Bring on the Depression Baby

So, its been almost exactly 20 days since coming back to Etown, and within those 20 days i have already succeeded in crying so hard that i resorted to cutting myself to make it stop.
Dear God, I don't know why I do what I do, but if you could make me stop, please do..... soon. I really should've wrote this entry earlier because I've been holding this in for a really really long time now. I've hated coming back to Edmonton. I know I'm contradicting what I said like 6 entries ago but, I realize now. The first day when i was in Shanghai, I cried because I felt really isolated and I didn't know anyone. But once I got to HZ i realized that everyone else was basically on the same page as me. Everyone was far away from home, and everyone was basically living on their own by themselves w/o family and out of their comfort zone. For possibly the first time in a long long time i felt on par w/ everyone else. I wasn't constantly reminded that i live in a household where my pain is ignored and i'm treated like i'm invisible. For 60 days I lived with the same 21 students. I got up w/ them, went 2 class with them, went shopping with them and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them. I really hate being by myself because I can't do anything but think of what a disgrace I am. In HZ all that seemed to dissappear. I slept well, ate well and I laughed well. I was really sad when everyone went there seperate ways in Beijing and then I got really nervous about going to HK by myself. I hadn't seen my uncles in like.... 10 years and I was worried how we'd interact. But.... they really surprised me, the treated me just like a normal family member. And like.... they helped me with so much stuff. They carried all my luggage and bags and ANYTHING that i was holding at the time. fuck, in Edmonton I carry my own shit no matter how heavy it is. I just wasn't used to all this friendly help. And when it came time to leave HK i really REALLY didn't want to leave my uncles behind. People seriously NEVER help me and i was fine w/ it. Until I got back to edmonton. Like it wasn't even a gradual adjustment. First MINTUE i got back into Edmonton I was bombarded with my *loving family*. No one was at the airport to pick me up. No one could make it. I had to take a bus back home. And like I really should've been fine with that, but it turns out I wasn't. It was just too much of a drastic change. 2 months of being normal and okay and helped out, and then bam, an hour later your back to on your own again. I come home and NOTHING has changed. nobody asked me how was my trip, or said they missed me or acknowledged my existence. It was pretty hard. Everyone I knew was glad to be finally going *home*...except me. I didn't really have anything at home to look forward to....

Yeah, yeah me like that

....Sooo this is the 2nd time I've had to write this entry, because I somehow clicked a button and my post got lost. And the stupid auto save, saved right after my post was gone so it saved an empty post.... gotdamn.

But anyways. Isn't this picture beautiful??? Its a street in Hangzhou (aka HZ)... It woulda been more beautiful if that lady in the bottom left hand corner wasn't looking into the depths of my camera.... that dirty lady. But yeah.... oh HZ, i'm gonna miss you too.

But anyums. Today is Monday.... got a long ways to go till Saturday.... whats so special about saturday?? haha oh nothing.... tee hee. Hahaha. A bunch of ppl from the zhejiang group are going clubbing on saturday for T's b-day... and oh... someone might be there. hahahah i'm becoming obsessive aren't i? hahah Whaaat i've done worse before. Hmm... what else did i mention in that blog entry. Oh i remember i mentioned that when i was in HK i got my palm read. Hahaha. i love that crap. It said that.... this year i had a good school year (which i did, 3 A's baby!!) but this coming school year is gonna be a struggle (say WHAAA??) and also my immediate family is also supposed 2 get some sicknesses... oh dear. I'm also supposed 2 start having problems w/ my stomache... which is bad since i already DO have problems w/ my stomache. Um.... i think i'm missing one part.... minus the part about my love life... hahah i'll keep that to myself for now. mwa hahaa.

Um... starting work 2morrow, which is tuesday. Hopefully work will make the week go faster... why? i do not know. After all i only have one month left before... GASP classes start again.... *sigh*. Oh saturday.... i dont want to set my hopes up to high for saturday just in case all does NOT go well... but yeah i get to see my mutual coffee friend again. hahah i have to find him a shorter nickname. Welp this post looks to be about the same length that it originally was so i'll wrap it up. Lets hope that i dont delete it again!

Hohohoh

Thats all i can manage for my entry title today folks. words have left my mind. hahah. I went for a.... mutual coffee date today. Tee hee. It actually went quite well I'll say. I actually didn't have to call iris before hand and set up a fall back plan. Le sigh, where to start where to start. So, whilest in China i made like 21 new friends. haha some are mutual *hi* friends, and others are closer *gossip* friends, and then theres one friend that i never saw coming. Theres always guys that i think are goodlooking, and i like them a lot upon first meeting. But then after getting to know them for a while i start to pick up little quirks that i find annoying. This happened in china, and by the end of the 2 months all of the guys just turned into normal mutual friends. *except* for one guy. The opposite actually happened. I thought he was okay looking in the beginning, and then over time i just started liking his personality. And his quirky laugh, haha its so loud. And it was actually on again off again liking. Cuz i didn't think me and him would get along. *Until* the very last night in Beijing. One of the main things that he did that was the real kicker was that he kinda watched out for me.... yeah, i mentioned in a previous post that id like to meet a guy who would watch out for me/ stand up for me if i got in trouble. And at the club this guy smashed a bottle right behind me and it looked liek a fight was gonna break out, and my friend just stood up and stood in front of me to make sure i didn't get injured.... (swoon) hahaha. Can't see J doing that for me. And then we ended up dancing together pretty much all night. And then the next day he left for Canada.... sigh. I thought i'd never see him again. hahah UNTIL i got to BC and discovered that he somehow got my email addy, and sent me a msg asking me out for coffee!! (mutual drink people, mutual drink) Hahaha, anyways we went out for coffee today. It was much MUCH better than my blind date w/ cement man. Aaaah hes such a gentleman, haha he opened all the doors for me!! I've NEVER had someone do that for me, so yeah it was kinda akward... but sweet. tee hee. Um... some random things to mention, when i was talking w/ 4th uncle in HK i was telling him why i didn't go for a guy like J, and i mentioned something like. *one of the most important things i look for in a guy is manners*.... ironically look what i stumbled upon... hohoh. But yeah, it was just a mutual coffee w/ a friend.... i think. I like him though, hahah i dunno if he likes me..... sigh, why can't i read minds?!????

day one back in edmonton

Hey freaky-cakes,
how's my fellow non-existant viewers been? As titled its my first official morning back in Edmonton. And i guess maybe i am still jet lagged. Especially seeing as its 9 20AM and i've already done 2 loads of laundry. If this were normal C-dawg i'd still be in bed dreaming i've finished my landry. but anyums. i guess it feels good to be home.... i guess.... China was nice. It was *a LOT* more fun than i was expecting. The first 2 days in Shanghai weren't a great start, I actually cried on the bus.... haha i'm a pussy. But i was really sad that none of my friends were there and i didn't really know anyone. But it got a lot better in Hangzhou. Oh HZ i'm actually gonna miss you. It was really nice living in such close proximity with those 22 guys. Having to live in the same building, go to the same classroom, do the same stuff for 2 months really makes those guys grow on you. I woulda liked it a lot more if Iris or Cathy or another close friend was on the trip too, but ah, i dont have any regrets about going. yeaaaah. hahaha. I'm actually pretty close to unpacking everything. Theres only a few odds and ends lying around on the floor, but aside from that my 2months worth of purchases are almost completely put away. yeaaaaah. i basically horded up on socks, and swarovski beads, and (typically) shoes. hahah i didn't actually buy that many shoes. I chose my shoes very carefully, i'm not a horder like Tiff. haha
Um... HK was equally as fun. I was actually sad to leave. I was really worried that I wouldn't know what to say to my gramma and my uncles, but my uncles are the greatest. hahah. One of the first questions they asked me was *so ming-ming......do you have a boyfriend :D* hahaha. I'm surprised i didn't gain 50 pounds w/ my 6 meals a day. Basically every day for a week. I'd wake up at 10AM, and i'd have breakfast w/ my gramma. then my 3rd uncle would get off work, and he'd take me out shopping for a bit, then i would eat lunch w/ him at 12. Then at 2pm, my 4th uncle would get off work, and i would go and have lunch w/ him. and THEN at 4pm, my 5th uncle would get off work....and i would have lunch with him. Then finally, we'd have supper around 7ish.... dear lord. the food the food. hahaha. Anyums i'm gonna go and check up on my laundry before taking a nap. hahah oh naps, how i missed you.

Yo dawgs first post back in Canada

Whooo-wee its been a super long time hasn't it? Oh how i've missed you blog. *smack* This is gonna be a quick quick post because i haven't sleep in like 30+ hours. and am kinda suffering from jet lag. But china was pretty decent. I had a bad start and 2 bad days near the end but all in all it was pretty decent. I'm glad i went. I had a good time in Hangzhou and i had a good time in Hong Kong, and.... i had a good night in Beijing too... tee hee. Hahaha. okay thats all i'm gonna put for now, I'll have some recaps later when i get back into edmonton alrighty.

3:04AM

That is the time right now, as I sit and wait till its time to go to the airport.... Sigh, I dunno whether or not its because Im extremely tired, but i'm just NOT excited to go on this trip. Which is ironically *bad* considering I'm gonna be gone for 2 months.... Jeeeeezoos. I just hope It'll be better when I get there, and that I'll be able to think positively, and not get homesick. Gaaaaah. I just wish at least one of my friends was going that way I wouldn't feel so lonely. Poo-urns. Anyhoo, I guess I'm all finished packing. My suitcase is a bit heavier than I expected. I hope its not too heavy.... I swear I only packed essentials..... well... okay so thats a lie. Hahah. I'm just that girl who always thinks of eveyrhitn that she could possibly need, and packs it. Hey C, you have a bandage? (yup), scissors (yup), swiss cheese (yup), a one legged dog named ponkey? (......its in my other bag). Hahaha one of these days....Ung. Anyways I should probably go to bed and take a nap or something. Oh sigh. I just wish I could get a little more excited about this trip. I'm not even the least bit happy. The only reason i get nervous is because I'm worried i forgot something. Gaaah, i nkow so many people who would kill for an opportunity like this, and here i am... not wanting to go....
Bah, i just hope that everything will seem better when i get there.
3:14 AM (fastest post ever)

A picture, finally!

Yo all this is Quinto. I made him while i was busy *packing* Hahaha, I made it for my Gramma in HK, whom as my mom tells me, Loves sparkly things. Hahaha oh gramma so this is where i got my genes from.

Ho hum. Anyways I should be packing, but i've been packing for the past week. I think i should take a break. Hahaha, I'm taking a break by playing microsoft Hearts. I seem to sometimes be really good, and then i seem to sometimes suck... really bad. Hahah its a curse.

Blarg, so i'm going to China on Sunday. Getting a little nervous. I'm starting to have some bad dreams. Hahaha. *sigh* I'm gonna get homesick. Boo-urns. I really really wished that my family, or at least my mom woulda went back to HK with me. Cuz i'm really worried about meeting my uncles and gramma. I haven't seen them for such a long time I'm worried its gonna be really awkward. Sigh, it also makes me sad that I'm thinking about that, even considering that they are family and all. Blaargh.... yessum.

But anyways keep in touch on this blog as i intend to have a travel-blog to show off all my pic-a-tures, of all the pretty places I'm going to.... or also of child slavery... sigh. It'll be a new blog site for sure, because I plan on keepting this one a *secret* blog where i just vent. Yessum thats all for now. Next time i post it'll prolly b in the C-H of INA.

T-minus 4 days till China ladies and gents.

Hoh-yah
So the big days almost here ya'll. I dont rememember if I mentioned it in my previous entries or not seeing as I haven't posted anything in like 2 months hahah, but....so I'm going to China... yeaaaah. Hahaha i'm going for 2 months. Ugh its gonna be an uber long time. I've never been away from *home* for that long of a period of time. Unnng. what to do what to do. I'm just a little sad because I dont know anyone who will be going. Unlike all my other previous trips I wont have a best friend with me. My roomate is kinda... I dunno she's like me in a way but worse. Shes friendly I guess but like... she won't wait up for me or something if I stop and talk to a friend even though she knows we take the train together. So it kinda bothers me and I guess i'm thinking that, ....ah i dunno what am I saying I dont know the girl so i shouldn't judge. vreh.
So yeah 2 months w/o friends. In a country where I dont know my way around, am the size of a monster, and can barely speak the language. siiigh.

And then I'm going to HK to visit my mom's side of the family. I dunno why this bothers me too. But like I'm worried i'm gonna put on a bad impression, cuz theres the language barrier again. And i'm worried I wont know what to say, they'll think i'm stupid, i wont have anything to do, they'll think i'm stuck up.... aaaaall that fun loving stuff. *sigh* Hopefully it will be better when I get there. Aaaand I'm kinda tired now so i'm gonna call it a night. I keep on trying to post up pictures but my internet is to friggen slow to let me. Geeezoos

balrg

Gah, i've been trying 2 load a picture on here for the past like 2 hours i swear. I haven't been on here for a long time and i decided that i should upload a picture but I couldn't. Boo-urns.
But angry aside, Today is the last day of classes! Yah. I celebrated buy naming today *spending day* where i bought expensive lunch for myself. Hahaha. it was indeed. It was also my brothers birthday today. I bought him an ice cream cake from baskin robbins. I had to carry it from whyte have onto the bus, onto the train and back home. Did i mention its uber warm outside? Hahaha i was afraid i'd have a box of cream soup by the time i got home. But it was not. I bought my brother cinderella 3. (Aw thats cute, is he 8?) No... hes 26. Hahah my brother wants to marry cinderella.
Ahhh such an unproductive day. I was gonna do laundry but i did not. Instead I went outside onto my balcony and started a painting.... weird. Its kinda creepy actually i only put up a ground, and then i penciled in a sketch of what i wanted to paint. And then i scraped on some white paint. And then i went inside. And when i peeked outside again. The painting looked like a face already even though its only got white on it. weee-yad. And thats waht i'be been trying 2 upload for the past 2 hours. But it is not working. So instead i will just post this emtpy entry, and continue looking at these amazing bentos that this lady is making.

Creepy Dream

Hey folks, been kinda busy this month.
Also my internet wasn't working last week... so yeah... i've been going to bed uber early. Hahah but low and behold once i get back on the net i go 2 bread at like 2AM each night..... le sigh.
Anyways i have to report about a uber creepy dream i had on Monday night. I dreamt that i died. It was real weird. I was in this giant parking lot, and it was like a gang fight going on. And ppl were shooting at me, and i was shooting at thugs... haha and then this one mofo started chasing me, and i was trying 2 evade him. But eventually i got cornered on this cliff. And rather than get shot to death... hahah i decided to jump off the cliff into the raging waters below. And then it flashed forward to like... a CSI opening. and i could see my body lying on the ground and all these paramedics and ppl surrounding me. And the paramedic said "I'm afraid she's dead. If we had arrived earlier we might've been able to save her....but she's dead."
And then i woke up... creeeepy

achy head

Uuuugh. i dont relly know what this post should be about seeing as nothing really interesting happened. My best friends in town though. So yeah we will go and spend 40 bucks on sushi 2morrow. HOHOH (per person btw) hahah. Um... spring forward yesterday. worst day of my life. I hate losing an hour. Bad enough that time seems 2 magically disappear when i'm on msn. Um... yeah so i've been having a kaffufin w/ internet man. he made me angry on ....friday i guess... i dunno check w/ the previous blog. And i got angry and blocked him for a good few days. Um... i had a full day off yesterday. It was EXTREMELY unproductive. I did finally figure out how to read that crystal beading book my mom got me. i told her to buy me a crafting book in HK. and she bought me one where all the intructions were in chinese. I was like.... uh thanks. hahah but i figured them out.. YESS. i made half a mouse, half a bracelet and 3/4 of an octopus. Hohohoh. i'm going to buy some more beads on ebay when jess gets the paypal money in that she owes me. I also found that pair of white irregular choice clogs i've been looking for for like 2 years! Hohoho. its in my size to!! hahah having said that i bet you i'll miss the auction. *sob sob* i will be the saddest girl in grade number...16. Oh you, you make me sad. But alas i'm gonna go 2 bed now.

FUCK you piss me off so much

GAAAAAAAAH, i seriously finally decided that I liked you, and that when you smiled i thought you were cute. And then you go and fucking pull that stupid fucking brb stunt again. I TOLD YOU, i HATE it when guys tell me they'll brb and DONT DO IT. It pisses me off even more becuase i told you MANY TIMES. its the one of the few things that i HATE about a guy and you always go and fucking do it. Its fucking demoralizing because it makes me feel like i'm not worht coming back for. THIS is why i dont open up to guys because I put so much faith in them, only to have them fucking hurt me again. ITS FUCKING DEPRESSING. stupid shithead.

Hey pookie....

So i went on a semi*date* on friday. Hahaha. I went w/ internet man. He looks a lot different in real life. I dont want to be mean but he looks better in his pictures. Hahah, but he was also wearing a hat when i met him so we'll see. But at the same time i'm not saying i had a horrible time w/ him. It was 10X better than my forced date w/ cement man. Hahah, i wanted 2 squish his arms 2 see if he was really that muscly. O-hohoh.... but i didn't i refrained. Hahaha, I kept on stealing secret looks at him to see if i could determine whether or not i thought i was good looking or not. Hahah and i think he knew i was doing that. Hahahah he makes me laugh really hard cuz he does silly things. hahaha he's so simple, but yet like if all the stuff he tells me is true, hes been through a lot, and apparently hes fucking talented!! hahah. I'll go on about that stuff in a later entry maybe. I think he'll look better in his *thug* clothes. hahahah. OH another coincedence. I bumped into Lawrence and Pauline at the theatres when i was w/ internet mat. It was really strange. hahah cuz they always ask me if i have a bf. and i always never, and the one time i go out w/ a guy, and boom i bump into them. Hahaha. i'm so sad cuz hes so skinny! haha well hes not as skinny as J, and hes only (only PAH) 10 pounds lighter than me. but it makes me sad. Hahaha. I'm pretty sure i'll see him a 2nd time, 2 get a better judgment. Cuz i dunno why i was kinda tired on friday and i couldn't think very clearly.... just like right now, i feel like i'm gonna pass out cuz i'm so tired!! hahha sigh. Welp thats all folks, ttyl

words you say have never hurt me so much

mr d. once asked me before what i didn't like a members of the opposite sex. I told him i couldn't think of anything really, except i didn't like it when men were too girly. I actually discovered something else i dont like about men. I dont like it when they say they'll come back.... and they dont. It sounds like such a minute thing, but because its happened to me so often, it really makes me sad when it happens again. Especially when guys that i 'cared' about do it. The first time i can recal this happening was w/ my stalker-ex M. I specifically took a day off from work because it was his only day off and i wanted to spend time w/ him. We went over 2 his place to watch a movie. And within like 20 mintues of getting there, he got a phone call. And when he hung up he told me that he had completely forgotten that he promised his friend hed go to their place 2 have dinner. So he was like, i'll be back soon okay! And so basically he left me at his place, stranded w/ nothing to do.... For 4 hours. i waited like a fool.
The 2nd time this happened to me was with my heartbreaker C. i probably could've loved you. You were the guy that i knew for the longest amount of time, and the only guy who i really felt comfortable talking to. I loved him and i hated him. We had deep conversations and he picked me up when i was depressed. But at the same time, he used to disappear for long periods of times. Like i'd talk to him one day, and then it'd be a few months before i talked to him again. Just when i thought we really started getting somewhere he told me he had to go. The last words he ever said to me on msn were "I'll talk to you tomorrow" .... and he never did.
It just pains me a lot, cuz guys i care about lie to me. And that they dont think i'm worth coming back for. Its a real punch in the stomache when i think about it. So yeah, it really hurt Mr. D when we were talking last last time and you said *brb* And you went offline and didn't come back. It actually didn't bother me till today. You didn't leave me a offline msg, a txt msg, an email reply or voice msg. You just basically disappeared like everyone else. It felt exactly like M&C. I also think.... that you really arent' that interested in me. When we first met you used to send me at least an email a day. And now... its been like a week+. I told you once, and if i ever see you i'll tell you again. if you dont like me, just tell me. I'd rather find out sooner, than later and before i've fallen for you. It makes me sad too because he reminds me a lot like C. a little bit TOO much. He says the right things, and he makes me laugh and feel good about myself. But at the same time, i worry about him cuz i know craig was a player too....

if lifes gonna suck, why live it?

I'd really like an answer to that question sometime. Feel free to help me out whenever you can God. Its just really depressing to know that sometimes I feel like i have no one to talk to, no one to go to, and no one to cry too. I had a really nice time today at the Chinese New Year Banquet. I laughed lots and smiled more cuz I was with a bunch of friends. Its something that I haven't done in a really long time. So yeah it was nice. And then my fucking brothers went and ruined my day. I got a ride to T's place to pick up some stuff and change shoes. And because it started to get cold (and late) I called up my brothers to come pick me up. And they were like *tsk wehre are you* and i was like *it wont take that long cuz i'm not that far* and he was like *fuck, your 2 blocks away WALK HOME* and i got so angry. WHO the fuck tells their baby sister to walk home in the middle of the night, in the cold, in a skirt??? I fucking cried while walking home. ugh it makes me SO angry cuz they always ruin my days. I think i've lost weight, and i know i'm losing sleep. I wore my cheungsam that i wore for grad 4 years ago. And it used to be really snug. I put it on today and i could pinch like a few inches of excess material around the waist. Ugh. i go to bed so late, cuz its the only time i can study and get homework done. And then my brother wake me up at like 6AM with his alarm that he refuses to turn off till an hour later. And THEN after his shower he turns on ALL the lights in the room and makes all this noise. Its really depressing. And to top things off, i my brothers are serious inconsiderate fucks. I sacrifice so much for them, and i get absolutely nothing in return. I'm positive that my health is deteriorating because of them. I hate seeing my family unhappy. So that was the main reason why i gave my 2nd brother my room. He was sleeping on the couch for the longest time. And it made me really upset cuz he did that.... even though the most fucking easiest and logical thing for him to do would've been to share a room w/ my older brother. Because basically, both of them go to bed early, and both of them get up at the same time... so no one would be disturbing anyone. And both are heavy sleepers anyways. But whatever, so i gave my brother his own room. And instead of being grateful and happy. That little fuck, he just moved in, and i practically never see him anymore. He comes home, and goes into his room, until dinner, where he eats dinner in his room. I can go a week w/o saying a single word 2 him. It makes me so angry cuz hes so fucking stuck up and full of himself. Like hes too good to come and have supper w/ us. ARG. i just dont understand how i can be related to those jerks sometimes. And like.... what makes me really depressed is that I have no one to talk too when i really need someone. I lost my cell couple days ago. So i lost all my friends contact numbers. And my internet isn't working so i can't get ahold of any of them except I. It just bothers me a lot, cuz a lot of times when i'm angry i dont want to be at home, cuz i dont have any privacy anymore. But i dont have anyone/where to go too. Since I & C moved away i just feel really lonely a lot. And... i dunno why, but even when i do have like... jess out here or something, even still i have trouble voicing my saddness. Its like... i dont want to make others worry about me either, and like.... shes my brothers cousin too, so what is she supposed 2 say about them? Aaaah, but at the same time i know its bad that i keep it all bottled up. Anyways i gotta go now. I walked to the cybercafe btw, cuz our internet is not working and i didn't want to be at home...

arg the stress factor

hey baby cakes. I think i'm going to die tomrrow. You guys have no idea how stupidly stressful today was. I called my mom and i actually cried. Really sad. all for such stupid reasons. Its weird how one can not feel stressed out but yet really be stressed out. I didnt feel stressed at all. Till i got home and started realizing. and then i started swearing like a pirate. Ugh So pissed off. I lost my fricken cell phone. I took it to work. put it on the hostess stand. went away to do some take outs and 20 mintues later it was gone. FUCKING GONE. argh. I thought maybe i misplaced it so i looked pretty much everywhere. Including the garbage cans. AAAgh. so angry. It just makes me equally angry because i wasn't supposed to work tdoay. but i did. And it was a fucking joke. It was slower than a monday. I wasted an evening i could've been using to study for a cheesy 5 buck tip. aaagh. if i DIDN'T go to work i wouldve NOT lost my cell, and i wouldn't have been so grumpy and stressed from lack of sleep and studying. I'm actually seriously worried about my FS midterm 2morrow. I have no idea what shes going to put on it. aaaaagh paranoia. I dont think i'm gonna be able 2 fall asleep tonight either. arg. stupid stupid stupid.
......j-just.... one........more....d-d--day.....

My confession

...and this is going to be the email where you discover i'm a paranoid freak.

I really was hoping youd come online to talk these past few days cuz i really wanted to get something off my chest. It's actually been a really stressfull week this coming week and the start of last week cuz of classes and work and midterms and all. So I was really happy when me and you started talking cuz you made me really happy. And then... ugh i dont even wanna say it. But like. I started thinking.... possibly too much for my own good.
....I've been hurt a lot, really bad in all my relationships. the last guy that i seriously fell for was kinda like you, and we met on the internet to. And like, at the peak of our 'relationship' he just up and disappeared. I haven't talked to him or heard a word from him for 2 years. So yeah, all that and more has just made me a paranoid girl. It sucks and I cant help it. I've been really worried these past few days that you might do that too, or that you aren't really who you say you are. I feel like a fucking jerk for even having that thought but its what happens when you've been lied to and disappointed so many times. You start to second guess every good thing that happens in life. I'm a simple little girl, but when i like someone i fall fast, and i fall hard for them, which makes it that much difficutl when i find out all along i meant nothing to them.
...i'm sure this is exactly NOT the email that you wanted to read when you wake up. But yeah. this is me. I know you've said this to me before, so maybe its my turn to say it to you. After you read this email, and you get creeped out and dont want to talk to me anymore thats fine. I'd really rather it happen sooner than later. thanks.
Corinna.

uuunnng help me....

....i dont know what i'm doing right now.... you guys are gonna be the first ones to hear this.... its something that I haven't told any of my friends yet. But.... i met a guy....on the internet. And i think that we really get along and hit it off well. I really like him, and its really creepy but me and him have *a lot* in common. Its kinda creepy sometimes. Well, the first few days that we started talking I started to get that same floaty feeling that i used to get when i talked to.... you know who. It was really exciting haha i have to admint. But then.... ugh its so bad, i dunno if its my 6th sense kicking in, or if i'm just and idiot and worrying too much. But i'm starting to get a little bit worried. Ugh, like i dunno if hes really who he says he is or if all the stories he tells me is true. Or if hes the type of guy I think he is. Its really bothering me. At times i really really really want to talk to him, and then hes never online. And this is the first guy who i actually want to meet and actually want to call. He called me today but i missed his call. And when i went to call him back like 30 mintues later... his phone busy.... Uhhh its bothering me so much, I dont want to fall for someone again and find out hes fake. And I'm also wondering what type of person he is. I originally thought he was like... well different than the type of person I might think he is now. I'm worrying that hes another *henry*. But at the same time, the other part of me pulls little clues that tells me he can't be like henry. ARG its bothering me so much. Like his emails say one thing but i'm reading them a different way. Like.... he told me hes a really shy person, but at the same time, he called me pretty much right after he got my number. I dunno about you but shy people I know dont call girls right away. Fuck i dont call people i like until like i'm really confident about them. And then second of all, he keeps on asking me for pictures of myself.... it makes me uncomfortable cuz he asks for them almost *evertime* we talk. At first I was worried cuz I thought he might think i didn't look like my display pic, so i went on web cam for a bit. But after that he still kept on asking me for pictures. But THEN....after saying all that theres also another part of me that says hes not really as interested in me as I think he is. And that maybe hes like... doing this to other girls at the same time too. Like.... for a girl hes really interested in, he doesn't seem to want to talk to me that much. I've only talked to him online *once* for a good amount of time. And today, he came online for like 2 seconds and said, hi, then he went away. Fuck, you figure if your really interested in someone you'd stay to chat for at least a little bit more. And.... he doesn't reply to emails as often as one would figure....UUUGH FUCK, i wish i wasn't so fucking paranoid. It makes me so angry, because i think that i'm just seriously thinking way to much. And then he's really just a busy guy. and i'm gonna feel like a fucking jerk when i find out that he really is just as he says.
Fuck But i just can't shake that feeling..... uuuuuugh why does this always happen to me.... some one throw me a fucking bone, i seriously need some clarity....

I am a Sexual Predator....Oohohooo...

I'm laughing like Strongbad does in this one episode where I forget what happens and what he does.... but yes i'm still laughign like him. Hahaha. Had an excellent start to an week.... yes indeed. At least so far i'm lead to believe it will be an excellent start. But for all I know it could turn out to be really bad. which i hope it doesn't. Um... i'm starting to have faith in my tarot reading card skills! haha either that or i'm just getting easily believable people. I still need the book for every card, but the readings (as people tell me/ i find out) are creepily accurate. HOHOHO.
Um... i dunno if i mentioned before but i might be going to China in the summer... I'm kinda bittersweet about it. Like i want to go, but no one else i know will be going, and Its ALOT of moolah. and when i come back i have to pay another 5thou out my ass for tuition. Not to mention its gonna be harsh these next few months before may having so save up all this cash. I wanted to buy some new glasses and some other stuff, but all that good stuff's gonna be put on hold if i go... And ALSO i'll be missing jess' grad. And i also wanted to go to BC for a few weeks to visit iris and cathy. Arrrrg, so far all the negatives are outweighing the positives. the positives mainly being, my parents want me to go, i kinda want to go, and its supposed 2 be really cheap, considering what i get out of it, and also... once in a lifetime opportunity here. aaaarg. So yeah. its really bothering me right now. To go or not to go, that is the question.
Ugh... but aside from that, ....tee hee... naw i dont think i'll say it I'll jinx it. So i'll just keep it a little secret between me and myself for now okey! Super hard to though!! hahaha Okay gotta go now before i miss enough sleep and decide i'm elegible to miss class 2morrow.... again. Hahah bye bye

oh internet oh internet

whatever shall i do without you!!!
Soooo... my internet has been down for the past 2 weeks.... or rather more specifically, someone else is stealing the internet signal that we've been stealing.... those JERKS. haha. Well, i'm thinking that a lot of new stuff has been happening but for the life of me I can't remember the important stuff. The new Southside Kyoto opened up and Jason moved over there, so I dont have to be creeped out at work so often anymore. Hahah i'm a jerk. But like usual, after losing one creepy guy, i've gained another. Hahah i just attract em' i tell ya. Oh right, I might be going to China come May! I really want to go cuz a lot of people are telling me i should go, and also its probably like a once in a life time opportunity. If i go i'll be going w/ 21 other classmates and 2 instructors to ZheJiang University in China for 2 months. One of the main reasons that i dont know if i should go or not is that moolah is really.... REALLY tight. its such short notice cuz i thought the trip was NEXT year rather than... in 4 months. I'm supposed 2 come up w/ 5grand by the end of this month. And like, the thing is i have 2thou in my account right now, and my parents said they'll pay whatever else is left and i can pay them back when i come back. But when i come back it'll be July, and i'll have 2 months left to make another ~5thousand for Fall/Winter Tuition. And THEN, theres also the problem of spending money when if i go to China.... aaarg, right now everythings pointing to go-go, but if i 'really' think about it, its probably a bad idea.... aaaaaaah help mee jeeebus!!!!