I'm writing this to tell you how much of a looooooser you are.
No, actually I'm not. Only people I know have the tendancy to know where that line is from. Ai-yah, writing so much in here lately. Still missing poo-head, but not to the point that its painful. Day-tight Compartments, ey?
So, I went to the studio yesterday to prep for the surprise Block Party on Friday. Gabby was there, and she asked how Dave and I were doing. And, I know if I could record myself speaking and play it back a week later I would feel so silly! Just because I know my heart still misses him and the way I'm saying things like I still don't want to mess anything up :S One good thing though, Gabby and Halabi all agree that I'm missing "closure". And that it's semi normal to have gone through all that doubting and second guessing, and wondering what i did wrong. *SIGH*
And the 2nd thing that came up that I realized. Gabby asked me what I thought of Daisy. And I didn't know how to answer her. I said I guess she intimidated me. And Gabby said, 'Hell yeah, anybody would be'. You're boyfriends best friend is a girl! And I think maybe I never did believe Dave when he said he and Daisy never wanted to date. Father was right, comparing yourself to someone is a lose-lose situation. Maybe I compared myself to Daisy and felt insecure because I wasn't anything like her, and yet Dave got along so well with her and valued her opinion. A LOT. They had the same hobbies, the same interests, and she was so much more confident. It would almost be like that time Dave got upset at me because he thought I valued Brendan's advice more than his. The only difference was I only saw Brendan maybe once every few months. Dave saw Daisy every week and he went out of his way to see her for lunch. Ah, I was so jealous that they had so much in common :( I got along easily with Dave's male friends, but Daisy I was always so nervous around. And it made it that much worse when she ignored my message to her, because it just hammered in the thought that she never truly accepted me as a friend, and just as a chapter in Dave's life....SO DEEP.
Anyhow, I figure I'm still analyzing every tiny detail because deep deep down, I still miss the poo-head. Did I miss Michael this much when we broke up? I can't remember :( I know it hasn't even been 2 months, and I'm not crazy obsessing anymore, but I still miss having someone to hang out with and relax around, and do life things with. :(
Do you hear that you poo face? I Miss You !!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
2 posts in a day :S
Ergh,
More stuff to get off my chest. I went on FACEBOOK :( :( :(
Okay, so here is proof, that facebook is what is causing me to trip. I saw Dave and all of Dave' friends comment and like Tara's photo and I got jealous. I found out that Joald invited Ling, Tara and Jamie to his birthday but not me, and that made me feel bad too. :S :S
Okay Corinna stay calm. Stay calm. Joald, found out you're not dating Dave anymore and didn't want to make it akward. I mean, after all, Tara didn't invite Dave to her housewarming but invited everyone else, so the opposite is normal. Don't be jealous, don't be jealous. I'm Dave's ex, so yeah it would be rude to invite me. I'm not a friend, I'm Dave's ex-girlfriend. I want to stay friends, but everyone see's me as his ex, and I guess thats what normal friends would do. Tara is Andrew's gf so its okay for Joald to invite her. I'm just a bit bummed because without me, those guys wouldn't even have met Tara or Jamie or Ling. So i guess it feels super shitty, that I was the middle that brought everyone together, and now I got kicked out like I'm nobody. When without me, they never would've met in the first place. Uuuuuuuugh.
Everyone commented on Tara's photo because you haven't been posting anything in awhile. So they don't have anything to comment on. And if it just turns out Dave's friends are assholes, then you have nothing to lose. If they really thought you were their friend they would've replied to you when you announced your world had shattered. Not ignored you. At least Brendan did. I know its complicated. In the end they are Dave's friends first. How and why would Dave's friends want to be friends with you? You're his ex. It is weird to be friends with you're friends ex. I mean, Tara doesn't call Dave to hang out right? How akward would it be if you showed up and Dave was there. Dave's friends don't know if we're still talking or not, so yeah, its natural to not invite me. But its not cool if it feels like they are stealing my friends from me. They are my friends first after all. I might have to talk to my friends about that too, because I dont think they know how much it hurts that they go and I can't.
Another thing too. Tara is just replacing you in the UN. It sucks, but I think they'll see the difference between her and I. We're quite similar but not the same, I think I have a bigger heart and was a better, more equal girlfriend. I was very happy to be around Dave's friends, and when we went out to clubs I didn't like, I just thought it was exciting, not boring. I never complained about Dave or his friends, or was cheap. I just wanted to be equal, and I dont think thats what Tara wants.
Am I thinking too much? I probably am. You are the only one that is being bitter. Think from Dave's POV. He's talking to me, and trying to stay friends with me and my friends, his friends are still friends with my friends, and my friends are still friends with his friends. Its just me thats not talking to anyone. I did comment on Levar's link and Levar liked that. It's just me thinking too much ! Dave hasn't been putting up super emo comments on FB, and thats probably why none of his friends are "talking to you". You haven't been commenting on any of Dave's status' but he's commented on a few of yours. You're bringing this loneliness on yourself. So be like Dave, talk and comment and like, show everyone that you 2 are okay, and are still friends. And if that doesn't change anything, then you'll know everyones true colors.
More stuff to get off my chest. I went on FACEBOOK :( :( :(
Okay, so here is proof, that facebook is what is causing me to trip. I saw Dave and all of Dave' friends comment and like Tara's photo and I got jealous. I found out that Joald invited Ling, Tara and Jamie to his birthday but not me, and that made me feel bad too. :S :S
Okay Corinna stay calm. Stay calm. Joald, found out you're not dating Dave anymore and didn't want to make it akward. I mean, after all, Tara didn't invite Dave to her housewarming but invited everyone else, so the opposite is normal. Don't be jealous, don't be jealous. I'm Dave's ex, so yeah it would be rude to invite me. I'm not a friend, I'm Dave's ex-girlfriend. I want to stay friends, but everyone see's me as his ex, and I guess thats what normal friends would do. Tara is Andrew's gf so its okay for Joald to invite her. I'm just a bit bummed because without me, those guys wouldn't even have met Tara or Jamie or Ling. So i guess it feels super shitty, that I was the middle that brought everyone together, and now I got kicked out like I'm nobody. When without me, they never would've met in the first place. Uuuuuuuugh.
Everyone commented on Tara's photo because you haven't been posting anything in awhile. So they don't have anything to comment on. And if it just turns out Dave's friends are assholes, then you have nothing to lose. If they really thought you were their friend they would've replied to you when you announced your world had shattered. Not ignored you. At least Brendan did. I know its complicated. In the end they are Dave's friends first. How and why would Dave's friends want to be friends with you? You're his ex. It is weird to be friends with you're friends ex. I mean, Tara doesn't call Dave to hang out right? How akward would it be if you showed up and Dave was there. Dave's friends don't know if we're still talking or not, so yeah, its natural to not invite me. But its not cool if it feels like they are stealing my friends from me. They are my friends first after all. I might have to talk to my friends about that too, because I dont think they know how much it hurts that they go and I can't.
Another thing too. Tara is just replacing you in the UN. It sucks, but I think they'll see the difference between her and I. We're quite similar but not the same, I think I have a bigger heart and was a better, more equal girlfriend. I was very happy to be around Dave's friends, and when we went out to clubs I didn't like, I just thought it was exciting, not boring. I never complained about Dave or his friends, or was cheap. I just wanted to be equal, and I dont think thats what Tara wants.
Am I thinking too much? I probably am. You are the only one that is being bitter. Think from Dave's POV. He's talking to me, and trying to stay friends with me and my friends, his friends are still friends with my friends, and my friends are still friends with his friends. Its just me thats not talking to anyone. I did comment on Levar's link and Levar liked that. It's just me thinking too much ! Dave hasn't been putting up super emo comments on FB, and thats probably why none of his friends are "talking to you". You haven't been commenting on any of Dave's status' but he's commented on a few of yours. You're bringing this loneliness on yourself. So be like Dave, talk and comment and like, show everyone that you 2 are okay, and are still friends. And if that doesn't change anything, then you'll know everyones true colors.
Being a Scientist
So, I guess sometimes I am a decently logical person....
Everything I've been reading these last few weeks about how to better myself, how to get over a break-up, I've actually already been doing! It definately makes me feel better knowing that I've been on the right path. Sometimes I'm such a nerd, needing to get acknowledgement from a textbook before knowing its the right thing to do. It is somewhat funny too (and sad) that I googled "How to get over a break-up" and so many hits came up. What doesn't the internet have a solution for?!
But yah, anyways, I've been reading that book on Worry Dave gave me and theres a lot of things I already did to block out stress and worry. For example, whenever I would start to doubt what I did, or think about something unhappy that already happened, I would say "STOP" and immediately think of something else. Because I started to realize it was no use thinking about something that already happened and that I couldn't change. (I even recall trying to tell Dave that sometimes too, but it didn't seem to work! How funny :) What I do need to work on though, is having that same gung-ho about the future. Don't worry so much about it, and try and work on Just Today. That and Dave actually did try some of the techniques on me too, I remember. When I had that mad spell from not getting the receptionist job at KW he asked me "What is the worst that can happen". And that is directly from the book. I gave him an answer that he didn't expect though. Ha-ha, I'm such a pessimist :( Anyways, I hope I can learn a lot from that book, and even just the first 50 pages kinda gave me a kick start. So its just nothing but sunshine from here right?
I do find it funny the process I'm going through to get through this break up. I kinda went through all my old posts about post break-up with Michael, and I'm trying to skip that whole year of being sad, and just skipping straight to the steps I did after I had gotten over him. For example, I'm definately not over Dave yet, but I re-registered fro PoF immediately. I'm not ready to start looking again, but I'm making all the attempts just so I can feel better. It's hard trying to convince your heart about something you're mind knows is best for you. And maybe one of the reasons ol' heartsy isn't believing is because Michael regretted breaking up with me 1 year later. And I keep on thinking that is what will happen to Dave. So I guess maybe thats why I'm not willing to bash him yet, and start ignoring him like I did Michael. Because I know once I cross that bridge there's probably no going back. (Although I guess that is what Mariam did about Nizar and everything worked out for them.....) So, I guess having said that...... here is the post where I cross the bridge, and make the list of things I didn't like about Dave, and things I did good. I'm doing this because its what I did after I got over Michael, and I'm doing this so I can move on, and have something to look at if I feel the urge to talk to Dave again.
So here goes.....Dave was alway nice to me and there for me physically...
But he was never there for me emotionally, and I guess we didn't connect on that level.
When I first met him, I didn't want to date Dave, because he never took my problems seriously.
And he never did take my emotional problems seriously, and just said things that would fix them at the time, but would never bring it up again.
He procrastinated a lot. And said things that he never ended up doing.
He was pretty messy and lazy.
He chose his job(s) over me.
He wasn't in a good financial situation, but never did anything about it.
He was overweight, and said he would work on it, but I never saw serious effort.
Even Big Dave complained he was a bad roomate, and he said he wouldn't want to live with Dave again.
Dave never really tried to fix our relationship. He just gave up. Yup. I can tell because he stopped trying to have conversations with me and just gave 1-2 word answers near the end.
He never did listen to my advice (until now), which I don't even think he realizes is because of me.
He bought me a Bullet Blender for Valentines Day.
His friends were pretty cool......if they considered you their friend.
They cut me out and ignore me because I am no longer seeing Dave anymore and therefore not their friend.
But they think its still okay to invite my friends out and not me, although the opposite would have completely pissed Dave off.
Dave held me back too.
Dave never really did thoughtful things for me, but I did so many for him.
He never really knew me.
He started smoking in front of me.
We started to look like a ragged couple the last time we went to an event as a couple (Yzabella's B-day).
He may have kept me around just for sex the last 2 months.
He had bad dental hygiene, and huge pores, and weird skin blotches.
I never liked the cologne he used.
He snoring was HORRIBLE!
Dave only came out to some of the things that were important too me. Like Dimsum and dinners, friends parties, etc etc.
He was too busy working
I put off a lot of things for him.
He never used his C-pap machine when it was hazardous to his health not to.
He, himself never took Amway seriously, and always calls the meetings "an Amway Thing"
He had a bad memory, and wouldn't remember advice he gave himself.
In the year we dated, I changed and grew, but it seems like he is still in the same spot.
When I first met him, he said he was going to quit Telus soon, but its been 1+ year and he is still there.
He never actually owned his own stuff, and would constantly borrow from people.
He never speaks up about things that bother him and just lets it eat away.
People take advantage of him easily (even me)
We never did said 'I love you', which probably meant we knew all the time we weren't right for each other.
Like most guys, he was probably scared of commitment.
He's 32 has nothing saved up, and chose to go it alone.
I'm also supposed to write a list of 10 things I did good..... but Im going to gloat becuase I need to realize I was awesome.
I was very good to Dave.
I may have been boring, but I never brought any drama, and tried to be mindful of Dave's wishes...
I brought him countless homemade lunches.
I would visit him and bring him surprises at work and home.
I planned romantic,relaxing dinners.
I taught Lika to dance.
I took care of him post-knee surgery and visited almost every day.
I thought (too much) of things he would like, and would want to do or try.
I never said no when he wanted to have sex (I wanted it too though :)
His friends honestly thought I was neat (and thought we would get married !)
I was always worried about embarrassing Dave (pro and a con)
I went to all his shows and supported everything he did.
Anytime he asked me to go somewhere or do something (minus Vegas) I never said no and always went.
I gave him advice which he admitted was helpful, although he never could keep doing it.
I asked if he wanted to move in with me mostly because I wanted to help him financially, not all because I wanted him to commit.
I paid close attention to the words he used, and could actually read him very well. (ie. I knew he wasn't serious about trying to work things out, because of the way he answered me).
And here are some lessons this relationship taught me
There were a lot of things I wanted to do (for myself), but I only wanted to do them with Dave, and since Dave was so busy I never did do those things.
I put aside a lot of my friends and forgot about them because of how infatuated I was with Dave.
I need to be careful in future relationships and balance boyfriend and friends equally.
Becareful of becoming so close, that all I start doing is complain whenever I'm around them.
Dave was attracted to me in the beginning because I was confident.
I lost confidence somewhere down the road because I started doubting my abilities to keep Dave happy. And thats when Dave stopped seeming me as beautiful.
So stay confident always and you will be beautiful all the time.
And finally, I'm not trying to sound conceited but I need to realise. I am a good girlfriend.
Either Dave will never realize I was good for him, or he will realize and it'll be too late
So let go.
Everything I've been reading these last few weeks about how to better myself, how to get over a break-up, I've actually already been doing! It definately makes me feel better knowing that I've been on the right path. Sometimes I'm such a nerd, needing to get acknowledgement from a textbook before knowing its the right thing to do. It is somewhat funny too (and sad) that I googled "How to get over a break-up" and so many hits came up. What doesn't the internet have a solution for?!
But yah, anyways, I've been reading that book on Worry Dave gave me and theres a lot of things I already did to block out stress and worry. For example, whenever I would start to doubt what I did, or think about something unhappy that already happened, I would say "STOP" and immediately think of something else. Because I started to realize it was no use thinking about something that already happened and that I couldn't change. (I even recall trying to tell Dave that sometimes too, but it didn't seem to work! How funny :) What I do need to work on though, is having that same gung-ho about the future. Don't worry so much about it, and try and work on Just Today. That and Dave actually did try some of the techniques on me too, I remember. When I had that mad spell from not getting the receptionist job at KW he asked me "What is the worst that can happen". And that is directly from the book. I gave him an answer that he didn't expect though. Ha-ha, I'm such a pessimist :( Anyways, I hope I can learn a lot from that book, and even just the first 50 pages kinda gave me a kick start. So its just nothing but sunshine from here right?
I do find it funny the process I'm going through to get through this break up. I kinda went through all my old posts about post break-up with Michael, and I'm trying to skip that whole year of being sad, and just skipping straight to the steps I did after I had gotten over him. For example, I'm definately not over Dave yet, but I re-registered fro PoF immediately. I'm not ready to start looking again, but I'm making all the attempts just so I can feel better. It's hard trying to convince your heart about something you're mind knows is best for you. And maybe one of the reasons ol' heartsy isn't believing is because Michael regretted breaking up with me 1 year later. And I keep on thinking that is what will happen to Dave. So I guess maybe thats why I'm not willing to bash him yet, and start ignoring him like I did Michael. Because I know once I cross that bridge there's probably no going back. (Although I guess that is what Mariam did about Nizar and everything worked out for them.....) So, I guess having said that...... here is the post where I cross the bridge, and make the list of things I didn't like about Dave, and things I did good. I'm doing this because its what I did after I got over Michael, and I'm doing this so I can move on, and have something to look at if I feel the urge to talk to Dave again.
So here goes.....Dave was alway nice to me and there for me physically...
But he was never there for me emotionally, and I guess we didn't connect on that level.
When I first met him, I didn't want to date Dave, because he never took my problems seriously.
And he never did take my emotional problems seriously, and just said things that would fix them at the time, but would never bring it up again.
He procrastinated a lot. And said things that he never ended up doing.
He was pretty messy and lazy.
He chose his job(s) over me.
He wasn't in a good financial situation, but never did anything about it.
He was overweight, and said he would work on it, but I never saw serious effort.
Even Big Dave complained he was a bad roomate, and he said he wouldn't want to live with Dave again.
Dave never really tried to fix our relationship. He just gave up. Yup. I can tell because he stopped trying to have conversations with me and just gave 1-2 word answers near the end.
He never did listen to my advice (until now), which I don't even think he realizes is because of me.
He bought me a Bullet Blender for Valentines Day.
His friends were pretty cool......if they considered you their friend.
They cut me out and ignore me because I am no longer seeing Dave anymore and therefore not their friend.
But they think its still okay to invite my friends out and not me, although the opposite would have completely pissed Dave off.
Dave held me back too.
Dave never really did thoughtful things for me, but I did so many for him.
He never really knew me.
He started smoking in front of me.
We started to look like a ragged couple the last time we went to an event as a couple (Yzabella's B-day).
He may have kept me around just for sex the last 2 months.
He had bad dental hygiene, and huge pores, and weird skin blotches.
I never liked the cologne he used.
He snoring was HORRIBLE!
Dave only came out to some of the things that were important too me. Like Dimsum and dinners, friends parties, etc etc.
He was too busy working
I put off a lot of things for him.
He never used his C-pap machine when it was hazardous to his health not to.
He, himself never took Amway seriously, and always calls the meetings "an Amway Thing"
He had a bad memory, and wouldn't remember advice he gave himself.
In the year we dated, I changed and grew, but it seems like he is still in the same spot.
When I first met him, he said he was going to quit Telus soon, but its been 1+ year and he is still there.
He never actually owned his own stuff, and would constantly borrow from people.
He never speaks up about things that bother him and just lets it eat away.
People take advantage of him easily (even me)
We never did said 'I love you', which probably meant we knew all the time we weren't right for each other.
Like most guys, he was probably scared of commitment.
He's 32 has nothing saved up, and chose to go it alone.
I'm also supposed to write a list of 10 things I did good..... but Im going to gloat becuase I need to realize I was awesome.
I was very good to Dave.
I may have been boring, but I never brought any drama, and tried to be mindful of Dave's wishes...
I brought him countless homemade lunches.
I would visit him and bring him surprises at work and home.
I planned romantic,relaxing dinners.
I taught Lika to dance.
I took care of him post-knee surgery and visited almost every day.
I thought (too much) of things he would like, and would want to do or try.
I never said no when he wanted to have sex (I wanted it too though :)
His friends honestly thought I was neat (and thought we would get married !)
I was always worried about embarrassing Dave (pro and a con)
I went to all his shows and supported everything he did.
Anytime he asked me to go somewhere or do something (minus Vegas) I never said no and always went.
I gave him advice which he admitted was helpful, although he never could keep doing it.
I asked if he wanted to move in with me mostly because I wanted to help him financially, not all because I wanted him to commit.
I paid close attention to the words he used, and could actually read him very well. (ie. I knew he wasn't serious about trying to work things out, because of the way he answered me).
And here are some lessons this relationship taught me
There were a lot of things I wanted to do (for myself), but I only wanted to do them with Dave, and since Dave was so busy I never did do those things.
I put aside a lot of my friends and forgot about them because of how infatuated I was with Dave.
I need to be careful in future relationships and balance boyfriend and friends equally.
Becareful of becoming so close, that all I start doing is complain whenever I'm around them.
Dave was attracted to me in the beginning because I was confident.
I lost confidence somewhere down the road because I started doubting my abilities to keep Dave happy. And thats when Dave stopped seeming me as beautiful.
So stay confident always and you will be beautiful all the time.
And finally, I'm not trying to sound conceited but I need to realise. I am a good girlfriend.
Either Dave will never realize I was good for him, or he will realize and it'll be too late
So let go.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Regressing
I swear I feel like I'm on an rollercoaster!
Last Monday I woke up and JUMPED outta bed. I was singing and dancing and smiling. I'M CURED !!! I proclaimed. And then I slowly lost that pep. On Friday I saw a stupid message from the UN on Facebook and it felt like I tripped and fell back into last month. Daisy sent a message telling everyone Crystal Method was coming to Edmonton, and I felt so much hurt all over again. Dave told me he had met me for the first time while trying to buy tickets for Crystal Method at Kingsway. I didn't even want to but just that simple name made me want to ball up again. It just made me think about the first time we met and how everything changed and grew and died. :( I was so upset at myself because I started crying at the dinner table right in front of my parents and I could't stop! It was so frustrating not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad again and so mad because I couldn't control it. Pretty much everybody asked me what was wrong (obviously) and all I could say was "I miss Dave". And I just felt so silly !! I was doing fine, no, I was doing awesome and then what the hell happened. Baaaah. So anyways, I ended up staying with my parents and went to bed early. The next morning I went shopping with my mom, and I tried to cheer up a bit and it kinda worked. Trying to find other things that make me happy made other people happy too.
I'm pretty sure I need to get more distance between us too. (Duh!) Facebook is really killing this attempt. Ha-ha, so weak. But yeah, I'm trying not to go on FB for a few days since that will reduce temptation to stalk Dave and see what he's doing. I deleted all our previous messages too so hopefully that will help. *sigh* I just find when I feel like I'm slumping again the first thing I want to do is see Dave or read our old conversations to feel better. And thats not really helping because all it does is make me go back to somewhere I shouldn't be! So ironic that talking about Dave makes me feel better, and at the same time its what makes me start crying too :( What did make me unexpectedly feel better is that Tara told me she creeps Josh's FB page too !! Hahaha I felt so happy knowing that what I was doing was normal. Josh was a jerk to Tara and she still misses him too. So, I guess it was good to see that I wasn't going completely insane......Then on Saturday I went out with Nomin and Brendan and Tony and Travis too. All seemed fine, and then on the dance floor my eyes started watering again and the same thing happened from Friday. So frustrating how everything reminds me of him and I can't do anything about it. Nomin started telling me to be happy, be happy, be happy and smile and that just made me start bawling again because its not even like I'm not trying. I'm trying hard and thats why I start crying, I think, because I'm trying to smile and be happy, and forgoet and its not working. Not yet anyways. And then I threw up on the street. And then I threw up in front of my door on the carpet. Hahah yeah. I haven't thrown up in about 10 years. So that was a fun night.
I feel so so so silly sometimes when I hear from Dave w/o me having to bug him. It's the whole Super Crush scenario all over again. It takes all my might to leave Dave alone for the day. Then the next, then the next and finally its a week since I've talked to him, and 2 days since I've creeped his FB page. I start to go through withdrawl and I kinda lose energy and mope. And then low and behold Dave sends me a text !! My heart shoots into my throat and I pulse with energy. I read and re-read and re-read. "MAYBE HE MISSES ME ?!!" "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?!!" And I get all scatter brained again trying to 'decipher' what this message could mean, when I really should be getting distance because its just Dave trying to be friends. And I'm not at that stage yet...... So yeah, Dave did message me after a week of me rollercoasting and trying to get space. I saw his name and my heart raced. He asked me to a movie! .....Oh no wait, he asked my friends and I to a movie with his friends and him. Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much. Just stop and think clearly. Dave didn't chase you when you ran out of his car crying. Dave was unhappy with you for 2 months and he would never want to go back to that. Dave has lots of things to keep him busy that make him happier than you. Dave hasn't said he misses you. So just like how Brendan used to message you out of the blue and it meant nothing, Dave messaging you out of the blue doensn't mean anything either. I know this won't sink in until I've accepted it, and thats the only thing thats stopping me from healing, and all these entries are just me trying to persuade myself Dave doesn't care for me anymore. But, until my heart and mind believe that, I'm just gonna have to keep on keep on persuading. Take off the glasses Corinna !!
On another tangent.....Dave gave me a book awhile ago and I finally listened and started to read it after the last time I saw him. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." I somewhat started reading it for Dave, and I guess I started reading it for myself too. Because, maybe this is the reason Dave left, and even if it isn't I'm getting something out of it regardless. Reach for the moon and if you miss you'll land among the stars, right? It is interesting in some parts, mostly about the things they teach you to do. So yeah, I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future, don't think about the past, and live in day-tight compartments. Something else interesting I find is, I already sometimes do a lot of the things they tell you to do in the book. I just always doubted whether or not that was the proper way of dealing with stress and worry or not. So I guess I always was on the right path!! I do want to ask Dave, though, why he bought that book, and if worry is/was a major problem in his life too. I never imagined that he had things to worry about, or at least it certainly never seemed that way. But he must've bought this book for a reason. And I suppose I do recall Dave saying how he used to be so depressed about his financial situation all he knew to do was sleep, and snowboard to escape from his problems.....
*Sigh*. I miss Dave. And as much as I say talking to him and hearing his voice makes me happy..... its not the right happy I need. I need to be doing things that make me genuinely happy. Drawing, even designing. Playing Mario and Wii. Shopping. Swimming. Spending time with my family, Felix, Terence, Jess, Mom & Dad. Seeing my friends. Iris, Ling, Tara, Jamie. Talking to other people. Aditi, Steph, Maya, Mariam, Ashley. And going out with fun people. Nomin, Brendan, Travis and Tony. Look at all the people you named, Corinna. You feel alone, but your not. Just open your eyes okay.
Last Monday I woke up and JUMPED outta bed. I was singing and dancing and smiling. I'M CURED !!! I proclaimed. And then I slowly lost that pep. On Friday I saw a stupid message from the UN on Facebook and it felt like I tripped and fell back into last month. Daisy sent a message telling everyone Crystal Method was coming to Edmonton, and I felt so much hurt all over again. Dave told me he had met me for the first time while trying to buy tickets for Crystal Method at Kingsway. I didn't even want to but just that simple name made me want to ball up again. It just made me think about the first time we met and how everything changed and grew and died. :( I was so upset at myself because I started crying at the dinner table right in front of my parents and I could't stop! It was so frustrating not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad again and so mad because I couldn't control it. Pretty much everybody asked me what was wrong (obviously) and all I could say was "I miss Dave". And I just felt so silly !! I was doing fine, no, I was doing awesome and then what the hell happened. Baaaah. So anyways, I ended up staying with my parents and went to bed early. The next morning I went shopping with my mom, and I tried to cheer up a bit and it kinda worked. Trying to find other things that make me happy made other people happy too.
I'm pretty sure I need to get more distance between us too. (Duh!) Facebook is really killing this attempt. Ha-ha, so weak. But yeah, I'm trying not to go on FB for a few days since that will reduce temptation to stalk Dave and see what he's doing. I deleted all our previous messages too so hopefully that will help. *sigh* I just find when I feel like I'm slumping again the first thing I want to do is see Dave or read our old conversations to feel better. And thats not really helping because all it does is make me go back to somewhere I shouldn't be! So ironic that talking about Dave makes me feel better, and at the same time its what makes me start crying too :( What did make me unexpectedly feel better is that Tara told me she creeps Josh's FB page too !! Hahaha I felt so happy knowing that what I was doing was normal. Josh was a jerk to Tara and she still misses him too. So, I guess it was good to see that I wasn't going completely insane......Then on Saturday I went out with Nomin and Brendan and Tony and Travis too. All seemed fine, and then on the dance floor my eyes started watering again and the same thing happened from Friday. So frustrating how everything reminds me of him and I can't do anything about it. Nomin started telling me to be happy, be happy, be happy and smile and that just made me start bawling again because its not even like I'm not trying. I'm trying hard and thats why I start crying, I think, because I'm trying to smile and be happy, and forgoet and its not working. Not yet anyways. And then I threw up on the street. And then I threw up in front of my door on the carpet. Hahah yeah. I haven't thrown up in about 10 years. So that was a fun night.
I feel so so so silly sometimes when I hear from Dave w/o me having to bug him. It's the whole Super Crush scenario all over again. It takes all my might to leave Dave alone for the day. Then the next, then the next and finally its a week since I've talked to him, and 2 days since I've creeped his FB page. I start to go through withdrawl and I kinda lose energy and mope. And then low and behold Dave sends me a text !! My heart shoots into my throat and I pulse with energy. I read and re-read and re-read. "MAYBE HE MISSES ME ?!!" "WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?!!" And I get all scatter brained again trying to 'decipher' what this message could mean, when I really should be getting distance because its just Dave trying to be friends. And I'm not at that stage yet...... So yeah, Dave did message me after a week of me rollercoasting and trying to get space. I saw his name and my heart raced. He asked me to a movie! .....Oh no wait, he asked my friends and I to a movie with his friends and him. Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much. Just stop and think clearly. Dave didn't chase you when you ran out of his car crying. Dave was unhappy with you for 2 months and he would never want to go back to that. Dave has lots of things to keep him busy that make him happier than you. Dave hasn't said he misses you. So just like how Brendan used to message you out of the blue and it meant nothing, Dave messaging you out of the blue doensn't mean anything either. I know this won't sink in until I've accepted it, and thats the only thing thats stopping me from healing, and all these entries are just me trying to persuade myself Dave doesn't care for me anymore. But, until my heart and mind believe that, I'm just gonna have to keep on keep on persuading. Take off the glasses Corinna !!
On another tangent.....Dave gave me a book awhile ago and I finally listened and started to read it after the last time I saw him. "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." I somewhat started reading it for Dave, and I guess I started reading it for myself too. Because, maybe this is the reason Dave left, and even if it isn't I'm getting something out of it regardless. Reach for the moon and if you miss you'll land among the stars, right? It is interesting in some parts, mostly about the things they teach you to do. So yeah, I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future, don't think about the past, and live in day-tight compartments. Something else interesting I find is, I already sometimes do a lot of the things they tell you to do in the book. I just always doubted whether or not that was the proper way of dealing with stress and worry or not. So I guess I always was on the right path!! I do want to ask Dave, though, why he bought that book, and if worry is/was a major problem in his life too. I never imagined that he had things to worry about, or at least it certainly never seemed that way. But he must've bought this book for a reason. And I suppose I do recall Dave saying how he used to be so depressed about his financial situation all he knew to do was sleep, and snowboard to escape from his problems.....
*Sigh*. I miss Dave. And as much as I say talking to him and hearing his voice makes me happy..... its not the right happy I need. I need to be doing things that make me genuinely happy. Drawing, even designing. Playing Mario and Wii. Shopping. Swimming. Spending time with my family, Felix, Terence, Jess, Mom & Dad. Seeing my friends. Iris, Ling, Tara, Jamie. Talking to other people. Aditi, Steph, Maya, Mariam, Ashley. And going out with fun people. Nomin, Brendan, Travis and Tony. Look at all the people you named, Corinna. You feel alone, but your not. Just open your eyes okay.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Road to Recovery
Hi again,
I'm pretty sure I am clincally insane. Or have multiple personalities. Or something. I went from blaming Dave and wanting Dave to admit he was wrong, to convincing myself it was all my fault. If that isn't crazy I don't know what is...... *sigh* I guess, the only plus side to this is I'm feeling better...... I just hope Dave doesn't think I'm crazy :S. I just couldn't stop messaging him yesterday. Fuuuuuuuck. I wanted him to know I felt bad because I realized how much I made him feel like shit. I know it won't fix anything, but I did want him to know he was a good boyfriend, and I was okay too. Man, look how much this entry had completely changed perspectives D:
The reason this happened all started after I wrote that last entry on Saturday. Mid-way through I had an epiphany or something. And I felt like I had sidestepped to the left or something and was seeing our relationship from a different angle. That all I was doing was making everything about me, and putting down Dave whenever he told me about something that made him happy. The first time he went to EDC and I told him I didn't like seeing him drunk like that, when he told me about Amway and all I could say were bad things about it. Ai-yai-yai! I felt really bad, but a few hours later while walking home was able to finally pinpoint something.
I never made Dave as happy as he made me.
And to some extent that was what Dave tried to tell me
"I wasn't feeling as happy or fulfilled anymore," is what he managed.
It was pretty eye opening. I kept saying, kept saying, kept saying how happy I was with Dave, how I loved the way he made me feel, how he did everything I asked for..... and then I realized, I was happy, but Dave wasn't. Dave made me happy but I stopped making him happy. And that everything I was saying was about me, and what I wanted. And that I never stopped to look and see how Dave felt. And not just that, but I was bringing him down whenever soemthing made him happy. Uuuuuugh, it makes me feel like poo to see how blind I was :( .....BUT! I also felt not so bad because now I had something to work on. Now I see why our relationship failed. And I had something to fix. I'm not just blindly trying to fix everything that I thought could've been the problem anymore. AND I want to fix this so I can be a better person......
So.... I guess now I'm on the road to recovery. Today I feel really good. Well.... I feel good minus the fact that my heart is still missing Dave. But Dave did message me back just now, so he's not ignoring me and doesn't think I'm crazy. Things are funny and have color again and I'm starting to want to do things with other people again :) And I'm using what I learned as fuel. Fuel to get back to my happy-go-lucky, carefree, smiling, laughing, playful self. To turn into an even better version of the girl that Dave (and all my crushers) have fallen for. So maybe (just maybe) Dave will fall for that same girl again. And even if he doesn't, that same happy girl will probably attract someone else just as great.
But until then, Miss you lots Dave !
I'm pretty sure I am clincally insane. Or have multiple personalities. Or something. I went from blaming Dave and wanting Dave to admit he was wrong, to convincing myself it was all my fault. If that isn't crazy I don't know what is...... *sigh* I guess, the only plus side to this is I'm feeling better...... I just hope Dave doesn't think I'm crazy :S. I just couldn't stop messaging him yesterday. Fuuuuuuuck. I wanted him to know I felt bad because I realized how much I made him feel like shit. I know it won't fix anything, but I did want him to know he was a good boyfriend, and I was okay too. Man, look how much this entry had completely changed perspectives D:
The reason this happened all started after I wrote that last entry on Saturday. Mid-way through I had an epiphany or something. And I felt like I had sidestepped to the left or something and was seeing our relationship from a different angle. That all I was doing was making everything about me, and putting down Dave whenever he told me about something that made him happy. The first time he went to EDC and I told him I didn't like seeing him drunk like that, when he told me about Amway and all I could say were bad things about it. Ai-yai-yai! I felt really bad, but a few hours later while walking home was able to finally pinpoint something.
I never made Dave as happy as he made me.
And to some extent that was what Dave tried to tell me
"I wasn't feeling as happy or fulfilled anymore," is what he managed.
It was pretty eye opening. I kept saying, kept saying, kept saying how happy I was with Dave, how I loved the way he made me feel, how he did everything I asked for..... and then I realized, I was happy, but Dave wasn't. Dave made me happy but I stopped making him happy. And that everything I was saying was about me, and what I wanted. And that I never stopped to look and see how Dave felt. And not just that, but I was bringing him down whenever soemthing made him happy. Uuuuuugh, it makes me feel like poo to see how blind I was :( .....BUT! I also felt not so bad because now I had something to work on. Now I see why our relationship failed. And I had something to fix. I'm not just blindly trying to fix everything that I thought could've been the problem anymore. AND I want to fix this so I can be a better person......
So.... I guess now I'm on the road to recovery. Today I feel really good. Well.... I feel good minus the fact that my heart is still missing Dave. But Dave did message me back just now, so he's not ignoring me and doesn't think I'm crazy. Things are funny and have color again and I'm starting to want to do things with other people again :) And I'm using what I learned as fuel. Fuel to get back to my happy-go-lucky, carefree, smiling, laughing, playful self. To turn into an even better version of the girl that Dave (and all my crushers) have fallen for. So maybe (just maybe) Dave will fall for that same girl again. And even if he doesn't, that same happy girl will probably attract someone else just as great.
But until then, Miss you lots Dave !
Saturday, September 08, 2012
1 month later
Hi sports fans,
So its been a month since Dave and I broke up. One veeeeeeeeeeery long month. I couldn't tell if I was more upset, sad, or mad half the time. Every day I would wake up in a cold sweat and a pounding heart. I felt like I was having panic attacks every morning. I thought this new job was gonna solve all my problems. And after we broke up I felt like taking that job had ruined my life. I stopped having time to spend with you, and we drifted apart. I stopped wanting to go to the studio. And I felt like in losing you I lost everything. I lost a best friend. Someone who made me so happy. And thats all that I can think about is that I only knew how to be happy around you, so now that your not here, I don't remember how to be happy anymore. You let me come see you yesterday and I looked forward to that a lot. I got dressed up, put on new clothes and a new bag. Just so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of you. I'm not trying to write this entry as a downer. I'm trying to re-state what happened, and I guess what I'm trying to do to get over this break up, and how. I got in Dave's car, and he asked how I was, we caught up a bit on normal stuff and then we went to Garden Bakery. There was so much stuff I wanted to unload on Dave. How what he did was wrong, and how much worse what he did made me feel. How it was selfish of him not to say anything and basically lie to me. How I wanted to call him a coward. But, the moment I heard his voice on the phone I felt it all melt away. That everything I wanted to say didn't matter again. I'm so stupid! The funny thing is I prepared an essay for Dave. It took me at least 2 days and I cut and paste, copied and edited, re-arranged, deleted and entered. I wrote down everything that I felt Dave did wrong. Everything that made my heart hurt. And then I asked Dave if I was crazy. If I was turning into a crazy ex-girlfriend. Who does that? Who writes a paper to read to their ex-boyfriend? And even in the end I never ended up reading it. I took it out, but all the words jumbled together and it was useless. I wish I could realize too, that not everything can be solved by y=x+b formulas. Not everything works out the way I plan. Just like thinking that $5 more an hour was going to make me happy and solve all my problems. Just like I thought I could start planning my life with you. I guess I did lie a bit when I told Dave yesterday I never thought about the future with him. I thought about the possibility that Dave could be in my life. But only because of how happy he made me feel. I don't think I ever felt like I loved Dave, but I loved the way Dave made me feel. But I realize now I relied on you too much. I relied on you and only you to make me happy, to unload all my stress and problems on, thinking you would always be there. That you were the one. And I guess I took you for granted too, just like you took me for granted. Just like how I blamed you for not listening to what I said, I never listened to what you said either. I guess you did somewhat try. You did ask me once "Do you feel like I don't tell you enough?" And I completely ignored you. And I think about it now and wish that I had answered you instead of saying I, I, I, I. One of the things I did notice was that in most of our conversations, now and in the past, I used the word "I" a lot. A LOT. It was always about me, and I never made it about you. And I'm sorry too. I think I tried to change you into what I wanted to be. And I didn't realize you needed just as much help as I did. I told you, that maybe I don't miss you as much as I think I do, and that I just hate being alone. It isn't going to change anything now, but Yes, yes I do feel like you don't tell me enough. But maybe that was my fault that I never let you say what was on your mind. So I guess now,I hope, as soon as I'm strong enough, that I can do for you, what you did for me. And be a pillar to you. That you can call me up to unload on too. And I promise I will learn to listen to you and ask you how you feel, and not tell you how I feel about your problems. So, the next time we see each other, maybe you can be the one to talk and tell stories about yourself and what you are feeling that day.
So its been a month since Dave and I broke up. One veeeeeeeeeeery long month. I couldn't tell if I was more upset, sad, or mad half the time. Every day I would wake up in a cold sweat and a pounding heart. I felt like I was having panic attacks every morning. I thought this new job was gonna solve all my problems. And after we broke up I felt like taking that job had ruined my life. I stopped having time to spend with you, and we drifted apart. I stopped wanting to go to the studio. And I felt like in losing you I lost everything. I lost a best friend. Someone who made me so happy. And thats all that I can think about is that I only knew how to be happy around you, so now that your not here, I don't remember how to be happy anymore. You let me come see you yesterday and I looked forward to that a lot. I got dressed up, put on new clothes and a new bag. Just so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of you. I'm not trying to write this entry as a downer. I'm trying to re-state what happened, and I guess what I'm trying to do to get over this break up, and how. I got in Dave's car, and he asked how I was, we caught up a bit on normal stuff and then we went to Garden Bakery. There was so much stuff I wanted to unload on Dave. How what he did was wrong, and how much worse what he did made me feel. How it was selfish of him not to say anything and basically lie to me. How I wanted to call him a coward. But, the moment I heard his voice on the phone I felt it all melt away. That everything I wanted to say didn't matter again. I'm so stupid! The funny thing is I prepared an essay for Dave. It took me at least 2 days and I cut and paste, copied and edited, re-arranged, deleted and entered. I wrote down everything that I felt Dave did wrong. Everything that made my heart hurt. And then I asked Dave if I was crazy. If I was turning into a crazy ex-girlfriend. Who does that? Who writes a paper to read to their ex-boyfriend? And even in the end I never ended up reading it. I took it out, but all the words jumbled together and it was useless. I wish I could realize too, that not everything can be solved by y=x+b formulas. Not everything works out the way I plan. Just like thinking that $5 more an hour was going to make me happy and solve all my problems. Just like I thought I could start planning my life with you. I guess I did lie a bit when I told Dave yesterday I never thought about the future with him. I thought about the possibility that Dave could be in my life. But only because of how happy he made me feel. I don't think I ever felt like I loved Dave, but I loved the way Dave made me feel. But I realize now I relied on you too much. I relied on you and only you to make me happy, to unload all my stress and problems on, thinking you would always be there. That you were the one. And I guess I took you for granted too, just like you took me for granted. Just like how I blamed you for not listening to what I said, I never listened to what you said either. I guess you did somewhat try. You did ask me once "Do you feel like I don't tell you enough?" And I completely ignored you. And I think about it now and wish that I had answered you instead of saying I, I, I, I. One of the things I did notice was that in most of our conversations, now and in the past, I used the word "I" a lot. A LOT. It was always about me, and I never made it about you. And I'm sorry too. I think I tried to change you into what I wanted to be. And I didn't realize you needed just as much help as I did. I told you, that maybe I don't miss you as much as I think I do, and that I just hate being alone. It isn't going to change anything now, but Yes, yes I do feel like you don't tell me enough. But maybe that was my fault that I never let you say what was on your mind. So I guess now,I hope, as soon as I'm strong enough, that I can do for you, what you did for me. And be a pillar to you. That you can call me up to unload on too. And I promise I will learn to listen to you and ask you how you feel, and not tell you how I feel about your problems. So, the next time we see each other, maybe you can be the one to talk and tell stories about yourself and what you are feeling that day.
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