this is my gangster hat

when i wear it i become gangsta'. yo.
I dunno if its a good thing or a bad thing that i'm recovering so quickly from these bouts of depression. you figured its bad that one day i'm super good and then the next day i'm mashing my fists into a bloody pulp. (but not really) soo... my hand is feeling a lot better, though if i push certain spots it still hurts....obviously. but yeah. Anyways man thought for the day that i had. While in artH class today me and my friend michelle were talking and she told me that she was getting excited because she was getting married! Shes only 3 years older than me and i thought that was really exciting. Shes the first person/friend of mine that's around the same age as me and is getting married. Wow there was so many thoughts that went through my head when she said that. I mean she told me her and her fiance have been going out for like 6 years now and so i guess its about time. But it was still kinda shocking. I mean aside from katherine i dont think i know anyone else within my age range (give or take 10 years) who is in the jist of getting married anytime soon. And i guess i can't say that ppl are getting married younger these days, because my parents and older cousins all got married around 24ish too. So yeah. Its kinda funny/creepy because i said 2 my brothers last month, that a year from now i could be married if just tomorrow i happened 2 meet a guy and he happened to be my future husband.....So basically i dont know what the point i'm trying 2 get to.... Something along the lines of marriage and being young when it happens. I dunno, maybe because i hear so much about ppl getting married it seems so common, but when suddenly one of my friends gets married it sinks in that i could be that someone someday too....i mean, i think about like stupid things like wedding dresses and where i'd want to have my wedding and stuff, but i never really 'really' thought about what would happen if i ever got proposed to. Like, i always say how i'd want to get married so that i'd have someone to be with most of the time, but actually when i think about it deeper, it makes me kind of nervous.... woya, but yeah, apparently i'm missing an extremely important part of marriage which happens to be a man, so it looks like i wont be getting married anytime soon mates. And if i do i'm sure you'll be the first to know.....

bad week

this week really has been a pretty bad week actually. I haven't had one of these since highschool and my first year of university. My hand has bloated to almost twice its size and i think i broke some blood vessels, or whatever. I dunno if its better or worse that rather than screaming i now like to beat myself up. I was kinda hoping i'd hit something hard enough to break a few bones and then maybe somebody would feel bad. I dunno if maybe i was just being selfish or what. But i'll give you guys the low down. I had bought a bunch of cards a while back ago (because there was a special) to give 2 ppl for upcoming events. ie mothers day fathers day, when cathy leaves.... So there was like....5 cards in there. I was trying 2 find the mothers day card today so that i could get my dickjob brothers 2 sign them so i could mail out the card and the present when i finished buying all the stuff. And so i remember when i bought the cards that i had left them in the bag by the side of the sofa. But they weren't there when i went 2 look for them, so i looked elsewhere.... EVERYWHERE else. And i couldn't find them anywhere. So i started getting a little frustrated. And i asked my brothers and they said they never touched it. So i looked some more, for like 2 hours. And still nothing. So i started getting really frustrated, shouting out a *FUCK...mumblemumble* everyso often. And my 2 brothers did nothing, just sat and watched tv. So i kept on looking and i was OBVIOUSLY pissed off because they were sitting on their asses doing nothing, while i was looking for a pack of cards, more specifically the mothers day card so that THEY could sign it and take credit for a gift that they had absolutely nothing to do w/. Finally i got so angry that i yelled at them and said something like *I NEVER TOUCHED THOSE CARDS SO I SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT UNLESS YOU GUYS MOVED THEM* and they didn't move and i said *ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU GUYS AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING HELP ME LOOK* and then terence (who btw is really REALLY pissing me off these few months) said *Well maybe if you picked up your 'garbage' once in a while we wouldn't throw it away* and i said *GARBAGE, IS YOUR FUCKING MOTHERS CARD CONSIDERED GARBAGE?!????* and by that time i was so angry that i started screaming and punching walls and floors like crazy. Good lord, when ever that happens to me (which hasn't been very recently) i get so angry and i have so much trouble breathing. Its times like that that i really scare myself because i really can't control what i do and i basically feel no pain.... which might be a good thing eventually.... but anyways so i went into my bathroom and cried a lot and hurt myself some more. And i was really really upset because i really wanted 2 talk 2 someone but i didn't know who i could call. I wanted to call jess but she changed her cell phone and i didn't know it off by heart yet. I guess its probably bad that i keep all this stuff inside me, but call it habit or something but i just can't voice it. I called my mom while i was in the bathroom and i think i really really really wanted 2 tell her how upset and sad i was feeling but i just couldn't get the words out. And whenever i got close my voice started to crack and....and then i'd just stop. What bothers me really the most i think is not just that i'm starting to turn back into my old pain inflicting, depressed self. But also the cause of it. When i was younger....i'm not sure what really depressed me, but one of the reasons i couldn't bring myself to really kill myself was that i was worried about all the loved ones who i'd make sad. Now though, its actually almost like those loved ones are the ones who are making me depressed. My two brothers are so distant it seems and even though we live in the same household, we dont carry on coversations like we used to and we're not even close to being as close as we used to. I dont live w/ my parents anymore and my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents rarely see me anymore anyways. So it really feels like nobody will really care if i'm gone because i wasn't there in the first place. Whenever my grandparents or uncles call out, they always ask for terence or felix. And kinda sorta same w/ my dad. Oh god i feel so left out of my family right now. And its like i dont really know anyone else i can talk to. Jessica rarely talks to me anymore as it is. And iris has her own family out here, and cathy is always with her boyfriend. So really i dont know what i should do.....It really really makes me sad that this blog is turning back to the depressing blog that it originally used to be

....untitled

Sometimes I think people dont realize how short life really is until its to late. But also at the same time I think that whoever decides when its time for someone to pass on, whether they be god, lord or spirit, has a cruel sense of humour. Several years ago my close cousin lost her dad to a heart attack the night before fathers day and which was also the night before his birthday. Just today i recieved a letter from a friend informing that her mother had also passed away, 4 days before mothers day. I feel a pang of saddness in my heart when i hear news like this because the people who've lost their loved ones had they had a few more days would have been able to share a wonderful hopefully love filled day w/ that person. But even having said this, isn't it sad how we take one...ONE day out of three hundred and sixty five days to show someone how much you appreciate them? When you think about it, how come everyday can't be mothers day, or fathers day, or valentines day or whatever stupid day that has been commercially created? If everyday you woke up and said 'i love you' to everyone you care about, then you wouldn't have to feel guilty if the next day they weren't there for you to say it to.... Humans are foolish creatures sometimes and i often dislike being one. I have the opportunity to live 100 years if i stayed healthy and active. When i'm young i'll complain that life is hard and complicated and i wish i was older so i didn't have to worry about the future. But in the future when i'm 50-60+ i'll complain that life is to short and i'll wish i was younger so i could do the things that i never got to do. Life really is ironic. Sometimes when i'm faced w/ choices and paths to choose, i'll think of that. People tell me that i do stupid things sometimes and waste money, but i guess maybe i'm thinking that they are certain things that i've always wanted to do and when i'm older i can have the chance to say that *yes i did that before* and *i've been there before*. Even though at this moment there aren't to many *daring* things that i've done....but if i ever get faced w/ the oportunity to then hopefully i'll remember what i've just said, and do what i say i'll do.

blasphemy

In case anyone ever wonders, the titles of these posts are often random words that just pop into my head when i can't think of anything to say (which is what i often do/say in real life). Any ways. I just want to re-comment on these past few days. I have to say that a days outcome really does depend on how you want it to turn out. On monday i had a really bad day. But actually i think it was only bad because i let it turn out that way. If i tried i probably could have made it less unfavorable by just not thinking about it so much and looking at the bright side. I say this because on Wednesday i had a pretty much equally as bad day. But rather than let it get to me i just chose not to think about how bad it was. Rather i thought of other stuff like how much worse it could have been and how thankful i was that the latter didn't happen instead. And really that wednesday turned out a lot better than i could have wanted it to. But yeah, that was all i really wanted to comment on. Mind over matter i guess...or soemthing like that.... ;P

been awhile

Today I cried. I haven't cried in a really long time and since i pretty much only cry when i'm depressed it meant today i was depressed. It was an extremely shitty day today. So many past memories came flooding back to me today in the rain. When i was walking 2 the bank I started thinking of how much my brothers were jerks. And how this problem could have been easily solved if he had just takin me back home (5 mintues away) so i could have gotten my cheques. But rather than that he didnt. So i wasted 45 minutes, which led to the closing of the bank before i could get there. I was so sad when i was walking there because those feelings of being uncared for started emerging again. I thought about running away again. But i didn't know where i could go. And like usually it was pretty much useless because no one really notices when i run away depressed and also i never have anyplace to go. I thought about going to Iris' but then i figured it'd be quite for her and my brothers wouldn't care if i went 2 iris'. So then i thought of cathy, but then i figured she was with her boyfriend and i didn't want to intrude. So i was left w/ going nowhere like usual but back home. GOD I FEEL SO USELESS. i have absolutely no idea where i'm going in life, and when something fails i just make up an excuse and chose a different path. I dont want to admit failure but at the same time i dont want to dissapoint my dad who puts so much faith in me. I hate myself because i always feel so uselss. eeeer i dont want to go back to being what i used to be because it was horrible and i hated always crying and not being able to sleep and hurting myself and lying to my family. I hope this little burst of depression goes away soon because I've already started to do the crying and hurting myself bit and its only been the first day.

horrible horrible

These past few days have been really really crappy. Man i haven't had shitty days like this in a long time. First, on saturday, right after work this dirty business suit wearing man bummed 7 bucks offa me. I dont know how the hell he did but that fucker is going to burn in hell. It seriously pisses me off when shitheads like that seriously dont need the money and yet they still get it. And like, at least the people who really REALLY need it, they ask you once and if you say no they POLITELY say thanks anyways and walk away. This jerk stood there for like 10 mintues while i was waiting for the green light asking me friggen 50 times. And then after i gave him 4 dollars he seen my 5 dollar bill and asked for that AS WELL. and i dont know what the hell possessed me cuz i actually gave it to him. and then i walked away pissed off. and then the more i thought about it the angrier i got. By the time i got home i was super pissed off so i punched the brick wall. And when i was in the elevator i was still angry so i punched the metal wall. I woke up that night and my knuckles were swollen. Stupid jerk. Then on Sunday it was uber slow and i was waiting for 4oclock 2 come so that i could start my countdown for hometime. And right at 4 30 the other hostess called in and asked me 2 work for her. I guess once again that was my own fault for saying yes but i'm just trying 2 get some more hours/moolah. So there went my sunday. Today was equally as crappy. stupid cirque de soleil tix. all in all we have 3 tix and technically enough for everybody who wants 2 go....but... ah fuck its also a long complicating story. And then my brothers were going 2 go 2 claireview to take care of some condo investing business. I tagged along cuz i wanted 2 go 2 Michaels, but it ended up being farther away than i thought and my brothers only needed a few minutes 2 sign some papers so i just stayed in the car. Then i asked my brother if i could go 2 the bank 2 deposit my cheques so that id have enough money 2 pay for my tuition tomorrow. And then i realize that i had fucking taken my cheques out earlier today 2 check how much money there was altogether. So my other brother went 2 the bank and i was getting uber pissed off. After they went 2 futureshop 2 exchange something and i was geting EXTREMELY pissed off at this time cuz he was taking so long. When i finally got home it was past 8 and i got my cheques and started walking in the rain 2 the bank. And obviously when i got there it was fucking CLOSED. But at this point in time i had already figured that it was going to be closed. And since i had already cried all the way there i figured it was useless to cry anymore so i went 2 save ons and bought useless junkfood.

once again due to the unreliability of my internet....

....here is another post from a previous day,
April 5th. Deedle dooo, I love working in public areas because i get to see pretty men... *tee hee* hahaha Aaaah especially the guy w/ the big smile, hes so cute. Hohoo. oh doh, there was something i wanted 2 write in here but i have forgotten.... Although i do remember that today a guy around in his late 20's early 30's came in and ordered to go, and he looked like an older version of mitch. I was extremely creeped out. Especially when he kept on staring deeply into the depths of my soul. And then also again when he asked for my name and when i gave it to him he asked me if it was my real name.... that spells c-r-e-e-p-y, my friends. Aaaaah I heart gentlemen. And i want 2 say that i like guys that are a few years older than me....dunno why but thats what i feel. OH OH i remember what i was going to say now. So, today i was sleeping and i dreamt that i was back in highschool and that i had slept in and my ride had come 2 pick me up. And when i was in highshool if i took to long my friend would knock on the door and since i'm a light sleeper i would hear it and automatically know that i had slept in. So I jolted up and rushed around getting ready. I finally got to school when the school bell rang. But in reality it was my real house phone and it woke me up. I was supposed 2 work lunch today and so i really actually was late.... sigh. I think that i subconsciously knew that i was supposed 2 work today hence why i dreamt that i was going to be late.... hahaha thats extremely weird. But i thought it was neat. Anyhoo i'm going to sleep now i'm uber tired.

oh garfunkle

Hello fellow prisonmates.
so how is everybody? (i say that expecting someone 2 actually reply) WELP i just finished organizing my portfolio for submission tomorrow.....*WISH ME LUCK* hoya, 3rd times the charm right??? (please please please let me in) Yeaaaah, i was looking at the portfolio i submitted last year and BOY did i submit some ugly stuff.... hahah no variety either. I would like to say that my portfolio this time looks pretty decent....althought i have no idea what their expectations are so i could be completely wrong.... uuugh and then comes the 2 month wait.... sob sob. But anyways i have another work related story to tell everyboby. (actually 2 now that i think about it)
#1. We hired a new hostess at work, and coincedentially she used to work at my families restaraunt in ft mac. She (as my brother says) doesn't have much if any common sense. For example, she put an order of wonton soup in one of those styrofoam boxes (the ones where liquid can slosh out the sides). and amongst other stuff. But it was like 2 years ago so i was like *aaah she was young, and ppl change* so i didn't mention anything to any of my workers. But apparently my workmates figured it out on their own.... haha jkjk....kinda. apparently i've been missing some interesting days at work when she hostesses... hahah i'm mean. I dont really want 2 indulge to deeply into this story cuz it can go on for a really long time.... so onto the next anecdote
#2. So whoever has been keeping track of this blog since day 1 knows that i work as a hostess at a restaurant. (but since no one has i figured i should refresh those memories) As a hostess i also take care of any take out orders. Aaaaand so theres this guy who comes in every so often and orders food. And when i ask him for his name 2 put on his order he always tells me his name is 'bob'. (rather he says something like 'oh you can put down bob') And, it could be just me but i always felt that he was giving me a fake name. Not just because of the way he says it but also the tone of voice and how he pronounces his own name. (i feel like a psychologist) Buut he rarely comes in so i usualy forget about it. 'Except', last Thursday. When he came in, in his work uniform....GASP ITS THE UNIFORM, I HAVE A THING FOR MEN IN UNIFORMS DONT I?!??!! 'ahem' when he came in w/ his 'chef' uniform on and i was like *hey your actually pretty good looking* (of course i just thought that...) aaaand he told me his name was bob and then flashed me his 1000watt grin which i now this is really really cute cuz its like.... a full face grin. Yadda yadda end of that for a few days. And then on Saturday, low and behold he came in during lunch...to STAY... wooh aaaah. he asked for a table for 2 and if he could borrow the phone. and he called but no one picked up so i just took him 2 his table where he told me he was expecting his mother in 20 mintues (haha) And then like 15 mintues later a lady called in saying that our phone number was on her call display and that her son had probably called looking for her. She was like 'Yes i believe my son called looking for me, his names...* well i'll just say that its not bob. theres probably a reason why he doesn't tell his name to ppl like me for reasons like this....not to mention that i dont remember it....) and then i gave bob the phone and as i walked away and started thinking 'ha-haaa i know your real name' TeeHee i feel so special, so sneaky.... even though his mommy gave it away. Hohohoho i'll never look at you the same way again bob.