Pikachu I Choose You

But ya'll never choose me :(

I have a crush on Supercrush again. GAH. Happens every year after he breaks up with his girlfriends. It's either that or I like hanging out when it's just him and not a group of people. It's like a date but without the gf/bf strings.

Gah....

I noticed it developing during Victoria Day Long Weekend, when B asked me to go to Canmore with him and his friends. He kinda seemed to watch out for me when I was off my kilter.

Soooooo. During the July 1st Long Weekend I went out with Supercrush and Polish Guy and Polish Guys friend. I ended up being the only girl there that night and.... I dunno, I still act weird around Polish Guy. That's his fault for turning out to be a dick. Anyways I'm kinda dancing doing my own thing sometimes he comes up to dance with me.... but not really..... I dunno. Later on in the night he's getting pretty tipsy. He comes up to actually dance with me when Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss a Thing song comes on. He gives me a big hug and lifts me off the floor. My skirt lifts up.... I flash the entire bar..... Great. I'm kinda Happy, but I know he's just tipsy. Maybe about half an hour later I turn around and I see him making out with a girl on the dance floor.

I quickly look away.

I continue dancing and tell my self. Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.

I see him leave the club holding the hand of a girl.

Brush it off. Brush it off. Brush it off.

I'm kinda sad. Of course. But Polish Guy gets kicked out of the bar and that's the end of the night. Except everyone wants to go eat. B asks if I wanna go and I say sure, him and I walk off to his car and he drives us to All Happy.

I post something on the car ride there to IG/FB:

One Day Someone is Going to Hug You so Hard That All of Your Broken Pieces Will Stick Back Together Again.

We get to All Happy first and grab a table while waiting for everyone to get here B says "I can't believe I didn't get a girl's number tonight. EVERYBODY got a girls number tonight. Did P(olish Guy) get a girl's number?!!!" And I say, he probably did because he made out with a girl. B is ecstatic. Polish guy get's here and B goes "YOOOOOOOO, you made out with a girl ?!!!! NICE !!!" and goes for a fist bump. I'm pretending not to pay attention but I can hear Polish Guy sounds a little uneasy, "....well yeah, but it was nothing, I saw her making out with a lot of guys after". And then he refused to fist bump B. And then maybe like 5 minutes later his other friend goes, "Oh, so and so was there, you like her right, did you get her number?" Again I'm pretending not to pay attention, but I can see him out of the corner of my eye wave his hand like Don't wanna talk about it right now. And he's pretty quiet for the rest of the night.

After we wrap up at All Happy, B goes to give us a ride home. There are 3 big guys and me and I know it is not gonna work if I sit in the front seat of B's 2 door Jeep. So I sit in the back seat with Polish Guy and his friend. Polish guy does not let me sit on the outside even though I tell him I get off first. He pretends to grab my hand.... is kinda chatty. B pulls up to my condo but Polish guy doesn't budge to let me out. So, I do what any normal independent girl will do and I climb out through the middle and over the front seat. Polish Guy laughs and says "I see your buuuuuuuuutt !!!" and I'm pretty embarrassed because I totally forgot how immobile this dress makes me. I just wave bye and Polish Guy shouts back at me "It is a very pretty butt !!!"

And... that kinda cancelled out the bummed out feeling.... Even though G told me I was letting him off the hook for being a whore. :S

Saturday rolls around and B calls me up and asks if I wanna go hang out around Whyte. Sure ! I tell him I accidentally flashed half the bar and P & T yesterday and he say's he's jealous. We walk to Café Mosaics and sit down, when his parents text him and ask if he wants to join for lunch. But we just ordered, so I suggest to get the food from Mosaics to-go and meet his parents at wherever they are. And that is what we do. B pays for my meal and we meet up with his mom and dad at Urban Diner. I really like his parents. They're just so chatty and really fun and easy going. It reminds me of my family before I-don't-know-what happened. His mom keeps bugging him about his dating life and when he's gonna get married. I'm kinda jealous because they are so open. Anyways, his dad pays for the meal, I say thank you and we take off. On the way back to B's car he says "Either my parents really like you, or they really want me to get married." I can feel the crush developing.


That night I go out again. And.... I'm a dummy but I get really dressed up. Dress, Heels, Make up and I put on Long Hair. (In my defense I had just helped B assemble a dozen curtains and didn't have time to shower/do my hair/become ungreasy). B comes to pick me up and says I look really nice. I literally want the Polish Guy to eat his heart out.

But of course, I don't even register on his radar. He looked right past me and didn't even acknowledge me. In fact. He leaves to go to another bar and I don't see him for almost the rest of the night. And I just sit there high as a kite, dumbfounded..... Anyways, B tells me to come dance, so I dance. It's a weird night. I really don't want to go home so B keeps me out. We go to someone else house but the plan fails, he drives me back home and says to me "You look really nice tonight, I'm really surprised nobody hit on you." Crush develops further. Is he just being nice? But so as I'm about to get out of the car Polish guy texts him and wants to keep partying. So. We all go to B's place and watch a movie. High High High. Polish Guy still barely says a word to me. Everyone eventually starts passing out and B tells us all to go home. As we are all leaving I hold the door open for all the guys. (To me, this is a very normal thing for me to do). No big deal, everyone files through...... Except Polish Guy. I'm waiting for him and turn around and he is standing there because he still refuses to let me hold the door open for him. A habit of his since the first time I met him. So he tells me to go first, and I do. I'm about to walk home because I'm just a few blocks away, and they all tell me no... yadda yadda.... so I just catch a ride with them. As I get out of the car and walk up the stairs Polish guy shouts at me.

HEY. Have a good night.

And I say bye.

Such a completely different guy from the day before. I'm kinda bummed :(

Now it's a couple weeks later.

I'm out with J playing Tennis. I get a tag on FB and find out Supercrush got his nose broken while taking his Belt Test. He can't drive his vehicle home because the doctor gave him morphine and wants to see if I'm free to drive him back. I kinda caught the message late and someone else has helped him out so I let time pass. When J and I wrap up I send B a message asking if he wants me to drop off some food to him. He says he already ate but he could go for a coffee. I reply, "I was thinking you were incapacitated and might need food. If you are alright then I might stop over later on, then." He calls me a silly girl. (Which actually I find very endearing!) I'm coming back dwtn when he tells me to hurry up because Polish Guy is on the way down to pick him up. So..... I basically drop all my groceries and extra bags off at home and scoot over in my sweaty work out clothes and shiny face. By the time I get there Polish Guy is already there and invited B and me over to his parent's place for dinner..... I really shoulda just gone home by that time, but I didn't and I tagged along. Polish Guy's mom and grandma are so cute. I'm more jealous that my family isn't like this. I'm beginning to realize maybe my family is the abnormal one..... P's gramma tells him that I'm really pretty (even though I'm in gym clothes and have sweated my eyebrows off). I'm super flattered and feel kinda happy. Everybody knows grandma's don't butter things up !!! Anyways, I was super quiet because it was a lot of new people in an uncomfortable surrounding. All the guys decide to go out again and I do not wish to go because I have no eyebrows (also I just didn't want to go out really). All the boys go to Prive and I just walk home. 'If you guys go to Common, lemme know and I'll come out'. I was actually serious and got semi-ready but by 1:30am I figured they weren't going anymore so I just changed and went to bed.

I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I ruin their 'Boys Nights'. So I think I might stay in a bit more now. It's not like it's that fun anyways. Seeing my 2 crushes hit on girls and sometimes make out with them. I can't drink alcohol and I can't afford food. Why am I doing this anyways ?!!!

And so I return to my original crush, Supercrush. We did originally meet on a dating website. He's the one that reminded me. And he did try to kiss me on his birthday a few years ago. Aaaaaaaah aaaaaaaah I don't know! Sometimes he says things to me that make me like him again.

I've been told I'm a good kisser.

Is that something you tell female friends?

Yesterday I was in Sunday denial. Refused to believe the weekend was over and that I would have to go back to work today. So I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out. He initially said no but then his plans got cancelled and we ended up going to the U to catch Pokémon. (Don't roll your eyes at me!). We walked around for almost 2 hours catching Pokémon. We kinda wandered off the usual path and he said, "This would be a nice place to take someone on a date" and then "Oh, this is where I first kissed Nara." The worst part is, I refuse to DL Pokémon Go so I kept watching over his shoulder/ leaning in really closely to see the screen and it flashed in my mind how awesome it would have been if he just leaned over and kissed me while I was doing that......

ACK !!! I think I'm just over thinking things. I always manage to screw things up !! PBC, UPS Man, Polish Guy. I love having B as a friend, single or not. I dunno what I would do if we stopped being friends....

We went out for dinner after at my suggestion and when the bill came we were gonna split it, but the server forgot and just rang everything on my credit card so I just paid for dinner. I kinda wanted to but wasn't sure, so I just took it as a sign. I think he kinda felt bad after because he mentioned it a few times, but we went for ice cream after and he paid for that.

Oh nooooooooooo. I think I might do something stupid again.

CRAP.

When the Dust Settles

It's a bit calmer than I thought I would be.

That's good I guess.

Mom and Dad are temporarily staying with me because of the fire in Fort McMurray. Thats 3 fire evacuee's that have moved into this 850 sq/foot condo in under a year.

Fire is just not my friend.
Somewhat funny because being burned alive was one of my worst fears as a child.

May was a real whirlwind. I took one week off from the FH before I started my new job. I thought I would get to tidy up the condo and run errands, tie up loose ends and just relax. That didn't happen because my parents ended up coming up.

When I heard they were getting evacuated and saw images of my hometown on fire I felt really weird. It was sentimental. Recognizing landmarks and places and signs and buildings. I was really worried for my parents because they were asked to pick up my cousins and also 2 distant relatives who were non stop complaining the entire drive up to their evacuation site. I remember asking my mom if they had enough fuel, and my mom said yes, but they were running low on food. I remember thinking, I wish they didn't pick up the 2 older people. I just thought how they were eating up the food and probably stressing out my dad. I wished they weren't there.

I watch too many zombie outbreak shows.

Anyways. They made it to one of the oilsand evacuation camps and stayed there a couple days before being flown out to Edmonton.

I remember being really happy and emotional to see them.

And then all the things. All the Things. There were just so many people and things and noises at the condo. I couldn't go into a room without hearing talking, or the tv, or the radio, or my mom complaining or nagging. There was so much stuff everywhere. My mom was hoarding toothpaste and shampoo and deodorant and razors. Stuff that would take even a family months to use. But when I tried to find her clothes or bought her things she would yell. I just wanted a quiet place. Even B and T asked me if I was okay because I just didn't want to talk when I saw them.

But. Things are a lot better now. My mom's helping clean up (what she can) and things have kinda settled down. They new job is really really good too. I like it so far. It's kinda slow and boring sometimes and I know they won't load me up with work because I'm new and a student, yadda yadda yadda, but it's way WAY less stressful than the funeral home. Super ironic, because I thought it would be about the same. The learning curve isn't as steep and there are a lot of people I can ask for help and questions. And the huge bonus is I haven't had any anxiety yet. No jolting awake in cold sweats and racing hearts at 4am.

So yeah, work is good ~

And then there's the Pole. Stupid Polish guy. I hate you. But you smell so GD nice.

I don't remember if I've mentioned anything but B tried to set me up with his Polish friend. There was a big Asshole Incident in January and then the Nice Guy Incident in March, and then then I Have a Crush on You Incident in April, and then the Asshole Incident II in May.

*sigh*

Long story short I thought he was interested in me because he would always come to see me and buy me lunches or dinners and we would go for walks at night time and he wouldn't let me go home. A couple times we went out clubbing and he would hold my hand while I was tipsy, and we re-enacted the scene from Crazy Stupid Love and then I started liking him.

And of course because I started liking him it went downhill from there. Inevitable, right.

He started ignoring me and stopped seeing me. I asked him to come to a club for my friends bday and he ignored me and went to another one instead. I nosedived and cried that night and when I asked B why he did that to me, B replied:

P doesn't want to date you, I think he wants to sleep around.

I felt so sad. This was exactly the opposite of what Polish Guy had said to me. And kinda the reason I liked him. He was a super old fashioned gentleman. At least that's what he told me too. Always held the door for me, offered his hand when I was going down stairs, gave me hugs and woulda kissed my hand had I let him. But, it all sounded like a lie after Asshole Incident II. Why didn't he say something to my face instead of ignoring me? Such a jerk. I ended up texting him a long message couple days later and then he called me and said there was a misunderstanding and he wanted to see me to clear things up. For some reason when I heard that I felt relieved. He was just going to tell me I misunderstood things and buy me an ice cream.

But of course that's not how my life rolls. He told me B conveyed the wrong idea to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to date me, specifically. It was just that he decided he didn't want to date, period. He was too busy and yadda yadda yadda. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I was still pretty 'blah' from my parents being evacuated. He walked me home and kept rubbing my back and telling me to smile and trying to cheer me up, but I just had no emotion. Why am I even surprised this happened, I kept thinking. I should have seen it coming. He even gave me the whole You are so smart and beautiful/I just don't have time to date - schpeel. Even right now, 2 weeks later, I don't know how to take that conversation. Whatever he was trying to say, I took it as I'm not interested in you. I haven't texted him and he hasn't attempted to text me either. I would have been really sad, except a couple days later my parents came out and that really helped distract me. I guess I should say 'Thanks' for catching me.

I did see him this Saturday at The Common though. N was in town and she really wanted to go to Golden Era, and I guess he was there for another friend's bday. He did come up to say Hi to me and said I looked nice, and later on he came over to dance. I still can't get over how good he smells so of course I was a little nervous. But my heart still hurts and I'm still a little mad at him so I was pretty Jerk-ish to him. He left without saying bye to me, so who knows.



If someone wanted to stay in your life, They would make the effort to.

The story of my love life

I should have my own tv show.

A mix of here comes Honey Boo-Boo and The Bachelorette.

:S

So. B tried to set me up with a friend of his.
Kinda.

Since school started I haven't really gone out much. I'll blame work and school, and also I'm old and I hate going out with large groups of people. I've gone out a handful of times with B and once we bumped into a new group of friends of his at Steel Wheels. Didn't really think much.

The next time it was B's Birthday and T and I met up with him at El Cortez. All his new friends were there, and specifically one of the really tall, Caucasian guys, who I met last time was being really chatty with me. He kept asking me to dance and hanging around. Asked to take a selfie with me.... etc etc. I thought he was really cute..... Anyways closer to the end of the night he asked for my number so he could send me the photo he took. And, I gave it to him.

Well. actually I texted him on the spot because thats how I always trade numbers.

I saw him get it, and he never replied. No big deal, he was right in front of me.

And this this other random Asian guy swooped right in and was like Ooh, trading numbers! So... he got my number too.

I had to leave early because I worked the next day, and really only came out because it was B's birthday. Tall guy gives me a little frowny face and says bye. End of the night.

I kinda thought he was going to text me but nothing every happened. His Asian friend, on the other hand started texting me non stop, to the point where I stopped replying. I wasn't really interested in him, and to be honest hadn't really talked to him at all.

Anyways.... so fast forward to a couple weeks. I ask B if he wants to go skating, because he had brought it up. Sure! A few days before he tells me that he is bringing a date. So then, I'm all like, aw FUCK. How annoying, I just wanna skate with my friends, not be a third flipping wheel. So I called J, up to see if she would come with me. Problem solved. Skating night comes, and B calls me up and tells me Tall Guy is going to be coming too...... Oh.... Great. Now this is going to be super awkward because I asked J, to come. But also, I didn't really realize B was trying to set up a double date. So, I get picked up and everyone is in the car. We all realize TG doesn't have skates....... and I ask J if there are rentals, and she says no..... So... what is the solo guy with no skates gonna do at the skating ring? We get there and there really are no skates. I say, what should we do and TG keeps saying to just go-go-go don't worry about him. I ask B if we can go somewhere else with rentals, he doesn't really want to go. I say I don't really want to go skating if we all can't go..... TG just says go-go-go and B goes.... I don't really know what to do and J is waiting for me and the guy disappears so...... I go. We skate for about 45 minutes and I don't see him anywhere. Literally has disappeared. It starts getting late and B wants to go and eat. I don't. I want to go home. So I leave with J. TG calls B and he has somehow made it to whyte/Steel Wheels. He went out to look for skates. I tell B to say bye to him. And we split up.

Later that night, I text the guy. 'Bring skates, next time!!!" I say ! He replies "I will! I hope you aren't mad at me and you had a good time." I reply back "B was going to rent too, but ended up buying some last minute" And then... he stopped replying. I dunno. I guess maybe I was mad, but I was more mad at B doing this unexpectedly last minute.

So.... he didn't reply. A week later B and I went skating at the Leg grounds. While walking there he said to me "So.... you're not interested in P are you?" And I sigh "He think's I'm a bitch doesn't he?". B replies "Probably" And then I get a little upset.

Wait what.... He thinks I'm not interested in Him?!!! How about try the other way around? I texted him and I tried to figure something out so he could come skating too, and he never replied back to me..... How am I the bitch? Then B goes on to tell me he went on a date with his other friend and they are in mad like. I feel really sad...... What am I doing wrong again? Like... I thought I was trying, and I come across as a bitch? I felt really really sad......

And I fell into a slump for a couple weeks. Retribution for ignoring the Asian guy, probably......

But, so the guy is seeing someone else, and apparently having the time of his life, I hear. Leave it, what am I gonna do.

Fast forward again to last Friday. B calls me up and asks if I want to see a movie. Yeah, its Friday and its not super late, I'll be home early and not be grumpy. Cool Sure I'll go. I make it to ECC and B remembers he actually can't catch a movie because he had other plans. Eeeeeeeh, thats fine I had to go to the bank anyways. So we just walk around and are about to leave when B gets a call. I'm listening an it is TG. He's actually a couple blocks away, so.... we go to meet him......

Great, I think. This is gonna be awkward. We meet up and at least he is with another friend, showing him around the city. We just walk around, and then it turns into a little adventure of showing the guy around the city. We end up going for a small bite to eat, and its actually not that bad. I'm chattier than usual and he's still pretty friendly towards me as well.... Okay, I guess it isn't so awkward. And then... midway through the meal everyone starts talking about how great it is to be single.... (Huh... I thought he was seeing someone). But he looks at me and says we're all single!!! and High Fives me..... Oh okay.... And then when the bill comes he grabs it and pays for everyone.....Something about not letting a girl pay.... I try and put in some money, but B ends up taking the cash and paying by credit card.... I must have gotten confused by this, because I didn't even thank the guy and said thanks to B. We go back to B's place and chat. B brings up that he'll drop me off at home before they head out to the bar and the guy gives me a little frowny face again. I do actually end up going out to the bar later because a bunch of people I know show up. TG does chat with me randomly throughout the night and says he is very happy to see me smiling. It made me kinda happy and reminded me of that saying to frown less, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

At like 12 they decide to go sing karaoke and I say I have to bail because I have assignments and work tomorrow. TG walks up to me and says why and I SWEAR he looked into the depths of my soul. I say I have to work tomorrow and smile and say it was nice to see you again. He kinda just turns on his heel and walks away.

I go home. Do my Homework. Go to Bed.

No text :(

2 days later... On Tuesday.... I realize that I never said thank you to him for paying for dinner. That I said thanks to B and B said your welcome and I thought that was that.

I debate whether or not I should text him because he hasn't exactly cared about replying back.

So I don't. But then. I go out for dinner with T and B and tell him. And they say, YOU CAN STILL SAY THANK YOU!!!!.

So, idiot fucking me texts him when I get home and I say 'I realized I didn't say thank you for buying dinner on Friday, I got confused and said thanks to B instead. Sorry!!'

And?

No reply. B thinks he's just being nice.

Fuck you Fortune Cookie, you are ruining my life.

The Science of Forgiveness

https://youtu.be/8o9_TlZyB_Y

I've read articles and quotes about forgiveness so many times.

I know holding a grudge against someone only ruins my life. So why do I hold so much anger towards someone? It's slowly killing me.

I hate feeling sad. I hate how I look. And I hate how I come across to other people.
I want to be happy and I want to smile, and be friendly and likeable.

But.

It's not that easy. It is true. You can't just tell someone to 'Be Happy, Already'. It's not just a switch I can turn on or off.

And it's hard. I feel like Brendan and Tony are getting frustrated or annoyed with me. I feel like they don't understand what goes through my head. That I constantly feel like a failure and that nothing I do is good enough. That I'm not doing this on purpose. That I am trying. That I try really hard to snap out of slumps, but it feels like I'm trying to dig myself out of tar, that keeps pulling me back.

It's so hard.

I want to forgive.

And I want to forget everything that hurts.

And I don't know how.

Even when I try, I still fuck up

I feel sad again.

Brendan tried setting me up with one of his friends. I tried. I tried to do everything that I could.

And he thought I wasn't interested. In fact, I think Brendan said he thought I was a snob.

I don't know what else I was supposed to have done. I texted him first. Twice. He didn't seem interested in me.

What am I doing wrong.

Why do I always fuck up.

Thoughts that Should Never Cross a Woman's Mind

Original Article found here:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/cassandra-davis/2015/01/6-thoughts-that-should-never-cross-a-womans-mind/

2. It doesn’t matter anyway. We weren’t exclusive.

All right. Hold up. Everything matters when two people express their feelings for each other. He deserves all the hatred and wrath because you deserve better. You deserve the romantic walks at midnight to look at the stars, phone calls, flowers, anniversaries, and in the end, the joy of trust. If he broke your trust and your heart, that’s all that matters.

Everything Matters.... 

It wasn't just a one sided game I was playing or trying to delude myself that I was over-reacting. It mattered because Andrew implied he liked me as well and made an effort to show it. It did matter what he did in the end because it was immature and cowardly for leading me on and I guess I do have a justifiable reason to feel hurt.

I believed him.

I had a dream

A silly dream. 

I dreamt Andrew and I were still seeing each other and about to go watch a movie. I told him I had trouble trusting him and he got mad and walked away from me. 

In dream life and real life I'm not sure if I should have apologized or not and felt bad. 

I keep asking myself what was the trigger that caused Andrew to turn away from me. I'm sure overthinking is somewhere there..... but I think he had something to do with that too. I used to be really confident and happy and friendly. I like to think a lot of people would describe me as that. It was only after I started seeing you again and that last week where I started going downhill again. I don't want to completely blame you, but I think we just weren't a great match. I feed on optimism and caring and attention. I just never got that from you. I thought I tried really hard this time, and I did. The times I did slip I think were justifiable. The first time we fooled around and immediately after you didn't message me for an entire day, compared to dozens of messages a day. What would any self conscious girl like myself think? I don't know why Andrew, I liked you and I wanted to trust you, but I just couldn't convince myself. I never even added you back to my contact list after we started talking and I never told anybody I was seeing someone. I just didn't want you to become something permanent in case I had to erase you again. All your messages just came up as Unknown.

Maybe I did know.

I did try harder this time. And I think you did too. So maybe you were telling me the truth that you got back together with your girlfriend. But.... I think my reaction after you told me says something as well. I sent you a message telling you I was really going to hurt. You didn't respond back. And that was it. I deleted all of our messages and knew I just didn't want to talk to you anymore. I thought I wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to me but it really shouldn't matter. I didn't want to talk to you anymore either and that's what matters most to me. That I was tired of this game, and somehow not surprised. I didn't want to fight for someone like you. I wanted the happiness that you brought me when I saw you and when we talked but.... I didn't want the pain that came with it. The small amounts of happiness you gave me just weren't worth the sadness.

I haven't dated a lot of people, but you are genuinely the only other one that would send me on a rollercoaster of emotions. The only one that caused me to doubt myself and my intentions. I know its my fault too for being so insecure.... but.... someone who cares about you should never make your insecurities grow. And.... I think realizing that is important. Doubts grow when you give them a reason to and you're lack of interest and respect for me was a big reason.

Things I Did for You

I keep thinking I did everything wrong. That I was a horrible person to Andrew and all I did was complain. But I didn't, right? I did a lot of nice things for him. I just forget.

I said sorry for asking him to leave me alone.

I told him I liked talking to him.

I gave him 2 pairs of suspenders that I had made.

I told him he had a nice butt.

I told him he had a nice body.

I told him I liked him better than donuts.

I bought him ice cream.

I gave him cookies.

I gave him pineapple cake.

I said thank you when he brought me tea.

I said thank you when he walked me home.

I sometimes told him he was sweet

I always wanted to see him.

He knew I liked him.

I sometimes said Good Morning and Good Night.

I replied back within reasonable amounts of time.

I asked about him.

I wanted to know what he liked

I wanted to know what didn't like.

When I thought he was struggling I tried to help him.

When he told me he was getting back with his girlfriend I didn't get mad at him.

I didn't tell him he should have chosen me.

I just told him that he made me hurt.

And I just told him to grow up and treat her better.

I just wanted him to be happy.

I just wanted him to like me.

I just wanted to see him because it made me happy.

I had trouble giving you handshakes. I told you so many times that I had problems. I guess it was my fault for thinking you could accommodate me. For thinking you would understand me. I thought you were an introvert, and maybe you were, but it doesn't mean you and I were the same. I could open up to you sexually and you the same, but that was all. Both of us couldn't go any further than that. I want to think you are broken too, just like me.

But I can't depend on that. 

I just need to know that I tried, and I was a good person. Someone will like me for exactly who I am one day. And they won't make me feel bad for being broken. 

I miss the idea of someone

I miss the idea of Andrew.

I keep thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I keep looking at my phone hoping he will text me. I keep thinking of all the things he and I did together. I keep wondering if he thought I was a bother and that's why he wanted to erase me out of his life.

I miss feeling like someone thought about me. I wish Andrew stayed.

I keep on having roller coaster emotions. In daylight and when I'm around people I'm okay, I feel like Andrew was a jerk and I see all the immature things he did. But when it gets dark and I get home and I try and study I think of him and I wish I could message him and wish he would say sorry and come over and give me a hug.

I wish he chose me.

Even though I think I knew it wasn't right. I felt really nervous around him all the time. But I just wanted him to like me. We never really talked about anything else except for sex. I wish he would start deeper conversations with me about philosophy and hopes and dreams and aspirations. I wished he would have asked me to look at the stars at night and hold my hand and want to go for a walk. But he never asked me much about myself. I always wanted to learn about him and hoped that he would teach me things he knew. But.... it just never happened.

It wasn't meant to be, C. Stop being sad. Stop missing Andrew. He was never good for you.

Texts from your Ex

Just kidding.


I had a dream that Andrew apologized.

D:

Anti-Epiphany

I had an anti-epiphany in Business Law Class today. Epiphanies usually strike people at random moments and enlighten them. I called this one an anti-epiphany because it did everything except instead of enlighten it took me a step backwards.

I was sitting in class and I asked Tony, 'Why did Andrew block me on IG? I didn't do anything wrong.....' And Tony and a few other people said he probably had something to hide, or was trying to hide me from someone else. And then I thought. Hide me? From who? And then I thought some more.

Was I the other girl?

Did Andrew cheat on his girlfriend with me?

His last message to me said he was amending things with his girlfriend he didn't say ex....

And I sat in class in a daze and just thought about every time I saw him or every time he came over or every text he sent me. I thought they were all lies.

It was pretty bad. I don't remember a single thing the instructor said and I remember my eyes watering. Near the end of class I got upset at Tony and told him to stop telling me these things. And then I felt stupid because I  had asked Tony, he didn't volunteer this info to me and was only telling me because I wanted to know why. I pretty much triggered the antiphany (HAH!). I messaged Iris right away and asked her to meet up after class otherwise I thought I would be a real mess. And actually I scheduled a hair appointment right after class too. I just thought it would cheer me up, and all girls always seem to do this (fresh look on yourself and on life?).

I will be honest the simple act of getting a hair cut really did help. Something about hair stylists, they know how to chat with you and make you feel important and smart. And of course they make you physically look better too. So that entire hour was a nice break. (Gabby, you were right I totally needed to treat myself). Then I tried to meet up with Iris but it was seriously just a series of unfortunate mishaps and we ended up just missing each other and not going out at all. When I got home I sadly started thinking again. (I gotta get on top of this because it is a MAJOR problem for me). So while I was still in class I started thinking of Andrew was lying to me all the time. By the end of class I had to try and snap out of it and I just said to myself  'Just believe him for once.' Because if I believed what he said I would be happier too. And that he really did like spending time with me and just not think about the fact that he blocked me on IG. He did it for his own reason that I will never find out. But.... sadly it still wasn't enough. I got home and wanted to look at his Facebook. I wanted to look at his IG. I actually considered unblocking him quickly to see what he had recently said, or even logging into someone else's FB to look for him.

THANK GOD I said don't fucking do that or you'll really be a crazy bitch.

So... I just looked up his name on Google (still somewhat creepy, I knooooooow). He had taken down his old dating profile, but there was a new book list profile up. Oh Gawd, I'm a huge creep for going so far.... but I looked at his profile. And looked at all the books he wanted to read, or had read...... And... they were kind of synonymous with some of the stories he had told me..... And so... I felt a little better. Maybe not everything was a lie.

So... I feel better right now. I made dinner for brother and I and I did a little Christmas shopping, and also finally made an inquiry on looking into a tattoo cover-up that I've been thinking about for a couple months. I also volunteered on campus next week

I guess I have some things on my plate again to keep me busy for the next little while.

Please wish me some luck and that I'll get over Andrew soon, its only been 3 days.... geezus.

Domo Arigato

I feel like Robot-o

I had to take some sleeping pills yesterday so I wouldn't overthink and so I could just sleep. I'm learning how they worked and took one early on and then the another one right before I went to bed. I figured staggering them would prolong the deep sleep rather then taking them all at once.

It seemed to work. I slept through my school alarm clock and didn't go to school. I got up at noon and am now eating something.

A bunch of people think I am taking this too hard, and to them I probably am. But the feelings and pain that go through my heart and body are 100 % true.

I will miss Andrew, for however long it takes to miss him and be okay again. Even though I can still doubt that everything he said to me was a lie, I will miss everything that I saw him as.

I saw him as the boy that made me smile for the 2 months that we started talking again. The boy that forgave me for asking him to leave him alone. The boy that I was able to open up my heart to. The boy that I willingly gave free suspenders to just because. The boy that walked me home from work. The boy that brought me tea. And the boy that pulled on my scarf to give me a kiss.

I will miss him, and that's why I hurt.

I was going to delve into the entire last conversation that him and I had, but I think its best if I don't. Immediately after I read his text that he had chosen his ex over me, I replied that I had no arguments for him because I have no history compared to someone he must have once loved and to grow up and treat her better this time, I sat on the floor in a kind of disbelief. A real big shock. It's funny because I had sent the first text to him while coming back from the studio, and I had received it while leaving the grocery store, and when I went to read it my phone died. Was someone watching over me making sure I could read it in a private area? While I was waiting for my phone to charge and unload the groceries I remembered reading the first sentence and it said 'I feel like I haven't been able to talk to you about this because it is a crisis that involves you......' And at first I was thinking what could it mean? Is he thinking of moving? Well.. that sucks but I mean I'm not going to stop him. And then my phone turned on and when I put away my last bag of vegetables I stopped and thought....... No.... He Got Back with Someone Else. I walked over to the phone and read his message and I remember being a little prepared.

Nothing prepares you more for things than the past. I did my usuall and cast my net of help and messaged everyone that I knew so I wouldn't have to do this alone....... Many messages and tears later, Brendan was the last person to call me. He told me that I had become really self centered lately. That I was constantly talking about myself and my problems and he asked me if I realized my texts include the word 'I' a lot. And I paused.

I paused because I knew what he was talking about.

If I really wanted to, I think I could go back to my earlier posts about Andrew and I had made a comment about that. That I remember looking over the angry texts I had sent to Andrew and there were at least a dozen 'I's' there. I did notice that whenever I talked to Dave and Andrew I seemed to say 'I' a lot. And at that time I remember wondering if I was being too selfish..... But I forgot to work on that nd I didn't realize that that habit was coming into conversation with my friends. And so Brendan and I had a long talk about that. I asked him when it started, and he said he noticed it last summer. I told him I don't know how to have a conversation without the word 'I' in it, and he said 'Well, you just ask someone how they are doing, then'. And then I felt a little bad. Because I knew it was true that I had become quite self centered. And I could think of all the times I turned conversations towards myself. I did this, this one time I did that, I can do this, If you ask me I would etc, etc, etc.

Something else we talked about was lessons I learned from my dating escapades. Even though all my memories of my past boyfriends, hook-ups or whatevers may have been good at the time, they are all painful memories now and I try and forget them as soon as possible. Brendan was surprised because he said he has good memories with exes, and that I was odd. But... I told him, I've taken each relationship as a lesson. And I never would have taken back a single one of them, because I would have had to learn what I learned, some other way.
Breaking up with Dave taught me to group up, and to realize there are more people that care about you than the person you are dating. I started appreciating my parents and family more and realized how bad I had been treating them because I only wanted to spend time with Dave.
Getting jolted by Curtis after SanFrancisco was exactly what I needed to get over Dave. It took me a long long time to finally decide to put myself out in the shark tank. I got hit really really hard with this one. Curtis was the text book defnition of a FuckBoy. And we messed around, he got what he wanted and ignored me the very next day. I was so shocked and I wasn't expecting that and had a really bad breakdown and remember crying on Nomin's couch. But I realized how low I had fallen. That I was just so lonely I was resorting to anyone that would keep me company, but he really did help me get over Dave. Jeff was a funny story. The entire time when Jeff and I bumped into each other I always said to myself. I dont want to date. I don't want to be vulnerable again and I don't want to get hurt. But Jeff kept at it, he kept making me feel happy and happy and more and more confident about myself. Even if he didn't mean to I think it was slowly building up my confidence level, even though he totally shot me down and I cried for a day (wait I dont think I did) Gabby and Travis both told me they were proud of me for getting the balls to ask him out.
And finaly Andrew. Andrew came into my life after Curtis, but before Jeff. If I want to look on the positive side, Andrew made me realize a lot of things about myself. Although Curtis was the one who told me 'Expectations Ruin Things', Andrew was the one who I finally got me to understand the saying. The first time we talked I was still expecting things to work the way my relationship with Dave worked. I text, Dave responds back immediately. Dave was infatuated with me in the beginning. He couldn't stop talking to me, or about me and always wanted to see me. That's what I wanted from Andrew, or rather what I expected from Andrew. But he wasn't Dave and he didn't do those things. So I ended up hurting myself. I told Andrew to leave me alone. I told him that he didn't have enough time that I was looking for. That was it and he really did leave me a lone
For almost a year I thought about him. I blocked him on everything except Instagram. (Really stupid move now that I think about it because I should have blocked him on everything if I was serious). Sometimes he liked my pics and I would think about him. No Corinna, you weren't wrong. He was rude.

NO!!
NO.
No.
No...
no.....
no.......
was I being unreasonable........

and I messaged him right after the fall out with Jeff. I messaged him because I was lonely, I felt sad, and Andrew had always listed to my whining and said sorry and put up with me.

I messaged him because I did miss him.  And I said Sorry for what I did before.

Even though it was for a short period of time, every time I saw Andrew or he would text me, I would feel a happiness I haven't felt in a long time.

Before he stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything (oh the irony) he told me that during the year we didn't talk he always thought about me and wondered what I was doing, and liked listening to my stories and learning things, but in the end he decided to go with the familiar and the known and he chose his ex instead of me.

I hurt a lot because I will wonder what she did that made him happier, but I told him he needed to group up and to treat her better this time.

Goodbye, Andrew.

I'll Take You're And Idiot for $1000, Alex

The answer to all last post's questions are simply this:

He was getting back together with his ex.

Oh, yes of course, what else could it have been. Silly me.

Of course I hurt. I'm going to hurt for the next few weeks.... maybe a month. I know what will happen. I'm just not looking forward to when it happens.

I'm like a teenage white girl drama queen

Wow, wow, wow.

Who woulda every thought that I would use that phrase to describe myself.

I shouldn't deny it because its true.

I hooked up with Weird Awkward Guy.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Who am I and what am I doing.

So, the day after the end of UPS Man, I was really upset that he played me like that. (Even if you all say he was just being friendly). I was still in disbelief and... so I did was any normal white girl would do and I messaged a boy that the last words I ever said were "I don't want to talk to you anymore".


The entire year and a half I thought about him. I thought that maybe I was being too selfish and expected too much from him. I was comparing him to Dave, and when he didn't do things I wanted or expected, I got mad. I thought it was my fault and I was being immature. He put up with all my whining and complaining, he said sorry to me all the time. So it was my fault and I messaged him first.

Why are Boys Mean. Why Can't They Just Be Nice and Not Lie.

He replied back and we've been talking since.

Well. Since Wednesday anyways.

Everything was going really good. We were talking every day. I actually saw him in person several times and sometimes he would bring me tea. I thought everything was going good. He was sweet most of the time and answered all my nosy questions. He was pretty busy though and usually 1 out of 3 times I asked him to hang out, he would have some other commitment, but I thought that was normal. And then we fooled around. And then a week later we had sex. But he still talked to me after that. I thought everything was going really good. He said he wanted to hang out with me last week before going on a family trip to Canmore for the weekend. But our schedules didn't match so we never met up. He said he wanted me to take him to eat Chinese Food when he got back.

But when he got back he was a huge jerk. He started doing the whole no need to reply to me thing. It was a huge change. I didn't get a good morning or good night anymore. It took him several hours to reply back to me and his reply was non conversation starting. I was feeling pretty dejected again. I didn't want to bug him too much, maybe he was busy or tired. So I just waited. One or two messages on Monday. A small conversation on Tuesday and one message on Wednesday.

So I asked him. Why the lack of messages suddenly? You used to message me numerous times a day?

No reply.

And then it passed midnight so I knew he had read it and went to bed.

I was mad. Really really mad. What the fuck is wrong with you, I thought. Seriously, what is your problem and why do you think this is a game? And then I remembered that's what had pushed me over the top last year. His sudden development of I'm an Asshole Syndrome. It totally happened last year too and I remember him being cocky and 'oh well' attitude. I was so mad. If your busy you don't have to reply right away, I get it, but have the fucking decency to reply before you go to bed you Asshole. I wish SO HARD that he would get a taste of his own medicine.

And so, I sent a message and called him a huge Jerk, and that if he wasn't interested he could have the decency to take 10 flipping seconds out of his super important life to let me know and to please don't play games with me.

And of course. No Reply.

Someone tell me that I'm not being to demanding and that he's being a jerk.

I have no idea what is going on between us. Did I hook backup with another Fuck Boy? Geezus Christ. I DON'T GET IT !!
I genuinely thought he was interested in me.......but the more time that passes the more I'm starting to think he just wanted sex?

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh I dunno, What an Asshole !!!!

Why did I start talking to him again. You're a fucking idiot, C.

Update:

I talked to anybody and everybody that I could talk to yesterday that wouldn't think I was bat-shit crazy. The last person I talked to was my studiomate and confidant, G. It's funny because everytime I talk to her about a boy she always shakes her head and laughs at me. (Just like I shake my head and laugh at N). She most likely does this because she thinks I'm making a big deal over nothing. And at first I was kinda upset. I don't think she understood how flipping Ironic this turned out to be. How from day 1 to Saturday, as time passed, the scales tipped and the outcome unfolded. I just thought it was "Hilarious" like a mean game hilarious.

The one thing though, that G said to me that initially I was really hurt by was:

You Missed Your Chance.

That's all that happened, C. He probably did like you. He liked you enough to ask you out for coffee. Twice. In a guys rule book. Twice is enough. You don't ask again. My defense was I didn't say no. But I guess it doesn't matter. He asked you out and you brushed it off. But he still had to see you almost every day. So what else was he supposed to do? He could still be friendly (and maybe flirty) because he had to see you every day.

So..... that's it. Maybe he actually was single or maybe he really was just ridiculously friendly. But you know what. It doesn't matter anymore.

The only thing I feel right now is I feel stupid for asking him out because his reply was so ..... so ..... disgusting, now that I think about it. I have a girlfriend..... and thanks, you're sweet. Here comes the hate, Hahahaha. No matter what actually happened I will still think he was messing around with me towards the end.
He didn't have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He didn't have a girlfriend and was interested.
He did have a girlfriend and wasn't interested.
He did have a girlfriend and was interested.

I gotta stop dissecting this. It's just sad to me no matter what.

But I'll be okay. This one hurts way less.

Still in awe

So here's the story that resulted in the worst possible outcome I could imagine.

On Friday. I didn't have class or work. I had the whole day off and no plans. So I was just gonna loaf around the entire day.

But then the chain reaction started.

I decided I was going to go donate blood. So I got ready and heading over to the clinic. On the way down to catch the train I bumped into brother F. Wow. Kinda random. I've never bumped into my brother before even though we live and work quite close. So anyways I get to the Donor Clinic and get my veins on. They work! Horray! I sit and eat soup for who knows how long. Get up and leave and while waiting for the train to go back. I bump into brother T. Whoa. Now that is really weird. 2 brothers in the same day. It kinda spooked me and I was thinking what else was gonna happen today !
Anways, I eventually get on the train to go to Londonderry. More specifically to McDonalds because I was on the prowl for the last Hello Kitty Toy. I get off the train and JUST miss the bus. DANG, now I gotta wait 15 mintues for the next bus. Oh well whatever. So time dwaddles on and I get to Londonderry. McDonalds does not have the toy I am looking for so I book it outta there. I'm leaving Londonderry and I see my bus coming. I'm not going to make it, its a red light.

OH FUCK IT.

And I ran. And of course I caught the bus and made it to the train station in record timing. As I'm on the train heading back downtown I see some Golden Arches right before I pull into Stadium Station.
So.
I decide to get off.
I get off and walk to the McDonalds and there is a new Hello Kitty Toy there !!!
Excitedly I walk back and I hear the train coming.
I book it again but this time I don't catch the train. So. I'm sitting there waiting. With my bags and my Happy Meal, and I'm deciding how to get to gramma's next. I could get off at Central Station and catch the bus on Jasper because there are more busses there. Or I could get off at Churchill and wait for the one bus that comes there. The train comes and I get on. Still can't decide. Finally I figure getting off at Churchill will be faster. So I get off.

But.
Instead of walking to the bus stop to catch the bus.
I decide to walk to my grandparent's place instead

And during that walk, which so many decisions and timings and missed busses lead me to,

I bumped into UPS man.

I walked almost right past him because I didn't recognize him. I took out an earphone in case he wanted to chat, and I heard him motion to his friends to go on ahead and he would catch up.

And we chatted for a bit.
He asked why I wasn't at work and I told him I didn't work anymore. That I was back in school.
He laughed and said, "You quit because I stopped showing up right!"
And I panicked and laughed and said maybe.
He told me they had just finished some hearing at the ASA building about demolishing some historical buildings, yadda yadda. We talked about his broken hip. And then that was it.

He left and I left the other way

I thought. Holy Shit. How did that just happen. That After 3 months of not seeing UPS man I bump into him here. And I was really kick ass happy. It was a really good day. I went and saw my grandparents and had my happy meal and then went to the studio and started sewing the yellow ranger hoodie. It really was a good day!

It really was a good day

It was a good day if it had ended there and I never woke up again.
But of course I did.
And I woke up with the idea that I should ask UPS man out. All that stuff happened for a reason (I will eventually get to that reason).
So. I decided I was going to ask UPS man to the mid Autumn Lantern Festival.
I got to work and opened up Facebook and started to get shaky hand syndrome. Heart was racing like I did when the UPS van pulled up but it was only fake UPS man.
12pm rolls around and I compose a simple message:

Hey.....uhm.... do you wanna go to a mid-autumn lantern festival tonight?

It took me an hour to hit send.
Someone stop me from doing this. Someone stop me from doing this. Kept repeating in my head.
But nobody stopped me and I sent it.
The self help book that Dave had given me after our break up told me. If you are having trouble making a decision or deciding what to do, ask yourself. 'What is the worse thing that can happen, and will you be able to accept that?'
And I said.... Well.... the worst thing that could happen is he would say he's already got plans, or worst worst case No, I'm not Interested" And... I would be sad for a little bit but I would get better.
So I sent it.

Jeff's reply was:
Hey I would like to but I've got daughters ....... and a girlfriend
Thanks tho. You're a real sweet girl Corinna


....... No C, you were wrong. That is the worst thing that could have happened.

He has a fucking girlfriend?!!!
I could not stop saying WOW for a good 10 minutes yesterday.
HE HAS A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND

Is this a normal fucking thing to do? For a guy to seemingly flirt almost every time he sees her, tell her she looks nice, or tell her dress is nice, or find out her name and address or pull over in the middle of Jasper and stop and give her candy? But have a girlfriend in the back pocket?

Shit C, he's just really really friendly.

Well FUCK YOU friendly. You can go be friendly to someone else.

Well.
It turns out UPS man not only had kids but he also has a girlfriend.
I'm passed shocked.
That really would have explained the whole divine intervention thing earlier.
Jesus Christ.

I Fucked Up

I Fucked Up, You Guys. 

I shouldn't have messages UPS Man. I'm can feel myself slipping into the sadness again. 

He didn't message me back and I feel absolutely horrible. I few stupid and I'm constantly wondering why. I thought he wanted to get to know me. He always said nice things to me when I saw him at work. So what happened? Did he think I was a loser? Did he think I was immature? I feel sad and stupid. 

I feel sad that he would judge me based on my Facebook life and he didn't even try to get to know me. 

I feel immensely sad. Sad and stupid all over again.  I'm not supposed to let those kind of guys get to me anymore. If they aren't willing to invest time in me, then they aren't worth my time either. 

But I feel sad and can't stop thinking. He must think I'm a huge loser. 

What a meanie. 

Shit

shit. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiit.

The anxiety is coming back.
I woke up the last 2 days with a semi-racing heart and the same panick-y feeling. At work yesterday and right now I'm feeling the same nervousness. Hands are kinda sorta trembling.

Ugh.

So much is happening next month. So much change.
I can't tell if it's the thought of going back to school. I'm excited to go back, but at the same time terrified. Investing 2 years to learn something and what if I'm right back where I started. Back at a job where I'm stressed and hating and constantly felt like I'm undervalued. What If I go to class and don't understand a thing they are talking about. What if I thought I was interested in Law but I'm not. What if I've made a wrong decision and waste the next 2 years of my life?
Or maybe I'm getting antsy because G is moving out. She got laid off from her 3rd job and has developed really bad Tendonitis and is calling it quits on her line. She originally wanted to move out at the end of August which totally caught me off guard. I went home and started crying because I didn't think it was very fair but I didn't know what to say to her. That meant I had less than a week to sort out my own studio and find a place or a new studiomate. But thankfully our caretaker told us we had to give him 30 days notice (which I had completely forgotten about because I was so caught off guard by G's announcement)
Then there's also the stress of trying to find a new place for my studio and staying within my budget. Originally when G and I spoke about moving out I would have just moved everything back to the condo. But with T losing his condo and moving all his stuff in with me that's not an option anymore. I couldn't afford our current studio with G moving out and there seemed to be no other studio spaces available for rent. Everyone told me to look for a new studiomate, but I really don't want to do that. I just feel uncomfortable having to start to learn about someone all over again. I'll miss G a lot and she was genuinely the one person that was there for me during the entire time I was depressed. I don't think she knew it but it helped me get out just knowing someone would be at the studio. It was like my own personal psychiatrist and someone to unload on. I'll miss that a lot
And maybe.... or most likely its because.... I added UPS man on FB. Every since that stupid day he gave me that MF-ing piece of candy I've been thinking about him. I wanted to ask him out but of course he stopped flipping showing up at work. An entire month has passed and its just been some other UPS guy showing up. My last day of work today and he was still MIA. So I did what any other idiot would do. I added him. And I messaged him. I sat in front of the computer for like an hour persuading myself it would be okay. And I think maybe its not. It's kind of really awkward. I dunno. I keep thinking I fucked up. He has kids, he's older we seem to have nothing in common. Maybe he thinks I'm immature or too young, or too stupid. He just seems far from interested.
I'm sure I fucked up. I just thought maybe this time it'll be different. I hoped that this time it'll be different. That I wouldn't fuck things up.

Crap. I'm just over thinking things so so much. How do I stop? How do I stop freaking my self out and panicking and wondering and worrying about shit I cannot change. I try and preach so hard to let things be. And yet I can't keep up with my own words.

If things aren't meant to be. Don't force them. And don't be sad.

Please try and remember this, your life seriously depends on it.