Myself again....

"You wonder why I don't talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it's not that I don't want to, it's just that everything I want to say I can't tell you anymore"

This blog-diary is turning into one of those ones where I post a quote of the day. Cept its not inpirational. Ha-ha.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to reply back to Dave. And that quote above is one of them. I can't treat you like just a friend after all I've been and done with you. It was very silly of you to ask me to try. And so soon after crushing my heart too.
Anyways. I'm doing a lot better. Almost a week ago I told Dave I wished I never met him.That my heart missed him so much, and I wished it didn't. Ironically, I woke up the next day and my heart didn't hurt anymore :) And I felt better. I know it was a very mean thing for me to say, but I don't regret saying it. And the best thing for you to have done is give me space. (Which, btw, is what you should've done in the first place). I just hope it lasts. 5 days later and I'm still feeling relieved, but I'm getting an urge to send him a text again :( I just want to know what he thinks. I wonder if he feels bad, and knows how much I hurt. Or if he feels relieved that I'm out of his life. Anyways. This shouldn't matter, because Dave isn't a part of my life anymore. A part of me still wants him to be, but that part isn't so big anymore. Instead of missing him, I'm able to focus on all the things he never did for me, and all the things he was never there for. I'm happy glad that I've started to take off those stupid rose colored glasses again. But its always sad thinking that I've wasted my time. I know, I need to think of it as a lesson learned. But apart of that spiteful me says 'But David never learned anything'. And that is a big reason why I'm so down around him too I think. I want him to feel bad, and I don't want to let him off the hook so easily...... I'm such a jerk ! Hahaha, but maybe thats what you get for breaking the kindest girl you will ever meet's heart. Anyways, it's a big unknown what will happen next. And I need to remember I'm not a fortune teller or mind reader. Maybe I'll never talk to Dave again, and that could be a good thing. But, I do hope something works out... that I can find it in my heart to forgive him, and he will message me and I can tell him I'm okay now.
Yes. I think that would be nice.

Basic Solutions

If only I could follow them....

Sometimes on a slow day at work (like today) I will google things like this. Ironically, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one suffering with a broken heart and sometimes. Just sometimes. There is a piece of advice that stands out to me. Kinda like this bit.

just remember that in order for someone to be right for you, feelings have to be mutual . if he doesn't feel a connection, then maybe you need to analyze whether your feelings are real. when you can't have someone, you want them so much more.

I kept saying Dave gave up too easily, and never tried hard enough, and he just needed to sit back and think about things and times that we were happy. And that is my wishful thinking. Me wanting to push my feelings into him..... Its very hard for me to understand how someone can fall out of love. (Especially with me!) I put a lot of effort into this relationship, and I suppose I'm bitter because I didn't get anything in return. I do just wish he had been more honest with me. Even the last part of the quote is quite funny to me. That is what I originally planned to do to Dave. I would make him miss me. I guess you all know from the last gajillion posts how that turned out. Anyways. I keep on, keep on, keep on writing in here to get these feelings out. I thought Dave was right for me, and its very, very, very hard for me to understand that Dave didn't feel I was right for him. I've never had that feeling before.... or maybe I did but just ignored it. When we were still dating, sometimes I would think, Dave doesn't really understand me. But then I would say, Thats just me being picky ! Warning signs, that I ignored. *sigh* There were even warning signs I said to myself before I started dated Dave. If only I had listened. They were all right. Dave never took me seriously before we dated, and he never took me seriously while we dated. He only started to listen (a bit) after we broke up. But that is too painful for me. To have him casually drop in and drop out of my life. It's too unexpected and painful. It triggers those happy highs when I see him, and then several hours later it brings those gut-wrenching lows.

I know. I know. I know. I need to stop seeing him and talking to him. Maybe I'm just building up courage ! My god. It hasn't even been 5 months.... It feels like its been an eternity....... But, it would be lying if I said I haven't gotten anywhere. I haven't seen a picture of him in so long I've forgotten what he looks like. I've managed to go out a few times (albeit it wasn't a happy drunken, few times). And I've summed up the courage to tell him I missed him (and have yet to regret it). It feels okay to get it off my chest, and maybe him not replying is the best thing that could happen :) Him not relplying tells me he can't return my feelings. So theres nothing up in the air anymore, and I should definately stop wondering if he misses me. And that also means no more imaginary conversations with you either.

Maybe  my heart really can say goodbye this time.....

Maybe this will be goodbye...

"The thing that made me the happiest today is seeing a message from you. My heart misses you very very much and every night before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning I wish very very hard that it didn't and sometimes that I never met you"

What I sent to Dave when he wished me a Merry Christmas. He never replied back, which I wasn't really expecting him to, but was of course secretly hoping he would. Of course I was hoping for a fairy tale ending where he would say he missed me too. But, my brain knew, if I thought with a level head, that he was only being nice to me because he saw me as a regular friend. I miss him a lot, and I'll probably cry the next few nights/weeks, but its over and done with. I told him I missed him, and theres nothing else really left to do (especially considering I said I wouldn't do anymore chasing) It appears that nothing will ever get better and you will always be your cowardly, selfish self. I know what I said wasn't exactly the nicest thing, and what would he even say to me after that. But......I just wanted to let him know. That I missed him.

I wish I could be stronger and just forgive and forget all the heartbreak. But I don't think I can. Maybe I'm selfish too. I just want you to suffer and feel bad for what you put me through, and I want you to feel bad for what you did. It wasn't very nice, and I've said over and over again, that it was outright selfish of you to put me through what you did the last 2 months. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive you, and if I can't forgive you, then its probably not a good idea for us to be friends anymore. We never started out with being just friends, so it was very silly and selfish of you to ask me to go back to being something we never knew how to be in the first place.

I wish this was goodbye, but I have a feeling I will probably have a weak spell and message you again.

Should I just be Frank?

Or Henry, or George, or Johnny....

My most recent attempt at humor......*weak smile*
The drama of a girl with a indecisive heart. First I don't like him, then I like him, then I'm not sure, then I like him a lot, then I hate him, then I miss him, then I hate him, then I miss him so much I think I might love him. I'm sure the last one is just me being dramatic. If I wanted to I could go and Google How do you know if you love someone, and see if that fits. But, at this point in time, I think that is the very last thing I should be doing. I'm sure its just my heart playing tricks on me, and my attachement to Dave that's making me feel this way. I did think at one point in time that we could get married. So, I guess it would be only natural to feel more attached to him than anyone else I've ever dated. I thought life with him was interesting and I felt cared for. When I look at the good side anyways. I always forget to look at the things I ignored because I was so blinded by happiness. I feel like I could be that person who refuses to give up, and keeps trying and trying and refusing to let go because I believe.
And then I think, no this is just the disorder talking, making me me unable to see both sides. Unable to let go and move on. Unable to adjust to the loss. Making me think of only the things that made me happy, becuase that's all that mattered. And making me forget about all the times he made me sad, and gave up so easily. Making me put all his good qualities before his equally as many bad qualities.
I tried to erase you from my picture, just like I originally had sketched you in. I wanted to get you out and as far away from me as possible, so I could be the me that was happy before I met you. I want to forget you. But then, it gets hard again when something trips. An old memory, friends mentioning your name or your friends. It makes me think of every possible situation and outcome. Why I wasn't asked, who's been talking, what if they said that, or thought this. Maybe she said something, maybe she heard something. So many possibilites, and I can't think that maybe none of them happened. Maybe nobody cares, and it all just boils down to a simiple thing. Everyone just wants to have fun with their friends.
I know I need to stop over-thinking things. That maybe thats one of the many reasons why this relationship failed. I wonder if Dave's friends think about me, or think that Dave made the wrong choice. I wonder, and I shouldn't because its trivial, and it shouldn't matter. I shoud be thinking about how to get better and become stronger. Not wondering and worrying about what people that shouldn't matter to me are thinking. If they really were saying horrible things about you, then I don't need them as friends, right?
Anyways, back on topic. My question is really asking myself if I should just honestly tell Dave that I miss him. He always asked me how I was doing, and I would always give an open ended answer. And now I think I should just flat out tell him. I miss you. I don't want to, and I try not to but I do. But I think the first thing I need to do is forgive you. On random days I still get mad at you and start crying and calling you poo-head. I do it to convince myself to stop crying over you because your not worth it. But deep down, I think I still miss you. You weren't a great boyfriend, and maybe this is the disorder talking, but I feel like I miss you. And maybe I should let you know? A while ago I asked you if it made you uncomfortable when I said I missed you. Without hesitating you said 'No'. No because it was only natural. I only told you once that I missed you, and that was a few days right after we broke up. Then I never said it again because I didn't want to seem like the weak one. But not saying it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. So thats why I think, that the next time you ask me how I'm doing. I will tell you. Because you shouldn't ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer for.
I hope I'll be okay.

I miss you :(

I'm such a high school girl.
I can't remember what you look like anymore but I still miss you. The thing that would make me the happiest is being able to wake up and lie in bed next to you. Just for a little bit. I'm so silly for still missing you. For not being able to move on and move past you yet. For being scared when other guys show interest in me. I want to see you, and I want to hear you say that you miss me too. I'm so silly. You'll ask me how I'm doing, but I'm too scared to answer you back. To scared because I know I over think things, and I automatically assume that you messaging me, means you miss me. Because what I do when I miss you. I keep hoping I will have a fairytale ending and you will look for me. And that I can't completely convince myself that its over. That we are over. I don't think about how you gave up on me. How you ignored me, instead of told me what was on your mind. How I fought for us, but you didn't even try. How you just kept me around as someone to have sex with. I say this to myself everytime I start to miss you and I feel like crying. And it works for a bit, but a tiny while later my heart will ache again. I read so many articles on how to deal with a broken heart, and I see how others feel and go through exactly what I'm going through, and I just wish I could be Black or White. Not inbetween. Not hating you and wanting you at the same time. I want you in my life so much, or not at all. Not even a friend. I haven't talked or seen Dave since my last post. 26 days. It seemed so long, but it wasn't really. Day 7. Day 12. Day 20. I felt stronger and stronger every day. And then slowly I started to think about you and miss you all over again. Wondering if you were happy. Wondering if you thought about me. But I didn't want to ask you, because I didn't want to hear the answer. I want to move away from here. Far away from everything and everyone and every place that reminds me of you. Away from my friends and family to be a strong person again. I miss you very much. And I wish I didn't. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I accepted you for who you were, and I tried to help you work on your faults, but I never got mad if you failed or got distracted. I wanted you to do the same for me. To be my equal and help me stand when I needed help. I didn't want you to pity me, I wanted you to understand me. I told you all my weaknesses and fears so that you could be there for me when I felt scared. But you didn't do that for me. Even though I supported everything you did. You never did the same for me. All I wanted was for you to be honest with me, even if it hurt. It wouldve made me feel better because it meant you saw us together in the future.
I miss you. And I wish I didnt.

Feeling like myself

Today was the first day where I felt like I was going to be okay. That I felt I was able to go an hour without thinking of him. Today I laughed, and I didn't feel bad about it.
12 days ago I saw Dave. And 12 days ago I told myself it would be the last time I would see him. And that I couldn't just be his friend. I told myself that many many times, but I couldn't convince myself to let him go. I was hoping that he would say something to me, and I would get the benefit of telling him this. But he didn't. So I just said goodbye in my heart. I miss him very much, but everyday that goes by I feel stronger and stronger. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at him and see him as just a silly boy that doesn't hurt me anymore.
I think maybe I won't see the therapist next week too. It helped being told that I had depression, but I dont feel llike she's giving me enough to work with. Teaching me things to do when I'm slumping. I find I'm just doing things on my own that make me feel better. Small simple things that make me feel pretty and happy and make me feel like a different person. Parting my bangs to the other side, wearing different colors, wearing my barrette on a different side, new glasses.... Its small material changes but it makes me feel new. And I can put the old weaker me behind. I even went to the studio and spruced it up a bit, and made a few aprons. It could've been that I've just been interacting with more people this week, but I feel less sad. And that I'm not thinking of sad things as much anymore..... That and I've been thinking of moving somewhere lately. Not sure if its just on a whim, but I really want to do something that will make me feel strong and independant again. Back to NY, or maybe Vancouver.... or maybe just a long trip to Europe..... Something different that will make me happy memories.......