Yes. No.

I don't know.

So.
I've been trying to write this entry almost all day today.
A little clarification on what happened on Saturday Night.
Super Crush has this nickname because when I first met him I had a massive, MASSIVE crush on him. I don't even know why. Or how! Anyways. I don't think he was ever that attracted to me, and I eventually started dating his 'best friend' and that was the end of that crush. I still call him that just out of habit. Ha-ha.

Anyways, I dated his best friend for a year and a half. He's been dating someone for about the same amount of time. I think I've always felt a small amount of guilt for causing him to lose all his friends. But, he's never blamed me, and he's put it past him. At least I think. In the end we are still friends.

Anyhow, his birthday was on Sunday. And he came over on Saturday night. He asks me if I'll be scared of him if he is high and I say I dont think so, then start drinking. And the previous entry happens.

Sometimes I laugh and scowl at how things turn out in my life. Then I think 'I'm sure this happens to everyone'. Missed Opportunities. Chances. By a Hair. Stuff like that. When I broke up with Michael I waited, and waited for him. I waited and eventually gave up and started looking again. Pretty much the following month that happened he called me up and said he wanted to try again. But I had already decided to move on and he wasn't in my heart anymore.
I was hoping that would happen again with Dave and then I would get the benefit of the doubt that he fucked up. But it didn't. Rumor has it he's seeing my doppleganger as well. I haven't decided if that makes me laugh or cringe.
Anyhow, I feel like almost the same thing happened on Saturday. But not quite. This was a bit more complex. I had a really big crush on Super Crush. Maybe he was joking, or I read it wrong when I thought he was gonna kiss me. But, I was pretty hung up on Dave, and then along came PBC and now I'm a bit hung up on him and so Super Crush kinda dropped off of my radar. How ironic :S
Anyways, the thought that went through my mind at that exact same moment wasn't the same as when Michael tried to stop me from leaving. When Michael grabbed my arm I said stop, and I knew I just didn't want too. When I walked away from Super Crush I just thought. 'I can't.' And didn't know what to do. Too much History between us? Also... he is still dating someone.... someone who as since temporarily moved back to another country. I dunno. All sounds pretty sleazy hey.... :(

Anyways. Another confusing day in the life of C. After that fiasco I think maybe he felt a bit weird. I couldn't tell. Maybe it was the Bailey's but I just felt like nothing had happened, while he kept kinda hinting at it.
We met on a dating website remember.
I didn't want anything to be awkward because of what just happened.
It was just so weird! I didn't expect that to happen at all ! I mean, at least with PBC I was like,
"Yeah, I know what your up to."
So it didn't surprise me at all when he pulled it.
But Super Crush?... why now.

Always after I've managed to move on and find my smile again....