its hard to admit

i made a recent discovery. Last year when i was constantly stressed out and depressed i cried *a lot* .... Today, after ....what....like 8 months, i cried. For the entire time that i was in the shower. I was so upset because since i only cry when i'm stressed it pretty much means i'm stressed out. and if it persists i'm get depressed again. I feel like i'm failing behind in school work right now in EVERYTHING. Theres so many people out here at our place right now its getting really hard to do anything. Everywhere i go theres clothes and suitcases everywhere. and i cant seem to do any work anywhere. Usually i'll do my art work on the living room floor in front of the tv and then i'll work on it, take a break, work on it, etc. But because my dad and grandparents are out here i have to pick everything up and put it away right away. And i can't even leave the smallest thing out like a cup or something. My brother got mad at me because i told him i was really behind and named all the hw that i still had remaining. He asked me 'what the hell i've been doing all this time'. and i honestly raised my voice a bit and told him 'I can't get ANYTHING done around here.* I'm most productive at night. I usually do my work on the kitchen table, but i can't now because dad is sleeping in the living room. I do my acctg hw in my room at night but i can't now because my gramma is sleeping in there. And felix's room is definitly out of the question because he sleeps in there. So at night i have nothing left 2 do but go to sleep. But, of course, i can't because A) i'm not tired, and B) i know i have so much hw to do. So i toss and turn for like 3-4 hours and that results in me waking up tired and sleeping in the afternoons. So not only am i falling behind in school but i'm also losing sleep. And what makes it even worse is that my grandpa is in the hospital still. and, i mean hes doing better but the nurses gve him a bunch of pain killers and hes all woosy and out of it, and my gramma worries about him. Today was kinda the first day i went 2 go see him and i was expecting 2 stay there an hour, and then i could come home and fiish my clocks. but they ended up staying at the hospital for almost 3 hours. and i started 2 get really frustrated because i wnted 2 go home. but then i started 2 get angry at myself for being selfish. Here was my grandpa in a hospital bed and my gramma worried 2 death over him and all i wanted 2 do was go home and finish my homework. And now i'm extremely stressed out because i know i'm falling behind, and im extremely confused at to what i should give first priorities to. I feel so bad because I DONT LIKE BEING DEPRESSED. it sucks and i know because i've had mild cases before and managed to get better and be able 2 look back and know how much it sucks. And now i feel like i'm falling back in again and as much as i dont want to i can't seem to help it. I tried really hard not to cry today because i knew that if i did it would be like i was saying that i was starting that road again. And it felt so bad in the shower because in the past when i cried i always thought about all the things that were making me cry and then i'd cry harder. and that is exactly what happened today.....so it's pretty much a given fact right now that i'm stressed out. I haven't figured out if i'm depressed yet (i'm saying it like im happy, but trust me i'm not) I dont know how i'm going to finish the rest of 2005 if everything keeps going on like this. I just dont want go back to being sad and always crying again because like i've figured out. i hate it.

i just want to ax-plode

that is what i want 2 to. So fellow townsfolk, since i haven't written an entry in what seems like aeons, i will give the update. My nice humble abode has now turned into a shack hotel. Its not that i dont like having many relatives over, its just that i can't get anything done. I feel so deprived right now. I'm sharing a room w/ my brother, who gets up at 7AM each morning and his radio alarm plays for an hour before he gets up. I'm a fairly light sleeper, so i'm up once that alarm clock goes off, till 2 hours later after he leaves for work. And then after that its like 9AM and the other family members start waking up and shining lights in my eyes. *sob sob* i'm so tired. and i failed my econ midterm...by like 1 mark....sob sob But. on the plus side grandpa had his heart surgery today and it went okay is what i hear. I had 2 go to class so i didn't get 2 stay. and theeeeen i went 2 shop class and constructed a clock. whoo hoo. This project i thought was actually pretty fun, its coming along i think i'll safely say. However, i discovered just now that the body of my clock is a bit big....SOB SOB. Oo oooh, haha so my instructor isn't appearing to ignore me anymore. hohoh thats always a plus, i think perhaps he has realized that maybe i'm not snobby and that i actually really know nothing about the shop. hahaha. bryan on the other hand. ohoho boy i'd like to give him a piece of my mind. i dunno whats up with him. erg arg....alas, i'm supah tired right now, and i shoulda been asleep 22 minutes ago. so i think that is what i will do.

为什么?

why oh why. i dont know. hahaha. boy boy, many ppls birthdays are coming up again. ho hum. hehehe but the maaain reason i'm writing this blog tonight. is...hohoh you prolly know, its in regards 2 bento c man. hahaha gossip gossip time ladies and gentlemen. so me and sherry we alwasy gossip about him when he comes in to eat lunch on thursdays (oh about how good looking he is, and how something something) and last last thursday, we were talking about him and just as we finished he walked in through the door. and so....like the bumbling elementary school girls we appeared to be we started giggling really hard. and he asked us what was wrong and then sherry said that we were just gossiping about him...hahah yeaaah *smooooth aren't we* hahah and THEN. this week, sherry told me that he hasn't shown up for the whole week. (this is the same guy whos ordered the same thing almost every day of the year for 4 years we're talking about) and we were like *uh oh, do you think he got creeped out because we were talking about him* hahah so then jen and us decided 2 go and eat at joey's on friday (no not just cuz of bento c man, but for numerous other reasons....that i cannot remember) har. sooo friday night rolls around and me and the girls and guys go 2 joey's at 11 30. and low and behold who is there? whoo ha whooo. yeaaah he looked pretty good in his pink dress shirt and glasses. But everybody knows i have a weakness for well dressed men... hoho put em in a tie and good smelling cologne and i prolly wouldn've passed out. hahah sherry was pretty happy. yeah her food was gross and missing stuff but she was still pretty happy. and basically the 6 of us sat at the restaurant and talked about bento c man. hahahah it was great. we all debated upon whether or not he could be gay or not. Today i went 2 work and brian told me that him and sherry were flirting on saturday. OHhohoho. hahah. Its good 2 know that we didn't scare him off, hahaha. Le siiigh. The idea came up once again that my bad luck in relationships could be contagious. (Depending on how much i see someone.) All the examples i can think of involving break ups. When kat and i were still good buddies she had 0 bf's that lasted longer than like 2 weeks, ditto w/ cathy, and iris has never had one. Stephen from work broke up w/ his 6month girlfriend, and couple days ago Eric also broke up with his almost a year girlfriend, and i think Tracy broke up w/ her bf too. However, after i stop being close friends the bad luck rubs off completely. Kat now has like...a steady 2 year boyfriend, and Cathy recen....well last month she met a guy and they seem 2 be hitting it off well..... sigh i dont want to be bad luck relationship girl....poooh.

bento c man

hahaha you know, i realized i have never ever said anything about bento c man in this blog before. hahaha how amazing. Buuuut, bento c man is the goodlooking guy who comes into work pretty much every lunch and has....yup you guessed it. bento c. hahah i only see him once a week because i only work lunch once a week. but today... ohohoh no i saw him today eating ....*dinner* bento. hahahah ....(mumble grumble) but old gramma lady on the phone took so long ordering food that he left. so sad. BUT hohoh my admirer came intoday. hahah naw just kidding. he prolly just likes the food. but, he comes in every sunday and only sunday, when i'm hostessing and orders take out. and now all the sushi chefs know about him and they always comment about him when he comes in. hahah aaah i think its greaaaat. On the other hand my boss keeps like, trying 2 play matchmaker w/ me and the now single sushi chef. hahaha i dunno if he really is or if hes just trying 2 joke around, but he keeps on like. telling me he likes me, and asks us if we're going on dates and stuff.... hahah its very flattering. MAAAN I JUST WANNA.....ERRNNUUUUGH. i went 2 three...THREE dvd/cd stores today trying 2 look for those 2 (or even one) dane cook cd/dvd things. so angary. so i just orderd them off amazon....YES I KNOW I'M TRYING 2 SAVE MOOLAH FOR NYC.... sob sob but i can't help it.... i also wanted 2 buy the oblongs today....and the undergrads. those 2 are my faaaavourite..... le sigh. but i'm going 2 go now, ttyl folks

i'm the yellow tooth dont brush me

hahah i haven't laughed at a joke that hard in a loooong time. So funny. i'm in heart with dane cook. hahahah hes so energetic and his laugh is so cute. hahah say whaaa? its 13 years older than me?? PAH thats not so bad. hahaha but yeah. Maybe HOHO just MAYBE my trip to NYC will happen to coincide with a gig he has. OH YEAAAAAH. hahaha must stop eating toffifee. i went to my friend emily's house to play card games. hahah we played slaps. I think one of my veins popped. I'm wearing that watch that cathy gave me for my birthday to see how long i can last before my hand turnes into a giant hive. (to all those who dont know i'm allergic to certain metals btw) ooooh boy, i was supposed 2 do my econ assignment but IT WAS TO HARD erg i hate schoolio, i wish i could just take drawing/artsy courses everyday. BOY that would be great. Hhahaha but i will drone some more about dane cook. Hahah so he is now the guy that i have a infatuation with. It'll prolly go away after a month but until then. oh boy oh boy i'm going to be like a stalker. tee hee. he's so funny, i couldn't stop laughign at that teeth turn on/off audio one. I get turned on when a girls got nice teeth, like i dont want her to open her mouth and its liek a battle of epic porportions. hahahahah that one makes me laugh when i just think about it. aaaaah. i think i should go to bread now so that i can get up and do my econ hw doodles. PS. it took me like 2 hours to get that dane cook finger banner/button thing up...hahah amazing.....i'm so proud

i want that....

WHY NOT MEEEEE
anyboby recognize that? haha dane cook says that. I've been watching video clips of his for like 5 hours straight. hahaha when hes funny, MAN is he funny. Hes so energetic too. hahah and not to mention bery berry handsome. But alas, hes like....14 years older than me...hahah.... Em....aside from watch dane cook videos all night i didn't really do anything else. I went 2 mandarin class.... then went 2 the bank were i discovered i at a little over a thousand left in my account....hahah thats g-rrrrr-eat. Then i went 2 save ons 2 purchase some brah-cali. and then...who hohooo i went 2 pick up my shoes that came in yesterday. hohoho so happy. I counted all the shoes that i could see today and in the apartment alone, i have 20 pairs..... i'm ashamed.... but at the same time stylin'....yeah baby. There was something important i wanted 2 write in here today. but....i cannot remember. It was probably nothing..... on a different note, the marble slab is now open. OH-hohoh, now my life is complete. Quick access to school, quick access to work, quick acess to a grocery store and buses.....and finally....quick acess to a ice cream parlour. aaaaah. hahaha BUT i think i'm going 2 sleep now. siiigh, i heart you dane cook your so energetic and funny.

absolutely not

is what i'd say if asked do i like being single.
boo-urns. Soooo i'm finishing up my ID project. Kinda worried because i dont think i'm going to get a great mark on it. I mean "I" sure am proud of it especially being my very first assignment and all, but i dont think its like his standard of quality. and the whole presentation thing? oh dear god i think i mighty hyperventilate thinking about it. i mean i'm sure everyone in the class can tell by my shortness of breath and stuttering that i'm super nervous already, no need to re hash the presentation bit. erg arg. still in a jammy dont know what to do to do. I have a mandarin quiz 2morrow. oh boy thats great i just remembered that. after that i think i will go 2 the studio and spray my door handle and then, i'll see if i can figure out whether or not i should put my iso's and sketches on a big piece of mat board. ooooh poop. this is a weird class. arg i dont know how i should present what do to to do? i think i will write out some notes so i hopefully wont blank out in class again....althought i have a feeling that i will like i did last time. aaaanyways. haha did i tell you i think i'm not that ugly anymore? whoo whooo. well actually I dont really think that it just appears that the people seem to be noticing me more than usual. hoh hoh. i'm so happy, it brings a tear to my eye. but really i think it was super brian that rubbed it in. hahaha like i dont think he has said a word 2 me since class started and then, i dunno, maybe it was the scary make up. but yeah, hahaha. its okay though, feels kinda nice to not be the ugly one anymore. arg, i wish i didn't think so hard about the presentation 2morrow now i'm going 2 get super nervous. silly jeff why'd you have 2 give that big schpeel on how important a good presentation is. well i mean i do know that its important but i'm sure everybody does. arg he's prolly just directing it to me because i suck at those. i HATE presentations. All those eyes staring at me. BOO-urns.... MAN i wish contact cement would dry quicker

no more depression

I'm positive there isn't anyone who has read every single entry that i have written to date, so i'm prolly the only one to realise this but. I feel like i've changed alot this year. I say this because i'm pretty sure its true. I just visited my friends blog pages and she has one that she writes in when she feels depressed. And i've read all the entries so far, and they remind me of entries that i used to write in my diaries. I used to feel really worthless and ugly and i used to cry at night time and wonder why i didn't have a better life. I always had thoughts about dying and i'm not proud to admit it but i have small scars on my wrists from certain times when i just wanted to die. I duno what changed in me but i haven't cried in like 8 months. I feel really conceited for saying this but at the same time i'm proud because I think i over came my depression. (if it really was depression.) I dont dwell in the past anymore and i think thats a major kicker if your fighting depression. Dont Dwell in the Past. Whats done is done, and no matter how hard you think about it and what you would have done instead, theres nothing you can do to change the past. Thats what i do now, and honestly i feel a lot better. If i embarass myself so what. Tomorrow is a new day, if you dont think to hard and take it to seriously you wont care about it and it wont bring you down.... hha what a weird entry this one was. But yeah i just realized it and i wanted 2 share. i'm happy i'm not sad anymore : )

NOOO....

i'm 38 minutes to late.... it is no longer halloween..... le sigh. halloween is my favorite day of the year. oh crap, i forgot i have morning classes 2morrow. maybe i should sleep rather than write this blog....nah. so yeah these past few days were pretty fun. fun for sure. i had 2 work all day on my birthday but i got birthday sushi. haha. mm mmm. and then i got pree-sents at home. Tchow gave me a giant john cena doll....it is lying on the ground right next to me as i speak. irish got me some froggy grippy socks and the first thing i did was test those babies out. Yes, i tested out socks. i also got 2 wallets. haha this is what happens when i complain about needing new things. On friday, me and kat went out 2 have lunch, which was nice cuz it was just me and her. and then at night after work me and the ladies (minus cathy) went out and had dinner at joey tomatoes. we managed 2 rack the bill up to 115$$ hahah. On saturday i really wanted 2 go out so i asked tara 2 come clubbing w/ me (which she did, i like clubbing w/ tara more than cathy but shh) we went 2 the ONE on whyte and got the word *kevin* stamped on our hands. haha (dont ask why) I danced w/ a young magician and tara....tara danced w/ a penis. (i htought he was a giant squid.) hahah but it was pretty fun. i seen 2 couples make out. watching that on the internet seems okay, but in real life, i almost threw up a little. hahah. we got stuck in the southside for a good hour and finally got a taxi at like 3 30AM. but it was pretty fun, haha i didn't die, so yeah i'll say it was fun. On sunday i pretty much did nothing. studied a bit, worked on my handles. Then set back my clock an hour. i love sleep. haha. Today i dressed up as the grudge girl and wore a white sheet w/ holes cut out to be a ghost. haha my classmates laughed at me. haha. I dunno if being the grudge girl makes me look prettier or something because a lot of the guys from class talked 2 me today. hahah dunno if that should make me happy or sad. BUT i figured that brian's pretty funny, hahah yeah hes nice. Jeff (classmate jeff) was edward scissorhands. and will...willie....william he was link. i laughed. bronwyn i dont kow what she was but her costume was purdy too. sherry was a witch hahaha she had pretty eyelashes. i was talking 2 quinton today and i was a little creeped out cuz i wasn't sure if he was hitting on me. hahah prolly not but aaaah dunno. i think i'm allergic 2 that white make up that i've been using theset past couple of days....oh so bad. hahah. But 'm going 2 go and take a quick shower then sleep. oh OH ps. jeff...instructor jeff... haha yeah hes married....and has a kid. hahahah the girls didn't believe me. (and they thought i was hearing things) hahaha. welp toodles.