What my heart wants to say

Hi Curtis,

I'm not always Captain Obvious but I just want to get this off my chest while I am still feeling fantasticle today.

You don't want to play anymore do you.

I wouldn't be so bummed if you had just said something on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Anything really except that shitty game of 'ignore you till you go away'. I hate guys who do that. Its so cowardly. I'm Sorry if I'm weird and awkward, or shy and boring, or just give shitty blowjobs. But that's how I am when I'm nervous. I'm sure I told you that. And I wish you could have just said something. 'Sorry I'm just not feeling it' Something, so that I would have something to work with and not have to play that stupid fucking ridiculous game of What did I do Wrong. The worst part is I was really really hoping you were actually going to take the time to get to know me like you said you would. And I wished you were somewhat serious about anything you said you said to me.
I hate liars.
You were so intriguing to me because you were such a puzzle. Your stories didn't make sense, you were blunt and happy and everything you said I would never have expected and I just wanted to find out more things about you.
I suppose in the end you just proved my point. Gorgeous men are never up to any good. They know they can get away with things a normal guy couldn't. You were so fucking pretty, you and your goddamn icy blue eyes. I do suppose you were right about one thing though. When I told you if you made me cry I would slap you in the balls (which actually now that I think about it I did!) and you replied something like 'Expectations are what ruin things'. I believe and understand and think that is so true. I would like to train myself to know that. But at the same time, that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. My heart will hurt for a little bit because of things I thought I was going to get to do, and the excitement of possibly being the object of someone's affection again. But it's just not meant to be. I probably knew it before you did.

So. This is it. Thanks for the best 30 days I've had all year and thanks for making me forget about Dave, and thanks for the cookie. I'll leave you alone after today.
Good luck finding your Peach, and Goodbye Mr. Walker.

Sobbing like a Disney Princess

Except when I lift up my face I look like a raccoon.

My heart is so sad right now, sports fans. I did it again and fell for a jerk. Listened to my heart instead of my head. I shouldn't even complain because I'm the one that keeps doing this to myself.

So sad again. But, the story goes like this. Right before I went to SFO I started talking to these 2 guys on POF. No. They weren't best friends this time (ha-ha). They were quite the opposite. One was a quiet nerd, and the other was a tall blonde and blue eyed, pretty boy. Yeah, haha guess which one I liked more. We started chatting and messaging each other when I came back from SFO. He was really happy and friendly and always smiled. Actually he always put one of these ":)" at the end of all his messages. Such an odd and interesting person he was I thought. And cute. First time ever a cute boy started talking to me and told me I was interesting. I felt happy. Obviously. I was someones attention again. He messaged me randomly if I didn't reply back, he told me I was rad. So silly. I was enthralled. But at the same time I almost felt it was too good to be true. I don't know why or how. But I just felt slightly uncomfortable. I thought it was just because I was still nervous to date after my last break-up. I was protecting my heart...... but he still replied back to everything I said asked me to hang out and go antique shopping and stuff.... I'm so confused. Everything I thought was going alright. First time we met up we walked around Enjoy Centre and went for Coffee. He left, gave me a hug and texted me back when he got home and said I was adorable. It made me melt. We kept chatting and I thought it was going swell. The only thing is, in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself. Pretty Boys are never up to any good. And he was very pretty..... So. I'll be honest I was uncomfortable when whenever we were together in person. He was so fucking pretty I couldn't look him in the eyes. When he came over to hang out at my place I couldn't look him in the eyes. When we started making out I couldn't look him in the eyes (plus I thought it was rude). I just can't tell right now if he stopped talking to me because I was being cold and un-interested or if he was just seeing more than one person and I got the short straw.
It just hurt a lot because I probably saw it coming but didn't. He was right when he said he was good at convincing people to do things.
Long story short. We made out, fooled around, he kissed me on my forehead and said good night, we talked the next day, and I haven't heard from him since.

I haven't heard from him since, when he used to message me every day.
Heart hurts so bad right now. I keep doing the thing where I play the entire scenario in my head and try and pinpoint what I did wrong. Again. What. I. Did. Wrong. It's not even registering that he was just a player, and that he's a jerk. I just keep thinking what I could have done differently to keep him interested.
So sad isn't it.

For Future Reference ~

If I ever go on a date again, I will refer to this list for some nice ideas.

You should too ~

http://www.thewandereronline.com/2013/10/12/50ish-first-dates-in-yeg-by-blue-knox/

Standing Back Up Again

Hi  Sports Fans,

Having a slow lazy day at home today, when I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I decided to come read some of my blog entries.

I'm not sure what has happened since my last entry but..... I feel a bit happier. No.... actually I feel a lot happier. I don't know why or how. But my heart feels lighter. Not so sad and hurt anymore. I still get mad when I think about him. But.... I actually don't think about him as much anymore. And not everything is a painful reminder. I guess all it does really take is time.
I noticing this after I came back from San Francisco actually. I never really really got upset or PO at Jolie, something that I thought would happen. Everything I managed to calm myself down and tell myself 'Just be Happy'. I don't know if that helped, or maybe it was just the change of environment and having someone to talk to for 7 days straight. I don't know exactly how but I feel like I'm getting back to my normal self. I even started wearing my Kitty Cat Hoodie again :)

Reading some of my previous entries really made me notice this.
Another thing is.... I signed onto a dating website again..... Not sure if that has anything to do with it, but I signed up a few months ago actually. Right after that silly speed-dating event which made me feel like a total idiot, because it just wasn't the thing for me. Too many people too fast. I was talking to Gabby about starting to look again and I got a bit confused after. She said that she didn't think I was ready yet because I still had some issues and I argued that this felt like the last step to take to get over what's his face. Well.... I guess maybe she is and she isn't right. If I'm not completely over someone yet why should I start looking. But at the same time. I feel like my thing is I need to focus on something (someone) else to push that last little bit of him out of my mind.... What do you guys think. Just starting to talk to guys that are interested again I feel like has helped a lot. Instead of spending time thinking about him and how mad he made me, I spend time thinking about what to say to someone who I actually talk to instead.... I dunno. Of course I can justify everything because I feel its right. Just like how I justified talking to Dave right after we broke up was the right thing to do because it made me feel happy, even thought it just delayed the heartbreak..... *SIGH*

Another thing is. Sometimes I wonder why women are always attracted to the wrong type of guy. To the type of relationship they think they will have and the ideal, when we should be focusing on what we are. Not what we want. This comes from that... Jackson-Briggs (correction needed?) Personality Test that my co-worker had told me about. He said 'Remember to answer these with what you would do, not what you want to do.' And I just remember that line sticking in my head. There's a big difference and I never noticed that before. So back to dating again. I always find I'm attracted to guys that are the complete opposite of me. That lead the lifestyle I want to have. Totally different, not my type, I'm not into any of the things they do. And yet, that personality just draaaaaws me in. It's horrible. And then, when someone who is the exact reflection of me messages me, it feel less compelled. But if I push away all the rainbows and clouds I should realize. I should be looking for someone that has similar interests as me right? If I haven't changed into a loud partying raver by now, what makes me think I will? What makes me think I'll suddenly become interested in music and djing and cars? Your so silly C. You should be looking for a nice low key guy, who can't wait to talk to you and will give you non-stop hugs and is shy and silly just like you.

Sigh.

Still Feel Empty

:(
I can calulate the months its been since I broke up with you. Since our 1 year anniversary. Since the last time I saw you. And since the day I told you to leave me alone.
I can calculate the exact number of days.
I can remember the pain my heart felt when I left your car that night and the heartless text you sent me right after it felt like my heart had been crushed. That is how empty I feel sometimes. It makes me very sad to think about this. That after all this time and I still miss something about you. Something that I can't understand what it is, or why. Something that I am having so much trouble replacing.
I can barely talk about you without getting mad or crying. And I don't understand why! Why you are having this much of an effect on me when you meant nothing to me. Did nothing for me. Almost everything I do, I think of you. So many things remind me of you and how I would pick up my phone and text you right away.

Never let one person be the source of your happiness.

I know that, and yet I let it happen. I wonder constantly what you are doing, and if you think about me. I should know by now the answer is obviously no otherwise something would have happened already. I keep calling you selfish because that is the only way I can justify everything and make me feel better. To make you the bad person. I keep saying I want every thing to come back to you ten-fold, keep hoping that your world will collapse underneath you, keep hoping that one day you will realize what a shit-hole you dug yourself into.
But maybe.
None of that will happen. I keep wishing such negative things would happen that I've turned into an extremely negative person. My friends have started telling me how negative I've gotten and how I constantly focus on the bad things that can happen. Even when I try doing some positive mind exercises, they end up coming out negative. I blame myself for not trying hard enough and that my answers are quite pathetic. And I don't know how this has happened. How I had turned from such a happy smiling girl to a heartbroken jaded nag. Friends and even a work mate I barely talk to told me I was pretty negative. And I knew they were right. Whenever I call or text someone to complain they try to get me to look on the bright side of things, but I just see the past and how things could have been fixed and I wouldnt have had to bad, and then I would get so worked up about it. Or even worse, I call my parents for advice, sobbing because I am so upset. And they only thing they tell me in a nonchalant voice is. Don't worry. You will figure it out. And  I constantly feel like I am being brushed off

I just feel very empty a lot of the time. Like I've wandered far far away from my old path and aren't sure what I should be doing or where I need to be, or who I should be with. I hurt lots still. So much. And I've gotten so negative. I can actually feel and hear how negative I've gotten. To the point where sometimes people try to help me and I end up turning their help into negative thoughts. I want to blame him for doing this to me, but I'm sure part of it was me. Wanting something he couldn't give me and needing someone to blame when I should have backed down when I knew it wasn't right. I'm so negative, and yet.... sometimes I think I have too much faith in people. I believe everyone will do the right thing, but the don't always. And I feel sad when that happens. I wish I could just disappear a lot of the times. If I had no condo and no studio I would just cash in my accounts and disappear. And I think I would be very content.

I would be happy if I could be someone else.

Do Not Use Hop to it Maids Inc.

My business instructor always told me a complaint can go a long way:

I was recently asked to find a cleaner to help tidy up my grandparent's condo in Edmonton. They had just been hospitalized and my family decided we wanted to clean up their condo.We removed ALL the furniture, and putting in new carpet and new linoleum. After new carpet and lino was installed on Friday, I took on the task of finding a cleaning company to help us with a bit of the grunt work. I found a company called Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. on Kijiji and gave them a call. I told them our situation and asked for their help in cleaning my grandparents' 750 sq foot condo. The owner informed me their basic rate was $159/2 hours which included 2 workers and would be equivalent to 4 hours of work, they are a well respected, insured, and bonded company. I called around to a few more companies but for some odd reason I decided to go with them. A decision I regret deeply. My appointment was for 4pm this Saturday the 31st. They called me to say they were running late and would be there at 5:30pm. When they got to our building, they asked me if we had a vacuum they could borrow as theirs had just broken. No Problem. I took them upstairs and they said oh its a small condo, and there is barely any furniture here. They should finish with time to spare! I asked them if I should remove the photos from the walls to make it easier to clean and they said no, they will just spot clean. Then they told me they wouldn't clean the pantry because there were rubbermaid boxes in the way...... Not really happy with this but I volunteered to move the boxes out of the way so they could get access. At 6:15pm I told them I had to step out to run an errand and would be back by 7:30pm. I left and came back at 7:15pm and was promptly told they would not be able to finish and would need at least another 2 hours to finish and asked me if I wanted to re-schedule ! At $80/hr I surely said no. After they left I took a walk around and thought, What the HECK did these guys do for 2 hours. The small bathroom, living room vents, fridge, and some counter-tops were clean. My grandparent's entire bedroom hadn't been touched, the linoleum hadn't been swept or mopped, and the walls were still dirty. I went home and thought for a long long time and just felt so unhappy that I paid that much for such a bad job. I sent the owner a message letting her know I was a bit upset, told her what had and had not been cleaned and that I thought they over charged for 2 hours. The owner then said to me "Apparently it's your walls, they were very dirty. If you wish to book more time, please give me a call"
This just blew my mind. Not only did I not get a 'Sorry for the Misunderstanding' I'm pretty sure I was actually being blamed for an unfinished job that I just paid for?! :(
Anyhow, I just wanted to share my experience with this local company Hop-to-it-Maids Inc. They have group-on's and a lot of ads out there. I'm sure most of my friends aren't so lazy like me and are capable of cleaning up themselves, but if anyone ever needs cleaning services.
Don't Call Them <3 p="">
*Update*
After no provoke on my end, and a simple reply of "Thank you but I will not be requiring your services" The owner just sent me a text that pretty much said "your place was FILTHY"
I'm positive that one of the main rules in business is you DO NOT blame your client. My grandparents' place has been un-inhabited for a few months and as I previously stated, we had just cleared haul and removed all furniture and re-carpeted. Yes it was pretty dusty but was FAR from filthy. I just wish I could show everyone how NOT DIRTY our place was before they came. All we needed was someone to wash the floors, and walls. I just cannot believe a company can go around and insult its client as a response to a complaint.  

The best feeling

So, its been awhile since I last wrote an entry.
I've been trying to go out more, be it movies or dinner with friends, studio, or even clean the condo. Studio sales are actually going decent. It's making me back some spending money and definitely feel like I am doing better and better. I even made a shirt that I think has lots of potential !
Anyways, I'm still not 100%. It's really bugging me still that I'm not and I spend maybe 1/4 of my day thinking about him still.... or rather imagining what I would say if I saw his fat selfish face again. Yeah, I imagine conversations over and over and over again. So basically I still haven't forgiven myself. Not him. But myself. It wasn't all my fault. Not even close. But its not every minute any more. Maybe every few hours. So I'm doing a lot better. Yeah.

Anyhow main reason for this entry. This blog has always been like my diary. I write in it when bad things happen, and I write in it when good things happen. I haven't had a happy entry in a long time, so I'm sure it will be nice to read something more upbeat. Plus it boosted my confidence :)

So, has anyone ever had a day where they decide to wear something, and then regret it later on? I do that almost every day. On Sunday I decided to wear a pair of short shorts. It was a nice day and I said "I've lost weight, I can pull these off !" And then as the day progresses I start saying "MY THIGHS ARE WHITE AND JIGGLY I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM WEARING THESE" Finally at around 8pm I call it a day at the studio and start walking home. Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle. I finally get home and check my phone and I have one text from old super crush that simply read "Nice Legs". (For those who don't know, when I first met supercrush 2 years ago I had huuuuuge crush on him. Obviously he did not. Anyways, I've grown up and now we're decent friends, but of course there is always the notion that I used to like him.) Back on topic. I get a random text from him that says "Nice Legs". Uh, excuse me? He texts me back, and apparently he was driving by and totally checked me out because I was sporting some 'serious legs'. But the real kicker is: He didn't know even know it was me ! He said after he realized who he was checking out he shook his head and said "Aaaah Fuck". Made me smile super big. Hahaha, Ugly Duckling grows up :)
Anyways, it just made me feel happy, and kind of boosted my confidence. And just made me feel pretty again.

I know I say this at the end of every blog, but I think I'll be okay now......

Healing

This post was sitting in my draft box for a few months. Not too sure why I never posted it, but I've gone and came back from London !!

Almost 3 months have past since I told Dave to leave me alone and almost 7 months have passed since I broke up with you. I broke up with you. You may have wanted to, but that doesn't matter because I was the one that had the balls to say it. I'm doing a lot better now. I'm still pretty mad, but I'm doing a lot better. Not gonna lie but I still secretly hope you'll message me one day and say Sorry. But I've at least gotten to the the point where I'm okay now because there is a very low chance of that happening. You're too stupid and selfish to think you did anything wrong.
I bake and cook a lot more now to kinda fill the void and I also am on Pintrest an awful lot. Hahah yeah. A lot. But anyways. I'm doing better. I sleep a bit better and don't wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, but I do still have a little trouble staying asleep. I'm also going to London next week :) Thats big news. I really wanted to do something to feel brave an independant again and nothing does that like a solo trip to a country you've never been before. I decided about a month and a half ago that I wanted to go somewhere and I narrowed it down to San Francisco or London (how odd). I originally really wanted to go to San Fran but London seemed scarier and I knew I would feel better coming back from that trip. San Francisco reminded me of New York and as much as I wanted to go to their Chinatown and eat food and feel rich, I thought it was a very "safe" vacation. So I'll be hostel-ing it up in London. Haven't done much packing and research yet but I know I'm looking forward to the museums and markets. And of course food. The only downfall is Europe is pricy :S But, whatever, I that's what money is for, right?

David Villote is a huge asshole

Nope.
Thats not even close.
David Villote is the biggest fucking cocksucker I have ever known. This guy is the biggest selfish cunt face and he doesn't even realize it. The worst kind.

I can't even type right now, I'm so fucking pissed. So many things I want to say about this asshole that I don't even know where to begin. I hope you get herpes you mother fucking shit head. I hope you get herpes and your house gets repossessed. Which isn't even that big of a wish because you're heading straight for that road anyways. You bastard. You cause so much trouble for people and you don't even realize what you are doing. All you think about is yourself and what makes you happy. I KNEW IT and I still fucking dated you. I regret every single minute I spent with you beleiving your lies and telling myself I was happy. I hate that I once cared for a person like you. Someone that was able to move on SO EASILY and not even feel bad about the SHIT YOU CAUSED.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

No More

No More.

It took so long, and will still take so long for me to forget you. I may be using forget synonymously with forgive. But regardless it will take a long, long time.

Anyways. I'm doing a lot better since I stopped talking to you. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I still am stupid, and wish things could go back to they way they were..... but I don't think I believe in going backwards.... But I'll never know. I still think about you lots and when I see things that remind me of you I want to buy them for you. And its things like these that make me realize how little you did for me. Never coming to visit me at work, or say meaningful things to me, or making me feel like I was truly important to you. Never once. I need to stop dwelling on this rejected feeling and move on and just get you out of my life. I feel like I barely have any friends or a life anymore without you, because when I'm alone, which is constantly, I think about how I would normally be over at your place. At least in the presence of you.
I'm doing a lot better I say. I can be sociable with my co-workers, and have gone out to see some of my old KW friends and I feel okay. Normal even. But sometimes they mention you and ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. And my answer is never yes. Because I still hurt. But thats not an option. I don't want to hurt and feel this way anymore. To feel used and stupid and like such a fool for caring for someone like you. To feel so embarrassed that I was once proud to call you mine. That I dated someone like you, who could forget me so quickly. I'm sure I've said it before, but I wish so hard that everything comes back to you. Everything. You may have not liked that I thought and worried to much, but because of that I see lots of things people don't. How you can't finish anything. How you are nothing but talk. How you are actually a horrible selfish boy. And if everything keeps up you'll be 75 and still working and telling people you're going to retire at 40. I've given this advice to everyone, and I should see it myself too. I have no where else to go but up from here. Dating you was bringing me down. I had nothing to lose but a dreamer. I feel like I lost everything when I lost you. But in reality, you lost everything when you gave me up. I wanted nothing tangible from you. Only your faith, trust and honesty. If I had stayed with you, I'm sure my life savings would have dwindled to nothing and I would have forgetten all my hopes and dreams. But if you had stayed with me I was always trying to help you stand back up. Maybe you didn't think you needed help, but I think you do. I was willing to look past your faults and tried so many times to help you and make you feel confident. None of which you did for me. But you never believed me. You didn't try. You never tried. You only thought about yourself and how "bothersome" I was becoming. You didn't see how you were always running away, hiding and giving up. Never going forward, staying in the same place and sometimes even going backwards. You always though I wanted you to try harder. But I think actually, I wanted you to try harder. For yourself.

I was good for you, but you never saw it.
You weren't good for me, and I too, never saw it.

Thus it inevitable that we broke up.

Why is this one so hard

So very very hard.
Why can't I just forget about you. I'm mad at you every day for what you did. I yell and and scream and blame you and blame me and do ever possible thing I can to forget you. You were a horrible horrible person and you don't even know it. And that's what kills me. That you get away with it.
I hate that.



This was an entry I started while grieving at work. I stopped and forgot about it until just now. I can't remember what I wanted to say at the time, but I thought I would just finish the train of thought.

My favorite movies

So I'm supposed to be making lists of things that make me happy and I thought I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies that always make me happy after watching them :)

Fast Five (duuuuh)
Up!
Memoirs of a Geisha
Inception
Enchanted
Sleeping Beauty
Ponyo
Spirited Away
Zombieland
Lucky Number Slevin
The Simpsons Movie......
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles The Movie


....well.... that list didn't become as long as I thought it would. How sad.... Anyways, the re-occuring theme, if you can't tell is:
They all have happy endings..... to me anyways.

Half a Year

Today I was lying in bed trying to escape. When I realized. Its been 6 months since we broke up.

Half a year.

Half a year I spent trying to forget and forgive and get you out of my life. Every month I would count.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five months. How come only five months have passed, I would ask myself. Only five months. But today while lying in bed I realized its been half a year. Half a Year. Half a year I've spent being constantly sad and thinking about you. Half a year has gone by since August 7th, the day I couldn't take it anymore and asked you if we should still date, even though I knew what your answer was going to be. I'm sure you haven't changed much in half a year. You didn't even change much since I met you. You only got worse. And I bet you don't regret anything and are just going on like everything will be okay. While I sat here and felt like a bad person for half a year. Tried to get back on my feet. And went through 180 days of feeling like it was August 8th. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad anymore. I don't feel sad 24 hrs a day anymore. But a lot of things still trigger memories of you. And I think to myself that a lot of those memories were actually lies because you never could tell me the truth. And how weak and stupid I feel all the time. For trusting and believing in you.

But I should be able to see. I'm a strong person, and I'm a good person. I was the one that spoke up each and every time. I didn't try to hide or ignore it hoping it would go away, or lead you on. I was honest and genuine when I told you my feelings because I actually cared. Not like you. I didn't say things I didn't mean. Even though you made me say sorry for things I shouldn't have. I'm stronger than you maybe even. I broke us up, even though I wanted us to work. I changed our relationship status. I stopped talking to you. I was the one that had the steeper hill to climb. I faced most of my sadness head on. I didn't kill myself. And I fought every morning to get out of bed and try and be normal again. You didn't. You just hid behind work and work and more work. You ran away and hid behind things until the problem went away. Like you do with everything. You haven't changed much. Or you've gotten worse. When I met you you were planning on quitting Telus. You wanted Amway to fix your life, and you said you would give it a year. Its been 2 years. You still work at Telus, and your still spending more money on Amway than you are making. You couldn't afford to keep your car, and it looks like you won't be able to afford your house anymore either. You lost a girl who cared very much for you and did everything she could in her power to make you happy. So what do you have now. At least I can say I've moved forward. I'm not a waitress, and I don't work at a mall where I was embarassed and had to wear a uniform anymore. I have a good paying job where I feel needed and I'm financially stable enough that I've been able to lend money to my friends and can still travel where and whenever I want to. I'm only sad because I'm alone. I don't miss you, I just miss the idea I had of you. You filled a void in my life, but you didn't make me feel special. I always cared about what you wanted and what you did and what would make you happy. Everything I did for you, is what I wanted you to do for me. You never asked questions about me, or wanted to get to know me. You never made me feel special even when you told me I was important to you. I never felt like your friends accepted me, and I always felt inadequate compared to Daisy. You never seemed proud of me. But all I wanted was for you to be honest with me. I didn't think that would be so hard. But. I knew even before I wanted to date you, that you never took life seriously. And it takes a strong person to be able to say goodbye to something they don't want to leave.

A good person. I did things to make others happy, because seeing them happy made me happy too. Levar told me I was a good person. Daisy once said Dave and I were her favorite couple. Even Brendan said we were cute. Big Dave told me he missed me. And I think Mrs. Villote thinks I'm a good person too, because she still asks him about me. All these people think I am a good person. So I must be, right? Dave said he used to love showing me off to his friends. And he was very proud of me. He told me before, I hadn't changed and there wasn't anything I was doing differently. And he said. 'So it must be me'. And it must be, right? All these people, including me, thought we were going to be okay. You were the only one who didn't. And maybe you know your heart best. But maybe you were the problem after all. Because you always lie to yourself and persuade yourself everything will be okay, when everything isn't.

Half a year has passed since I broke up with you. Maybe I'm still hung up over you. And maybe I still miss you..... but maybe that's okay. I have every right to take as much time as I need to get over you. I shouldn't feel bad or stupid for missing you. Because it just means I'm human. and that I believed in you and that I put a lot of faith in you. And so its only fair that I need every single bit of time to get over you and get back that faith that you stole from me. So while I stay here and get better. You can keep running away. 

Do you remember when you told me you dreamed that you and I ballroom danced under the chandelier at Corona Station?

I do.

A different kind of sadness

Does anyone else ever feel really really sad after they finish reading a really good book?
Sad because the story ends?
Even if it is a happy ending?

When I was still in University, ever year during exam week as a study break I would start reading the entire Sailor Moon manga series. And every year, after I finished reading the last page of the last book I would always feel a bit sad. Because such a great story came to an end. Maybe I feel this way because I'm such a pessimist..... but it always made me sad because it was like saying good bye to someone you watched grow up and knowing that you'll never see them again. You can always read the book, or watch the movie, or play the game all over again, but then nobody knows anyone again. It's not a new adventure or memory.....
Ha-ha, I sound super dramatic I know. But I always always thought this. Chrono Trigger is another game that always makes me sad when I finish it. Especially the ending where everyone goes back to their time periods and the Gates permanently close. They  met each other at the beginning, grew and became friends and had an amazing adventure, and then they all had to say good bye and never see each other again. So sad ! I much rather prefer the ending where they still have Epoch and can visit everyone whenever they want. (Yes, even if it means accidentally fucking up the past !)

So this leads to my next favorite story. The Fast and the Furious movies ! I know there is a new movie coming out soon, but all honestly, I kind of wish they stopped it after Fast Five. I guess I won't know until the 6th movie comes out.... BUT WHAT IF THEY RUIN IT !!! Fast Five had a very very nice ending. Albeit it made me sad. :( Not too sure why. But I woke up this morning with that same feeling I get when I finish reading Sailor Moon. Even though it was a very good ending, and everyone was rich and able to do their own thing now. I think it made me sad because it felt like their adventure was over. How bittersweet. Even though it makes me sad, I wouldn't change a thing about it. If I did, then it wouldn't be a 'perfect ending' anymore ! But yeah, all the movies with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in them, they were always doting on the idea of family and they spent all this time together planning jobs and heists. Or was it the opposite and  maybe they did all those jobs just so they could spend time together..... Maybe thats it. After the happy endings, the main problem is solved and the friends don't have a real reason to spend time together and go on an adventure..... Ai-ya, why am I thinking so deeply about this !

Maybe that's what adjustment disorder does. Makes it hard for me to accept that a story is over :( That the happiest times are over, and that there's no more adventures after.... Even though real life isn't like that, because my story doesn't end after a good day. It goes on and on with more and more stories and happier and sadder times. It is wrong to live in the past isn't it. While dating Dave, one of the happiest memories I can remember is the night we all went out to Halo. My friends. Dave's friends. And even Brendan. And then we went to All Happy, and I was sitting at the head of the table, and I looked around and saw everyone getting along and smiling and laughing. And I put my head on Dave's shoulder and thought. This is a great memory. And I always think back to that day and it feels like I'll never be that happy again. Even though I know this is a lie. I can find that happiness again if I want to. But I have to look for it in the present. Not by reliving the past that doesn't exist anymore. Its funny how I can give great advice to people, but I don't know how to take it myself. And everything always comes back to you. I think I'm almost okay now. Haven't talked to you in a month. And haven't seen you in almost two. I wonder if you think about me, and I hope that you do. And I wish every day that I'd see a message from you. But I don't know what I'd do if any of those things came true. Those wishes are what my heart wants very very bad. But as I've learnt, the heart isn't always the best judge of character. This relationship and heart break probably happened for a reason. And as much as I want us to be together again.......you weren't meant for me and I just need to know that there are better things waiting out there for me that can make me even happier.

Angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=QavgbeEAZmQ

While molting at home and being a sloth in front of the computer I started watching clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I forgot how much I loved this show when I was young. I never realized how amazing a couple Buffy and Angel were. No joke, I think I base all my relationships on the idea that theirs was the greatest ! So perfect, but so sad! I kinda wanna watch the later season now just to see when they make cameo's in their separate shows. I was watching fan vids on youtube and I swear everything they said sounds like what I say to myself. Except there's no fairy-tale boy to say things back to me ....

Today is January 31st, 2013. I stopped talking to Dave 30 days ago. My heart hurts very much still. But its getting better.
Slowly.
I think.

I still have conversations with myself. But most of them time now they are just me getting mad and unloading on 'him'. I still tear up the odd time. Watching Buffy and Angel clips definitely didn't help. I wish I had a sweet boy who knew how to say thoughtful things. That made me feel special. Not like just another girlfriend. I forgot that thats the way Dave always made me feel. Whenever he told me I was important to him, I never really believed it. I felt like he was pitching a sale to me like I was just another girl. So it probably is a good thing that we broke up. Because I would never have been strong enough if he didn't push me.

I finally went to the studio today. I made an effort. I knew how pathetic I was getting just sitting at home and being sad. So I went to the studio to try and distract myself. If I ignore a problem long enough it'll go away. Just like he does. It was okay. I feel like my brain has gotten stupider or something. I can't remember certain words and funny stories I used to tell. It makes me feel boring and dull and stupid :( I gave Judy a big, long hug today too. Ridiculously, it made me a bit happy. Like I was hugging a really strong person. Like Dave. I also almost had a heart attack today because Stephanie sent me a text and from the corner of my eye I thought it said Stupid Poo Face..... How very very sad. I've put pretty much everything away. Except Pink Domo and that stupid stupid STUPID blender. A fucking blender for an anniversary present. I wanted something to make memories with, not food you idiot. Stuff like that just shows how little he knew about me. Probably didn't even know my favorite color. And never asked me questions about myself or seemed like he wanted to get to know me....

I just feel so weak. So weak for missing an asshole this much. Knowing that he was never what I wanted but I still believed him. I'm in the worst possible position because it hurts to miss him. And if he told me he missed me, it would probably hurt too because it's what I want to hear, but its not what I need.

Sigh.

Anyways. I'm thinking of going on a vacation soon. Going travelling anyways. Alone, so I can hopefully find some happiness and remember how to smile again.....

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Someone else's answer

This is such a great question, closure... we all want it so bad, yet when heartbroken I have no idea if there is a real closure... When my ex left me, I was devastated, I tried to have hope, I tried to hate, I tried to forget, none of them seemed to work. I wanted closure, she would never give it to me, I wasnt pushy either, from the day she suddenly broke up with me I didn't contact her for over 30 days, when I tried she wasnt very responsive, then when I moved back into town, our meet up where I was hoping to just have a friendly conversation, she brings her sister and makes it like they are in a hurry.

Now she left me for another guy, straight up, they were together right after we broke up and are still.. Could have started together while we were still together, I have no idea, day by day for so long I hurt and wanted to know why, but no good could have ever really come from it, because it is never what I would have wanted to hear, but then one day, things just finally changed, the hurt became so much less, and then when they announced theyre relationship publicly via facebook and many people called me up about it, I wasn't mad, hurt, sad, hateful, or spiteful; I really was not even bothered by it, I suprised myself with the way I felt inside... I feel time brings us closure, becoming the person we once were, I know I have become so much more outgoing again and seeing the joys in life and really looking to enjoy everyday more than I ever have, that is my closure, my happiness is back... and one day I know I will find somoene who will make me happier, not make me look for any closures.

Closure comes from within. This I have now learned, it took me awhile, but now I am seeing it.

Untitled

Never once did I ever mention marriage. Not Once.
The thought of it terrifies me.
People always change. You are proof of that.

Everything I Ever Wanted .....

You never did for me.

Dave sent me Happy New Years on the 1st. It was the first message I saw when I finally opened my eyes. Of course I cried ! It motivated me to get out of bed and meet my family for dimsum, who I told I wasn't coming. I talked to him on and off for the rest of the day. And right as I went to bed. I told him I needed him to leave me alone. And then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he hadn't replied back. And he didn't the next day or the day after.
But then. A week later he sent me a message. He invited me to his birthday party. It made me mad that even now he still doesn't listen to the things I ask of him. That he was very selfish always thinking about what would make him feel better, and not how I would feel too.  Doesn't he realize how much more he makes my heart hurt? So, so painful. Maybe I shouldn'tve told him his messages made me happy. They did, but only for a split second. And then it was like August all over again. Random people tell me he does it because he misses me. But I think he does it because he feels guilty. Regardless of the answer my heart hurts. Day 21 today. The longest I made it without messaging Dave was 26 days. I need to make it past that. I hadn't cried for a really really long time, but I started again yesterday in the movie theatre. I really need to stop going to those. No matter what type of movie, I haven't made it out of there without crying. Even if its a comedy. Too much sitting around and time to let my mind wander. Today after I got home I started sobbing again too. I wish I didn't, and I don't know why I started again either. If only I was stronger. I just wish I had someone to talk too. Someone to just keep my mind busy so that I didn't think so much. Then maybe everything wouldn't remind me of him. And everything wouldn't be so painful...

Anyways. I waited till midnight. Happy Birthday. I hope you have a horrible day filled with sorrow and regret. You probably won't, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Time heals all...

The feeling of having the one person in your whole entire world who you trusted the most, give up on you and walk away.


I think it takes a lot of time to heal that kind of pain