reading this I actually feel kind of bad because I was thinking this wasn't normal and trying to repress these.... but.... maybe its not so bad after all?

Traits of an Empath

Original article found here:http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html

Traits of an Empath (How to know if you’re an Empath)

By: Christel Broederlow

What is an empath? 

Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others.  Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods.  Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.  Empaths can perceive physical sensitivities and spiritual urges, as well as just knowing the motivations and intentions of other people.  You either are an empath or you aren’t.  It’s not a trait that is learned.  You are always open, so to speak, to process other people’s feelings and energy, which means that you really feel, and in many cases take on the emotions of others.  Many empaths experience things like chronic fatigue, environmental sensitivities, or unexplained aches and pains daily.  These are all things that are more likely to be contributed to outside influences and not so much yourself at all.  Essentially you are walking around in this world with all of the accumulated karma, emotions, and energy from others.  

Empaths are often quiet achievers. They can take a while to handle a compliment for they’re more inclined to point out another’s positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times quite frankly. They may have few problems talking about their feelings if another cares to listen (regardless of how much they listen to others).

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at “blocking out” others and that’s not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

Empaths are more inclined to pick up another’s feelings and project it back without realizing its origin in the first place. Talking things out is a major factor in releasing emotions in the learning empath. Empaths can develop an even stronger degree of understanding so that they can find peace in most situations. The downside is that empaths may bottle up emotions and build barriers sky-high so as to not let others know of their innermost thoughts and/or feelings. This withholding of emotional expression can be a direct result of a traumatic experience, an expressionless upbringing, or simply being told as a child, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard!”

Without a doubt, this emotional withholding can be detrimental to one’s health, for the longer one’s thoughts and/or emotions aren’t released, the more power they build. The thoughts and/or emotions can eventually becoming explosive, if not crippling. The need to express oneself honestly is a form of healing and a choice open to all. To not do so can result in a breakdown of the person and result in mental/emotional instability or the creation of a physical ailment, illness or disease.

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and may have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another’s ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

You will find empaths working with people, animals or nature with a true passion and dedication to help them. They are often tireless teachers and/or caretakers for our environment and all within it. Many volunteers are empathic and give up personal time to help others without pay and/or recognition.

Empaths may be excellent storytellers due to an endless imagination, inquisitive minds and ever-expanding knowledge. They can be old romantics at heart and very gentle. They may also be the “keepers” of ancestral knowledge and family history. If not the obvious family historians, they may be the ones who listen to the stories passed down and possess the majority of the family history. Not surprisingly, they may have started or possess a family tree.

They have a broad interest in music to suit their many expressive temperaments, and others can query how empaths can listen to one style of music, and within minutes, change to something entirely different. Lyrics within a song can have adverse, powerful effects on empaths, especially if it is relevant to a recent experience. In these moments, it is advisable for empaths to listen to music without lyrics, to avoid playing havoc with their emotions!

They are just as expressive with body language as with words, thoughts, and feelings. Their creativity is often expressed through dance, acting, and bodily movements. Empaths can project an incredible amount of energy portraying and/or releasing emotion. Empaths can become lost in the music, to the point of being in a trance-like state; they become one with the music through the expression of their physical bodies. They describe this feeling as a time when all else around them is almost non-existent.

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet!

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. Then again, for empaths, it is always nice to actually be heard themselves!

Here are the listeners of life. They can be outgoing, bubbly, enthusiastic and a joy to be in the presence of, as well as highly humorous at the most unusual moments! On the flip side, empaths can be weighted with mood swings that will have others around them want to jump overboard and abandon ship! The thoughts and feelings empaths receive from any and all in their life can be so overwhelming (if not understood) that their moods can fluctuate with lightning speed. One moment they may be delightfully happy and with a flick of the switch, miserable.

Abandoning an empath in the throes of alternating moods can create detrimental effects. A simple return of empathic love–listening and caring compassionately without bias, judgment and/or condemnation–can go an incredibly long way to an empath’s instant recovery. Many empaths don’t understand what is occurring within them. They literally have no idea that another person’s emotions are now felt, as one’s own and reflected outwardly. They are confused as to how one moment all was well, and then the next, they feel so depressed, alone, etc. The need to understand the possibilities of empath connection is a vital part of the empaths journey for themselves and for those around them.

Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one – if only for peace of mind. This can certainly prove beneficial for others in their relationships, in the workplace, or on the home front. Where there is a will, there is a way and the empath will find it. The empath can literally (likely without the knowledge of what’s actually occurring) tap into Universal Knowledge and be receptive to guidance in solving anything they put their head and hearts into.

Empaths often are vivid and/or lucid dreamers. They can dream in detail and are inquisitive of dream content. Often they feel as though the dreams are linked to their physical life somehow, and not just a mumble of nonsensical, irrelevant, meaningless images. This curiosity will lead many empathic dreamers to unravel some of the “mysterious” dream contents from an early age and connect the interpretation to its relevance in their physical life. If not, they may be led to dream interpretations through other means.

Empaths are daydreamers with difficulty keeping focused on the mundane. If life isn’t stimulating, off an empath will go into a detached state of mind. They will go somewhere, anywhere, in a thought that appears detached from the physical reality, yet is alive and active for they really are off and away. If a tutor is lecturing with little to no emotional input, empaths will not be receptive to such teaching and can (unintentionally) drift into a state of daydreaming.

Give the empath student the tutor who speaks with stimuli and emotion (through actual experience of any given subject) and the empath is receptively alert. Empaths are a captivated audience. This same principle applies in acting. An actor will either captivate the audience through expressing (in all aspects) emotions (as though they really did experience the role they are portraying) or will loose them entirely. Empaths make outstanding actors.

Empaths frequently experience déjà vu and synchronicities. What may initially start as, “Oh, what a coincidence”, will lead to the understanding of synchronicities as an aspect of who they are. These synchronicities will become a welcomed and continually expanding occurrence. As an understanding of self grows, the synchronicities become more fluent and free flowing. The synchronicities can promote a feeling of euphoria as empaths identify with them and appreciate the connection to their empathic nature.

Empaths are most likely to have had varying paranormal experiences throughout their lives. NDE’s (Near death experiences) and or OBE’s (Out of body experiences) can catapult an unaware empath into the awakening period and provide the momentum for a journey of discovery. Those who get caught up in life, in society’s often dictating ways, in work etc., can become lost in a mechanical way of living that provides very little meaning. All “signs of guidance” are ignored to shift out of this state of “doing”. A path to being whole again becomes evident and a search for more meaning in one’s life begins.

These types of experiences appear dramatic, can be life-altering indeed, and are most assuredly just as intensely memorable in years to come. They are the voice of guidance encouraging us to pursue our journey in awareness. Sometimes, some of us require that extra assistance!

For some empaths, the lack of outside understanding towards paranormal events they experience, may lead to suppressing such abilities. (Most of these abilities are very natural and not a coincidence.) Empaths may unknowingly adopt the positive or negative attitude of others as their own. (This, however, can be overcome.) Empaths may need to follow interests in the paranormal and the unexplained with curiosity so as to explain and accept their life circumstances.

Here are 30 of the most common traits:

1. Knowing: Empaths just know stuff, without being told. It’s a knowing that goes way beyond intuition or gut feelings, even though that is how many would describe the knowing. The more attuned they are the stronger this gift becomes.

2. Being in public places can be overwhelming: Places like shopping malls, supermarkets or stadiums where there are lots of people around can fill the empath with turbulently vexed emotions that are coming from others.

3. Feeling others emotions and taking them on as your own: This is a huge one for empaths. To some they will feel emotions off those near by and with others they will feel emotions from those a vast distance away, or both. The more adept empath will know if someone is having bad thoughts about them, even from great distance.

4. Watching violence, cruelty or tragedy on the TV is unbearable: The more attuned an empath becomes the worse it is and may make it so they eventually have to stop watching TV and reading newspapers altogether.

5. You know when someone is not being honest: If a friend or a loved one is telling you lies you know it (although many empaths try not to focus on this because knowing a loved one is lying can be painful). Or if someone is saying one thing but feeling/thinking another, you know.

6. Picking up physical symptoms off another: An empath will almost always develop the ailments off another (colds, eye infections, body aches and pains) especially those they’re closest to, somewhat like sympathy pains.

7. Digestive disorders and lower back problems: The solar plexus chakra is based in the centre of the abdomen and it’s known as the seat of emotions. This is where empaths feel the incoming emotion of another, which can weaken the area and eventually lead to anything from stomach ulcers to IBS (too many other conditions to list here). Lower back problems can develop from being ungrounded (amongst other things) and one, who has no knowledge of them being an empath, will almost always be ungrounded.

8. Always looking out for the underdog: Anyone whose suffering, in emotional pain or being bullied draws an empath’s attention and compassion.

9. Others will want to offload their problems on you, even strangers: An empath can become a dumping ground for everyone else’s issues and problems, which, if they’re not careful can end up as their own.

10. Constant fatigue: Empaths often get drained of energy, either from energy vampires or just taking on too much from others, which even sleep will not cure. Many get diagnosed with ME.

11. Addictive personality: Alcohol, drugs, sex, are to name but a few addictions that empaths turn to, to block out the emotions of others. It is a form of self protection in order to hide from someone or something.

12. Drawn to healing, holistic therapies and all things metaphysical: Although many empaths would love to heal others they can end up turning away from being healers (even though they have a natural ability for it), after they’ve studied and qualified, because they take on too much from the one they are trying to heal. Especially if they are unaware of their empathy. Anything of a supernatural nature is of interest to empaths and they don’t surprise or get shocked easily. Even at the revelation of what many others would consider unthinkable, for example, empaths would have known the world was round when others believed it was flat.

13. Creative: From singing, dancing, acting, drawing or writing an empath will have a strong creative streak and a vivid imagination.

14. Love of nature and animals: Being outdoors in nature is a must for empaths and pets are an essential part of their life.

15. Need for solitude: An empath will go stir-crazy if they don’t get quiet time. This is even obvious in empathic children.

16. Gets bored or distracted easily if not stimulated: Work, school and home life has to be kept interesting for an empath or they switch off from it and end up daydreaming or doodling.

17. Finds it impossible to do things they don’t enjoy: As above. Feels like they are living a lie by doing so. To force an empath to do something they dislike through guilt or labelling them as idle will only serve in making them unhappy. It’s for this reason many empaths get labelled as being lazy.

18. Strives for the truth: This becomes more prevalent when an empath discovers his/her gifts and birthright. Anything untruthful feels plain wrong.

19. Always looking for the answers and knowledge: To have unanswered questions can be frustrating for an empath and they will endeavour to find an explanation. If they have a knowing about something they will look for confirmation. The downside to this is an information overload.

20. Likes adventure, freedom and travel: Empaths are free spirits.

21. Abhors clutter: It makes an empath feel weighed down and blocks the flow of energy.

22. Loves to daydream: An empath can stare into space for hours, in a world of their own and blissfully happy.

23. Finds routine, rules or control, imprisoning: Anything that takes away their freedom is debilitating to an empath even poisoning.

24. Prone to carry weight without necessarily overeating: The excess weight is a form of protection to stop the negative incoming energies having as much impact.

25. Excellent listener: An empath won’t talk about themselves much unless it’s to someone they really trust. They love to learn and know about others and genuinely care.

26. Intolerance to narcissism: Although kind and often very tolerant of others, empaths do not like to be around overly egotistical people, who put themselves first and refuse to consider another’s feelings or points of view other than their own.

27. The ability to feel the days of the week: An empath will get the ‘Friday Feeling’ if they work Fridays or not. They pick up on how the collective are feeling. The first couple of days of a long, bank holiday weekend (Easter for example) can feel, to them, like the world is smiling, calm and relaxed. Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, of a working week, have a very heavy feeling.

28. Will not choose to buy antiques, vintage or second-hand: Anything that’s been pre-owned carries the energy of the previous owner. An empath will even prefer to have a brand new car or house (if they are in the financial situation to do so) with no residual energy.

29. Sense the energy of food: Many empaths don’t like to eat meat or poultry because they can feel the vibrations of the animal (especially if the animal suffered), even if they like the taste.

30. Can appear moody, shy, aloof, disconnected: Depending on how an empath is feeling will depend on what face they show to the world. They can be prone to mood swings and if they’ve taken on too much negative will appear quiet and unsociable, even miserable. An empath detests having to pretend to be happy when they’re sad, this only adds to their load (makes working in the service industry, when it’s service with a smile, very challenging) and can make them feel like scuttling under a stone.

If you can say yes to most or all of the above then you are most definitely an empath.

Empaths are having a particularly difficult time at the present time, picking up on all the negative emotions that are being emanate into the world from the populace.

Hyperbole and a Half

My colleague told me about This Blog the other day and I finally had time today to check it out.
I had only read the most recent entry and thought it was entertaining. Definitely worth a read if I had time to kill. On Friday, though, I read This Entry that the author had wrote about depression and I just couldn't believe how much I identified with it. Its not really really funny but I swear this is almost exactly what I feel like happened for the last year and a half. (Minus the piece of Corn) Seriously, it was weird reading someone else's blog because for a few moments I could have almost sworn I had written it. Just the way how everything panned out, the emotions she was going through, the feelings and everything she felt was exactly how I felt. So. Bizarre. Up until then I always thought Depression was different for everyone. And I suppose not everyone's happens this way, but it was almost to a T. The corn part I laughed at really hard though, because if anyone reads my previous entries, I think my turning point was PBC's slap in the face right after we made out. I took one last horrible soul wrenching cry.... and the next day I was okay. Like I had actually cried the last of my heartbreak out. It felt like such a relief. And a few days later it was even funny.
I'll have to admit though. My story wasn't told as good. Ha....
I think I'm going to send this to Gen too.

Finding Where You Belong

So I was at work just now and randomly thought about a kid that I used to go to elementary school with that was always picked on. I hope I never picked on him... I can't remember and I'm sure I didn't do anything mean.....but I'll say sorry just in case. Sorry.

Anyways, I remember stumbling on a photo of him once a few years ago where he was doing something called 'Poi'. I had never heard of it before and basically it was a few photos of him swinging around, it looked like glowsticks on a string, but they used a slow shutter to capture the photo so the effect was like this:

(that's him btw)

I thought it was kinda neat and forgot all about it. That was a bout...5 years ago. For some random reason that image popped into my head and I just wanted to see how he was doing. So with my super stalking powers I did a quick Google Search on him and found that he opened up a Poi performing company ! Ha-ha, I dunno why, but seeing that he was okay and happy and just found a way to express himself made me happy too. I also found this video of him performing in Edmonton and was kinda mesmerized. Super neat, hey ? (the poi part anyways). I just find it a lot more interesting this time. The light play anyways, and the science behind the movements and visual effects and, and, I dunno, the infinity that it makes... Does that make sense even?! Ha-ha. Anyways, I just wanted to share this. I wanted to put in on FB for you know who, but I think I'll put it here instead. Hope someone finds it as neat as I do !

Growing Up.

This quote I found the other day is kind of having an effect on me. I've been at home for the last 1.5 months finishing up renos and cleaning up the condo so I've had a lot of time on my hands (kinda). I've been posting a lot on FB. An unusual amount. And I think it has to do with PBC. As stated before I wanted him to see not the me that he saw those 2 times we met. And, I also wanted people to see me as well and the things that I do and am capable of. So I started posting a lot of photos of things that I was proud of, things that I did and accomplished. I was hunting for "likes" and thumbs up.
And then I found this quote.
And I thought. I wouldn't impress anyone. The photos I've been posting are so empty and materialistic
And why should I worry who I am impressing. As long as I know, right? So..... I should take a FB hiatus. Haha. Again (eyeball roll). I probably won't deactivate, but I'll just keep my posts and photos on the DL. Yesterday and Today was like withdrawl. It's kinda funny actually..... and maybe sad. Everything I did or talked about today, my brain was thinking 'how can I make this a FB story. how can I visualize this on Instagram.' I had so many photos on my phone with captions in my brain. Which one will make PBC notice me?!!! Oh my gosh, I sound so pathetic ! Ha-ha. But yeah, just a little cap on this over-activity. Gonna go back to the studio this week and not be lazy, maybe try to lose a bit more weight (2nd goal this year to get under 120lbs !) and just get back to being normal. I mean, I'm feeling pretty normal now, but back to my quiet, less annoying-normal
I think I'm gonna start putting posts and photos on here instead. You guys won't judge me right :)

So, here's a photo I took of my new living room. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything to you guys, but I'm so happy when I see this. Carpet is out, no more torn up broken, crooked furniture, no more boxes of things that don't belong to me, no more messy kitchen. Nothing but happiness in here. Reno's are all done, and I'm really happy. I haven't slumped too much, and I think the depression will be gone for a while and I'm really glad. I really do feel happy about 90% of the time now. And I feel like tackling so many goals right now, especially now that I know I can handle things again. I feel really strong ~

The only thing that bums me out a little bit is that nothing ever happened between PBC and I. But really, when I think like a smart person would, it totally wouldn'tve worked out. He's so young and extroverted. I really don't think I could handle him. Ha-ha, I mean I would love to have tried and honestly when I think about it, I know a lot more about the world he lives in than he probably thought. But, really, if I haven't been living that life yet, I probably never will. Just, everything that he does is what I've always wanted.....Yeaaaah, I'm pathetic I know. But, I'm good. Heart doesn't really hurt anymore so I'm gold. Recently a bunch of my friends have been getting pregnant or going on dates and messaging me left and right about how nice it is, and I'm just like 'I'm so happy I don't have to worry about snoring, liars and getting choked in my sleep anymore'. I think I'm good with being single for the next little while.  I don't even remember what I wished for on my birthday but I think know I'll have a good year this year.
Maybe I'll meet someone. I hope he's tall.

So. Tired.

Trying to reach some goals for 2014.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job~
Doing a lot, a lot A LOT better this month. Happier, heart doesn't feel heavy. It's good to be normal again :)
Anyhow, I've FINALLY started my home reno's. Finally. I'm sooooo happy right now that things are in motion. Laminate is in, and they are starting the tile and kitchen right now. Everything is a huge effing mess, but I'm very happy. Not to foot the bill, but it'll be worth it. The stressful part now is tracking down all the stuff for them. Washer and Dryer, Cabinets, 2 Bathroom Vanities, a Kitchen Sink....... The first 2 are giving me a bit of stress right now. Not having a vehicle kinda slows things down too. But anyways. I'm hoping to pick up the washer and dryer tomorrow, have it delivered and installed by the end of the week. SO pumped to be able to wash a single underwear if I wanted to. Hah!

And of course. What's an entry without updating you all on my non-existent love life ! It's non-existent. But, I'm not sad actually. Supercrush and I are still talking. He is going out on dates again because he broke up with his girlfriend (?) and I messaged PBC. Yup. Hahaha, like a week after New Years. I don't feel bad. He messaged me back anyways ~ And so that was that. Everything negative seems to be out of my mind right now and I'm truly finding that everything is making me smile, and I'm happy about 90% of the time now. The only time I cried since mid-December was when my mom sent me a very dis-heartening message. It made me feel bad because she was pretty much saying if I wasn't myself I would be better. Anyways. I was sad for a few hours then I was okay again.

I've developed a new habit of taking photos of everything. Everything I see has a story I can think of, or something funny I can caption. Some of them are a hit. Some of them aren't. I dunno if its getting old or annoying, but my brain is always thinking and focusing, what do I see and what story can I tell. I think its fun anyways. Maybe shows how much I don't have a life, but it's giving me soemthing to do :p

But. I'm SUPER tired right now. It's only been a week since reno's started and I'm dead tired today. I'm sure I slipped into a coma last night and I hope I slip into one tonight too. (ps its only 9pm right now too)

What Goes Around Comes Around.

Karma's a Bitch isn't it, PBC.
Haha, kinds tipsy and creeped his FB wall and read he got locked and kicked out of the place he was renting. I didn't deal it but payback is so sweet!
Haha, sorry I sound like a jerk but it genuinely made me a bit happier just reading that.

Yes. No.

I don't know.

So.
I've been trying to write this entry almost all day today.
A little clarification on what happened on Saturday Night.
Super Crush has this nickname because when I first met him I had a massive, MASSIVE crush on him. I don't even know why. Or how! Anyways. I don't think he was ever that attracted to me, and I eventually started dating his 'best friend' and that was the end of that crush. I still call him that just out of habit. Ha-ha.

Anyways, I dated his best friend for a year and a half. He's been dating someone for about the same amount of time. I think I've always felt a small amount of guilt for causing him to lose all his friends. But, he's never blamed me, and he's put it past him. At least I think. In the end we are still friends.

Anyhow, his birthday was on Sunday. And he came over on Saturday night. He asks me if I'll be scared of him if he is high and I say I dont think so, then start drinking. And the previous entry happens.

Sometimes I laugh and scowl at how things turn out in my life. Then I think 'I'm sure this happens to everyone'. Missed Opportunities. Chances. By a Hair. Stuff like that. When I broke up with Michael I waited, and waited for him. I waited and eventually gave up and started looking again. Pretty much the following month that happened he called me up and said he wanted to try again. But I had already decided to move on and he wasn't in my heart anymore.
I was hoping that would happen again with Dave and then I would get the benefit of the doubt that he fucked up. But it didn't. Rumor has it he's seeing my doppleganger as well. I haven't decided if that makes me laugh or cringe.
Anyhow, I feel like almost the same thing happened on Saturday. But not quite. This was a bit more complex. I had a really big crush on Super Crush. Maybe he was joking, or I read it wrong when I thought he was gonna kiss me. But, I was pretty hung up on Dave, and then along came PBC and now I'm a bit hung up on him and so Super Crush kinda dropped off of my radar. How ironic :S
Anyways, the thought that went through my mind at that exact same moment wasn't the same as when Michael tried to stop me from leaving. When Michael grabbed my arm I said stop, and I knew I just didn't want too. When I walked away from Super Crush I just thought. 'I can't.' And didn't know what to do. Too much History between us? Also... he is still dating someone.... someone who as since temporarily moved back to another country. I dunno. All sounds pretty sleazy hey.... :(

Anyways. Another confusing day in the life of C. After that fiasco I think maybe he felt a bit weird. I couldn't tell. Maybe it was the Bailey's but I just felt like nothing had happened, while he kept kinda hinting at it.
We met on a dating website remember.
I didn't want anything to be awkward because of what just happened.
It was just so weird! I didn't expect that to happen at all ! I mean, at least with PBC I was like,
"Yeah, I know what your up to."
So it didn't surprise me at all when he pulled it.
But Super Crush?... why now.

Always after I've managed to move on and find my smile again....

Um....

So.......

Super Crush tried to kiss me today.......


Yeah. He was semi-celebrating his Birthday Weekend and asked if I wanted to go out. I said sure. Then he came over, sat on my couch and said 2 of the exact same lines that PBC said to me:
You should come sit down & We should watch Crazy Stupid Love.
Then he stood up and walked over really close and I got freaked out, said no and squished past.
I can't really recall the rest because I had a tiny bit to drink, but he said something like well we did meet on a dating website and I thought I was going to get a Birthday Kiss.
It's an incredibly odd feeling to be on the opposite side of the table this time.....

Small Meltdown at Work

D: D: D:

Holy Hell that was FAST.

Ugh, gotta snap out of it, gotta snap out of it.

So... eyeball roll..... I went to send PBC a message, but decided to creep his fb once more. Asking for a sign. Direction. Guidance. Some stupid shit like that. I was looking and then then saw that he posted a lyric from a song that I have been listening to non-stop (Counting Stars by One Republic) and actually one of the lines that I wanted to post myself. So. I should've stopped there. No I should've stopped by not creeping his FB ! But of course. I didn't. I snooped even more. To the part where I saw a wall post from a girl. That read something like "you sound pretty awesome over text and are pretty easy on the eyes, hope to finally meet up on the weekend."

Heart Attack.

This really knocked the breath out of me :(
But why should it !! Obviously he's not interested in you and is therefore still out there looking duh.

Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS

Don't. Crash.

It's just a boy.
It's just a boy
It's just a boy.
It's just a boy.

Don't. Crash.

Hearts

Does anyone think that I refer to my heart too much? I think sometimes I feel my heart and my mind are 2 separate entities. Like Masa and Mune. I always talk about things that make my heart happy, or my heart smile, or my heart sad. I refer to it as if it were a real live being. And yet I never refer to my mind or do things that relax my mind. Instead I do things to distract my mind and make my heart think its happy. Hoooooow Silly. I'm just going to do some philosophical blogging today and see where it goes okay?
I find physical things I do make my mind not wander. Coming to work distracted me from constantly over thinking and the depression I was facing last year. Writing blog entries seemed to relieve stress or anxiety. But it didn't make me happy per se. It just made me able to function and go on with the rest of my day.... I'm thinking this is sounding pretty "duh" right now, but a boring routine is what was keeping my mind sane. Get up at 6:37am. Apply Makeup. Change. Go to work. Off work at 5pm. Go to the Studio. Go Home. Sleep. Repeat.  My mind was very easy  to please because it didn't have to be pleased. It just needed to be kept busy. And when my mind isn't over thinking, overacting, overanalyzing. Then my heart is okay too..... I suppose, now having said that, I should realize the 2 are connected. All is One and One is All. When my heart feels Happy, my mind is Happy.
Holy Shit Epiphany much!
It's just finding that balance I guess. My mind is always constantly arguing with my heart. Is that the reason why I'm not content? Both should be resonating, not reasoning with each other. My mind is always telling me, Look at the cold hard facts. Look what happened. Look at the meanings. Proof Proof Proof. Always trying to prove my self wrong and saying 'Didn't I tell you, this was going to happen?" While on the other hand my heart is constantly full of feelings and impulses and urges and wants, and hopes, dreams and wishes. And Brain just says 'they are too big'. Yikes. This is turning into more of a soul releasing entry than I thought. How do I get too this happy medium? Where I feel confident. Where my heart can feel happiness, and my mind feels safe. I'm just realizing now as I write this entry how much my mind and heart argue with each other. If my brain were a person, it would be the most stubborn, know-it-all person in the world. I'll give myself that much that I am insightful and fucking logical and when I talk things out I usually have sprouted the answer without me knowing. But.... that shouldn't stop me from doing things should it? Or should it... Damnit ! That last line is TOTALLY my heart thinking. Sneaky, sneaky heart. Trying to convince Brain that you know best !
The confusing part for me, I think is. My heart does things that, yes, make my heart happy. Makes me feel happy. But only temporarily. And then reality (the outcome) kicks in and is like Fuck You Bitch. And Brain is like 'I tooooooold you this was going to happen, you shoulda listened'.
Moral of the story is. I should be listening to my mind right? I'm a Scientist at Heart.
Basically I think what I'm trying to do right now is justify the actions my heart wants to do. Justify the stupid things I do. Aaaaaugh. So silly right now. I'm imaging this conversation physically happening right now. Me physically giving advice to a friend (that friend being my heart) and I can just see me face palming myself over how stupid this person is, and how they aren't hearing the words that are being said. Just to lost in their own thoughts and idealizations.
Oh. Em. Gee.
In case you guys haven't guessed. I'm eluding to wanting to message Ponyboy again. *FACEPALM*. I know, I know. Let me wallow in my false glimmers of hope.
"Why would you ever do that", said Brain.
"Because it makes me happy", said Heart
"No it doesn't, the thought of it and what you think is going to happen is what makes you happy. But it never does because you haven't learned to stop expecting things to happen."
"But you are the one that is imposing these false images and ideas into me.........How do I stop that?"

.......Problem not solved D: