Did it have to start the day after my birthday?....

I believe that this year is going to be a bad year for me. Why, you ask me? Well for starters, less than 24 hours after i turned 21, i started cutting my wrist again. I havent done that in a REALLY long time. (At least not that i remember anyways) I cried really hard in the bathroom too, and i cried again today. I haven't cried in consecutive days in more than 2 years too I think. Yesterday was just a really bad day. I had my belated 'birthday party' (nice eh?) Early in the afternoon Jess gave me a call 2 go to whyte w/ her. I was really tired still but I was like sure whatever. (She said she came out to Edmonton for my birthday, but i really doubted that when she said that. 1st of all we didn't really do anything birthday-ish together, and 2nd of all, she didn't stay at our place, so it leads me to believe, my birthday just coincided w/ some other event she had planned out here) But anyways, so we went 2 eat lunch at Chili's and I was telling her I always get jacked and end up paying more for my meal whenever I go out w/ a certain group of friends and we split the bill. And then for Dinner me, her and a bunch of people went to Japanese Village to eat. Jess left early, (coinciding event?) and because of that i screwed up on how to split the bill (it would have been divided exactly by 7 but she didn't stay so i had to take off a certain percent of the food she didn't eat). But she paid for my share, and that was nice cuz i didn't know, but in the end I ended up dishing out 10$ because of the confusing bill. After dinner we went to city centre to watch the Grudge II. I've been waiting to watch this for a while, and i checked in the SEE paper when it would be showing. There was a showing at 7 15 and i thought that woulda been perfect cuz dinner was at 5 and we could walk right over. But when we got to city centre, the ticket person said that they weren't showing Grudge anymore. I was like WTF. I dont know how it happened but we ended up watching SAW III instead. Within the first 10 mintues of the movie i was really tempted to get up and leave because i DID NOT want to watch the movie. So after the movie ended i was pissed and angry. Then me and Ling went 2 her place 2 get ready to go to a club on jasper w/ tara and jamie. We got ready in like 10 mintues and Tara told us to meet her at 7 11, so the 2 of us waiting like half an hour for the train to go to corona, and then we walked in the snow (PS it started snowing shitloads right after midnight on my birthday.) from corona to 711, where tara called and told us she walked back home, so we walked back towards tara's place, and then we went 2 New City, which was exactly were me and ling got on the train to meet Tara anyways. So we made a huge useless 10 mintues circle in the -5 degree weather. They stayed at New City all night. I didn't really like any of the music because it sucked. And then at 1AM i told them that I was going to go because I still had to work the next day, still had to go 2 lings place to pick up my stuff, and try and call a cab before the clubbing rush began. Those stupid fuck faces didnt listen to a word I said, they were like 10 more mintues 10 more mintues. We fucking ended up staying till almost 2 AM. It makes me so angry because Tara ESPECIALLY thinks of herself first. (Take the Lush story I told awhile back ago). SHE didn't have to fucking work the next day, SHE didn't fucking have to catch a cab home, SHE didn't fucking walk 20 mintues in the snow. Fucksakes, but so when i got back to Lings place All the taxi lines were busy. I i started getting really angry because I KNEW that was going to happen. So i called home hoping maybe Tchow or Felix could come pick me up. And Tchow got really angry at me, which i understand cuz it was late, but he didn't have to fucking swear at me, he could have just said no. And then his car got stuck in the driveway. So i had to find my own way home. And since it was past 2AM by now I knew getting a hold of a cab would be impossible. So i walked 10 blocks home in the snow carrying my birthday presents wearing a light sweater and backless shoes. When i got home my grandparents got angry at me. I told them to go to sleep and when they went into my room to sleep, I took out my trusty serrated knife and started cutting away. I prolly sat on the kitchen floor for a good 30 mintues before going to sleep on the couch. Actually the words 'going to sleep' are way too strong. For, definately, the first time in 2 years i had trouble sleeping. It felt exactly like when i used to have insomnia, and i stayed awake till about 5AM thinking how my life was going downhill again. I dozed off lightybefore I was jarred awake by the sounds of my grandma putting away the pots and pans at 9AM. At 10AM i got out of bed to go to work.
Today was definately not any better. I actually almost cried at work today cuz I was so stressed out. I was pissed off because of how jerk customers piss me off really bad and i cant do anything about it, and how all of the servers suck. They all come in late, leave early and always make me do stuff that the should be doing. 20 mintues before i got off work i was ready to fucking scream and walk out. I dont want to work anymore either. I cried all the way home, and when i got home i went to the bathroom and cried some more before hoping into bed, and playing w/ the knife that is still in my desk drawer.
I think what really makes me depressed is how easily I'm taken advantage of, and how i can't speak up for myself. Also, the fact that my family seems to not notice (or care) that my personality has taken a drastic change makes me upset too. I could be dead or dying in my room and they'd still be outside watching David Blaine and laughing. I wrote in a previous entry that Iris and Cathy moving to BC really upset me, but i didn't publish it because i thought i wasn't realy that upset. I realize now how not true that was. Because now I dont have anyone to call and talk to, and most importantly I dont have any friends that I can actually go over to late at night when i just want to get away from my family. Yesterday I could have really done that. I couldn't sleep because i knew these next 2 days were going to be really bad. I always lose sleep and fall behind in school because my grandparents are here. It might sound greedy but its true. Not only do I NOT have a quiet place to sleep, I also can't do my homework ANYWHERE and I always get jarred awake at like 6AM by my brothers after struggling to fall asleep. I get so stressed out and depressed when my grandparents come out, and its really extra stressful that I'm OBVIOUSLY not myself and everyone chooses to ignore that fact. I'm going to take a shower right now because since yesterday my entire body has been cold, not to mention the cut on my wrist is all swollen too.