never again.

even though there was over 100 people at kyoto's staff party today, i have never felt so alone in my entire life. It was so awkward, and i just sat by the hostess stand eating dinner. I had like 1/4 of what i couldve eaten because i was depressed. I almost cried when my servers asked me where my brothers were. I'm positive that i was the only one who was there by themselves. Its absolutely impossible that one couldn't have found at least one friend to bring with them, UNLESS you are corinna. My brothers decided they had better things to do than give face and come w/ me to my staff party. they decided that they would much rather clean the toilet than come w/ me. pretty disgusting that they were my last hope eh? I dont think anyone has any clue as to how much this meant to me. In elementary, and high school and university i didn't have that many friends. and the ones that i had i loved being with. I love all my friends and family and i'm happy when everyone is happy and together. I love spending time w/ them and i dont really like being alone. So imagine if you will how it would feel to have your closest friends move away. Yeah so i thought i got over it, and i figured it wasn't so bad. But today it was really hard. It just made me realize how little friends i have when i couldn't find anyone to go with. And when my brothers didn't want to go and instead stayed at home doing something they could do any other day, imagine how i felt. It was that horrible feeling all over again of being alone. Thats all i could think of even though i was surrounded my so many people. so naturally i cried. i cried to work, i cried from work. i cried after work in the tub. pretty sad because i went to soak in the tub and when i lay down i cut myself on a mother fucking piece of glass IN THE TUB. but in reality it wasn't that bad cuz i was already bleeding anyways from my own self inflicted injuries. it worries me though cuz last time i did this i dont remember their being any blood, and this time (it couldve just been cuz i was in the tub and wet) it actually started dripping a little. so yeah it appears my life is actually getting worse, and not better as i previously though. little bit worried what might happen if there is a next time. this is so sad. it just fucking SUCKS that i dont have anymore close friends out here. I seriously couldve used one tonight. i wouldve loved to have someone to TALK TO during dinner tonight, and if not that i would've loved to have a friend's place to go to after the party. I didnt want to come home to this stupid apartment where my brothers are completely fucking oblivious to how much pain i'm in. i serioiusly dont understand sometimes how i'm even related to them. fuck i shoulve just rented a hotel like i originally thought and stayed there for the night. I coulda fucking cut myself as much as i wanted there and at least i wouldn't feel bad about no one worrying because i'm actually fucking alone.