D: D: D:
Holy Hell that was FAST.
Ugh, gotta snap out of it, gotta snap out of it.
So... eyeball roll..... I went to send PBC a message, but decided to creep his fb once more. Asking for a sign. Direction. Guidance. Some stupid shit like that. I was looking and then then saw that he posted a lyric from a song that I have been listening to non-stop (Counting Stars by One Republic) and actually one of the lines that I wanted to post myself. So. I should've stopped there. No I should've stopped by not creeping his FB ! But of course. I didn't. I snooped even more. To the part where I saw a wall post from a girl. That read something like "you sound pretty awesome over text and are pretty easy on the eyes, hope to finally meet up on the weekend."
Heart Attack.
This really knocked the breath out of me :(
But why should it !! Obviously he's not interested in you and is therefore still out there looking duh.
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
Deep Breaths
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS
DEEP BREATHS
Don't. Crash.
It's just a boy.
It's just a boy
It's just a boy.
It's just a boy.
Don't. Crash.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Hearts
Does anyone think that I refer to my heart too much? I think sometimes I feel my heart and my mind are 2 separate entities. Like Masa and Mune. I always talk about things that make my heart happy, or my heart smile, or my heart sad. I refer to it as if it were a real live being. And yet I never refer to my mind or do things that relax my mind. Instead I do things to distract my mind and make my heart think its happy. Hoooooow Silly. I'm just going to do some philosophical blogging today and see where it goes okay?
I find physical things I do make my mind not wander. Coming to work distracted me from constantly over thinking and the depression I was facing last year. Writing blog entries seemed to relieve stress or anxiety. But it didn't make me happy per se. It just made me able to function and go on with the rest of my day.... I'm thinking this is sounding pretty "duh" right now, but a boring routine is what was keeping my mind sane. Get up at 6:37am. Apply Makeup. Change. Go to work. Off work at 5pm. Go to the Studio. Go Home. Sleep. Repeat. My mind was very easy to please because it didn't have to be pleased. It just needed to be kept busy. And when my mind isn't over thinking, overacting, overanalyzing. Then my heart is okay too..... I suppose, now having said that, I should realize the 2 are connected. All is One and One is All. When my heart feels Happy, my mind is Happy.
Holy Shit Epiphany much!
It's just finding that balance I guess. My mind is always constantly arguing with my heart. Is that the reason why I'm not content? Both should be resonating, not reasoning with each other. My mind is always telling me, Look at the cold hard facts. Look what happened. Look at the meanings. Proof Proof Proof. Always trying to prove my self wrong and saying 'Didn't I tell you, this was going to happen?" While on the other hand my heart is constantly full of feelings and impulses and urges and wants, and hopes, dreams and wishes. And Brain just says 'they are too big'. Yikes. This is turning into more of a soul releasing entry than I thought. How do I get too this happy medium? Where I feel confident. Where my heart can feel happiness, and my mind feels safe. I'm just realizing now as I write this entry how much my mind and heart argue with each other. If my brain were a person, it would be the most stubborn, know-it-all person in the world. I'll give myself that much that I am insightful and fucking logical and when I talk things out I usually have sprouted the answer without me knowing. But.... that shouldn't stop me from doing things should it? Or should it... Damnit ! That last line is TOTALLY my heart thinking. Sneaky, sneaky heart. Trying to convince Brain that you know best !
The confusing part for me, I think is. My heart does things that, yes, make my heart happy. Makes me feel happy. But only temporarily. And then reality (the outcome) kicks in and is like Fuck You Bitch. And Brain is like 'I tooooooold you this was going to happen, you shoulda listened'.
Moral of the story is. I should be listening to my mind right? I'm a Scientist at Heart.
Basically I think what I'm trying to do right now is justify the actions my heart wants to do. Justify the stupid things I do. Aaaaaugh. So silly right now. I'm imaging this conversation physically happening right now. Me physically giving advice to a friend (that friend being my heart) and I can just see me face palming myself over how stupid this person is, and how they aren't hearing the words that are being said. Just to lost in their own thoughts and idealizations.
Oh. Em. Gee.
In case you guys haven't guessed. I'm eluding to wanting to message Ponyboy again. *FACEPALM*. I know, I know. Let me wallow in my false glimmers of hope.
"Why would you ever do that", said Brain.
"Because it makes me happy", said Heart
"No it doesn't, the thought of it and what you think is going to happen is what makes you happy. But it never does because you haven't learned to stop expecting things to happen."
"But you are the one that is imposing these false images and ideas into me.........How do I stop that?"
.......Problem not solved D:
I find physical things I do make my mind not wander. Coming to work distracted me from constantly over thinking and the depression I was facing last year. Writing blog entries seemed to relieve stress or anxiety. But it didn't make me happy per se. It just made me able to function and go on with the rest of my day.... I'm thinking this is sounding pretty "duh" right now, but a boring routine is what was keeping my mind sane. Get up at 6:37am. Apply Makeup. Change. Go to work. Off work at 5pm. Go to the Studio. Go Home. Sleep. Repeat. My mind was very easy to please because it didn't have to be pleased. It just needed to be kept busy. And when my mind isn't over thinking, overacting, overanalyzing. Then my heart is okay too..... I suppose, now having said that, I should realize the 2 are connected. All is One and One is All. When my heart feels Happy, my mind is Happy.
Holy Shit Epiphany much!
It's just finding that balance I guess. My mind is always constantly arguing with my heart. Is that the reason why I'm not content? Both should be resonating, not reasoning with each other. My mind is always telling me, Look at the cold hard facts. Look what happened. Look at the meanings. Proof Proof Proof. Always trying to prove my self wrong and saying 'Didn't I tell you, this was going to happen?" While on the other hand my heart is constantly full of feelings and impulses and urges and wants, and hopes, dreams and wishes. And Brain just says 'they are too big'. Yikes. This is turning into more of a soul releasing entry than I thought. How do I get too this happy medium? Where I feel confident. Where my heart can feel happiness, and my mind feels safe. I'm just realizing now as I write this entry how much my mind and heart argue with each other. If my brain were a person, it would be the most stubborn, know-it-all person in the world. I'll give myself that much that I am insightful and fucking logical and when I talk things out I usually have sprouted the answer without me knowing. But.... that shouldn't stop me from doing things should it? Or should it... Damnit ! That last line is TOTALLY my heart thinking. Sneaky, sneaky heart. Trying to convince Brain that you know best !
The confusing part for me, I think is. My heart does things that, yes, make my heart happy. Makes me feel happy. But only temporarily. And then reality (the outcome) kicks in and is like Fuck You Bitch. And Brain is like 'I tooooooold you this was going to happen, you shoulda listened'.
Moral of the story is. I should be listening to my mind right? I'm a Scientist at Heart.
Basically I think what I'm trying to do right now is justify the actions my heart wants to do. Justify the stupid things I do. Aaaaaugh. So silly right now. I'm imaging this conversation physically happening right now. Me physically giving advice to a friend (that friend being my heart) and I can just see me face palming myself over how stupid this person is, and how they aren't hearing the words that are being said. Just to lost in their own thoughts and idealizations.
Oh. Em. Gee.
In case you guys haven't guessed. I'm eluding to wanting to message Ponyboy again. *FACEPALM*. I know, I know. Let me wallow in my false glimmers of hope.
"Why would you ever do that", said Brain.
"Because it makes me happy", said Heart
"No it doesn't, the thought of it and what you think is going to happen is what makes you happy. But it never does because you haven't learned to stop expecting things to happen."
"But you are the one that is imposing these false images and ideas into me.........How do I stop that?"
.......Problem not solved D:
Monday, December 23, 2013
Bad bad news
Well.
Not really bad news. I just know eventually it will be.
So. It's another slow day at work and I've been reading over my blog entries and basically backtracking. Re-reading and I'm thinking to myself..... I don't think I should message Ponyboy should I...... Why would I? What do I think is going to happen. I obviously have some intent.... No good ever comes from intent! I dunno. I'm sure I'm just thinking he would see me differently now.... Not like he made much attempt previously..... *sad face*.
Heart, why are you so stubborn and hard to convince !
Anyways, aside from stupid high school boy drama...... My parents are in town :) I was actually excited to hear they were coming out when my mom called me on Saturday. Gave my mom a big hug when I saw her. Something I haven't done (willingly) in about 2 years. I was pretty happy to see them. Also something that hasn't happened in 2 years. Not that previously I didn't want to see them.... I just think......at that time I felt it just made no difference...... But nope. Happy they are in town. I bought them dinner theatre tickets for Friday Date Night. Hope they enjoy it ! I feel like they probably haven't had a fancy date night with just the 2 of them in a long, long time.
Also kind of excited to do some Boxing Day Shopping. C needs some Almond Lotion from the Body Shop !!! I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of jewelry for Christmas this year. My mom and Aunt both called me asking for my ring size. Hahaha. I feel bad though. I shouldn'tve told my mom I wanted an Opal Ring and just said to get a down filled comforter. Honestly that is what actually wanted. That and a Cuisine Art Stand Mixer in Pink... *squeal*
Har har. Anyways, I have some gossip for you guys.
So... I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before or not.....buuuut while I was dating Dave, he kind of made it a big deal that his friends were his friends, and if we broke up it wouldn't be cool if I continued hanging out with his friends. Understandable, sure sure. The thing that got me the most was that after we broke up, it wasn't okay for me to hang out with his friends, but it was alright for him to hang out with my friends. So basically after that I kind of stopped hanging out with certain "friends" of mine because they would rather hang out with my ex's friends. Yeah. Considering how my heart was the one that got crushed, while he went out to party the next night. And then how some of his friends ignored me. I thought I got the short end of the stick when I found out my friends were hanging out with his friends when I was going into total depression mode. It just made me massive upset that I was the one who introduced the circles to each other and then I got booted out. I suppose to some readers it might sound like a lot of whining on my end or that I deserved it. But.... I honestly don't think I did. So... that's why it hurt so much.
Aaaaaanyhow. Back on topic. Shortly before Dave and I broke up one of my friends started dating one of his friends. Like a week or two after she broke up with her bf of 2,3 years. His friends actually someone devised a plan to break them up, although I do suppose the break-up was inevitable, but they sure helped instigate it. So, there was a break-up followed by a hook-up.
I just found out the other day that another one of my former friends broke up with her bf of 2 years, and (need to confirm) may or may not be seeing another one of Dave's friends ?!!! Double You, Tee, Aitch, Right!! I dunno, maybe I'm being a jerk and maybe his friends are all awesome and that I really lost out when I left that group but... Sometimes I think I wish I never met them. All for One and All for One. I suppose I'm only hearing bits of the story through gossip so I'm sure I don't have the story straight but whatever happened must not have been good... They're not even FB friends anymore.... And under my speculation, knowing the group of friends. Shit probably got stirred up.
Sigh.
Not really bad news. I just know eventually it will be.
So. It's another slow day at work and I've been reading over my blog entries and basically backtracking. Re-reading and I'm thinking to myself..... I don't think I should message Ponyboy should I...... Why would I? What do I think is going to happen. I obviously have some intent.... No good ever comes from intent! I dunno. I'm sure I'm just thinking he would see me differently now.... Not like he made much attempt previously..... *sad face*.
Heart, why are you so stubborn and hard to convince !
Anyways, aside from stupid high school boy drama...... My parents are in town :) I was actually excited to hear they were coming out when my mom called me on Saturday. Gave my mom a big hug when I saw her. Something I haven't done (willingly) in about 2 years. I was pretty happy to see them. Also something that hasn't happened in 2 years. Not that previously I didn't want to see them.... I just think......at that time I felt it just made no difference...... But nope. Happy they are in town. I bought them dinner theatre tickets for Friday Date Night. Hope they enjoy it ! I feel like they probably haven't had a fancy date night with just the 2 of them in a long, long time.
Also kind of excited to do some Boxing Day Shopping. C needs some Almond Lotion from the Body Shop !!! I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of jewelry for Christmas this year. My mom and Aunt both called me asking for my ring size. Hahaha. I feel bad though. I shouldn'tve told my mom I wanted an Opal Ring and just said to get a down filled comforter. Honestly that is what actually wanted. That and a Cuisine Art Stand Mixer in Pink... *squeal*
Har har. Anyways, I have some gossip for you guys.
So... I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before or not.....buuuut while I was dating Dave, he kind of made it a big deal that his friends were his friends, and if we broke up it wouldn't be cool if I continued hanging out with his friends. Understandable, sure sure. The thing that got me the most was that after we broke up, it wasn't okay for me to hang out with his friends, but it was alright for him to hang out with my friends. So basically after that I kind of stopped hanging out with certain "friends" of mine because they would rather hang out with my ex's friends. Yeah. Considering how my heart was the one that got crushed, while he went out to party the next night. And then how some of his friends ignored me. I thought I got the short end of the stick when I found out my friends were hanging out with his friends when I was going into total depression mode. It just made me massive upset that I was the one who introduced the circles to each other and then I got booted out. I suppose to some readers it might sound like a lot of whining on my end or that I deserved it. But.... I honestly don't think I did. So... that's why it hurt so much.
Aaaaaanyhow. Back on topic. Shortly before Dave and I broke up one of my friends started dating one of his friends. Like a week or two after she broke up with her bf of 2,3 years. His friends actually someone devised a plan to break them up, although I do suppose the break-up was inevitable, but they sure helped instigate it. So, there was a break-up followed by a hook-up.
I just found out the other day that another one of my former friends broke up with her bf of 2 years, and (need to confirm) may or may not be seeing another one of Dave's friends ?!!! Double You, Tee, Aitch, Right!! I dunno, maybe I'm being a jerk and maybe his friends are all awesome and that I really lost out when I left that group but... Sometimes I think I wish I never met them. All for One and All for One. I suppose I'm only hearing bits of the story through gossip so I'm sure I don't have the story straight but whatever happened must not have been good... They're not even FB friends anymore.... And under my speculation, knowing the group of friends. Shit probably got stirred up.
Sigh.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Heartbeats
Sometimes my heart starts racing randomly.
For no apparent reason that I can connect to....
I wonder if this is unhealthy......
Anyways, its kinda sorta a slow day at work today and I just thought I'd write an entry here and get some thoughts out of my head.
This blog is my diary btw. My therapy.
I've been feeling really cheerful lately. Normal actually. It's nice. I read a quote awhile back ago that read something like:
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I want to change it to When you change, but I'm sure it still applies. I understood it when I read it at the time and I knew eventually something would change, but I was constantly waiting for that perspective shift. Right after my break-up, everything I looked at made me mad or sad. People, things places. I wanted to get away, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything because nothing mattered. Everything made me sad and doubt myself. I just wanted to be alone where nothing would remind me of anything, because everything made me sad.
It's interesting, funny, and odd how something so simple makes such a big difference. I keep on envisioning myself taking a tiny, tiny sidestep to the left and then it's like suddenly everything looks different. Perspectives change. Things that used to make me sad don't make me sad anymore. In fact some of those things make me happy and my life feels interesting again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Things are in color again and I feel like smiling.
Confidence is a silly thing sometimes.
Anyways..... Do you know what silly thought is going through my head now because of this sudden burst of confidence.
To message ponyboy.....
Oh my god you can't be serious, right?!
Sadly I am. I keep thinking to myself ! I was so boring and sad and mopey when he met me, that this happier, smilier C will be more attractive. That is what is going through my head. I keep having this notion of asking him to come to the antique mall with me in the west end next weekend.... The only thing is I deleted his number... ha-ha. (But I'm pretty sure I still remember it though......). Anyways, I'm sure that this is a bad idea. If I have any regular readers, whenever I have GREAT WONDERFUL IDEAS, I always talk them out here first, and pretty much foretell the horrible outcome with basic common sense......but still decide to go through with said horrible idea in the first place. Anyways, I'll give it a few days. Hopefully this silly urge boils over. As he once said to me 'Expectations are what Ruin Things'
I'll tell you all the outcome next week.
For no apparent reason that I can connect to....
I wonder if this is unhealthy......
Anyways, its kinda sorta a slow day at work today and I just thought I'd write an entry here and get some thoughts out of my head.
This blog is my diary btw. My therapy.
I've been feeling really cheerful lately. Normal actually. It's nice. I read a quote awhile back ago that read something like:
If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I want to change it to When you change, but I'm sure it still applies. I understood it when I read it at the time and I knew eventually something would change, but I was constantly waiting for that perspective shift. Right after my break-up, everything I looked at made me mad or sad. People, things places. I wanted to get away, I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything because nothing mattered. Everything made me sad and doubt myself. I just wanted to be alone where nothing would remind me of anything, because everything made me sad.
It's interesting, funny, and odd how something so simple makes such a big difference. I keep on envisioning myself taking a tiny, tiny sidestep to the left and then it's like suddenly everything looks different. Perspectives change. Things that used to make me sad don't make me sad anymore. In fact some of those things make me happy and my life feels interesting again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Things are in color again and I feel like smiling.
Confidence is a silly thing sometimes.
Anyways..... Do you know what silly thought is going through my head now because of this sudden burst of confidence.
To message ponyboy.....
Oh my god you can't be serious, right?!
Sadly I am. I keep thinking to myself ! I was so boring and sad and mopey when he met me, that this happier, smilier C will be more attractive. That is what is going through my head. I keep having this notion of asking him to come to the antique mall with me in the west end next weekend.... The only thing is I deleted his number... ha-ha. (But I'm pretty sure I still remember it though......). Anyways, I'm sure that this is a bad idea. If I have any regular readers, whenever I have GREAT WONDERFUL IDEAS, I always talk them out here first, and pretty much foretell the horrible outcome with basic common sense......but still decide to go through with said horrible idea in the first place. Anyways, I'll give it a few days. Hopefully this silly urge boils over. As he once said to me 'Expectations are what Ruin Things'
I'll tell you all the outcome next week.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
There is a Fine Line Between Realism and Pessimism
A very very fine line that only usually the person you are speaking to can see.
So. I was up at my desk today and my GM took a trip up to see me. He told me he was pretty shocked that I haven't received a raise since my assessment in February, or that I haven't asked for one and just let me know how valuable I was to the company and was going to look into it that I got a wage increase.
Oh WOW! I felt super happy from hearing that. My office manager had actually told me to ask a while ago but I didn't now how to bring it up, and then it suddenly started turning into a shit show at work. So I didn't. But the fact that upper management noticed and mentioned it to me made me feel happy. I know I get taken advantage of because I'm naïve and dumb when it comes to wages and stuff or just too shy to ask, and Yeaaaaah I could be getting more, and if I were in a bigger company this never would've happened..... buuuuuut I still felt pretty happy. A raise ! Someone recognizing my hard work !
So, I sent a text to my cousin. Spread the good news !
And then she said to me 'Why didn't you ask earlier.' And 'You should ask for retro pay'.
And.... I just felt like shit after. Way to burst my bubble. I only really wanted a pat on the back, you know, not 'You should've tried harder'.
It always seems my version of Good is never Good Enough. No wonder I have low self esteem.
(But on a side/more happier note:
Fuck you OfficeTeam for telling me I was under qualified to be a Receptionist. You don't know until you try)
So. I was up at my desk today and my GM took a trip up to see me. He told me he was pretty shocked that I haven't received a raise since my assessment in February, or that I haven't asked for one and just let me know how valuable I was to the company and was going to look into it that I got a wage increase.
Oh WOW! I felt super happy from hearing that. My office manager had actually told me to ask a while ago but I didn't now how to bring it up, and then it suddenly started turning into a shit show at work. So I didn't. But the fact that upper management noticed and mentioned it to me made me feel happy. I know I get taken advantage of because I'm naïve and dumb when it comes to wages and stuff or just too shy to ask, and Yeaaaaah I could be getting more, and if I were in a bigger company this never would've happened..... buuuuuut I still felt pretty happy. A raise ! Someone recognizing my hard work !
So, I sent a text to my cousin. Spread the good news !
And then she said to me 'Why didn't you ask earlier.' And 'You should ask for retro pay'.
And.... I just felt like shit after. Way to burst my bubble. I only really wanted a pat on the back, you know, not 'You should've tried harder'.
It always seems my version of Good is never Good Enough. No wonder I have low self esteem.
(But on a side/more happier note:
Fuck you OfficeTeam for telling me I was under qualified to be a Receptionist. You don't know until you try)
Daily Dish
There is never enough time in the day to accomplish what I want.
But I guess I got most of what I wanted done.... most of..... Kept busy most of the day today..... Took a floor nap, cleaned up the home a bit, vacuumed, did the dishes, cooked dinner, baked cookies, and drew. Minus the cleaning it was all stuff that made me happy. Or at least kept my mind off things. Lets up I keep it up.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. D:
I just got a tremendous urge to creep you-know-who's FB page.
Doooooooooon't dooooooooo it ~~~~~~~~
Sleepy-Tired. Still feeling pretty happy today and trying to keep it up. This whole listening to music while I work thing is doing wonders. Listen to music everywhere, every time, while doing everything. I wish I had knew to do this sooner.
Alas. I did have some invisible conversations with myself today :|
Had a few racing heart moments at work, wasn't sure why. Probably just over thinking stuff. Anyhow. I was thinking about Ponyboy today. Probably, mostly certain because I'm doing that stupid crush-ing thing on him, buuuuut. From what I initially felt from him.... I feel like we could be the same person. I remember saying that to him once before too. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an alternate dimension, cooler version of myself. And I did. I imagined we would have gotten along very well had he (again I repeat) taken the time to get to know me. But that was my expectation and probably my downfall. We had nothing in common. Just similar observations on life. And being geeky. No hobbies though..... But I would loved to have learned how to drive standard, and finally sit on a motorbike.....Sigh, I think I was attracted to him because he lived the lifestyle I wanted. So happy, so outgoing, so fun. Surrounded constantly by people who wanted to be around him..... Always smiling....
*shakes head quickly*
Quit it.
Do you remember what your goal was yesterday? Find your energy back and be the happy person that he should have tried harder on. Exude Confidence. Dance like Nobody's Watching. Set your goals and reach them. Draft the Hoodie. Fix up the Condo. Make your Hsien-ko Costume. Buy a Car.
You can do it so do it.
But I guess I got most of what I wanted done.... most of..... Kept busy most of the day today..... Took a floor nap, cleaned up the home a bit, vacuumed, did the dishes, cooked dinner, baked cookies, and drew. Minus the cleaning it was all stuff that made me happy. Or at least kept my mind off things. Lets up I keep it up.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. D:
I just got a tremendous urge to creep you-know-who's FB page.
Doooooooooon't dooooooooo it ~~~~~~~~
Sleepy-Tired. Still feeling pretty happy today and trying to keep it up. This whole listening to music while I work thing is doing wonders. Listen to music everywhere, every time, while doing everything. I wish I had knew to do this sooner.
Alas. I did have some invisible conversations with myself today :|
Had a few racing heart moments at work, wasn't sure why. Probably just over thinking stuff. Anyhow. I was thinking about Ponyboy today. Probably, mostly certain because I'm doing that stupid crush-ing thing on him, buuuuut. From what I initially felt from him.... I feel like we could be the same person. I remember saying that to him once before too. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an alternate dimension, cooler version of myself. And I did. I imagined we would have gotten along very well had he (again I repeat) taken the time to get to know me. But that was my expectation and probably my downfall. We had nothing in common. Just similar observations on life. And being geeky. No hobbies though..... But I would loved to have learned how to drive standard, and finally sit on a motorbike.....Sigh, I think I was attracted to him because he lived the lifestyle I wanted. So happy, so outgoing, so fun. Surrounded constantly by people who wanted to be around him..... Always smiling....
*shakes head quickly*
Quit it.
Do you remember what your goal was yesterday? Find your energy back and be the happy person that he should have tried harder on. Exude Confidence. Dance like Nobody's Watching. Set your goals and reach them. Draft the Hoodie. Fix up the Condo. Make your Hsien-ko Costume. Buy a Car.
You can do it so do it.
Monday, December 16, 2013
All it took was 16 months and a boy.
I can't tell if I'm really feeling better or just on a high right now.
I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).
I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.
On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~
Nite Sportsfans.
I've been feeling really happy since Thursday's crash. I hope it's here to stay. I've gone out 2 weekends in a row and I will have to say Ponyboy probably had something to do with that. Even though I will probably never talk to him again, he made me push myself. After he came over on Sunday I realized how absolutely boring home is. I mean, I deliberately have nothing to do at home so I don't stay here and slack off. But really. No cable, no consoles, no bluray, no netflix. It was massive boredom. So first thing I did after that was go out and get a bluray player and then checked out netflix. (I cam home today, took off my pants and watched 10 episodes of FMA: Brotherhood in a row).
I also started to be a little more active (less boring). And posting things on FB again (hopefully its not getting annoying). Even if he doesn't see a single one of my posts or photos or has blocked my news feed... I'm kinda trying to have fun again. I mean, as much as an introvert such as myself can have. I remember I used to go to the bar alone and meet up with friends there and I did that yesterday. And then I went to work a market 6 hours later. Gotta keep my mind busy so it doesn't wander. The other thing that's kinda growing on me is music. Never realized how just having something in the background stops my mind from wandering. Instead of deep useless thinking I'm listening to lyrics. Even at a club/bar its kind of soothing to just close your eyes and listen to the beat and feel the bass. I listened to this song on Thursday by Shy Girls called Second Heartbeat (https://soundcloud.com/karlkling/shy-girls-second-heartbeat) and I've listened to it probably about 50 times since Friday. Its my new courage badge. I recorded a 40 second video of myself dancing to it, posted it on FB and it makes me laugh super hard every time I watch it so it has nothing but good feelings and memories. Anyways, I totally creeped his fb page today and snooped. Didn't try very hard not to. Silly me still thinks he is so intriguing and the psych student in me wishes that I could sit and ask him a million questions and try to figure him out.... That doesn't sound like a stalker at all....... :(
Anyways, I think the reason behind my sudden outburst of energy is..... I want him to feel somewhat bad for not trying harder. The Juice is Worth the Squeeze. I think anyways. Ha-ha. But again, maybe he doesn't care, doesn't know or thinks its annoying.
But in the end its worth it for me, right?
Even if I don't even blink on his radar. I think I see it as a challenge. Just to find myself again. Prove him wrong So... Maybe I did meet him for a reason. I remember reading an article shortly after I broke up with Dave. Sometimes you just need to meet someone to fuck an ex out of you. That certainly didn't happen but something like that. I suppose it did and it didn't. I haven't thought about Dave in a long time, although that's probably because he's just replaced Dave. I'm playing make-believe right now and imagining what it would have been like if anything had happened. But... I know everything happens for a reason. When I met you I probably wasn't ready, and if something had happened it probably wouldn'tve had a good outcome anyways. So... water under the bridge. Just play pretend now. At least I don't have that fate feeling I always get where I constantly "feel" that something is going to happen again. Yeah, what he did was pretty asshole-y, but surprisingly I've kinda gotten over it. If I bumped into him I would probably give him a half smile and wave, be able to look him in the eyes and not be loser C. Just because you aren't intimidating to me anymore.
On a side note. Last week I deleted my POF profile. G & N said that was not the right place to look for a 'relationship' anyways. Not that I was seriously on the prowl, but I suppose they are right. There is a reason why POF has a bad reputation. Har har. And on a second side note. I snooped POF as well and guess who took down most of their info as well ! Not so easy is it Mr. C ~
Nite Sportsfans.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The night I slipped into a coma for 14 hours
Feel really bummed out today.
So bummed out I didn't go to work. First time I have ever called in sick. I kept waking up last night with a racing heart and sweating balls. Woke up every hour until my alarm rang and I seriously felt like shit.
Anyways I just laid in bed and slept for about 12 hours. Held onto Birthday Bear and made a bunch of wishes. When you are out of it you make some silly wishes.
I wish Curtis would give me a 2nd chance and just get to know me
and then 2 hours I said
I take that back.
It's time to play the game again of bash the guy till I don't miss him anymore :(
He was 2 fucking hours late on our first date !!!
He was kinda cocky.
Stood you up after you ran around the city trying to get home in time to see him.
You guys weren't even dating and you were always suspicious that he was seeing other girls
You guys didn't have anything in common except being nerds.
You didn't watch the same tv shows.
You didn't listen to the same music
You both had 2 completely different lives.
You were trying to be someone you weren't.
Sometimes his storylines didn't match up.
You couldn't tell if he was lying or not.
He said things he didn't mean.
Wanted to have sex the 2nd time we met.
Ugh... its not really working. I liked talking to him, just not in person. I forced myself to think of positive happy responses when he was being negative, because I realized how negative I had become. And that made me glad. I said smart things around him and that made me glad. Uggggggh. I'm just playing that game of 'if only I had' now. If only I had been a bit easier..... :( Yeah. Haha no. The same thing woulda probably happened.
It just wasn't meant to be Miss Chow. Keep telling yourself that and you will be okay.
So bummed out I didn't go to work. First time I have ever called in sick. I kept waking up last night with a racing heart and sweating balls. Woke up every hour until my alarm rang and I seriously felt like shit.
Anyways I just laid in bed and slept for about 12 hours. Held onto Birthday Bear and made a bunch of wishes. When you are out of it you make some silly wishes.
I wish Curtis would give me a 2nd chance and just get to know me
and then 2 hours I said
I take that back.
It's time to play the game again of bash the guy till I don't miss him anymore :(
He was 2 fucking hours late on our first date !!!
He was kinda cocky.
Stood you up after you ran around the city trying to get home in time to see him.
You guys weren't even dating and you were always suspicious that he was seeing other girls
You guys didn't have anything in common except being nerds.
You didn't watch the same tv shows.
You didn't listen to the same music
You both had 2 completely different lives.
You were trying to be someone you weren't.
Sometimes his storylines didn't match up.
You couldn't tell if he was lying or not.
He said things he didn't mean.
Wanted to have sex the 2nd time we met.
Ugh... its not really working. I liked talking to him, just not in person. I forced myself to think of positive happy responses when he was being negative, because I realized how negative I had become. And that made me glad. I said smart things around him and that made me glad. Uggggggh. I'm just playing that game of 'if only I had' now. If only I had been a bit easier..... :( Yeah. Haha no. The same thing woulda probably happened.
It just wasn't meant to be Miss Chow. Keep telling yourself that and you will be okay.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
What my heart wants to say
Hi Curtis,
I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.
You don't want to play anymore do you.
I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.
So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.
I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.
You don't want to play anymore do you.
I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.
So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.
Sunday, December 08, 2013
Sobbing like a Disney Princess
Except when I lift up my face I look like a raccoon.
My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.
So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.
I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.
My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.
So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.
I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.
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