words you say have never hurt me so much

mr d. once asked me before what i didn't like a members of the opposite sex. I told him i couldn't think of anything really, except i didn't like it when men were too girly. I actually discovered something else i dont like about men. I dont like it when they say they'll come back.... and they dont. It sounds like such a minute thing, but because its happened to me so often, it really makes me sad when it happens again. Especially when guys that i 'cared' about do it. The first time i can recal this happening was w/ my stalker-ex M. I specifically took a day off from work because it was his only day off and i wanted to spend time w/ him. We went over 2 his place to watch a movie. And within like 20 mintues of getting there, he got a phone call. And when he hung up he told me that he had completely forgotten that he promised his friend hed go to their place 2 have dinner. So he was like, i'll be back soon okay! And so basically he left me at his place, stranded w/ nothing to do.... For 4 hours. i waited like a fool.
The 2nd time this happened to me was with my heartbreaker C. i probably could've loved you. You were the guy that i knew for the longest amount of time, and the only guy who i really felt comfortable talking to. I loved him and i hated him. We had deep conversations and he picked me up when i was depressed. But at the same time, he used to disappear for long periods of times. Like i'd talk to him one day, and then it'd be a few months before i talked to him again. Just when i thought we really started getting somewhere he told me he had to go. The last words he ever said to me on msn were "I'll talk to you tomorrow" .... and he never did.
It just pains me a lot, cuz guys i care about lie to me. And that they dont think i'm worth coming back for. Its a real punch in the stomache when i think about it. So yeah, it really hurt Mr. D when we were talking last last time and you said *brb* And you went offline and didn't come back. It actually didn't bother me till today. You didn't leave me a offline msg, a txt msg, an email reply or voice msg. You just basically disappeared like everyone else. It felt exactly like M&C. I also think.... that you really arent' that interested in me. When we first met you used to send me at least an email a day. And now... its been like a week+. I told you once, and if i ever see you i'll tell you again. if you dont like me, just tell me. I'd rather find out sooner, than later and before i've fallen for you. It makes me sad too because he reminds me a lot like C. a little bit TOO much. He says the right things, and he makes me laugh and feel good about myself. But at the same time, i worry about him cuz i know craig was a player too....

if lifes gonna suck, why live it?

I'd really like an answer to that question sometime. Feel free to help me out whenever you can God. Its just really depressing to know that sometimes I feel like i have no one to talk to, no one to go to, and no one to cry too. I had a really nice time today at the Chinese New Year Banquet. I laughed lots and smiled more cuz I was with a bunch of friends. Its something that I haven't done in a really long time. So yeah it was nice. And then my fucking brothers went and ruined my day. I got a ride to T's place to pick up some stuff and change shoes. And because it started to get cold (and late) I called up my brothers to come pick me up. And they were like *tsk wehre are you* and i was like *it wont take that long cuz i'm not that far* and he was like *fuck, your 2 blocks away WALK HOME* and i got so angry. WHO the fuck tells their baby sister to walk home in the middle of the night, in the cold, in a skirt??? I fucking cried while walking home. ugh it makes me SO angry cuz they always ruin my days. I think i've lost weight, and i know i'm losing sleep. I wore my cheungsam that i wore for grad 4 years ago. And it used to be really snug. I put it on today and i could pinch like a few inches of excess material around the waist. Ugh. i go to bed so late, cuz its the only time i can study and get homework done. And then my brother wake me up at like 6AM with his alarm that he refuses to turn off till an hour later. And THEN after his shower he turns on ALL the lights in the room and makes all this noise. Its really depressing. And to top things off, i my brothers are serious inconsiderate fucks. I sacrifice so much for them, and i get absolutely nothing in return. I'm positive that my health is deteriorating because of them. I hate seeing my family unhappy. So that was the main reason why i gave my 2nd brother my room. He was sleeping on the couch for the longest time. And it made me really upset cuz he did that.... even though the most fucking easiest and logical thing for him to do would've been to share a room w/ my older brother. Because basically, both of them go to bed early, and both of them get up at the same time... so no one would be disturbing anyone. And both are heavy sleepers anyways. But whatever, so i gave my brother his own room. And instead of being grateful and happy. That little fuck, he just moved in, and i practically never see him anymore. He comes home, and goes into his room, until dinner, where he eats dinner in his room. I can go a week w/o saying a single word 2 him. It makes me so angry cuz hes so fucking stuck up and full of himself. Like hes too good to come and have supper w/ us. ARG. i just dont understand how i can be related to those jerks sometimes. And like.... what makes me really depressed is that I have no one to talk too when i really need someone. I lost my cell couple days ago. So i lost all my friends contact numbers. And my internet isn't working so i can't get ahold of any of them except I. It just bothers me a lot, cuz a lot of times when i'm angry i dont want to be at home, cuz i dont have any privacy anymore. But i dont have anyone/where to go too. Since I & C moved away i just feel really lonely a lot. And... i dunno why, but even when i do have like... jess out here or something, even still i have trouble voicing my saddness. Its like... i dont want to make others worry about me either, and like.... shes my brothers cousin too, so what is she supposed 2 say about them? Aaaah, but at the same time i know its bad that i keep it all bottled up. Anyways i gotta go now. I walked to the cybercafe btw, cuz our internet is not working and i didn't want to be at home...

arg the stress factor

hey baby cakes. I think i'm going to die tomrrow. You guys have no idea how stupidly stressful today was. I called my mom and i actually cried. Really sad. all for such stupid reasons. Its weird how one can not feel stressed out but yet really be stressed out. I didnt feel stressed at all. Till i got home and started realizing. and then i started swearing like a pirate. Ugh So pissed off. I lost my fricken cell phone. I took it to work. put it on the hostess stand. went away to do some take outs and 20 mintues later it was gone. FUCKING GONE. argh. I thought maybe i misplaced it so i looked pretty much everywhere. Including the garbage cans. AAAgh. so angry. It just makes me equally angry because i wasn't supposed to work tdoay. but i did. And it was a fucking joke. It was slower than a monday. I wasted an evening i could've been using to study for a cheesy 5 buck tip. aaagh. if i DIDN'T go to work i wouldve NOT lost my cell, and i wouldn't have been so grumpy and stressed from lack of sleep and studying. I'm actually seriously worried about my FS midterm 2morrow. I have no idea what shes going to put on it. aaaaagh paranoia. I dont think i'm gonna be able 2 fall asleep tonight either. arg. stupid stupid stupid.
......j-just.... one........more....d-d--day.....

My confession

...and this is going to be the email where you discover i'm a paranoid freak.

I really was hoping youd come online to talk these past few days cuz i really wanted to get something off my chest. It's actually been a really stressfull week this coming week and the start of last week cuz of classes and work and midterms and all. So I was really happy when me and you started talking cuz you made me really happy. And then... ugh i dont even wanna say it. But like. I started thinking.... possibly too much for my own good.
....I've been hurt a lot, really bad in all my relationships. the last guy that i seriously fell for was kinda like you, and we met on the internet to. And like, at the peak of our 'relationship' he just up and disappeared. I haven't talked to him or heard a word from him for 2 years. So yeah, all that and more has just made me a paranoid girl. It sucks and I cant help it. I've been really worried these past few days that you might do that too, or that you aren't really who you say you are. I feel like a fucking jerk for even having that thought but its what happens when you've been lied to and disappointed so many times. You start to second guess every good thing that happens in life. I'm a simple little girl, but when i like someone i fall fast, and i fall hard for them, which makes it that much difficutl when i find out all along i meant nothing to them.
...i'm sure this is exactly NOT the email that you wanted to read when you wake up. But yeah. this is me. I know you've said this to me before, so maybe its my turn to say it to you. After you read this email, and you get creeped out and dont want to talk to me anymore thats fine. I'd really rather it happen sooner than later. thanks.
Corinna.

uuunnng help me....

....i dont know what i'm doing right now.... you guys are gonna be the first ones to hear this.... its something that I haven't told any of my friends yet. But.... i met a guy....on the internet. And i think that we really get along and hit it off well. I really like him, and its really creepy but me and him have *a lot* in common. Its kinda creepy sometimes. Well, the first few days that we started talking I started to get that same floaty feeling that i used to get when i talked to.... you know who. It was really exciting haha i have to admint. But then.... ugh its so bad, i dunno if its my 6th sense kicking in, or if i'm just and idiot and worrying too much. But i'm starting to get a little bit worried. Ugh, like i dunno if hes really who he says he is or if all the stories he tells me is true. Or if hes the type of guy I think he is. Its really bothering me. At times i really really really want to talk to him, and then hes never online. And this is the first guy who i actually want to meet and actually want to call. He called me today but i missed his call. And when i went to call him back like 30 mintues later... his phone busy.... Uhhh its bothering me so much, I dont want to fall for someone again and find out hes fake. And I'm also wondering what type of person he is. I originally thought he was like... well different than the type of person I might think he is now. I'm worrying that hes another *henry*. But at the same time, the other part of me pulls little clues that tells me he can't be like henry. ARG its bothering me so much. Like his emails say one thing but i'm reading them a different way. Like.... he told me hes a really shy person, but at the same time, he called me pretty much right after he got my number. I dunno about you but shy people I know dont call girls right away. Fuck i dont call people i like until like i'm really confident about them. And then second of all, he keeps on asking me for pictures of myself.... it makes me uncomfortable cuz he asks for them almost *evertime* we talk. At first I was worried cuz I thought he might think i didn't look like my display pic, so i went on web cam for a bit. But after that he still kept on asking me for pictures. But THEN....after saying all that theres also another part of me that says hes not really as interested in me as I think he is. And that maybe hes like... doing this to other girls at the same time too. Like.... for a girl hes really interested in, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me that much. I've only talked to him online *once* for a good amount of time. And today, he came online for like 2 seconds and said, hi, then he went away. Fuck, you figure if your really interested in someone you'd stay to chat for at least a little bit more. And.... he doesn't reply to emails as often as one would figure....UUUGH FUCK, i wish i wasn't so fucking paranoid. It makes me so angry, because i think that i'm just seriously thinking way to much. And then he's really just a busy guy. and i'm gonna feel like a fucking jerk when i find out that he really is just as he says.
Fuck But i just can't shake that feeling..... uuuuuugh why does this always happen to me.... some one throw me a fucking bone, i seriously need some clarity....

I am a Sexual Predator....Oohohooo...

I'm laughing like Strongbad does in this one episode where I forget what happens and what he does.... but yes i'm still laughign like him. Hahaha. Had an excellent start to an week.... yes indeed. At least so far i'm lead to believe it will be an excellent start. But for all I know it could turn out to be really bad. which i hope it doesn't. Um... i'm starting to have faith in my tarot reading card skills! haha either that or i'm just getting easily believable people. I still need the book for every card, but the readings (as people tell me/ i find out) are creepily accurate. HOHOHO.
Um... i dunno if i mentioned before but i might be going to China in the summer... I'm kinda bittersweet about it. Like i want to go, but no one else i know will be going, and Its ALOT of moolah. and when i come back i have to pay another 5thou out my ass for tuition. Not to mention its gonna be harsh these next few months before may having so save up all this cash. I wanted to buy some new glasses and some other stuff, but all that good stuff's gonna be put on hold if i go... And ALSO i'll be missing jess' grad. And i also wanted to go to BC for a few weeks to visit iris and cathy. Arrrrg, so far all the negatives are outweighing the positives. the positives mainly being, my parents want me to go, i kinda want to go, and its supposed 2 be really cheap, considering what i get out of it, and also... once in a lifetime opportunity here. aaaarg. So yeah. its really bothering me right now. To go or not to go, that is the question.
Ugh... but aside from that, ....tee hee... naw i dont think i'll say it I'll jinx it. So i'll just keep it a little secret between me and myself for now okey! Super hard to though!! hahaha Okay gotta go now before i miss enough sleep and decide i'm elegible to miss class 2morrow.... again. Hahah bye bye

oh internet oh internet

whatever shall i do without you!!!
Soooo... my internet has been down for the past 2 weeks.... or rather more specifically, someone else is stealing the internet signal that we've been stealing.... those JERKS. haha. Well, i'm thinking that a lot of new stuff has been happening but for the life of me I can't remember the important stuff. The new Southside Kyoto opened up and Jason moved over there, so I dont have to be creeped out at work so often anymore. Hahah i'm a jerk. But like usual, after losing one creepy guy, i've gained another. Hahah i just attract em' i tell ya. Oh right, I might be going to China come May! I really want to go cuz a lot of people are telling me i should go, and also its probably like a once in a life time opportunity. If i go i'll be going w/ 21 other classmates and 2 instructors to ZheJiang University in China for 2 months. One of the main reasons that i dont know if i should go or not is that moolah is really.... REALLY tight. its such short notice cuz i thought the trip was NEXT year rather than... in 4 months. I'm supposed 2 come up w/ 5grand by the end of this month. And like, the thing is i have 2thou in my account right now, and my parents said they'll pay whatever else is left and i can pay them back when i come back. But when i come back it'll be July, and i'll have 2 months left to make another ~5thousand for Fall/Winter Tuition. And THEN, theres also the problem of spending money when if i go to China.... aaarg, right now everythings pointing to go-go, but if i 'really' think about it, its probably a bad idea.... aaaaaaah help mee jeeebus!!!!

Dreaming of NY again.

Hey, ya'll. I'm really travel-sick for New York again. I seriously thought for a while it was going to be a fad, that would go away and never come back. But oh was i wrong. I keep on thinking of all the places that I went to in NY and how I really really REALLY want to go back. I want to go back to Times Square and shop till midnight. I want to go eat at those 2 delicious Japanese restaurants. I want to go back to the Metropolitan Museum because it was my favorite and I loved it. I want to go back to Canal Street and Chinatown and that super sparkly accessory store. I want to go back to Sephora and H&M. I want to go back to Pearl River Mart. I want to go clothes shopping, and I want to go and have dinners at fancy restaraunts with all my friends and then retreat to our closet sized dorms. Oh NEW YORK. Theres something that reminds me of you every day. The other day at work a customer left a mini day-planner/notebook. And it was slow and i'm an incredible snoop so i looked through it. And what did i find? Street Addresses in New York. Sad thing is i recognized them. Lexington ave. 34th East and 5th Street. Oh how i daydream. I really really want to go to NY maybe next year after I graduate w/ Jess and Iris and Ling. I'd ask Cathy too but as I discovered when i went 5 people is a hard number to travel in. 5 people dont fit in a cab, and its hard to find a room for 5 people too. OH i'm the opposite of homesick. I want to buy so much stuff... so much stuff.... *sob sob* Where is my tough (but soft) good looking, good smelling, tall, well dressed, night in shining armor who goes to NY on a regular basis..... high standards?? who says I have high standards

i really never knew....

...and probably will continue to never know. But anyways. I've got a new admirer! Hahah this happens quite NOT often. But anyways. He was talking to me yesterday and we got on the topic of girlfriends and boyfriends. And it was discovered that both of us have neither. And when he found out I was single he said *wow really i didn't know, because you were kinda giving off the i'm-not-interested "signs"*.... SAY WHA?? "SIGNS"??? What signs are we talking about? I had absolutely no idea i emitted these such signs. Maybe thats how come i've been single so long. Hoy jeebus. I hope someone helps me take down these signs cuz i shure dont want super gangster man to see them. Hahaha... hum... i'm a nerd. But yeah I thought that was super shocking to hear, especial from a guys POV. I'll try and take note. Jess just told me that i'm too introverted (she also told me that it meant i keep to myself, cuz my vocabulary is horrible). I guess that could be true. I never really noticed, but I guess i do keep my guard up really high when meeting new people. That probably has to do w/ the horrible experiences I've had in the past. And also that when i think a guy is flirting w/ me, I re-think and figure that I'm thinking too much. And that... i guess if i found out he was just being nice to me I'd be sad cuz i shoulda known he wasn't interested.... ugh... it hurts mama....

prophesizing the future??

.... is possibly my new calling ;) Hahaha if all else fails. I dug out my tarot cards last week and started reading my fortune a lot. And i know that the cards are supposed 2 be really generic so they could hold true to anyone, but I think my readings have been creepily true (on a good day that is). For starters I keep on drawing a lot of cards from the cups suit. And i never knew this the very first time but apparently if there are a lot of 'cup' cards in your reading it means that there is a lot to do with the feelings of the heart. And personally I believe that is true cuz I always have like... unreturned feelings/ dissapointment in love life. yadda yadda. Hahah. Um... what else. Oh right, my readings, everytime i do them, always are negative. Its quite depressing too. Like my cards are almost always upside down and they say things like... i've been taken advantage of, Im a lonely person, etc, etc. Last week it said that I was going to meet a guy who isn't very energetic and doesn't enjoy going out/doing activities. (so devastated). And then at work I was did Jason, Yvonne, and Henry's reading. Jason's said that he would advance in work/ come into more money, and that he was going to meet a girl who he might settle down w/. (When i read that, and remembered what my reading was i was SHOCKED). And then I read Yvonne's and it said... soemthing like she was going to meet a tall dark and handsome guy who was energetic and enjoyed going out. (SAY WHAAA???) Haha and then i read Henry's and it said that he is a wealthy family man, and he will be coming into MORE money. Henry and Jason's part about the money is pretty true from my POV since jason is getting promoted to head chef at the new southside location. But what happened next i was NOT expecting. I went 2 work yesterday and the chefs/servers were making fun of jason cuz he was GOING ON A DATE!! holy shit do I rock or what? hahah Apparently him and the new hostess were taking a liking to each other. I told jason that his fortune came true and he said *well i was expecting that to happen in like a few years, not 2 days* I laughed. hahaha. So lady's and gents a secret admirer of mine is shall no longer be admiring me. Hah hah... yeah it was a little bit dis-heartening, but at the same time, Why Should I Care? I mean its not like I liked him right. And also if I did, i had a lot of chances. YARG i dont even know why i'm writing this blog, since I have a feeling that it sounds kinda jealous. harr...which i'm NOT.

saw David Copperfield today

I went to see David Copperfield today w/ my family. I believe it was our very first family outting with all 5 of us. I'm a little upset to offer a sigh for the day. I was a little bit....dissapointed.... It made me sad cuz I think its because i'm getting old. I remember when I was little I used to watch David Copperfield w/ a passion and I loved his magic tricks. I was seriously amazed when I saw him on tv. Today.... i dunno why I kept on thinking about how it was fixed and how he chose specific audience members. It was really sad. All the really amazing stuff about how he got like.... the car underneath the cover so incredibly fast, or made things appear/disappear. I shoulda been amazed at that stuff but... i dunno. I just kept on thinking about the technical stuff and how, i knew it wasn't really magic and that it was just clever tricks. Arg really depressing. I wanted to see a lot more of his.... really magical tricks. Like flying or something. A lot of his stuff today was done w/ the help of machines and videos, so I thought it really took it away. I kept on saying that the audience members must've been in on it, because that was the only way. And I thought a lot of the dialouge exchange seemed so staged. Arg I'm such a critic I dont know whats happened to me. However, the very last trick that he did, I thought was going to make me believe again. DC started throwing out these giant blowup balls and said whoever was holding one when the music stopped would get to go on stage. And seriously when Felix caught that rubber ball i was like *holy shit, this is gonna be amazing, this is totally going to put my doubts away if he makes felix disappear* But alas. All they made felix do was sit in a chair and watch the OTHER people disappear. quite depressing. i dont want to be old... sob sob

But on another note. I remembered something from watching Memoirs of a Geisha the other day. Even considering that it had your typical *cinderella-like* story line. There was one line that i really liked. The old Chiyo narrator said something like "Now anyone was calling themselves a Geisha" I dunno why but that line really stuck in my head. When i was lying in bed that night I kept on thinking of that and why i made note of it. I just think that... something like a true Geisha is an art. And if you think being a Geisha means wearing pretty kimono's and make up, you cant seriously understand what a real Geisha is. If I was the real life Sayuri I would be SO angry seeing these young adolescent girls walking around practically mocking something that meant so much to me. I mean, how many years of training did it take Chiyo and all those other girls to become even a miko. And then here in the exact same place they grew up were tons of girls walking around pretending to be Geisha's and having absolutely no clue what it meant to be a Geisha. Arg. Just thinkging about it makes me kinda angry. I mean, not just the art of Geisha, but a lot of other things that people do too. Good things take time to learn and I guess maybe it kind of annoys me at how people are always trying 2 find faster ways to get it. The only example i can think of right now is those, 'get-rich scheme's' or these tv degrees, that say you can get a good degree in 4 months in the comfort of your own home. Its kinda disgusting. Why can't you be like everyone else and work hard for 4 years. Its disgusting seeing someone flaunt something off that they haven't properly earned. I think the equivilant of that currently is the word poseur. (spell check) In high school I think i might've been one, and i feel kinda ashamed. As of now I dont 'think' I'm one anymore, but I'm not sure. If I am someone please tell me.

Singing in the Rain.

I'm still taking a film studies class, but this one doesn't require a film journal. Even so, I liked writing those journals so i think i'll continue w/ it.

Singing in the Rain.
Ho hum, we watched 'Singing in the Rain' on Thursday, and i actually really really liked that movie. If i had actually written this post on Thursday I would've been able 2 comment a lot more on it. I really liked the Cosmo character (Donald O'Connor). I thought he was funny and cute. I pretty much liked everything about that movie. It had a good storyline, good characters, good dancing. haha the dancing comment could have to do w/ the fact that i just started watching *so you think you can dance* and am especially paying attention to dance rountines and footwork now. Yahahah. I can't remember what else i liked about that movie..... Oh i know that i thought Lina Limore* was super annoying. *I caan't staaaand 'em* hahaha

i've been on a movie binge this week. I watched The Covenant, Snakes on a Plane, The Constant Gardener, and Memoirs of a Geisha. The last one is the only one i watched through its entirety and therefore is the only one i would like to comment on.

Memoirs of a Geisha
I thought this movie was also equallly good. I really liked this movie too. I thought i read somewhere that Memoirs didn't get good ratings, but i thought it was really good. I remember reading that people felt the english and dialouges were really bad, but personally i thought they were really well done. I like hearing japanese/chinese people speak english with their accents. (Grammatically correct English that is) I liked the story line too. Hahah typical Cinderella/happy ending story. Me love those. Sigh.... so pretty. Hahah, i'm listening 2 music right now, along w/ talking 2 people on msn which is why these journal entries suck. haha so non descriptive.

anyways. I went 2 work this past friday and saturday. And this is the week were no one came. Hahah. I was doing tarot card readings at work on friday and i was pretty on. It was fun. I like readint ppls fortunes and hearing them say *hey thats pretty good* YEAH rock on. Maybe i should make a profession as a tarot card reader. ;) anyums I gotta go 2 bed now so i can wake up 2 work 2morrow. Buh bye

getting old is depressing

never thought i'd say that. but its true. So so depressing. This is they year were i have discovered i am old. hahah....*sigh* For xmas i only had 5 presents this year.... I rememeber when me and my brothers were little and the xmas tree was swamped by presents. haha i'm greedy. any hoo. 1 of my presents wasn't even wrapped, and 1 of them i already knew what it was. So the 1st present i opened was a bottle of mans cologne. (or really bad women's perfume) and the second one was a baby blue Nike sweater. if any of you know me you'll know that i dont wear baby blue, nor do i wear nike. (i asked my mom if she wanted the perfume and the sweater. haha i'm a jerk) And then i was done opening my presents. so sad. Hhaha well it wasn't THAT bad, my brothers chipped in and got me a DS Lite and mario 64. So that was good. I played mario for at least 12 hours on the 26th. Hahah, its quite sad.
And then, do you nkow what i did on new years eve after the count down? I went over to yee sum's place and played ds w/ alex grace and jess. Hahaha oh boy. i recall i even said *boy i'm tired,* at 11:45 PM. hahaha im a disgrace to 21 year olds everywhere. but speaking of ds i think i'm going to go up and play some. i sense mario is feeling lonely. MWA HWA HWA

an arm and a leg...

...is what i'd give for this kakashi plushie. Its selling on ebay for like 45USD. So ladies and gents, xmas passed already. I hate to say it, but christmas is getting more and more depressing each year.... present-wise that is. Hahaha. how sad, i'm all about the presents baby. I opened my first 2 presents and they consisted of a perfume (which i still believe is a man's cologne), and a baby blue nike sweater (if you've seen what i wear you'll know i dont wear baby blue). Haha i asked my mom if she wanted either. And after those 2 presents I was already 3/4 done. le sigh. Hahah my parents got me a chinese translator machine thing. Supposed 2 be pretty high tech, but i haven't figured out how to use it yet. My brothers got me a nintendo DS. which i told them was my favorite present of the. yahoo. Hahah i've been playing mario 64 nonstop for the past 2 days and I've got 40 stars already. I remember when i was like 10 and playing the original mario 64 it took me 2 months to get 40 stars. Hahah so sad. Any ways i should probably go to sleep. Or actually i plan on sitting in bed and playing mario till the battery dies. Mwa ha ha.

never again.

even though there was over 100 people at kyoto's staff party today, i have never felt so alone in my entire life. It was so awkward, and i just sat by the hostess stand eating dinner. I had like 1/4 of what i couldve eaten because i was depressed. I almost cried when my servers asked me where my brothers were. I'm positive that i was the only one who was there by themselves. Its absolutely impossible that one couldn't have found at least one friend to bring with them, UNLESS you are corinna. My brothers decided they had better things to do than give face and come w/ me to my staff party. they decided that they would much rather clean the toilet than come w/ me. pretty disgusting that they were my last hope eh? I dont think anyone has any clue as to how much this meant to me. In elementary, and high school and university i didn't have that many friends. and the ones that i had i loved being with. I love all my friends and family and i'm happy when everyone is happy and together. I love spending time w/ them and i dont really like being alone. So imagine if you will how it would feel to have your closest friends move away. Yeah so i thought i got over it, and i figured it wasn't so bad. But today it was really hard. It just made me realize how little friends i have when i couldn't find anyone to go with. And when my brothers didn't want to go and instead stayed at home doing something they could do any other day, imagine how i felt. It was that horrible feeling all over again of being alone. Thats all i could think of even though i was surrounded my so many people. so naturally i cried. i cried to work, i cried from work. i cried after work in the tub. pretty sad because i went to soak in the tub and when i lay down i cut myself on a mother fucking piece of glass IN THE TUB. but in reality it wasn't that bad cuz i was already bleeding anyways from my own self inflicted injuries. it worries me though cuz last time i did this i dont remember their being any blood, and this time (it couldve just been cuz i was in the tub and wet) it actually started dripping a little. so yeah it appears my life is actually getting worse, and not better as i previously though. little bit worried what might happen if there is a next time. this is so sad. it just fucking SUCKS that i dont have anymore close friends out here. I seriously couldve used one tonight. i wouldve loved to have someone to TALK TO during dinner tonight, and if not that i would've loved to have a friend's place to go to after the party. I didnt want to come home to this stupid apartment where my brothers are completely fucking oblivious to how much pain i'm in. i serioiusly dont understand sometimes how i'm even related to them. fuck i shoulve just rented a hotel like i originally thought and stayed there for the night. I coulda fucking cut myself as much as i wanted there and at least i wouldn't feel bad about no one worrying because i'm actually fucking alone.

hey

so yeah, my pretty good day today just turned really bad in an hour. all because my brothers are jerks. so christmas day is coming up and kyoto is having their yearly staff party. and this is the first year where i'll actually be able to go cuz i'm in town. each person is supposed 2 be allowed to bring 2 people. however my brothers are jerks and they wont come w/ me. and all my friends are out of town. rather my only friends are out of town. so no one will go with me. i started crying in the car today because i was really sad. its such a stupid thing but it means a lot to me. like, i was never popular in school and i always had very few friends and i always felt that people didn't like me and that they thought i was weird. after i got my job at kyoto i started to open up a bit. but also at the same time i always still feel this barrier between me and my workmates because i dont open up completely and i still sit by myselves sometimes. Like all the servers and chefs see each other outside of work at least once a week to have dinner or shopping or something, so they're pretty close. and like, i just dont want to go to a staff party and have dinner by myself. and i'll feel really awkward joining another family while they're trying 2 have dinner. and i think if i go i might risk even crying because i'll be reminded of how isolated and lonely i am. like honestly, how could one person not have a single friend thats in town that they can take? and worse of all is that my two brothers, 2 ppl who are supposed 2 be closer than friends won't even come with me. that makes me really really sad. like are they ashamed of me or something, i dont see whats the problem with taking 2 hours out of their *busy* life to have free dinner with their sister. it makes me so angry and sad. so i think i'm going to leave before dinner 2morrow, because i really dont want to be there by myself, otherwise i seriously might just sit in a corner and cry. ugh, God, why do you chose to make my life so miserable, and even though i know others have it a LOT worse than not having a dinner date, could you at least stop making me think so hard? if i was a vane, uncaring person then i really wouldn't care about this crap would i? i just think its really unfair how life really isn't equal, and what goes around certainly does NOT come around.
so yes, i'm going to go and take some of the pressure off this hurting feeling i got inside me by doing some you know what *wink wink nudge nudge*

Batmaru

Hello everyone, This is Batman Mashimaru. I bought him today at T&T. hohoho. I'm sad now because there was a Spiderman Mashimaru, Superman Mashimaru, and Ultraman Mashimaru i didn't buy them. After i got home today i felt that Batmaru was a bit sad from being seperated from his fellow superhero-maru's. If i have time i will go back to WEM and buy the rest of them. HOHOHO. but what makes Batmaru EXTREMELY special is that the lady UNDERCHARGED ME for him!!!! (yes that requires FOUR exclamation marks) i'm pretty sure i remember the price tag being 9.99. But after i paid and left the store i looked at the receipt and seen 5.98! I quickened my pace after so she couldn't chase me. MWA HAHAA. haha yes that is my exciting news for the day today.
I've been scheduled to work like a horse this week. Its crazy. I'm working all day 2morrow (friday. aka the death dealing day). Sigh. My only motivation is that I seriously need money to pay for the 1000$ i've spent on xmas gifts. sob sob. Haha. and here i am still buying useless mashi's. Oh i seen a guy at work today who i thought looked like one of my classmates who i used to have a uber crush on. haha. I seen him a couple times and every time i see him i always think the same thing. But yeaaah. Thats all for now. I should prolly sleep now and prepare for the long day ahead of me 2morrolow.
PS walmart is supposidly open 24 hours this week ;) See Ya all there tomorrow!

Today is the week were they didn't have a secret rendevous

So, proof of how Barley, Ben and Bob are in cahoots. Last week and the week prior too I saw all 3 of them (well i guess minus Ben because i think he only comes in on saturdays) And this ENTIRE WEEK. I saw....'neither of them'.... dun Dun DUUUUN. Hahah which is a good thing i guess. Because i looked pretty bad. Last week i guess from all the stress and cleaning I looked like i should've been quarrantined.... seriously. My lip bloated up and started bleeding, my ear got infected, my nose was all stuffy, my eyes were kinda red, and i had breakouts gallore (most noticeably the giant pimple on my nose) Dear Lord it was quite sad. So whoever pays attention to this blog, should know that i moved out of my room and am currently sharing a different one w/ my brother. I'd just like to note how 'extremely' hard it is to fall asleep in that room. Its so f'ing hot in there. Also, my brother likes to turn on his super bright lamp when i am sleeping, or trying to sleep, and i therefore do not fall asleep. He also likes to play his new PSP hooked up to his speakers when i am sleeping or trying to sleep and i also therefore do not sleep. le sigh. So i had maybe like 3-4 hours of sleep last night before getting up this morning at 10 to go 2 work till 9. *sob sob*

But aside from that my mom came back from HK. Whoo-HA-whoo. I was trying 2 study in the living room for my mandarin final and she kept on empyting out her suitcase showing me everything that she bought. She actually put clothes on top of my notes and said *LOOK A MOY!!!!* Hahah, my mom bought me a lot of stuff. I feel kinda bad.... but at the same time i dont because i'm a greedy bastard. OHOHOH. But also at the same time, i am too fat to wear all the cool clothes she bought me from HK. The skirts she bought me are too short cuz my hips are to big, and the hoody she bought me....well lets just say HK ppl have f' ing short arms. The hoody looks like a 3/4 sleeve when i wear it, and then i just feel like an idiot wearing it because i know its not supposed 2 be 3/4 sleeve. Sigh, i'll try and change the sleeves during xmas break or something. But anyhoo, i gotta go 2 bread now, so i can fall asleep before my brother goes 2 sleep, and also so that i can wake up early 2morrow and study for my 2 exams that i have on tuesday.... Oooooh shoot me now!!

With my powers of super stalking....

....i was able to discover Barleys real name! However.... i extremely embarassed myself today. and yes i know that sentence is grammatically incorrect. So anyways. Barley and his lady friend came in today. And we only had table 4 open so i took them there. And aside from 'hi' and 'table for 2', he hasn't really said anything to me before. So i was extremely surprised when he noticed that i wasn't wearing contacts today and said soemthing like "Of all the times i've seen you, i dont think i've ever seen you wear glasses." and he smiled at me. And because i was in extreme shock from the that only thing i managed to do was so 'squeak' out a sighed *aaaaw*. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea why i said that. And after i said that i put down their menus and ran away. hahah GREAT impression Corinna. Great. le sigh. Of all the things i could have said. I could have laughed a witty laugh, said 'i dont wear them often', made a joke about being lazy, ANYTHING but squeaked out that sound. SIIIIGH hahah i seriously am living a the life of a cheezy teen flick aren't i. But yeah. barley is pretty, and i honestly think he has an azn fetish. All of his lady friends are all azn. Wee-yad. BUT change of pace here.

I dont think i've actually commented on volume 10 of Trigun Maximum yet. But, it was extremely good, and EXTREMELY sad. i read it the same amout of times as vol. 9, and i think i like 10 more. Vash made a much appreciated appearance. Oh poor vash...OH POOR WOLFWOOD. *sob sob* But, from what i believe I think Livio will make and excellent....new partner for Vash. Le sob. I know there was a longer more intriguing entry for this but i am extremely tired, and my vision is starting to shake. I got demoted in living accomodations today. Hahah, from my own suggestion, but i moved out of my room, and am now sharing a room w/ my big brother so that my 2nd brother will stop being a jerk and sleeping on the couch. Sooo sacrificed some of my privacy so my brother could get his back. But ah whatever. I guess it was worth it, I haven't seen Tchow smile that many times in a long time, so i guess its all good. Hahah. But on the other hand our place looks like its been hit by a tornado....

Doo dee doo, I seen Barley tonight!

Ho hum. Today was the official last day of classes. I was so excited because I would finally get the night off, and I was looking forward to taking an extra long nap. Alas I had a feeling that this would not be the case. For at 3 30 my workmate called me and asked me to work for her. Annnd since i no longer had class 2 attend, I had no excuse. So I went to work. And made some much needed money. As will happen tomorrow as well after i got suckered into working all day. Sigh.... BUT on the plus side i seen Barley today. Him and his supah gangsta buddies. Hohoho. I tried to avoid standing suspiciously at the hostess stand as he waited for his buddies to pay. So i went and cleaned every table possible. And even after that he was STILL standing there waiting for his lady friend to pay. So i waited in the kitchen for the longest time ever. And came back out. And he was STILL there. So i went and stood by the hostess stand for several awkward mintues having nothing to do. hahaha. Yes. that is my story. La Fin. I dont nkow why i'm avoiding that guy either.... weeeird. Wlep i gotta go sleep now so i can spend my whole day making money.... sigh.