what a terrible way to end a day

ugh, aaaalright, so i was fine till just now, when i was bored and i was dooking around on a friends web site when i found a *secret* page. (which mind you isn't so secret if its a link on the main page). Okay, so this Tea Party Page is my secret page. Nobody knows it exists, except jessica (that damn ogre who traced the comment i left her) Even though she rarely reads it I still find myself putting up a guard when i write in here. Okay, well so, i found my friends secret page, and i read it, and right away i knew it was about me. And how....uh i dont understand it actually and i dont want 2 go back and read it cuz it makes me sad. But we had went out on friday and right away after supper i knew that something was wrong but i didn't know what cuz she wasn't talking. i dont know if she knew or not, but i knew right away. and i take it by her blog that she thought i didnt know. But, i just want to say this right here and now (ARG i'm getting all misty eyed now) I'm not as easy to read as you think i am. I hurt, a lot in fact. i'm upset at myself, and sometimes everyone else cuz they think they understand me, but in fact i believe no one does. I dont know how to act around people alot, and when i'm with close friends I feel so happy that sometiems i get carried away. When i get in bigger groups with people that i dont know I get so nervous and scared i swear i think i'm going to die. Its the worst feeling every. Imagine that feeling you get when your misunderstood by a person and you feel bad cuz they think your something that your not. Well, imagine feeling like that everyday, and those people are your best and closest friends. Let me get this across, I dont have that many friends. I have aquantainces that i conjure up basic grammar with, but i have very few friends that i call close....i have 3 actually. It used to be 4, but 1 of them i realized was really taking advantage of me. So yes, i have a fear of people basically, and i have a fear of opening up. I can't stand the feeling when i want to scream at the top of my lungs to get my point across that i'm not a stupid girl, but i can't. I just can't voice myself cuz i'm so damn scared, and knowing that point myself makes me want to die. I mean how useless can a person be? I'm a fucking god damn stick in the mud. I'm so scared a lot because my parents put so much faith in me and they support me and believe in everything that i do. And i swear, if it weren't for the fact that me dying would make people sad and cry, I think i'd do it. Basically the only reason i'm a live sometimes i think is that I dont want to hurt anyone. But its bad because, in the end i'm still the one who ends up suffering isnt it? Im forced to live a life, wehre I dont belong.